Husband who drinks

[Jay129]

I don't know if my hubby is considered alcoholic.
He has been taking a bottle of beer every night. It was going on for almost a year, I just let it be because I think that it is normal for guys to relax with a beer.
However he seemed to be having insomnia recently and I told him it could be due to the beer (alcohol disrupts sleep patterns). Asked him to try going without beer for a week and he said ok. After 2 days, he opened beer bottle again.
That was when i decided to hide his two remaining bottles in the fridge.
When he found them missing, he flew into a rage. He did not ask me where they were, just went to the kitchen and threw stuff all over (which I had to clean up later), threw the dinner that I cooked into the dustbin. Turned on the stereo super loud (max vol) and our baby started crying. He then took a bottle of wine to drink.
I was so scared I locked myself and baby in the room. He yelled and kicked the door so I was forced to let him in. Then he said he is leaving and he left the house. Hasn't returned.

I am really quite shocked that he behaved like that over two bottles of beer. Is he considered alcoholic? What should I do?

 

[tryingtoconceive2014]

Hi Jay129,

I think your husband may be an alcoholic. He should really seek professional counselling, to kick the habit, though I do not know where to start.

 

[tryingtoconceive2014]

And I am not the best person to ask either. Sorry.

 

[Jay129]

Hi Jay129,

I think your husband may be an alcoholic. He should really seek professional counselling, to kick the habit, though I do not know where to start.

Thank u. It is just I am not sure whether my
Judgement of things is correct too.he tends to put blame on me for stuff. And when he throws tantrums he never says sorry for it.

 

[gladjo]

Hi jay, there's 2 things I noticed:
1) he was able to break for 2 yrs

2) before ur marriage, was he a heavy drinker or a social drinker? What type of work environment n colleagues he have?

So, how long hv u bn married? How many kids u hv?

So, if u add all the above, it may give u an idea of his taking to the bottle.

Most guys hv very high man pride n refuse to admit addiction until they are at the edge of the cliff. So unless he agrees he have a addiction n willing to go counselling, it will be useless.

However, if u do really fear for ur baby n ur life, make a police statement n get a PPO standby. Remember a PPO 'doesn't' restraint him from coming near u or baby. Unless he violates the PPO n cause hurt, then and only then court will issue a 1KM restraining order.

So leh, try to access what trigger his drinking n when he is good mood, sit down n talk to him. Usually, these addict will say they know what they are doing but can't control themselves n they flew into further rage. Believe him, dun rebuke or accuse him, u need him to open up n be assured u r on his side.

If u can't do it, nobody can..u are the only one who can get near to him.

If u need help, PM me, I know some access to pull.

God bless

 

[bbabyblue]

I used to have this fren who is an alcoholic. He said he must drink everyday even during working hours to keep his mind awake. If don't drink his hands will shake.
Actually the alcohol content in beer is consider less compare to wine.
I don't think your husband's behavior is 100% due to drinking beer. Could be due to stress he encountered at work. Insomnia could be due to his mind is thinking about something that's why cannot sleep. N if he didn't get enough rest he get frustrated easily over small little things.

 

[jayjayqueenie]

I don't know if my hubby is considered alcoholic.
He has been taking a bottle of beer every night. It was going on for almost a year, I just let it be because I think that it is normal for guys to relax with a beer.
However he seemed to be having insomnia recently and I told him it could be due to the beer (alcohol disrupts sleep patterns). Asked him to try going without beer for a week and he said ok. After 2 days, he opened beer bottle again.
That was when i decided to hide his two remaining bottles in the fridge.
When he found them missing, he flew into a rage. He did not ask me where they were, just went to the kitchen and threw stuff all over (which I had to clean up later), threw the dinner that I cooked into the dustbin. Turned on the stereo super loud (max vol) and our baby started crying. He then took a bottle of wine to drink.
I was so scared I locked myself and baby in the room. He yelled and kicked the door so I was forced to let him in. Then he said he is leaving and he left the house. Hasn't returned.

