! Should i divorce with him

Hi Sungrapes,
it hurts me when u said ur son and u hugged and he tolld u he loves u. It's so touching.
Pls take care. There r 101 kinda of father. But definitely yours is gonna regret for giving up on u and ur son. Be strong for the sake of ur son. Bring him up to be a good man. All the best ok?
 


hi, joanne,

Happened to browse thru tis thread. Its veri couraging of u to give yr hb 7th chance! Since u alr given him tis chance, i wun wanna say more on his sins. even if now he is turning a new leaf, forgiving him doesnt mean forgetting. If any case he commit another sin again, pls be firm, divorce him, get yr life on wit yr kids. I am a divorcee wit 2 kids, i found out my ex commited his sin when our 2nd child is less than 6 mths. I immediately divorce him, anyway he nv ask for 2nd chance. To think i have alot of hardship in our marriage make me unable to forgive him. I hold sole custody of my children. Now i had remarried n had a 3rd child. Juz wanna say, be strong, there is alway way out.
 
Hi joanne I hope things are going well with you and that your husband has truly changed his ways.

I went through a bad patch in my marriage a few years ago too. Our son was only a few months old then. Besides adjusting to motherhood, I had to deal with the heartbreak of being cheated on. No words can explain how difficult it was for me and there were times I really wanted to give up. At that time, I had quit my job to be stay home mum, so I really felt I had sacrificed everything.

We talked about divorce but decided to stay together for the sake of our child and wanted to try to work it out. But he continued to see that other woman for months. He kept denying and lying about it, but I found evidence like a receipt in his pants pocket, or some sms from her. It was like this for months, my emotions were like yoyo, up and down.

To cut a long story short, we finally managed to work things out. We realised that we had drifted apart and had other problems that we didn't resolve and instead always sweep under the carpet.

It took a lot of time and heartache and effort, but we got through it and now we have 2 kids and are closer than before.

At that time, one of my close friends told me I should leave him. She said it's not the cheating. Everyone makes mistakes. But she said it was how he handled it after that. Instead of being really repentant and ending the affair, he continued to see that woman and lied to me about it for so many months. And when I confronted him about it, he got defensive and started finding fault with me and saying mean things to me.

I'm not saying that it's ok for him to have done that to me. Of course not. But I think sometimes we need to make the decision ourselves instead of listening to others. No one knows the situation better than you. I never thought that I would be able to tolerate and forgive my husband for cheating on me. But I did. Mainly for my child at first. But also because I felt that there was still hope and I could see he still loved me. And now looking back, I am glad I stayed on.

I don't know how you managed to stay on with your husband after he cheated 6 times. For me, this 1 affair was so painful, I cannot imagine going through it again.

I just want to wish you all the best and I hope this time he really learnt his lesson. Maybe it's because you finally put your foot down and ask for divorce. And it finally made him wake up instead of taking you for granted.

But from personal experience, I would advise you to continue to keep your eyes and ears open. Don't let him think he can get away with it again. He must treat you with love, honesty and respect. Don't expect any less. But at the same time, don't keep using this to 'control' him because you don't want him to stay with you out of guilt. Make sure you also regularly spend some time with each other without the kids.

I wish you all the best. Hope it will work out for you.
 
Hi, Joanne. I have the same problem as you. Im lost n dun know what to do. I have two kids. Age 6, 4 years. My hubby told me he has broke up with her. He do not want to divorce but i believe he still with that woman.
 
Melody, I was like u. He think he is smart enough to hide from me. But in the end, I found out the truth with the help from a PI. He have no choice but to admit.
 
Hi Melody, a friend of mine also went through same thing. Her husband had affair then broke it off. She thought everything was ok, but 1 year later she found that he was seeing another woman. He ended it but got back together with the first woman, the one that he really liked! Apparently the second one was just a distraction so that he could get over the first one. Very messy.

Anyway she said he didn't want a divorce, that he loves her and the kids. But she suspected that he was still with the woman. She later found evidence he was still having affair and he admitted he couldn't get over that woman. He said he felt stuck because he love his wife and family, but also in love with this woman.

They decided not to divorce for the kids' sake. They started going for counselling a few months ago and it seem to help. The counsellor told my friend that she must be firm. If hubby continues to lie and cheat, she must be prepared for temporary separation so that the hubby will know what it feels like to lose his wife and kids. If not, he will continue to enjoy best of both worlds, for as long as possible.

So you must be strong. Don't let your husband think that you will close one eye. So try to do your checks, find out if he is still with that woman. And if you confirm it, tell him you cannot tolerate this. If possible, have a temporary separation and at the same time, both of you should go for counselling. Try to work it out. Don't threaten divorce but be firm.

Hang in there. I hope it works out for you.
 
Bananarama, my situation was similar to yours. The affair started when my child was few months old too. He claimed the changes in our life was too great with the kid, and he wasnt happy at work. Like you, we continued in the marriage and i stayed cuz of the kid. Each time i thought it was over, i found out he is still seeing her. This gone on for about 2yrs... with him showing great repentance yet commit again. Finally, i decided since he cannot commit to me again, i called the woman and scolded her. Thought just wana vent out the years of frustrations and call my marriage quit. Not sure to believe or not, my hubby said the woman was so angry she created havoc for him at his workplc and thats the end for them.

Its been 10months since the last incident happened. I do not know if i can still trust him anymore, but since i have decided to stay for my kid, i know i have to try. I thought of having a 2nd kid, hoping things can start afresh from there yet very scare as my marriage started to have problems since my child was born. Im afraid that i cannot cope with 2 kids should anything happen in my marriage again.Can you share how do you have the courage to have another child? How do you know things have ended once and for all?

