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Sharon,
do u know it is nv good to alway make hb feel bad when this might be the reason for him to drift away from u? it is usual tat guy will get excited over such show and masterbate de......how to blame him? but the impt thing is
tat dun hide things from me tat is the basic things i ask for.
miracle,
everything hv a danger side and risk in it de....even for people who are very traditional. even if a person who can balance things very well, they also face the danger and risk de.
do u know it is nv good to alway make hb feel bad when this might be the reason for him to drift away from u? it is usual tat guy will get excited over such show and masterbate de......how to blame him? but the impt thing is
tat dun hide things from me tat is the basic things i ask for.
miracle,
everything hv a danger side and risk in it de....even for people who are very traditional. even if a person who can balance things very well, they also face the danger and risk de.
sharon_ang
Member
so even he is doing the wrong thing, u still let him be and don't made him think he is wrong. So if he is having affair, u will still make it think it alright?
Karen,
Porn and affair are 2 differnt issue. i am ok wif watching porn wif my hb dun mean i will take his nonesense. affairs or prostitution bring in nt only emotional hurt but mayb also disease. u hv to hv a very clear line on such things.
Regret,
i nv say only porn will add colour rite? i say it can add colour and there are alway other things to add colour too. Stop misinterpreting my words.
Clear path,
I can accept watching dun mean i am willing to act ok. This is totally 2 different things. Just like if u like those action pack movie does tat mean u like to fight? Pls if ur hb is so bian tai and nt respectful to u by secretly taping down ur sex session, u should hv sue him and leave him le.
Porn and affair are 2 differnt issue. i am ok wif watching porn wif my hb dun mean i will take his nonesense. affairs or prostitution bring in nt only emotional hurt but mayb also disease. u hv to hv a very clear line on such things.
Regret,
i nv say only porn will add colour rite? i say it can add colour and there are alway other things to add colour too. Stop misinterpreting my words.
Clear path,
I can accept watching dun mean i am willing to act ok. This is totally 2 different things. Just like if u like those action pack movie does tat mean u like to fight? Pls if ur hb is so bian tai and nt respectful to u by secretly taping down ur sex session, u should hv sue him and leave him le.
Sharon,
If he is nt doing thing behind my back and then where is the wrong things? he is an adult of coz he know too much of porn is nt good and we hv common understanding on tat.
Sharon, if i can be in all this thread u think my marriage is perfect? he hv affair before, and there alot of shit i kena from him tat is why, now can i see things from 2 sides of the coins. Will u still affair is alright? which woman will?
u all hv ur sob story, i hv my share too, but juz becoz i feel watching porn is ok and u all try to shot me down? People hving a different view on things dun mean they are alien ok.
Will Regret be wat he is today if nt of the mistake he did? Will he like to cherish if he hv nt lose it?
we all go thru different things to make us who we are today. of coz people are usually more well like if they sing the same tune as the others, but then it will nt be me le......i rather lose to be well like then to lose my real self and be honest to myself.
If he is nt doing thing behind my back and then where is the wrong things? he is an adult of coz he know too much of porn is nt good and we hv common understanding on tat.
Sharon, if i can be in all this thread u think my marriage is perfect? he hv affair before, and there alot of shit i kena from him tat is why, now can i see things from 2 sides of the coins. Will u still affair is alright? which woman will?
u all hv ur sob story, i hv my share too, but juz becoz i feel watching porn is ok and u all try to shot me down? People hving a different view on things dun mean they are alien ok.
Will Regret be wat he is today if nt of the mistake he did? Will he like to cherish if he hv nt lose it?
we all go thru different things to make us who we are today. of coz people are usually more well like if they sing the same tune as the others, but then it will nt be me le......i rather lose to be well like then to lose my real self and be honest to myself.
