Making a decision

[Cindize]

I would like to seek advise, opinions and even sharing similar situations in here as I feel I have no where else to turn and this is the last of my energy left.

Currently I have a good job and baby is healthy. My husband is working freelance and I feel our marriage is close to breaking down.

We rarely fight at all as now regardless whatever happens, I try to stay out of his way or don't bring up things even though I know whatever has been going on behind my back.

He has a bad temper while I'm more on the gentle side. At home now, I don't nag, don't scold, try to be supportive and encouraging and don't bother him much.

I feel very lonely and alienated in this marriage.

 

[Daman]

Hi Cindize, read your story and I am sorry to hear about your plight. Just to know abit more before commenting, are you aware of his fetishes before you got married and if you did, how did you handle it? Has it gotten progressively worse (his fetishes) from since then?

 

[Cindize]

Hi Cindize, read your story and I am sorry to hear about your plight. Just to know abit more before commenting, are you aware of his fetishes before you got married and if you did, how did you handle it? Has it gotten progressively worse (his fetishes) from since then?

Hi Daman, no I did not know. Before marriage, he even told me he don't watch porn nor like to look at girls, etc. if I knew all this before hand, I would not have continued. They always say that true colors only come out after marriage. Then again I don't think he wanted me to know any, don't think any of his friends and family knows as he has been hiding this all along.

 

[jog]

Hi Cindize, I am also sorry to read about the situation you are facing. It sounds to me you are sacrificing a lot for the family and not being appreciated and you are forgoing your own happiness to stay in this marriage. *Big Hug*
Personally I think happiness is something that we should fight for. Is your husband open to change or counselling?
I don't know what else to say but I feel that at the end of the day, you need to make the decision which is best for you and your baby. You and your baby deserve a loving and happy home.

 

[Daman]

Hi Cindize,
Just from my own perspective. In some men, there is a innate need to satisfy their desires and I am not surprised that you didnt not know of his true nature until after marriage. however, from the developments, it would appear that he gradually showed his preference (fetishes) and may be under the impression that you are alright with his behavouir in the beginning of your marriage. As there maybe a perception of "unwritten" permission from your side, he "progressed" rapidly to this state and may be addicted to this habit and need. I suggest he may need a psychatric assessment and even medication on such complusive tendencies. But again, getting this assessment may be difficult in the first place. Is there anyway you can talk him into it. The fetishes, in my opinion is like an addiction to drugs. The "high" that he receives is drawing him back over and over again.

 

[Cindize]

Hi Cindize, I am also sorry to read about the situation you are facing. It sounds to me you are sacrificing a lot for the family and not being appreciated and you are forgoing your own happiness to stay in this marriage. *Big Hug*
Personally I think happiness is something that we should fight for. Is your husband open to change or counselling?
I don't know what else to say but I feel that at the end of the day, you need to make the decision which is best for you and your baby. You and your baby deserve a loving and happy home.

Hi Jog, thanks for your kind words. We did go for counseling however he used the sessions as attacking opportunities towards me. Everything he said was just to say everything is my fault.

He used portions to his benefit and went all out to enforce it like how the counseler said in a marriage, couple no need to inform the other where they are or update anything. The other party should just let the other person be and not ask questions. So with that he just stop letting me know anything anymore. When I questioned her about it later saying that in many marriage help books and all that the couples lives should not be that independent and that its good to communicate and be accountable, she said he got her meaning wrong and that should only apply in a fight to cool down first then later talk about it.

He has already clearly said he will never change anything for me and will just be himself and that I'm to accept. He feels that last time when he tried changing, I still got upset and insecure so what's the point. The saddest part is he forgot that I got upset and insecure because he actually told lies, etc that was found out and not assumptions.

He said if I can't accept then I'm the one who will suffer not him. I told him I changed so much for this marriage and he said that is my choice to do so and that it benefits myself because if I don't change then I will suffer. As mentioned he made it clear that he will just be who he is whether I like it or not. No compromises, no agreements, no trying to meet halfway.

I don't know what kind of marriage this is. It just is really heartbreaking.

I told him I don't have to change too and everyday we can just fight till the end of time but I change to work on the marriage, to make it improve, not because I need to but because I want to. He just sees it as a no choice thing for me that I have to just give in.

 

[Cindize]

Hi Cindize,
Just from my own perspective. In some men, there is a innate need to satisfy their desires and I am not surprised that you didnt not know of his true nature until after marriage. however, from the developments, it would appear that he gradually showed his preference (fetishes) and may be under the impression that you are alright with his behavouir in the beginning of your marriage. As there maybe a perception of "unwritten" permission from your side, he "progressed" rapidly to this state and may be addicted to this habit and need. I suggest he may need a psychatric assessment and even medication on such complusive tendencies. But again, getting this assessment may be difficult in the first place. Is there anyway you can talk him into it. The fetishes, in my opinion is like an addiction to drugs. The "high" that he receives is drawing him back over and over again.

