A selfish husband

K

kokokrunch

Member
Hi everyone, need some advise here.

I am with my husband for 13 years (married for 5 years) and we have 2 lovely children. My boy is 2 years old and girl 3 months. We are usually a happy family only if I don't expect anything from my husband. Here's why....

Since the arrival of my 2nd child, I begin to notice a difference in my husband. He gets very frustrated when I 'expect' him to help around the house now that we have 2 kids. He says that we should leave it to the maid to do it. However, my son is not in school until Jan hence taking care of 2 kids can be a lot of work. Plus, my son is still going through an emotional phase trying to accept the baby- throw tantrums, being naughty, etc. So I believe in giving him care and attention, explaining things to him slowly.

Yet amidst all that chaos , my husband still expects the maid to cook his meals, do laundry, clean toilet. In his mind, he still wants to live like nothing has changed even though things changed with a baby. And I talk to him to reason with him about cutting back some work for the maid, we end up quarreling. Therefore, to make things calmer at home, I decide to quit my job to look after the kids. My maid look after 1, and I will take care of the other. In between, it gives the maid some time to catchup on her housework.

However, lately I fell very ill and couldn't get out of bed for 2 days. And as usual, expecting my husband to chip in to help was a mistake. He got very angry ( at dunno what) and even got drunk at night when he is suppose to help monitor my temperature. When I woke up in the morning and we argued, he say it's not in his character to do such things.

Even at lunch time, he went to kitchen to cook himself some noodles but didn't bother to ask me if I need to eat.

At the end of the day, I'm grateful to have such a helpful maid. And I learned to not expect anything from my husband. It's really sad to arrive at such a thought but I'm really disappointed with him. Can't help but question our marriage and his contribution. If there are no more expectations, no partnership in this marriage,
then I don't see a point in staying married.

Anyone has a similar situation? Any advise?
 


My guess is he's competing for attention with 2 kids. Men can be funny some times. Take a break from your kids and housework. Go for a date with him and talk it out. :)
 
Hi chuckles,

We just went on a date last week to celebrate my birthday. I guess things are all fine if he doesn't need to lift a finger at home, and if I don't expect him to do anything.

He loves to play with our children but doesn't like to take care of them. He says it's not in his character. But I told him that he needs to change, because it wasn't in my character to be a mother too. But we all need to change and adapt for our children. Then he said that I shouldn't tell him what to do.

He told me he want his life back. He wants to pursue his cycling hobby and goes cycle 4 times a week. He gets very angry when anything such as this disrupts his cycling schedule. Isn't this quite selfish.

I guess things are all good when it's good because I usually do everything myself or I ask my maid, but when kids fall sick or I fall sick or if any other things happen at home that disrupts his need 'to get his life back' we always end up fighting very badly. He cannot see himself as my partner, to contribute to the family when help is needed, and support me when I'm sick.

Now I just learned not to expect and take things in my stride. I just do my best. And I'm starting to feel that it doesn't make a difference if he is in my life or not.
 
I totally understand what u mean and what u r going thru. Same for my case. Husband juz wanna do his work and pursue hobbies while we women muz take care of chores, take care of kid, take care of him PLUS go out society and work. Plainly speaking. . They r juz selfish and are not family men. U either accept this fact now or leave him coz they will never change.
 
I feel you as my husband also same kind. Plain lazy, ask him to do some housework, he will say "later"..until I cannot take it and do it myself. And what is he busy with? Fighting monsters on ipad, whatsapp with his international team mates on strategy to beat the game. *shake head*

He can be on it for hours on end and yet he said he is not at it for long - "just on & off" (or so he claims). He spent more time looking at his ipad than me and kids. I have learnt to accept it, just hoping for the day that my kids grow up and I can have my own life back. I cant offer you much solution here but just to give you some encouragment. Some man just doesn't grow up.
 
He is not prepared to be a Daddy and could not adapt to the new life with the kids. Not to mean any offence, sadly to say, you and him should not have any kids until u feel he is prepared. That is the main reason for the situation today I guess....
 
Finally I don't feel that I'm the only one .
Kokokrunch,you are still very fortunate as there's no need to take care of his mum.
 