My love for this man has dwindled into almost nothing, cuz the years of betrayal made me too tired. Right now im staying for my kid, but im also praying that my love for him can rekindle again. Initially i want him to do everything to woo my feelings for him back again, but i read from a book, if we decided to stay and forgive, we cannot expect anything from the betrayer, wanting him to do things for us. We have to deal with the forgiveness within ourselves.

Hope all who has been through this rough patch will be happy again some day.
 
source: internet

俗話說的好: 再好的魚肉吃多了，也還是想嚐嚐大白菜的味道；再好的老婆處久了，也還是想知道別的女人的風韻。所以，如果你下了決心勾引我老公，而我老公也上鉤了，我一點也不覺得奇怪。

人生不能想，一想就流淚。我們有我們每個人的事業，只是為了更好的生存，我們不能天天在一起，我們不能時刻都讓對方滿意。距離產生的美反而讓我們無法分開，他說他願意在任何一個場合跟任何一個人說，老婆為我做了很多，我永遠不會拋棄她。人說愛是自私的，可是愛也是高尚的，愛的最高境界不是佔有，如果我愛他，我選擇盡一切可能讓他感覺幸福。

男人經不起誘惑，尤其是美麗女人的誘惑，我老公也是個凡人，經不起。

我窮其一生追求的只是他對我的心意，不是任何一種內容和形式。如果你勾引了他，而他發現你就是他一生要找的另一半，我為什麼非要橫在中間？

如果你不是，他終究會回到我的身邊。我了解並能容忍他的任何一個致命的弱點，我們一起經歷了風風雨雨的見證，有誰能像我一樣始終站在他生命最低谷的邊緣？

我正專心的看電視，他突然說：“我們離婚吧”。他很嚴肅，不像是跟我開玩笑。浮上我腦海的第一個念頭是：他肯定抄股虧大了，或者是得了絕症，怕連累我。我堅決的搖頭，油然而生一股要跟他共患難的豪情。


他的第二句話將我打入地獄：“我愛上別人了，對不起。”

“什麼時候？”我努力沉住氣。

“半年了，是旅行認識的，她是導遊，很單純，人又熱情。”也許意識到自己讚美的詞語用的過多，他剎住了，愧疚的看著我。

“有多愛？”“十分愛。”

我沒有再問下去，問的太細只會讓自己傷的更深，不如給自己留點顏面。

回憶跟他在一起的日子，我們很幸福。可是，既然人家已經喜新厭舊，我幹嗎死不放手呢？我長長吐了一口氣：“一切就按你的意思辦吧。有人能將你這個禍害從我身邊領走，我真是感激不盡。”他驚訝的看著我，他知道我並不是一個心胸豁達的女人。

“其實我對你也有審美疲勞。”你把我看的輕如鴻毛，就別指望自己還是我心中的泰山。

他深感愧疚，決定把家裡的一切留給我和孩子。

離婚前，他約我一起吃飯，幾杯酒下肚，他的話多了起來，他說，他希望得到我的祝福，他還主動說起那個女孩，她朝氣蓬勃，跟她在一起，他有被點燃的感覺。想起自己曾經也年輕漂亮，朝氣蓬勃，也曾經那樣吸引他，我與那個，只是隔了十年的光陰，卻被明顯貼上了舊愛與新歡的標籤。

“她很天真，一點小事也能讓她感到滿足，跟她去購物，抽獎得了一塊香皂；帶她去吃北京餃子；送她一塊20元的電子表，給她買一個土渣兒餅.. ....她都會欣喜若狂。跟她在一起，我很放鬆，我可以抽煙抽的屋子裡一股煙味，我可以玩通宵麻將，跟朋友拼酒......”他陶醉在自己的幸福里，滿眼的溫柔。

而我，像所有的黃臉婆一樣，精打細算，過問他每一筆開銷，買雙襪子都要貨比三家。我不許他抽煙，禁止他喝酒，更反對他吆三喝四的賭博。

“和她在一起，我感覺心跳加速，幹什麼都充滿力量。”他顯然已有幾分醉意。

我打斷他：“從此以後，我不再是你的黃臉婆，不再是你不用支付工資的用人。我可以節省為你熨衣服配領帶的時間，來打扮自己；我可以節省下為你買衣物的錢，給自己挑幾件拿的出手的時裝；我可以不用絞盡腦汁地搜索魚的N種做法，不用討好你的胃，想吃飯我就做，不想做飯，我可以帶女兒去吃快餐；我可以不再擔心你抽煙傷了肺，喝酒傷了肝；我不再為你洗吐的一塌糊塗的被單；不用在你醉了酒，睡在街邊某個角落時，一邊哭一邊滿大街的找；我可以不用再操心你老家的親戚今天誰做壽，明天誰娶媳婦，不用再每個月給你爸媽寄生活費；不用每年跟你坐半天的車，提著大包小包走十多里山路，只為陪你父母吃頓年夜飯.....是啊，離婚，真是太好了！”

說完這些，我淚如泉湧，而他則楞楞的看著我，我一直都表現的很冷靜，可是，一點酒精就把我的內心出賣了。三十多歲的女人，誰不在乎自己經營多年的婚姻？我又笑起來：“離吧，離了看你得意多久，你十分愛她是吧？她也十分愛你是吧？走到一起後，一起生活幾年，看你還會不會見到她就心跳加速，她現在能給你的都是十年前我給過你的，你就折騰去吧！等你折騰夠了就會發現，你只是把我們走過的路又重複走了一遍而已。 ”

“你醉了？”他有些緊張的看著我。

“我沒有天真單純過嗎？我沒有年輕美麗過嗎？我把你送的一隻銅戒指、一本書、一枚書籤視若珍寶，冒著嚴寒為你織手套。我也十分愛過，可是走進婚姻，女人的角色就複雜了，在愛的同時，有了很多責任。她不可能再十分專注的愛一個人，她要從這十分愛中分出一分愛公公婆婆，又要從中分出一分來愛自己的父母，還要從中分一分來愛孩子。十分的愛經過婚姻的洗禮，就只剩下了七分。當另一份十分的愛襲擊她的幸福時，她就無以抵擋......”

