Need advice on divorce

D

dor2bhappier

New Member
My husband wants a divorce and I'm clueless about wat is the procedures. We have 2 young kids and I have been trying to save this marriage but he doesn't wish to. He has changed. There is no third party between us just communication breaks downs. We were quarrelling often.
Tomorrow we are going to the lawyer. He said we can enquire on all the doubts we have so can have a clearer mind. The problem is I do not know what to ask?
Does the lawyer charge on consultation? By hr?
What is an appropriate amt to ask for my maintenance? Kids? He agrees to let me take care of both kids but joint custody.
Thanks.
 


hey dear,sorry to hear about ur divorce. u might want to consider the following:
-how much maintenance u wanna get from him.
-how to settle on ur joint assets if theres any.
-arrangement on ur kids schedule

usually lawyers charge per hr during consultation.u might want to consult a different lawyer in case the lawyer ure engaging is working at ur husband's advantage.
 
I am sorry to hear that your marriage has come to this stage. My advice is that you keep an open mind about maintenance, custody, etc. Be realistic and objective, instead of being ruled by emotions.

For example, as a woman and a mother, we will feel that we want custody of our children. We want them to live with us. But be realistic. Are you working? Do you have the support network to take care of 2 young children? If you are not working, being a single-parent SAHM means you are 100% dependent on maintenance payment from your husband. And I will alert you to the fact that many ex-husbands do not keep up with the maintenance payments. Would you like to live waiting for charity to arrive? And remember, you have 2 young mouths to feed, too!

If you are a FTWM, you need to decide, how much time and energy you would have taking after the children, and maintaining good work performance. Again, you need to evaluate things objectively and put your priorities in place. The last thing you want is being a single mother FTWM, forever exhausted, and your children sees you as the exhausted, grumpy, not-fun mother.

Many factors considered, do not rule out that you can always have joint custody but they stay with your husband. When you are not tired and don't need to worry about work, you can take them out on the weekends to play. You are the fun mother, the ones that buys them toys and takes them out for meals and ice cream. If you have been a SAHM, this may be a good opportunity to rejoin the workforce and earning your own money.
 
To add, if you have a property, you need to evaluate whether you sell that, or continue to live in it with your children. It might work best in your favor to have his share of the property transferred to you. Extra rooms can be rented out for extra income - I think one of the major considerations is still to be financially independent.
 
Meixuan: actually for my own maintenance, I'm not very sure with the term..but kids' maintenance, he has agreed to an amt. We agreed after selling the house, the $ divided by half. Kid's schedule can't agreed yet. He want 2 full days for each child..don't u think it's too much?

Frogprincess: thanks for yr option but I like to keep the kids at my side no matter hw hard it is. I''m a FTWM, if I go to work, my maid and father can take care of 2 kids. For him, his parents are divorced so won't be able to take care of kids. And we can sell the hse next year, after tat I wld move over to my parent's hse.
 
U can request to have the whole house to u but have to consult with the lawyer on this.for ur kids,i think it will be healthier if they can get to see their daddy too.how often is up to u.i think probably once a week or something?

I dont mean that u have to get everything to ur advantage,but since u gonna care for the kids,its better to be more financially secured.taking it as saving for ur kids?
 
I agree that if your husband still has the "heart" you can ask him for the whole house to be given to you. Although he will think he has done a good deed in giving the house to you, it is not a gift to you still cos you have to pay for the outstanding housing loan. But at least better than nothing.
 
Hi,

Hope to get some advice from you. My good pal and her husband have been in bad shape for sometime. For the past few months, each time they quarreled,her husband will initiate divorce. until my friend is seriously thinking of divorcing. She is tired of all the quarrels. Each time they quarreled, her husband will abuse her verbally.

they have a 4-room HDB flat fully paid up and 2 kids( 6 and 7 years old). She wants custody of the kids and she is ok they meet their father once a week.

Can she request to keep the flat and ask for alimony and maintenance fee for the kids?

She is FTWM. After divorce, she will have to continue to hire maid to take care of the kids when she is at work. She can't stay with her mother as there is no room for her and her kids.

Her husband is agreeable to engage a lawyer but will the lawyer draft maintenance fee to her husband's advantage? her husband is not rich. she just hope her husband can cntribute his part for the children. She is worry her single income cannot support the 2 kids. She doesn't want to lose any kid to the father.
 
Shireen,its best to engage her lawyer incase the lawyer her hubby engaged works at his advantage.she can ask for alimony and mainteanance for the kids if she has their custodies.but its best to seek lawyer to fight for the best of her interest.as for alimony n mainteance,if the hubby is not v stable financially,half way thru he can seek to lower if he cant afford.so i think to fight for the roof is more impt...
 
Shireen, a divorce is either a contested divorce or a uncontested divorce. Uncontested means that both parties have themselves come to an agreement and the lawyer's role is just to settle the formalities. A lawyer cannot act for both if there is any disagreement. It is best that the couple come to an agreement themselves, as lawyers tend to over bargain and add spice to the issue.
 
