Jealousy over MIL as my boy very attached to her

[aromatispa]

Hi,
Any mummies having the same experience?
My boy is taken care by MIL as i work full time. He is now 2 yrs and attending 2 hr playgrp but he is very attached to MIL. She is always his "1st choice", (natural as she has been looking after him during day time since birth). He will sometimes reject my husband to carry him esp when the granny is around. I'm always his "last choice" and at times, he will push me away.
I feel v sad being rejected as i'm his mother but he prefers his granny and she will always gives in to him, while i am the "disciplinary master".
I know this is a phrase but not sure how to tackle and overcome this jealousy? Only during weekends, i can spend more time with him, try to have more "bonding time" but as he is reaching his "terrible two", hence could drive me nuts.
End up, i become the monster mum who will spank him and put him in the naughty corner.
My husband is his playmate and the granny his "favorite idol" as she just give in to him - his needs and wants.
He also tends to scream for no reasons and more naughty when i'm at home. MIL claims he is very well behave under her care.
Feeling so lost........

 

[mrhopeless]

Are you able to identify which is the Cause and which is the Consequence?

Once you understand the Cause, then next question is are u willing to do something about it?

Young Children response to Routine (Consistancy) and Lots of Love which comes from Quantity time. Breaking his routine will only add stress your child and parent. A child doesn't know what is wrong or right especially when its in his routine, thus, talk to him n ensure he knows why he is being punished.

For example, if his routine is scream/whine when he wants something and gets it. Then the child will always do that until the routine is broken. Routine requires quantity time and consistency to form. Do you have that quantity time to change or to form positive routine?

If you dun, then it will only stress and confusion to the poor kid. Grandparent will usually want to pamper grandchildren then discipline them. So be reasonable and understanding to them as well. Hope u have a good discussion with granny ba.

The other way is put him in a childcare which forms postive routine you agree with and continue the same routine over weekend.

 

[mrhopeless]

Perhaps I give u some example of Postive Routine ba. These are some example of boundary/routine I set for my boy and appliable till now (P2 already)

(a) Cross road MUST hold adult hand
(b) No running when crossing road
(c) Crying/Whinning will NEVER get u anything
(d) Run away from playground/visbility w/o informing me = Game over - Go home.
(e) Mis-behave in Shopping Mall = Game Over - Go home.
(f) Fight with over kids (dun care who start) = Game Over - Go home
(g) Cannot open fridge (when 2yrs old)
(h) Want something, MUST say "papa please..."
(i) Only during birthday, he get to choose what Toy he likes. Other time he can tell me, but I decide when/if I wanna buy.
(j) Nap time = 2pm-4pm and No Bargain.
(k) No jumping on bed with dirty feet.
(l) Keep ALL toys yourself b4 go out or starting new activity.
(m) Cannot throw/bite stuff toy, only hug/play.
(n) When I countdown to Zero, means time to leave playground/bathtub. No Bargain.
(o) Cannot leave chair until finish eating.
(p) Dinner time MUST be together on dinning table and No TV.

 

[frog]

I think I can relate to what you are going through. My MIL comes over to my house 3 times a day to play with my 2-year old son. Everything goes. Toss the house upside down and then next minute wear shoes go down for a walk because "he wants to". My MIL's position is that her job is to play with the kid and be the good guy. Of course, the maid also give in, the father have no time to deal, so give in also. Like you, I ended up being the bad guy.

One day, my son told me "Mama bad guy. Mama not fun. Mama say this cannot, that cannot, everything cannot." I was so upset - I told my husband. From now on, I will not be the bad guy just so that my son can compare me to MIL. I am counting down to the days that my son attends the full-day nursery.

In the meantime, I stop being the bad guy. I just say things when the maid and MIL is not around. I also spend more time with him, including making sure that I am the first person he sees when he wakes up in the morning, and I put him to bed every night. It helps to let them know that we are always there ... not just to shout/scold...

My husband also started taking a more proactive role since I no longer do it... (but someone has to tell them to keep the toys, right?)

 

[aromatispa]

Thanks for all the advices.

Yes, i intend to put him in full day childcare when he is more "ready". He juz started his playgrp last month and getting use to the environment.

Talking about routine, yes i do have certain rules for my boy to follow but as he is only 2 yrs, he might not be able to understand. Hence will start to scream when not complying to his needs and wants.
He is the only child in the family, hence my MIL will give in to him whenever he screams. I will put a stop if i'm around and my MIL knew i won;t tolerate such nonsense. But i can't control much as i need to work.
The most fustrating thing is my MIL knew i am strict but she will still give in to him when i'm not around. My stupid husband is on his mother's side. He said if the boy is naughty, its the boy's character and our job to discipline him, nothing to do with his mother!
How to discipline him while on the other hand the granny is doing the reverse???
Will definitely put my boy to full day childcare!

