Looking for support - Tired husband

[Frankie13]

hi,

recently we just welcome our son into our family. But despite this happiness, i still feel very empty deep in me.

For the last few years, my wife and i are constantly in argument. No matter what i do, my wife tends to see "mistake" in them. Due to this, i started to lose confidence in myself and always blame myself for everything. I also cannot focus and concentrate in our family life. Cos of this, i tend to forget where i put things at home or do things that my wife told me to.

I also have some minor hearing issue that at times, i cannot hear her properly and she started to get angry as she think that i am not paying attention to her or i cannot catch what she is talking about.

I told her before that i might have hearing problem and depression but she threw all this theories out, saying is all my imagination.

Every argument ended with her getting angry and me saying sorry. I remembered at times that the fault is not mine but as i have history of doing the wrong things, i cannot convince her that is not my fault. An example is that i always remembered that i had kept my shorts in top drawer. there was once i saw my shorts in the 2nd drawer and when i told my wife about it, she insisted that i did it even though i remembered very clearly that i did not. but due to my history of forgetting stuffs, i accepted that i did it and even blame myself why am i so forgetful.

Few weeks back, she started to reprimand me again and i started to behave strangely that convince her that i might have depression. She sent me to see the Psychiatrist the next day and i poured out all years of sorrow out with my wife beside me. My wife was shocked to hear that i even has thought of commiting suicide.

At the end of the session, she told me that this is all mental issue that i must sort it out myself. Going to regular session with the Psychiatrist might not help. With this, i dropped the idea of going for another session. I even convinced myself to be positive. Like my wife always said to me, she will forget all the matters that she reprimand for and i should do the same to.

Cos in the session, i told the Psychiatrist that i fear my wife, i am scare of doing things wrongly to make my wife angry. My wife felt that i am a hypocrite that always think of her badly and never remember her good. That is why i tried to convince myself to stay positive and always think of her good.

But it seems like i am not getting any support from her. She still continue to reprimand me for all the small and big mistakes i did. With this constant fighting and argument in the family, i am getting tired of it.

I told her that i want a happy family with no argument and fighting. Maybe i am too naive to think this way.

I am at a loss of what to do. I do not have friends to share and i just bottled up in me.

Sorry for the wall of text. Just wanting to pour out everything in me.
Thanks for reading.

 

[schomp5]

Have you considered getting hearing aids for the hearing problem issue? If you cannot hear her say properly, ask her to write down or repeat herself, you also rephrase it and clarify your understanding with her if that is what she wanted.

Anyone will be depressed if keep getting scolded. For the forgetful issue, maybe u can try post-it notes to help remind yourself?
The shorts in wrong drawer issue is so tiny, not sure why the need for the big fuss over it. Is that cupboard not yours too? Maybe your wife has OCD and is short-tempered (quick to fire up, fast to cool down and forget)? I think either you have to tolerate that or find ways to let her realize her own issues. Nobody is perfect.

Anyway, if she know you are forgetful, and she needs you to remember certain things, suggest to her to write those things down in your mobile or a sticky note to remind you rather than constant scolding.

Happy family is not always no argument and fighting nor is an unhappy family always having arguments and fights. Find resolution for problems is more important.

 

[colormebeautiful]

Sorry to say, but why are you afraid of your wife? She will eat u up? If she doesn't give you the basic respect as a man or a husband, you should man up and tell her honestly. Your negative feelings have been suppressed for too long, hence the depression. Sorry but don't think your marriage will work out this way. Are you going to be continue fearing her for the rest of your life?

Can you start to think? How did this started? Were you scared of her during dating time too? Or she has to work/take care of kid all day, and you have zero contribution?

 

[Frankie13]

Have you considered getting hearing aids for the hearing problem issue? If you cannot hear her say properly, ask her to write down or repeat herself, you also rephrase it and clarify your understanding with her if that is what she wanted.

Anyone will be depressed if keep getting scolded. For the forgetful issue, maybe u can try post-it notes to help remind yourself?
The shorts in wrong drawer issue is so tiny, not sure why the need for the big fuss over it. Is that cupboard not yours too? Maybe your wife has OCD and is short-tempered (quick to fire up, fast to cool down and forget)? I think either you have to tolerate that or find ways to let her realize her own issues. Nobody is perfect.

Anyway, if she know you are forgetful, and she needs you to remember certain things, suggest to her to write those things down in your mobile or a sticky note to remind you rather than constant scolding.

Happy family is not always no argument and fighting nor is an unhappy family always having arguments and fights. Find resolution for problems is more important.

My wife thinks that my hearing problem is my mental issue. i tend to assume things she said. Sometime i catch only key words and reply. As i constantly get reprimanded, that is why i try to be act smart, before she finished her sentence, i will quickly reply but is wrong. Then she will say we are drifting apart as i cannot catch what she is trying to say. (Sigh.....is my fault)

For the issue on the shorts, i am trying to tell her that she will make mistake too, not always me.....but in end, i got it again.
I used phone reminder app to remember things but not everything can be done this way.

She is a quick-tempered person, kind at heart. That is why i still love her. I just want her to support me but in the end, she will ask me who support her.....therefore, it is always questions answered with questions. This make me fear of sharing things with her as i do not want to start another argument with her and end result is that i must apologise regardless who is at fault.

