Obsessed with grandchildren

Lol. My mil wanted me to use my hubby's old food bowl for my LO when she started with solids. Errr.. 30+ yr old bowl, no matter how clean-looking, it is still plastic. I respectfully declined and told her to keep it as remembrance. We all know already bought my daughter her own set.
 


My kids' clothing, 85% bought by my mil, 10% my husband, 5% by my mum. When my daughter out growth the clothing, she went to pack 1 big bag of the clothing and keep it at her house. I didn't ask her why cos the clothes were bought by her. I know for sure her trophy's wife won't want any kids so maybe she wants to keep it for her great grandchildren :p. Old folks are like that always like to keep things that aren't useful to them.
 
My elder boy's clothes were initially 90% pass down clothes. As a new mum, i wanted to get some new clothes for him to wear during his full month. So i bought rompers that were on sale in the forum. When mil saw the new rompers, she sent her messenger to tell me not to buy expensive clothes as babies outgrow very fast. I should just buy $1 clothes. :confused: The cheapest clothes i know was 4 for $10. Where to buy $1 clothes?

Every time i let my boys wear the clothes she or her unmarried daughter bought for them, they started praising the boys' clothes 很美, 穿了很好看。Then asked the boys who bought such nice clothes. My hb would reply ah ma or aunt and asked my boy to thank them. If everything ended, i am fine. But after a while, the praising, who bought and thanking process started again and again.

If the boys wear clothes i bought or my mum bought, no matter how much nicer the clothes are, they would not even say a single word.

If all her grandchildren received this kind of treatment, i would say it is mil character. But only my son received this special treatment of being repeatedly reminded of how 伟大his grandma and unmarried aunt are.

When i was pregnant again, i knew i would not want my second child to experience it. I decided to put a stop to everything before he was born. Enough of their nonsense.

Now i am much happier. They stop brainwashing my boys. My boys can play with their cousins. At least they now know that the extended family has more members other than those 2 women.
 
From my husband's side, my kids doesn't have any close cousins (as in 堂) to play with. The nearest closest to my daughter's age is my husband's 表妹 who has only 1 kid, but only 1yr meet 1 time which is CNY. My mil's nephew have kids but older than mine also not close, maybe 1yr or maybe 2/3yrs meet 1 time. Whenever my husband's side has gathering is also c the senior citizens. My ilaw will insist us that we bring my kids there. Then my mil will show off saying what my kids can do, etc... to me the gathering is just for my kids to entertain the senior citizens. My kids aren't really enjoying themselves.
For my side, my cousin's have kids who are closed to my kid's age. When my daughter was young, I will bring her to my aunt's place to play with my cousin's kids n my mil will comment on y go there told her my daughter should learn to mix with pple within her group age. When she goes sch will be easier for her not to b scare. Then my mil keep quiet n hardly make any comments
 
Actually I find my pil a bit inconsiderate in their obsession. They always require us to fetch dd over to their place although they are retired and drive. They always use Aiya we miss baby so much ah!!! Then we have to bring dd over. Then ah make until I super shag cos come home still nd to do hse work leh. When we bought our place it was so we were nearer to pil (15mins drive). Sacrificing distance frm my own parents (1hr drive). Sometimes I really regret it... Between work and housework, I have hardly time to rest. But pil dun care. My parents wld come all the way to my place bring maid along to help out. Haiz.
 
Mil don't care about whether we have household chores done or not so long they get to see their grandchildren. Mine is the best, when I'm in the mid of changing maid n new maid has not come she went for 3 weeks holidays. Before she leaves, she tell my husband to get the extended relative who we 1yr see 1 time only to come over n take care of my kid.
At the end of the day, its my own parents who came to help out. Only our own parents can know how we feel.
 
Hi gals,

I still think some of u are much luckier than me. My frends call mine pils from hell...haha

My gal is 8 yo now. I moved in with my pils when she was 3 months old. I never tot that that decision would cause me to 'lose' my daughter.

These 8 years, i believe my daughter has slept no more than 30 nights with me. My pils would never let her out of their sight, Even when she request to bunk with me at times, fil would threaten her by saying that he wun love her anymore, wun buy gift for her, etc.

When shes sick, i cant look after her in my room. She has to be in their room. Be it sponging or feeding her medicine, Im always doing it wrong.

When i want to bring her out for one to one time, pils will always stop me, saying that she cant take public transport. When i said i will take a cab, they will say im not capable of handling her.

When i want to bring her out with my parents, pils will always find excuse to bring her out too and entice her with presents and gifts. In fact, she even told my parents that if they wan to see her, they must buy her presents.

