I felt so betrayed

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betrayed

New Member
I'm feeling so, so sad right now. I just felt so betrayed by a husband that I thought is one of the extinct species of men on earth (he's not 100% perfect, but he doesn't smoke, helps to take care of the kids, willing to pay for the family).

It happened 2 nights ago when I walked past his study area and heard him say "(dialect name), I love you". The middle name was the same as mine, though the last part of the dialect name sounds like his ex-girlfriend. As it sounds like my name (the middle part), I thought he had a slip of tongue and pronounced wrongly(didn't occur it could be his ex's name then).

He just pretended nothing happened and went to sleep. With no answer, I then started to recall it sounds like his ex's name. I then went to check thru' Facebook and to my horror, that girl actually has the same Christian name as me. All along, we would constantly hear him in the toilet say "(Christian name), I love you". And all along myself and my kids were thinking that he was so sweet to profess his love for me in the toilet. I had even joked with him, why he doesn't want to tell me in the face, but prefer today out loud to the toilet for himself to hear. Now, I know why, the name he mentioned was not referring to me.

The next day, he can sensed that I was not talking to him and he wanted me to hear his explanation, which in fact hurt me even more. I know last time this beautiful girl only took him as a temporary boyfriend and broke off with him shortly. She was his first and he said that he was devastated and so since then, is into the habit of saying "(her name),I love you".

We have been married for14 years, before that 2 years together and all along he has been voicing his love for her and yet he claimed he love me. I just felt worst than before, I just felt so betrayed by him and now when I look at my Christian name (same as her), I felt so disgusted.

He said he had done nothing wrong, it's just a "kou tou chan" (habit) and he has no feeling for her.

However, now with this revelation, all those mysteries that i had seemed to have an answer (why he says love me, but his actions doesn't seem to reflect that or doesn't really wants to hug me etc).

I simply cannot understand whyhe did not try to change his kou tou chan (as claimed by him) after our marriage if he claimed he had no more feelings for her.. I just felt like a silly fool, smiling sweetly every time when heard him saying "(Christian name), I love you". Now to realize it's not me he's referring to.

He's actually a doting father to my 2 young kids, oldest primary one. His mother had left the family for another man last time and he was hurt, so these maybe the reason that he wants to keep this family even tho he may not be loving me. He also knows my kids love me very much and would hate him if he has a girlfriend. He may not be into an affair now, but I think if his ex (a divorcee) is to ask him, the chance of him straying will be high.

I am feeling so betrayed now and I went out of the house as I do not want to see him. He still think that he has done no wrong and left him with the kids (he has been all along able to manage with both kids at home). He said he was angry I did not trust him and now starting a Cold War.

I felt even worse as this is always his usual reaction - to get angry and blame me without even putting himself in my shoes. When I was in depression after giving birth to my no. 2, he only claimed dunno what to do. But For work, he would always read books to learn to improve himself, but till date he has never read a book about depression and to find out how the husband can help the depressed wife.

I just felt so sad, I had been deceived for so long.
 


Hi, I am nt sure wat to say. But i think u shld cool down and hv a heart to heart talk to him and let him know how u feel.

I know u feel very upset and betray but do cheer up and be strong for ur kids.
 
Hi

Frankly, I'll be in doubt if ur hub, or even my hub, still hv feelings for their ex. I believe our hubs too hv doubts if we still hv feelgs for our ex. Most men dun show their doubtful cos of ego. They dun like to show their inferior. But we women are emotional pple who usually will show our inferior.

Frm what u describe about ur hub, he seems fine. A doting father who takes care of the family is quite difficult to find. Hw's his treatment towards u all this while is important. If he's ignorant or hv cold shoulder, it's good to hv an open talk with him. Ask him what's his prob. I guess he'll just say nothing. Tell him what's ur concern esp the mentioning of name n sayg I love you. If I'm in ur shoes, I'll feel the same way too. This is where trust towards each other comes in. If u trust him, dun doubt him. Gv him a chance to explain or change himself. Human need time to change. It's really healthy to hv a good talk with each other. Sometimes, God will put us to such test. Hopefully, this will strengthen the realtionship
happy.gif


Dun think too much. Talk to him, get the issue pointed out. We wives hv to be firm n control our emo when talkg to them. No point arguing or raising our voice while talking to them. It will make matters worse.

