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Sad 15 years SAHM undergoing marriage issues

Discussion in 'Year 2019 Mums' started by LCT78, Mar 13, 2019.

  1. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Hi, new to this forum. After reading some of the above issues, felt there is a need for me to express out my feelings cause there's no one whom I can talk to.

    Am married for almost 15 years, had 2 lovely gals age 14 and 11. Caring, fun and Loving Husband whom I had known for almost 22 years suddenly out of the blue said that this is not the life he wants. He wants to get his own life back and wants to back out from this family. He said he will still continue to support our life.

    At first. thought that he had this thought due to work stress but he said he had been thinking it for a long time which I don't noe but had noticed a big change in his character quite some times back. He remains as a good father and hubby but not close like we used to be. No more intimacy moments, holding hands, telling me "I Love You", etc. Thinking maybe all couples after 10yrs+ of marriage will feel this way too until recently he finally said he prefers single life lifestyle. What is this rubbish. If you prefer single lifestyle then don't get married in the first place and tell me this kind of shit until 20+ plus years later (including our dating period 7 yrs). There's no 3rd party involved and I wonder what really is going on his mind.

    We don't quarrel over big issues. Everytimes he comes home, make sure he got food and feel comfortable at home which I keep it clean without asking him to do any housework. Don't disturb him when he's at work or bringing stuff back home. Don't nag at him when he's busy with work, handphone, tv or with friends. Let him hangs out with friends without further asking. I give him enough FREEDOM. No money issues and yet he don't cherish this kind of family.

    Any advice on it. Currently looking for marriage counsellor, any recommendations preferably near west side.

    Any SAHM who is staying at BT Panjang area who also had the same issue problem, can pm me. Need someone to talk to.
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2019

  2. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    Sounds like he is bored....

    It's gd dat u r considering marriage counselling. Hope everything will work out well 4 u.
  3. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Bored? Everyone’s life routine are the same. If he think he is bored, can he just give up a marriage and a family as and when he like? It’s unfair to Wife and kids who had to suffer because of his decision. Me too hope that he’ll really make his decision wise and not end up regretting for giving up on family. Thanks for encouragement.
  4. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    Dont take it too negatively...

    I am sure at times u wld also wish 2 do something else other den looking after kids, cooking 4 hubby, or cleaning the house, etc...

    4 ladies, sometimes we watch Korean drama wif all d handsome oppas n "dream"...

    Is it possible 4 u 2 take a trip wif him without kids? Or mayb couple staycation? Do something dat is out of d norm once in a while...
  5. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Yup…sometimes really think of going out to work but had been a SAHM for almost 15 years and scared of doing it.….
    Yup.... sometimes really wish to get out of house and find a job instead of being a housewife. But being a housewife for almost 15years, the thoughts of working just dread me and thinking of my little gal coming back home after school with nobody around also worries me.

    Sorry I'm not a fan of Korean dramas.

    At this moment I not sure what is he thinking. We didn't consider trip cause I think he somehow had make up his mind to be single again. Cause we had talk once and he agree to stay for the sake of our children. After a few days, he seem troubled again and I knew he's facing the same problem again. Actually I had thought b4 just let him go cause what's the point of staying together just for the sake of children while there's no more sparks from him to me (cause I still Love him like I used to). When I think of my 2 kids becoming single parent environment also worries me so we had consider counselling and I found one via online and now waiting for my husband reply.

    I so glad I had someone to 'talk" to and that's u.

    BTW, r u married and have a happy family? Give me some of ur tips on how u make ur marriage works.

  6. Jennnnn

    Jennnnn Member

    Sorry I can’t fully understand how you feel. But I’m from a family where my parents stay together for the sake of us but definitely not on good terms but now separated (now they’re 50+ and I’m 25) .

    Staying together for the sake will end up having tons of quarrel. And as a kid when I’m young, I always wonder why they always quarrel and end up I’ll get scolded cause my parents will be in bad mood .