I have no stand at all in this family. Hubby sides his parents. Pils would often override my decision in front of the kid, sometimes even insulting my integrity, etc.
 
@xiaokeai, is your daughter the only grandchild your pil has? Or ur pil doesn't have any daughter that's why is so obsessive with your girl?
Can't stand those old folks who are so full of themselves, want to control on every single things.
 
E first, but not e only..my 2nd is a boy. But totally diff treatment. Gal can buy exp toy, but boy can't. Fil will ferry her to n Fro sch, but boy has to take bus...

She has no daughter of her own. But she treats me like dirt. Lolz. Always insulting me, calling me names. Haizz..I'm so used to it. Just tat i dun like it when she does it in front of e kids.
 
He doesn't bother. As long as no one disturbs him, he just dun care n wanna stay in his comfort zone.

He didn't budge even When my fil shoved me against e wall n tried pushing me dwn e stairs. His only reply was tat i must hav angered his dad n tat it was normal for fils to treat dils like tat..hahaha..
 
Oh my.. How do you feel about it? Have you accepted that this treatment or do you feel like doing something about it?
 
Filing for divorce now. After these 8 years of trying n tolerating, I was ready to give up.

All I want to tell e other ladies out there is that there r many other worse pils than urs. If it's not detrimental to the kids development, sm times as dils, we just have to give n take.
 
Of course this is not e only issue we faced. But my pils frm hell was one of e main reason y e marriage broke up.

Yes, as dils, we might see eye to eye with them in every aspect. But, do spare a thought for ur other half as well. They r e very people who brought him up. Without them, would we have our own family now?
 
Xiaokeai,
I was in your shoes before but better as i don't stay with mil and no violence. My hb was like yours. He dun care as long as he is not disturbed.
Before i make my stand, she would sit around my boy with her unmarried daughter. She taught her how to take care of newborn as if that was her unmarried daughter's child. If i attempted to go near, she would ask me to rest, they knew how to handle. When my boy started to walk, she asked her daughters to carry him to sit in front of her everytime he walked away.
After i make my stand, as long as my mil is around, she makes sure my boys are in sight and can hear her voice.

I could write a book about my encounters with my in laws. It is not just mil but the whole family. I just work my way out.

In fact i just ended my conversation with my mum. She advised me not to blame my mil. It is traditional Chinese way. My stand is clear. I handle my children myself. There is no way i am going to let them overwrite my decisions again.
 
I dunno why Chinese tradition has to be the reason. Shldn't respect be an important element in the human to human interaction?
I saw mil treating their dil like fren n there is mutual respect.
I ask the hubby, n he say coz his mum suffered as dil. So she vowed not to do the same to her dil.
In this case, if we use Chinese tradition, then probably her own dil will b bitching here
 
I agree tat there r Nice pils Ard. Chinese saying..one type of rice feed many types of people...no two families r e same..U may think there's no conflict but who koes?

Marriage is between two families, not just two people. E pasture on e other side is always greener.
 
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For me, it's a really extreme case. I was abused physically n mentally by pils, n hb's indifference was another form of emotional abuse. I suffered from anxiety, paranoia, stress induced diarrhoea towards e end of my marriage. I lost 10kg in 10 weeks. (I'm avg sized lady weighing 60kg all along) I couldn't sleep at night, had nightmares,often woke up in cold sweats, sweaty palms all e time. I knew that if I continued like this, I would die. Thus, I made e decision to leave.
 
Xiaokeai, kudos to you for making a stand. This is also a good lesson for your kids, they shouldn't tolerate such bad treatment. I hope everything works out for you :)
 
@xiaokeai ,What your pil are doing remind me of 儿子要穷养，女儿要富养. My pil are treating my girl like princess, but don't care much about my son. my girl cannot take public transports cos dangerous a lot of pple, no seat to sit, cannot go public toilet cos dirty. When eating outside, must wipe the table first cos dirty, etc... is really damm irritating when I am trying to teach there will always be another person giving comment.
Must be hard for you for the past 8yrs. You mentioned earlier have to spare a thought for the other half as well, but in the first place they spare a thought for you?
As a dil we did our part, have the next generation for ilaws, the children's surname follow the father. If follow the Chinese tradition is considered filial. Typical Chinese will say 不孝有三，无后为大。
I ever heard my mil's fren telling my mil, grandchildren are hard to come by. Which is true, nowadays not alot of married of women would want to have children. Most of them even though have the capability to give birth and have the money doesn't want to be tied down cos they don't want to sacrifice their freedom, money and time.
As a mother, we carry our baby for 9mths, go through labour for hours, if not c-session. Breastfeeding our lo, give them all the best we can.
So why do we have to give in to old folks n let them do whatever they want to our kids?
 