Hi kokokrunch. Don't feel that way. I also feel that I am a mother to 3 children - 1 son, 1 doter and 1 husband. If the maid can help, maybe just get the maid to help. Husbands are just another child of ours. I think men are wired differently. I remembered there is a book 'Men are from Mars and women are from Venus'. You are not the first person to discover this. ;P
 
I am a daddy with 2 kids - a 2 yrs old daughter and a 4 yrs old son. I need to give up a lot of stuff to look after the family. My afternoon nap.. My leisure weekend... My hobby...Even to read my morning paper. You know, kids when u are reading newspaper, they will definitely come to disturb. At the end of the day, u must be prepared to sacrifice your life used to be do comfortable. Ha..ha... But it is worth it with the joys and 'sorrow' they give u.
 
kelvinangsw said:
I am a daddy with 2 kids - a 2 yrs old daughter and a 4 yrs old son. I need to give up a lot of stuff to look after the family. My afternoon nap.. My leisure weekend... My hobby...Even to read my morning paper. You know, kids when u are reading newspaper, they will definitely come to disturb. At the end of the day, u must be prepared to sacrifice your life used to be do comfortable. Ha..ha... But it is worth it with the joys and 'sorrow' they give u.
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I just want to add that.... mothers sacrifice a lot for the family too...
 
kokocrunch, your experience sent shivers down my spine as it reminded me so much of my father. When I was growing up under his roof with my younger brother, he worked hard to provide for the family financially but never lifted a finger to do housework. He expected to eat homecooked food every weekday and that must include fish and soup. He would complain rudely and spit out the food if it wasn't to his liking. At home, he only loved to watch TV (at loud volumes, even during my exam periods) and read newspapers. My mum was emotionally unstable at that time (thankfully she's much better now) and we didn't have a maid, so she in turn expected me to be the "part-time maid" to do housework, which was hard for me as I was so busy with studies. If I failed to "take the initiative" to wash the dishes, do laundry or mop the floor, without her having to ask me, I would get endless screaming outbursts from her. My parents had a very volatile relationship, lots of quarrels and violent threats. After I moved out after graduation, my father was semi-retired and became even more protective of his time and his hobbies, what he loves to call his "freedom". No one has any right to impede on his freedom. He became hooked on karaoke and dancing with women, and whenever my mum asked him to cut back on the hobbies to spend more time with her, she would get hell from him. Finally, he used the excuse that my mum was "restricting" his "freedom" to move out and started an affair with another woman. My mum is holding on to the marriage for fear that the mistress would squander away his lifelong savings if she were to divorce him. My father now only goes home 2 days a week. My mum spends many lonely nights alone. I have cut off ties with him out of disgust over his lifestyle and lack of morality.

kokocrunch, I'm not saying your husband will definitely turn out like my father *touch wood*. But if I were you, I would hope for the best but expect the worst. I would lower my expectations of him, after all, you have a good maid to help you. It's not the best solution to rely so much on a maid but I believe it's hard for a leopard to change its spots. As the both of you grow old and your children grow up, keep a watchful eye on him, in case he makes decisions out of selfishness that may ultimately hurt or neglect you. Plan for worst case scenarios (e.g. if he cheats, if he walks out on the family, if he squanders away the money etc.) so that you will not be taken by surprise and you will know what you'd want to do in case the worst happens.

I wish you all the best.
 
kokokrunch said:
Hi chuckles,

We just went on a date last week to celebrate my birthday. I guess things are all fine if he doesn't need to lift a finger at home, and if I don't expect him to do anything.

He loves to play with our children but doesn't like to take care of them. He says it's not in his character. But I told him that he needs to change, because it wasn't in my character to be a mother too. But we all need to change and adapt for our children. Then he said that I shouldn't tell him what to do.

He told me he want his life back. He wants to pursue his cycling hobby and goes cycle 4 times a week. He gets very angry when anything such as this disrupts his cycling schedule. Isn't this quite selfish.

I guess things are all good when it's good because I usually do everything myself or I ask my maid, but when kids fall sick or I fall sick or if any other things happen at home that disrupts his need 'to get his life back' we always end up fighting very badly. He cannot see himself as my partner, to contribute to the family when help is needed, and support me when I'm sick.

Now I just learned not to expect and take things in my stride. I just do my best. And I'm starting to feel that it doesn't make a difference if he is in my life or not.
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I totally understand yr situation. I was in the same shoes, and I learnt to just try my best. I don't even ask for his help. If the house is messy, I just try my best to keep it neat but it will not be perfect. Just do yr best. Men are selfish which I agree, very few men will take up the responsibility of a father and husband. To me, those who can't commit to 100% to being a father or husband shld not marry at all. If yr husband want some time to cycle, he needs to discuss it with u. He shld cut down to 2 times a week as he is a father of 2 or he has to manage his time which is agreeable with u.

