Wife having an affair with her boss

[Qwerty1111]

Hi all. I would like to seek all your opinion on this and what should be my next step.

We have a child who is 4 years old and currently my wife is pregnant with another one.

I noticed that her attitude towards me changed since the start of this year. We have a lot of discussions/argument and there's always no resolution.

we had sex one time during the mid of this year and she got pregnant after that.

Ever since this year, she had been saying she's very busy at work and will leave hm early for work and always come back late. Sometimes at 9-10.

I tried talking to her abt this and she said she's really busy at work and I trust her.

Recently, I noticed that her action towards her boss seems suspicious during a dinner. (I know her boss and we had dinner together). But I didn't think too much as I trusted her a lot.

But today, I accidentally(I never check her msg as I trusted her a lot) saw her boss msg to her asking how is she.
I got a little suspicious again as why is her boss msging her during weekend asking her how is she.

I checked her phone msg while she bath and noticed that her boss has been sending her to and fro work almost everyday. And they are calling each other dear and even said I love u. I'm not sure how long has the relationship been on going and what is the status of their relationship as I don't have enough time to see all the msg. Is it just purely just mental relationship or there is sexual involve.

I'm really at a lost now. I love my family a lot and willing to give up everything for them. But I was betray by my wife. Someone I trusted completely. I'm willing to forgive her if there is no sexual relationship with her boss and she's willing to cut all ties with him and turn back. But if there's sexual relationship involved, I don't even know is my unborn child mine. And I will not be able to forgive her if there's sexual relationship involved. I will most likely divorce her but will I lose the custody of both my children and I will only have limited access to them? I really cannot lose them. I understand the women's charter normally give divorce couple joint custody to both parents but the child will always stay with the mother. Is it true?

Please advise what should I do?

Thanks.

 

[Qwerty1111]

To add on, her boss also has a family and I think the other half also don't know about this.

 

[gladjo]

Hi Qwert111 ...if u are certain what saw is exactly what was written, talk to yr wife. Can you support her leaving her job?

On Custody, the court is fair n both parents will have equal time but control is only to one parent. So, all this arrangements falls under mediation. But..general rule of thumb, minors below 10 , court is more favourable to mummy.

 

[Qwerty1111]

Hi Qwert111 ...if u are certain what saw is exactly what was written, talk to yr wife. Can you support her leaving her job?

On Custody, the court is fair n both parents will have equal time but control is only to one parent. So, all this arrangements falls under mediation. But..general rule of thumb, minors below 10 , court is more favourable to mummy.

I'm quite sure what I saw is correct. Actually, she due soon. I couldn't support the family with just my income alone. Was thinking of asking her take maternity leave early and look for other job during maternity and quite once maternity end.

I'm really at a lost now. I love my daughter too much and I really couldn't afford not to see her everyday. Is there any way I can get the care and control of my kids? Anyone here got similar exp?

 

[cookiemon36]

Maybe changing a job will stop it.
If she or he is willing to salvage the marriage there is still possibility.

 

[Qwerty1111]

Dun need to change job already. I found that the the unborn child is not mine! I will definately divorce her. But just want custody of my daughter.

 

[gladjo]

The unborn child is is innocent, qwerty111 ...talk it out with yr wife, if she loves this family n her children enough, she knows what she ought to do ...dun let yr doubts n suspicion eat you n your marriage alive n live to regret for the rest of your lives. Everyday u procrastinate talking, u are building your doubts level by level till one day, you will explore n regret. So, as a man, approach the issue and dun let the issue balloon. Getting PI is wasting yr $ n will not help but fume the flames of suspicious more n more, Where now there a chance to talk it out n salvage. Sometimes ignorance is blest. Talk it out... God bless

 

[Qwerty1111]

The unborn child is is innocent, qwerty111 ...talk it out with yr wife, if she loves this family n her children enough, she knows what she ought to do ...dun let yr doubts n suspicion eat you n your marriage alive n live to regret for the rest of your lives. Everyday u procrastinate talking, u are building your doubts level by level till one day, you will explore n regret. So, as a man, approach the issue and dun let the issue balloon. Getting PI is wasting yr $ n will not help but fume the flames of suspicious more n more, Where now there a chance to talk it out n salvage. Sometimes ignorance is blest. Talk it out... God bless