As long as not detrimental, I believe there can b a certain lvl of compromising. Coz in e long run, it may affect e relationship. Is tis wat some of e ladies wan? 為一時之气?
 
Im not chinese but when I was a new mom I had read about the grandchildren through the son is like the extension of the womb of the mil. Can anyone confirm or refute this pls?

My hubby is chinese so I try to learn as much as I could to understand the culture.
 
I'm not sure abt tis, but I've never heard of it. But I do know tat sm traditional families feels tat once gals r married, they should not hav anymore ties with their families. They feel tat it wld mean dil is not treated well.

This was wat my mil used to stop me frm visiting my parents. Even when my maternal grandma passed away, she stopped Me frm going to her funeral.
 
Ohhh.. That was harsh of them to stop you from paying respects to your grandma.

Im still not comfortable with my mil referring to herself as mah mah (sounds too close to mama which i am used to in our family). Most of my mils sisters go by other names from their grandkids, my mil still insists and it makes me uncomfortable. While I understand it is tradition, it still doesn't make it easier for me to swallow.
 
Karoosel, I know what u mean
When I was preg wif my no1, I asked my mil how would she like to b called.
She said 奶奶. I know there muz b some Cantonese way of calling, so I asked her politely. She insist that is the correct calling. I even let her chk wif her 三姑六婆. But she refuse.
Fine, I respect u n gave u the opportunity but u jus turn it down. I can't say much.
A few mths after my boy was born, he started to learn to call me mama. This is the start of the trouble.
She played victim n told my hub that the correct calling shld b ma ma and not 奶奶. I have to salute her. Short of tears. She gave a very 小媳妇 look that seems to imply I refuse to let my boy call her ma ma. Is like I abuse her n refuse to let her sleep or eat.
Being a 48hr filial son, my hub force me to let my boy call her mama
I dun mind the calling, but she was given tons of chances to correct it but she only chose to do so when my boy started calling me ma ma
Sometimes she will "accidentally" call herself mama (妈妈）
 
To me, addressing e elders is a petty issue. Coz end of e day, kid has only one mum n tats us. N Cantonese do call their grandma 'ma ma', just a different tonation. Hokkiens call grandma 'ah ma'.

Only ting is she shldnt have gone back or twisted her words like tat.
 
I dun mind my kids calling her ma ma
But what I hate is that given so many opportunities, she insist on 奶奶. Even telling us that is the way Cantonese call their granny.
Then when my boy start calling me, she can suddenly turn victim n say that she shld b called ma ma.
 
Just be really firm with what you want for your kids. I used to be very soft and relenting but I realize that I'm all my boy has in this world to protect him from everything and I grew stronger because of that. I'm working hard on my career so I be stable financially and make sure I have a say in decisions for my child and that I am sound and mature in all interactions so that no one can say I'm an unfit mother. I can lose anything in this world but not my baby. At the end of the day, you are the mother. Even if leaving is what's best for your child, do so. If you are stable and sound, you will get care and control and they have to abide by your instructions on what's best for your child.
 
Thank you for sharing. Now i don't feel so much of an alien.

I was still recovering from my c-section when my mil confronted me and told me to stick with mommy because she is mah mah. I was like.. "Err.." Their dialect is not cantonese, it's Teochew. She can choose to be called nainai but she refuse.

We are moving to our own house mid next year and hopefully things will sort itself out. I think it is best to live apart to avoid conflicts.
 
I believe tat mils will always b mil. Always treat them like a guest. They can Neva b our mum. Tats e harsh fact of life.

Sometimes we think we r sharing n casual TokIng, but they will think we r complaining..no matter how well we treat them, they will always say we treat our mom betta..
 
Agreed, and things will get worst if you're not the only dil she has. N she will start to compare who is treating her better.
 
I was e only dil but I was not spared either. Lolz..

My mil often compared me with her niece. We r both working. She gets to go on holidays with her bffs once every 3 mths, splurges on branded stuffs, doesn't cook, doesn't do hsework, goes back to her mums place every week.

I dun go anywhere. Not even my mum's place. On off days, I cook for e family. I'm e official chauffeur. I have to plan my work such that I can send her to mkt, to doc appts, etc. All our festive goodies r handmade by Me. I find spending on branded a waste of $...

Still, I'm inferior in their eyes..heart really die liao, after so many years..
 
When your mil compare you with her niece is it based on apple to apple comparison? Married, have kids?
My mil with compare me with her trophy's wife. Comparison in term of how is she being treated. From the way we talk to her, from branded stuff from overseas, got buy her with nice gifts, to bringing her to restaurant to eat, etc...
 