Both of u shld agree otherwise one would feel unhappy and resentment sets in, which is not healthy for the marriage. That is the hardest to achieve in marriage, cos I can't even achieve it as it needs 2 hands to clap.

Kokocrunch, you can try yr best with the kids and chores, but I think you will not be happy when yr husband goes cycling 4 times a week without helping out. Since he can't compromise, just focus on yrself n yr kids. Take care of yrself n u can still be happy. Just live yr life as if he doesn't exist since he doesn't take yr feelings into consideration. Let him do what he wants, and you do what u want, and be happy with the kids. When they grow up, the person they will think of is u as u are always there for them. That is yr greatest reward.
 
Yes, this kind of man live for themselves. First half of life spolit by mother and second half spoilt by wife....I guess!!! Nothing you do will change them, so don't bother. But not all man are like that. Just our own choice, what to do?
 
I think couples need a lot of talking, sorting out issues. I do not think just focussing on our children will be fine. For me, husband is the person I will walk the rest of my life with. Children will leave my sides and set up their families. Marriage is the result of love and commitment keeps marriage going.

My husband is also like a big child. He has not changed diapers more than 5 times for his 2 children and do not help in household chores too. There are many things he cannot do. However, I did not marry him for all these. I accept that these are his weaknesses and look at his strengths. He is in charge of planning for holidays and I make him responsinle for reading books to children every night. If husbands cannot be octopus like mummies, at least assign 1 task he can do.

My husband enjoys watching TV to playing with children, when I ask him to take care of children, they end up watching TV with him. When I read to children, he dozes off beside them. I think we just have to admit that these are not their strengths. If we were to compare them with other husbands, they too can compare us with other wives. There will be no end.

The key is communication, I feel. I also realise things we say do not get registered in their brains.
:p
 
However unless we can find a very good helper which is not be easy..we woman has to do everything..and taking care of kids full time is draining and on top of that chores..we too have hobbies but most likely we have given up hope of having much free time till kids are older..our kids need fathers and yet I wonder why some fathers still feel as long as I provide I am good.. As kids grow especially teen years they need to have a bond with male models.. I pray dads if you are reading this..do know kids need you and mums need a break for our sanity..have you tried putting yourself in our shoe?
 
Thanks everyone for their advise. I treat my hubby just like a friend now, and don't really ask him for anything. I also learnt not to expect him to help even if I am sick, it'll be easier this way. I'm happier and relieved when he is not at home or traveling for work because it just feels less pressure. The separation also gives me my space to breathe. I hope that when children grows up, I can slowly have my 'me' time back too. By then, not sure how will things turn out to be with me and hubby.
 
Mummies,
Why are there more female teachers than male teachers?
Why do male obstetrician seem less caring?
Why are there more male engineers than female ones?

Men and women are different, that's the reason. Women are more emotional than men, we worry when our children are sick, we think far ahead. Men are different.

I also served my husband food and washed dishes for him even when I was into last month of pregnancy. When he sat down for food, and there was only a chair, and he just took the seat. He did not bother to bring another one for me until I asked him y. He said that he did not realise that. I felt sad like you did but after that when I do self reflection, I ask myself what if my husband confronts me of the things I cannot do. There are things I cannot be what he wants of me too, like I am not adventurous, I do not like to go to certain places etc.

My husband and I talk. Whenever I tell him why I am sad abt things he cannot do, he will tell me not to give up on him. The fact is, he will still be the same old self. I guess if we marry to change a person, then that is not the purpose of marriage.

When I am sick, my husband will sit outside to watch TV and only comes in after his show. Don't worry, you are not alone. My husband cannot change diaper for bbs, seldom take a bath for them, calls me for help when he cannot handle children. When bathing soap or shampoo runs out, he does not stock them up, nor will he throw away old bottles and replace them with new ones. There was once he went without shampoo for 1 week even though it was just in the cabinet.
He just cannot do all these or maybe too lazy to do all these.

My point is, don't give up on your marriage just because of what he cannot do. Think of his strengths. If your child cannot live up to your expectations, do you give him/her away? Definitely not right? We will guide them as long as we live.

For me, I see it as a blessing to be able to give, then to receive. It shows that I am blessed with good health and ability to help others.
 