拉著小姐的手，一股暖流湧心頭；拉著情人的手，酸甜苦辣樣樣有；拉著老婆的手，等於左手摸右手”，左手右手都是自己的手，老婆畢竟是自己的左右手，用刀劃破自己的左臂右膀時，痛的不正是自己嗎？

最終，他堅持不要離婚。

我問，原因了？

他說，你清醒的時候沒有醉酒的時候理智，也沒有醉酒的時候聰明，你把我罵醒了。的確啊，這個家是來之不易的，不會有人比你更了解我，也不會有人能代替你在孩子心目中的位置的。我努力打拼了這麼久換來的美滿家庭，我差點親手毀掉。老婆，對不起！原來最愛我的人，一直都在我身邊，原來不能沒有對方的人，是我。

愛，不是做愛；愛，是想和她睡覺，相伴一生的枕邊人！ 」

謝謝某人，勾引我老公。

謝謝某人，讓我老公知道，他最愛的人是誰。
 
Hi Michael, thanks for sharing... its a well written article.. if only have it in English, i can forward it to my hubby to wake him up.
 
@bananarama,
Love is for giving hence the word forgiveness. Now, and most of the time it is for taking. But there is no such word as fortakingness! He did not betray, love never betrays - needs expectations breed frustration and misery and one concludes that one is betrayed. That does not detract the fact that he failed in his role as a .... but as a human he did not fail. Perhaps, he ought to have communicated and let it be known of his wavering mind and surely you may not like it but it would make a big difference to the marriage. It may end or it may not but tow individuals may end up the better for what is at hand now or what may unfold later.

Ps - the word love is not love and is real only if and when one is being love or simply loving (process). The word fire does not burn excepting burning.
 
Hi Derailed, it was not easy for us to move on. For me, it was about dealing with the hurt, pain and insecurity, the fear that he was still lying to me. For him, it was about letting go of that other woman, fighting temptation and dealing with his own guilt.

We read a book that really helped. It's called His Needs, Her Needs. By Willard Harley. Hope it can help you too.

Looking back, we should have gone for marriage counselling or some kind of therapy, as it would have made the healing process faster. It really helped my friend. You can consider that.

But I think what's most important is that both parties need to really be serious about working it out. If you are keen but your husband is only half hearted, then it will be hard to make it work.

We had 2nd kid only when things were more stable. I don't think it's a good idea to have another kid if your marriage is still shaky. It may cause tension between you again. Need to work out all your issues first. Be strong, I hope things will work out for you.
 
I think if he is rich you close 1 eye, if he is not and you are working you should give up on him.

A lot of women these days stay at home no proper income so cannot ask them to divorce later no $$ to eat and fight for kids.

I have a friend divorce and regretted. Not regretting her divorce but regretting fighting for kids custody, cause now got boyfriend difficult to convince boyfriend or his family to accept her son.
 
Guess it's time to let go, for he don't repent at all. Doing it over and over again. Knowing you will be soft-hearted enough to forgive him and return to him. He already caught your weakness.....
 
My hubby just stormed out of the house announcing he's going to geylang to find prostitute cos I refused to have sex with him.
I guess our marriage started out on the wrong foot. He cheated on me when our long time relationship became stagnant. I was pregnant at that time so we decided to get married. I think I am fated to be with him.
I think I have never gotten past the fact that he cheated on me. During pregnancy, we never had sex and i hated to be intimate with him. Now that I've delivered, things are still the same. I just do not want to have any form of intimacy with him. I push him away each time he approaches. I find him "dirty". He's always telling me that I'm driving him insane. He got really mad tonight.
I feel that he doesn't care or spend much time with the family and he feels I don't care about his sexual needs.
I find him so selfish. All he thinks abt is sex. When I try to talk to him abt spending more time with our baby, he says "u don't make me feel like coming home"
Divorce is in my mind. But I'm thinking for my baby.
I think I need to go for counseling. I've brought it up to him a few times but his ego is huge.
Argh I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I still love him. I'm so angry and hurt. I married him for the sake of my baby. I have to make myself stay and work this marriage for the sake of my baby.
Sorry...just rambling my thoughts.
 
bbte, I understand your feeling. I am feeling the same thing now. Have been cheated by my hubby so many times (not in the area of womanizing, but other things that he promised, but never keep to his words again and again and again, simply trusting his friends and get into troubles), sometimes I really feel that I have had enough. I also hate doing the act with him as I feel that he is dirty and he only wants me for my body.....tried asking him to go for counselling, but he refused and even scolded me that he will not change, he is who he is!!! I am worried if I divorce him, he will go mad and come and harm my son and me.....he is not a very rational kind of person....what can I do?....How do I ensure that I will get the custody of my son?....I cannot lose my boy...I love him too much, think I will die if I dont have my son!!
sad.gif
 
Hi bbte, so sorry to hear about your problems. I
really think it will help to go for counselling. If your hubby is not willing, maybe you can start on your own first.

I can understand how you feel and how it feels like it will be easier to just walk away, leave him, leave this marriage. But before you do it, ask yourself if you think there's anything in the marriage worth saving. Think about your baby too.