I am really quite shocked that he behaved like that over two bottles of beer. Is he considered alcoholic? What should I do?

a bottle every night is not yet considered alcoholic.
the problem comes when he consumes more and he increase the frequency.

tell him your concern because it could limit his drinking to just a bottle every night.

dont let him handle kids when he is on alcohol.

i grew up with my parents like this and my mum literally said ok to everything. it is no joke. so hope u dont join in with him.

 

[Jay129]

Thanks all for the reply.
It is true his behaviour may not all stem from alcohol because today he got into one of his anger things again and threw away some of my stuff (including work documents which are irreplacable).
I will just let him know when he is calmer what i feel is the problem. And give him time to reply too.
Do u think this is ok--
I will give him back the beer bottles and just say he can have it back. And I won't actively control his drinking anymore.
However, this incident might have made him realise his drinking is a problem since he cannot go without it.
I will also tell him he is entitled to be angry at me, but not to kick and throw things in front of children in anger. (1) bad for their development as we shd role model good behaviour. (2) it is disrespectful to mummy, what if children think they can behave like tt to me next time?
Actually i want to tell him the next time this happens I will take the baby and go to a different place while he cools down. I have alr decided to do this, but dunno if shd tell him. Will it make him more angry?

 

[jayjayqueenie]

Thanks all for the reply.
It is true his behaviour may not all stem from alcohol because today he got into one of his anger things again and threw away some of my stuff (including work documents which are irreplacable).
I will just let him know when he is calmer what i feel is the problem. And give him time to reply too.
Do u think this is ok--
I will give him back the beer bottles and just say he can have it back. And I won't actively control his drinking anymore.
However, this incident might have made him realise his drinking is a problem since he cannot go without it.
I will also tell him he is entitled to be angry at me, but not to kick and throw things in front of children in anger. (1) bad for their development as we shd role model good behaviour. (2) it is disrespectful to mummy, what if children think they can behave like tt to me next time?
Actually i want to tell him the next time this happens I will take the baby and go to a different place while he cools down. I have alr decided to do this, but dunno if shd tell him. Will it make him more angry?

my husband has anger issues.
i just packed and left the house and let him realise later on.

 

[Jay129]

my husband has anger issues.
i just packed and left the house and let him realise later on.

Does it help?
What happens later, u go back on ur own or hubby bring u back.

 

[chengsl]

Hi Jay,

I am sad to hear that. I agreed that your husband is an alcoholholic and is an issue that needed to be solve. You may consult professional social worker first before heading to professional counselling. If social worker finds that your husband need a professional counselor to step into the pic , they will assist to recommend you. Try it out, social worker in community center doesn't cost a single cent. Try before he get more serious, I know you can do it and sorry to say that your leaving might let him know the seriousness but it will only last for awhile. Finding social worker to help will be a better choice.

 

[Jay129]

Hi Jay,

I am sad to hear that. I agreed that your husband is an alcoholholic and is an issue that needed to be solve. You may consult professional social worker first before heading to professional counselling. If social worker finds that your husband need a professional counselor to step into the pic , they will assist to recommend you. Try it out, social worker in community center doesn't cost a single cent. Try before he get more serious, I know you can do it and sorry to say that your leaving might let him know the seriousness but it will only last for awhile. Finding social worker to help will be a better choice.

Ok thanks I will try a social worker with the next outburst (which I hope doesn't happen).
Will try to explain to him on my own first, and ask if he wants to change. Let him try awhile if he wants to change.
If he doesn't want to change, do u think counseling will not be effective then?

 

[chengsl]

sometimes, people don't listen to their love ones. They need a third party to come in and explain things to them. For me, I don't listen to what my parents said because they are my love ones but when a third person talks to me, I listen to them and realize myself that they are right and the way third party explain is the same as what my parents told me. So ya, it might help

 

[Jay129]

Hi jay, there's 2 things I noticed:
1) he was able to break for 2 yrs

2) before ur marriage, was he a heavy drinker or a social drinker? What type of work environment n colleagues he have?

So, how long hv u bn married? How many kids u hv?

So, if u add all the above, it may give u an idea of his taking to the bottle.