Those who have been to porn websites will know that there are a lot of pop-ups which link to other websites such as dating / live chat sites. Here's the danger - after watching all the provocating images / videos you get excited and then this live chat box appears which tempts you to try the real thing. Instead of being an onlooker you now get a chance to participate in it. You have this thought running through - "Everyone is doing it, why can't I? Anyway nobody will know". That's how swingers club and prostitution is happening in Singapore now. One leads to another as people get more daring through this form of "education". Singapore government is already controlling these porn websites quite well but it is really impossible to stop cos when there's demand, there's bound to be supply and porn industry is a very lucrative business which men and women will sell their body and soul for it. Porn encourages perversion. We've heard news of a woman doing with her dog and got stuck, teenagers filming ladies' exposed underwear in MRTs, etc. How did these happen? Aren't they all mimicking from the porn videos? If we all can do our part to stop porn, it will definitely help. No demand no supply.
The extend of perversion has increased over the years as well. Last time there are not so many counts of rape cases. Now so much violence is involved. Just 3 years ago, a 6 year olf girl was raped and murdered in a public toilet in Australia with all her bones borken. How sick was that! All just because a sicko try to act out his sex fantasy which caused death and so much grief to the family.
wasabi,
we understand no demand equal no supply....but how u gng to stop this demand when these are in the brain of human from generation downs. if this is so easy, we wont be discussing this topic here today le...
government are nt controlling much, u can go into sammyboy and see....beside introducing wat porn to watch, they are talking abt which prostitute gif better service...
we understand no demand equal no supply....but how u gng to stop this demand when these are in the brain of human from generation downs. if this is so easy, we wont be discussing this topic here today le...
government are nt controlling much, u can go into sammyboy and see....beside introducing wat porn to watch, they are talking abt which prostitute gif better service...
Wasabi,
I get wat u mean...but more rape case are report coz woman are educated enough to fight for their rightful justice nt like olden times when woman who are rape are consider dirty and likely most will kill themselves instead of fighting for their rights.
there are alot of sicko people around it might be coz by watching too much porn and they no limit and control thus lose their sane...tat is y i say too much it nv good.
I get wat u mean...but more rape case are report coz woman are educated enough to fight for their rightful justice nt like olden times when woman who are rape are consider dirty and likely most will kill themselves instead of fighting for their rights.
there are alot of sicko people around it might be coz by watching too much porn and they no limit and control thus lose their sane...tat is y i say too much it nv good.
Yes, last time women not so educated so they rather suffer in silence. But at least they still have a chance to live although it's a miserable one. I'm talking about the extend of violence that is involved now.
Sammyboy existed long time ago (close to 20 years??) and it started out with this guy who visited prostitutes and telling his story. It cannot be shut down because it is not under Singapore jurisdiction but America's. It may be a good source of information for the government to crack down on illegal prostitution. But trust me, the Singapore government is monitoring internet activity very closely, otherwise you would see even higher crime rates.
Australia is quite lax on pornography. You can just buy porn magazines off any newsagency stalls and there's adult programs after 7pm on TV channels. But recently, the Oz government realised the negative impact and now they are contemplating removing the adult programs totally because of the high sex crimes involving perversion. There are even soliciting advertisements on newspaper - "young busty hourglass figure, will do anything, $80/hr, your house or my house, etc..". So compared to Australia, Singapore government is already controlling this aspect well. But I do notice that there has been an increase in live chats services with provocative advertisements => increase in number of husbands straying???
Sammyboy existed long time ago (close to 20 years??) and it started out with this guy who visited prostitutes and telling his story. It cannot be shut down because it is not under Singapore jurisdiction but America's. It may be a good source of information for the government to crack down on illegal prostitution. But trust me, the Singapore government is monitoring internet activity very closely, otherwise you would see even higher crime rates.
Australia is quite lax on pornography. You can just buy porn magazines off any newsagency stalls and there's adult programs after 7pm on TV channels. But recently, the Oz government realised the negative impact and now they are contemplating removing the adult programs totally because of the high sex crimes involving perversion. There are even soliciting advertisements on newspaper - "young busty hourglass figure, will do anything, $80/hr, your house or my house, etc..". So compared to Australia, Singapore government is already controlling this aspect well. But I do notice that there has been an increase in live chats services with provocative advertisements => increase in number of husbands straying???
