Hi all TTC-ing mates,
I really do not wish to come back to this thread and start all over again. But its a painful fact..
I lost my boy when he is exactly 25 weeks..
24 Jan 2012
It was 2nd Day of CNY when i discover that i had this green jelly mucus like discharge without any blood. The first time that comes to my mind was "Is this the mucus plug that came off?” I told myself how could it be when I’m still 3 months away from the EDD. Discharges are pretty common during pregnancy. The discharge came on and off.
27 Jan 2012
Had my routine check up with my Gyane. Everything was fine. Estimated weight for my boy was 761g. I was very happy as this weight is supposed to be a weight for baby who are in their 26 weeks but my boy was only in his 24 weeks.
1 Feb 2012
I started to have this menses like aching pain. 酸酸痛痛 but it came and go twice for the whole day. Considering it is neither frequent nor intense, I’ll monitor it and see how.
2 Feb 2012
For the whole day I do not feel anything till evening the aching pain came back twice. That night around 7pm, I had a bad feeling that this is not right. Considering the pain and the discharge. I suspect that I might have some infection so I went down to the GP and was diagnosed with UTI(尿道发炎). However, the antibiotics that is suitable for pregnancy is not available in the clinic so I was told to get it from the pharmacy tomorrow.
I was really relived to know that nothing big is going on. Despite the pain is quite persistent, I just thought that it might be the infection.
I went to bed at around 11pm, I was lying on my bed and suddenly I felt this powerful kick that I never had in my whole pregnancy. The kicks are so hard so powerful and he kick it like so fast. At first I was enjoying it. However, the kicks I’m getting suddenly made me felt so scared. He was kicking so hard and so fast that it was like 20-30 kicks in less than 2 minutes. I’m not joking I really felt scared. Dear dear came home at 12am and he asked me if I’m alright. I told him: “哇!你的儿子刚才踢很大力!” When I recalled back, it seems like乐乐 was like asking me for help. But I didn’t.
However, that night I woke up at 5am in pain that is still bearable but can’t sleep. I woke dear dear up and told him I need to go get the antibiotics now as I’m in pain. We then make out way to 24 hrs clinic. I told he doc I was in pain and suspect that I might have UTI. So he asked me to do a urine test. When I got up I felt something coming out. I thought I can’t control my pee. I knew something is not right.
I went to the toilet, pull down my pants and I saw blood. Lots of blood. I freaked out. I don’t know what to do. I collected the urine and I dash out to dear dear and told him I’m bleeding badly. He nurse heard me and keep telling me, “IT’S FINE, ITS NORMAL IN UTI”, I told her its not a small amount of blood. It is a lot! She assures me again that it is fine and asked me to see the doc first.. The whole container is not in urine color but blood.
I went in and the doc told me it is fine. It is really common in UTI. However, I keep telling him it’s a lot of blood!! Again he told me its normal. So I was prescribed with the antibiotics and some pain killers.
We went back home, took the medicine and I expect to fall asleep soon. However the pain got so intense that I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turn in great pain. I felt like peeing and shitting. During that time I still felt he was kicking me but very gentle 5 kicks. When I think back, 乐乐 was like trying to say: “Daddy & Mummy, bye bye!” or “ Daddy Mummy, I Love You!”
It was around 6am when we got home and the pain got so intense that I go dear dear to call up our gyane to let him know what is going on and I knew in my heart this time I’m not gonna be so lucky, I knew something bad is gonna happen. We called the gyane at 735am. He told us to go to TMC level 2 now.
We make out way to the hospital. The pain was so intense that I felt the urge to push. That’s when I really knew “its bad”. Morning traffic delayed out time. Perhaps took us 45mins – 1 hr to get to KK. I felt the urge to push but I knew I can’t push, I can’t, I mustn’t. Still the water bag broke while we are on the way to the hospital. I remember it so clearly, the warm water that flow out of me. When the water bag broke the pain is gone totally gone. I sat there in daze, nothing was in my mind. I didn’t want to think about it. I knew I had lost my boy. I just knew it somewhere in my heart but just waiting for someone to confirm it. I told Dear Dear not to go to TMC, we shall go KK instead as KK had the facilities and equipment for Pre-Mature babies.
We got to the O&G 24 hrs Clinic. The doc there took the scope and asked me to listen for his heartbeat but I couldn’t hear anything and the doc didn’t say anything. I was being push to the delivery suite. When I was n the way up to delivery suite, I heard the doc saying softly: “There was no fetal heartbeat and bb was in footling breech position.” In the delivery suite, I was given an Ultrasound. Doc just couldn’t find his heartbeat.
Doc turn to me and told me she was so sorry, my boy is gone. I had to deliver him now as his legs are already half way into the birth canal. I was asked to push if I have the urge to. I lie there in daze, no tears no feeling, no nothing. I asked for Dear Dear to be there for me.
The pain, I couldn’t describe. I guess I’m just too shocked to have any emotions. The urge come I push, the urge come I pushed. I can’t remember how many pushes I had. I knew I just had to get him out.