And if there's a small part of you that still wants to work it out, then you need to see a counsellor. It's so hard to do it on your own. We don't like to share problems with stranger, and it seems shameful. But sometimes we need help. I was too proud to get help when I was going through problem with my marriage. But I wish I took that step.

Meantime maybe try reading that book I was talking about. it really helped me. It's called "His Needs, Her Needs". By Willard Harley.

All the best, take care.
 
is there any free legal advise on divorce matter?
my friend requires advise before heading for divorce.
 
Why we all woman must take all of this from man, we have been married for 17 yrs, but suddenly he told me he lost his love towards me, he told me he try to hinge me few months ago but i did not give him responce so he treat that i no more concern about him, how can i take it, he really hurt me so deep, just 1 word i lost my love, how am i going to accept it.
 
So sad to hear your story I feel u are really very strong can take it . For me I think I rather move on. Woman can live without man .
 
It's been 2 mths since i last posted here.
Discovered my husb is having affair. He told me I don't need to know anything about the affair and should just try to win him back. For sake of baby, I tried providing him with sex. But it seems that his heart is not here. I'm stil reeling from shock..
All I want is a complete family for my baby. It's so hard.
 
bbte, he is having affair and ask you to bring him back? who he think he is!!!!

Sex is not every in marriage. If he just want sex then he can simply can better sex from the professional.

Sometime when thing is beyond redemption, it's better to let go. You will be happier
 
bbte, if u are thinking of the baby then the more u should make a stand. U are the official wife, why should u be treated like a 'mistress'.

I f i am u, get the evidence and tell him either he leave the girl or divorce.

If u don't do this now, the longer he is with the women, their love become stronger and at the end, even u don't wan, he will initiate it.
 
I haven't slept since Tuesday..haven't really eaten either..
My breast milk supply decreased..sigh

He said seX is basic need and since I can't provide, he goes out for it and comes back. "I'm already very responsible and I love u and baby..else I won't even come home"

He doesn't want to end things with her..I told him to leave..
I no longer want him.

I haven't cried at all..I think I'm still in shock at the way he delivered the message..

I need to be strong for my baby..I need to be strong
 
Dear bbte,

First of all, I'm really glad you said that you 'no longer want him'. He sounds very callous and does not appear to show you any love from his words/actions.

I think you are trying to recover from the shock. Would recommend you to seek counselling or sharing your thoughts with a close friend/member of family. Don't go through this alone.

Stay strong! Jiayou!!!
 
He just came back to see baby and get some stuff. Told him to move out his things soon. He said he was calling me everyday cos maybe i was just angry and also to see if I wanted him to come home..told him that this is not his home since he never treated it as one in the first place. And that I'm not angry. He said I was being cruel cos he was having fever 39degrees and has no place to stay. I said move to his gf's place then. And its not my biz that he's sick..I said sorry that I cannot accept him having affair since he doesn't want to end things with that woman. He said "I never say I don't want to end"....so i told him it was never his intention to end it anyway since he was still seeing her since last Thursday when he was caught..not that I think he' is capable of ending it.. His reply was "no sex what..go out eat la"..(it was no sex..then not enough sex..then not good enough sex)
"so u want me to move out and get a divorce right?!"
I said it was always his intention to move out and maybe I wanna get a divorce.
So I gave him time to move his things out..
I'm so silly..I still worry about him even when I know he is with her..
I feel like crap
 
Bbte,

I am glad you told him to move his things out and that you are thinking about getting a divorce.

Personally, I had experienced my first love (bf) cheating on me. And I forgave him. The relationship lasted for another 1-2 years more before it ended. Till this day, I have a lot of regret about why I did not end it sooner.

Now I'm married. From that experience, I can never tolerate my spouse cheating on me and will not stay in the marriage for the sake of children. Since then, I have experienced the love of a man (my husband) who genuinely cares for me. There are husbands who would willingly suppress their sexual urges and wait because their wives are recuperating from childbirth/miscarriage and cannot bear to physically hurt them. To me, that's love, sacrifice.
 
Bbte,

Just to add, you should not worry about him because he never really cared about you. And he still has the cheek to tell you that he was just going for a meal with the woman and not having sex.

You deserve a man a hundred times better than your husband, who would love you and cherish you and be there for you in times of difficulties. Don't waste your tears and braincells thinking about such an unfaithful and callous man.
 
Thanks everyone.
I don't know what I am feeling exactly.
It's ups and downs and wanting to work things out, and the next moment angry..
I'm feeling all that loss and grief and loving him and hating him and missing him...and he's out there enjoying his life with her.
Argh..I hate myself for being weak..
I hate to admit that deep down in my heart I wish he will change and repent and we can be one complete happy family again.
I broke down when I walk along orchard, seeing families together, dads pushing the prams with mums beside, I feel really lousy as a mum. The least I can do is to provide my baby with a complete family... But I'm not able to do that
 
I have a question. Would really love to get some views. I don't know if my husband is seeing anyone. He goes to work on time and returns on time.

We've been having a tough time coping with the household chores, raising two kids, he works, i work from home. We quarel over household chores because I am swamped throughout the day.

This is my concern. When we have an argument, he does not speak to me for days sometimes more than a week - this has been happening for years! He will not eat the food I cook when we do not speak. He will not bid me goodbye when he leaves for work nor will he call or text me when we do not speak.

He does not support me. Like I mentioned earlier, I work from home so I pay my phone bills, buy my own stuff. It's only once or twice a year that he buys me a blouse or a t-shirt/ undies. I do not expect anything from him but sometimes it's a nice feeling when a hubby unexpectedly buys his wife something sweet to show that he loves and values her.