Mummysniper,

Thanks for sharing. I agree with you that communication is important and it can solves all problems, only if 2 spouses are willing to put in the effort. I wish I can be like you, I am always changing myself to be better, until 4 yrs ago my husband betrayed me. In such situation, do u think it is still easy to accept the husband's flaws? Despite my effort for many yrs to communicate with him abt our problems, my patience has worn out, desperation and resentment sets in. I keep feeling stuck. He simply took my communication as a joke as he never took it seriously.

It would be great if a husband really listens to what the wife has to say and act upon what needs to be improved. Til this day, my husband say he will improve but I see no changes. The betrayal has stopped and I was still trying to work on the marriage but he did nothing and act as nothing has happened. I was still hurting even the betrayal has stopped, that is why I advise kokocrunch to focus on herself and the kids. Take care of herself instead of wearing herself out on making the marriage better. I hv worn myself out for the past 4 yrs, my emotional, physical health is compromised. As I looked back, was it worth the effort? Couples need to give and take, one can't be taking all the time at the expense of the other.

My husband is not aware of what I said to him so many times? He just can't be bothered at all. It is great that u hv a lot of love for yr husband and u still respect him. It is cos yr marriage is still intact and not broken by betrayal before. Some men are just not marriage material, really. My husband is no longer the man I knew before marriage, after marriage I don't know him at all. That is why I cannot understand why he can choose to hurt me if he really loves me. A marriage is still worth saving if there is no betrayal. It is easier to heal compared to a broken marriage.
 
kokokrunch said:
Thanks everyone for their advise. I treat my hubby just like a friend now, and don't really ask him for anything. I also learnt not to expect him to help even if I am sick, it'll be easier this way. I'm happier and relieved when he is not at home or traveling for work because it just feels less pressure. The separation also gives me my space to breathe. I hope that when children grows up, I can slowly have my 'me' time back too. By then, not sure how will things turn out to be with me and hubby.
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I totally understand ur decision. Sometimes communication doesn't work at all. Do what is best for u. I also feel better when he is not at home. It has reached to that point, sadly.

For other mummies who advocate communication is important, we hv tried it and it proves to be useless for some marriages. What can u do when the spouse pretends to listen or refuse to listen? If the hubby doesn't keep an open mind n doesn't understand how the wife feel, the wife shld take care of herself first. It will be nice for both spouses to give and take, sometimes one becomes the giver and the other is the receiver. Ultimately, the giver suffers and stop giving. The marriage also starts dying. Sorry to sound negative but not many marriages work out, no matter how hard we try.
 
Hi moorspa7! You are a fantastic woman! Instead of giving up, you chose to give your husband another chance. You do love your husband too.

I have been with my husband for 14 years (married for 10 years). When we were dating , he brought his mummy along. Back then, I was thinking, which man brings his mummy for dates? Anyway, this went on for a number of years although not every time. So, he is like a mummy's boy, very pampered, and doesn't even know how to cut a water melon now.

For years, we have talked about things that bothered me but like what you mentioned in your post, things do not improve. Imagine I have a mother in law too who stays with me. Being an old lady, she repeats herself fairly frequently and can speak of the same topic for 15 minutes. She always shares her stories with me as I reach home first. At dinner table, she will share her stories again and my husband normally reacts at the 3rd - 6th time she mentions it and oh gosh, the stories has to be repeated again because my husband has not focussed on what she said 5 times ago!!!

I did ask him and he said he did not hear what his mother said and it is an auto shut-off mode. So, all these while things I have repeated have been shut off from his world too. :eek:

My friend strayed (female) and her husband forgave her. They started afresh and have not looked back since. My friend is a lazy mum. She pushes everything to her husband. My other friend fights with her husband because both are strong headed and want things to be done in their own way. She said they fought on wedding night and fight over things like packing luggage.:confused: For this friend, she prefers someone not as proactive. I guess, one can never be satisfied.

Seeing friends who suffer from terminal diseases pass away and with plane crashing and missing incidents makes me appreciate what I have.

Moorspa7, you have worked out something that is best for your situation and whatever it is, stay strong and be happy.
 
Mummysniper,

Thanks for sharing. I am also with my husband for 14 yrs (married for 10 yrs too). I am glad you hv posted as it brings a lot positivity to this thread. All I can say it takes 2 hands to clap in a marriage, also close one eye otherwise one party would suffer. When I hv compromised for so long til I can't anymore, I know which direction to go to. I guess my patience n respect for him has worn off long ago. Everyday I am trying to be strong and happy for myself and the kids. It is hard but there are times when I feel so positive, right now it is one of those low moments which I need to get out of it fast, as I am overstretched again.
 
