Egg Donation and Sperm Donation - Should I tell my child the truth?

[Angelica Cheng]

Hi, me and my husband are thinking very hard about using an egg donation to conceive a child. One of the key issues we have to consider is to tell our future child the truth about his or her conception through an egg donor. This is to prevent the child from being hurt if he or she suddenly find out about the truth later either from:

1) Careless slip of our tongue from ourselves as parents. Sometimes when we get too emotional during a quarrel, we may say things that we later regret.

2) Our relatives leaking it out, if we choose to use my cousin as egg donor.

3) DNA testing and ancestry websites. The child may have his/her DNA tested in the future and load the results on a website. He or she may then find some unexpected blood relatives, get into contact with them and gradually realize the truth.

I would like to hear your opinion.

This is an excerpt from a straits times article:

Egg donors come to the rescue of couples with fertility issues

A stranger was the answer to Anna's fervent prayer for children. . Read more at straitstimes.com.

www.straitstimes.com

One issue couples have to consider is to tell their child at some point that he was conceived through a donor egg, Ms Faessler-Moro said.

"Almost 100 per cent of couples do not want to tell their child at first. They have a big fear of their child rejecting them (if they are told) or the child not being accepted by other family members or by their friends," she said.

She encourages couples to disclose this fact before their child enters school, as overseas research has found that keeping the fact a secret affects the child and strains the parent-child relationship, especially if the child learns about it later.

Here are other interesting articles as well:

Have donor registry for IVF to avoid genetic issues

Adjunct Associate Professor Tan Heng Hao in his Forum letter said that women receiving egg donation face psychological barriers (Menopausal women seeking IVF: Guidelines being worked out, Sept 28). Read more at straitstimes.com.

www.straitstimes.com

Forum: Look into latest legal, ethical issues in egg, sperm donation

I thank the Ministry of Health (MOH) for its reply to my letter, which assured the public that it will continue to closely monitor developments in safeguards for sperm and egg donation (3 live births per sperm donor among safeguards against genetic issues, Oct 7). Read more at straitstimes.com.

www.straitstimes.com

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Interesting videos on deep psychological need of donor-conceived offsprings to know the truth of their conception; and the emotional distress that they undergo when being lied to and suddenly finding out the truth:

 

[Angelica Cheng]

There is increasing evidence that love is not enough for children / offspring conceived and born of egg donation. Instead, it has been reported that donor conceived adults feel an overwhelming psychological need to learn more about the genetic heritage of their egg donor . Please see the following website: https://scholars.org/brief/case-ending-anonymity-egg-and-sperm-donations-united-states

Quoting from the website:

In my conversations with donor-conceived people, those who seemed most at ease were told at a young age and continued to hear their conception story as they matured. People who were told as adolescents or later, or discovered the “secret” on their own, report feeling a sense of betrayal at having been lied to by the parents they were supposed to be able to trust. For families who decided not to inform their donor-conceived children, the secrecy appears to have been largely rooted in the stigma and shame many people feel about infertility and the inability to have a biological child.

Essentially, anonymity is already obsolete; U.S. policy simply has not caught up with modern technology. The rise of direct-to-consumer genetic testing increases the likelihood of donor-conceived children finding their genetic parents, whether the donor wants that to happen or not. If anyone in a donor’s family does a test and registers on a website like ancestry.com, chances are good a donor-conceived child can find them. While such consumer testing and ancestry sites do raise privacy concerns about the public availability of genetic information, they make it virtually assured that anyone can be found.

Many fertility industry professionals have voiced concerns about how a registry would function given U.S. patient privacy law. The industry’s fear that registries reduce donors has not borne out in other countries that have implemented them. And by now, offering anonymity as an option misleads prospective donors into believing that their privacy can be guaranteed, when it cannot. With anonymity increasingly a non-viable option, it is time to consider establishing a national registry for egg and sperm donors. Not only would such a registry make it easier for people to find biological kin, it could also provide other advantages:

• A registry could keep track of the number of live births per donor in the same geographic area, to reduce the risk of unions between donor-conceived biological siblings.
• For egg donors, a registry could track completed egg donation cycles to reduce the risk of donors going through more cycles than is considered safe.
• A registry would allow researchers to track egg donor health to better understand complications and give women considering egg donation more information for their decisions.

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Best to tell the truth about donor conception to children between 5 to 10 years old: https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-42159574

When to tell the children?