    From my personal thought from young, if my Mother stay so strong for us why can’t I be strong just for her. That’s where I learn to be even more independent and support my Mother together with my sisters(2 of them) financially and emotionally . It’s not an easy road. But the thought of at least my mum do everything just for me is good enough. (Fyi, my dad he’s ok but have him anot doesn’t make a difference but I still respect him). So Long the family bond within your child and you is there, don’t have to be scared. But I never once feel upset that my family is not “perfect”. So be strong .

    It hurts, when a man just decide to say this is not the life he want. So selfish :( is like he’s such a coward and suddenly he just wanna drop everything just to make himself feel better. But again it’s hard to say maybe he’s going through something mentally stressed or what.

    No matter what jiayou!
  7. Jennnnn

    Jennnnn Member

    I Guess there’s there’s no secret recipe for happy marriage or happy family. There’s always up and down, all I know so Long there’s heart and care, no matter how bad it is everyone will stay together as one. Just like when siblings quarrel like mad but next day behave as if nothing happen. Because we love and care about one another to the extend, we’ll have a bigger heart to forgive and move on together as one.

    Pls do not think that you’ve fail in marriage or love or whatever. If your Husband has decided to shut his mind to solve this big setback together with you... then I Guess you can still give it a try. But it’ll be hard because at the end it takes two hand to clap.

    Your daughter 14 and 11 ☺️ Is old enough to Take care of themselves, it’s hard but they can learn to be more independent ( I’m always alone with my siblings since young so we learn to understand my Mother is busy at work to earn money) Maybe you can share with them how’s working outside Gona be etc. You’ll become their example of how to be independent and strong
  8. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Hi Jennnnn
  9. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    It’s sad when children don’t grow up in a happy and loving family environment. I understand that u must b a strong and sensible gal from growing up in this kind of family. Did u ever ask ur parents what's the problem and did they try to improve on their relationship?

    Often wonder if one day if things really get bad and they grow up in single parent environment, will they feel happy and secured? Will they wonder why a happy family they used to have become like this? When they see other kids got father and mother accompany them how will they feel? Do u used to envy ur friends when u see them getting along so well? It's sad that nowadays too many broken families happen and cause pain to innocent children.

    Now u are 25, r u in a relationship? Do u have marriage thoughts in the future after seeing ur parents situation?
  10. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    I am married, been married 4.... 19 yrs...

    4 d past 10 yrs n more... there were just 2 of us... of cos we have our ups n downs but we made it a point 2 talk things out n not let it simmer overnight. I m someone who wants 2 settle things rather than let it b swept under d carpet. Oh... n sometimes i try 2 b unreasonable... or sexy... I feel dat if we dont argue once in a while... it seems like we have grown tired of each other... N sometimes i try 2 get intimate wif him. While it has been ez in d past, it has grown a little more difficult since we have a kid.

    We do have htht whenever we r out in a cafe... sometimes over after dinner coffee at home... just talk about his business... how is it doing... my job... n nowadays wat kind of parenting do we wanna adopt 4 our DD... I still kiss him goodbye when I leave d home or vice versa... d same when we go 2 bed... N sometimes when he forgets, I will comment "nowadays... wife no need love liao huh" n he will reply... "u cannot come kiss me instead meh"...

    Do u think u can change yourself? I mean, go out wif friends n leave him 2 babysit your children?
  11. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    After years of being SAHM, I had lesser friends and grown more introverted. Keep everythings to myself and not expressing my words out. That's y mayb he think I don"t appreciate him for whatever he had done. Over the years. I admit I used to throw tantrum over small things and we won't talk to each other for days and I always taked for granted he will give in to me everytime which is wrong. Mayb it's too frequent that now he had enough of this stuff, that's y he chose to become single again.

    Of course I would like to change myself but found it difficult. Cannot expect a person to change overnite rite. He told me I can go out with friends instead of staying at home but I choose not to. I rather stay at home cause I would rather go out with him than friends (not much friends). Guess to me, he's my everything.