 

[JL8118]

Suggest to see doctor for your hearing issue. As what schomp5 mentioned, perhaps getting a hearing aid may help.
Maybe you will want to consult another Psychiatrist to have 2nd opinion.
If things were to continue, sad to say, this marriage may not last.
When issue/problem occurred, both have to work together to settle this as a family

 

[Frankie13]

Sorry to say, but why are you afraid of your wife? She will eat u up? If she doesn't give you the basic respect as a man or a husband, you should man up and tell her honestly. Your negative feelings have been suppressed for too long, hence the depression. Sorry but don't think your marriage will work out this way. Are you going to be continue fearing her for the rest of your life?

Can you start to think? How did this started? Were you scared of her during dating time too? Or she has to work/take care of kid all day, and you have zero contribution?

I am scare of her as i do not want to start another argument as this will hurt our relationship. I kept telling her i do not want a marriage with constant argument.

I always choose the ostrich way, avoiding the problems and thinking that it will go away.
I remembered this started when i lost my first job years ago. I stayed at home for months and now constantly walking on edges to avoid making mistakes being in personal or working life. it might be the MCP mentality that a man must bring back the bread for the family.

When we were dating, she always said that i am full of confidence, make smart decisions and "cocky" but i am totally different now. I am the one guiding and teaching her but no longer that now. Nowadays, i dare not make any decision. i tend to role-play in my mind of different decisions and guess the best that will make her happy or avoid argument. That is why i always make the wrong and unrational decision that pissed her off.

 

[Frankie13]

Suggest to see doctor for your hearing issue. As what schomp5 mentioned, perhaps getting a hearing aid may help.
Maybe you will want to consult another Psychiatrist to have 2nd opinion.
If things were to continue, sad to say, this marriage may not last.
When issue/problem occurred, both have to work together to settle this as a family

She always remind me of the failure marriage too if i continue this way. This is the reason why i am very scare of making mistakes as i do not want a broken marriage. But i am really at lost of what to do. It seems like everything is my fault. I just keep walking in circles.

Psychiatrist said that i am in the "self-pity" mode that i blame everyone except myself. Sigh...............

 

[JL8118]

Then all the more you need to stay positive!
Sometimes minor quarrel/argument help in building a more stable relationship.

 

[schomp5]

My wife thinks that my hearing problem is my mental issue. i tend to assume things she said. Sometime i catch only key words and reply. As i constantly get reprimanded, that is why i try to be act smart, before she finished her sentence, i will quickly reply but is wrong. Then she will say we are drifting apart as i cannot catch what she is trying to say. (Sigh.....is my fault) <- do something about it.

For the issue on the shorts <- just forget about this, don't let it weigh in your heart, really a tiny issue, i am trying to tell her that she will make mistake too, not always me.....but in end, i got it again.
I used phone reminder app to remember things but not everything can be done this way.

She is a quick-tempered person, kind at heart. That is why i still love her. I just want her to support me but in the end, she will ask me who support her.....therefore, it is always questions answered with questions. This make me fear of sharing things with her as i do not want to start another argument with her and end result is that i must apologise regardless who is at fault. <- it is a downward trend, my dad started throwing temper at times like shouting when my mom complained a bit (not even scolding)

LOL, you sound like my dad. Well, I hoped you aren't as stubborn as my dad though. It is an issue to communication, because it feels like chicken talking to duck at times (when I talk A to him, he can suddenly talk about XYZ...) - frustrating. Do go see a doctor regarding the hearing issue. Don't assume, and don't let your pride gets in the way.

Don't take it that you have to apologize for everything, and apologies sometimes don't mean anything especially if said too often. Just read the cheating husbands thread, the husbands can apologize and yet do the same betrayal again. Rather, make an effort (try to listen more, talk less if needed - don't hurry to apologize, or to cut her off).

 

[schomp5]

My wife thinks that my hearing problem is my mental issue. i tend to assume things she said. Sometime i catch only key words and reply. As i constantly get reprimanded, that is why i try to be act smart, before she finished her sentence, i will quickly reply but is wrong. Then she will say we are drifting apart as i cannot catch what she is trying to say. (Sigh.....is my fault) <- do something about it.

For the issue on the shorts <- just forget about this, don't let it weigh in your heart, really a tiny issue, i am trying to tell her that she will make mistake too, not always me.....but in end, i got it again.
I used phone reminder app to remember things but not everything can be done this way.

She is a quick-tempered person, kind at heart. That is why i still love her. I just want her to support me but in the end, she will ask me who support her.....therefore, it is always questions answered with questions. This make me fear of sharing things with her as i do not want to start another argument with her and end result is that i must apologise regardless who is at fault. <- it is a downward trend, my dad started throwing temper at times like shouting when my mom complained a bit (not even scolding)

LOL, you sound like my dad. Well, I hoped you aren't as stubborn as my dad though. It is an issue to communication, because it feels like chicken talking to duck at times (when I talk A to him, he can suddenly talk about XYZ...) - frustrating. Do go see a doctor regarding the hearing issue. Don't assume, and don't let your pride gets in the way.