I also want to talk it out. But, It's no long suspicion anymore. I checked her hp msg and in her msg she told her boss the unborn child belongs to him. And her boss is trying to divorce his wife too so that they can be together as a "complete" family. In fact, from her msg, my in laws also knows about it but ask my wife to keep it from me. She's just buying time and waiting for the child to be born before divorcing me.

 

[gladjo]

If u want custody, u gotta get a Copy of the msg ... But if you still love her n this family, talk to her to work it out ...at this point, nobody can tell u what exactly the right thing to do...tearing up the family with divorce hurts everyone including yr gal. If ..if u love her enough n willing to accept ppl makes mistakes ...then hv a clear talk...divorce if Contested by her boss wife will drag n drag.... Its not going to be 1-2mths thing, everyone in this circle will be hurt n will be traumatised ... So its up to u now, if your gal means this much to you or your hurt pride means more...

 

[timmerin]

Idivorce if Contested by her boss wife will drag n drag.... Its not going to be 1-2mths thing, everyone in this circle will be hurt n will be traumatised ....

Just very curious, since its a divorce betw qwerty111 n wife. Why should there be any contest by boss's wife? Thanks in adv

 

[timmerin]

Qwerty111, since u are totally for divorce, u must gain evidence of the affair to aid your case.

Find out the shortest possible route for divorce. Courts will always favour mediation... fighting it out will always cost $$$ and precious time wasted and the only ppl that benefit are the lawyers.

 

[gladjo]

U think, Timmerin, if u r wife of the boss, will u accept abt Uncontested divorce n let him go ? Will you not feel the betrayal, hurt n anger? Will u not think how to secure yourself n yr kids with $$? Will u gracefully let him take his share of the house leave? Put yourself in their shoes ... Will u

 

[gladjo]

There's no shortest route ..its either Contested or Uncontested ...but be mindful ..everyone in this vicious cyclye will be hurt n innocent children's lives affected... Think carefully n remarrying u will face problems also with kids not easy to accept step dad n step mum ....there's no quick fix ..think hard

 

[timmerin]

U think, Timmerin, if u r wife of the boss, will u accept abt Uncontested divorce n let him go ? Will you not feel the betrayal, hurt n anger? Will u not think how to secure yourself n yr kids with $$? Will u gracefully let him take his share of the house leave? Put yourself in their shoes ... Will u

If i m the boss's wife, i definitely will feel betrayed and hurt. Yes the boss's wife can contest the divorce betw boss n wife. So the divorce proceedings betw boss and his wife may take a long time.

But between qwerty111 and his wife - if both spouses are able to "manage" the divorce proceedings amicably, the divorce can end up as uncontested. Divorce is strictly betw the 2 parties involved in the marriage. Right?

So if qwerty111 and his wife both also mutually wants to proceed for divorce and they both can come to agreeable terms for uncontested divorce - then why not? That's the shortest possible route i m referring to.

But i definitely understand that with divorce cases (as gladjo has wisely highlighted) theres a high likelihood things will turn ugly and drag and children will always end up suffering.

Some men just cannot accept wife having another man's child... it really depends on couple to couple..

As gladjo correctly said... "no one can tell u what to do"...

 

[gladjo]

If we women can't accept betrayal, same with guys ...hmmm... Any guys input??

 

[Qwerty1111]

To be honest, if she's not pregnant with someone else child, I would have forgive her for the sake of my daughter.
I wouldn't want my daughter to grow up in a broken family. Which father doesn't want to give the best to his child? But I can't act as nothing had happen and help to bring up a child who is not mine!