    We don't do such kissy things anymore which I used to take for granted. Guess I'm the main reason y this marriage and family is falling apart. Do u think marriage counselling helps?
  12. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    Again, I would ask dat u dont b too disheartened....

    A relationship requires work... if both of u r determined to make it work... marriage counselling will help... n it's really gd that u recognized dat there is a prob, not just wif him... but u as well... dat is impt...

    Try 2 change... do u know dat when we say "he is my everything" it can b a burdened on him as well... cos when we do dat.. we tend 2 lose ourselves too... u know wat i mean?

    While DH has always been d one cooking as he has a flexi schedule, once in a while I will walk into d kitchen n give him a hug n kiss, tell him dat i love him n thank him 4 making us dinner... To me, yes he cooks when he can or pack dinner when he cant, but doesnt mean i shld take it 4 granted.

    Make new friends, dont live in a world that is only surrounded by him or your kids. Even SAHM deserves to have a life of their own.
  13. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    True....I am willing to change if he decided he still want this marriage. No point changing if he don't want. Thinking of working when my younger had completed PSLE which is next year and I wonder whether I can survive this period. Really in a despair.....sad......moody situation.
  14. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    If I may b upfront wif u... change not cos he wants u to.... change cos u wanna b a better wife, better mother, n better friend.

    Even if he wants out fr this marriage, u should change. It's not d end 4 u even if he chooses 2 let go of this marriage.

    Take a step at a time... do something 4 yourself today... mayb... get a new look by getting a hair cut or color? Or since it's Friday tomorrow, try 2 get your parents 2 babysit your kids n u date your DH?
    Jo777 likes this.
  15. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Not trying to b rude.....where got mood to change and for who? Last 15 years as SAHM, had grown old and haggard. That's y mayb husband find wife not attractive liao. He had arranged to eat out together as a family which I not sure whether is he trying to make it up to the kids since he is leaving this family or is he trying to make out times for us because he is very busy with work.

    How to let go of a person u had know for 22 years so easily......who had been caring, loving and accept the way I'm. To think of it really make me so sad...…………...crying like hell man
  16. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    U r not being rude... but u cant c clearly now...

    U r taking d stand that u have no mood 2 change cos u think there is no one who wld appreciate d change. But remember what I mentioned earlier... d change is u for yourself n not anyone else. Of cos if u think dat he is no longer there 4 u, n hence there is no need 4 u 2 change, it's okie...

    Well... since u r curious to know y he has arranged 4 dinner, y dont u ask him? N u can also further suggest going 2 a movie. I m sure there is a movie dat will suit d family?

    Little steps...
  17. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    I know I need to change myself juz for the sake of myself when it is time to do so...…

    Recently just went for a movie whereby the whole 2-3 hrs, he only talk abit to me and kids a bit more.....
    what for went out as a family but no communication throughout...…

    Is it good for us to separate for a while? not sure whether will it improve our marriage or make it worse....

    stay together already less communication, if not staying together liao… how to communicate

    some research says that separation can bring back a marriage...…. I wonder how
  18. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    Away fr one another, so we can c ourselves "clearer"

    DH travels 4 work... so we take dat as time away... he will also take additional days 2 "tour" d places he is traveling. Just recently he was on biz trip 2 India. Den he told me he wanted 2 join a course of photography there in India. I encouraged him 2 do it.

    His time away gives me bonding time wif my DD, make me realized how much attention is required for our DD. D role sort of change where he is working n I have 2 take care of DD while he is away... it's through such times where I realized he accomplished a lot while I can only accomplished most of what he does wif d help of my mom n helper.

    Remember... communication is 2 way... u mentioned he only talk abit to you.... do u remember what is d topic? Could you talk about something else other than your kids?
  19. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Ur DH travels a lot and both of u are still happily together...…. which a lot of people will envy
    No worries, u will slowly get ur hand on looking after ur DD when time goes by...…...even without the help of other people...…
    Mother roles will always b there whether u'r alone or not...………..

