Abusive, unreasonable and calculative spouse

dtansy7

New Member
We've been married for coming 14 yrs and have 2 young kids. All these years, we have had quarrels and fights over stupid things but usually its started by the hub. I hate to quarrel so most of the times, things i cant see an eye, i tolerate and bear with the unhappiness myself so that we dont end up quarreling.

He is a control freak, very calculative and has a superb smelly temper. Even the way how i put my kitchen towel paper, he must have a say. He can scream or raise his voice at me in public or infront of my mum but if i do the same, i get double back from him. He gets angry and is generally a bitter person easily and takes it out on us. He nags non stop, destroys things at home when angry, calls me names, and when we end up in fights, i often get bruises on me. Its so draining.

We dont have a helper and supposed to co- share chores and kids matters. He is very calculative when it comes to house chores n kids. Things he does he gets upset when i dont chip in to help but there are a lot more things i do for the house and kids that are also not equally shared between us. Where is the fairness n i always suffer the brunt of his unreasonableness and calculativeness?

I find it harder and harder to live with him. All these years, he has spoilt our birthdays by flaring up at us countless times.... including my mum's bday dinner. Jus 2 weeks ago, we had a fight again cos i attempted to video his unreasonableness so he fought back n snatched my phone n deleted the video . Until now we have not spoken. For the 1st time, i hard heartedly didnt celebrate his birthday for him. To me, my loved ones birthdays are always a great deal to me. But when i think back of all the shit he did to me, i tell myself he needs to experience what he did to us on our birthdays. So from his actions, i think he is upset that i didn't cave in and celebrate his bday. Its sad if he dont realize what he experienced on his bday was exactly what we always face on our bdays.

Everytime we quarrel and fight which 99% started by him, he nv once apologise willingly. Its always me feeling soft hearted and forgave him. Im tired and feels bad for my kids. I actually thought of filing for divorce. In the past, i only tot of filing for separation, in the hope that he will be scared and be a better person. But i guess, my limits have been over tested, now i no longer think of separation, instead divorce is what i think of.

Tbh i still love him but i really cant stand the differences we have, the unreasonableness he often inflicts on us, the tempers he throws at us. And i always feel he loves himself and his car more than us. Like when my kid vomit in the car, he gets angry and blames me for not catching his vomit in a bag and caused his car to be dirty. He would check on his car 1st and not if the kid is ok.

I think he is more suited to be single and live alone cos he doesnt know how to love and care for his family. He doesnt revise hw w the kids, neither does he play w them. Sometimes i really pity the kids.

My mum used to ask me to bear with him. In recent years, she saw his temper herself. i've actually stopped crying to my mum or running back to her place to stay whenever war happens at home cos i felt she didnt understand the shit i went thru. Lately, i think she can sensed my extreme unhappiness even thou i said nothing. Jus last week, she told me if i want to file for divorce, go ahead.

Now that i got her support, i dont feel so alone. Its just that the thought of going thru all the paperwork, packing n shifting out that is giving me 2nd tots. If all is smooth and can be done seamlessly, i think i wouldnt be so hesistant. I've broached the divorce subject to him b4 but he avoided my qn and refused to answer. So i think if i file for it without his consent, its gonna be a long drawn battle which i dont think i hv the energy to go thru.

Not sure if anyone is in a similar situation as me? How do u all cope or have the energy to go thru the whole ordeal?? Can someone shed some light?
 


sleong

New Member
Hi! After reading ur problems, I keep on having this though coming my mind. Why do u married him in the first place? Does he behave the same as before? Have u ever sit down talk to him the issue? Otherwise u can try msg via phone Mayb willb better.

If u have really decided to file a divorce. U should really think of the kids should follow who? If u want ur kids to follow u, u must have prove to the judge that u r able to support thm without hassle.
 

dtansy7

New Member
b4 marriage didnt encounter this bad a temper. nowadays his temper is getting worse. i cant help but feel he is taking things and me for granted. he is the type who wont want to talk abt it. i've tried all these years. even if i manage to talk to him abt it, he feels bad abt it for a while but after that the temper gets bigger.... unreasonableness gets worse. i've also ever tried msging via phone but he will totally ignore them. now i dont bother anymore. cos i keep trying but there is no response so why bother?
 

Mongkok

Active Member
when you are struggling to find energy to dv, you aren't prep.

you sure your hub is clean to start w? either your hub has an affair outside or just had a failed EMA. you may find this energy sussing him out.

basically, he has become a difficult person to live with. i would suggest you prep your dv path and stay away from him for a period of time. when u hv a clearer mind, u dv.

however, since u r contemplating dv, u might as well exhaust all options. fight back (not physically of course). mimick his doing.

he does good, praise him. he does bad, u retaliate (not in front of the kid).

like football scoring. may sure all events end in even score, 1:1. show him u are also a tough cookie. thereafter, still no chg, then 'kick him' away coz useless liao.
 

dtansy7

New Member
when you are struggling to find energy to dv, you aren't prep.

you sure your hub is clean to start w? either your hub has an affair outside or just had a failed EMA. you may find this energy sussing him out.

basically, he has become a difficult person to live with. i would suggest you prep your dv path and stay away from him for a period of time. when u hv a clearer mind, u dv.

however, since u r contemplating dv, u might as well exhaust all options. fight back (not physically of course). mimick his doing.

he does good, praise him. he does bad, u retaliate (not in front of the kid).

like football scoring. may sure all events end in even score, 1:1. show him u are also a tough cookie. thereafter, still no chg, then 'kick him' away coz useless liao.

