Life partner or daughter

T

tiniangle

New Member
I am a divorcee and custody of my daughter is with me. After my divorce with my ex husband, i tried to go into a relationship with a guy for 3 years. But eventually things dont work out for us. I get to know another guy 7 months back. We can get along very well. There are no problem between us.

But recently i brought up the topic of, if we were to get married, my daughter will follow me and stay with me and him. His home currently house himself and his mom. There is another extra room. But his reply to me was, he can accept me and the existence of my daughter. But he cant accept my daughter to stay in his house. He has his worries.

These are the worries i have gathered from him. May not be all as he do not want to say it out.
1. If i have his child, where will his child sleep if the room is occupied by my daughter.
2. If one day, he accidentally bump into my daughter room and maybe my daughter is changing clothes, for example, my daughter may think that he is a pervert.
3. He do not want my daughter to be the reason we quarrel in the future.

He still has other worries which i do not know the answer.

I thought this man is the man i can settle down again and a life partner i found. But his reply, really gave me a heartbreak. I love him alot and he love me alot too. But i know, he love me but not my daughter. He can just accept her existence.

I am really in a dilemma now. I know the right choice or solution is to give up this man and move on. But i just cant bear to do so because we have no problem. I know i had given my daughter a broken family already, so i should not hurt her further. But in the end, i have to sacrifice my love one.. It is really too cruel for myself.

I post this here is because i wish to know is anyone having such problems. How you resolve this? I really cant bear to let go of this relationship
 


There is no reason for giving your daughter up. If he really love you so much I am sure he can accept your daughter. I will never sacrifice my daughter's happiness for my own.
 
U only know him for 7mths and u r sure that he's ur life partner?

A life partner will accept whatever u are and by unable to accept your daughter, i dont think he consider u as his life partner.
 
The room is not a big issue. Both of you can always shift to a bigger house with 2 extra rooms and you can help him with the monthly loan instalment of the house with your cpf. Is he using your daughter as an excuse to deny his commitment towards you right now? I don't know ...

7 months is too short to judge whether a person is suitable as one's life partner. One may love a person but not consider him/her as a life partner yet. Give both of you more time to understand each other better. He may change his mind or you may change your mind.

Anyway the piece of marriage certificate does not guarantee anything in life. Your daughter definitely needs you.
 
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I have a male friend who went against his family to marry a divorcee with a daughter. The route is not easy as my friend's father threatened to disown him and he is from a rich family with own business and landed property. The lady is just an average middle class family. After years of fighting for his happiness, they finally got married in Jan and all of us cried with joy when they marched in. My point is if both of u luv each other, you will overcome everything. Like the rest of the ladies mentioned above, 7 mths is too short to determine whether he is the one. R you too anxious to get married? Give yourself time.
 
your daughter is your own flesh and blood.. r u sure you just want to give her up just because of a guy that you just know him for 7 month? 7 month can't compare to the 9 months you have carried her and the years you with her. You are only her family, she needs you. It may sound harsh and think that we don't understand you. But do ask yourself, feel your heart are you sure you going to go with this guy and let your daughter stay on her own or somewhere else?

Think why in the first place you got the custody. Don't hurt your daughter, she don't deserve this
 
A man who is willing to spend his life with you must be wholeheartedly able to accept your family as well.

If not, sorry he is not the one or else the same problem arise, it will be back to square one again.

Just enjoy the honeymoon moment now with no commitments.
 
It depends on your daughter's age. if she is adult age/financially independent, i think its ok to be with a man who can only 'accept her existence' because she will be emotionally mature enough to understand and cope with new arrangements. she will probably give u her warmest blessings and encouragement. if she's still a child, chances are she would likely harbor resentment in ur action to set up a separate family unit where shes not welcome. i think if u have a daughter who is still 'gina' age (child/adolescent) , better to find a guy who can accept her as part of your new family and not just acknowledge her existence.
 
I think her daughter is not an adult yet since she state that she has the custody.

To me, bf or even hub might leave you but children are related to u by flesh and blood with be yours no matter what.

Since we bought them to earth, it will be the responsibility to place their upbringing as the main priority.
 
Hi all

Why I see him as my life partner is becos we really have the intention to settle down in 1 year plus time. Both are not young. We do not want to drag another dating life for 2 or 3 years again.