    When my DH said what he want to do, I also support him, (study, on diet, opening tution centre with friends, etc). I didn't nag or complain anything..... just let him do whatever he wants...…. not enough meh

    He's blocking himself out..... how to communicate...….. ask 1 question..... reply only a few words

    Difficult to start a conversation when there's nothing to say leh…………. ask abt work ……… (he said I don't noe or reply in a few words) …….so what else to talk (children's stuff lor)……….. if not where got things to say

    R u a SAHM, cause u'r the only one givin advice in this forum.
  20. PCLC

    PCLC Member

    Marriage counselling is a good idea. Sounds like a knee-jerk reaction to a mid-life crisis.

    Can you ask him what exactly he means by saying that single life is better? It's a throwaway line that's very unclear.
    Is he saying that he no longer loves you, and want to date other people? That's not the same as single life is better. That's just asking to end the marriage. then the question is, why did the marriage break down?
    Or is he saying that he doesn't want any relationship at all?
    Or is he saying that he regrets having children?
  21. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Did ask him but he said he also not sure what he want. He think he got bipolar...…

    Ask him the above questions, he said is his change of mindset...……???

    Does man really had this kind of thinking after 15 years of marriage life...….. think and think...…………. found out that this is not the life he wants...………….

    BTY, any marriage counsellor, cheap to recommend?
  22. tiggerpooh

    tiggerpooh Active Member

    Wahaha... no I m a wking mom... on MC ...

    Btw, I dont always agree wif things he do... we had a big argument when he left his job a few yrs back. D point was not him tendering but me not being d first 2 know he had thrown his letter. We talked about it, while I disagreed dat he shld since we have a kid now, he just went ahead n did it. N worst thing was he shared it wif a friend of ours 1st. So i made a big deal out of it. :p

    I dont nag, but I "feedback" once in a while... about him not putting d toilet seat down, about him not checking his pockets when he put his pants into d laundry... more...

    DH now has his own biz... every once in a while, I will ask him how it's doing... I told him upfront I may not know what he is talking about, but I wld still like him 2 share wif me... N he does... Isnt dat wat being a couple is all about? Sharing?
  23. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Hi.....hope u'r fine now...….

    Human beings will definitely think differently from one another so of course we will fight over some issues which we don't agree on....of course as wife, definitely we want them to inform us 1st b4 making any decision,...….is it because there'r some issue which he prefer to discuss with friends rather than u in case u'r not happy to hear it...…..anyway glad that u managed to sort it out

    that's communication even though we don't noe even a thing but at least we know what's goin on...… it's good to have communication rather than nothing to talk rite...…

    Guess that some habits are not easily to change so u had to turn one eye blind...…..lol

    Can I just assume that u'r only in mid thirties? Me going to 40+...….. wasted my 22 years on a guy who don't commited marriage to the end.....
  24. blur_blur_gal

    blur_blur_gal Member

    Are you sure he is not seeing anyone now and might use want to be single again as excuse?
    Maybe you can try looking for part time job to build up your savings should he really want a divorce in the end. I know after being sahm for 15 years it’s not easy to find a job but it can be done as my colleague she also stop working for 14 years and her kids are around same age as yours who managed to stArt the role as a contractor then got converted to perm
  25. PCLC

    PCLC Member

    Sorry dear, I can't help you with recommendations.

    However, I hope counselling will help you both. It sounds like he is just lashing out and to be honest, it's not clear what he wants when he says "single life" (my job requires me to splice words very logically). He is basically saying "I want out!" without saying what about the now he doesn't like, or what he actually wants. He's acting like a baby throwing a tantrum now.

    I wish you all the strength to work through this, whether saving your marriage or starting your life anew. :)
  26. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Hi, that's y we are really hoping the counselling will help us to work on the issues. Thanks for the encouragement.
  27. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Yup..... he's not seeing someone else..... if so he will just need to bring the D word out instead of going thru all these.

    Well, it's glad to know that ur colleague managed to pick herself up and get a good job but I have no higher qualifications so it'll b quite difficult to get a good pay job.....

    We'll c how it turns out after attending the counselling …… just hpe that everything will goes well....

