Fond,
Initially when I failed my IVF, I went home, hide under the blanket and sleep thru the whole day, refused to get up, refused to move, behave like zombie, inside the blanket I kept asking God, why? why? why? why so difficult? what's wrong?
Then when I failed again, I started taking sleeping pills to sleep cos anyway failed already so no need to take care of body, just wanted to escape and like life is over and useless, zombie for the next couple of days. Negotiated with god, let me have just 1, I will be grateful, just 1 and i will do anything you want.
Once I get out of that first few days, I started making enquires, started seeing other "doctors" who can give me hope, started going into internet to find out on how can increase the chances etc... and that's how I came to know about this thread. Started pulling my hubby to see chinese physicians, other doctors, urologists etc..... just wanted to find HOPE again.
All that while, I neglected someone who is silently and painfully watching all these things that I do which is my husband. He told me that with each failed cycle, he is sad too but what makes him heartache is the reaction and my response to all these failed cycle, that killed him. I only focus on TTC and he silently supported me, I wanted sperms, he gave, I wanted him to eat chinese herbs, he ate, I wanted him to see urologists and let other men touched his private, he did that too, I wanted him to inject me, he did that but he felt so useless that he cannot help me when he saw how sad and disappointed I am when I tested negative.
while I am drowning myself with sorrow, I neglected that he is having double blows, no bb and no normal and caring wife. The last cycle before I finally strike, I almost give up and told myself that it is too unfair to my hubby if I continue like this, this time if i fail again, we will still go out and eat my favourite japanese food, wine and dine instead of hiding inside blanket and be a zombie for the next few days, I told him to call KKIVF at 4pm and find out the result, if by 4:10pm, he dun call me back at all (not even sms) I will know that it is negative again and as planned we will go out dinner that night and never mention anything about it, just let life goes on. (I just cannot bear to hear another negative anymore)
I prepared myself and talked to god, okay, if it is negative, then I know you have other plans for me, maybe it is a blessing without kids, save me lots of headache and heartache for who can guaranteed that kids will grow up to be good and not badies that kill and murder.
this is a forum for you to voice out, to vent out, to exchange infor, everyone here has similar experiences, when you think you are the worst, there are others who are worst than you.
I dunno if you know a gal by the nick of angel, at my time then, she was positive twice with multiples and both times, her pregancy has to be terminated at around 20 plus weeks and she has to bury them, if you go FET support group, you should be able to find her blog and story there, really really really heart pain for the couple.
BTW try to rest more during these 2 weeks especially the 1st 5 days, ya. because it is the implantation period. I would advice to minimize movements until the 2nd week than you can go for daily short walk in the park to improve blood circulation.