Hi Ladies , I can understand what all of you are going through. For me , i am no different from you. Our communication break down after my daughter is 2 years old. Dish are left unwashed by my husband until night and even the next day . House is messy with all things left lying by my husband. CaN't expect him to do housework when there is no maid , cannot expect him to cook, still have to work full time and care for my daughter fully.

Whenever time he has, he will be sleeping and napping . while i will be busy with housechores.

In this siutation, who would want to support government pushing for Singapore babies?

2 is more than enough(one child and one husband).
 
My guess is that all the (self-centred & pampered) husbands mentioned here are Singaporean men? Any Chinese Malaysian husbands?

If I'm right, my theory is that most Singaporean parents tend to over protect n shelter their sons - becoz sons are so 'bao bei'....and us the women got toughened n independent indirectly or directly becoz of such a traditional mindset/ culture..

Those of us who hv sons mustn't make d same mistake...
 
It's not nationality issue. My hubby is a Malaysian Chinese, but is similar.

It maybe a culture thing in Chinese families to pamper boys more than girls and when they grow up, marry and become fathers, they will be still happily living in the shadows of their mothers babying them.

I do not really have issues with my hubby not lifting a finger to care for our children until being told or even when he joins his friends for overseas cycling trips. But my MIL will be very unhappy (puts on a long black face) if I ask my hubby to help feed/wash bottle or attend to crying baby. And she still have the cheek to say, "你的老公从小到大都不用做家务。 是娶了你之后才让你呼来喝去。自古以来， 一个老婆/妈妈需要做家务大部分都要我儿子帮！真是越来越苦命！" This is despite the fact that I work long hours and may have to work at home till the wee hours of the morning and even weekends, while her son play games, goes cycling or the gym.
 
mummysniper said:
I think couples need a lot of talking, sorting out issues. I do not think just focussing on our children will be fine. For me, husband is the person I will walk the rest of my life with. Children will leave my sides and set up their families. Marriage is the result of love and commitment keeps marriage going.

My husband is also like a big child. He has not changed diapers more than 5 times for his 2 children and do not help in household chores too. There are many things he cannot do. However, I did not marry him for all these. I accept that these are his weaknesses and look at his strengths. He is in charge of planning for holidays and I make him responsinle for reading books to children every night. If husbands cannot be octopus like mummies, at least assign 1 task he can do.

My husband enjoys watching TV to playing with children, when I ask him to take care of children, they end up watching TV with him. When I read to children, he dozes off beside them. I think we just have to admit that these are not their strengths. If we were to compare them with other husbands, they too can compare us with other wives. There will be no end.

The key is communication, I feel. I also realise things we say do not get registered in their brains.
:p
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Mummy sniper, I salute you for being so 伟大..
focus on our spouses' strengths rather than comparing with others.. At times easier said than done..many times think and think / act through before we say/do anything hurting because the repercussions can b huge...
 
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Selfish husbands?? Think mine will fit nicely into this group too...
Bad temper, complain everyday about everything, no friends since cannot accept others' short comings, self centred and worst of all... stingy!
I'm really compelled to marriage counselling on my own to see if i'm expecting too much. I've already reached the stage whereby i have no interest in listening to him and don't even bother to acknowledge when he speaks to me! Can't bring this counselling topic up since his pride will give me the reply... "don't need counselling, just divorce". I'm not afraid of living on my own and even raising the kids on my own. But rather is I'd push for a healthy co-parenting in which is not likely to happen since he is a super petty sort who won't forgive anyone! I'm slapping myself on why I married him!!
I don't really care if he has friends nor close relatives or even respecting anyone. I'm concern about how he "supports" this family..
Children school fees ($1k) : He pays
Utilities (<$200) : He pays
HomeLoan ($3k) : He pays half
monthly food catering ($600) : I pay
children bus fees ($250) : I pay
groceries : I pay
children enrichment ($500) : I pay
maid's levy ($120) : I pay
maid's salary ($500) : He pays half
outside dining : I pay
dining with friends : I pay
clothes and toys for kids : I buy
music instrument for kids : I buy
repairs and things for house : we split 50%
car (he needs car to work) : i sponsored 10k
child birth : use my medisave, cash he paid. so it's about half
confinement fees : he paid half
he will only pay for dining if his mum comes a long which is once in a "purple" moon!
can i ask if your husbands split household expenses to these details and if i'm expecting too much? when i voice my concerns, he will tell me to stop the classes for the kids! i really don't need him and feel he is redundant! i'm very very very tired...
 