I would like to get some views on my husband's behaviour when we do not speak. Is it normal? This has been going on for years and I am so used to it that I do not know what is normal and what isn't anymore. But one thing for sure, I am no longer happy with his behaviour and I feel like calling it quits. I have spoken to him on thousands of occassions about this behaviour, he apologises, says it will not happen again, and then it does.

What do I do? As it is, I am home 99.9% of the time, don't have time for friends because of the many responsibilities I have to cope with, I feel so desperately lonely. I am 43 this year, feel and look young but leading a life of a widow/ spinster.
 
Joanne, I can perfectly feel you when you mentioned your husband told you he had never love you because my husband said that too after 13 years of marriage.
 
Hi bbte and all other ladies,

I am feeling very much for you and your ordeal. Pretty similar situation for me.

I found out about my husband's affair in Dec last year. Believe the affair started around Oct last year. Was terribly heart broken when he decided to choose the other person, and leave me and his baby. I am 6 months pregnant now.

He met the other person, a foreign young girl in his pub where she work part time. My husband started his pub last year. He faces alot of stress in his biz and finances. I care abt him and supported him with all my savings. Now I am broke to nothing.

He said he cries often and he knew how badly hurt I am. He claimed that he felt alot of pain too.. but still, no intention to leave the other person.

I stop thinking why he chose her over his family. A man who leave his pregnant for other woman isn't just worth crying for anymore.. We were married for less than 2 years but togther for close to 14years now.

I had done my best to salvage this marriage but after waiting for 3mths, I hv decided to let go.

I requested for a divorce since he has decided wat he wants. But he's been avoiding this discussion & we have never discuss our future properly. But he did suggested buying a flat together so that me and baby at least have a roof over our head. He said to discuss divorce only after we purchase the house, he will transfer his rights to the house to me. Im still deciding if I should jointly purchase a flat with him at this moment?

I hv moved back to my mum's place & he will call often. He just keep insisting he will always be there for me and baby. I know he's just guilty. I've been accepting his 'concerns', guess I do hv a soft spot for him. And I still do have feelings for him.

It's been 3 mths. I wan to stop being sad, I wan to get well & b strong for my baby. I decided to totally cut all contacts with him. Stop talking to him. Let my family handle the paperworks on my behalf. Thinking if this is a good move?

To let him feel the loss of me & baby, and to let him noe tt he cannot hv the best of both world. He can live his new life with his mistress. Will this at least let him understd he cannot continue to be shameless like tt. Will this backfire?

I am also thinking of hiring a PI now to capture evidence but hestitated cos of the fees. Will want to start legal proceedings once my baby is born. Am waiting bcos I wanted to still benefit from the Maternity leave & Baby Bonus.

I still cry often and feel guilty tt my baby will hv to suffer the consequences of her parents' actions. When I see happy families outside, I will get depressed too. Really dun think this is fair for my baby.

But this is not what I wanted. Same goes for bbte, this is not what you wanted. We cannot control wat the husbands' choices and actions, but we can control ours. We really have to stay strong for our children.
 
ChrisK,
Since your hb's behaviour has been like this for years, it sounds to me being due to his character (e.g. pettiness) than 3rd party is involved.
Men can be insensitive beings so do sit down with your hb one of these days and communicate to him what are the things that are bothering you. Communication is essential for a marriage to work out.
All the best!
 
Hi Hope faith,
is it the first time he stray? Men when dealing or working close to sweet young things are most often attracted to caring, giggly, lovely girls who don't ask much from them, but yet able to give them the dating lovely euphoric feeling again..

In your case, could be also that he's stress about his change in status...as a soon to be father...plus his busines...many roles to take on...after many ladies posted..and my own experience...women are created to multi task and put on different caps whereas men are different...

I am not saying that you should take him back...but its very tough handling a newborn on your own..it can go both ways...either you can direct all your energy to your baby and love her to bits or become resentful to her and develope baby blues..pls make sure that support is there for you. family & frens.

my own husband also cheated on me multiple times..juz like your case..its always with the international pub waitresses...and the most recent...a china prostitute...and he seriously is in love to the extent that he dun even come home...to show any concern to the kids...

other multiple issues like gambling, soccer, card debts and criminal records plus womanizing...forgave him 4 times on cheating...and this time no more...am filing for divorce this month..hoping that life can move on smoothly...

I can understand why ladies try to forgive over & over again..because it may really be true love at the beginning...but as life evolves, roles change..the love comes with responsibilties, understanding and accomodating. but men as usual..very shallow..

wife instead of whispering sweet nothings...says..can you pick up the kid..can you help calm baby down..can you send me here..can you help fix this, pls pay this bill...
wife can no longer stroke your ego and manhood every other night..as she leaves her energy to coo and cradle the baby...
wife can no longer smile brilliantly as besides handling her own work, she shoulders your stress and the family's load

some men run away, but come back and build a stronger love and respect for the wife. some juz dun learn and seeks to go through another cycle again. I haf clearly seen it in my FIL and my husband.

I wish that you find the strength to nurture your gift and yourself...like i have to want to break this vicious cycle..
 
hope faith/tototan
agreed with what tototan saying. am going thru this now... i hope for a salvage but he dont admit and in return blame me for not trusting him and denied what he has been doing. ask for a split if i still dont trust him. same like u , FIL and husband are both the same kind.. i am preparing for the worst now. because i really dun wish to have a life like this.. Engaged a PI to collect evidences to protect myself.

Family support are very important. my parents knew it.. of cause they support the idea of getting a PI. but they wish us to go thru a counselling to save this marriage.. i would definately hope so there's a way out of it but i do not have faith in him anymore... the phobia of repeating the whole cycle makes me emotionally and physically drained.

tototan
i need more advise on filing a divorce. are u a working mummy? who will bear the cost etc? i am a working mummmy of 2 young kids.. but my take home pay is little. heard there's a lot of subsidy for single parents..
 