    Thanks for the encouragement
  28. Jennnnn

    Jennnnn Member

    I don’t ask my parents what happen, cause me and my Sister always think we don’t wish to further stress our mum. Or give her more problem . My mum a period of time is so grumpy like literally as a kid I’ve no idea what is wrong with her. But as I grew up I kinda suspect maybe that point of time she’s having depression without herself knowing it, but still I don’t ask her. When I’m young I just respect whatever my parents decision, as a child I just know they’re my parents I must support them.

    Nope, I think my parents are quite stubborn so slowly everything just turn sour and bad . Especially when it’s more about financial issue.

    Honestly speaking from young I don’t get a lot of “fatherly love” so I don’t understand the feeling of “Father will always dote daughters and etc”. So I don’t feel any big changes in my family, I don’t really know the “happy family” feeling. I’ll be curious ofcos when I’m young, I see my friends parents so lovely. I find it weird , I’ll be like good for them to have a “happy family” but I’m cool with my own family situation cause I know I’ve my mum who do all her best for me and my Sister. Sometimes I wonder too why so many ppl no issue only my family got issue but that’s just a lame nagging thoughts about life when I’m sad after that I get over it.

    Yes, I’m married and Preganant currently. Confirm there’ll be some side effect from what happen to my parents. I just know clearly I must not find someone like my father. I will be clear with what I want and what I don’t want. What I can do to prevent same problem from happen. (But some time I can be too independent that guys dont like it)

    Not to mention, I’m Super protective over my Mother I cannot and wouldn’t allow anything to hurt her. Me and my sibling never once question or blame her for my family situation cause we know deep down she’s the one who’s more hurt and sad then us.

    It’ll be great if you and your Husband can be back together again like how it used to be. But no matter what communicate with your kids. They may not understand now, but one day when they’re slightly older they will understand.

    It’s not easy but you don’t think too much cause at the end how the react and what will happen it’s unpredictable. Just communicate with them no matter in any point of time where things turn sour or etc. Cause only through communication you can build the bond with them.
  29. Jennnnn

    Jennnnn Member

    But I think most importantly is what your Husband really want. What kind of life is he looking for? Isit he need some one to share his financially problems or he himself is feeling lost with his life. Work > home > work > home. Or he just want to be a happy single guy that only need to care about himself and feed his own wants and needs. The problem lies with him, if he don’t clearly share what he want then nobody can help him. Even if you let him be single again, one day he’ll be lost also.

    Not to mention when he’s old one day and single + alone , I’m not sure how your Daughter will think in the future. But when your Daughter is growing up, he just leave and give maybe financially support only. One day when he’s old and need help, just don’t expect your kids to 100% be there for him. (Idk you get what I mean).

    Maybe they’ll be good to financially support him back but to get mentally support when he’s old, it’s a 50-50 chance lor.
  30. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Hi Jennnnn, thanks for sharing ur stories. It's sad to have no fatherly/motherly love when the child is growing up and in a 'happy' environment. That's what I don't wish this things could happen to my me and my kids.

    Most of the times he was at work and kids seldom c him, now even on weekends too (busy doing projects, staying overnight at friend's hse, come bk at nite on sun). Guess I think it would b no difference if we will still b together or not. Used to comment to him that although he's at home, we treat him like he's not at home because he'll b always busy with work or phone. Guess this is one point he felt that he think we can survive without him around in the house. But I didn't mean anything, just a causal remarks for him to talk or care about us.

    Well did talk to him we'r not young anymore and kids are growing fast. When we get old, it's just only the 2 of us and we will have each other to look out for...….. he just cannot think of the future..... guess he's is in a dilemma situation too

    Really don't noe what's goin on his mind...… true, if one day when he's old, don't expect anyone to take care of him...… well, unless he managed to get another companion.....