Fyi, I had my worst experience wif my hub when i was preg with my 2nd baby. Dun wish to talk about it again. Of cos the hurt is still very fresh in my mind til nw. It's almost 2yrs bt i can still remember everything very well. I remained calm n asked him for the reasons. Of cos i cried. I had no one to talk to except God. I just prayed hard to Him.

Everyone makes mistakes. I believe everyone deserves a chance. Once again, do talk to ur hub. Am sure u want ur marriage to work out.

I pray that everything gonna work out for u n ur hub. It will take time though. All the best n take care!
 
Re, to put it straight to u. U are married to him for 14 years and he still can say he love his ex. Doesn't it make u feel very little, insulted?
A man can be a good father for your children, but he might not be a good husband.

When he say I love u in in the study room and the toilet, was he talking to that women on the hp?
 
Beezewax - sometimes, we may think of our past relationship, but i don't think anyone will go to the extend of calling that person name and i say i love you after so many years.

He is mostly ok with me, except quick to blame me when I gets angry, without putting himself to understand why I'm angry. Most of the time, I would give in and forgive as he always don't know what to do or do nothing. He would just sweep everything under the carpet like nothing happens. Many times, I would even bother to explain to him after that why I'm angry and how he could have done to reduce the damage (I do talk to him nicely. He would say he understands but when the same thing repeats, he would forget. Whatever I plan for the family, he would just go along as he knows the kids enjoy. Sometimes, I had even told him I'm like his trustworthy nanny rather than feel like his wife.

When I had depression after my no. 2, I had almost committed suicide. It's so serious but he only blamed me for being unreasonable. I managed to pull out of depression myself and thinking of the kids. For years, I tried to put everything to past and tell myself no one's perfect, I had to close one eye to his weakness, telling myself he loves this family especially the kids. And me (as claimed by him).

I really don't know how to use the trust now. I felt so betrayed and all those years of wondering how he could have treated me in those way if he had loved me, now seems to have the answer fitted perfectly.

Recently, he had even bought flowers for me during valentine and gave me his bonus. I know many will say he is so nice to you. But if you know that he's the type who doesn't mind using money to settle nonsense and also doesn't like changes to his routine type, it could be his guilty conscience at works, He knows I'm the type who doesn't spend unnecessary and will save type, so his money is safe with me than him spending them away. FYI, his earning alone is way more than enough for him.

Other wives have the other women to blame, but for my case, it's a little different, no one will be able to understand what I'm going through, but isn't it betrayal too?

My trust in him is like shattered pieces of mirror, I can't piece them back anymore.

Janey- he was not talking to the other woman, he was talking loudly to himself, subconsciously. He said he had been doing this since his ex broke off with him.
 
Re, is he so deeply in love with her after so many years that he is in his own world.

I suspect they might be still seening each other
 
New beginning - you maybe right. Actually, we bumped into her last year and that's when he told me she's divorced.

All along, I've never heard him saying (Christian name) , I love you loudly in the toilet , only somewhere last year or beginning this year, then I've been hearing it.

I'm such a silly fool to think that he's saying it to me.
 
I guess the best thing is u make things clear with him. Tell him u r hurt. Tell him u feel betrayed. Tell him that u feel silly. Listen to what he has to say.

I've to say this; no thieves would want to admit that they steal but eventually they will. At the same time, dun show him ur sorrow. Upset yes but nt sorrow. Do something that u like eg. Spa or exercise. U'll feel good and at the same time, u won't feel stress so much.
happy.gif
 
But u have the same christian name as the ex. So, what makes u think he is not referring to you and still have feeling for her... Initially, maybe... but after 14 years... there might be some feelings linger ard, but your hubby might felt that his family is more important to him.

