I need to get this off my chest - MIL Issue

[jen_wong79]

Hello, there something bugging me and I need to get this off my chest. It's something to do with my MIL , so obviously I cannot discuss with my hub. My MIL is a typical Chinese MIL, a nice little lady except she suffers frm verbal diarrhea. She talks non stop whether you are listening or not. That is not as bad as it sounds, cos I don't live with her. She's house wife all her life so she is kinda disconnected frm today's society. What is bugging me is her insensitivity and constant blabber. 2 yrs ago my elder daughter arrived and my 2nd princess is arriving in June. She made it no secret that she wanted a grandson, when we broke the news to her she appeared quite displeased! Recently, she has been getting on my nerves , she kept telling me it's a must to have a 3rd kid, she assumed it WILL be a boy!! I told her countless time , NO. The hub and I are fine with 2 kids. 3 kids would be too much to handle for us. She has been the main care giver for my elder one and the younger one and recently demand we get a maid for her. Fair enough. But,I just lost my job last year, with an additional person to feed. It's really taking a toll on me and hub. She has been buying food, diapers etc for the babies. I appreaciate that a lot. I just feel it's very inconsiderate of her to think my duties as a DIL is just to give her a grandson. She thinks she is the main care giver and she provides for the babies too, I don't have to look after my kids. Easy job for me what! SHE thinks that she is mummy! She forgot the hub and i are just normal working class folks, we are not filthy rich like her other daughter. My SIL totally dotes on my hub, so she very generously helped us during this tough period. But the MIL doesn't see it this way. She speaks like we are sponging off her , so I must give her a grandson??We want a confortable lifestyle for our 2 kids, not a family who's struggling to make ends meet every mth. I mean WTF, daughters are not human too? It will totally break my girls' heart if they knew this is how their grandma sees them. She herself is a woman, i can,t take it she is belittling my daughters like that! Danmit! I'm not a naive and closed minded SAHM like her. I want to get bk to work and have a small closed knitted family. I have been putting up with her verbal shit long enough. The next time she mentioned this again, I think I'm gonna snap at her. I have problems communicating with traditional and closed minded people like her. She's been giving me nightmares at night , so much so that a lot of annimosity has been building up inside me. Each time I see her , I feel like hammering her to shut her up. How do you mummies deal with this kind of MIL?

 

[september]

What is ur hb stand on this? He shld know tat his mum want a boy rite? Let him speak to her. For u only can ren....u can alway PM if u wan a listening ears.

;-)

 

[lingling3008]

hi Jen, just like you I have a elder daughter two years ago and I'm expecting a girl in June. I guess the comment of having a third to try for a boy goes from our aunty uncles all the way to neighbours or even stranger! the key is children will be the one with us till we old, not his parent nor our parents. hence they way how I will see things is, let's be contented with the god's gift of having two daughters and ignore those sensitive comments! as for yr mil, just smile everytime she mentioned a grandson but only u and yr hub know whether u will really try for one. bottomline is, no one can force u into such thing. nice right? they can say all they want!

 

[hifive]

to have a son, it depends on your hubby. Olden days, cannot give birth, cannot have a son, they blame women. To resolve MIL issues, I felt your hubby is the rightful person to stop your MIL. No matter how harsh or rude is your hubby, it is a mother and son issue. Try not to ruin a relationship since she is taking care of your girls. You need your hubby to tell his mother, 1 to 1, you don't sit in the conversation. If your hubby tries to push his duty, it could mean he wants a son too!

 

[cleodux]

Well the whole thing about a male heir is depends on the guy, so it is not your fault, in fact if i were you, i will told her straight in the face. But she is the main care giver of your children, so i think you must tahan a bit. Unless you take care of your children yourself, then she got nothing to say.

I think your position is difficult cause no matter what, you and your hubby still need her. Other than take care she is also provided them with milk and diapers. I don't know... maybe i am from a conservative family my self. I take care my own son, i am sahm also. Only every sunday bring my son to my mil place to play. Any other day i don't allowed her to mingle too much on my business taking care my son.

