When enough is enough.....


New Member
hi there
this is my first post here and when I embarked on my fertility journey 9 months ago I did not come emotionally prepared for how difficult, long and arduous this journey can get. I read about success stories about ladies whom are so lucky to get a positive on first few attempts or some whom even conceived mid 40s - i understand the need for hope / positivity for us to continue on this fight. Never have i imagined the trauma, disappointment and sadness that would consume me; naively i just think "well if others can get pregnant, sure lets give it 1-2 tries to get pregnant" Don't get me wrong, i am not trying to discourage anyone here and i think sharing our experience and success stories gives that glimmer of hope / positivity especially on those really bad days where you want to continue fighting but am just so tired....

for context, i am turning 40 this month, i had been pregnant 4 times before, but chose abortion as i was not ready/single back then. sometimes i think to myself that this is my punishment for not having cherished what god gave me and am paying the price now. Ive been diagnosed with low ovarian reserve as well so when i read posts about ladies retrieving 10+ eggs i just feel dejected as im getting average of 2. My decline was sudden and within a couple of months (in between cycles) so that came as a big shock and was a grieving period for me - i keep thinking back to why did i only embark on my journey this late in life, i only have myself to blame; i keep trying to tell myself to be grateful for other things i have in life; i hear stories of ladies whom are in much more complicated situations than me and i cant imagine if i were in their shoes..... however the punches just dont stop coming and at 40 where the success rate is at a staggering 30% - which is a 70% failure rate. i am starting to ask myself just exactly / or how do you know when is enough? when you google IVF, you don't see articles on aftermath or how to cope with failure but rather 90% success stories;

I came into IVF full of hope - thinking if i try hard enough, things will work out. I am however getting to the point that unlike what you've been taught in life, its not how hard you work at something that you achieve it - getting pregnant is out of your control and not some test where if you study hard enough you can pass this. I know some ladies here have been on your fertility journey for many years and finally got rewarded. However i feel times not on my side, most ladies i see at my clinic are mid 30s, i feel so disheartened and not knowing what to do next. i just kept thinking after each failure, the next cycle, the next cycle... but now i almost have to ask .. when is it enough?

can anyone share stories where you were this 70% where im sorry things didnt work out - how did you cope? how were you able to come to acceptance and did egg/sperm donorship cross your mind?

i apologise if this is a very negative post and not trying to ruin the positive vibes here.. but am feeling so down and wondering if i am alone in feeling this way..... and whilst i see so much encouragement going on... what is IVF just isnt the silver bullet? can anyone share support/coping plan / strategies? i had put my life on hold for IVF and my other relationships / mental health have all taken back stage and i know this is jus not sustainable long term....

Hi there! I don't think u are alone feeling down. Many of us are disappointed after months and months of trying (Me included ).

I'm not sure if you agree with me on this point but I don't think that our lives are just about having children. We need to get ourselves out of this endless spiral cos I believed having children or not is a destiny and u shouldn't stress urself anymore.

I have also seen many unfillial children treating parents badly, abandoning them. Maybe it's God's will to prevent u from having this issue in the future?

There are many things in life that we can focus on e.g. ourselves, mental wellbeing and treat people around us who are alive well. Ultimately, we are the ones living now and shldnt destroy relationships for the unborn (or will nv b born).
If you really like kids, probably can do some volunteer work at the shelter or something? There are many disadvantage kids who need help.

Hi there
Thanks for your reply - it’s encouraging to know I am not alone and there are bad days we all go through. You raise a good point that maybe this is part of a bigger plan and one can only understand why later in life,

I see my brother whom have 4 kids lean so heavily on my mother - and this isn’t helping my situation as I witness someone not paying as much attention to his kids…

funny thing is I’m not a kids person -m Not the sort to see someone’s baby and go awww how cute but i think it’s more of as one gets older- you start thinking about your legacy and what you want to leave behind I guess

I agree with you that life is more about kids but when you get to your 40s and the conversation topic is more or less about your kids -the stress just adds up

If you don’t mind, may I ask about your situation - have you come to peace / acceptance?

Yeah, you are not alone in this.

I agree on the part that conversations around us are always about kids etc. Especially when my cousins, friends who are younger than me have kids or some friends get pregnant so easily (I'm in my mid 30s). Due to this, I think I am self conscious about it when people asked if i have kids, marry how long already, and comments like pregnancy will be higher risk cos I'm getting older etc. I feel that ppl might judge? But again, I tell myself the life is mine and it has nothing to do with others. I do enjoy things happily now with my hubby and cherish each other.

I'm also not a kids person too. But probably for the completeness of a family, I do hope to have 1 child. However, things are not within my control so I told myself that I need to move on and dun be too affected by not having kids. I believe that we may be facing more difficulties than others, but this will make us stronger.

I'm in the midst of finding other purpose in life! Haha.. I moved to the social service sector recently and hope to be able to help ppl and that's probably where I can leave a legacy! Cheers!
Totally empathise and salute you for your move to social service . Much admiration and hope you find that sense of purpose / contribution in there. I only got married at 35 - didn’t want to give up travelling / life pursuits and only started trying at 39 which in hindsight has left much regret but it is what it is.. am glad that you sound like you have found your acceptance and are able to take in your stride.. I think this is something I wish to get to as well or at least have a plan of action that doesn’t hinge solely on getting pregnant… or if we’re still trying at least take failures not so crushingly (am not sure if that’s possible given the amount of time and money invested)