Regardless of the opinions here, hope ladies here won't forget that husbands are grown men and that we're the ones who chose them too.. We could have always chose a man who doesn't watch porn right (someone like regretted)? But married liao, so no choice also.. =X
Well, it's fact that we will not put "child safety surfing" or "parent security" just to bar or restrict hubby from watching porn (he's not a child after all but if u will, just for your hubby, got nothing more to say liao ^.^).. LOL.. It'll be kinda funny if we did that la..
Anyway, the more we condemn and degrade them, the more we lose out on the relationship itself (regardless of something as major as watching porn or not bringing enough bread home or something as minor as not looking after the kids after work or doing housechores.. etc)
How about doing something he really likes to lure him away from the "evil porn"? Instead of saying no, no & no.. He's not a child who has to listen.. The more we "control" or "nag" (can't think of better words liao), the further he goes.. We're all afraid of the temptations this "evil" brings but I'm also fairly sure we all don't want our marriages to end due to only watching porn (watching only hor.. not talking about affairs.. Temptation is grey area cos, well, it's his own line which u also cannot control..) also la.. If u are someone who would leave your hubby only because of him watching porn, I salute u liao la.. *Win hands down*
Disclaimer : no offense intended.. Please don't shoot me.. Sorry for my long post.. This thread is just so interesting.. xD
Well, it's fact that we will not put "child safety surfing" or "parent security" just to bar or restrict hubby from watching porn (he's not a child after all but if u will, just for your hubby, got nothing more to say liao ^.^).. LOL.. It'll be kinda funny if we did that la..
Anyway, the more we condemn and degrade them, the more we lose out on the relationship itself (regardless of something as major as watching porn or not bringing enough bread home or something as minor as not looking after the kids after work or doing housechores.. etc)
How about doing something he really likes to lure him away from the "evil porn"? Instead of saying no, no & no.. He's not a child who has to listen.. The more we "control" or "nag" (can't think of better words liao), the further he goes.. We're all afraid of the temptations this "evil" brings but I'm also fairly sure we all don't want our marriages to end due to only watching porn (watching only hor.. not talking about affairs.. Temptation is grey area cos, well, it's his own line which u also cannot control..) also la.. If u are someone who would leave your hubby only because of him watching porn, I salute u liao la.. *Win hands down*
Disclaimer : no offense intended.. Please don't shoot me.. Sorry for my long post.. This thread is just so interesting.. xD
I have been reading this thread since it started but I never dreamt that I will be posting on it one day.
I used to think watching porn is ok so long one is not addicted to it. My husband watches it, I knew but did not do anything to stop him. Now, I am wondering whether I did the wrong thing. There were 2 ocassions that he destroyed all the porn movies (dvds at that time) when he was very down over his career. I was happy but that did not last too long. He was on it again.
One day, I was using his computer and found a clip which should not be there. I was very hurt and disappointed. He realised something was not right with me and asked what happened. I told him what I saw and he just walk off. Can you imagine how sad I was! I had expected him to apologise, tell me that he will delete the pictures immediately and never to do it again. But no, nothing was said. Instead, he looked annoyed, as it I am the one in the wrong, meddling with his computer and opening up the files.
I couldn't sleep at all. All I wanted was a word of apology and a promise. Am I asking for too much??? I really dunno what I should be doing now. I had always trusted him, now he destroyed all my trust in him. He was my first and my last bf. Known him for almost 20 years and we are married for 10 yrs. I always thought that I am very fortunate to have a loving husband, although we do quarrel once in a while.
Sorry for this long post but I think I will go crazy if I do not vent it out.
I used to think watching porn is ok so long one is not addicted to it. My husband watches it, I knew but did not do anything to stop him. Now, I am wondering whether I did the wrong thing. There were 2 ocassions that he destroyed all the porn movies (dvds at that time) when he was very down over his career. I was happy but that did not last too long. He was on it again.