Don't take it that you have to apologize for everything, and apologies sometimes don't mean anything especially if said too often. Just read the cheating husbands thread, the husbands can apologize and yet do the same betrayal again. Rather, make an effort (try to listen more, talk less if needed - don't hurry to apologize, or to cut her off).

 

[Frankie13]

Then all the more you need to stay positive!
Sometimes minor quarrel/argument help in building a more stable relationship.

Does all woman think the same? she told me that too. minor quarrel/argument is good for r/s.
But if you are always the one getting the sticks......i doubt this theory will work.

 

[schomp5]

She always remind me of the failure marriage too if i continue this way. This is the reason why i am very scare of making mistakes as i do not want a broken marriage. But i am really at lost of what to do. It seems like everything is my fault. I just keep walking in circles.

Psychiatrist said that i am in the "self-pity" mode that i blame everyone except myself. Sigh...............

Don't say never. It could be true. Keep saying "is my fault" from your mouth, but your heart don't agree with it. Saying "sorry" was just to pacify people. That you feel that you are ALWAYS being blamed, ALWAYS being wronged. Keep trying to justify why you did what you did, rather than reflect what you could have done better.

https://lonerwolf.com/self-pity/

 

[schomp5]

She always remind me of the failure marriage too if i continue this way. This is the reason why i am very scare of making mistakes as i do not want a broken marriage. But i am really at lost of what to do. It seems like everything is my fault. I just keep walking in circles.

Psychiatrist said that i am in the "self-pity" mode that i blame everyone except myself. Sigh...............

Don't say never. It could be true. Keep saying "is my fault" from your mouth, but your heart don't agree with it. Saying "sorry" was just to pacify people. That you feel that you are ALWAYS being blamed, ALWAYS being wronged. Keep trying to justify why you did what you did, rather than reflect what you could have done better.

https://lonerwolf.com/self-pity/

 

[Frankie13]

LOL, you sound like my dad. Well, I hoped you aren't as stubborn as my dad though. It is an issue to communication, because it feels like chicken talking to duck at times (when I talk A to him, he can suddenly talk about XYZ...) - frustrating. Do go see a doctor regarding the hearing issue. Don't assume, and don't let your pride gets in the way.

Don't take it that you have to apologize for everything, and apologies sometimes don't mean anything especially if said too often. Just read the cheating husbands thread, the husbands can apologize and yet do the same betrayal again. Rather, make an effort (try to listen more, talk less if needed - don't hurry to apologize, or to cut her off).

My mother tends to scold my father too even at their old age now. I really worry that i will end up like my father. He becomes quiet and just sit in one corner and let my mother "scold" him.

I need my wife to "agree' that i am seeing a doctor on my hearing issue.

Sometimes, i feel that i have no pride at home. Just keep doing things and get scolded and apologise for nothing.....................i am trying to be positive and whenever i manage to take 1 step forward, i will be reprimanded and it will be another 2 steps back. These 2 days, we are quarralling over very small matters that i cannot even believe.

She kept saying that she do not judge me in her heart but i doubt so. Cos whenever something goes wrong, i it must be either my hearing or my forgetfulness. it will never be other fault, it will always be me.

 

[JL8118]

Does all woman think the same? she told me that too. minor quarrel/argument is good for r/s.
But if you are always the one getting the sticks......i doubt this theory will work.

Not all woman are the same.
For myself, I do feel minor quarrel/argument can help in building a stronger relationship.

 

[Frankie13]

Don't say never. It could be true. Keep saying "is my fault" from your mouth, but your heart don't agree with it. Saying "sorry" was just to pacify people. That you feel that you are ALWAYS being blamed, ALWAYS being wronged. Keep trying to justify why you did what you did, rather than reflect what you could have done better.

https://lonerwolf.com/self-pity/

yeah, most of the times i say sorry is to stop the argument and let her cool down so that everything will be peaceful again.

What is want from her is recogisation of the things i do but she seldom do so. She feels that i should do it with my heart and not to seek recogisation.

I always tell her that for every 10 things i do, can she just focus on the 3 good that i did and not the 7 bad.........

 

[schomp5]

yeah, most of the times i say sorry is to stop the argument and let her cool down so that everything will be peaceful again.

What is want from her is recogisation of the things i do but she seldom do so. She feels that i should do it with my heart and not to seek recogisation.

I always tell her that for every 10 things i do, can she just focus on the 3 good that i did and not the 7 bad.........

precisely lo. Sometimes I felt my husband also seeks recognition... it is not that I didn't recognize he did housework, but please, I did the same housework prior to pregnancy and did much more and cleaner than him (but pardon his poor eyesight la). After he did the first time, he was like "ahh so tiring, give me credit etc..." I do appreciate that he did but I did things without asking for credit because I felt I should be doing. It is call "taking the initiative". Don't have to have people ask you do one thing, u did that one thing and expect to be praised.

Honestly I think for every 10 things you do, she already ignore the 6 bads, maybe nag u for the 1 bad and then the 3 goods probably 2 neutral (that you should be doing anyway) and 1 remember in her heart. Don't say doesn't mean don't appreciate. I do appreciate my husband putting in spare toilet rolls in the toilets (I just thought that was what he likes doing too). How often do you give your wife credit for the things she did? Did she ask you for credit? Sometimes you probably won't noticed them too, unless she mentioned.