My hubby is the same. He comes from a traditional family whereby men just need to earn money and women have to serve them. Even my FIL, will have his food ready for him after he returns home from work and he will leave empty bowls on the dining table after he finished eating. No doubt my hubby also does the same thing, but when we moved out i did tell him he has to help. But he has never done much housework and doesn't know how to iron clothes. When i was expecting my 2nd child, i told him he has to get me a helper, although i do not like to have a maid at all.

With a helper, he just got lazier as well.. i am so used to it and already numb that i find it pointless to nag lah. Nag too much also later create conflicts when hubby just returns from work and all he hears is my nagging.

Now my policy is, things to do with my kids (cooking their food, feeding, showering, putting them to bed) is my duty as a mum. Other stuff like washing of dishes, cooking for me and hubby, laundry and housework etc is maid. I will still ask hubby to help out once in a while when i need to shower or express milk. But everytime i am done i will see my elder kid playing by herself, younger kid in walker or high chair watching TV while he is on his laptop! I, too, kept quiet about it. So when I am around with my children i seldom turn on the TV or use baby walker as I want to limit their usage.

To be very frank though, my hubby supports the family financially. I only pay for groceries, maid levy, kid's enrichment and toys/clothes for them.. The rest are paid by him, including my hp bill. Meals outside we just take turns. Many times I do face problems with maid and am tempted to resign and be a SAHM which he is supportive of, at least until my younger child turns 18 mths and able to go childcare.. But given the fact that if hubby doesnt like to help, i will definitely be a sulky wife in no time if i have to manage housework and children alone. I'd rather work, let maid handle housework and come back to a clean house and spend my time with children. To men, once they pay for a maid they expect us to leave them alone... but kokokrunch, u are very lucky to have a good helper and u dont have to work. So obviously your hubby doesn't see why he has to help out.
 
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Hi Kalisz, your situation sounds so similar to mine. I'm actually still working but am planning to quit my job soon. However, I must admit that I have fears of becoming financially dependent on my hubby. But for the sake of my children, and my desire to spend more time with them instead of leaving them to my maid whom they pick up Philippino accent from, I think it's a sacrifice I will make.

The only thing is now my hubby will become more arrogant and take it for granted that he is king at home since he is paying for everything at home after I quit. I just need to suck it up!
 
zigggy said:
"你的老公从小到大都不用做家务。 是娶了你之后才让你呼来喝去。自古以来， 一个老婆/妈妈需要做家务大部分都要我儿子帮！真是越来越苦命！"
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How's your relationship with your MIL? It's terrible that she said this to you.
 
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kokokrunch said:
Hi chuckles,

We just went on a date last week to celebrate my birthday. I guess things are all fine if he doesn't need to lift a finger at home, and if I don't expect him to do anything.

He loves to play with our children but doesn't like to take care of them. He says it's not in his character. But I told him that he needs to change, because it wasn't in my character to be a mother too. But we all need to change and adapt for our children. Then he said that I shouldn't tell him what to do.

He told me he want his life back. He wants to pursue his cycling hobby and goes cycle 4 times a week. He gets very angry when anything such as this disrupts his cycling schedule. Isn't this quite selfish.

I guess things are all good when it's good because I usually do everything myself or I ask my maid, but when kids fall sick or I fall sick or if any other things happen at home that disrupts his need 'to get his life back' we always end up fighting very badly. He cannot see himself as my partner, to contribute to the family when help is needed, and support me when I'm sick.

Now I just learned not to expect and take things in my stride. I just do my best. And I'm starting to feel that it doesn't make a difference if he is in my life or not.
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Did you give up your hobbies for the kids? What would happen if you say you also want to do your hobby 3 times a week?
 
Hi 2dogs2kids, if your hubby is so calculative to the very last cent, I see no future in him. This is his kids & wife not any other strangers. A man marry a wife to dote & love her, not marry her to serve him.
 
I am thinking of finding a lawyer to file a divorce.........if a communication breaks down, what is there left in a marriage?
 