Most guys hv very high man pride n refuse to admit addiction until they are at the edge of the cliff. So unless he agrees he have a addiction n willing to go counselling, it will be useless.

However, if u do really fear for ur baby n ur life, make a police statement n get a PPO standby. Remember a PPO 'doesn't' restraint him from coming near u or baby. Unless he violates the PPO n cause hurt, then and only then court will issue a 1KM restraining order.

So leh, try to access what trigger his drinking n when he is good mood, sit down n talk to him. Usually, these addict will say they know what they are doing but can't control themselves n they flew into further rage. Believe him, dun rebuke or accuse him, u need him to open up n be assured u r on his side.

If u can't do it, nobody can..u are the only one who can get near to him.

If u need help, PM me, I know some access to pull.

God bless

Thank u so much.

We have been married for 3 years. Before this, he did drink, but only socially. It is only the past yr he has been drinking alone. I could not drink with him as I was pregnant and now breastfeeding.

I am trying my best to think what is the root of the problem that leads to drinking. This is what I think (may not be right also):
1. His mind is not of the calm sort. Therefore, anything bad that happens he needs outlet to vent. It can be outburst, throw things, or drinking.
2. Work stress cos he hates his job. I think he wants to leave but he feels trapped cos of family burden. I told him before if need be I can be the sole breadwinner for a while, but he doesn't want due to pride issues.

I feel quite tired taking care of 3mth old baby and also dealing with this. Almost all the baby caring stuff is left to me and I have to do all the household chores also on top of my job. Hence I am almost at wits end with this other big problem.

 

[jayjayqueenie]

Does it help?
What happens later, u go back on ur own or hubby bring u back.

he toned down.
i mean, i left in secret because we all know how his temper works right?

he felt that he is a very scary person so we cooled down and he brought me home.

 

[Jay129]

he toned down.
i mean, i left in secret because we all know how his temper works right?

he felt that he is a very scary person so we cooled down and he brought me home.

Thank u for sharing.
actually i have prepared emergency bag in case at any time when things are bad, I need to leave with baby. Do u think that is extreme? My PIL said I can go over to their house if I need to because they are also worried for the baby, and they themselves told me they know his temper is v v bad. He has work problems cos his temper is so bad he cannot get along with anyone.
Also, does ur hubby say sorry or anything? My hubby doesn't seem to realise he is really crazy when he is angry drunk.

 

[Jay129]

sometimes, people don't listen to their love ones. They need a third party to come in and explain things to them. For me, I don't listen to what my parents said because they are my love ones but when a third person talks to me, I listen to them and realize myself that they are right and the way third party explain is the same as what my parents told me. So ya, it might help

True, sounds like gd advice. Mb i can ask a friend to speak to him.

 

[BlossomGirl]

Thank u for sharing.
actually i have prepared emergency bag in case at any time when things are bad, I need to leave with baby. Do u think that is extreme? My PIL said I can go over to their house if I need to because they are also worried for the baby, and they themselves told me they know his temper is v v bad. He has work problems cos his temper is so bad he cannot get along with anyone.
Also, does ur hubby say sorry or anything? My hubby doesn't seem to realise he is really crazy when he is angry drunk.

Is good that your PIL are supportive towards you. If he has anger problem on you again, you may consider to let let him cool down first and perhaps your PIL can step in to mediate.
Mine dont even allow me to talk to them about anything, he wants to have the good son image always

 

[jayjayqueenie]

yes. u r lucky to have supportive pil.
then no need to fear, run to them whenever u need. lol.
my husband is not a person who says sorry. but he do his best to tone down.

 

[Jay129]

Is good that your PIL are supportive towards you. If he has anger problem on you again, you may consider to let let him cool down first and perhaps your PIL can step in to mediate.
Mine dont even allow me to talk to them about anything, he wants to have the good son image always

PIL cannot do much cos he doesn't talk to them (he bears grudge against them).
None of his relatives or siblings can talk to him too cos he is even more hostile to them. Guess mb i have to ask a friend.