How do you expect your wife to understand you if you are always shutting her up with endless "sorries"? It is like the equivalent of "I don't wish to discuss this anymore.", "Whatever, it is ALWAYS my fault." How do those sound to you? Very passive-aggressive, ain't it? Not sure if you did them subconsciously, but you should try to open up more to your wife.

So what if I get the sticks... I will just try to do it better. Or if I feel is not my fault, I playfully argued back... never too big an issue to become a big quarrel (not like we are cheating on each other).

 

[JL8118]

Agreed with schomp5
When come to argument, is not about who's the one apologising. But more of communication in the fault, and better, way to prevent it. When there are 10 things our partner do, 7 are good, and 3 are bad, we will only say about the bad things. But doesn't mean we don't know or unaware of the good things. We just keep it to heart, which is a kind of 'sweetness' to us.
It's the same when both are in the argument, will say each other bad things out. None (or very rare) will say about the good things during a heat up argument.

 

[Frankie13]

precisely lo. Sometimes I felt my husband also seeks recognition... it is not that I didn't recognize he did housework, but please, I did the same housework prior to pregnancy and did much more and cleaner than him (but pardon his poor eyesight la). After he did the first time, he was like "ahh so tiring, give me credit etc..." I do appreciate that he did but I did things without asking for credit because I felt I should be doing. It is call "taking the initiative". Don't have to have people ask you do one thing, u did that one thing and expect to be praised.

Honestly I think for every 10 things you do, she already ignore the 6 bads, maybe nag u for the 1 bad and then the 3 goods probably 2 neutral (that you should be doing anyway) and 1 remember in her heart. Don't say doesn't mean don't appreciate. I do appreciate my husband putting in spare toilet rolls in the toilets (I just thought that was what he likes doing too). How often do you give your wife credit for the things she did? Did she ask you for credit? Sometimes you probably won't noticed them too, unless she mentioned.

How do you expect your wife to understand you if you are always shutting her up with endless "sorries"? It is like the equivalent of "I don't wish to discuss this anymore.", "Whatever, it is ALWAYS my fault." How do those sound to you? Very passive-aggressive, ain't it? Not sure if you did them subconsciously, but you should try to open up more to your wife.

So what if I get the sticks... I will just try to do it better. Or if I feel is not my fault, I playfully argued back... never too big an issue to become a big quarrel (not like we are cheating on each other).

Last night, i told her that my biggest problem is over-dependant of her. I always expect her to make decisions. Be it where to eat, where to go, what to do. I kept wondering why and i think is because i dont want to get scolded for nothing. Many times, i will get it from her when i propose to eat A. Her reply will be, "Dont you know that i am having a cough and i cannot get that". So whatever i do/say, will get it either left or right. Therefore, i get lazy and avoid conflict, i will let her make the decision. This make me forget what she likes to eat, do or go. This also increase our conflict as i no longer understand her.

I told her that i will try not to depend on her in future for decision-making. I might be more confidence if i start to take charge and make decision. This will in turn reduce the conflict and make me understand her more.

At times, when you are at the bottom of the pit, you really need someone to boast your morale with some credits. I understand that my wife does more than me but in me, i am walking in circles that i cannot get out. Therefore, some kind words and credits from her will really work.

 

[Frankie13]

Agreed with schomp5
When come to argument, is not about who's the one apologising. But more of communication in the fault, and better, way to prevent it. When there are 10 things our partner do, 7 are good, and 3 are bad, we will only say about the bad things. But doesn't mean we don't know or unaware of the good things. We just keep it to heart, which is a kind of 'sweetness' to us.
It's the same when both are in the argument, will say each other bad things out. None (or very rare) will say about the good things during a heat up argument.

I really think that we are lacking in communication. So far, it is always one-way communication where she talks and i listen, when she scold me and i keep quiet. I tend to keep it to myself no matter how hurt i am.

As she is a quick temper person, she flare up easily and said all those hurtful words which i cannot accept and get hurt. After telling her a few times, i decided to keep quiet and bottled up as i dont see the point of talking as the result will be the same.

 

[JL8118]

I think you need communicate more.
Every woman like their partner to communicate with them.
Even for small small things... Be it about work, life anything
You already know that it lies with communication, so go for it...

 

[Frankie13]

I think you need communicate more.
Every woman like their partner to communicate with them.
Even for small small things... Be it about work, life anything
You already know that it lies with communication, so go for it...

Yes, i will try to do so........eventually, i want to see our son grow up and live as one happy family.

 

[havingfaithh]

Hi Frankie, i suggest that u could see a counsellor to help you with this issues. With the ongoing stresses at home, you need a consistent support for yourself since you are not getting the support at home. Perhaps can even suggest marriage counselling so that you and your Wife can reconcile on the issues that have been affecting the marriage. It’s not easy having to go through a marriage where you don’t feel loved and appreciated, and I’m guessing that your wife has her own struggles in this marriage too - so please seek help soon, not only for your sake but for your son’s sake

 

[Frankie13]

Hi Frankie, i suggest that u could see a counsellor to help you with this issues. With the ongoing stresses at home, you need a consistent support for yourself since you are not getting the support at home. Perhaps can even suggest marriage counselling so that you and your Wife can reconcile on the issues that have been affecting the marriage. It’s not easy having to go through a marriage where you don’t feel loved and appreciated, and I’m guessing that your wife has her own struggles in this marriage too - so please seek help soon, not only for your sake but for your son’s sake

My wife's view is that all the problems i am having now must be solved by myself. I must find out the problems and solve it myself. Of course she is willing to support me.