If children have been conceived from a donated egg or sperm it's good to tell them early, says Nina Barnsley, director of the Donor Conception Network. Ideally at the age of five, and no later than 10.

This allows them to get used to the idea as they grow, and averts the possibly traumatic experience of a sudden revelation later on. "It ends up being just an exciting story of how they came into the world," she says. "Parents should see it as an open door to continuing the conversation as the child wishes and ages."

If parents wait until their child is an adult, they may be asked why they hid the truth for so long. But late is better than never, Barnsley says, and better than a deathbed confession. "We've had children in their 30s with parents in their 70s when they have the conversation. It can go very well."

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Other interesting videos describing how cheap and widespread DNA testing together with online ancestry websites will eventually doom donor anonymity:

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Children of Egg and Sperm Donors Benefit from Early Disclosure

Children of Egg and Sperm Donors Benefit from Early Disclosure - GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog

In the last several decades, more than 3 million children have been born with the help of an anonymous donor or gamete donation. These children are often raised by two parents, with whom only one of which they are biologically connected. “Those who become parents through assisted reproductive...

www.goodtherapy.org

In the last several decades, more than 3 million children have been born with the help of an anonymous donor or gamete donation. These children are often raised by two parents, with whom only one of which they are biologically connected. “Those who become parents through assisted reproductive procedures involving gamete donation tend not to tell their children about their donor conception; thus, the majority of children conceived in this way remain unaware that the person they know as their father (in the case of sperm donation) or their mother (in the case of egg donation) is not their genetic parent,” said Susan Golombok of the Centre for Family Research and faculty member of Politics Psychology Sociology and International Studies at the University of Cambridge in the UK.

But what impact does this have on the child? Research has shown that adopted children benefit immensely from learning about their biological origins at an early age. “Family therapists have also argued that secrecy may jeopardize communication between family members and result in a distancing of some members of the family from others,” said Golombok. For instance, the non-genetic parent may not want to reveal the truth to the child for fear of damaging the relationship they share. Therefore, Golombok recently led a study to determine what affect disclosure would have. She said, “The aim of the present study was to examine the impact of telling children about their donor conception during the preschool years on psychological adjustment and the mother-child relationship.”

She interviewed families who conceived children either with egg or sperm donation, as well as families of naturally conceived children. Using mother interviews as well as psychologist reports, Golombok gathered data at four different points between the child’s first and seventh birthdays. “Although mother-child relationships were not found to be more negative in gamete donation than in natural conception families, these relationships were found to be less positive,” said Golombok. She noted that the largest differences in positivity in the mother-child relationship were found in those gamete families who chose not to disclose the genetic origins to their child, resulting in less warmth and mutuality. She added, “The findings of the present study similarly suggest that assisted reproduction families may benefit from disclosure to children about the nature of their conception before they enter school.”

Reference:
Golombok, Susan, Jennifer Readings, Lucy Blake, Polly Casey, Laura Mellish, Alex Marks, and Vasanti Jadva. “Children Conceived by Gamete Donation: Psychological Adjustment and Mother-child Relationships at Age 7.” Journal of Family Psychology 25.2 (2011): 230-39. Print.


© Copyright 2011 by By John Smith, therapist in Bellingham, Washington. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Secrets and lies: why donor-conceived children need to know their origins

https://theconversation.com/secrets-and-lies-why-donor-conceived-children-need-to-know-their-origins-44015
In all Australian states and territories, laws are now in place to ensure that when children born via donor conception turn 18, they have a right to access information about the identity of their donor. However, research suggests that most heterosexual parents who conceive via donor conception never tell their children.

Donor insemination became widely available in the 1980s with the emergence of sperm freezing technology. However, in these early days few jurisdictions had clear regulatory frameworks around donor conception and record keeping was often inconsistent.

The lack of regulation allowed for, and was facilitated by, a culture of shame and secrecy around infertility and donor insemination. It was common for medical practitioners to advise parents not to tell their children they were donor conceived. The prevailing wisdom was that anonymity and secrecy was better for children, families and donors.

Victoria was one of the first jurisdictions in the world to introduce laws banning anonymous gamete (sperm, eggs and embryos) donation and requiring donors to consent to the release of identifying information to donor recipients aged 18 or over. These laws came into effect in 1998*.

By 2005, anonymous donation was prohibited nationwide. However, many donor-conceived children still struggle to access information about their donor, due to laws not being retrospective in many states, or because records have been destroyed.

