Met my ex...

wendysu

wendysu

Member
I am married with 3 kids, recently i met my ex and exchange numbers. He is married for 12 years but have NO children.

We met for lunch (of course without my husband knowledge as they both used to be rivals), and chat abit during. I do not know why but some how after that meeting, I will think of text him but i tried to dismiss the thoughts as I do not wish to have any misunderstanding or scandals later. But I just could not stop thinking about him.

My marriage life with my husband is fine except I was still holding unhappiness when he landed me into few hundred k of debts when his investment failed, at that time, I used my name to apply all kind of loans to support him. Now my kids and I have to suffer and slog like hell to repay monthly debts repayment for the rest of don't know how many years. Torturing of endless fighting over financial. those who been through will understand, having to keep up with a monthly repayment of $5.1K is no joke and both of us are not high earners. Things will be fine but whenever i think of how my life was ruin by my husband, i just cannot forgive him. But for the sake of my kids, there is nothing i can do? What if I divorce and he refused to repay the loan (our total loan up to $5K a month) which is to avoid me being sued bankruptcy, i can't pay the loan by my own and I have to support my kids and their education. Due to now he have to slog to earn money, he have to work 7 days a week, 12-14 hours a day, completely has no time and hardly has time for me and kids.

Anyway, I don't know why i am struggling within my thoughts. I feel like having a affair with my ex and he also given me the same kind of signal that he still like me but of course we didn't spell out.

I am at a loss and hope i will stop before it start to get worse.


Anybody with similar experience, can share with me how you overcome?

Thanks
 

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Move on. Make yourself busy. Do things that can earn money and pay off debts. Not affair.
Man if need can go geylang. Dont worry for him. Unless you like to help him make a baby. It will be another story. Surrogate for 70k. He gets baby. You get sex and then can pay off debts faster.
 
I hope u don't go down the path of self destruction by having an affair...it may get back at ur hubby & hurt him but at the end u may hurt yourself even more for doing it....
 
There are only two choices: Stay in this relationship, or leave it completely. Are you better with your husband, or would you be happier alone? This other option you're considering, shouldn't even be an option. But honestly if you think you're better off alone, then leave. Filing for bankruptcy somehow seems like a much better solution to me than being stuck to the wrong person for life (if that is truly how you feel). You have a lot to think about. All the best.
 
drmisha said:
I hope u don't go down the path of self destruction by having an affair...it may get back at ur hubby & hurt him but at the end u may hurt yourself even more for doing it....
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I really think i am struggling and it does hurt. I do not know how my ex feel, but i am :(
 
wendysu said:
I really think i am struggling and it does hurt. I do not know how my ex feel, but i am :(
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Sounds like u are struggling with anger and resentment against your hb (understandably) and your frustrations in the marriage, you are not getting what you want/need from the marriage at the moment (support, love, appreciation) and are looking to the outside for it. It is entirely common and understandable. I felt the same as you when my marriage hit the bottomest rock, but I did not have the financial problems part. You need to ask yourself: Do you cherish your marriage? You have to remember that a marriage has many different seasons. Sometimes its summer, sometimes its winter. Remember that time that your husband proposed to you, he was the one who made the commitment out of all the men you ever dated and took the plunge with you and got married. have a good talk with him and tell him you feel alone and ask him if he wants this marriage or not.
 
He definitely said he love me and the family. He told me he felt guilty about what he had brought to me. I know he love me but because of this issue, i really felt so resented.

Anyway, now i also try not to contact my ex, probably because it is just fresh and when my ex and i together and met, we felt as though we are back to courtship and dating days
. I no longer feel the heart beating so fast and so excited when meeting my husband.

My ex told me he felt the same.
 
wendysu said:
He definitely said he love me and the family. He told me he felt guilty about what he had brought to me. I know he love me but because of this issue, i really felt so resented.

Anyway, now i also try not to contact my ex, probably because it is just fresh and when my ex and i together and met, we felt as though we are back to courtship and dating days
. I no longer feel the heart beating so fast and so excited when meeting my husband.

My ex told me he felt the same.
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I felt the same as you when I felt strong resentment and even hatred for my husband after years of emotional abuse, i was ready to leave him. yes the word is hatred, I even visualized his death, I was full of anger. I suggest that you go to see a counselor with him, that is what I did. And after seeing the counselor I realized I do want to work things out with him. I recalled that time that my husband proposed to me, he was the one who made the commitment out of all the men I ever dated and wasted my time on, all the past bastards, and took the plunge with me and got married. And I worked things out with him and we are now having a baby.
 