    Well, glad that u don't have any phobia issue with marriage life.....but well, just an advice from me..... never trust guy, u never really knows what they think and what they want...… usually take things/person for granted.....
  31. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    BTW, how's ur mum coping now? feeling more relaxed and carefree now after all the miserable things she had been going thru.....she is a strong woman and thankfully she got 3 sensible gals by her side....
  32. Yf_45

    Yf_45 New Member

    “Staying overnight at friend’s hse” — do you know this friend?
  33. mrs_lim2016

    mrs_lim2016 New Member

    My parents marriage has been rocky since I’m 7 years old. Mum tolerated Dad’s affair for us to grow up in a stable environment.

    Dad financially supported us and still showed us some care on and off e.g. advice us when we go to him for advice or bring us swimming/cycling.

    I have a better r/s with dad as compared to my younger sister. I guess because she don’t have much good memories of him being a good husband/father also.

    Anyway I’m 30 years old now, married for 2.5 years. Parents are now separated. Sister also in her late 20s but not married yet. Both of us are degree holders, with a proper job and financially stable.

    Character wise, I seem very outgoing and confident but I’m very insecure in romantic r/s. I don’t trust my boyfriends easily and everything they say, I take with a pinch of salt then try and find inconsistencies and see if they are lying.

    My sister is the same, but she is more introverted, quiet and not many friends.

    Till I met my husband, he was the only one who I cannot find any inconsistencies. I know exactly where he is, doing what, with who. I never asked him, he just volunteers the info from day 1. Anytime I call him, he will pick up, never MIA even if we fight. He is very stable and boring.

    Actually with my family like that, people would expect I would have a phobia of marriage. But all my life I want to get married, give birth to a few kids and let them have the happy childhood I never got.

    If you ask me should my mum divorce my dad back then? I would say now that I’m married myself, I understand why she didn’t. Partly for financial, partly cos she prob cannot let go.

    Do I blame her? I guess she remaining in an unhappy marriage contributed to how insecure I am in r/s. Although I know the guy is lying to me or not right for me, I still tolerated their nonsense. I’m not ugly and people would tell me I can find a better guy, but I didn’t believe I could. Till I met my husband and he treated me right, then I realised how much I’m worth.

    But had my mum divorced my dad, maybe I won’t be as financially stable or wouldn’t have gotten my degree so smoothly.

    So in life we cannot have everything. Whichever decision you make, I’m sure your kids will turn out fine, like me and my sister. We are not perfect people, but we are reasonably ok. Cos nobody’s family is perfect also, if too perfect family, how will the kids learn to be resilient?

    They may not understand you now, but they will as they mature.
  34. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Nope..... he said a group of people doing project (all uncles and auntie), had to believe rite..... cannot doubt his words everytime if not there will b no trust in between us...
    Like what I said earlier, it's sad for kids to grow up in a family with no love, respect, commitment..... Holding on to a 'betrayed' marriage makes life even worse and I glad ur mum managed to stay on for u and ur sis's sake..... but is she happy during this period.....

    Did she ever done anything to settle the problem or just take it and continue to let ur father do whatever he wants ( the affair)

    Ur mum is a SAHM or is she working so she can have her mind on other things instead of the problem with ur dad?

    Do they still communicate, commit and respect each other (after knowing the affair)

    Most couples stay together mainly for kids and I hope my case not mainly for kids but for our own marriage cause at the end, we are the ones who had to make the decision whether to hold onto it or not...….. I will definitely try whatever to solve it and hope he do..... after all 22 years together is not easy...….

    Well my HD when dating, always respond to my calls, do things to make me happy,....etc is also a stable, caring, loving person....
    Well just to advise u, people do CHANGE over the years and u don't even knows it even through u c him everyday BUT u will notice the change in him and that's the starting of the problems...………...

    Now even at this young age, my gals (14 and 11), had asked them not to go into relationship easily and not to believe guy easily cause whatever they said now is just 'play play' one...….wait until they older...…..
  35. Jennnnn

    Jennnnn Member

    Actually from last time till now I will never rely on guys/man. Cause I always think they will turn their back one day, so I must be a strong person . Confirm will still have some side effect honestly. But please stay strong cause no matter what your kids need you.

