SingaporeMotherhood | Parenting

March 2025

Confessions of a Mum with ADHD

By Junia Tan

“Kids, I think Mum has ADHD.” Suddenly, I had the full, undivided attention of my five children. A mum with ADHD? But before I could elaborate, one by one, they began chiming in.

“Is that why you’re so smart but always forgetting where you put your specs?” daughter number three quizzed.

Then my cheeky second daughter piped up, “No wonder you get upset when we interrupt you.”

“I think that’s why you’re so fun to be with, Mum!” the 11-year-old comforted me.

“And maybe why you’re so efficient about everything,” my eldest pointed out thoughtfully.

Finally, the youngest asked, “What is ADHD?”

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder means that the brain lacks certain chemicals, so I am easily distracted and more impulsive. I love who I am today, but struggled when I was younger because I am not wired like the majority. My mind processes things differently, yet I learnt how to fit into and excel in Singapore’s education system, so no one ever singled out my neurodivergence.

(See also: Understanding ADHD Kids: Dispelling Misconceptions with the Facts)

Looking Back

As a student, PE and recess were my favourites, because those were much needed breaks from sitting in class. I was a voracious reader, because detective stories and magical tales trumped a teacher’s monotonous droning. Despite being popular, I went out of my way to befriend the only Indian girl in my class because I didn’t want her to feel left out. I was the fastest runner in school, but struggled with Maths, Science, and Mandarin.

The turning point came when I scored 96 in a particular Maths test. After each of us marked our partner’s paper, the teacher told everyone to stand. Then she asked those with less than 85 marks to sit. Many began to sit down as she increased the score. At 92, only three students remained standing. I wanted to sit down because I had never scored so high before and wondered if there was a mistake.

The teacher even walked over to check, because I was the talented ‘sports girl’, not the ‘smart student’. She then asked my partner, who was usually the cleverer one, “Are you sure she didn’t copy?” My partner sheepishly replied, “…but I scored lower than her”.

In hindsight, my grades dramatically improved when I learnt to slow down my racing mind. Leading ADHD authority, Dr Edward Hallowell, said ADHD is like pairing a Ferrari engine with the brakes of a bicycle. His analogy perfectly explains why I never saw myself as intelligent. My Ferrari mind would race to multiple pitstops (the equivalent of my different thoughts) and recalling me back to the first pitstop (where everyone else still was) didn’t make sense. I did not care to get good grades because it seemed impossible.

(See also: 10 Effective Ways to Help your Child Cope with Stress)

The Turning Point

My mental training came in the form of playing chess. My dad would take time to strategise his moves and insisted I sat down to do likewise. The wait was torturous, but because I loved him and cherished the little time spent with him, I started thinking of moves while he mulled over his. “What’s your reason for moving that?” he would challenge each time I moved a piece. That forced me to stay in that pitstop and strengthened my mental brakes. Gradually, I actually began to enjoy mapping out different moves and possible permutations.

In that particular Maths test, I had unknowingly applied my new and improved ‘brakes’. Instead of prematurely deciding that the wordy problem sums were too difficult, I slowed down and read the first line three times. Then the next line. As I connected with what the question was asking for, I worked out the answer. Ironically, this even left me with enough time to go back and tackle earlier unanswered questions. Applying the same method of slowing down to understand was yielding results!

That was a pivotal moment because being one of the last two to remain standing was an immediate recognition of my academic prowess. Good grades were attainable, now that I knew how. All I needed was to slow down my mind to focus. With this new identity that I was smart and loved intellectual challenges, I breezed through the rest of secondary school and tertiary education.

I continued on in life with my neurodivergent brain, completely unaware and undiagnosed. Yet, today, as a mum with ADHD, there are so many hilarious moments, stressors, and insightful confessions.

5 Traits of an ADHD Mind

Absent-mindedness

There are two main networks in the brain. The Task Positive Network (TPN) engages in goal-directed activities, while Default Mode Network (DMN) is responsible for spontaneous mind wandering. Classes are likened to TPN while recess time is our DMN. Picture how difficult it would be to concentrate if teachers conducted lessons at the canteen or playground.

The DMN shuts down for most people when TPN is turned on, but not for the ADHD mind. Imagine both networks competing for attention at the same time!

“You haven’t checked your netball schedule… Oops, I still need to book the hotel for this weekend… What’s for dinner?”

It is not for lack of trying when it comes to focusing during conversations or while completing tasks. But unrelated mental thought bubbles randomly pop up! These mental hijacks frequently bombard the ADHD mind, presenting the scatter-brained individual. For decades, I have trained myself to slow down, filter out stimuli, and refocus on the task at hand. And yet?

The family is used to the occasional burnt dinner (because I left the stove on for too long), gathering in search of Mummy’s misplaced glasses (again?!), and have learnt to laugh when I randomly switch topics.

Accepting the ‘short circuits’ in my brain and accepting me as I am is a powerful expression of love. And it is an environment this mum with ADHD thrives in.