"courtship and dating days"...every relationship has that season and then moves to other seasons. how many relationships do you want to go through to keep feeling that fresh "courtship and dating days"?
 
I think you just need to find that "courtship and dating days" again with your husband. Go out on dates? Sg is expensive but there are a lot of free/cheap date ideas on the internet. Not sure if you've heard this theory before, but we all have these love tanks and if it's empty, we can't fulfill each other's needs. Probably your husband's is also empty, and both of you are functioning on nothing. You gotta have a good talk about trying to fill each other's love tanks. Get down to the details. What makes you happy, what makes you feel loved? We all have different love languages. Perhaps for him a massage from you shows you love him, maybe from him, all you want him to do is do the dishes and laundry for once. Unless you get down to the details, you'll just be guessing at what each other needs. If you don't know how to talk about these kinda things, then perhaps a good counsellor can help. Take note though, that you might have to go from one counsellor to another until you find the right one whom you're both comfortable with and willing to express yourselves honestly. These things take time, but if you're both willing to work at it, it can be not only saved but back to your "courtship and dating days" again, as all marriages should be. :)
 
krazimitzi said:
I think you just need to find that "courtship and dating days" again with your husband. Go out on dates? Sg is expensive but there are a lot of free/cheap date ideas on the internet. Not sure if you've heard this theory before, but we all have these love tanks and if it's empty, we can't fulfill each other's needs. Probably your husband's is also empty, and both of you are functioning on nothing. You gotta have a good talk about trying to fill each other's love tanks. Get down to the details. What makes you happy, what makes you feel loved? We all have different love languages. Perhaps for him a massage from you shows you love him, maybe from him, all you want him to do is do the dishes and laundry for once. Unless you get down to the details, you'll just be guessing at what each other needs. If you don't know how to talk about these kinda things, then perhaps a good counsellor can help. Take note though, that you might have to go from one counsellor to another until you find the right one whom you're both comfortable with and willing to express yourselves honestly. These things take time, but if you're both willing to work at it, it can be not only saved but back to your "courtship and dating days" again, as all marriages should be. :)
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Actually, the feeling of heart-pumping excitement is absent if you were to do the courtship & dating thingy all over with the hubs. Reason is, you are so used to his scent, his way of doing things and everything. If it were a new guy, you would have that adrenaline rushing through the veins cos you don't know what's the next thing he will do.

Of cos I am not advocating adultery (cos it comes with negative consequences and I wouldn't want that to happen to me either), just that we should make an extra effort to make the marriage work and not abandoning it just because a new guy comes along. Unless the marriage is in wrecks and beyond repair, then it's ok to consider the new guy once the procedures are completed.
 
@towkayneo Hmm I told my husband this story yesterday, and I said, "It's true not to expect it not to change after marriage I guess, cuz it won't be the same like during 'courtship and dating days' again?" And he looked at me and said, "Really? I don't think it changed for us." And he put his hand on my cheek and kissed me. And he's right, sometimes I fall asleep on the bus and get off one bus stop too far and have to walk back, he'll come downstairs and walk and meet me halfway, so I don't have to walk back on my own, and standing looking at him waiting to cross the street, knowing he did that just for me, can even make my heart beat fast again and feel the "butterflies in my stomach". So maybe it IS possible to get that "adrenaline rush" again with our husbands? It just takes effort on both parts, I feel. Not saying it's easy, but not saying it's impossible either, I personally think. ;)
 
krazimitzi said:
@towkayneo Hmm I told my husband this story yesterday, and I said, "It's true not to expect it not to change after marriage I guess, cuz it won't be the same like during 'courtship and dating days' again?" And he looked at me and said, "Really? I don't think it changed for us." And he put his hand on my cheek and kissed me. And he's right, sometimes I fall asleep on the bus and get off one bus stop too far and have to walk back, he'll come downstairs and walk and meet me halfway, so I don't have to walk back on my own, and standing looking at him waiting to cross the street, knowing he did that just for me, can even make my heart beat fast again and feel the "butterflies in my stomach". So maybe it IS possible to get that "adrenaline rush" again with our husbands? It just takes effort on both parts, I feel. Not saying it's easy, but not saying it's impossible either, I personally think. ;)
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Eh, you are one of the lucky ones who are the romantic type. I think with the hustling & bustling of daily chores, work & kids is enough to drain one to even think of romance. Sleep is more important My hubby still does the sweet things but just that it's more subtle like buying my fav fruits, cooking what I like to eat. Not the action drama type liao
 
Thanks, only 3 days outing and I landed myself in depression missing my ex so much and have to face my husband at the same time. It was really very torturing. You are right, i should not sink further.