Do calm down and dont push him to her k.

And agree with most of them, tell him how you feel. Ur hubby may not really understand it, especially if he really does not have any feelings for her... but at least he know what you are upset with. Guys would never know how woman really think unless you tell them.

Stay positive. I believe you and your kids are much more important to him. First love will always leave an impression. But true love is one that last and stay.
 
Mona - his ex doesn't really love him, just use him as a temp after she broke up with her boyfriend then and dump him once she found the next one. He said she's the type who will put her hands on the guy's lap and plus her beauty, guess no guy can resist her.

Some of you may call me silly, but I'm one who will let go if got betrayed. He knew it very well. Maybe he knew that his goody food guy image will go down the drain once we divorced. Most of his colleagues used to be my colleagues and he knew his family image will be gone. His career will be affected.

I'm actually been calm throughout, but just feel so hurt deep down. Do you believe he has nothing to do with his ex when he's constantly saying he loves her?
 
Re: I agree with Mona. It's better to talk to him and understand what is really going on; that's put aside your perception so that you can actually listen to him. Communication cuts out assumption. Man is generally not expressive not know how to express and sometimes out of fear what might happen if they say the "wrong" things/words to their wife. Use this place to let out your stress then let him talk when u sit down w him.
 
Mona - when he called the Christian name and say I love you, he knew he was in the toilet and everyone can hear him loud and clear. So he cannot say her dialect name as like when he was in the study room, I think.

I've talked to him and he still said it's just a haBit. What I can"t stand is that he said I"m creating a quarrel over nothing, over something he can"t change. I got pissed off when he kept on laughing non-stop when I told him to be serious. End up, think he didn't listen when I told him I can't stay with someone who keeps on telling another woman he loves her. How to talk to a person who always think he is right.

I'm more hurt that he has never considered my feelings throughout, only he in the equation. He may not have strayed physically, but mentally he had and he still claim nothing wrong because he can't control his brain to break a habit.
He is even not listening to how hurt I was.

It was my final straw and I told him again I can't talk to him as I cannot stay with someone who's constantly profess his love for another woman. I told him We will only talk after he had broken his habit. Now he's packing his things to go to his father's house.

Somehow, this time I'm not upset as before. I seem to feel a sense of calmness now, maybe I understand now, for the past few days he had chosen to let my tears flow non-stop and now I have no more to flow.
 
Oh dear. I understand your frustration. Esp when he keeps laughing non-stop.

All i can say is that, if he truly wants to maintain the marriage, he'll do his best to convince u that it IS a habit. While he's away, take this time to calm urself.

Wish u all the best! *hugs*
 
Its normal to feel upset, but maybe you can take time to think if his actions show his commitment to you even if he has this bad habit. Guys don't like women to throw fuss, last time I also suspected got sth but I only spoke to him a few times about it and tried not to kick up a fuss, but still monitor him. After a few months my suspicions went away after he proved through his actions that his family is priority. If women give men too much verbal pressure this drives him away, so maybe you can take a step back, suffer in silence for a short while and see how he proves himself to you without you telling him how to. I hope things work out for you
 
Thanks to everyone for your advice.

But sadly, I think i"m letting go. Like what I told him this is just an iceberg in our relationship. Other that those sadness that I shared. There are a lot more which I've not shared.

One of which is he will always choose to break my heart. even though I had shared with him what things will hurt me, how the situation can be resolved easily. It took him more than ten years to understand that I would soften easily if he could give a hug when I'm angry, but maybe he will need another twenty years to put it to actions. Too bad, by then this method will not work anymore,

For this habit, it took him 14 years to realize that it will hurt the wife, it may take another 14 years for him to break it. Isn't it sad that he needs a long time to stop those things that are hurting me.

