Divorce

Dina31

New Member
I wanted to divorce with my husband because of his abusive behavior. I inquired at IRB Law LLP and they are helping me with it. Anyone here experiencing the same? I need some advice on what to expect after this because I'm worrying about our child. This is so stressful.
 


Kx250f

New Member
Hi, my wife and I are thinking of divorce. Some background, Son 19 yrs old, daughter is 12 yrs old. Paid up hdb. No loans, both employed. No affairs, I don't smoke or drink. I do EVERYTHING except cooking. I am concerned about the damage to the children of we carry on in this unhappy relationship. I tried to talk to her to find out what's wrong but never get a good concrete answer. Went counselling years ago. Didn't work. Any advise anyone?
 

Mimah

Member
Hihi. Marriage after more then 20 years, will have serious problem as in lack of communication
And do not know what to do, only you two can fix it. maybe advice from your 19-year-old son. Im pretty sure both of u should discuss and try to advice and encourage the weakness in the relationship.
 

Kx250f

New Member
Hihi. Marriage after more then 20 years, will have serious problem as in lack of communication
And do not know what to do, only you two can fix it. maybe advice from your 19-year-old son. Im pretty sure both of u should discuss and try to advice and encourage the weakness in the relationship.
She not interested
 

LMCJ

New Member
Hi, my wife and I are thinking of divorce. Some background, Son 19 yrs old, daughter is 12 yrs old. Paid up hdb. No loans, both employed. No affairs, I don't smoke or drink. I do EVERYTHING except cooking. I am concerned about the damage to the children of we carry on in this unhappy relationship. I tried to talk to her to find out what's wrong but never get a good concrete answer. Went counselling years ago. Didn't work. Any advise anyone?
Hi KX250f,

If you can, can you write abit of what were the things that were talked abt during the counselling years ago? If she stayed in the marriage with you for a few years after the first counselling period, why do you think she is now raising this issue with you again? You said "I am concerned about the damage to the children if we carry on in this unhappy relationship. I tried to talk to her to find out what's wrong but never get a good concrete answer." I am curious why you feel that you are concerned only abt the children feeling bad. What do YOU feel when you are witnessing this marriage come apart? What does your wife feel that her marriage is ending? At this point, I suggest you ask these questions. These are crucial conversations that you have to ask probing questions to elicit underlying unspoken emotions.

1) When we married X years ago, what were your ideas of what our life together will be like? Ask for examples of family time, couple time, couple dynamics, family dynamics, how you spend your time together as a family, how you feel as a mother, a wife? Your relationship as husband and wife.

2) Compared to now, in what ways is reality different from what you thought our life will be like?

3) What do you think happened that caused the difference? What do you think I (meaning you as a husband) could've done to make the difference between dream and reality, smaller?

4) In your dream life, what are the things that met expectations and which ones didn't? Those that didn't meet expectations, is it possible to change to make it so that it meets expectations? How do you suppose we change the way we do things so that it does?

5) What are the things you wish we can stop doing, start doing and continue doing?

6) Am I the person you thought I was when you married? How did I change over the years? In the ways I have changed? The things that I do or say or act, how do I make you feel?

7) Are you happy with yourself after 20 something years of marriage? As an individual, not as a wife to me, or a mother to the children.

8) In what ways does she think ending this marriage will help her feel better? How does she imagine her life will be like after you both divorce? In 3 years, 5 years, 10 years?

9) Are you still attracted to me? What are some words or phrases you will use to describe me as a husband?
What are some words or phrases you will use to describe yourself as a wife, mother? What are some words or phrases you will use to describe our family? What are some words or phrases you will use to describe our husband-wife relationship?

What are some of the words and phrases *YOU WISH YOU WERE USING* if you are describing these same things to your friends, colleagues and her own family?

10) Lastly, and most importantly, ask her - we have achieved something these past 20 years (home, family, etc). What do you think you value in this marriage? If what we have does not satisfy you anymore, we have a chance to steer this 'ship' in a new direction, create something different. Since we have achieved what we set out to do when we married 20 years ago, we can count ourselves successful in our initial goal. Now that life has presented us with a new opportunity to chart what the next 20 years look like, do you want to work with me to find a new version of what a shared life 2.0 looks like? If her answer is no, then GG, she doesn't even want to try. If she says yes, then game not over, she is willing.

My own comments - Most marriages often go into an extended snooze button. Sometimes, people just do the things they do every day/week/month/year until suddenly, one day, they feel that something is wrong, but they don't know what is wrong.

Every thing in life needs a purpose to aspire to, needs a healthcheck. It doesn't mean that if the husband does everything, no affairs, no smoking or drinking, then everything is fine. You need to understand what your wife is feeling / thinking.

Remember, the thing to do now is to ask questions, and write down (or record with your phone) the answers as she says them (This is important; because later you will forget what she said or you will remember what she said differently). Don't rush for a resolution or decision. Don't be defensive or angry. LISTEN to what she is saying to the questions. Treat it like a fact-finding mission and take emotions out of it. And while you should strive to convey that you want to understand what she is saying; if she gets emotional, angry, whatever, be sincere, comforting and accepting, but don't go into the emotional storm with her. Keep your focus.

You will notice that, I have phrased these qns in a way that seems like you are the one that needs to do more work. No, my intention is for you to uncover what she thinks. Later you will have the chance to express how you wish things were different too. But now, you have to be the bigger man. After you get her answers, you need to ask if YOU are willing to do the work also. If you don't feel like so, or you work for a few months and go back to what was before, then this exercise will be for naught. Might as well not start if you feel this exercise is too much work.

I empathize with your difficulties and wish you the best. If you need to, you can reach me at [email protected].

Forgot to add that I am a counselling science post-grad student, just giving some suggestions hoping to help.
 
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Kx250f

New Member
Dear Phoebe,
Thanks very much for the attention and advice. I totally understand your questions and objectives. Listen, find out about how she feels, uncover the emotions etc. But she is not a deep person. She just watches Korean drama or whatever late into the night, not interested in household chores. Shoplifted twice in the past, once at Marks and Spencer, took 7pcs of clothing pushing my 2 year old daughter in a pram while I was a senior manager/GM. I also washed her dishes after her midnight Maggie noodles, I helped her with everything, say nice things to her, flowers, calls, try to cater to her emotional and physical needs etc etc.

After the counselling sessions years ago, she felt she was not heard. But it's not true. I try to do everything to her standard ( I am a armoured infantry captain as a NS man) but its never good enough for her. She also shouts at me in front of the children. I think your last question is most important. But as I said she doesn't give a definitive answer and that's where the problem is.
I plan alot for the family and I believe quite successful at it. But I need a partner, team player. She takes away alot fo my energu and focus.

Anyway thanks sincerely for your help. I will give it a try.

Wang
 

Rin_08

New Member
I wanted to divorce with my husband because of his abusive behavior. I inquired at IRB Law LLP and they are helping me with it. Anyone here experiencing the same? I need some advice on what to expect after this because I'm worrying about our child. This is so stressful.
i pm-ed you!
 

humbaobao

Active Member
My hb recently behaviour totally changed.. Den i realise he like a prc outside.. And this prc is already married wif hb.. N she likes a guy working in a kopitiam and my hb.. Den he go find her very often.. Everyday like min 2 times.. Till ytd i cant stand it.. He bluff me say go ntuc buy fruits at 11plus at night till 2. 30am still haven't come back. After he came back i confront him. He say ya he with that woman.. So i ask him to choose between me or her.. He say both he aso dunwan.. Jus divorce. What should i do
 

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