how to get over husband who abandoned me and my son and new born daughter?


True enough, I agree with pixie. I also have another friend that pays alimony to his wife and also his kids. Above the maintenance order amount, he also gives pocket money of $200++ each child. I believe that his wife stands by order that if maintenance not in on the day of mentioned. She will keep calling untill the amount is in.
 
Cool_lyn, I'm looking for one too...

TS, Stay very strong. If he's willing to give you money prior to divorce already, it makes life alot easier. There are husbands who think wives should NOT take any money from them, even with custody of children.
Fyi, most of the time, I would say 99%, the children below a certain age will be granted custody to mother. Unless mother unable to care for children, i.e. mentally unstable, druggie, jailed, bankrupt, etc etc.
It's unusual and unlikely a father will be granted custody for such young children.
Later years he may request but that is another story.

If he has an affair, don't think abt him anymore. Move on. I'm sure you are busy as hell with 2 children already. Have support from family and friends. Don't keep to yourself. Use as much help from family as possible.

Consult a lawyer first. Prepare abt $100-$200 for consultation only (about 1hr more or less) and know your rights. Prep your questions to ask the lawyer. Don't go there and sob and waste money.

Very impt, keep ALL receipts relating to children, from apples, to detergent to formula milk, to feeding equipments, EVERYTHING.
As for your own expenses, keep separate account and record too. It makes the divorce proceeding easier and clearer and the judge will have a better time assessing your requests.
 
selp said:
TS, Stay very strong. If he's willing to give you money prior to divorce already, it makes life alot easier. There are husbands who think wives should NOT take any money from them, even with custody of children.
Fyi, most of the time, I would say 99%, the children below a certain age will be granted custody to mother. Unless mother unable to care for children, i.e. mentally unstable, druggie, jailed, bankrupt, etc etc.
It's unusual and unlikely a father will be granted custody for such young children.
Later years he may request but that is another story.
Click to expand...

i'm not sure how true is this because i have an online friend..her 2 kids (primary school then) are under custody of the ex-hub. i think because her ex-hub has own business and prove to be able take care of their kids. i dun think my online friend is mentally unstable, druggie, jailed, bankrupt.. she seems to be pretty normal to me as we travel together before...to me, she is abit childish even though she is much older than me...

selp said:
Consult a lawyer first. Prepare abt $100-$200 for consultation only (about 1hr more or less) and know your rights. Prep your questions to ask the lawyer. Don't go there and sob and waste money.
Click to expand...

i think alot of lawyer offers free consultation... at least mine do.. i didnt prepare any question as my only concern is divorce at once. i do not need any alimony or single cents from my ex. i also willing to buy over his share for hdb. we divorce non-contested under irreconcilable differences. so no need much blaming here and there.. within 6month the courts give me the final divorce paper.
 
Hi pixie, not sure about the custody part but that was told to me by a friend.
She is very sure care and control will be given to the mother.
Perhaps you are right abt custody. I should say "care and control" instead of "custody"
Seems like 2 different matters.
I think nowadays joint custody very common. But I believe care and control still belongs to the mother. It makes sense to have the mother by the children side, than the father.
Unless proven the mother cannot take care of the children, or perhaps the mother relinquish her rights.

I think the lawyer offers free consultation if you proceed with the divorce.
If just consultation without proceeding, the money will not be refunded. I checked with my lawyer too.

You seem to be very independent as you did not require any alimony from your ex husb. This is easy and good for both parties. Straightforward. My husb would like that too. I wish I had the same status!

But if the mummy is financially limited and is granted care and control of the children and she needs money, then i think the husband may contest abt the amount. After all when it involves money and not all fathers are generous, things can turn abit ugly.

That's where the receipts come in.
 
Cool Lyn, Strong mummy! It's not easy. Really admire the strength of single mums.

Oops, sorry my prev post was referring to the TS, she's with 2 kids.
 
selp said:
Hi pixie, not sure about the custody part but that was told to me by a friend.
She is very sure care and control will be given to the mother.
Perhaps you are right abt custody. I should say "care and control" instead of "custody"
Seems like 2 different matters.
I think nowadays joint custody very common. But I believe care and control still belongs to the mother. It makes sense to have the mother by the children side, than the father.
Unless proven the mother cannot take care of the children, or perhaps the mother relinquish her rights.

I think the lawyer offers free consultation if you proceed with the divorce.
If just consultation without proceeding, the money will not be refunded. I checked with my lawyer too.