Every time, he left for his father's house, I told him it breaks my heart terribly and also makes things worst, I even taught him a solution to come back after a while when I've cooled down, at least things will be easier than his father to know about it. But alas, he never remembers how hurt I will be and just go to his father's house. Ends up, his dad always think that I like to quarrel with him.

He's always selfish and never puts me into considerations, when I'm angry,sad etc, it doesn't matter, so long I didn't blow my top (every time i still function normally),it is ok so long as he and the kids are happy. Like the past few days, he felt that it's nothing serious even though I'm angry and I will cool off by myself after a few days, he doesn't even want to consider what is upsetting me.

So sad, right? I'm angry and he can't be bothered and expects me to cool it off myself. He has never bothered about my perspective.

This time, he left, I didn't cry my heart out. Tho I am sad, I don't feel that hurt and I felt as if I've lost a burden, honestly, I have not been able to function happily as I can't even let off steam or feel better to tell him (not in angry tone) why i'm angry after the incident, as he doesn't want to bother. i am often affected easily by him and a lot of time was wasted as I wallowed in misery,

I will just give myself a few more days. I think I will be able to get back at my feet this time. I just hope, he will not pester me a few days later. I just hate it that he will only ask for forgiveness a few days later when he is feeling awful, but never during the first few days when I'm feeling awful, what a waste of time and making me suffer in agony first before he wants to do something.

Worst still, I forgave him though he didn't really do much. When the same situation, he started blaming me for starting again. He was not even appreciative that I had given him a chance last time, so this time round, I won't give him another chance for him to blame me.

i think I can learn to stand firm on my own this time round, I feel different and more at peace with myself after he left yesterday.
 
Re, he did something to hurt u and left home because he is angry u kick a fuss. It's too much.

I don't think it's a habit. He is more acting like a teenager in love for the first time and simply don't care about the world. This is not just calling out loving that women. I think there is something more than meets the eyes.
 
Re,

Use this time away to think things over....for me I will nt trust, coz of bad experience. But what I feel or think might be bias so I rather not comment.

Anyway, if u need a listening ears or someone to talk to, u can email me at [email protected]

Do take care and stay strong.
 
<font color="119911">Put it in this way:

If he tells you that he loves you most, would you have believe him, even if it is true?

And though he at times do think about her... despite you are now more important than her, can you accept this?

Is your expectation too high on him too? And personally felt not right, when you use the word "pester", "waste of time", "suffer in agony first", etc. It may be cos you hate it to be a repercussion... but do you love him as well?</font>

<font color="ff6000">And on a flip side, have you ever think that he may be as hurt as you, and do not understand why you are acting in such a way, if he did not stray at all? Have you ever think that he may be stressful and drepressed cos you dont trust him?

He might be feeling bad and angry too for the first few days, not knowing why you are angry. He <font color="ff0000">did not understand that for a woman, we must be the one and only woman in the man's heart</font>. And that <font color="ff0000">even "mentally stray" is still not acceptable for us</font>. And after cooling down, he just have to be the one to say sorry bcos the only thing he knows is he should not still say he love the ex, even out of habbit...</font>

I understand that you are very hurt. I mean, no one can tolerate the idea that the man you marry, still express love to the ex, even though he does not meant it.

It is complex here cos both of you have the same Christian name... So, when he says he love you, there might be a mix feeling for him too.

And it is really frustrating and pouring oil to fire, when he jus laugh when you are talking to him seriously.

But guys are generally insensitve to our feelings. (that y some guys are said to be "wood"
lame.gif
) Of cos, there are exception. They do not know what have they done that can make us felt so angry as they are more "logical" when it comes to feelings... It is true that sometimes, jus a simple hug can just soften us.. Remind me of that chinese song sang by SHE on "He still dont understand" (pls translate to chinese).

I guess both of you have to really sit down and talk. Sometimes, it may be good if you have a counsellor... If a relationship is still worth to salvage, one have to try to save it.