Hi Ladies,
Thks much for ur kind response and words.

Tototan, yes it's the first time. I am totally not prepared for this. I thought about those stress he is facing.

He keep saying that he will always be here for me & baby. He text and say he will always love me & baby... Blah.. Blah..
But at the end of the day, Im not convinced bcos he still have no intention to leave his mistress.
Maybe it's real that he still hv some feelings for us, but he still chose to leave us anyway. Now he delays divorce mayb cos of guilt or simply wan the best of both worlds.

We met up last Friday, he needed money desparately for his biz & I actually loan him some. Silly me, I noe. But I still honour my vows as a wife, as long as we are still married. Will still be there for him for better or for worse. To cover his guilt, he brought me to a few shops for baby stuffs. When we were in mothercare, I actually caught him crying.
To let u noe the truth, I still love him and harbour hopes that he will wake up and turn back soon.. But it is really not something I can control. But to get things moving, I will still proceed to discuss my divorce conditions with him, so that he noe clearly wat is the implications of our divorce. I am so not looking forward to being a divorcee or single mum.

Divorce is serious, I really do not wish for any couple to go thru it unless absolutely necessary. Im glad for u that u have already made up ur mind and actually started the legal proceeding. Do u mind share with me your contact for lawyer? How much are you expected to fork out?


I still cannot truly forgive him for doing this to our baby. Walking out on me during my pregnancy is cruel. But wat hurt me most is when I think of the consequences my baby have to suffer becos of his decision. Felt very saddened by all his actions and choices.

My baby is arriving in July. I am now thinking everyday abt our future. I am examining the pros & cons of our divorce, should it happen.

I will think of our life together as a family. And I will think of our life without him in the picture. And compare, which is better for me and baby... Hvent come to a conclusion yet. Bcos my head and my heart is not telling me the same thing.

Anyway I have wrote him an email pertaining to some of my conditions & have also requested to sign paper only after my baby is born cos I needed the maternity leave, settle birth certificate & over admin stuffs for baby.

My heart is more at peace and calm now, though I still cry when I think of him & us. Dun feel like it's worthwhile to drop our marriage, but if he didn't share the same thoughts, there is no point in keeping this marriage anymore.
I will have to break the news to my parents once both me and hb agreed on this course of action.

Let's all jia you and not give up life. Have faith that watever happened, happen for a reason. Good always triumph over Bad eventually.
 
Hi mumofT,

Yes, I am a full time working mummy, with relatively long hours..& recently juz took on tuition to help hubby wif his debts...while he was spending his money on his china mistress...what an irony right? FYI I am earning more than hubby...but as i am shouldering the bulk of family expenses..i am as broke & living from month to month..

hiring a PI is useful...but expensive..and do take note that the evidences only haf a shelf life of 6 months...after that you cannot use that eveidence to file for adultry. but i was thinking it may be able to substantiate unreasonable behaviour.

for hiring of lawyer, you are the plaintiff, he is the defendant. you haf to fork out the lawyer fees too...and should he contest, it will become expensive...finally...if adultry is successful..or if you guys haf pre-mediated for the alimony and maintenance...procedure will be smoother..and you can also charge half the lawyer fee to him...

Hope faith,
my hubby told me the same thing everytime he gets caught...even this time...so its very hard to believe he says he love you and yet not willing to let go of the other...so i gathered after 5 times...he is juz treating me like a back up...or a staple...got exotic cuisine..eat exotic..after exotic run out...go back to eating rice...

but why should i be here to be his back up?? when i am double confirm with my frens a better & more responsible person versus him...

and for the record...I have maintain myself relatively well..even after so many kids...but he simply dun care about the efforts...he's like a peacock..forever is about him..

but 1 thing i appreciate in your case..your hubby is remorseful...as he cry..my hubby haf nvr drop a single tear for me..throughout our 11 yrs together..he can gave up so easily because this is not the life he built hard on...so since he found his new found love & life...& made everlastin promises to her...i have to let go..and be fair to my kiddos...
 
hi all,
juz like to share my experience with divorce lawyers..

ask them if there's a package deal for the divorce. if not, they all add on all kinds of stuff later on and u have no choice but to pay for it endlessly. can be quite substaintial amt.

every letter they file to the courts, every letter they send to the other lawyer, they will charge afew hundreds. this was wat happened to me till i told the lawyer i cant afford to pay him anymre, then he offered me package..
 
Hi mummies

Like Hope faith, I am feeling for all of you as Im in quite a similiar situation.

To cut a long story short, believe hubby has been paying for sex with the same girl, or at least at the same place. not too sure if its jus a transaction, or there are feelings involved (if he keeps going back to the same one, there prob is some feelings involved, though i dun tink the big-egoistic him can tolerate his gf to be selling her body). It may sound punitive to end a marriage just like that but i totally have zero tolerance for unfaithfulness (i mean who could tolerate such things).

I have since engaged a PI to obtain evidence of this adultery and am contemplating a divorce. This might be an unnecessary move as I can always file for divorce based on unreasonable behaviour - he's currently unemployed, compulsive gambler and damn lousy attitude when he is in foul mood.

Same like all mummies here, the thing that Im concerned with is my baby . While i have spoken to a lawyer and I know the care and control of my baby will usu be awarded to the mother cos baby is still small (my baby is less than a year), im just wondering if its right for me to deny my baby a complete family. In all fairness, my hubby is a good father.
 
It is really sad and alarming to meet so many like-fated mummies here. I sincerely wish the best for everyone. Hope all of us find the strength in us to live our life even better for our kids.

