problems with a younger husband

[Bow Raine]

Sorry for posting...I'm going to go crazy and need some listening ear... I wrote in Chinese cos it allows me to express my full frustration.

你看到我突然觉得我对生意“很有效率”？
其实你已经逼我逼到尽头
我满脑袋只想要快快独立 快快离开一个不再尊重我的人 快快解脱一个在我还在怀着他的骨肉时/生产时/接孩子出院时 的人还跟我大声喊！和他的家人住在一起 他也喊我！闹自杀！完全不顾大局 不顾我的感受我的面子 只顾自己的不爽 只顾自己要发泄！我嫁给了小孩子吗？因为我讲他的缺点、对他的不敏感会生气 ～ 他就不行 一点都没耐心 他说很爱我 是吗？他觉得爱他就不能讲他 因为他觉得我的缺点一大堆他都没讲我；但他会这样觉得这样爆炸 还不就是嫌弃我了吗？他很怕自己付出很多却得不到回报 他的爱是有限的 it's not unconditional.
孩子出生前六个月，他当孩子是我一个人的 喂奶、哄孩子：他说 反正他也没奶？？我去冲凉 孩子哭 他怪我 去冲那么久 说什么“我又没有胸部啊！” 这是尊重老婆的男人吗？？

一个男人没办法爱和呵护自己的选择 甚至把事业放的比另一半还重要
那我为什么要把你放得在第一位？
我应该把我的经济独立放在第一位，把我的事业放在第一位
不好意思，我让你误解了-你以为我是你想象得跟你一样：一定是把这份事业放在第一位；以为我不会抱怨；以为我会无条件给你性（你当我是妓女吗？？）
你犯的错 你以为你说对不起就算了
如果你让我又气 我再回想到那些痛心的回忆 你却说我嫌我小气翻旧账？？有些错 是需要一辈子去弥补！不然一切的对不起都是假的！
以前在我坐月子的时候有无数次我要自杀～ 你也一起闹自杀！过后 我决定了 我会不再有这种笨这种愚蠢的想法 因为某人只会让我看到他会以十倍的幼稚来对付我 因为他根本不珍惜我。

 

[PositiveLi]

Sorry to read about this.

You need to sit with a professional counsellor to work things out.

This forum can only help so much. Suicide is illegal in Singapore.

 

[Bow Raine]

Thanks positiveLi but I'm no longer contemplating suicide anymore. Just planning out my divorce

 

[shoppixe]

You know there's a saying "Men grow older but never grow up"
Even if they were older sometimes they behave rather childish manner.
It's almost a given that wives 'mother' their husband to some extent.
But it needs to be regulated cannot be extreme will a husband cannot take care of your family.

 

[Bow Raine]

Sigh I heard so many times of this,but that's not what I expected of. Only when we were about to get married did the childishness surface out n I almost want to stop the wedding. My mil whom I'm close w tell me that 'he's like that la but he loves u alot'. But I'm confused - so loving me gives a person the bandwidth to continually not satisfy my emotional needs, throw tantrums at a whim? THEN say he loves me? I feel so empty so lost so alone....T.T Every other day we r quarreling

 

[richiemccaw]

I'm very sorry to hear about your problems.

 

[gladjo]

Hi Now Raine. ..sorry I can't read Chinese but gathering from the conversations, you have let emotions rule than your head rule ... sad to say you have married a mama-boy ...these are products of fourth generation Singaporeans that even a bruise is a big deal cos of the govt policy of "stop at 2" family.

You need to decided sadly cos yr next man may b another same by-product cos opposite attracts.

Suggest you go counselling b4 you hv little ones come along and it becomes so complicated n with mil in the picture. ..sigh

Take heart n be wise, u hv a future ahead n you are given a choice to make the best out of it.

God bless

 

[Bow Raine]

Thank u gladjo..yes indeed...he's e younger of 2, while I'm a middle child of 4 n i grew up learning to be sensitive through many many fights w my siblings n being sensitive to my parents who r working hard. He's so sheltered that he can't handle any upsets cos his parents never had any harsh words on them. We alr have a kid & that's when e problem worsen too...I was saying that he shouted at me multiple times when I was heavily pregnant & when we went to pick up our baby from e hospital after jaundice stay. I see husbands tolerate and console wives, I see mine living in his own world of selfishness...

 

[gladjo]

Hi Bow Raine, that's the prob of having a mama-boy as husband, they never grow up....unless they r willing to admit n allow changes in their behaviour n life style, otherwise it's really a tough road for you .....so constant counselling is needed...the counsellor hv to be not another mama-boy/girl or else defeats the purpose.