<font color="aa00aa">Do think about it cos you did make some assumption too. At the end, it is a matter of whether if the two of you still love each other, feel for each other and the family, and the willingness to work &amp; see it through. It is not easy... especially when the trust is not there.

Hope you are not angry by what I said as I know the feelings you have is really heartbreaking... Although he is not right too, but dont push him to her...

Take care and be positive.</font>
 
Mona - I understand your kind intentions. Honestly throughout the years, I've been wondering does he really love me, if yes, why whatever I tell him, it will be given the least priority or fall on deaf ears.

I used the term waste of time because he will simply just do nothing whenever I'm angry (sometimes I just hope he will show some anxiety to want to work things out). Everytime, I will just forgive him with him saying just a sorry (yes, only once or twice after many days of doing nothing and I didn't even ask him to commit to anything).

If he could bother to pacify me on the same day (as I do not like to drag the cold war overnight), we won't have to be on cold war for days in the past as I do forgive easily.

Then when he can't stand it or when he bothers, then he will come saying sorry and come home. Throughout the period of cold war, he knew I was in great agony but he just simply won't do anything or show any effort (just like now).

In the past, I can just close one eye and forgive because I just want to move on for the family and based on the trust that he loves me. Now with the trust gone and he still can't be bothered, I feel more hurt especially when my child told me that she wants the family to be together. I'm wondering is he expecting me to be like the past, just pretend nothing happens and sweep under the carpet again this time?

My other child who is currently staying with him, had told me that now he was so bold as to say "(dialect name of his ex), I love you" loudly in the toilet and once even in front of his dad.
(his ex doesn't have christian name last time when with him).

I felt so lost that while he kept on claiming his innocence (a habit), his actions just prove otherwise.

I'm more hurt that all this while, he had never even considered about my feelings. He can even say that he thought it should be ok for me with this habit of his.

I'm suffering now because I can't be like those woman who can just let go completely. I wanted to let go so that I could move on with my life, rather than down here waiting, hoping he will do something to show that he understands how hurt I am and how he will try to improve. I'm not asking for more, just at least if he could think for my feelings and stop being so passive. I've taught him so many ways that would work when I'm angry, but he had never bothered to use them during our cold wars, even now.

If that day when I had talked to him, he could just acknowledge to me that it is hurting for me to have a husband saying he loves another woman and will try to work things out, I could still have given him the trust just like before and keep one eye closed for family sake. But instead he chose to laugh and being funny, saying he can't change it, to agonise me further though I told him to be serious a number of times.

Now, he knew that the more he does nothing, the more as the days passed by, the chance of reconciliation will be lower, but he simply can't be bothered. I had before even bothered to use the analogy of a fire, telling him that a fire needs to be put it out fast rather than wait for days, to let him understand the analogy of dragging the issue and doing nothing. But alas, he as usual, just won't bother.

If his heart is not here, isn't it more agonising to keep him with me, right?

Even with a counsellor is useless, he will be very nice to say he will do it, but then when the situation comes, he will just selfishly care for himself first than to bother about me.

He is now on course for 3 weeks, most probably he will only bother to 'pester' me or do something about it 3 weeks later.

I don't want to make haste decision, but what can I do when all the facts showed me otherwise and am I to wait for 3 weeks later for him to bother?

Don't push him to her, but then what can I do? I don't want to be a fool again waiting for 3 weeks, but I can't move on unless I break with him completely.
 
Diana - thanks. I'm just mentally too tired to do anything.

Taitai - guess I'm the 傻瓜 who often think that I 很幸福. Like what july-baby said there are still some men who are loyal to their wives, but maybe we just not so 幸福.
 
Once a guy stray, it's pointless and meaningless to get the marriage salvage at all. They will only push the blame on us, the wife's for not being able to understand them. Everything we do for them is just not enough as compare to outside woman. Since he can do it once, he can do it over and over again. Best is to stop the marriage and move on.
happy.gif
 
Re, u r welcome.