 

[gladjo]

Hi Jay, think your hb hv multiple issues ...its not just drinking...from what u said, he hv anger management issues cum communication plus inferiority complex all in one. His problem start with own his parents n its all bottle down n now manifest into this.

So, u may have to tone down to his level to talk to him or.. The drift will deepen further n he already seek solace outside.

He need counseling but he needs to be committed to go so its kinda tough stretch for you.

I know an ex colleague who went thru anger management but he was force by court to go la... as he almost kill someone, n his anger is fantastic as no one in the office or customer can make him even say the 4letter word, he's always smiling.

Just sharing... Anyway, sorry gal, sad to say this is a tough road unless.. Unless u can tune off yr feelings, emotions, pride when talking with him.

You hv to consider carefully ... Also pls guard yourself with a police report on the abuse. U can tell the officer its for record purpose n you r not taking legal action yet. This set a record if ..if .. In future u or baby is hurt, the court will take action quickly. Your baby safety is at stake. I had done it, no worries ...the police can't force u to sue him nor ...are they paid to sue in our behalf. Unless homicide or major body injuries sustained.

So do what is right, protect yr bb. Think about counseling. God bless

 

[Jay129]

Hi Jay, think your hb hv multiple issues ...its not just drinking...from what u said, he hv anger management issues cum communication plus inferiority complex all in one. His problem start with own his parents n its all bottle down n now manifest into this.

So, u may have to tone down to his level to talk to him or.. The drift will deepen further n he already seek solace outside.

He need counseling but he needs to be committed to go so its kinda tough stretch for you.

I know an ex colleague who went thru anger management but he was force by court to go la... as he almost kill someone, n his anger is fantastic as no one in the office or customer can make him even say the 4letter word, he's always smiling.

Just sharing... Anyway, sorry gal, sad to say this is a tough road unless.. Unless u can tune off yr feelings, emotions, pride when talking with him.

You hv to consider carefully ... Also pls guard yourself with a police report on the abuse. U can tell the officer its for record purpose n you r not taking legal action yet. This set a record if ..if .. In future u or baby is hurt, the court will take action quickly. Your baby safety is at stake. I had done it, no worries ...the police can't force u to sue him nor ...are they paid to sue in our behalf. Unless homicide or major body injuries sustained.

So do what is right, protect yr bb. Think about counseling. God bless

Thank u for clarifying further. My case is not considered abuse right? Thought that means someone gets hurt already.
Anyway I swallowed my pride and said sorry to him for taking his beer. He said that he was not angry abt the beer (??) but more angry that I locked myself in w baby, saying that is it I cannot trust him with a kid. I explained that he was drunk and could have dropped baby while carrying. (didn't tell him this, but since he was angry drunk and thrashed the kitchen I really feel he cld do anything). He ended by saying he wants nothing to do with me or the kid from now on since I think he is "dangerous". Can see that he was spoiling for an argument, so I didn't engage him for that, just asked if he wanted to play with the kid now. He ignored.

U are right... Feel that Have to swallow pride to the max. Don't think it is fair to the kid also that she does not have a father's love over a small incident.

I am not sure how to bring a counsellor in though, pretty sure he will refuse to go. Shd I speak to one of his gd friends to help talk to him? I am scared it makes the problem worse though, cos no one knows that he is drinking like that and that he can be so small minded over such things.

 

[Jay129]

My parents know abt this and they have been pressurising me to take the kid and move back to their house.

PIL also asking me to take the kid and stay with them...

At least both side parents seem quite supportive of our welfare.

 

[jayjayqueenie]

in this case, i think you have already known him before u got married.
if i were u, i will crash at my parents' or pil's place should he lose his temper on me.

 

[gladjo]

Hi Jay129 ...a man should never lay a finger on a woman, be it she is a wife, mother colleague... Your case is definite ' abuse'.

There are 2 approaches:
1)direct
2)indirect

You know what's best, this baby you brought into this world depends in you and your decision n how you guide n nurture.

Dealing with high pride egoistic small pea brain man is a pain but this is an imperfect world where nobody is perfect.