    Now my mum can say she’s quite happy haha. Now we will always spend time to eat with her so Long she’s free. We don’t let her pay for anything etc. Just want to let her be happy and don’t feel lonely. Used to be having hard life cause mainly because of money. But now we’re all big and doing well :) life is easier.
  36. Jennnnn

    Jennnnn Member

    Plus my mum she’s not a SAHM but she’s having problem finding a suitable job. Because of her backbone or knee etc, and debts are rolling like a snow ball. We don’t force her to do anything so Long she’s comfortable, which I’m glad if not we dk what will happen to her. Scarly she wanna kill herself etc.

    For kids when comes to studies, can always apply bursary and meals token etc. Can get help one so don’t scared. Medical wise got Chas card, Super useful.

    Although I’m quite young but if you need any help to aid your kids and yourself regarding money, feel free to pm me personally I can share with you what I did before. I learn all this by myself
  37. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Surely got some side effects after seeing how ur dad treat ur mum..... at least u all 'survived'...……

    You'r indeed a sensible and strong woman and may u remain so...…….
  38. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Hope everything has gone well for ur mum...….we woman definitely must b strong and show the guy we can do it even without them in our life...……...if not they think they are so important...….

    Thanks for ur advice.....
  39. Jennnnn

    Jennnnn Member


    Just give all ways a try, leave no regrets. Once you’ve made a decision then make sure you move forward ❤️. Stay strong for yourself and your lovely kids.
  40. Yf_45

    Yf_45 New Member

    We can trust but never trust blindly. The reason why I asked you whether u know your husband’s friend/s is to see how much you understand your husband and sorry to say.. how easily he can hide things from you.

    Your husband sounds so unsure why he wanted to leave the marriage... how can that be? Divorce is a major decision... you mentioned he wouldn’t have agreed to counselling if there’s a third party but that may only be because divorce is really a big decision and he is indecisive whether to continue the marriage (status quo) or listen to a woman outside who wanted him to make this decision (purely my assumption though).

    Above is purely my assumption. But one thing for sure, there are many things your hubby didn’t honestly share with u.

    Btw, I know of a friend who trusted her hubby whole-heartedly. Her hubby often sleep over at “friend’s” place or workplace, claiming he is overwhelmed with work commitment. Her hubby finally admitted having an affair outside and they had a divorce.
  41. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    True...guess it's time to slowly move forward to the good things.....
  42. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Is not that how easily he can hide things from me but I really chose to believe that's there is no 3rd party involved...…if I kept suspecting things then my life will be even more difficult rite....

    He didn't mention the D word but somehow insist we separate for a while to c how things go...…. well guess this is the best way for both of us to think thoroughly what we want instead of D straight away...…. guess he needs some counselling advice on his decision and what's going on his mind...….that's good at least he don't keep everything to himself that make him in a difficult situation.....

    He's just not certain of the decision he's going to make....
  43. mrs_lim2016

    mrs_lim2016 New Member

    My mum is a working mum, she never stopped working other than maternity leave.

    Naturally my mum was unhappy throughout. But there were times we went on family holidays, parents got along and my mum would get my dad’s advice on her work issues etc

    I know people change, so I never trust people 100%. But whatever happens, I believe my upbringing will carry me through whatever problems in life.
  44. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    That's y mother's love is the greatest thing in the world...………………...no matter what we still have kids by our side to make ur laugh and company...…...
  45. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Having a conversation with a guy whose mindset is set (prepare to b single again) is difficult...… don't know how to start and continue with it

    Sometimes felt like not talking anymore and ignore him...… he's definitely keen to meet with the counsellor to confirm on his made up mind and which makes me feel that it's a waste of time to go counselling...……….. should I give up?