I just want her to be patience with you but......sigh.....

 

[JL8118]

My wife's view is that all the problems i am having now must be solved by myself. I must find out the problems and solve it myself. Of course she is willing to support me.

I just want her to be patience with you but......sigh.....

Well, the problem is with you... As you are always thinking negative... Hence you need to correct your mindset first.
Like what havingfaithh mentioned, can go for counselling. To cope with your thoughts/feeling

 

[Frankie13]

Well, the problem is with you... As you are always thinking negative... Hence you need to correct your mindset first.
Like what havingfaithh mentioned, can go for counselling. To cope with your thoughts/feeling

Yes, i am always very negative. I am trying to correct my mindset and stay positive. It is always 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
Once my wife starts to reprimand me on small little things, i will start to feel that she is against me and picking on me again.
I will then retreat again.

This keep going on and on.........i really wonder how to change my mindset.

 

[DonLee]

Hi Frankie,
After reading, can say that it's mainly your negative thinking that is causing the issue.
You need to come out from this negative thinking before things can get better.
If this continue on, frankly speaking, your marriage may even get affected by it, and may result in having other bad behaviour (like abusive etc), or worst, may end up having divorce.
No one can help you now as this is mainly about your thoughts. Think of positive things, be it for yourself, or between your wife and you. Do some other hobbies, to divert your negative thoughts too.
Do it now, before it's too late...

 

[gohalison]

Hi,

1) Can I chk if you have seen a doc with regards to your hearing issues?
If yes what did doc say and recommend?
If not yet, may I ask what are your hesitations?
All of us are responsible for our own health, if you are afraid of high bills, you can go to polyclinic to get referral

2) May I know what is your psychiatrist’s suggestion on the part whereby you wallow in ‘self pity mode’, what is his/her suggestion to you so that you can help yourself to feel better?
Did he/she prescribe you with any medications?
Since your wife went in with you, did the psychiatrist offer any suggestions to your wife on how to ‘better support’ you and give any suggestions on how to improve your marriage?
Of course he/she might not offer the best advice when it comes to marriage, but i’m sure they are trained in some way on how to help couples have better understanding of each other etc..

 

[Frankie13]

Hi Frankie,
After reading, can say that it's mainly your negative thinking that is causing the issue.
You need to come out from this negative thinking before things can get better.
If this continue on, frankly speaking, your marriage may even get affected by it, and may result in having other bad behaviour (like abusive etc), or worst, may end up having divorce.
No one can help you now as this is mainly about your thoughts. Think of positive things, be it for yourself, or between your wife and you. Do some other hobbies, to divert your negative thoughts too.
Do it now, before it's too late...

Hi,

I fully agree is my negative thoughts that is creating all the issues. I tend to be weak mentally as everything is life has been smooth sailing till now. Therefore, when things get tough or busy, especially with the baby, i have lesser time for myself.

I had a good talk with my wife over the weekend and i am sure we have ironed out many issues and she has been very supportive. Therefore, we are sure that we can walk out of this low period.

On the other hand, i think that this "tough" time is good for us as it will strengthen our relationship. It might also be a test from someone up above. I will stay strong and tide this over.

 

[Frankie13]

Hi,

1) Can I chk if you have seen a doc with regards to your hearing issues?
If yes what did doc say and recommend?
If not yet, may I ask what are your hesitations?
All of us are responsible for our own health, if you are afraid of high bills, you can go to polyclinic to get referral

2) May I know what is your psychiatrist’s suggestion on the part whereby you wallow in ‘self pity mode’, what is his/her suggestion to you so that you can help yourself to feel better?
Did he/she prescribe you with any medications?
Since your wife went in with you, did the psychiatrist offer any suggestions to your wife on how to ‘better support’ you and give any suggestions on how to improve your marriage?
Of course he/she might not offer the best advice when it comes to marriage, but i’m sure they are trained in some way on how to help couples have better understanding of each other etc..

Hi,

1. I have not seen a doctor yet. The only reason not going is purely not finding time for it. I think is also the concern of finding out that i have a hearing issue and need to put on the hearing aid.

2. The psychiatrist thinks that it might be a childhood incident that causes this. She believes that most of the problems tend to lie with some incidents during our childhood. Our character and behaviour started to mold during the childhood time.
I just went for 1 session and both my wife and i decided not to continue after our talk over the weekend. But we are keeping the option open if there is a need for it.

 

[Eppy]

Hi,

1. I have not seen a doctor yet. The only reason not going is purely not finding time for it. I think is also the concern of finding out that i have a hearing issue and need to put on the hearing aid.

2. The psychiatrist thinks that it might be a childhood incident that causes this. She believes that most of the problems tend to lie with some incidents during our childhood. Our character and behaviour started to mold during the childhood time.
I just went for 1 session and both my wife and i decided not to continue after our talk over the weekend. But we are keeping the option open if there is a need for it.