Castiel Tan Le Le, 陈乐乐 was born still on 3rd Feb 2012, 0921am, weighing at 766g with a fetal height of 35cm tall. We need to give him a name as my parents wanted to give him a small ritual. I named him “乐乐” in hoping that he will be happy without us in which ever god that is holding him right now.
The nurse asked if I wanted to hold him? I hesitate. Hubby stopped me from carry him. Nurse said when I’m ready, I can carry him. In fact, I’m so afraid of carrying him. I do not know how does he looked like? Did I twisted him arms or legs or made his face……… But I knew if I don’t carry him now. I will definitely regret it after.
I couldn’t forget the moment I carried him in my arms, the feeling? Its beyond words. It felt so lousy, I felt like the whole world collapse on me. 乐乐 looked so small, his face. I don’t have the courage to flip open the swaddle to look at his small little body. His hands, his feet. His round round little tummy. I couldn’t. 乐乐looked so much like his daddy, his face looked exactly like his dad. Small and sharp. His mouth, looked just like his dad, small and thin. 乐乐doesn’t looked like any pre-mature babies. 乐乐looked so much like a full term baby but in a smaller version. I couldn’t stop crying the moment I carried him in my arms. When I looked at his small face, when I touché his cheek with my finger, my heart broke. My finger is so big to him. His whole face is like just half of my palm size. His face is really soft like new born. His round round little head with hair.
It is really so dramatic. I felt so unfair!!
I had to wait in the delivery suite for recovery. Nurse measured乐乐, weighted乐乐, got乐乐 something to wear, the shirt is so small not bigger then my palm size. The knitted hat for pre-mature babies I guess. When the nurse got him dress up, she took him away for photoshoot. Came back and gave me the photo. I looked into the photo and he looked just like he was sleeping. Sound asleep. Not long, the undertaker is here to take 乐乐 away, into the mortuary. I took a last look at 乐乐, he really just looked like a normal baby who is so soundly asleep. I just couldn’t accept the fact that he is gone. I totally broke down, my heart sank.
When I was in the hospital, the delivery suite. I kept asking myself, why? Why my boy? It was a healthy pregnancy. I heard woman screaming and minutes later, I heard baby crying. Not one but many. I asked hubby, why other people pregnancy is so smooth, nothing happen yet my pregnancy end up in such a tragic way? Later we called our Gyane and he said it was 1:200 ratio. WTF!! I’m just the damn unlucky 1?? Why cant it be others?
4th Feb 2012
I was discharged from the hospital. 乐乐’s ritual is schedule at 3pm at Mandai. Hubby meet the master to bring乐乐 out. We was asked to gave 3 clothing, sweets, milk for the ritual. I prepared more. I told my sis to get him a pair of mittens and booties afraid that乐乐 might be cold as the romper I insisted on letting him wear is short. We reached Mandai at 2.30pm. We waited for乐乐’s arrival at HALL 1. I brought a bib that was given free on the last routine check up by the gyane. It says: “Daddy’s Little Drive” with a car red in color. While waiting for乐乐 to arrival, I sat there started to think about乐乐. The moment I start thinking of him, I couldn’t stop crying. We both cried. Soon, 乐乐 arrived. The person asked if we wanted to take a last look at him? I didn’t hesitate. I looked at hubby and nodded my head. When I looked in the “bed” that he lie in. He looked so small, so small. My heart really felt so painful seeing him lying so motionless inside. He really just looked sound asleep. He looked so smart in the romper that my sis bought from Tommy Hilfiger. It really looked nice on him. 乐乐 will be a handsome boy!
Confinement Started
I remember asking dear dear, other people do confinement need to look after baby, what can I do during my confinement? A confinement without a baby is already torturous enough yet people keep coming in and tell me this can’t that can’t. I’m not doing a normal confinement; can’t you guys be satisfied when I have already done 80%?
I think a lot during these few days. Everything reminds me of乐乐. The prenatal pills, the kicks that he will give me when I called him, the stretch marks on my tummy(his trophy =]), stretch marks on my boobs, the maternity wear, the bed that I spent time talking to him, the promises that was made to him by his daddy, promised that we’ll bring him to swimming every Sunday after he is born etc etc. I woke up every morning with nothing to look forward to.
There are so many things I regretted not doing. Or never had a chance to do it.
Quoted from "Farewell my child"
"When a child dies, all the dreams and hopes the parents have for him die along with the child. Feeling helpless as I am unable to protect my boy from harm. Feeling guilty as I am unable to fulfill the responsibilities and duties of parenthood, which are to protect, love and care."
I regretted not kissing him. Not being able to bath him for once. Not being able to dress him for the first and last time before sending him off. I regretted so many things. Its already so near.. I made it thru for 25 weeks….. I’m only left with 11 weeks before the arrival of beanie.. Why.. Why my boy??
I knew the fastest way to get me back is to have another one soon. But I knew the feeling of losses, thus I’ll even afraid of losing him/her again.