One day, I was using his computer and found a clip which should not be there. I was very hurt and disappointed. He realised something was not right with me and asked what happened. I told him what I saw and he just walk off. Can you imagine how sad I was! I had expected him to apologise, tell me that he will delete the pictures immediately and never to do it again. But no, nothing was said. Instead, he looked annoyed, as it I am the one in the wrong, meddling with his computer and opening up the files.
I couldn't sleep at all. All I wanted was a word of apology and a promise. Am I asking for too much??? I really dunno what I should be doing now. I had always trusted him, now he destroyed all my trust in him. He was my first and my last bf. Known him for almost 20 years and we are married for 10 yrs. I always thought that I am very fortunate to have a loving husband, although we do quarrel once in a while.
Sorry for this long post but I think I will go crazy if I do not vent it out.
gcherny
Member
hi sadmummy. ur case is not as bad as mine. me & my hubby were married for 10yrs. when we stayed together in our new apt back in 2000 & bought a PC, i hv signed up for internet access with restriction to those sites. hubby was angry & i hv no choice but to switch to non-restricted access. he claimed that surfing porns is to heighten our sexual pleasure.
that's not all, few yrs later, he got into downloading free videos & even excited over edison's case & liu jia ling's rape. since day 1, i've been telling him that i dont like him surfing porns but got scolded by him each time we talked abt this issue. so i put up lor!
until last yr, i chanced upon his facebook account (he didnt tell me that he has a facebook acc) & saw some young pretty ladies as his "friends" (who he has never met) and even tell one of them "straight from my heart, you look pretty sweet". my heart crashed! i confronted him & he deactivated the account in my presence. told him that i'll check the internet logs. hubby took leave the next day morning & deleted all other accounts which i cant even see what are the messages therein. i get to know cos i check the internet log & asked him why he logged on to internet for the whole morning. he then confessed to me he was deleting other accounts - yahoo, hotmail, etc & deleting all the porns materials from the laptop (but saved some in his thumbdrive).
taking this opportunity, i laid my terms, i.e. he's not to login to internet unless in my presence. for the past 6mths, he has not logging to internet. office's internet got firewall & cant access xxx sites & personal email. dont know how long this can last.
that's not all, few yrs later, he got into downloading free videos & even excited over edison's case & liu jia ling's rape. since day 1, i've been telling him that i dont like him surfing porns but got scolded by him each time we talked abt this issue. so i put up lor!
until last yr, i chanced upon his facebook account (he didnt tell me that he has a facebook acc) & saw some young pretty ladies as his "friends" (who he has never met) and even tell one of them "straight from my heart, you look pretty sweet". my heart crashed! i confronted him & he deactivated the account in my presence. told him that i'll check the internet logs. hubby took leave the next day morning & deleted all other accounts which i cant even see what are the messages therein. i get to know cos i check the internet log & asked him why he logged on to internet for the whole morning. he then confessed to me he was deleting other accounts - yahoo, hotmail, etc & deleting all the porns materials from the laptop (but saved some in his thumbdrive).
taking this opportunity, i laid my terms, i.e. he's not to login to internet unless in my presence. for the past 6mths, he has not logging to internet. office's internet got firewall & cant access xxx sites & personal email. dont know how long this can last.
Pearly,
I agree with what you have said, despite the majority here disagreeing with your views.
Yes, pornography is wrong, but to equalise it to having an affair is even more wrong. Men are visually stimulated beings so to many, watching porn is only a form of entertainment and doesn't mean it will lead to adultery, just like watching gore/violent shows (doesn't mean we want to go out and kill people).
As mentioned above, your husbands are all grown-ups and if wives keep treating them like little kids and making a big fuss after finding out what they were watching instead of sitting down and discussing neutrally and calmly, it could cause more harm to the marriage than porn itself.
A good method, as highlighted above too, is to distract your men with other activities, like gaming, sports (badminton, jogging, swimming), going out to natural places (parks, picnics). When excess energies are being expended and new hobbies/interests are formed, it's less likely that your men would surf porn. It would then a win-win situation for all, doesn't it?