No as I'm not supposed to know that he is continuing this. He tries his best to hide it. If I talk about it then he will just blow up and scold me vulgars. There is no room for negotiation in his life with me. He treats everyone better than me. Even when out, I'm supposed to be polite and nice to everyone but people can say mean things to me and I must accept.

After saying all this, I really wonder why I'm still in this marriage.

 

[Daman]

Hi Cindize,

One more question, does he earn enough from his freelance to acquire the items as mentioned? Also, do you provide him with monies for any purposes? And does he contribute anything to the household?

 

[jog]

Cindize, is there anyone who you can confide in, close friend or family? The reason I ask is so that this person can be there for you while u navigate to make a decision and change things. Online forums are after all not physical. Don't be too hard on yourself by going in through alone.

 

[timmerin]

i assume from ur subject title 'making a decision' u are considering your next step of action.

1) u hv tried couple counselling which didn't seem to help. have u tried individual counselling for urself to help u evaluate ur options?

2) can u forsee yourself living in this manner for the rest if ur life with him, assuming he doesn't change?

3) hv u considered the option of divorce n what are your thoughts about it?

4) hv u considered gg to a counsellor specialised in addictions for help? u can ask ur counsellor to help u refer u to one. this will perhaps help u evaluate ur next step of action. it is better to seek professional help in ur case.

to be honest, i suspect ur hubby may developed a serious addiction to porn. like all addictions it is hard to quit if the person is unwilling n is able to sustain the habit. usually, it is the law clamping dwn on them in the case for drugs or if they experienced some 'a-ha' experience (e.g. brush with illness like cancer, bankruptcy etc) before they will 'wake up'.

i see no reason for him to want to quit if he has $$ for it, if he can always 'walk over' u n make u acquiesce to his unreasonable demands/wishes so that he can continue his habits.

 

[paranomic]

If you have given him chance after chance and he is still in his vices and behaviours.
If you both have gone for counselling and he is still in his vices and behaviours.
If you have tolerated far enough and he is still in his vices and behaviours.
Then happiness you will need to fight for... project another 3yrs, 5 yrs and 10 years down the road..
What would become of you and the baby...

There are also some man who will do all sort and try to convince the wife to stay on by offering repentance.. but never once fulfilled and keep going back.
They are more scheming as they know how to play with tricks and emotions, and minds. The woman just got "imprisoned" and until their time expires..
Happiness is far long gone away.

You will need to assess your needs and happiness.
Blessings.

 

[gooseberry]

Hi cindize, I can understand the ordeal u r gg through. Jus to let u know, u r not alone in this, for I'm gg through situation of sorts too.

My marriage w hubby has for the last decade bn like housemates. There's something not right, but I jus can't put a finger to it. Hubby n I hv tog for close to 2 decades. We hv our fair share of marital discord. Post-kids, I notice, he had bn coming to me infrequently for sex. Post-my second kid, the situation became worse. I've nv turned him dn for sex but I'm not an active pursuer either.

My doubts came to light when I discovered his bra fetish a year n a half ago. I've tried all methods to hv our sex life back to normalcy - talks, pleas, giving into to his fetish, threats, change myself..... everything I can fathom.

Still, despite all I've done, I feel wat I'm having now are all obligatory. Obligatory dry kiss. Obligatory hugs. Obligatory cuddles. Obligatory sex. I dunno how to put a finger to it. It jus seem so emotionally disconnected. It cuts me off emotionally. I dun feel a connection.

I'm suspecting he is having a porn addiction. Tt's preferring his private fun to coming to me.

Do u know of any agencies tt provide help & support for porn addicts n their spouses?

 

[Cindize]

Hi Cindize,

One more question, does he earn enough from his freelance to acquire the items as mentioned? Also, do you provide him with monies for any purposes? And does he contribute anything to the household?

I don't really know for sure whether he earns enough as his earnings are also kept confidential.

However I don't give him any money but he occasionally gives me money sometimes.

He buys subsidence for the house so that is his contribution.

 

[pixie ng]

for me, it is ok to have fetish or whatever which makes him happy. but when it becomes a habit which compel him to do it everyday and he is willing to sacrifice his family for his compulsion (not something optional anymore). he needs to change and get rid of it.

i don't care whether he make enough money or not. i don't care whether he has money to support his compulsion or not. bottomline his compulsion is ruining the family and he is not willing to neg at all. so why should i stay with someone who doesn't care about the family? unless your family contribution is all counted by dollars and cents, instead of love and affection, then i guess the family can carry on... if not, i will not stay for someone who chose over his compulsion rather than his family.

what holding a family together should be trust, faith, honesty, love & affection. not lies, money or excuses...

 

[pixie ng]

Do u know of any agencies tt provide help & support for porn addicts n their spouses?

i know there are several sex addicts groups and therapy... because i do have a friend who is a sex addict, and have been working hard to quit it for few yrs.. but the thing is your husband willing to attend? is not a one time off session. maybe twice per week and also need to take medication

 

[Cindize]

Cindize, is there anyone who you can confide in, close friend or family? The reason I ask is so that this person can be there for you while u navigate to make a decision and change things. Online forums are after all not physical. Don't be too hard on yourself by going in through alone.