You seem to be very independent as you did not require any alimony from your ex husb. This is easy and good for both parties. Straightforward. My husb would like that too. I wish I had the same status!

But if the mummy is financially limited and is granted care and control of the children and she needs money, then i think the husband may contest abt the amount. After all when it involves money and not all fathers are generous, things can turn abit ugly.

That's where the receipts come in.
Click to expand...

actually for my online friend i also dun dare to ask much.. normally she rants about her problems, then i know about it... for her case, custody, care and control all is under her ex-hub. she only can visit her sons every weekend or something like tat... i dun think she relinquish her rights because she seem bitter about it..

for my case, renovation, furniture, maintenance & utilities of the house is all paid by me. my ex-hub only paid 20% of the hdb. so to me buying over his 20% is not difficult and frankly speaking, there isn't much to calculate who pays what more..haha...

plus i also quite prideful. since i want to cut ties with my ex-hub, i do not want anything from him (though we are still in talking terms). i do not want single cent from him and seriously i also do not need his money coz he also not rich.. no point arguing how much money he can give for alimony when he is poor as churchmouse. unless my ex is millionaire, then i feel that there is something to fight for.. but just for 1K or less per month, is not worth my time and i do not want just because of 1K or less, even after divorce, i'm still "tie" to him... for me,. i just do not want to have anything to do with him...

personally i feel that woman's charter is quite unfair because i don't understand why men must give women's alimony after divorce. to me women is as capable as men so they definitely able to work for themselves. but having said that, i strongly feel that man can don't pay for alimony but he must pay for maintenance of his kid...
 
Be strong,there is no one in this world who cannot live without each other. Given u have 2 children now, focus your attention and energy on them. Remember to be positive so your kids can be positive too and be good person to family and society. Road might be hard but in life where got things is easy de. Dun dwell too much on the past, take things and be simple. Your kids health and smile will take away all the pain and let you remember why they are your children, not because of the man but because you love them so and want them to grow up to be successful in life not in term of money but a good human with character, ethics and belief.

As for the guy, is good that u see his true face, as i a guy i dispise such because it shows how irresponsible he is.
 
pixie ng said:
.....for my case, renovation, furniture, maintenance & utilities of the house is all paid by me. my ex-hub only paid 20% of the hdb. so to me buying over his 20% is not difficult and frankly speaking, there isn't much to calculate who pays what more..haha...

plus i also quite prideful. since i want to cut ties with my ex-hub, i do not want anything from him (though we are still in talking terms). i do not want single cent from him and seriously i also do not need his money coz he also not rich.. no point arguing how much money he can give for alimony when he is poor as churchmouse. unless my ex is millionaire, then i feel that there is something to fight for.. but just for 1K or less per month, is not worth my time and i do not want just because of 1K or less, even after divorce, i'm still "tie" to him... for me,. i just do not want to have anything to do with him...

personally i feel that woman's charter is quite unfair because i don't understand why men must give women's alimony after divorce. to me women is as capable as men so they definitely able to work for themselves. but having said that, i strongly feel that man can don't pay for alimony but he must pay for maintenance of his kid...
Click to expand...

What about matrimonial assets? How did you all split? Sorry to ask so many questions. Because I have more assets such as savings, jewelry and funds. I am rather concerned.
 
selp said:
What about matrimonial assets? How did you all split? Sorry to ask so many questions. Because I have more assets such as savings, jewelry and funds. I am rather concerned.
Click to expand...
we dont have joint bank acct.. savings, jewelry and funds all under my name since i'm the one buying.. so no need to split with him...
hdb he paying 20%, i paying 80%.. as per hdb rules, i can buy over his shares but need pay accrued interest.. so i transfer 20% + 2.5% from my cpf to his cpf because he using cpf to pay...
and that's about it... not much matrimonial assets coz we are poor folks...hahaha...
 
pixie ng said:
we dont have joint bank acct.. savings, jewelry and funds all under my name since i'm the one buying.. so no need to split with him...
hdb he paying 20%, i paying 80%.. as per hdb rules, i can buy over his shares but need pay accrued interest.. so i transfer 20% + 2.5% from my cpf to his cpf because he using cpf to pay...
and that's about it... not much matrimonial assets coz we are poor folks...hahaha...
Click to expand...

According to my lawyer, my husb has rights to some percentage of my assets even if acquired before marriage. and my jewelry given to me during marriage would likely be part of the matrimonial asset, including my savings, my son's savings (in my name), my property.
I asked her why.
She said, "You cannot prove that he did not contribute (cash or effort to maintain). This is a very grey area."