Both options above will require you to make it happen, its just direct approach will have immediate results n indirect will take time, diplomacy n patience.

Nobody can force u or coerce you or do for you what needs to be done. So, you need to be strong mummy n decide.

 

[95huili]

Jay,
I suppose your hubby is feeling very stressful. Shower him with more care and love and find a good time to talk to him. Hopefully he opens his heart to you.

Some men can't cope having a baby at home. Many of them would prefer to keep their activities, unlike mommies always sacrifice.

Sincerely hope that he sees and feel the love at home and cut down on his drinks.

Take care.

 

[YiSeah]

My DH also a drinker, whenever he drink he get drunk then he will drama for at least till 6am in the morning that resulted I had to take urgent leave as I dun get to rest for the night

 

[jayjayqueenie]

My DH also a drinker, whenever he drink he get drunk then he will drama for at least till 6am in the morning that resulted I had to take urgent leave as I dun get to rest for the night

how does he drama?
does he hurt you?

 

[YiSeah]

He drama by scolding vulgarities and comment that how I should not treated his son so cold. and all negatives stuff too

He is a divorcee, had a son 10 yrs .. who only come back for weekend. His son has a attitude problem that whenever i interact with him, he dun bother to answer and very rude. and Hubby always find alternatives excuses to protect him.

 

[YiSeah]

In the beginning I taught the boy to eat on his own, and finished his meal within 30min. DH requested me to Discipline him as I m been handling boys from thee age of 09 to 18 yrs in school. Everything when well.. His son improved and then thereafter he . threaten his dad , I dun wan to come back to you anymore. There is where DH started to blame it on me. And since then I stop my comment on the boy and let him be who he is. But DH think I m too cold towards him

Whenever He drink and sure to get drunk so that he can vent all his heart words. during that drama he will utter lot and lot of hurting words.

 

[Butterfly666]

I don't know if my hubby is considered alcoholic.
He has been taking a bottle of beer every night. It was going on for almost a year, I just let it be because I think that it is normal for guys to relax with a beer.
However he seemed to be having insomnia recently and I told him it could be due to the beer (alcohol disrupts sleep patterns). Asked him to try going without beer for a week and he said ok. After 2 days, he opened beer bottle again.
That was when i decided to hide his two remaining bottles in the fridge.
When he found them missing, he flew into a rage. He did not ask me where they were, just went to the kitchen and threw stuff all over (which I had to clean up later), threw the dinner that I cooked into the dustbin. Turned on the stereo super loud (max vol) and our baby started crying. He then took a bottle of wine to drink.
I was so scared I locked myself and baby in the room. He yelled and kicked the door so I was forced to let him in. Then he said he is leaving and he left the house. Hasn't returned.

I am really quite shocked that he behaved like that over two bottles of beer. Is he considered alcoholic? What should I do?

Why must you hide his remaining beers? This is absolute not a wise way if you want him to quit drinking.

 

[krazimitzi]

I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but my husband can drink 20 beers a night and he's NOT an alcoholic, he's just not Asian. So I don't know if, when you say your husband has one or two beers a night, if he actually gets drunk, or it really just relaxes him.

But it sounds like the drink is just something that he is turning to because he is stressed about something else. And beer is something which might calm him, or just his little means of escape, which, in itself, isn't really a bad thing. But your reaction of it, and hiding the beer, becomes however, not just about the beer itself (though it might be for you), for him, it becomes yet another one more thing that he is frustrated with that he can't even be allowed to have control over - how much he drinks. I don't know how you guys function in your relationship and in the family, but it's not unusual that the wife tries to govern every single area of her husband's life, nagging or sometimes thinking she knows better. We can't help it sometimes, our moms probably did the same too.

But guys need to be guys in some areas where they're allowed just be themselves, make their own decisions - and deal with the consequences on their own. You could try asking him if there's something that's bothering him. If he usually doesn't drink so much, or react this way, tell him you're concerned and you want to help - or even just listen to his problems, not try to solve them. Better still, what I would do, is open a bottle of beer, sit with him and just talk and drink. If you've tried everything on your level and it doesn't work, try it on his level. Speak his language. Men are not women, always remember not to deal with him like he's a woman, and least of all, he's nothing like you!