I went to baby warehouse at kaki bukit tdy. As I went round shopping, I can't stop my tears from falling, feeling sad that Im doing all these on my own.. When the baby's heartless father is out there living his shameless life.. Felt alitle down since...

Anyway, am wondering if me and hb agree on the divorce terms and we just get a same lawyer to process on our behalf can? I thought that way wld b cheaper & my hb can pay for the legal fees fully. Any such lawyers to recommend?

Actually, am not rushing to complete it. I'm waiting to give birth first in July, settle birth cert, baby bonus then officiate the divorce. Anyway, it is not quite win-win. My hb quit his day job to concentrate fully in his pub, and pub cash flow prob, he seems to hv much financial issues. Not sure if he will b able to pay me the child maintenance at all. Also, I'm not in such a hurry to give him the "freedom" to be open abt his relationship with his mistress.
 
Hi all mummies,

How is everyone coping with ur respective issues? Lately I was reading an online e-book "Deciding whether or not to get a divorce?" by Karl Augustine. Read the preview and some of his regular tips, haven't gotten much insights, but might be helpful for some to get started.

http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com

I'm now 29weeks into my pregnancy, feeling excited and anxious all at the same time. I started crying again lately whenevr I think of the future of my baby. I cry too when I keep thinking abt my hb and his actions. He hasn't call since his last call on Thu morning. He said he is handling alot of issues in his pub biz, etc. He was supposed to return me sm money on 5Apr, but hv not been able to till now. Sigh, those are the monies I kept aside for my gynae fee, hospitalisation, confinement, baby stuffs..

I know he is having financial problems.. But still.. I really wonder how is it that he can still sponsor his mistress in this state? Maybe he is a even bigger cheat now - who uses my money on his mistress? I dun know. But it's was my own wish to loan him when he came to me.

I am deciding if I shld write a complaint letter to authorities abt his mistress. I noe she return to sg on social visit pass (a filipino) and she actually wan to study here. Wat a joke! She was "freelancing" in a pub & now she found a sponsor, she want to study.. Really, I want to let authorities noe tt there are many such overstayers who wrecks up local homes and families. Wonder if anyone try this before? Wish to send her bac to her country & if my hb loves her so much, he can go stay there with her. Dun wat to even run into them here in our country..

I just felt really pissed tt my hb can sponsor her in her study & life in sg and keep telling me his financial problems at the same time. He really didn't do anything for his baby till now. I really see how irresponsible he is now. All those words he said abt loving me and baby are just words, without any real meaning.

Even if we get a divorce soon after baby is born, I am also doubtful that he will be able to provide us the maintenance or be able to contribute to my baby's life at all.

I really wish to end this misery. Dun wan to go to zzz Every night thinking abt him & his cruel ways.. And wake up every morning feeling sad, betrayed, disappointed, anxious..

Dun even know if he will come and see his baby in the hospital. He didn't dare come near my mum's place, didn't face my family. Sigh.. Going thru emotion roller coaster once again.
 
Hopefaith,

alot happened over the past 2 weeks to me as well..my hubby was caught by police..and the debt collectors have been coming up my house.

I have reported to CID about this illegal prostitute. But CID is taking their own sweet time. they claim that i dun have her passport number and real name. So it will not be on their priority. I believe, many of these cases are slipped away like that. when i read other forums, i also see local men, young educated, hooked on these PUB girls and Prostitutes. and willing to leave their family in an instant.

My hubby after he left home, continue to borrow from loanshark which got me into this predicament. I nvr though that he would be this heartless to his own flesh and blood, putting them in danger juz to make his "cock" happy.

from the way you put it, not calling you for a few days, borrowing money form you and not returning. sounds exactly like my ungrateful. I suggest you start prospecting your lawyer soon..
 
hope faith,

also my hubby went on his knees to borrow from his relatives and my friends saying its to pay off for his ex company's embezzlement, total of about 8k plus the few loanshark that he borrowed...about 10+k..all disappeared, and it did not go to his ex company. hows that? they look very down and sad, but end up taking money to make their mistress happy. It very disgraceful, but i dun think they understand the word disgrace.
 
Hi tototan,

I hope in the midst of all this happening, u r still coping okay. Hope ur kiddos are okay too. Why was he caught by police anyway? Hope ur ordeal can be over soon. I dun understd how men can be so shameless.. Do u hv to repay the debt for him in this case?

How's ur divorce proceeding going? I hv started asking ard and calling up law firm too but am still gg to wait till my baby is born in July, cos of the cert, bb bonus, maternity leave, etc.

Last thu, my hb insisted on fetching me to gynae chk up. The moment I got into his cab, I saw tt he kept crying and drying his tears. I think his guilt is eating him inside, mayb cos he saw my big belly. I found an opportunity to bring up my divorce conditions during lunch, so I asked him if he's okay with those terms I emailed him, if he okay to use same lawyer. But each time I brought up this topic, he shut off, he will avoid & said he very tired, hasn't sleep at all as he came str after he close his pub. I dunno how much longer he is gg to run away fr this prob.

Then when he sent me bac hm, he didn't dare go near my house. At lift lobby, he hugged me and assured once again tt he will be here for me (blah...) and he kissed my forehead! I was feeling upset still, and didn't resist his hug. He said he cried often now but I dunno wat he's crying for!!

I feel tt he jus wan do his bit for my baby. But I really am not sure how to handle him. To cut all ties? So that I can stop talking to him, seeing him, so tt I can forget him & live my live with my baby.