Stay strong gal.... it's a society error when govt steer & focus the society on academic achievements instead of holistic wholeness in family n relationship
God bless

 

[verluv]

Actually I dunno why you must tolerate with this man. When you say his love is not unconditional and he 怕付出，I think this man is crazy. So only he is afraid that he might get hurt? Then wat abt us? We have to love him unconditionally and we can get hurt? Nonsensical! Tell him the difference between a single man and a married man is that he will now need to love you, respect you. He say if you love him you can't say him, then if he loves u why is he shouting at you?
I think this is the most unbearable coz when you r having your confinement, he should show u the most concern and yet he can allow u to take care of the kid yourself?
Having a kid is a decision made by both and not only u. Yes he can't feed the baby but he can learn how to pacify the baby. You think we are born to know how to pacify the kid?

 

[Bow Raine]

Cos I dunno whether I can survive a divorce? And I know divorcing him I'll be the losing one cos he never thinks he's at fault only me n he will surely make me look bad.

Today his childishness got to my nerve so much that my mind n heart feels like they wanna explode already. Hes always living a virtual world where world is more impt and games are more impt than the real world. If he screws up he EXPECTS me to “包容” him like everyone else does. If I don't, he will throw a childish tantrum at me like what happened this morning: deliberately drive super aggressively along a normal neighborhood and then suddenly braking, and then stopping our car at the traffic light when it's GREEN and just walk out of e car!!! If it's me as a passenger of e car walking out its not so bad, he actually walk out n said a whole bunch of nonsense!! After that I cried n he apologize that he shdnt throw a tantrum. but he EXPECT again that just becos he apologize I shd again "包容” him and not say anymore - when I vocalize my upsets he went crazy again!!! Screaming at me and faulting me for being upset at him "CAUSING HIM" to throw a tantrum!!!

Should I divorce him?? I know he will not learn even if we divorce n will instead make me the bad woman in this marriage. I only hope he will turn for e better n be a mature grown up man.

Actually I dunno why you must tolerate with this man. When you say his love is not unconditional and he 怕付出，I think this man is crazy. So only he is afraid that he might get hurt? Then wat abt us? We have to love him unconditionally and we can get hurt? Nonsensical! Tell him the difference between a single man and a married man is that he will now need to love you, respect you. He say if you love him you can't say him, then if he loves u why is he shouting at you?
I think this is the most unbearable coz when you r having your confinement, he should show u the most concern and yet he can allow u to take care of the kid yourself?
Having a kid is a decision made by both and not only u. Yes he can't feed the baby but he can learn how to pacify the baby. You think we are born to know how to pacify the kid?

 

[gladjo]

Hi

Sorry your mama-boy is out of control but u must stay in control..U understand ?

U hv to prepare now the " what if" and "divorce " by making sure you have your hands on the House paperwork,bank statements etc.

There's really no quick fix cos his parents hv endorsed his behaviour n help encourage him. U really need to think properly yr future.
Share with you...my ex is also a mama-boy except he isn't so extreme. .. couple of times I was late with kids (back then age 4 & 5), cos home cell n released late, with two little ones in the car, he drove top speed home...I was so so scare n the kids cried but he couldn't care less n worst walked in front of us with Me struggling two frightened kids..! I endured. ..cos the kids were so.young.

Was it worth the endurance? No frankly ...cos he became more irresponsible n not cmg back plus not providing for us. Now I'm representing myself in his divorce writ to me... heartless right?

Think with your head not with your heart n decide ... I regret my decision n living it out. So dun let my life repeat on you.

 

[shoppixe]

Should I divorce him?? I know he will not learn even if we divorce n will instead make me the bad woman in this marriage. I only hope he will turn for e better n be a mature grown up man.

Once you are divorced, who cares who's the good or bad guy. Just make sure u r happy. That's all that matters.

 

[gladjo]

I know of a guy, my ex colleague, cheating on his currtent gf n have a few gf in Thailand yet his current gf is paying his bills even paying his hm n office n car ... a mama-boy ...whenever cm mth, play mind games to make his gf pay n also make his stupid Thailand gf pay including his clothing. Eat soft rice piece of crab n all thanks to his parents.

 

[Bow Raine]

Mine is paying for e finances of e housing & all except even tho I don't have income I'm paying for baby's stuff. And he always uses this on me to say that he's providing EVERYTHING yet I still nitpick on him. Technically he's not totally irresponsible in financial support, but irresponsible with his emotional blackmail & lack of support as a husband.

 

[whitesands]

sorry to hear that. Its remind me of my BIL. Similar case like yours, a childish husband and expecting for my sis to 包容 him on everything he's done. I think yours is already go to an extremely terrible uncontrolled actions.

I can share with you how my sis gone thru that period, same like you, they have a kid, she struggled a lot before divorce. But it's unbearable looking at her suffering with many different kinds of actions done by her husband everyday, I've actually encouraged her to walk out from her marriage. And she live happily now with her daughter.

Before talking about divorcing, keep yourself calm and try to ignore what he is doing everyday.
Get yourself a job, if possible.
We must stay independent, I believe after you start working and have your own life, you will get better and clearer on how you can make a decision for this.

Above is just my personal opinion, final decision is still on your hand.
Friend will be playing an important part when you’re facing personal problem like this, I will be more happy to chat with you more. PM me if you want.

Cheers