I'm a man anyway.
I agree with what you have said, despite the majority here disagreeing with your views.
Yes, pornography is wrong, but to equalise it to having an affair is even more wrong. Men are visually stimulated beings so to many, watching porn is only a form of entertainment and doesn't mean it will lead to adultery, just like watching gore/violent shows (doesn't mean we want to go out and kill people).
As mentioned above, your husbands are all grown-ups and if wives keep treating them like little kids and making a big fuss after finding out what they were watching instead of sitting down and discussing neutrally and calmly, it could cause more harm to the marriage than porn itself.
A good method, as highlighted above too, is to distract your men with other activities, like gaming, sports (badminton, jogging, swimming), going out to natural places (parks, picnics). When excess energies are being expended and new hobbies/interests are formed, it's less likely that your men would surf porn. It would then a win-win situation for all, doesn't it?
I'm a man anyway.
Hi dragon,
I agree sitting down to sort it out together. But the thing is, he doesn't even want to talk. He will come back late at night, sleep in another room and leave early in the morning. How to talk??? In the 1st place, I did not scold or shout at him. Only told him my feelings, was that wrong? Really feel very very sad. We had booked a holiday in June but now, i dunno whether we can still go ahead with that.
I agree sitting down to sort it out together. But the thing is, he doesn't even want to talk. He will come back late at night, sleep in another room and leave early in the morning. How to talk??? In the 1st place, I did not scold or shout at him. Only told him my feelings, was that wrong? Really feel very very sad. We had booked a holiday in June but now, i dunno whether we can still go ahead with that.
hi Charlotte,
This is what my hubby does! Lol.. This is to cut me some slack..
It's not about spicing up our intimacy or whatsoever but looking after a home and baby has really wore me down.. Somehow a guy's sex drive remains the same as their younger days.. I think it's a very understanding hubby of mine that he doesn't pressurize me for it.. I'd feel guilty telling him the same answer most of the time anyway.. It's kinda nice to know that he is <u>willing</u> to DIY rather than eat outside, keep asking & asking for it and me saying "honey, not today, I'm tired" everytime.. But I have confidence that he would be more than willing if I wanted.. xD Most men would still choose a real life aggressive woman than porn.. haha..
Wife don't want intimacy doesn't mean hubby cannot have also.. But can we match our hubby's sex drive after all these changes? If you can, especially after baby, then something is wrong in your relationship itself liao.. Has nothing to do with porn or DIY liao..
Disclaimer : No offense intended
This is what my hubby does! Lol.. This is to cut me some slack..
It's not about spicing up our intimacy or whatsoever but looking after a home and baby has really wore me down.. Somehow a guy's sex drive remains the same as their younger days.. I think it's a very understanding hubby of mine that he doesn't pressurize me for it.. I'd feel guilty telling him the same answer most of the time anyway.. It's kinda nice to know that he is <u>willing</u> to DIY rather than eat outside, keep asking & asking for it and me saying "honey, not today, I'm tired" everytime.. But I have confidence that he would be more than willing if I wanted.. xD Most men would still choose a real life aggressive woman than porn.. haha..
Wife don't want intimacy doesn't mean hubby cannot have also.. But can we match our hubby's sex drive after all these changes? If you can, especially after baby, then something is wrong in your relationship itself liao.. Has nothing to do with porn or DIY liao..
Disclaimer : No offense intended
Watching porn is as good as having sex with another woman "virtually".
I know of a friend who can't have sex with her husband because of "crooked vagina" which causes a lot of pain during intercourse. She had to endure the pain just for making baby. Her husband is very understanding and will not pressurise her for sex and he doesn't turn to porn for relief either as he knows porn is wrong and showing disrespect for his wife even though she allows him to do it. This is the respect a marriage should have - what a husband should have for his wife. By the way, he's a Christian and the Bible says that looking at a woman with lustful eyes is as good as committing adultery (aka. having sex with the woman with your eyes).