Shireen : agree with meixuan :
Think what is the best fOr ur friend .. For
My case i will rather take the flat as compare to maintanace fee .
Cos flat as u have place to stay ( no need to wOrry . And if there is $$ concern also can rent out room for extra income .

But it also depent on ur hubby will he let go of his share to u .
- give u his share of flat with no cpf return
- give u the flat but u need to return his cpf .
- or u need to buy his share to retain the flat but how they count is depent on the value that can be sold to open market if ur house is more den 5 year and base on % of contribution to the flat ( direct ) and house hold ( indirect) .

Cos for maintanace fee the guy may say give how much . But who know down the road will he really pay .
Do know that if hubby never pay we can complain and jail him up . But touch wood if he is totally dun care and refuse how many time ur friend need to sue him for maintanace fee .
 
Huihui:i heard that even if husband agreed to have the house transferred to u,its still up to court to make final decision?
If the guy cant pay maintamce,u have to spend more money to take him to court n might nt even get anything fr him if he is reall broke?
 
Meixuan,

I don't think the court will have any issue if the husband already agreed to trsf the house to the wife.
On what basis and why wld the court do that since both parties have already come to a consensus?
 
Meixuan... if you can sell your flat "next year"... I am assuming that you have bought it at a lower price compared to the current market value. I understand that in some divorce settlement, the husband agree to be paid the amount that he has paid for the flat. I bring up the subject of the flat because:
1. Property prices are increasing. Applicable to most in the middle class, if you sell your flat now, the chances of you purchasing another property (without financial help from anyone else) is quite low and unpredictable.
2. You can apply to have your flat rented out and use the rental to pay for mortgage or bills. Now you have to plan long term, and think of worse case scenarios - at some point your husband may not continue to pay the maintenance fees, remarry, have more children, whatever...
3. Even if you are below 35 (and cannot own the flat), you should think how much you want it, and go out all the way and appeal to HDB and MP to let you have the flat.

Often, people's views are based on their experience and ideals. My advice above, is because I have seen too many cases - of how elderly people manages to survive by renting out their room; and how some had decided to sell their flat and ends up with all sorts of problems at a later stage.
 
J55:i am not too sure too.cos i based on the previous cases of my clients' divorce cases. As i supposed the judge can step in to make the final judgement to ensure that its a fair deal.so its still best to consult own lawyer.

Frogprincess:yes,its best to keep the roof over ur head.but some cases they have to sell as they either were asked to buy over the spouse share or they are not eligible to own the whole unit by themselves.
 
Hi Frogprincess,

For your pt 3, i think currently they allow below 35 to own the flat as long as you have the care and control of the kid.
I am 34 and currently in the processing of trsf the hse to me.
 
Hi Meixuan,
Surprise to knw this!
But luckily, mine was uncontested so everything went smoothly
happy.gif
 
J55: i have a client in her 50s.hers was uncontested too.she has to prove that her husband is not paying for the house over the years and even so,it has to go thru the judge on the final judgement altho the judge did give the house to her.
 
Meixuan,

wow....then the judge that handle my case must be a 'kind' one ;)
And i got sole custody, hrd frm a friend that the judge can actually summon my ex and question him why he give up custody of our son.
Cos i dont think my ex knws abt 'joint-custody' so if the judge wld hv summon him and tell him abt it, i wldn't hv gotten it so easily.
 
ehmm.. Kind or bochap?

Every judge knows the effect of a fatherless figure in a child's life. Thus, a good judge would want to ensure the child can grow up in a healthy environment as much as possible.

Didn't the court send the parent for parenting lessons and counseling? My judge did that. After interim judgement, the judge still sermon us to report to family services to follow up.

I seriously doubt your ex didnt know about joint-custody. Perhaps he wants a clean cut and doesn't want anything to do with his child anymore. Just my opinion, I might be wrong.
 
Well...yah..hv to agree mine was a 'sleeping' judge. Even the lawyer who handles my housing matters says so. There were some ambiguity in my divorce agreement terms and the lawyer commented that its strange that the judge approves it.

We were nvr ask to go for any counselling but only ask to attend a parenting lesson (1 lesson only). But i am not sure if my ex went for it cos we went separately. And that was it, nothin else.

My ex still sees our son but not on regular basis (although he has weekly visitation rights). I would'nt say that he wants a clean cut and quite sure he doesn't knw abt joint custody.
He is those bochap kind who don't bother to find out or do anything or perhaps he was in a hurry to 'finish' me off so agreed to everything i want.
 
All these years, I only get to see my child once a week. Thus, its easy for connection and feeling to faint away. I am not as concern about asking more access time, his school work, living condition, physical health and emotion as I was years back. I will only take up problem if I am informed (passive).

One reason why I stay out of new relationship is fear that I may really "cut off" emotionally with my child and give full attention to new family union instead. Honesty very tempting and that is exactly how a child may lose his father.