Maybe is your pregnancy hormone is the one who talking. I am suggesting you start to handle your own family issue. So she can not say whatever she wants. Because she has no right too. Now the line is still not clear yet because she is still providing for your children older folks always tend to think that they have a right to say because they help you financially in a way. If you manage to find a job, put your children on childcare. Let your hubby handle his mom

Maybe i am lucky, cause my hubby always side with me against his mom lol. (probably because my reasons make more sense). My problem with MIL is she is too kaypoh, well she means good, but i can't take it if she is too meddlesome. Everyday come to my place, checking the fridge and what food for my son (i was wtf?) But that was long time ago, my son became very spoiled because of her, even until now i have a hard time to discipline him. I gave suggestion to send my son once a week to play at MIL house, and hubby agreed.

I guess every DIL have their own set of problems. I hope you manage to discuss your issue with hubby.

 

[jen_wong79]

Thanks for the listening ear, mummies. I keep telling myself it's the hormones. Haha. Thanks to my MIL 's fantastic upbringing, my hub is a total spoilt brat. And, the MIL is smart not to mention these things in front of my hub. I love to be a sahm, during my girls younger years, but I have too work in order to make ends meet. Hmmm. Cos my hub is raised by her , he totally thinks her constant nagging is fine. He's long adjusted to it. My MIL hasn't been to any formal schooling at all, thus I really can't reason with her at all. She gives me a blank look (what are you talking about) when I reason with her, which pisses me off even more. The hub thinks, since I am better educated than her, why do I harp on these? Haiz. I was thinking, since she is so obtuse , will she understand what I'm saying? Or end up annoying myself even more?

 

[tensilestrain]

I learnt from my hb, act deaf. If mil nagged at hb, he acted as if nothing happened and just carry on with his workplace. what he Anyway, most of the time,i m not sure who she is talking to.
Actually, if you are not working now, you yourself can look after your girls.

 

[taitai]

Do not complain to your HB about MIL. Full Stop.

You will end up more miserable.

Put on D best act of your life, let your HB know that you MIL is D best person in the world.

But if your MIL pisses you off, tell her how u feel on her face. Even in the presence of HB and others. Do not be ashame of what you are doing, cause you did not wrong. If she want a son, tell her, no problem, that one depend on your son's sperm whether it's strong enough. It's a fact. No need to reason "educationally" with her. Tell her cold hard straigh-forward facts. It will sink into her tiny brain.

It's no point complaining to your HB. Trust me. It will only make him more "fan", and dislike you, not his mum.

 

[miffy_ang]

My mil is like yours too. She prefers grandsons to granddaughters. When I had my girl, she asked me to go temple to pray for a son. I simply ignored her. I am lucky, my second child is a boy. But that doesn't mean she treat me any nicer when I was pregnant with my boy. And when my boy is born, she doesn't even carry him for more than 5 mins. Always saying her arms aching. Once, my girl and I were sick and I left my boy in her care for half a day (at my HB's suggestion), so that I would have some rest. And my mil called me a few days later to complain how difficult it was taking care of my boy, etc...and she complained again for another 2 times when I met her. That's it, I am not ever going to let her take care of my children ever again. She only want a grandson to carry on the family name, doesn't really care about the children or me, the dil.

If your mil bugs you again for a grandson, tell her can she help to look after the child and pay for the child? Diapers, milk powder, sch fees, etc. Ask her give you a lump sum and you will try for another kid. This will shut her up.

 

[taitai]

When people say 结婚是两个人的事 ... they dunno what they are in for after marriage.

When you have kids, you have them because you want them as a mother regardless of the gender. If pressurise by elders to have kids, and expect them to take care and love your kids. Dream on.

By right, as family they are obliged to care for your kids and love them, if they are humane. If your inlaw do not love or care for your kids, then you have to accept its a fact and no need to get upset. Don't talk or complain to your HB. It will not workk either.

Leave your inlaws aside. Do not bother them, neglect them to put it bluntly. They will feel it.

 

[dwjphoo]

I really can't forget the moment I had dinner with my hb and my in laws n she suddenly said " dun get pregnant in the yr of tiger" . It just piss me off. I ignored her n get myself pregnant in the yr of tiger. She always wanted a grandson coz my hb is the only son. ( She had 3 daughters before having my hb. ) she is that traditional. When my hb told her is a baby girl, her disappointment look really irked me!