What is this world becoming and how has our morals degraded to come to terms with accepting porn as alright when it is destroying so many marriages and families?
Sadmummy, your husband is obviously seriously addicted to porn and he needs to seek help. Only he can help himself if he wants to but he first needs to admit that he has a problem with porn addiction. This is the tricky part as man, due to their ego, will hardly admit their mistake, especially porn. Porn has such strong bondage on men that it is so hard to break. As I have mentioned before, it is similar to drug addiction. They may recover from it but later return for more and it's worse than before. Treatment is not overnight but over a long process. See it as an illness which needs treatment and be prepared for relapses. Are you willing to stand by him and help him overcome his addiction? If he is willing, try marriage counselling which deals specifically with porn addiction. But most important is communication. You are feeling very hurt now and most likely will end up as a one-way communication pouring out your feelings on him, so you will need to manage your emotions and be objective about what you both are going to talk about and how you are going to resolve the issue. Write down your action plan if you want to help you stay focused on the issue instead of ending up in a finger-pointing battle as the man with porn addiction will usually be very defensive.
I know of a friend who can't have sex with her husband because of "crooked vagina" which causes a lot of pain during intercourse. She had to endure the pain just for making baby. Her husband is very understanding and will not pressurise her for sex and he doesn't turn to porn for relief either as he knows porn is wrong and showing disrespect for his wife even though she allows him to do it. This is the respect a marriage should have - what a husband should have for his wife. By the way, he's a Christian and the Bible says that looking at a woman with lustful eyes is as good as committing adultery (aka. having sex with the woman with your eyes).
What is this world becoming and how has our morals degraded to come to terms with accepting porn as alright when it is destroying so many marriages and families?
Sadmummy, your husband is obviously seriously addicted to porn and he needs to seek help. Only he can help himself if he wants to but he first needs to admit that he has a problem with porn addiction. This is the tricky part as man, due to their ego, will hardly admit their mistake, especially porn. Porn has such strong bondage on men that it is so hard to break. As I have mentioned before, it is similar to drug addiction. They may recover from it but later return for more and it's worse than before. Treatment is not overnight but over a long process. See it as an illness which needs treatment and be prepared for relapses. Are you willing to stand by him and help him overcome his addiction? If he is willing, try marriage counselling which deals specifically with porn addiction. But most important is communication. You are feeling very hurt now and most likely will end up as a one-way communication pouring out your feelings on him, so you will need to manage your emotions and be objective about what you both are going to talk about and how you are going to resolve the issue. Write down your action plan if you want to help you stay focused on the issue instead of ending up in a finger-pointing battle as the man with porn addiction will usually be very defensive.
PingPing, not all Christians can uphold the Christian values and it's ironic to see that many Christians do the exact opposite of what the Bible says. Maybe this is the characteristic of the downfall of man - rebellion / ego. My friend's husband is a rare specie of man, it's really hard to find man like that nowadays because our moral values have been compromised. Broken trust requires effort from both sides to rebuild again. He must show you efforts in regaining your trust and you must give him another chance and continue to love and accept him. It is a long process but your marriage will become stronger than before. The purpose of getting married is not just about reproduction but to support your love one and help each other go through the many obstacles in life. It is tough to go through life alone as life journey is never easy, that's why we need a partner to help us get through life. See each obstacle as a training tool to help you become stronger individually and as a couple. If you can see your current situation in a different way, it will help you overcome your heartache faster and emerge as a winner and conqueror of life.
To sum it all, porn in today's society context is regarded as normal due to a paradigm shift in our moral values after being bombarded by so many sources of porn - videos / websites / prostitution / live chats, etc. all out to make money by exploiting women (even children). BUT it was never normal from the beginning of human mankind. To put it in a religious point of view, it is the devil's tool to steal, destroy and kill your life / marriage.