IF things really get bad, and you've already done your part A) trying to understand what's bothering him, and 2) making it known that you are concerned and worried about his drinking getting out of hand (Note, if he assures you he's in control -- TRUST HIM. Let him fail once or twice, don't say anything. Don't jump on every single mistake he makes. That's SMOTHERING. When he fails, tell him, I'm sorry to see that you tried and it didn't work, but I want to praise you for your effort, I know you can do it, and I believe in you, etc.) IF it really doesn't work, despite everything and he starts getting violent or abusive or just out of control, WALK AWAY. Do not attempt to stop him. Just grab your baby and walk out the house. Don't contact him. When he sobers up and goes looking for you, DON'T BLAME HIM. Let him come to his senses on his own, let him deal with the hurt in his brain, let him figure it out that he was the one that chased you and your kid away. LET HIM TAKE RESPONSIBILITY ON HIS OWN.

Sometimes the only way men can get their shit together is if we give them the space, time, love, to do it on their own. We can't mother our husbands after all. They have to grow up some day. On their own.

 

[95huili]

I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but my husband can drink 20 beers a night and he's NOT an alcoholic, he's just not Asian. So I don't know if, when you say your husband has one or two beers a night, if he actually gets drunk, or it really just relaxes him.

But it sounds like the drink is just something that he is turning to because he is stressed about something else. And beer is something which might calm him, or just his little means of escape, which, in itself, isn't really a bad thing. But your reaction of it, and hiding the beer, becomes however, not just about the beer itself (though it might be for you), for him, it becomes yet another one more thing that he is frustrated with that he can't even be allowed to have control over - how much he drinks. I don't know how you guys function in your relationship and in the family, but it's not unusual that the wife tries to govern every single area of her husband's life, nagging or sometimes thinking she knows better. We can't help it sometimes, our moms probably did the same too.

But guys need to be guys in some areas where they're allowed just be themselves, make their own decisions - and deal with the consequences on their own. You could try asking him if there's something that's bothering him. If he usually doesn't drink so much, or react this way, tell him you're concerned and you want to help - or even just listen to his problems, not try to solve them. Better still, what I would do, is open a bottle of beer, sit with him and just talk and drink. If you've tried everything on your level and it doesn't work, try it on his level. Speak his language. Men are not women, always remember not to deal with him like he's a woman, and least of all, he's nothing like you!

IF things really get bad, and you've already done your part A) trying to understand what's bothering him, and 2) making it known that you are concerned and worried about his drinking getting out of hand (Note, if he assures you he's in control -- TRUST HIM. Let him fail once or twice, don't say anything. Don't jump on every single mistake he makes. That's SMOTHERING. When he fails, tell him, I'm sorry to see that you tried and it didn't work, but I want to praise you for your effort, I know you can do it, and I believe in you, etc.) IF it really doesn't work, despite everything and he starts getting violent or abusive or just out of control, WALK AWAY. Do not attempt to stop him. Just grab your baby and walk out the house. Don't contact him. When he sobers up and goes looking for you, DON'T BLAME HIM. Let him come to his senses on his own, let him deal with the hurt in his brain, let him figure it out that he was the one that chased you and your kid away. LET HIM TAKE RESPONSIBILITY ON HIS OWN.

Sometimes the only way men can get their shit together is if we give them the space, time, love, to do it on their own. We can't mother our husbands after all. They have to grow up some day. On their own.

Unfortunately, some men never grown up!

 

[krazimitzi]

Hahahaha to what you said @95huili !

Oh btw, what I said above, is only if he's NOT an alcoholic. If you realise that he really is one, intervention is your only hope. Stop the drinking completely. Make him go through rehab. There isn't much other way around that one, unfortunately. Just be there for him. And make it very clear that you do not disapprove or reject HIM, but what he is doing to hurt your family. Wish you all the best and hope it works out!