Xiaokeai,
Hugs hugs
Quoting my hubby, we did not do enough. My hub once asked me, did I do what his mum wan? No point doing things that we think is correct, but they dun value
 
Hmm... i know i will never do what my mil wan anymore after giving her what they claimed she wan. They, both hb and mil, claimed that mil only wan me to give her a grandchild to carry. Yes, I gave her my son to carrry and left him in her hands, acting as if i was not around as what they had told me to. Were they contented? No, they weren't. They wanted the unmarried woman in their family to play the role of mother and expected me to sit aside like a dummy as if i am just the surrogate mother or the second wife who had to give way to the legal or first wife. They overwrite my decisions even though i had said it loud and clear. Even after talking to my hb many times about my unhappiness, he, mil and his married eldest sister still openly tell their unmarried sister/daughter to act like she has every right to behave like my son's mother and overwrite my decisions. They kept quiet abt the mistakes they made in the caring of my sons but amplified my mistake as a new mother as if i was trying to harm my son.

When i was pregnant with 2nd child, i knew i do not want to go through the same unpleasant experience again. I took over every single duty of a mum myself.

When i refused to let them toilet trained my son, my hb punished me by refusing to send the children to childcare, telling me to do it myself despite knowing that i would be late for work if i send the boys. That day, i know that i would never give them what they wan anymore. No point giving them what they want but they still dun respect me as my children's mother.
 
Tensilestrain, I almost cried as I read what u wrote. Coz it is like reading what I went through. Not all, but majority.
I m now looking at separation, dunno to go down the path or not. But I m worried my boy will blame his meimei for the broken family because she jus born.
 
honestly some parents in laws are nightmare.. no matter how you shower your in laws with care & love .. they simply just wont budge .. they only think you owe them big time ... and bad mouth you 365 days ... things are worst if your hubby doesnt side you ... :(

speaking from experience ....
 
I dun u/s why some pil are so anal abt calling bcos as the child grows up they will learn in due time. My dd called my dad 'poopoo' and my FIL "woo woo" for the mths and they always responded. Lol... Now at 2 yrs she calls them properly. They learn anyways in due time. Sometimes it's abt setting expectations with them. But w/o your hb backing you I think it's a losing battle. I think next time I will tell my dd to avoid only sons...
 
karoosel said:
Ohhh.. That was harsh of them to stop you from paying respects to your grandma.

Im still not comfortable with my mil referring to herself as mah mah (sounds too close to mama which i am used to in our family). Most of my mils sisters go by other names from their grandkids, my mil still insists and it makes me uncomfortable. While I understand it is tradition, it still doesn't make it easier for me to swallow.
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My MIL wanted my son to address her as "mah mah" too, yes, it sounds too much like "Ma Ma" and I thought I wouldn't want to confuse my son. Anyway, "Ma Ma" is very sacred term, not to be used by any. I insisted that my son address her as "Ah Mah" or "Nai Nai". Now, she LL accept it as "Ah Mah". I am going to kick hell if she insists her shit.

I told her that since we are are not Cantonese, we are Hokkien, so stick to "Ah Ma".
 
xiaokeai said:
I believe tat mils will always b mil. Always treat them like a guest. They can Neva b our mum. Tats e harsh fact of life.

Sometimes we think we r sharing n casual TokIng, but they will think we r complaining..no matter how well we treat them, they will always say we treat our mom betta..
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This is natural...just like they would want their own daughters and sons to treat them better and not their respective parents-in-law. It's always best to see them at big occasions. Nothing more than that. More meet-ups means more conflicts. I don't understand why they ALWAYS attempt to overwrite us, the mummies of our kids.
 
xiaokeai said:
Filing for divorce now. After these 8 years of trying n tolerating, I was ready to give up.

All I want to tell e other ladies out there is that there r many other worse pils than urs. If it's not detrimental to the kids development, sm times as dils, we just have to give n take.
Click to expand...
Be strong.
 
My pil are the ang mo style, will want my children address them as grandpa n grandma... then those relatives address as uncle tim, aunty sue, etc... which I put a firm no to that. I told them in this case everyone on the street will b call uncle and aunty. Including those that sell drink and food at koptiam. Their own immediate relatives doesn't make any difference from those outsiders. Somemore is 1yr, meet 1 or 2 times only.
I want my kids to learn the correct way of addressing those seniors, be respectful to them n most important remember those own roots.
My pil aren't happy with that cos my husband has been addressing his own relatives as uncle n aunty...N the old folks don't find anything wrong with it...:confused:
 
towkayneo said:
My MIL wanted my son to address her as "mah mah" too, yes, it sounds too much like "Ma Ma" and I thought I wouldn't want to confuse my son. Anyway, "Ma Ma" is very sacred term, not to be used by any. I insisted that my son address her as "Ah Mah" or "Nai Nai". Now, she LL accept it as "Ah Mah". I am going to kick hell if she insists her shit.