I have a different opinion. Yes you are negative with thoughts, you you are in self pity mode n yes it could be a child hood incident that trigger it, but i also think your wife is too harsh on you.

As a woman, sometimes our words are harsh but it meant well. But why does she needs to reprimand you? I think it’s the tone that she use. If it’s the hearing problem, then write down or set alarm or otherwise. You are afraid of your wife and that’s the scary part. I think she needs to change her tone or ways to handle you.
You have a son n he will pick it up n assume that’s how a family live. Mother scolding Father, this is the tone how a wife speaks to the husband, this is how the husband should react when the wife scolds him.
Both you n your wife need to change, she needs to know you are the man in the family, yes you have your flaws however she needs to know how to respect you in a more “humane” way besides scolding or reprimanding. If she did it to you, i believe the same it’s done to your son.

 

[Eppy]

To add on, you need to see a psychologist not a psychiatrist.

 

[Mongkok]

Your wife is yearning u to lead this marriage. She is trying to wake u up (in a wrong way).

She reprimanded u. U aren't aggressive (that's good). Neither u defend (not good). She tries, unfairly (I think she knows), to push u to the edge hoping u can show her a limit (b a man) and defend. U didn't. That make her really pissed. To her is 'how can u b a good father/ husband, if u don't even know when it crosses the line and fight back? You don't fight bk, then how to fight for her/ your son's happiness?

So pls, beside seeing counsellors, psychologists, etc, do a constant check on your mental self.

Stay focus. In life, anyone can blame u on any wrong doings. But u hv got to identify who/what/how it went wrong. Thereafter speak up and identify how u will solve or prevent it.

Remember, we are only a chess piece of the board game (life). how can any wrong b only on one self if u are only part of the game?

Hence, regard all wrongs are first caused by *situation. nothing on yourself. Unless the wrong is clearly yours (after u hv assessed it all angles), only then u claim it.
*situation:
- hearing problem is considered situation. It's a condition u hv and that the ear happens to b on your face.
- Childhood trauma is a situation. U r only a being who gets affected from that situation.
Understand?

As for her unreasonableness (in your context), set threshold. once she crosses that, learn to ignore. Then repeat above.

 

[Frankie13]

I have a different opinion. Yes you are negative with thoughts, you you are in self pity mode n yes it could be a child hood incident that trigger it, but i also think your wife is too harsh on you.

As a woman, sometimes our words are harsh but it meant well. But why does she needs to reprimand you? I think it’s the tone that she use. If it’s the hearing problem, then write down or set alarm or otherwise. You are afraid of your wife and that’s the scary part. I think she needs to change her tone or ways to handle you.
You have a son n he will pick it up n assume that’s how a family live. Mother scolding Father, this is the tone how a wife speaks to the husband, this is how the husband should react when the wife scolds him.
Both you n your wife need to change, she needs to know you are the man in the family, yes you have your flaws however she needs to know how to respect you in a more “humane” way besides scolding or reprimanding. If she did it to you, i believe the same it’s done to your son.

My wife knows that she has a quick-temper and she flares up very easily and says things that might not sound good. Even though i know she might not mean it but once the words are out, it will feel bad in you no matter what.
This accumulate in me and thus making me feel that she is picking up on me.

Deep in me, i know that she is a very good wife and mother to our son. I keep trying to suppress the negative emotions on me. I have no friends or family members to share me, therefore, i just bottled them up.

I am trying to think the happy moments we had before and to be positive too.

 

[Frankie13]

Your wife is yearning u to lead this marriage. She is trying to wake u up (in a wrong way).

She reprimanded u. U aren't aggressive (that's good). Neither u defend (not good). She tries, unfairly (I think she knows), to push u to the edge hoping u can show her a limit (b a man) and defend. U didn't. That make her really pissed. To her is 'how can u b a good father/ husband, if u don't even know when it crosses the line and fight back? You don't fight bk, then how to fight for her/ your son's happiness?

So pls, beside seeing counsellors, psychologists, etc, do a constant check on your mental self.

Stay focus. In life, anyone can blame u on any wrong doings. But u hv got to identify who/what/how it went wrong. Thereafter speak up and identify how u will solve or prevent it.

Remember, we are only a chess piece of the board game (life). how can any wrong b only on one self if u are only part of the game?

Hence, regard all wrongs are first caused by *situation. nothing on yourself. Unless the wrong is clearly yours (after u hv assessed it all angles), only then u claim it.
*situation:
- hearing problem is considered situation. It's a condition u hv and that the ear happens to b on your face.
- Childhood trauma is a situation. U r only a being who gets affected from that situation.
Understand?

As for her unreasonableness (in your context), set threshold. once she crosses that, learn to ignore. Then repeat above.

Many times, i choose to keep quiet as i hated argument. I see too much of this when i am young between my parents. My wife feels argument is good as we share our thoughts with each other through this channel but i think otherwise. I know once we get into argument, regardless of the outcome, i will be the one to give in and comfort her and say "sorry".

Sigh....i always hear that men should be more considerate....men must remember the hardship a wife goes through pregency. Once all these are said out, what can a man say......................

this is the reason why i choose to keep quiet. Cos no matter what, i still "lose" out.....................