Linwong said:
I am thinking of finding a lawyer to file a divorce.........if a communication breaks down, what is there left in a marriage?
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maybe a cool off period first? move to your parents hse, if after few weeks, and you find life is better without him then consider divorce?
 
I think the main problem is I no longer understand him, cannot communicate with him, and the love between us is growing faint, like a withered flower. How I hope when my husband comes home from work will give me a deep hug, asks how my day is , and kisses me on the lips before saying night. All these are more like a dream, but easy for other men to do that, not for him. Is it cos I have been a SAHM, no longer finds me attractive, more like yellow-faced obasan that's why sex life also becomes tiring for him? Really sad to see myself in such a state..............
 
hi lin wong,
you should go out work first and have a earning power before you talk about divorce.
Otherwise you will lose the custody of your kid.
for the time being, just bear with his nonsense first.
Rem the kid must be with you even though both of you are separate.
 
Linwong said:
I think the main problem is I no longer understand him, cannot communicate with him, and the love between us is growing faint, like a withered flower. How I hope when my husband comes home from work will give me a deep hug, asks how my day is , and kisses me on the lips before saying night. All these are more like a dream, but easy for other men to do that, not for him. Is it cos I have been a SAHM, no longer finds me attractive, more like yellow-faced obasan that's why sex life also becomes tiring for him? Really sad to see myself in such a state..............
Click to expand...

actually how many husbands come back home will give their wives deep hug, asks how her day and kisses you on the lips before saying goodnight.. this is pak tor period then have one la...

likewise how many wives now will act cute and clap hands to say how macho or smart is their husbands when their husbands do something for them o_O

this is the real world
 
Hubby complains he pays for car but I use it all the time. I say I quit my high salary job and stay at home, I made my sacrifices too. Hubby bad temper swears in front of kids and I just cannot take it. Always quarrel in front of my 2yr old son. I told him to stop and he say he can't be bothered. I told him if that's the case then don't be part of bringing up the kids. He asks me to 'go ahead'. It's a bad environment and I don't want my kids to learn from him. That's why planning my next move if we really have to split up.

Is it true that a SAHM will lose the custody of her kids if she got no job? Can she have care and control of kids but ask for alimony such as house,car and allowances for the kids school fees/medical/insurance etc.?
 
kokokrunch said:
Is it true that a SAHM will lose the custody of her kids if she got no job? Can she have care and control of kids but ask for alimony such as house,car and allowances for the kids school fees/medical/insurance etc.?
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if you cant take care of yourself, then how to convince judge that you can take care of the kids??
understand from my friend's case is the judge will give kid maintenance fee to the mum (if the kid is under her), and another 10% of the husband's salary for alimony. if the 10% is enough for you to survive, i think should be ok. i dont think there is such thing as house & car allowance for ex.. if not, the ex husband also quite ke lian (not saying yours is ke lian.. just generally)
 
True. I just quit my job and then he takes it for granted that I do everything. Like he brings home the bacon and he deserves to treat me this way. But I also made my sacrifices too.
 
You might like to consider setting a schedule for what the maid can do. Prioritise important work first. example:

1. Cook daily (standard)
2. Clean toilets 3 times a week (if not dirty maybe even twice a week)
3. Clean house on alternate days
4. Wash clothes 4 times a week
5 Marketing with you once in 2 weeks.

Between the cleaning house and wash clothes, try not to clash on same day so that leaves u with more time with kids and cooking.

Then of cos the playing with kids, entertaining the kids, can alternate between the mother and maid cos usually husband also work till quite busy...i usually try to lessen my husband burden by taking care of the kids so he has more time to rest.

I am sure you can do it...be patient with the husband, things will work out well...
 
kokokrunch said:
True. I just quit my job and then he takes it for granted that I do everything. Like he brings home the bacon and he deserves to treat me this way. But I also made my sacrifices too.
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if he doesnt help in the first place, dont expect he will help in the future. if he can maintain the same standard, you are already lucky.

you cannot change him to your expectation if he doesnt want to change. what you can change is yourself only. if quiting your job makes you unhappy, and going back will makes you happier, then do it. try to change things within your means, as it is much more easier.
 
Unfortunately, there is still 'inequality' between man and woman. We feel harder because our generation as women have to work and take care of the family as compared to our parents era where most of them are just housewifes. Most of the hubbies are brought up in such families where their mum serve them.

Manage your expectation by not having any. Don't keep thinking 'he should do it, he should know' because if you don't say, he will not know.
Than we get frustrated and complain.