    Wondering does counselling really helps? He intends to bring the kids out (due to his responsibility) and didn't mention to bring 'wife" out which makes me even more disappointed...… should I go out with them cause his main concern is kids and not me..... no point going out with his mindset set

    Over past few days been wondering should I let him go since his mindset is determined... it has been on my mind and seriously affecting my moods and lifestyles...…. had to stay strong in front of kids makes it even harder...….
  46. Ital

    Ital Member

    Hi LCT78
    I have read thru your stories and i really feel for u.
    Ur a great wife .u have managed the house well and take good care of ur family .
    In this case,if ur hb suddenly wants to goes back to single life again,perhaps u might want to let him "try for 6mths " without u and the kids..a short separation might let him reflect and realised what goes wrong...

    If financial is not a prob for u to take care of the 2 kids urself,i think you should be strong and move on alone with the kids.
    I m a sahm for 4 years .married for 12 years.

    To be frank,at times i also will want to "离家出走"and hack care everything and go back to single life whereby i can go out with friends or acheive my dreams anytime cause i m simply too tired to take care of the house.
    I often called myself the operation pillar for my house and i cant afford to fall sick.so if i fall sick,no one can help me! I have no helper.i cooked every day,clean my house and make sure hb n children come home has hot food on the table.i m the first to wake up,i m the last to get shower! It really sucks!
    But when i cool down,i will still want such life even though i hate it! 犯监right? So perhaps this is a transcent period for ur hb.
    U might want to separate a while to let him reflect and think back.
    He is in this family for 22 years and i m sure
    he will not let go and enjoy himself so easily
    Even though he will not think of u,dun tell me he also will not want the kids meh???
    To me a marriage counceller will not really help much one de.so dun waste money on this! It all take both hands to clap.u go see one,they tell u what to do,ur hb bo chap,also.will not work.so why waste money??

    For you ,pls move on and 加油。be a strong woman.to be frank,再好的男人都不能靠的,为有靠自己才有用。so u might want to find a part time job and know more.friends and revamp your wardrobe and dress up a bit to regain back your confidence level..cheers.
  47. LCT78

    LCT78 New Member

    Similar scenario..... all we do is for family and never think of ourselves...….y husband/wife nowadays only think of themselves and never ever thought of the consequences of what they did...……simply want to get in and get out as and when they like...…

    But u managed to stay on rite, but did u ever consider u not leaving is because u still love ur husband and vice versa and committed to make ur marriage works or staying on is for the kids..... further down the road u will have the same thoughts as my husband whether to continue for the sake of kids (which is not good for spouses as they stay together mainly for kids) or to move on with ur life (as u have this thoughts sometimes while I didn't even think of it)

    Indeed having this thoughts of letting him be alone rather staying together makes him unhappy but felt sad when someone u noe of 22 years leaving u …. but knew I have to let it go somehow...… we'll c how after counselling

    Financial should not b a problem cause he said will still continue to support us and he said this is his RESPONSIBILTIES ……..

    He thinks that $$ can solve problems easily as long as he still provide for us..... how abt the kids and my feelings.... SELFISH CHAP which makes me angry just thinking of it …… don't even feel like to talk or do things with him (accompany kids out just to make himself better for the decision he's going to make) but had to in case there's a chance for us to reconcile (which I think will be quite difficult cause seeing him so determined to get out)

    Hoping to find a job soon (which dreed me but knew had to) in order to stay strong for myself and kids AND to prove without him we can go on with our lifes...
  48. bohgie

    bohgie Member

    can find some course 2 of u can attending togather. Like baking class.
  49. ALT

    ALT New Member

    i see u posted in march, how are things goin now, did the counselling help
  50. werrywert

    werrywert Active Member

    Sorry but I beg to defer .. guys and girls don’t think the same.. if u let him go .. it’s as gd as ending the marriage .. no such things as turning back.. 6 Mths ? What’s 6 Mths to so many years together .. anything can happen within these few months.. man can easily find new gf new loves move on and start a new family again.. or would you accept it if he comes back n tell u he had sexual relationship with xxx and tired of singlehood and wants u and the family back ..

    If the relationship has come to such.. I wld believe even though there’s no obvious third party but there’s always a desire that causes him to say he wants to be single again.. so that he does not have to answer u if he ever do anything behind ur back officially

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