 

[Eppy]

My wife knows that she has a quick-temper and she flares up very easily and says things that might not sound good. Even though i know she might not mean it but once the words are out, it will feel bad in you no matter what.
This accumulate in me and thus making me feel that she is picking up on me.

Deep in me, i know that she is a very good wife and mother to our son. I keep trying to suppress the negative emotions on me. I have no friends or family members to share me, therefore, i just bottled them up.

I am trying to think the happy moments we had before and to be positive too.

You need to differentiate between respect for you n she being a good wife n mum.
i.e a mother who disciplines a child harshly is not a mum who don’t love the child or is a bad mum.
Another example, the father who made the child kneel down in the carpark, nobody said the father does not love the child, it is the method used is not acceptable.
Similarly, it goes the same to you- Her being a good mum n wife cannot offset her showing no respect to you.
It’s her duty to be a good wife n mum and it’s also her duty to talk to you in a better tone.

She has to change too.

Each emotion have a trigger.

Both have to work on it.

Do you feel negative at work?

 

[Frankie13]

You need to differentiate between respect for you n she being a good wife n mum.
i.e a mother who disciplines a child harshly is not a mum who don’t love the child or is a bad mum.
Another example, the father who made the child kneel down in the carpark, nobody said the father does not love the child, it is the method used is not acceptable.
Similarly, it goes the same to you- Her being a good mum n wife cannot offset her showing no respect to you.
It’s her duty to be a good wife n mum and it’s also her duty to talk to you in a better tone.

She has to change too.

Each emotion have a trigger.

Both have to work on it.

Do you feel negative at work?

I dont feel negative at work.......

i feel "happy" at home but very empty deep in me........whenever i play with my son, i am happy but that happiness goes away immediately after i am not with him. I dont know why.......

i can be happy chatting with you now but i will turn "moody" after that......like zombie with no feeling and empty in me.......

i used to be a very happy-go-lucky person. I dont really care about many things in life, i am confidence in myself......but now, i lose that confidence in me.....i am worry about losing my job, my family, my marriage.......there is too much of negative thoughts in me......at times, it seems that there is a beast in me that trying to break out of me.......i thought of smashing things on the wall and let it all out.......

 

[Eppy]

I dont feel negative at work.......

i feel "happy" at home but very empty deep in me........whenever i play with my son, i am happy but that happiness goes away immediately after i am not with him. I dont know why.......

i can be happy chatting with you now but i will turn "moody" after that......like zombie with no feeling and empty in me.......

i used to be a very happy-go-lucky person. I dont really care about many things in life, i am confidence in myself......but now, i lose that confidence in me.....i am worry about losing my job, my family, my marriage.......there is too much of negative thoughts in me......at times, it seems that there is a beast in me that trying to break out of me.......i thought of smashing things on the wall and let it all out.......

you are in depression or anxiety lea, think you need to a psychologist if medication is required then go to a psychiatrist for meds.

 

[Njkaki]

Bro, you got to man up. If you are feeling to pessimistic, one good way will be to exercise. It helps with depression and also boost your self confidence. If you require any help, feel free to pm me. Always willing to hear you out.

 

[colormebeautiful]

I dont feel negative at work.......

i feel "happy" at home but very empty deep in me........whenever i play with my son, i am happy but that happiness goes away immediately after i am not with him. I dont know why.......

i can be happy chatting with you now but i will turn "moody" after that......like zombie with no feeling and empty in me.......

i used to be a very happy-go-lucky person. I dont really care about many things in life, i am confidence in myself......but now, i lose that confidence in me.....i am worry about losing my job, my family, my marriage.......there is too much of negative thoughts in me......at times, it seems that there is a beast in me that trying to break out of me.......i thought of smashing things on the wall and let it all out.......

The consequences of being suppressed feelings for too long....

Ur wife must acknowledge that you have an depression/anxiety issue n help out along with it....

 

[Neuro Brain Training]

Many times, i choose to keep quiet as i hated argument. I see too much of this when i am young between my parents. My wife feels argument is good as we share our thoughts with each other through this channel but i think otherwise. I know once we get into argument, regardless of the outcome, i will be the one to give in and comfort her and say "sorry".

Sigh....i always hear that men should be more considerate....men must remember the hardship a wife goes through pregency. Once all these are said out, what can a man say......................

this is the reason why i choose to keep quiet. Cos no matter what, i still "lose" out.....................

Hi Frankie13,

I believe you are not the only person feeling this way as many couples face this problem in their marriage. Ask any married couple and I am sure they have a naggy wife at home.

It tends to be true that as a result of not 'liking' what your wife says, you will eventually 'filter' out the things she says unconsciously. This happens to many sons and husbands. You are not alone. Your brain automatically blocks the things you do not like to hear. Also, some people fare badly when their attention is divided, so multitasking is difficult in some cases e.g. in this case, doing household chores and listening to your wife.

For me, I always believe in 'me' time. I need to do things I enjoy and even if it means some quiet time at the coffeeshop drinking a cup of tea. It does not have to be long but something that makes me happy or recharging for me. Also, sometimes when there is no target in life, you may feel some emptiness. Why not pick up a sport e.g. jogging or a hobby?