Give specific instructions like mop the whole house, wash and hang the clothes after it is done instead of vague instructions like pack the house.

Also, never put him down after he done the task. How many times we will complain say the bowl not clean enough, floor still dirty, why so long than hang the clothes.
He will think, since do also not appreciative, might as well don't do.

Hubbies can be babies at time....no choice lah
 
I have already learn not to expect anything from him. But since quitting my job, I find that he become very chauvinistic I.e. he gets to make all decisions and have the final say. He thinks because he pays for it, he can disregard my opinion. Things are worse because he has a bad temper, so now when he fight, he will shout at me or swear in front of our kids. I decided today to stand up for what is right for my kids and told him to stop if not don't be part of bringing them up. He actually told me to go ahead as he cant be bothered.

I am not sure if it's the same as 'not expect anything'.
 
kokokrunch- i think it is time u let ur child go childcare or kindy and get a part time or fulltime job and be independent financially so that you can give ur child the best you want and not depend on him. I hate man who thinks they bring back bacon means they are king!
 
Hi, I am a Young mom. My husband seldom help Me with the housework too. When I am back at my mom home with my baby he will not pack our room nor make it clean to wait for our arrival. He has to always wait for me to come back then start doing (partially ) Because I do most of the work. Very tired,and,sick of it already.

Add on, we are only 1 year into marriage and i feel super tired of all this.
 
Omg..i realised mine same as yours..
I paid for sch fees & enrichment..
Which is also once in a purple moon..he pay for dinning w his mum..
My mum look aft my younger boy..which i am giving..
He felt since its my mum..i shd give..
Hey come on, my mum look aft his son leh..
Wow cow..we have been aruging on this till i super sianz...
He super dun like the presence of maid..
When we hv maid (i paid evertything btw), he keep asking me not to hv maid..
With maid ard, he helped w dishes & children & even washing & cleaning..
Wow cow...without maid he practically sat there doing his so call.own things like a big boss & refuse to help at all..
Still can tell me he tired .. he stress..
Come on..i am working full time too..weekend i cook & wash & clean & take care my boys..
He sat there & by noon he is like a baby..need to nap liao

2dogs2kids said:
Selfish husbands?? Think mine will fit nicely into this group too...
Bad temper, complain everyday about everything, no friends since cannot accept others' short comings, self centred and worst of all... stingy!
I'm really compelled to marriage counselling on my own to see if i'm expecting too much. I've already reached the stage whereby i have no interest in listening to him and don't even bother to acknowledge when he speaks to me! Can't bring this counselling topic up since his pride will give me the reply... "don't need counselling, just divorce". I'm not afraid of living on my own and even raising the kids on my own. But rather is I'd push for a healthy co-parenting in which is not likely to happen since he is a super petty sort who won't forgive anyone! I'm slapping myself on why I married him!!
I don't really care if he has friends nor close relatives or even respecting anyone. I'm concern about how he "supports" this family..
Children school fees ($1k) : He pays
Utilities (<$200) : He pays
HomeLoan ($3k) : He pays half
monthly food catering ($600) : I pay
children bus fees ($250) : I pay
groceries : I pay
children enrichment ($500) : I pay
maid's levy ($120) : I pay
maid's salary ($500) : He pays half
outside dining : I pay
dining with friends : I pay
clothes and toys for kids : I buy
music instrument for kids : I buy
repairs and things for house : we split 50%
car (he needs car to work) : i sponsored 10k
child birth : use my medisave, cash he paid. so it's about half
confinement fees : he paid half
he will only pay for dining if his mum comes a long which is once in a "purple" moon!
can i ask if your husbands split household expenses to these details and if i'm expecting too much? when i voice my concerns, he will tell me to stop the classes for the kids! i really don't need him and feel he is redundant! i'm very very very tired...
Click to expand...
 


ssybaby said:
Omg..i realised mine same as yours..
He super dun like the presence of maid..
When we hv maid (i paid evertything btw), he keep asking me not to hv maid..
With maid ard, he helped w dishes & children & even washing & cleaning..
Wow cow...without maid he practically sat there doing his so call.own things like a big boss & refuse to help at all..
Still can tell me he tired .. he stress..
Come on..i am working full time too..weekend i cook & wash & clean & take care my boys..
He sat there & by noon he is like a baby..need to nap liao
Click to expand...
why ur husband so weird....
 
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