Mayb becoz of that, my girl doesn't like her at all. She refused to greet her and will always cry for me or my hb whenever she wanted to carry her. And I can feel my mil dun dote my girl. I can understand that.

 

[miffy_ang]

Mrs Tan,
My girl behaves the same as your girl. Its as if they Know who like them and who doesn't. Even now my girl is older, she will says she doesn't want to go ah ma house when she knows we are heading there. Then my hb will grumble say its becos we seldom go there (1-2 times a mth only), that's why my girl not close to his mum. I just keep quiet, don't want to argue with him.
Who will like a grandma that pushes her to others when carrying her for less than 5 mins when she is a baby? Rarely play with her or try to talk to her when we at her hse? Doesn't even bother to cook her baby food? (I have to always cook and bring the food over to mil hse) Complains when the sil buys her clothings? And my mil still dare to say why my girl refuses to take photo with her!

 

[miffy_ang]

Taitai,
ya I have to accept my mil behaving this way, wanting grandkids but doesn't really care or love them. But sometimes I really feel so sorry for my kids for having such a grandma. I see other grandparents keep carrying their grandkids, play with them, buy toys for them. Luckily, my kids have my own parents to dote on them. They are great grandparents to them.

And I agreed with you its useless complaining to hb. I tried it once when I wouldn't stand it (my mil loves to nag at me, finds fault with me) and my hb shouted back at me that its his mother. But I will still make comments as and when...to remind him I dislike his mother, so that he will remember that it is impossible for his mum to come to live with us in the future

 

[sarah]

Actually... I think the best way to "manage" her is to behave the best dil in the world. My mil likes to compare all her dils. She will talk bad abt my sils infront of me and vice versa. And she has also been hinting to me abt havin more children. And trust me, she's e nastiest mil ive ever met (hahah). My take is just to agree w her and nod your head. Don't say too much and let your hb handle her. She will eventually get e hint over time. My mil doesn't reproach me anymore. She knows indirectly tat I dont give a damn and she has no say in my life. My hb thinks I'm nice to my mil and he appreciates me more as a wife.

 

[taitai]

Sarah, I totally agree with you.

I think evil MIL just wanna sow discord between HB and wife. They are born evil and sync this way. But when she learn that she's not stirring shit between HB n wifey, she will know that she is the biggest loser and F*** off.

With such evilness ... y would I want my kids to be close to the MILs?

Leave them alone and they will retreat to their dark caves, and you will see the light as the beautiful queen who have kids to love.

 

[toblerone]

26 May 2013, 新明日报

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To be honest, I have seen mother, insisting son/daughter to divorce.

家翁家婆不喜欢媳妇的有很多。岳父岳母讨厌女婿的也有不少！

 

[wendysu]

Some use tactic to create havoc to their children marriage hoping that this will make them divorce.

I just don't understand why so heartless.

 

[antzs76]

I want to share.. I have 2 girls and I live with my pil
Though I appreciate how they care for the kids but frankly .. It seem whatever we do or said, they will tend to give their points as well.

For example:
1) I prefer the two girls to sleep with me at night but mil insist that they should sleep with them.
2) tours: somehow or rather have to include them. Seem to me no family trip of 4.
3) husband & wife quarrel : they intercept
4) cannot talk back to mil
5) movement tracking

At times I really really wish to have my own house..where I can let my girls do whatever they like.. But that will only be in my Dream.

Sigh

 

[cheeksymummy]

Ant dream, any considerations about having your own house soon? I think it will be a better option since you already have 2 girls, gotta have some personal space for the family and leave one peace between you and in laws.