(See also: Learn about the 5 Love Languages and Gift Mum an Experiential Mother’s Day)

Hyper-fixation

From one extreme of complete randomness to the other end of hyper-focus. How do they co-exist in one individual?

ADHD is a misnomer because ‘attention deficit’ implies a short attention span. An over-abundance of attention would be a more accurate description (having both TPN and DMN on at the same time).

An intense fixation on a particular activity means I can be so deeply engrossed that I block out the world. The slightest disturbance yanking me out of my mental rabbit hole irritates me because tunnelling back into the depths of what I was engaged in is difficult. I love my silence and until I complete what I set out to do, I will not stop for breaks.

The children know to leave me alone. There are advantages — and disadvantages — to having a mum with ADHD. I often lose track of time, which could mean a late dinner, or their opportunity for unlimited screentime, because ‘she’s in her own world’ again.

Delayed gratification is something I train in my kids since young — restraint over a dopamine rush. So, I self-impose bans to limit binge-watching Netflix, and schedule blocks of concentration time to research topics that fascinate me. Still, there are times when I am called out on my unscheduled hyper-fixation, because the concept of time eludes me.

Time Blindness

I used to be late for every appointment when I was younger. It did not matter how early I planned to set off or how carefully I packed my bag the night before; I would still overlook something.

While I’ve improved some, I still rarely plan ahead, even though I know I should. In fact, I never understand why friends plan an outing more than a month in advance, because time blindness means that the distant future is a remote concept that does not correlate with my present reality.

If the ADHD brain was a circular radar scanning the peripheral horizon, my mental radar is short-ranged. Further approaching tasks would go unnoticed until they entered my immediate range, often causing a panicked adrenaline rush to meet the deadline.

Yes, I have booked air tickets six months in advance and benefitted from the savings, yet my preference for hot cognition (emotionally charged tasks) means I am at my best under pressure or in the presence of strong emotional impetus. So, while others buckle under pressure, I relish the spontaneity of an impromptu staycation. In fact, I thrive in unexpected chaos because I get to unleash my creativity for problem-solving.

(See also: Understanding ADHD Challenges: When Your Kid’s Struggles Are Also Their Superpowers)

Creative Genius

Everyone is born creative — every child wants to be a superhero. But formal education often throws imagination out of the window and replaces it with ‘tried-and-tested’ prototypes. We regurgitate ‘correct’ answers and are socialised to stay within the confines of ‘safety’.

Not so for the ADHD mind. The lack of serotonin, the impulse control neurotransmitter, results in a freedom and courage to experiment with novel, out-of-the-box ideas. The desire for something different and the willingness to take risks mean that the chains of tradition rarely hold back the fearless and innovative divergent thinker.

Rarely is there a dull moment when you have a mum with ADHD. Even a simple family photoshoot along Orchard Road includes a pitstop in the middle of the road!

That is the potential of the ADHD individual, yet sadly, many lack the confidence to live out their best life, because their self-esteem has been battered by the majority who shame them for not fulfilling social stereotypes. If we are to encourage the unleashing of brilliant creativity, we need to stop thinking within conventional paradigms. How can creativity flourish when you’re already sure of the ‘right’ way and frown upon the ‘wrong’?

Interpersonal Empathy

Being divergent creates an empathy that is a lot more accepting of the misfits, minorities, and social outcasts. Maybe it’s because I struggled with being different and trying to fit in or maybe because I learnt micro expressions for social survival.

The ability to connect with people across various cultures, social status, and professions comes from a deep acceptance of our varied differences and a profound appreciation of each individual as truly unique. One of a kind. Not clones of the system, but brilliantly gorgeous, talented human beings.

Yet, from my experience, only those who have accepted who they are get to find the courage to live out their unique essences and tap into a deep compassion for others.

(See also: Teach Your Preschooler to be Inclusive & Embrace Diversity)

Growing Neurodivergence

The increase in variety and incidence of neurodivergence is not a coincidence. One theory is that the neurodivergent individual’s mission is to shake up the world because old systems no longer work. They are here to question old beliefs and break archaeic paradigms as we enter a new era.

All of us can change the structure of our brains because neuroplasticity is about training new mental cognition, just like I did in secondary school. Hence neurodivergent folk can indeed learn to be like the majority. Yet it is in their struggle for true acceptance that collective consciousness begins to shift. Little by little, cracks in the old models are appearing as they force considerations for different perspectives.

What if we stop trying to fit the neurodivergent into societal moulds? If, instead, society allowed them the freedom to truly express their creativity and lead the way. What message would they have for us all?

This mum with ADHD wonders.

Author of “The Naked Parent”, founder of Mum Space, and mother to five amazing children, Junia is a respected thought-leader in the parenting space. Recognised for empowering parents and kids with her 21st-century parenting model for over a decade, she now brings her ‘Modern Asian Mother’ expertise and experience to this exclusive SingaporeMotherhood column.

All images: Depositphotos

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