To sum it all, porn in today's society context is regarded as normal due to a paradigm shift in our moral values after being bombarded by so many sources of porn - videos / websites / prostitution / live chats, etc. all out to make money by exploiting women (even children). BUT it was never normal from the beginning of human mankind. To put it in a religious point of view, it is the devil's tool to steal, destroy and kill your life / marriage.
pingping
Active Member
wasabi126,
I agree with what you wrote in the last paragraph. Just because porn is common nowadays doesn't mean it's all right to watch porn. Money making is what supports a lot of vices nowadays. Moral values go down when pple focus on how to make more money, and there is a lot of deceit in this world which a lot of pple are not aware of.
I see things differently from you in terms of marriage. I understand marriage is about supporting each other through obstacles, but my husband has never done that for me emotionally during my 2 pregnancies. My heart has died when I know of his betrayal, as I hv tolerated his neglect for 5 years, and I hv seen how selfish he is. My love for him was dying slowly during the 5 yrs, as he continued to neglect me and not taking my words seriously. I believe a person can still survive alone, after what I hv went through. I simply cannot forgive someone who does not appreciate me for what I hv done for him during courtship and marriage, someone who could not uphold the responsibilities of a husband and father, someone who chooses gambling to destress himself, instead of talking to me. He got addicted to gambling and I found out accidentally by glancing through his bankbook, and recent addiction to sex though he has stopped visiting prostitutes now.
I hv always been communicating to him but he is the one who thinks communication is unnecessary. I didn't handle my marriage well either, hence the failure. Living with someone who cares abt his needs first, and think the things he do for me is good enough to sustain the marriage. Ignoring my feelings, despite communicating to him nicely over many occasions. I was taken for granted many times and I am tired of pleading him to listen to me. There is a time frame for the marriage to be repaired, when the chance is gone and my heart has died, there is no way that it is going to be revived.
I treat him as a provider and father to my 2 kids, and nothing else. It took sometime to accept the fact that he has betrayed me and I hv to live with it for the sake of my 2 kids. Only time can heal my emotional pain but the scars will always be there til the day I die. I no longer cared for him, and I feel much better than those 5 yrs. We are just 2 individuals living under the same roof, fulfilling our duties as parents to our kids.
I agree with what you wrote in the last paragraph. Just because porn is common nowadays doesn't mean it's all right to watch porn. Money making is what supports a lot of vices nowadays. Moral values go down when pple focus on how to make more money, and there is a lot of deceit in this world which a lot of pple are not aware of.
I see things differently from you in terms of marriage. I understand marriage is about supporting each other through obstacles, but my husband has never done that for me emotionally during my 2 pregnancies. My heart has died when I know of his betrayal, as I hv tolerated his neglect for 5 years, and I hv seen how selfish he is. My love for him was dying slowly during the 5 yrs, as he continued to neglect me and not taking my words seriously. I believe a person can still survive alone, after what I hv went through. I simply cannot forgive someone who does not appreciate me for what I hv done for him during courtship and marriage, someone who could not uphold the responsibilities of a husband and father, someone who chooses gambling to destress himself, instead of talking to me. He got addicted to gambling and I found out accidentally by glancing through his bankbook, and recent addiction to sex though he has stopped visiting prostitutes now.
I hv always been communicating to him but he is the one who thinks communication is unnecessary. I didn't handle my marriage well either, hence the failure. Living with someone who cares abt his needs first, and think the things he do for me is good enough to sustain the marriage. Ignoring my feelings, despite communicating to him nicely over many occasions. I was taken for granted many times and I am tired of pleading him to listen to me. There is a time frame for the marriage to be repaired, when the chance is gone and my heart has died, there is no way that it is going to be revived.
I treat him as a provider and father to my 2 kids, and nothing else. It took sometime to accept the fact that he has betrayed me and I hv to live with it for the sake of my 2 kids. Only time can heal my emotional pain but the scars will always be there til the day I die. I no longer cared for him, and I feel much better than those 5 yrs. We are just 2 individuals living under the same roof, fulfilling our duties as parents to our kids.