I asked myself, i will not leave the marriage and kids as they had done nothing wrong, so what's the point of giving myself more problem when i already had enough in terms of financial. I am sure my ex will not abandon his wife too. Just for a moment of happiness???
 
wendysu said:
Thanks, only 3 days outing and I landed myself in depression missing my ex so much and have to face my husband at the same time. It was really very torturing. You are right, i should not sink further.

I asked myself, i will not leave the marriage and kids as they had done nothing wrong, so what's the point of giving myself more problem when i already had enough in terms of financial. I am sure my ex will not abandon his wife too. Just for a moment of happiness???
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Ya, your ex has nothing to lose. Just have his fun and that's it. You wouldn't want a guy who has thoughts of betraying his wife. If he really leaves his wife cos of you, you should be very worried cos you will be the next one.
 
Wendy, there must have been reasons why you married your husband. Where is your loyalty and love for him and your family ?

You better set your priorities right and quit day dreaming over what is past. Once you step into entertaining an affair with your ex (or anyone else), you will find excuses and reasons to fuel those steps into the affair. You'll regret no end over the problems you caused when that happens.

Don't destroy the happiness and faith your family has for you. Wake up.
 
I agree with @teslsa_dream, maybe it would help to look back on what made you fall for each other in the first place.

I can say I completely understand your situation (the financial part at least), because my husband has been unemployed for the past 2+ years, and relying on my one miserly income + paying rent + having to pay off his debts = poor to the point that SBS auto-cancelled my ezlink because my bank didn't even have $20 to top up. I know just how easy it is to be filled with resentment, especially if it's clear that you on your own, could be doing so much better and maybe being so much happier. But in every situation, there are only two options: You are either 1) facing the storm together with love, or 2) against each other. It's an active decision you have to make daily to choose to be on each other's side, knowing you're a team and fighting against the same enemy (in this case, your financial issues).

Something about your ex is calling out to you, and it would do well for you to sit down to identify the factors instead of looking at him like he's some delicious package. Is it because 1) there's no financial problems with him, 2) there are no family and kid responsibilities with him, 3) he has the time to spend with you, 4) he isn't bogged down and stressed by problems so he can be flirty and charming etc.

Maybe if your husband didn't have to deal with so much, he could be flirty and charming too? Maybe if you weren't so bogged down by all these problems, YOU could be flirty and charming to your husband too, and he would reciprocate? Have you perhaps tried thanking your husband for being there for you and your family, no matter what (he could have walked out on you and left you with a mountain of debt since loans are under your name), showing appreciation for how hard he slogs, giving him a massage, shower him with care and concern and affection etc. Even if he has never done this for you, doesn't mean "Oh if he doesn't, then why should I??" Because, somebody has to start somewhere. Showing love is the first step to getting the love you want in return.

I really believe you guys still have something there, and you both just need to be reminded of it, and make an effort to make it work.

Btw, my ex had ever asked me out before, and gave all kinds of signals he wanted to start an affair with me -- when he was already engaged and complaining that his wife-to-be was a staunch Christian and wouldn't let him touch her until they were married, and even then he worried about "how good she was in bed". The moment I heard that, I walked out of there, deleted his number, deleted him on FB, and never had any contact with him ever again. Because what kind of man is that?! Disgusting. I can't believe I even dated him to begin with. Some men are just not worth your time.

Now the question is, if you still love your husband at all, is he worth your time?
 
Hi,

The misery days had been overcome and I feel much better now. Not so miss, i had tried to contact my ex but somehow after the 3 days last meeting, he no longer interested to meet me or maybe avoiding telling me he is not free blah blah blah. I also got to thanks him for doing that, otherwise i think i will be worse sinking into it. Probably he also know what we are doing was WRONG.

My hubby is very good to me now and i do not know whether he sensed any amiss but somehow i can tell he did suspect something but only surface. So to avoid something big happen later, it is also god's will to end it.

Marriage life is boring and stagnant after so many years being with one and only partner. A little stray only few days is kind than nothing.

Financial is the only hindrance in our marriage, if only we do not have to face that, i think our family of 4 should be a happy family.

Wish me good luck and all the best to you.
 
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