 

[ah_may]

hi,
can relate to you..
face the same problem as you but i am lucky as not staying with MIL. but the weekly visit is horrible, till now that my boy is 6 y.o, still like that.
learn to cope with it. I find that you need to put in effort to just reason with the kid. he may not understand that now or appreciate but he hears it, he will remember it.
for example, when my boy is sick with flu and fever at 2 y.o, i told him no biscuit, but when we visit, he is given chocolate biscuit, hide and eat in kitchen somemore...
after discovery, I almost want to scream my head off. quarrel with hubby, but this will not work and you are seen as a monster.
so when it happen the next time, I just quietly told my boy, remember that time you are sick and ate the biscuit, you feel more sick after that right, and mummy keep taking leave to look after you, what if mummy lose the job? no job means no money to feed you or buy your fav toy.
I also make use of the chance when we see the doctor, make a joke and ask him to ask doctor if he can eat biscuit when he is sick.

you have to train your boy without having conflict. The disclipine has to be soft approach.
for me, it only pay off after some years, till now, much better and I am still working on it....

 

[ah_may]

if you are not spending enough time with your boy, that will be another issue. find an activity that will create bonding and a positive feeling, be it bringing him to playground at a specific time, read him a book at bedtime, or a routine that only involve you and your boy.
even watching his fav dvd, playing with play dough...

 

[aromatispa]

Yes, i spend quality time with him. On weekdays, only hv a few hrs after i reach home & before his bed time, i bathe him，feed him light dnr or fruits, bring him down for walk, read books or flash cards & play some games if time permits. Will sing nursery rhymes & put him to bed. Trying my best to do as much but still he prefers my MIL if he sees her around. Guess she spends more time with him compare to me & also gives in more to him so he won't throw tantrum.
However, i dun believe in giving in too much as will only spoil him!
I don't deny she takes gd care of him, infact too 'well' till he knows who to choose over . Sigh!!

 

[mrhopeless]

I agree with frogprincess that once u start telling them n explain the cause/consequence, U will be surprise how much they understood. Explain to them why such rule/boundary, ask reverse question to test if they understood. Sometimes its also as parent, we used too difficult words/meaning on child.

Here is a real life incident:
Once I brought my boy to ToyRus to see toys and saw this mummy scolding her 3-4yrs old daughter.

Other Child Mummy: Gal, if u dun stop whinning, then I gonna spank u. bla bla bla.
Me: Son, do u understand what is the meaning of whinning?
My Son: Ermm. NOPE!! Whats that?

I gave him the surprised look and we had a good laugh. Then I explained what is whinning. Back then my son is P1 and his english standard is quite good one.

At times, we as parent used words n assume our children knows what it meant. In reality, they dun bcoz we never explain ;p

 

[peyjia]

Hi all.. I'm having same prob too.. but lucky we r not staying w PiL. Same as ah May, on off visit will drive me crazy too when boy (now 2yo) choose to stay over night at MIL plc, I can't say No too cos I work shift. MIL SIMPLY give In anything, n boy Come home wana open fridge, scream n cry for something, throw things On the floor without picking it up, end up I cannot tahan n cane him till he pick every single toys, sometimes my blood boil till I lock him in the toilet for a few minutes. But he simply do it again.
Mr hopeful, wana ask wat did u do when ur kid no performing totthe positive routine Tt u suggest.. which I hv quite a number of similar routine, like no leaving of chair b4 finish dinner, my son jus leave the chair n refuse remaining dinner, wan me to feed him (MIL will run whenever he go to feed him), I tried putting him into high chair, he climb up n stand on it, whining also mk him nearly fall down.. what will u do when he not comply? Thks..

 

[wan]

My heart is with you because my son is closer to MIL since he was born. There were some regrets which I cannot turn back like not spending time to bond with him during maternity leave & clueless about bathing a new born. I was jealous then

My son is now at P1 & stays with MIL on weekdays due to logistics reasons. Although he's still close to MIL, I have made the efforts to bond with him-

1. "downsize" workload so that I can have more time with him
2. Read with him - animate it & make it fun
3. Draw with him - my son loves drawing & only I can "satisfy" him with all the art material
4. Bring him for special treats only u & him - I only brought my son out (alone) at age 2. Find a place or activity that only u can bring him. Can be a park (play scavenger hunt?) or indoor playground
5. Say you love him - if u need to discipline him, focus on the behavior not him. Praise him to reinforce good behavior. Explain to him about the behavior rather than scolding him

Just sharing my experience as I'm no expert & still struggling. Btw, my girl sticks to me. So I actually appreciate MIL providing the "childcare" while I'm work. It's great to have MIL look after grandchildren to give you the peace of mind at work. U won't have the worry about picking up kids on time from childcare or child abuse by helper etc. It's because MIL is putting alot of effort nurturing your son. Just take over when you are home from work & bond with him. Have fun as children grow up too fast for us to fuss over trivial things. Focus on each stage if his development & make him feel mummy is always there for him (eg. School activities that req parental involvement)