 

[away]

jen
as always, relationships with in-laws are always tacky. i would tell my hb frankly when im not happy about something with my mil, coz i want him to know what's going on, however, not complaining too much.
you can talk to your own mum, meet some girlfriends and complain, im sure everyone have almost the same stories, like that you wont feel alone. I would call my mum or gfs and complain abt my mil, and they would give me another point of view and I would cool down.

i always try to "ren" as much as i can. When my mil really propose something that i really cannot accept, i would explain to her straight nicely why.

when it have reach your limits, maybe sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your mil, tell her how much you appreciate and you love your children no matter if they are boy or girl, just like she loves her own children. she is a woman and a mother, although you are not her own daughter, but also half a daughter, im sure her heart would be soft.

if she still dont make any changes, then it would not be your fault anymore, you have tried your best in maintaining the relationship.

really hurting when the grandparents don't love and dote the grandchildren while you see how others grandparents hardly get to see them.
im living overseas and both side grandparents got to share the time to see my daughter, so whenever they see her, it's precious.
So let them miss the grandchild!

Love and make peace everyone

 

[antzs76]

cheeksymummy,
Not that I do not want to, but my hubby does not wish to move. Well he kind of worry that his mum & dad will not forgive him if he do so. So what to do?

I have to bear with it.

I do not like it when mil like to interfere in the kids stuff. My elder one do not like to sleep with her and mil insist the little one have to.
I told my hubby , for now I wil let her for weekend. If she goes beyond... I will not ALLOW

 

[cheeksymummy]

Ant dream, hugs.. You wanted a house of your own, but how about your husband? Although he is scared that your in laws will fall out with him, in his heart does he want to move out too? For his case, it's easy on him since he has the luxury and habit of staying with them for so long and they are also helping to take care of the girls, but you have to let him know that he has a family of his own now, and staying with them forever cannot be a permanent solution too.

Maybe before marriage having a house of my own is always a must as I always want personal space. I do think you can do some homework before you can convince your husband to move out. Like checking out your in law's house location on whether they is any bto's near them? If there is no bto, check out resale current market market's prices at their location and the COV. Check with him the total CPF both of you have and the cash, then figure out the loan estimations if you were to get one. If these are workable, next convince him that which parents will ever get angry for their kid trying to move out but staying close to them? They still get to take care of their grandchildren nevertheless! If he still insist that your in laws will still get upset, ask him these questions:
When his parents got their own own flat, does his grandparents ever get mad at them? If yes, why do they still move out?
Is there any good reason why his parents allow him to date, marry, have kids, have his own family but not his own house?
Does he want to see his grown up daughter fighting for space in the grandparents place? If your in laws live in a very large space and space is not a constraint, alternate the question to if both of you are no longer around, there is nothing left for the daughters since there is no house? (Have to use the future to scare him a bit).
By the time he want to buy a house, prices will be getting more and more unaffordable!
Hope that he will seriously consider about it... I hope your dream will be reality, don't give up especially if financial is not a concern...

 

[antzs76]

Me & my husband have a flat, but that is a storeroom to my pil n uncle. Before married, I did ask to move out. But mil make a remark saying : is it so hard to stay w me ? And my hubby give in. So... What can I say?

I learn to let go of that since couple time is just a minor part in my life .but now the kids and still....

Just wondering why they r like that.

Sometime I wonder wil I be like them when I grow old?? Haha

 

[cheeksymummy]

Before marriage, you could have insisted to your hubby to continue staying in your own flat, or else no talk about staying together. Pardon me but I feel that your husband is kinda mummy's boy. Because of one emotional blackmail question and he give in? I feel sorry that he can't even stand up for his rights for his own family, I wonder why is he getting married in the first place. It's his job to ensure that even though you guys can be staying apart, his parents will not be "forgotten" and not feel insecure. Sorry but I can't imagine if my husband did that I think I may forget about marrying him.

 

[wobblejelly]

Sigh when you marry a person you marry the entire family. (whoever says marriage only concerns 2 persons) ...

If nothing can be done to change the situation (you cant divorce your other half nor can he change his mum), how about changing your perspective about the person? Try to look at the positives (yes it is hard) and not dwell on the negatives. Learn to compromise on the small things and life will be instantly better.

 

[fjcai]

wobblejelly: (whoever says marriage only concerns 2 persons) <--- think this statement more true for overseas people where housing is cheaper, can move out easier. Singapore flat so ex...wan move also hard...plus sometime no choice if move no one take care liao...wan find place nearby also hard....