I told her that since we are are not Cantonese, we are Hokkien, so stick to "Ah Ma".
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Lol. I like you already "Ah Ma" sounds more appropriate. They are not Cantonese either! I think it makes her feel old that's why she didnt consider it as a choice.
 
karoosel said:
Lol. I like you already "Ah Ma" sounds more appropriate. They are not Cantonese either! I think it makes her feel old that's why she didnt consider it as a choice.
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If the options given are not to her liking, then I will just say "why not just stick to Grandma" and period. Not going to waste time on such crap. My kid and I have better things to do :p
 
karoosel said:
Lol. I like you already "Ah Ma" sounds more appropriate. They are not Cantonese either! I think it makes her feel old that's why she didnt consider it as a choice.
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Cos maybe it sounds like Ma Ma...how can a kid have 2 ma mas??? Think in olden times, the MIL is like the matriarch, everybody in the house has to respect her and maybe the grandchildren will see her as the head of the household instead of their own mothers.

I always think that the r/s between MILs and DILs will definitely sour if the MIL keep wanting to interfere in how the DIL takes care of the kid / kids. I mean, their era is already over. Take a backseat and let the younger ones run the show.
 
towkayneo said:
Cos maybe it sounds like Ma Ma...how can a kid have 2 ma mas??? Think in olden times, the MIL is like the matriarch, everybody in the house has to respect her and maybe the grandchildren will see her as the head of the household instead of their own mothers.

I always think that the r/s between MILs and DILs will definitely sour if the MIL keep wanting to interfere in how the DIL takes care of the kid / kids. I mean, their era is already over. Take a backseat and let the younger ones run the show.
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At the moment, since we are still waiting for our bto to finish, i have to deal with constant interference and the occassional comparison with her sons.

I can't even teach my 22 month old to feed herself without hearing her breathing down my neck because, heaven forbid, there's a drop of yoghurt on the kid's chin/table/shirt or (OMG) the floor. When she starts her sentence with "my boys..", i almost always lose it. One time i interrupted her (as nice as i could), "Your boys, mama, your boys. Not my girl. They are different people."

It would be an easy relationship if I didn't have to see and deal with her everyday.
 
you know As time pass ppl's subconscious minds augments their experience and only retain the good stuff. Things that they remember might be very very far from the truth 10-20 yrs ago.
Seriously I think it's part and parcel to have a mess when toddlers are learning to self feed. Dun need to be so drama. Maybe tell her that if she keep saying these things to a toddler they will be affected emotionally which is bad for development. You think they don't know anything but toddlers pick up a lot of verbal and non verbal cues.
My mil also said stuff like u know ah, some children by now can say this this this already. I told my hubby, ur mum is saying UR daughter is sub standard. I wld appreciate if she does not say it in front of me again. After that, no more nonsense like this. Now she only says stuff like oh baby very smart ah can do this this this... Every child is different we need to embrace it. I'll prefer to let my hubby handle mil. Cos i dun think mil hears anything the dil says.
 
I can't stand mil making a fuss over my gal is learning to Self feed on her own. She will use tones of tissue papers wipe here n there..whenever my gal drop food on the table...till she can't stand it and spoon feed her. Told my mil straight my gal has to learn to feed, if you have more grandchildren how many can you spoon feed.
She will say my gal is young, wait till she is older, which I disagreed. Young is one things but still have to learn. Every small little things start from young, just like folding own blanket after wake up. If she don't learn now, she will never do it and become lazy.
Even though my mil is well educated doesn't mean she is always right. I won't hesitate to correct right in front of her even though she don't like.
 


bbabyblue said:
I can't stand mil making a fuss over my gal is learning to Self feed on her own. She will use tones of tissue papers wipe here n there..whenever my gal drop food on the table...till she can't stand it and spoon feed her. Told my mil straight my gal has to learn to feed, if you have more grandchildren how many can you spoon feed.
She will say my gal is young, wait till she is older, which I disagreed. Young is one things but still have to learn. Every small little things start from young, just like folding own blanket after wake up. If she don't learn now, she will never do it and become lazy.
Even though my mil is well educated doesn't mean she is always right. I won't hesitate to correct right in front of her even though she don't like.
Click to expand...
I think these people should just go into the room or go out of the house to do their own stuff if they cannot stand seeing such a mess.
 
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