Yes you are right. He has become a difficult person to live with.

We are not on talking terms now and I'm 'fighting back' in silent as in things that he says he is doing and im not doing, alright i do my share now and things that i have been doing which i didnt complain he wasnt doing, now i also do half. So meaning if i cook for the kids, i dont cook his share. since he wants all half half right? The other day I took all towels for wash and he only took out his own new towel to use. Sure by all means.... when the towels dried, i folded them, i kept all except his. If this is the kind of life and family he wants, he shall have a taste of it. He only sees what he does but he doesnt realize I have been and am doing other stuff silently as well.

Harmony in a family is something he doesnt understand or treasure. Everyday he is sure to be angry with something and it irks me that after a long day at work, i have to come home to his displeasure on everything on top of dealing with kids and their studies. And in a family, how can one measure everything equally and be so calculative? He doesnt talk to me nicely as well, always rude and commanding in his tone as if i owe him.

He is angry with me (fr the way he walks and slams the doors) now for ignoring him, for not celebrating his birthday but he dont realize the root of the problem. How many of our birthdays has he spoilt and not celebrated, did he realize? These years its the 1st time I have not celebrated his and I'm sure he doesnt feel good about it. So he now knows how we all feel? I guess not. He is always about himself. He will still think its my fault I'm a bitch (yes he called me that b4) for spoiling his birthday.

Its a recurring problem for the last 13 years which i have tried talking to him abt it b4. TBH i'm a soft hearted person but this round, I'm persisting my stand because I know if i let it go easily, 2 weeks later, the nonsense will come again.

I've actually went to the law firm for a consultation. But I'm still undecided. And yes I dont want to make a rash decision even thou this man is not great to be with for life.

My ILs are now aware of this because my mum was so mad that she told my MIL everything. I heard my BIL did try to talk to him but he said he will resolve it himself. What resolve? I dont see him doing anything. He didnt even initiate to talk and everyday if he walks past me, i still see or hear slamming of doors in a bid to 'tell' me he is not happy with me. The more he shows his displeasure, the more i stand by my point not to give him. Because that is a sign that he dont realize he is the root of the problem.

It broke my heart and I cried tog with my elder when he said he dont understand how other people can have a happy family except his. Because we are always quarreling, his dad is always scolding them over small things, when we are out we dont walk tog cos his dad is always rushing to get ahead without caring how far we are left behind. If even a kid can feel and see for himself, reflection is truly needed by his dad.
 

petitemaman

New Member
We've been married for coming 14 yrs and have 2 young kids. All these years, we have had quarrels and fights over stupid things but usually its started by the hub. I hate to quarrel so most of the times, things i cant see an eye, i tolerate and bear with the unhappiness myself so that we dont end up quarreling.

He is a control freak, very calculative and has a superb smelly temper. Even the way how i put my kitchen towel paper, he must have a say. He can scream or raise his voice at me in public or infront of my mum but if i do the same, i get double back from him. He gets angry and is generally a bitter person easily and takes it out on us. He nags non stop, destroys things at home when angry, calls me names, and when we end up in fights, i often get bruises on me. Its so draining.

We dont have a helper and supposed to co- share chores and kids matters. He is very calculative when it comes to house chores n kids. Things he does he gets upset when i dont chip in to help but there are a lot more things i do for the house and kids that are also not equally shared between us. Where is the fairness n i always suffer the brunt of his unreasonableness and calculativeness?

I find it harder and harder to live with him. All these years, he has spoilt our birthdays by flaring up at us countless times.... including my mum's bday dinner. Jus 2 weeks ago, we had a fight again cos i attempted to video his unreasonableness so he fought back n snatched my phone n deleted the video . Until now we have not spoken. For the 1st time, i hard heartedly didnt celebrate his birthday for him. To me, my loved ones birthdays are always a great deal to me. But when i think back of all the shit he did to me, i tell myself he needs to experience what he did to us on our birthdays. So from his actions, i think he is upset that i didn't cave in and celebrate his bday. Its sad if he dont realize what he experienced on his bday was exactly what we always face on our bdays.

Everytime we quarrel and fight which 99% started by him, he nv once apologise willingly. Its always me feeling soft hearted and forgave him. Im tired and feels bad for my kids. I actually thought of filing for divorce. In the past, i only tot of filing for separation, in the hope that he will be scared and be a better person. But i guess, my limits have been over tested, now i no longer think of separation, instead divorce is what i think of.

Tbh i still love him but i really cant stand the differences we have, the unreasonableness he often inflicts on us, the tempers he throws at us. And i always feel he loves himself and his car more than us. Like when my kid vomit in the car, he gets angry and blames me for not catching his vomit in a bag and caused his car to be dirty. He would check on his car 1st and not if the kid is ok.