I confide in very few people as this is something you will not really want to share with the whole world. But thankfully I do have a strong support group once I decide to take the next step out. No one wants to walk out of a marriage but if even professionals advise you that there is no hope for such a person, what other choice is there?

 

[Cindize]

i assume from ur subject title 'making a decision' u are considering your next step of action.

1) u hv tried couple counselling which didn't seem to help. have u tried individual counselling for urself to help u evaluate ur options?

2) can u forsee yourself living in this manner for the rest if ur life with him, assuming he doesn't change?

3) hv u considered the option of divorce n what are your thoughts about it?

4) hv u considered gg to a counsellor specialised in addictions for help? u can ask ur counsellor to help u refer u to one. this will perhaps help u evaluate ur next step of action. it is better to seek professional help in ur case.

to be honest, i suspect ur hubby may developed a serious addiction to porn. like all addictions it is hard to quit if the person is unwilling n is able to sustain the habit. usually, it is the law clamping dwn on them in the case for drugs or if they experienced some 'a-ha' experience (e.g. brush with illness like cancer, bankruptcy etc) before they will 'wake up'.

i see no reason for him to want to quit if he has $$ for it, if he can always 'walk over' u n make u acquiesce to his unreasonable demands/wishes so that he can continue his habits.

Hi Timmerin,

Thank you for your long write up.

1) yes I have gone through individual counseling to share the situation. Their response is there's nothing I can do it change that will make the situation better as this person is someone that is no hope. It is quite bad to the extent that they do not even feel that they can help him and don't even want to see him. The key issue here is he dosent want to be married, he wants the status yes, but not the responsibilities, changes, compromises that comes with it.

2) to be honest, I don't think I can continue this much longer. It us truly very tiring having your feelings disregard and in many occasions, wonder why you are not treated like another human being.

3) previously would look at it as not an option but considering I've changed so extreme, and it's not helping much. Including my needs is always last and in his life, I'm the least importance and where he gives me the least respect, what else can I do?

4) no have not considered as he would never admit or own up. He would just deny to the very end even though evidence is right in front. If he has no room for denial, will then throw a very huge anger fit. There's no remorse or conscience here in anything he does or does wrong. None.

 

[Cindize]

If you have given him chance after chance and he is still in his vices and behaviours.
If you both have gone for counselling and he is still in his vices and behaviours.
If you have tolerated far enough and he is still in his vices and behaviours.
Then happiness you will need to fight for... project another 3yrs, 5 yrs and 10 years down the road..
What would become of you and the baby...

There are also some man who will do all sort and try to convince the wife to stay on by offering repentance.. but never once fulfilled and keep going back.
They are more scheming as they know how to play with tricks and emotions, and minds. The woman just got "imprisoned" and until their time expires..
Happiness is far long gone away.

You will need to assess your needs and happiness.
Blessings.

What you mentioned has happened. I am assessing my needs and happiness.

Although now I'm wondering whether all this can be classified as unreasonable behavior.

 

[Cindize]

Hi cindize, I can understand the ordeal u r gg through. Jus to let u know, u r not alone in this, for I'm gg through situation of sorts too.

My marriage w hubby has for the last decade bn like housemates. There's something not right, but I jus can't put a finger to it. Hubby n I hv tog for close to 2 decades. We hv our fair share of marital discord. Post-kids, I notice, he had bn coming to me infrequently for sex. Post-my second kid, the situation became worse. I've nv turned him dn for sex but I'm not an active pursuer either.

My doubts came to light when I discovered his bra fetish a year n a half ago. I've tried all methods to hv our sex life back to normalcy - talks, pleas, giving into to his fetish, threats, change myself..... everything I can fathom.

Still, despite all I've done, I feel wat I'm having now are all obligatory. Obligatory dry kiss. Obligatory hugs. Obligatory cuddles. Obligatory sex. I dunno how to put a finger to it. It jus seem so emotionally disconnected. It cuts me off emotionally. I dun feel a connection.

I'm suspecting he is having a porn addiction. Tt's preferring his private fun to coming to me.

Do u know of any agencies tt provide help & support for porn addicts n their spouses?

Hi gooseberry, in this sense, would you stay on in the marriage? It is tiring leading such a life with such a person, just feels like two people living under the same roof.

I always envisioned a marriage as a union. Two people coming together for a common goal and that is to have a happy family.

Maybe I've really just tried too hard on the wrong person. The counsellors have assured me that it's no fault of mine. They tell me to move on.

 

[jog]

I confide in very few people as this is something you will not really want to share with the whole world. But thankfully I do have a strong support group once I decide to take the next step out. No one wants to walk out of a marriage but if even professionals advise you that there is no hope for such a person, what other choice is there?

Cindize, I hope you will find the strength and wisdom to the necessary for the good of yourself and your baby. All the best.