Mummy darling, I think part of Re is not willing to let go of the marriage yet....that is y she is so confused nw....gif her some time and think it thru she will know what she really want.

Btw, how are u? Hope things are good for u nw.
 
RE, are you a full-time mum or working mum. Sorry, I am a bit lost reading long forums.

Would like to know.
 
It's been 2mths since i found out i was betrayed. All these yrs, tot i had d perfect partner wif a happy fam o 3kids. Even quit my job 2 look after kids &amp; tis is wat i got.

I really believe ta a woman's six sense is always 100% correct. True enuff I saw emails ta broke my heart &amp; woke me up fm LaLa land.

D initial tot was wat did i do 2 deserve tis? Am I a naggy wife? Fat &amp; ugly? Am i not a loving wife? Lots o negative tots kept pestering me &amp; i tot o commiting suicide. When i question him ta nite, he said ta I'm crazy &amp; even brought d D word! Man, I was hurt, real bad!

D next day, after the alocohol in him subsised he came clean. 1 thing abt we women r we need 2 find out d answers 2 everything, unlike men who tends 2 sweep it under d carpet.

Instead o usual coming home late at nite, he comes home earlier 4 dinner &amp; spend more x wif d kids &amp; me.

On d surface, everything seems d same but underneath I can't get myself 2 trust him like i used 2. He ever asked me if I still don trust him? My reply is - Trust needs 2 b earned, not given.

Frankly, I still checks his hp &amp; email discreetly but of course things ta needs 2 b deleted will def b gone by d x he comes home. But u'd nvr noe rite. I noe it's unhealthy 2 hv negative tots since I've deceided 2 move on but I really can't fight d urge 2 stop tinking wat if tis &amp; wat if ta.

I hv mood swings every now &amp; then. Some x, I felt his love while some days I felt ta he's putting up wif me thou I noe it's not true. Juz ta I can't fight these neg tots. Nonetheless, I hv 2 b strong cos I'm not a loser. I can forgive but doubt I can really forget
sad.gif


Tis was d worst feared when i quit &amp; I hit jackpot!
 
Hi Re,

When im angry and feel at ends i pop a chocolate or eat an ice cream. That really thought me to calm down much faster than feel really depress. Try it! Let me know how you feel after.

Will be praying for you to heal your broken heart.
 
Ma22,

I feel u, the emotional roller coaster will be there and u will nt know how long it will be to be able to totally forgive and forget.....

I will say forgive is easy and will come first...but forget will be harder....It took me years maybe 3 to 4 yrs to let it go, move on and really forget.

u can pm me if u really want to talk abt it...

;-)
 
If u had access to his phone. There is always way to check his phone and email if he send the mail at ur home pc. There is way for more prove but it will be very painful when u find the true. which happen to me and i choose to close my eye till the limit is over. And I really hate 小三。
 
It takes two hands to clap. When there is demand and ready supply, the two parties will click.

It's the moral values that are eroding from our society now. People are just not brought up in an enviroment to stay faithful.

I read from a very interesting article that since medieval time, man will lose interest to a woman within 2 years of marriage. They will venture out of their cave, and spread their seeds to the next female they love.

It's like animals. But the only difference between men and male animals is that men should be intellectually cleverer, and with the frontal cortex, they could digest information and control emotional, sexual needs etc better than animals. But this is not the case now.

Women are loose, they pursue materialistic things. And if men can give, they accept, then they will be together.

I believe there are good men outside, but if they ever get a chance to meet another female at the right time, right place .... they will get emotionally &amp; sexually attached at some point of time. Whether it is short-live or not, can only say leave it up to fate.

There are all sorts of women out there who are sooooo readily available for sexual pleasures. Prostitutes found on sammyboy forum, MILF even!!!! God, you think men will remain faithful to their spouse????
 
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