Jus a few days ago, he told me he gg to batam for a few days. I wished him happy holiday. Then he insisted tt it's not a holiday & tt he's got things to do there. But then I found fr FB tt his mistress said smthg like "gg to holiday trip with her baby".. So it's pretty obvious tt he is bringing his mistress there for holiday and still dare accused me of assuming things always and tt he is not holiday! Sigh.. It doesn't really matter tt much nw.

My heart is still painful. But I also cannt let his shameless actions affect me too much now. My baby is arriving soon, I want to stay happy and positive for my little one.

Anyway,
 
Tototan,
No matter how tough the gg is for, pls find the strength inside u to continue being strong for ur kiddos.

I drew alot of strength fr the experiences of other strong mummies here. Dunno once again wat tmr bring, but let's stay strong ya :)

U noe wat? I forgot to share tt just last week, I received a call fr my mil asking me for the most ridiculous thing! She actually wan to noe my decision, if I'm ever gg bac to that home.

As my hb has left his home to be with his mistress, my mil is looking forward to him returning hm, even if it means him bringing bac his mistress!! Can u believe this?

When she first knew abt his affair, she requested tt I dun informed my parents/family first cos she didn't noe how to face my family when baby is born, now she is forcing me to say in my words tt I will divorce her son. I totally detest tt family now.
 
hope faith,
wat is ur hb doing?? hw can he be so insensitive n selfish, wanting the best of both worlds? y he did not spare a tot for ur feelings 2? he has his mistress to entertain him, while u have nothing and keep crying and feeling so sad. if he has any 'humane' left in him, he will make a final decision n stop leading u on!

u r so strong, really look up to u.
 
Hi Hopefaith,

my husband when he was with the mistress, he say things like "do you think I am enjoying my late night work".."who the hell likes to be a pimp and runner" " I am doing this to provide for the family" and he looked damn stressed up everyday.

but juz when I discovered the affair, he brought her to Swisshotel Stamford to stay 1 night costing $368 and brought her & her other prostitutes frens along to a thai club. and when I have $8 left for myself and the kiddos, he was treating the mistress to nice exp chinese food in chinatown.

My MIL who went through the same thing, but less shameless situation because she wasn't working so my FIL had affairs but did not drain her money as she have non, and provided her with the minimal..like $300-$500 per month. She also asked, if my husband were to sit in jail for his embezzlement, will I forgive him and bring him home. and my another SIL felt that he is mentally ill, now that he's in jail and lost his job, how can I leave him at his lowest? They being women themselves, and mums themselves, can actually feel that what he has done is forgivable!! They did not dare to see what the ah longs have done to deface my house, did not see how the kids are acting up and dun haf to bear with the heartpain of betrayal emotionally and financially.

fortunately, in the midst of all this, I have very strong emotional support form my youngest SIL, who haf seen me through his many flings and affairs. She have helped me to get pass the mental block that "it was my fault he became like that"

She pointed out something which I did not see, by having a mistress and not turning back & salvaging the marriage, he is probably hoping for the divorce as much as you do. Its just that they don't do anything, in hope that it will deter you from carrying on and save them the cost. At the same time, next time they wun be labled as the one who forsake the wife because "THEY DIDN"T WANT THE DIVORCE" we forced them to...make sense now?? They made it out to the whole world that WE ARE DESTROYING THE MARRIAGE not them. Next thing you know, my hubby used this excuse, "if i want a real affair, I would have done it with a local, why do I look for international ladies, because I know one day they will be gone, I will come back to you. " and I was taken in 4 times.

My heart stop aching...and now when I talk about his predicament, I can laugh about it somemore. I think its a blessing to me that I can stand strong and carry on living. It only hurt when my kids say they missed their father, but they also understood that he will nvr be home.

Before your kid grow up and understand how shitty his dad is, pls leave. You will have chance. His work life will not keep him away from temptations, there will always be another sweet young thing available. Unless you would like me, go through it 5 times before I wake up. Don't abuse and torture youself like me..
 
Hi Sungrapes and tototan,

Hv no clue what he is up to, but nevertheless, I'm decided. I will divorce once bb is born. I only wish I dun hv to keep asking him for child maintenance & tt he will pay up on his own accord. Really wish to cut all ties.

Sungrapes, actually I am nt strong, I'm trying my best bcos I hv alittle one inside me. I can't hv her suffer even more. And I must admit I still care for my hb, will take sometimes to erase my love for him. I dunno how to, for now, whenever I'm sad, I jus remind myself of his shameless selfish actions and choices. Not very healthy tho, but at least for now, I can't keep crying, it's bad for my baby.

Tototan, I do hope u dun hv to repay his debts. It will b so hard on u & kiddos. Do b careful and take gd care. I understd wat u mean. I hv seen thru his lies and I'm not gg to let them affect me too much anymore. He wants to b with his mistress, so be it. Will be calm and work out the divorce conditions to my baby's needs. Tt is the most impt now.

He just called me earlier, got back from his rendenvous holiday!! He said those superficial stuffs - How am I doing, blah blah.. The call didn't do much to me, i guess I'm glad to hear tt he's still alive & I'm gg to ask for my money back (my baby's money actually)..

Hope to end this chapter soon.
Thanks ladies for hearing me out and giving me advice. Let us all see the sun rise again after the rain.
 


hope faith,
im oso expecting. my 2nd bb. smtimes when i quarrel with my hb i feel so lousy and all kinds of wild tots run thru my mind..i cld never be as strong as u. i know wat u mean when u say u still love ur hb inspite of wat he's doing to u. we will always carry that hope in our hearts tat smday they will appreciate wat we have done and cherish wat they have(family).

when u finally get to meet ur bb, u will feel very blessed and motivated. this is hw i feel with my son now. evtime my hb and i fight,i just spend time with my son and he brings happiness and comfort to me.

take care
 
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