There is no one in the world who knows ourselves better than us. So, there is no other person who can love ourselves more than us. Love yourself, accept your weaknesses and know your strength. Life is about choices. If you choose to be happy, you stay happy, If you perceive the situation negatively, negative emotions have a spiral effect and they bring you to the bottom. If you let the negative emotions consume you, you suffer and your family suffers. Be positive! Life is a gift and we only have liited time on this earth, so let's spend time in being happy!

You know the problem and also the answer, It is impossible to change the wife, so changing your perception of how you see things maybe helpful. Count your blessings and not misfortunes. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. All the best to you!

 

[Frankie13]

Hi Frankie13,

I believe you are not the only person feeling this way as many couples face this problem in their marriage. Ask any married couple and I am sure they have a naggy wife at home.

It tends to be true that as a result of not 'liking' what your wife says, you will eventually 'filter' out the things she says unconsciously. This happens to many sons and husbands. You are not alone. Your brain automatically blocks the things you do not like to hear. Also, some people fare badly when their attention is divided, so multitasking is difficult in some cases e.g. in this case, doing household chores and listening to your wife.

For me, I always believe in 'me' time. I need to do things I enjoy and even if it means some quiet time at the coffeeshop drinking a cup of tea. It does not have to be long but something that makes me happy or recharging for me. Also, sometimes when there is no target in life, you may feel some emptiness. Why not pick up a sport e.g. jogging or a hobby?

There is no one in the world who knows ourselves better than us. So, there is no other person who can love ourselves more than us. Love yourself, accept your weaknesses and know your strength. Life is about choices. If you choose to be happy, you stay happy, If you perceive the situation negatively, negative emotions have a spiral effect and they bring you to the bottom. If you let the negative emotions consume you, you suffer and your family suffers. Be positive! Life is a gift and we only have liited time on this earth, so let's spend time in being happy!

You know the problem and also the answer, It is impossible to change the wife, so changing your perception of how you see things maybe helpful. Count your blessings and not misfortunes. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. All the best to you!

Thanks for sharing.

What you said is what i am feeling now. I believe subconsciously i am filtering the "bad" things that my wife is saying.

I am also lacking "me" time too. I used to have a glass of wine over the weekend but i dont do that now as i feel that i must wake up in the middle of the night to help my wife even though she said no. I also have lesser time in watching movie as times are always spend doing housework or the baby stuff. One hand i am trying to do things i want to but why should i be doing so when my wife is busy doing the same stuff too.

In me, there is always 2 sides of me fighting. i try to help but i want my "me" time too but once i see my wife getting busy too, i just try to put aside my "me" time. But i am "unwilling" to do so.........

we have a big "fight" or talk few nights back. we managed to agree on certain things and i am also happy that i speak up on what i think of her. Hopefully this will be a new start towards a better relationship.

 

[Neuro Brain Training]

You deserve a big hug for being a good husband who is sensitive towards the needs of your wife. Your wife deserves a big hug too for not asking u to wake up in the middle of the night.

I feel that you have been a good husband trying to help around and be a supportive husband. However, everyone perceives things differently, so sad to say, even though u have been trying hard, it will never be enough in the eyes of the wife.

Both of you are trying hard to adapt to a new life and baby, which is not easy. It is easy to have postnatal depression for both husband and wife. If you can get any form of help from parents to give both of you some time off on 1 night per week, it will be great. If there is no helper at home, perhaps looking at the option of getting a part-time helper can free up more time for both of you.
Less chores = less frustrations = more time = more happiness ：)

A good talk is always a good start to better relationship. I am happy that things are working out for you!

Always remember that you are not alone and all the best to you!

 

[Frankie13]

You deserve a big hug for being a good husband who is sensitive towards the needs of your wife. Your wife deserves a big hug too for not asking u to wake up in the middle of the night.

I feel that you have been a good husband trying to help around and be a supportive husband. However, everyone perceives things differently, so sad to say, even though u have been trying hard, it will never be enough in the eyes of the wife.

Both of you are trying hard to adapt to a new life and baby, which is not easy. It is easy to have postnatal depression for both husband and wife. If you can get any form of help from parents to give both of you some time off on 1 night per week, it will be great. If there is no helper at home, perhaps looking at the option of getting a part-time helper can free up more time for both of you.
Less chores = less frustrations = more time = more happiness ：)

A good talk is always a good start to better relationship. I am happy that things are working out for you!

Always remember that you are not alone and all the best to you!

Hi, thank you for the encouragement. Hopefully, things will be better now. The past few days have been good and i am sure it will get better.

 

[Stansy]

Great!

 

[MiH3288]

Hi Frankie13,

I kind of experiencing the same but not that severe. You are a good husband and father so dont give up and stay strong. Look for me if you need somebody to talk to..

 

[MiH3288]

Hi Frankie13,

I kind of experiencing the same but not that severe. You are a good husband and father so dont give up and stay strong. Look for me if you need somebody to talk to..

 

[Frankie13]

Hi Frankie13,

I kind of experiencing the same but not that severe. You are a good husband and father so dont give up and stay strong. Look for me if you need somebody to talk to..

Thank you for your support.