Of cos I know, for my situation, the man have to accept me as a package. truth is always so cruel. He can't At all.

This man of mine, he is a very straight forward man. just last night, he said we are over. I am not a strong person. I really cannot take such kind of blow.

if I don't have my daughter, such thing may not happen. And I know, I can't blame my daughter for this. I just have to accept that I met the wrong guy.
 
Hi all

Why I see him as my life partner is becos we really have the intention to settle down in 1 year plus time. Both are not young. We do not want to drag another dating life for 2 or 3 years again.

Of cos I know, for my situation, the man have to accept me as a package. truth is always so cruel. He can't At all.

This man of mine, he is a very straight forward man. just last night, he said we are over. I am not a strong person. I really cannot take such kind of blow.

if I don't have my daughter, such thing may not happen. And I know, I can't blame my daughter for this. I just have to accept that I met the wrong guy.
 
then date forever? dun marry? u live in your house, he can live with his mum? weekend he can stayover or u stayover at his hse?
if u are not conservative type, can also have child even no marriage...

coz i also TTC without going thru marriage first as i not young anymore...

then again, if he cannot accept your daughter and still give u so many excuses already prove that he is the one for you.. and he doesn't love you that much... if you want to spend rest of your life with you, perhaps you shld consider...
 
Sorry to say that, I think your mind set is totally wrong. First, you can even considered giving up your daughter for a man who you barely know that long and now you are saying that if you don't have your daughter, he might not have broken off with you? How could you, in any way, think in that way? I am not sure how you got the custody of the child in the 1st place but shouldn't you treasure that more than anything else? You seems to be putting your own happiness way above hers and that's really a sad thing for the child. I hope you can realize that a man who can't accept your child wholeheartedly is most likely not going to be a man who 'truly' loves you.

Also, it is really true that a bf or even hub might change and leave us. But our child are related to us by flesh and blood and will always be ours unless we choose to give them up. Be wise and make the right choice.
 
@tiniangle hugz..The reason he said you guys are over because of your daughter. I find that he's a jerk.. He shouldn't start this at all if he know he can't accept your daughter, I think he just pretend that she's invisible not really accepting her. My good friend she had 3 kids from her previous marriage she manage to find a guy who accept her and her 3 kids, treat them like his own flesh and blood, and they had a child together, but I can see the guy did not love the other 3 less. The 3 treats him like their father and love him a lot. I believe if a guy truly loves you, he will accept who you are, and work together for a better future. Because nobody is perfect in the first place.

Hugz..
 
Please think of your daughter, we don't need a man to survive but a child needs a mother to lean on, to hold on, to feel love. I hope you seriously don't blame her on that.
 
If i am you, I won't give up my daughter for the sake of a man. We dun need a man to survive on. But our children really needs us.
 
Hi tiniangle, pardon me ..it seems u are scare to be left out...apologized for any offence ...Franky I had the very same fear. It isn't easy I admit to be the mum n dad role. And not feel empty inside.

After a few years of failed dating, I decide no more. And after that was a 7 yr wait till the right one cm along. He accept my gals n even willing to finance their education.

So, don't rush..if this isn't the right man, wait... God will bless u eventually a good man rather than u settle for 2nd best without your daughter.
 
If u love yr daughter enough, u won't even ask this qtn. The man did not love u enough to accept yr daughter. Sorry, out he go.
 
I suppose as a woman, it must be really nice to be treated like a woman again, loved and cherished. Unfortunately, you are no qualify as a "single and available" person. You come as a package. Mother and daughter. Assuming your daughter is still young, you need to not just find a lover, a boyfriend, a husband... but also to find a suitable "father figure" for your daughter. Put yourself in your daughter's shoes. Mommy and daddy divorced. Mommy has custody, I am staying with her. We do not know about daddy, but mommy loves me a lot.

Already, with a willing person, your daughter might be wondering, "would mommy love me less? would the man love me as his daughter? next time when they have other children, who will love me?" Can you imagine, even suggesting your daughter go through the experience with someone that from the start, had already decided against her? It would be hard and cruel - like you said, she already came from divorced parents.

Sometimes we cannot choose the best deal out there, because we have to think of what is best for the whole situation and everyone involved. This might be one of them. Spend more time and love your daughter more. It would be worth it. A person that loves you should be able to at the very least, appreciate your love for others (a child, a hobby, or even a pet!), and let you have the space to grow this love, or take an interest in your love as well. He is not ready - you are much too good for him. Move on and spend more time with people that are worth it.
 