When Victorian donor-conceived children born after the introduction of the first laws regulating donor conception were due to turn 18, the Victorian Infertility Treatment Authority in 2006 ran a campaign entitled “Time to Tell”. This encouraged families to talk to their children about being donor conceived.

As the use of new reproductive technologies had become more common, stigma around this had decreased. This brought concerns about the rights of donor-conceived children to the forefront. The new laws supported the rights of children to access information about their donor, but this did not necessarily support parents to tell their children they were donor-conceived.

However, studies had begun to reveal potential problems that arose from not telling children. While in general, people who are donor-conceived are not disadvantaged in terms of well-being or connectedness to their family, problems can occur when they learn of the circumstances of their conception later in life.

When this happens, people may feel betrayed by their parents, leading to resentment, confusion and distress. This may be particularly destructive if a person inadvertently discovers they are donor-conceived, rather than being told by their parents.

Alongside this, there is an emerging body of research which shows that telling children they are donor conceived does not damage their well-being, particularly if they then have the option to learn more about their donor.

Donor-conceived children aren’t disadvantaged, as long as they’re told about their circumstances. KatLevPhoto/Flickr, CC BY-NC
These days, clinical guidelines generally suggest doctors and counsellors encourage parents to tell children about their donor conception.

Despite this, most heterosexual couples who conceive children using donor sperm do not tell their children. In Australian studies, fewer than 35% of couples surveyed had told their children they were donor conceived. This is consistent with overseas research, which suggests the majority of parents never tell their children.

There are multiple reasons why parents choose not to tell their children they were donor conceived. Some are concerned their child will feel different or “not normal”. For others, the pain of infertility is raw and avoiding the issue is emotionally easier.

Some parents intend to tell but never find the right time or words to do this. But a common concern is that children will no longer see their “non-genetic” parent as their real parent.

Biological relatedness is central to idealised Western notions of family and kinship, even though the reality of contemporary family life is much more complex than this. Step and blended families, families created through adoption or fostering, same-sex parented families and networks of close friends all involve non-biological family relationships. Many children are raised by, and form strong parental attachments with, adults to whom they are not genetically related.

This is not to say that biology is irrelevant. Many people’s sense of place in the world is connected to their biological heritage. Donor-conceived people often feel that knowing about their donor is an important part of forming and understanding their identity. But biology in itself does not create family relationships.

The problem with secrecy around donor conception is that it contributes to the notion that biology is more important than lived family ties. It implies that a child having a genetic link to someone else undermines the importance of those parents who have raised that child.

By contrast, openness about donor-conception allows parents to emphasise the strength of their family connection and includes their children in the creation of the family narrative.

Laws that ensure donor-conceived people have access to identifying information about donors encourages greater openness around donor conception; although some people argue the laws need to go further, mandating parents to tell their children.

The complexity of this issue points to a continued need for resources to support families to talk to their children about donor conception.

 

[Angelica Cheng]

Home DNA tests doom anonymity for sperm, egg donors

Home DNA tests doom anonymity for sperm, egg donors

All Ryan Kramer had to do was to swab his cheek and embark on nine days of geneological research to identify his biological father, a man who thought he would remain anonymous when he donated his sperm and never took a DNA test himself.

medicalxpress.com

How a DNA Testing Kit Revealed a Family Secret ... - Time

How a DNA Testing Kit Revealed a Family Secret Hidden for 54 Years

'The results changed everything I had ever understood about myself'

time.com

Donor conception and direct-to-consumer DNA testing

Donor conception and direct-to-consumer DNA testing • PET

The Progress Educational Trust (PET), which publishes BioNews, held a public event in London to discuss direct-to-consumer genetic testing in relation to donor anonymity...

www.bionews.org.uk

Genetic testing and family secrets

Genetic testing and family secrets

Psychologists consider the risks and benefits of commercial genetic tests.

www.apa.org

DNA testing forever changed donor conception

DNA testing forever changed donor conception - Harvard Health

DNA testing kits can upend identity and spark a multitude of questions for some children conceived with donor sperm and parents who hadn’t shared origin stories. ...

www.health.harvard.edu

How a DNA Testing Kit Revealed a Family Secret Hidden for 54 Years

How a DNA Testing Kit Revealed a Family Secret Hidden for 54 Years

One evening in the winter of 2016, my husband mentioned that he was sending away for one of those commercial DNA-testing kits. He asked if I wanted him to order me one as well. I could easily have …

danishapiro.com