Charlotte,
To answer your question, DIYing while watching porn may sometimes be due to the desire to have control over the activity, instead of having to do it with a partner which may require accommodating the partner's pace. Sometimes men (not sure if this applies to women too) just feel like having total control over their sexual activity.
Of course, other possibilities may include fantasy, partner is not free/in the mood, or just having sudden urges and wanting to get it over quickly.
To answer your question, DIYing while watching porn may sometimes be due to the desire to have control over the activity, instead of having to do it with a partner which may require accommodating the partner's pace. Sometimes men (not sure if this applies to women too) just feel like having total control over their sexual activity.
Of course, other possibilities may include fantasy, partner is not free/in the mood, or just having sudden urges and wanting to get it over quickly.
sadmummy,
It's indeed frustrating if our partners refuse to communicate with us, since communication is a key factor in building a strong relationship.
Men usually prefer to hide their feelings within themselves (due to ego etc) so it could be harder to get one to open up his heart. Since communication doesn't seem to be working now, let's hope having a trip together and sharing activities/interests during the trip could help strengthen your bond and hopefully let him open his heart more to you.
It's indeed frustrating if our partners refuse to communicate with us, since communication is a key factor in building a strong relationship.
Men usually prefer to hide their feelings within themselves (due to ego etc) so it could be harder to get one to open up his heart. Since communication doesn't seem to be working now, let's hope having a trip together and sharing activities/interests during the trip could help strengthen your bond and hopefully let him open his heart more to you.
PingPing, it must be really hard for you to shoulder the heavy emotional burden. Your husband seems to be under a lot of bondages - gambling & sex addiction. Has he tried to seek help for his addictions such as talking to his Church Pastor and seek counselling since he is a Christian? There should be a "break-free" ministry in church to help people overcome their addictions. Both of you have "walls" erected around you at the moment which makes communication impossible. For him, it's his addictions which blinded him and prevents him from seeing your beauty and goodness. For you, you have built emotional walls around yourself to prevent yourself from getting hurt again. This is a problem requiring professional help to mediate and get you both communicating again. There's alway hope at the end of the tunnel, please don't give up not just for the sake of your children but for yourself and your marriage. Loving someone is never easy. Try recalling your first love moments for each other and do the things that you do when you first fall in love. It's not going to be easy and you will feel awkward initially. A simple peck on the cheek, a hug or merely holding hands and looking into each other's eyes seems to be impossible now but these are what all (if not most) couples do when we first fall in love but these somehow got forgotten along the way because we all fail to commit to loving each other EVERYDAY due to other commitments - career / children / financial / temptations, etc. So, try going back to the first love moments to bring back all the sweet memories to help melt away the "walls" which shouldn't be there to deprive you of your joy in life and marriage. You may be the one to take the first steps and your husband may not reciprocate initially but persevere on. Fight for your happiness. You go girl!
vulnerable
Active Member
mummies....
just wanna encourage all of us here, to stay calm and focused when dealing w such sticky situations as sometimes its a matter of watching, and not obsessed with it.
If one is obsessed, den it will need more attn to deal w it.. lets try to be calm, perhaps, u can take a deep breath, 1-2-3, before your next sentence comes out.
Usually, when one is angry, all foul and nasty words will surface, and ultimately, both angry, nothing resolved.
jia you jia you!! go go go!
just wanna encourage all of us here, to stay calm and focused when dealing w such sticky situations as sometimes its a matter of watching, and not obsessed with it.
If one is obsessed, den it will need more attn to deal w it.. lets try to be calm, perhaps, u can take a deep breath, 1-2-3, before your next sentence comes out.
Usually, when one is angry, all foul and nasty words will surface, and ultimately, both angry, nothing resolved.
jia you jia you!! go go go!
pingping
Active Member
Read this informative website and you may change yr mind abt watching porn again.
Truth behind the fantasy of Porn
http://www.shelleylubben.com/
Truth behind the fantasy of Porn
http://www.shelleylubben.com/
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