@pixie ng .. he want to have a child of his own n we get married. so it will be a no to ur suggestions.

@gladjo .. u are right. I am afraid of being alone. I'm a person that like to be loved. Of cos I know, who don't likes to be loved. I know I am bad to have some selfish thinking of sacrificing my daughter happiness for my own. I don't bear too that's why I drag with him for couple of days till he can't take it. He make the decision and say we are over.

So now this guy n I have ended. In a short 2 weeks into this conversation, we ended out story. I feel hurt n heartache. But I know I don't have a choice.

Every one here. No matter how harsh or honest ur replied are, I know it's good for me. Thank u... he has help me by forcing me to let go this relationship already. Now is a battle for me to fight my feelings
 
tiniangle said:
@pixie ng .. he want to have a child of his own n we get married. so it will be a no to ur suggestions.
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i guess he is not the Mr Right ba....
if he truly love you, he will accept your kids....

like my friend married a very nice lady who is older than him and got kids... even though his family unhappy, he still marry her because he feel she is the one...
 
He is a selfish person. Accepting you means accepting your daughter including your parents. You are not even married to him and he has already drawn the boundaries. The room excuses are not good enough. If U love the woman U will try means n ways to find a solution. My friend has a son n remarry. The hubby treat the son like his own and volunteer to take care of her son like his own driving him to school etc everyday n yes he want kids of his own too but he tells my friend that he will treat them equal and they can be good sibling.
 
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Tiniangle, give yourself some time. Maybe the man will come back for u again. He might just need some time to think about it. Hope you will find your happiness soon.
 
i ever asked my hubby if i ever was a "1+1" situation when i met him, would he fall in love with me? his reply was a definite no. he said he would never get into a relationship w me even if he likes me. there are some men who cannot accept another man's child no matter what, while some men are happy to accomodate and capable of loving another man's child.
Tiniangle, i just wished your guy was more clear of what he wanted in a marriage before getting into a serious relationship w u. u should move on and look forward to meeting a man who can accept you and your daughter.
 
Hi all

I do hope there will be miracle. He changes his mindset and come back to me.

I do know there are cases like what u all say, the man can accept and is willing to treat the kids like theirs. But still not my luck to face one yet.

I want to remarry and let my girl have a taste of a complete family again. I'm someone that need companionship. I really salute some woman that are stronger than me.

Thanks all for the advice and encouragment.
 
timmerin said:
i ever asked my hubby if i ever was a "1+1" situation when i met him, would he fall in love with me? his reply was a definite no. he said he would never get into a relationship w me even if he likes me. there are some men who cannot accept another man's child no matter what, while some men are happy to accomodate and capable of loving another man's child.
Tiniangle, i just wished your guy was more clear of what he wanted in a marriage before getting into a serious relationship w u. u should move on and look forward to meeting a man who can accept you and your daughter.
Click to expand...

Hi, my bf is clear of what he want in marriage. Hence he told me he is unable to house my daughter Into his home. So I know he is clear.

I can't force or change his mind at all. So no choice I just have to accept his departure
 
Tiniangle, but how come he never consider the possibility of housing your daughter in the first place? all i m saying is he should have considered all this before hooking up seriously with u.
 
there are some miscommunication in us. He thought I told him my daughter will stay with my parents n I will shift in with him. But in fact is not. That's why this prob of us arise.
 
My gal asked me out of the blue, "next time will I have a bf and don't want her and mei mei", I say no and she asked me why.

I told her I love her and mei mei so much that no man can replace them not even their dad. She replied me "that's true" :confused:

Don't say is guys, I can even give up my life for my kids.
 
hi Tiniangle, icic. breaking up is never easy process. u said that u are unlike some women here who are 'stronger'. u may have considered sacrificing your daughter's needs but at the end of it all, u did not. your guy left u because u have stood by ur daughter and u could not accede to his requests. Caregiving of a loved one be it young or elderly is a very difficult task n it takes a lot of sacrifices. i salute u for the sacrifice u made. in the future its better to be clear upfront that u are looking to find a man who is willing to accept the both of u. it will save u a lot of heartache and time. hope time will heal your pain and hope u will remain strong n positive.
 
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