I think he is more suited to be single and live alone cos he doesnt know how to love and care for his family. He doesnt revise hw w the kids, neither does he play w them. Sometimes i really pity the kids.

My mum used to ask me to bear with him. In recent years, she saw his temper herself. i've actually stopped crying to my mum or running back to her place to stay whenever war happens at home cos i felt she didnt understand the shit i went thru. Lately, i think she can sensed my extreme unhappiness even thou i said nothing. Jus last week, she told me if i want to file for divorce, go ahead.

Now that i got her support, i dont feel so alone. Its just that the thought of going thru all the paperwork, packing n shifting out that is giving me 2nd tots. If all is smooth and can be done seamlessly, i think i wouldnt be so hesistant. I've broached the divorce subject to him b4 but he avoided my qn and refused to answer. So i think if i file for it without his consent, its gonna be a long drawn battle which i dont think i hv the energy to go thru.

Not sure if anyone is in a similar situation as me? How do u all cope or have the energy to go thru the whole ordeal?? Can someone shed some light?
Have you tried marriage counselling?

Filling for divorce is not so easy. Will have to separate for 3 years or prove that you can no longer live with him due to violence or cheating or whatever.
 

Soulcloudy123

New Member
I m also living in a contempt marriage that for past 10 years. Hanging on cos my son request me that he wants a complete family and ask me divorce after he go army when he turns adult. Sigh... Everyday is either quarrel or contempt, no more on talking terms , such a pain to live with! .... That man no longer deserves any respect from me anymore and I can hardly tolerate very behaviour. Not someone that can provide the family.. only take, don't give. Lazy , selfish... Bad temper, don't do duty as a father . Avoid paying bills .. even his meals want to be provided for , don't want to pay .. disgusting.
I feel lousy about myself.... Looking back , it's the greatest mistake I made in my life... Only to face a miserable marriage now. Am I really so bad, ugly, stupid that's why I end up with such lousy spouse.. broken marriage and loss of self worth. .... or is it ill-fated... Sigh...
 

Eileenwsh

New Member
Hi dtansy7
I feel for you. Similarly my husband seems to be exactly like yours.
he loves his car to the max. Spent hours on a small flaw which no one didn’t notices. Check his car/ house instead of of our well-being. Example if I trip and fall down while holding something, he will check the floor if the item spoilt the floor. Not even to check if I am ok. He is utterly unreasonable and is very unhappy when I meet my parents + sibling. In addition, he was unfaithful and was caught many times. Each time he apologises and gave some explanations which I forgave him. Me too have two kids. Which was why we always forgive and forget.
Didn’t want to go in details and bored you with my issues but wanted to tell you that your hub is not the worst.
you can always PM me if you wanna chat. Otherwise really hope all goes well for you and the kids.
 

itsmylife

New Member
Hello ladies.. i am new here.. How do i follow this thread?
I thot i am the only one suffering here... although my case is not entirely the same... but similar...
Dated 4 years, married due to pregnant (if not we actually broke up), now 2 kids 10,11...
everyday i think of divorce... which is making me a very sour n unhappy person.. everyone ard me said i am not my usual positive n happy self.. friends left me along the way becos of issues between my hub dont like them, say they bad influence all that.. he controls me in all aspects... he is the one earning more and pays for everything...
of cos there are episodes that either he or me will be in the wrong... he keeps saying i self-victimised and imagine myself to be so poor thing but actual fact its not.. in quarrels... he keeps saying i should go get my mental health checked... even to my friends and family... i am really very tired of this marriage... but i keep reading the worst senarios for kids with divorced parents and push myself to hold on..
i wanted to go for counselling tog.. after much hassle and research, finally arranged something to go to... he last minute flared up and dont want to go! said what i find is not good enough.. i told him then u can go search for it.. but it has been months.. he says he needs time to look for it...
all these years.. when we quarrelled.. i will call friends or family to judge.. or we both go dw to meet them... no one is able to resolve and all told me that i hv a very difficult husband... some ask me to leave.. some ask me to give in..
these few weeks we hv been fighting again... i am so super sian... living with his parents some more.. our own flat was rented out.... i do not hv much income to do anything.. i always think if i really go, kids who followed me will suffer.. My husband earns a decent income.. so we hav a comfy life... dont tell me i shld bear with all these because of that.. i do not mind hv a lower standard life... but the thing is.. he is super nice n loving to the kids... but when it comes to me, he will behave in a way that i am not needed... i am always running the errands that he doesnt want to do... picking up things after him.. serving him food n drinks as n when he wants... he is super spolit.. by me intially... untill recent years i stopped... then he will ask his mum or the maid todo those things that i dont do anymore... we both have this resentment against each other for the longest time...
i really dont know what to do...
i mentioned divorced many times and he will blow his top and said i am super irresponsible as a parent and i am threatening him to break up his family... say all the nasty things except making his wife feel better.. so i am scared to leave
of cos there are more...
just hope to hear out what you ladies think
 

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