I will only take up new relationship provided new spouse is willing to accept my boy if one day he does come n stay with us. She must take effort to bond with my boy too.

"A child begin to loose his dad when access time had become a chore to him."

That's why my opinion is should give dad Joint-Custody, pay child maintenance, Reasonable Access Time else over time the bond between father-child will die off easily bcoz no push factor. You may disagree, but this is just my opinion, I dun represent all dad.
 
Mr Hopeful,

In fact, I agree totally with you but sad to say not all are like you.

There are some people out there who utterly don't deserve it.
Things that they have done to damage the family. They were given the chance to savage things but still they choose to drop everything and go running to the 3rd party. Can't even pay the maintence for 1 mth, given weekly access rights but still dont come regularly making the poor kid waiting and waiting.....
Do they deserve share custody?

Its not easy for pple like us to go into a relationship. Even if we do, the road most likely gonna be rocky. But i believe, its not all impossible. I have seen some good examples myself. So keep an open mind. Instead of losing his dad, your son might got himself another indivdual who loves him.

You're a good father.
happy.gif
 
Yeah I understand there r dad who doesn't set good example for kids are better off forgotten n erased then giving kids bad influence.

Considering the feedback from my boy and insider info about his new dad, I wouldnt consider him a good dad/husband. The fact that they still stay in rented common room of a 3 room flat speaks alot about the man.

I would be happy for my child and his mummy if the new dad is good n responsible who provides n loves them. Unfortunately dun seems the case, anytime can divorce again one. So I will still watched over them to ensure my child is reasonably taken care of. If necessary, I will apply to court for care n control of my child.

Else had to wait until he matured/old enough (18yrs?) to take care of himself then my heart could truely rest, and could truely move on to seek my own happiness
happy.gif
 
Hmmm...matured/old enough? Don't they always says no matter how old our children are, they are always the little kids in our hearts?
happy.gif


Well, sometimes happiness comes when u least expected, when u are not looking for anything...so it could be just round the corner ;)
 
i just settle my case.

just to share. my judge is quite good to my side.

after interim judgement , both party need to go family court for ( mediation ) there for kid issue like custody and access. what work best for the kid as i think if u had child below 8 year old all meed to pass thru this mediation .

after 1 mediation ( kid issue )
there will be 2nd mediation which will be the property ( $$ issure )

meixuan : i dun think judge will have other reason if both party agree on flat issue like
hubby willing to give his share as a GIFT to the wife .

like my case . my ex had change his mind and our case become uncontest case. he agree to transfer his share to me ( with out me return him his CPF contribution ) the judge just ask my ex are you sure. to confrim again.
he say yes. and the judge just approve it.
 
meixuan : for kid maintance.
it actually very hard to say

my judge ask my ex out . and have a personally talk with me. ask me this question .

do u think ur ex will give u maintance fee . thru down the road months or years.
which i also dun think he will give.
the most is i have to travel to family court / $$ to charge againts him. for not paying maintacne fee. the most he jail up.

and how many time will i need to repeat the step if he keep refuse to give.

and quite some of my friend also ( court order say ex must give how much $$ but end up the ex also never give .

so to me i really feel flat is more secure to me den his maintance . some more also need to base on his salary . as im ex dun earn alot. so i also hard to claim him $300 per child . as i have 2 kids.

and my lawyer also good to me. as she did not insist me to say ( hey gal u should fight all the way /. i confrim will help u win the case.
cos the more u fight the lawyer fee sure will up and cost like bomb.

and the judge ( during my mediation. ) also did told me . since now he willing to let go all flat to u . ( with no CPF return ) . abit no point to fight tilli win 100 % as in maintance . as cos if he contest . my ex will sure wan me to buy his share if i wan to retain the flat ( which i can retain cos i have kid. as they need place to stay . but the different is i need to buy his share value base on open market price.

which will cos me more den 70K . . . . .

so end up i agree. he also agree. and my case close . end of the day im actually still in a wining stage. as i have kid sole custody/ flat. but he had nothing
 
Yes, I agree with Huihui. Whether or not the husbands will continue to pay the maintenance is always a question mark. First he must be WILLING TO PAY. Then he must be able to AFFORD TO PAY. We need to be realistic, at some point he might re-marry, lost his job, whatever... And I believe maintenance fees is added to your assessible income as well.

In some cases, it may be worth considering getting the property, and then rent out one or two rooms to subsidise your income. I think in Singapore, getting rental income is more predictable than getting maintenance from ex-husbands. Income from rental is also taxable but at least deductions are allowed?
 
Ya my flat we buy at nov 2006 till Now is more den 5 years .

I " think "U can retain flat. They dun see how many year . cos not sellin mA . - correct me if wrong info .

U can retain flat if u are the main care control of kid
BUT also depend on ur hubby side how he wan u to buy his share of the flat .

Cos even less den 5 year also cannot sell to open market . Only sell back to HDb which value is low low

Cos the concern is if need to sell to open market den house must be more den 5 year .
 
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