 

[gladjo]

Well..its your call but as I've said, divorce, everyone including yr gal will be hurt ...so is it worth the price of pride? Talk to yr wife...she ought to feel as in dilemma as you n I bet u my last dollar, her boss wife will hit back hard so her dream prince charming can't be her for minimal 2yrs,mine hv drag 1 yr n still counting, so be realistic when u speak with her. And she's going to loose cos u hv evidence. So, she'll end up with a man with very little $$ cos of divorce. Oh by the way, if your evidence is more than 1yr old, its not admissible in court.

So, lay out the facts b4 her. The unborn child is innocent, please bear a thought.. God bless

 

[rehdeer]

To be honest, if she's not pregnant with someone else child, I would have forgive her for the sake of my daughter.
I wouldn't want my daughter to grow up in a broken family. Which father doesn't want to give the best to his child? But I can't act as nothing had happen and help to bring up a child who is not mine!

So sorry you're going through this. Since your wife already has intention to leave you to set up a family for her unborn child, it may not be up to you go forgive and keep the family intact. Is she aware that you're aware? You should have a talk with her and tell her you want custody of your daughter so that the divorce is uncontested at minimal legal fee. Otherwise get hold of evidence of her affair and you should stand a better chance.

 

[gladjo]

Rehdeer, its 2 families not 1 that will be torn ...n even if his wife agree Uncontested, what is he going to say if his daughter say cos you u dad, I hv no mother? N still he hv to sell his house n uproot his gal just becauae the unborn child isn't his??

Anyway, its up to him n his wife, cos its isn't just 2 families, his parents n his in laws ...everyone close to these 2families will be hurt more or less. And the poor unborn child is so innocent. And u must hope the wife don't contest custody of the gal n house n assets...n hope the wife dun see yr gal cos emotions will ran very high.

So dun be reckless or prideful but be wise. Talk it out slowly...divorce is a painful process n during the divorce, you will be surprised even the most innocent looking wife or husband will lie under oath n if dirty lawyers are engaged, its a total different ball game, its call survival not divorce anymore.

So Q, Be wise n talk it out..

 

[rehdeer]

Qwerty111 is seeking advice here and I'm addressing his concerns. The other family is not in the picture. If I were Qwerty111, I wouldn't care about the other family either. The wife is already plotting to leave him at a time convenient to her, why should Q still care about her or the family? She's the one who created the mess by sleeping with the boss and getting herself pregnant. Anyway divorce is very common these days, the daughter will probably be happier living with her dad who is devoted to raising her than with her mum whose heart is not with the family at all.

 

[gladjo]

Hahaha..that's why ppl like u ..can't care less except get vengeance... Sigh

If am the wife of Q, would I be so dump n naive to accept in court my shameful act? I would try get a lawyer n wiggle out. Would I then not worry if my other boat with prince charming also sink, of course, so I would fight for some alimony at least if it does get rough in his side of his divorce, I hv security.

As a working woman, she would have consulted or her boss hv consulted legal advise from various sources. They wouldn't be so simple n hang in the towel.

Yes, divorce is common, no big deal , right ? but the parties involved n their kids are thrown into a swirling boat, unchartered waters, u wouldn't know you will win it all or force to settle down by some means if the case goes Contested. Let's say she's dump, Uncontested, Q will still need to dispose of the matrimonial house within 6-9mths so father n daughter just pack n leave ... He hv to arrange shelter, nanny or may mum can help to look after n then daughter misses mummy, how? Tell her mummy die? Mummy wants to see daughter, how? U can't deny that its courts prerogatives that explicit arrangements are made for both parents to look after the minor.

There are a lot of things involved. I hv seen couples fight over children, house, car n country clubs, shares n other assets ...its no a fun game, its draggy n it eats u up n affects yr job also. Worst when its like mine, 1 yr still fighting. Thank God, am representing myself otherwise I would hv cough $40k+ by now.

So Q - bottom line, talk n be frank n lay down the facts, I believe she's aware otherwise y hide till baby is born. But...but reasonable doubt, what if...what if ...baby is biologically yours? She haven't DNA i believe ...so what if...its yours.

 

[rehdeer]

Didn't I already suggest he talk calmly with his wife and if everyone wants out, then it's a simple case of uncontested divorce, say based on unreasonable behavior or something? If she turns nasty, then he'll use the evidence against her for adultery to fight for custody and she'll have to find her lawyer to fight and drag it out, incurring further cost. If she's being sensible, uncontested is the way to go, otherwise she'll have more to lose than him. Why force Q to stay with someone whose heart is no longer with the family simply out of responsibility and not wanting to hurt other people? Life is short, do what you think is best for yourself and your loved ones.

 

[gladjo]

Rehdeer..think u are not throughly reading, in every aspect I've bn suggesting not 'forcing' n my decision for myself n my loves ones is absolutely out of context in this .. Have u been to court? Have u presented your case in front to a screaming judge ? Have u file affidavits of arugements ? Have u made police report n file EPO n POP? Have u sat with a panel of lawyers? Have u step into a Care Centre ? Have u gone to sub court for small claims?

To everyone of the above, been there done that. Dun assume each case is so simple, the twist n turns surprises even lawyers themselves.

U sit on your chair n type like a keyboard warrior but you dun know the intricate highly charge emotions n feelings involved especially when you see you very own kid tell her friends daddy slept with other woman n you feel like killing everyone. I went thru it all ...the pain last till now.

I repeat ...the decision is up to Q ...dun extract n pump words into my mouth.

 

[rehdeer]

I repeat ...the decision is up to Q ...dun extract n pump words into my mouth.

Look the pot is calling the kettle black. What about "ppl like you... only care about vengeance..."? Getting a divorce is not about getting a vengeance, in this case, it's about Q getting his dignity and life back. I have gone through a divorce myself and it was uncontested and took about 3 months to finalize at minimal cost. Yes it can be done when everyone thinks and behaves like an adult. And that's the path I'm suggesting Q to take. Whether intentional or not, your posts somehow seem out to make Q feel guilty about getting a divorce, about depriving his daughter of her mother, etc. Anyway I rest my case. You may have the last say if you wish to. I've said enough and the rest is up to Q.

 

[gladjo]

Uncontested ...that's so easy ..anyone can do that ... But let me ask u...have u stood before a judge to present your argument? Have you draft n type n submit court documents? Have u been to a police station to fight the unjust claim? Have you sat with a panel of lawyers pleading them to take your case ? Have u seen husband in orange jail cloths dragged to court in cuffs ? What do you know ' getting his dignity back ' ? Or ...yours here? What do you know a mother's heart or a fathers heart when the child cries quietly in a corner ?

You think in court everyone will guai guai behavior like adult when you are abt to loose a big chunk of your house n assets? May be you do cos may be ...may be ......

Every one of the above, I can tell u, been there done that. Have you ? And during those times, I almost want to die.

Yes, I suggest " only" .. Because I'm putting all the aspects to consider. Even any counsellor will do the same instead of telling them their dignity is in question.

Have you ...have u not been or sat down with a counsellor before ? Mediators , counsellors ... Been there done that for me.

That's y when I " suggested" - I merely suggest.

Till you raise a kid, you will never understand why parents fight over kids is one of the main issues n why the court have separate sessions specially just for kids parental arrangement. Or may be you have a kid but you are not fully involved... Well, just may be...cos any loving parent will keep fighting for their child.

 

[timmerin]

Well, qwerty's child is 4 yrs old... prob still a little clueless... and "grades" wont be affected much. Qwerty's wife doesnt seem love him. To hv another mans child and plotting to leave him - where is the love? Staying together may be detrimental to qwerty's 4 yr old if both father n mother keep squabbling and are trapped in a loveless marriage yah.

 

[gladjo]

Timmerin..its really up to Q. Relationship can be rebuild but a traumatized memory cannot be replace especially trauma is in childhool. I was traumatized during childhood ...I cannot remember a thing as I've locked them away...I can't recall primary sch days or childhood frens n am scare of abandonment n I know cos I only remember my mum walking out after there was a big quarrel at home. So tell me ...kids aren't affect by what we adults do.