I was like wah lao eh.
Now I know why my dad shifted his properties to my uncle's name prior to his divorce proceedings.

I'm glad yours was amicable , somehow. I hope mine will be too.
 
selp said:
According to my lawyer, my husb has rights to some percentage of my assets even if acquired before marriage. and my jewelry given to me during marriage would likely be part of the matrimonial asset, including my savings, my son's savings (in my name), my property.
I asked her why.
She said, "You cannot prove that he did not contribute (cash or effort to maintain). This is a very grey area."

I was like wah lao eh.
Now I know why my dad shifted his properties to my uncle's name prior to his divorce proceedings.

I'm glad yours was amicable , somehow. I hope mine will be too.
Click to expand...
anything which is joint acct must be under matrimonial assets but hor you can exclude savings (if is not joint account), funds and jewelry for matrimonial assets...
if ur husband give u condo or money or jewelry as gifts, these cannot be justify as matrimonial assets ba...

"Matrimonial assets therefore do not include assets that were given to one party as a gift or inheritance unless the other party can show that the said gift or inheritance has been substantially improved during the marriage by him/her or both the parties or that the gift or inheritance is the matrimonial home."
reference -> http://www.lawhub.com.sg/articles/splitting-up-part-4-division-of-the-matrimonial-assets.html

but if your lawyer say ur hub can contest, then maybe gt chance.....

maybe you can discuss with your hub regarding the assets.. for my case, i gave him a headup so he just sign on the agreement without any further discussion.. like i mention, my case is very straight forward and amicable because i do not want any single cent from him, and he also do not want any single cent from me.. just happen both of us are not calculative tat y can end fast and peaceful
 
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Wishingstars said:
What if the condo that I m staying now registered only my husband's name? An I entitled to some shares of the property? I did not contribute monetary but only through staying and taking care of kids.
Click to expand...
i'm not sure.... but if you are not contributing any money for the condo, why you want to take some shares in the condo?
 
Wishingstars said:
Cause we have been married for 12 years. I don't earn much and I need cash to take care of my 2 kids. Am I not entitled to some shares of it?
Click to expand...
courts will most likely order your hub to provide child maintenance for kids, and you can argue that you need alimony from him to sustain your lifestyle... logically i not sure why you will be entitled to some share of the condo when you didnt make any payment....

just like @selp mentions, she also scare her hub takes her assets especially he didnt come out a single cent... but like her lawyer mention, her hub can contest that he did come out some money or something...
 
Wishingstars said:
What if the condo that I m staying now registered only my husband's name? An I entitled to some shares of the property? I did not contribute monetary but only through staying and taking care of kids.
Click to expand...

I think wife is entitled to the property if she upkeeps it e.g. cleaning, washing, maintenance. It is effort put into maintaining the unit , she is entitled to some shares.
 
selp said:
I think wife is entitled to the property if she upkeeps it e.g. cleaning, washing, maintenance. It is effort put into maintaining the unit , she is entitled to some shares.
Click to expand...
then if ur hub say he gt upkeep your assets mean he can fight for ur assets?
haiz.. i do hope your hub will not be calculative, just be fair to both of you..

coz i dont do any housework, all housework is done by my ex-hub and maid.. lucky he didnt ask for more than he paid for...
 
Sorry, correct me if im wrong. If the property doesn't have the wife's name, the wife did not pay for it, then it will be difficult for u to fight for any share of it esp it's a condo, unlike hdb whereby it have to be sold and divide between the two parties according to the percentage of contribution.
 
betc said:
Sorry, correct me if im wrong. If the property doesn't have the wife's name, the wife did not pay for it, then it will be difficult for u to fight for any share of it esp it's a condo, unlike hdb whereby it have to be sold and divide between the two parties according to the percentage of contribution.
Click to expand...
Can fight for it.
http://www.singaporedivorcelawyer.com.sg/what-are-matrimonial-assets/

As long as wife proves she Contributed in maintaining the asset. Even if non financial.
But contest here n there, in the end also must see how gd your lawyer is and how the judge decides. Very subjective one
 
selp said:
Can fight for it.
http://www.singaporedivorcelawyer.com.sg/what-are-matrimonial-assets/

As long as wife proves she Contributed in maintaining the asset. Even if non financial.
But contest here n there, in the end also must see how gd your lawyer is and how the judge decides. Very subjective one
Click to expand...

yupz..for intangible contribution always need to contest here and there, and make until very expensive and lengthy...

tat y i always say both parties should not be calculative and try to be fair to each other, then everything will be smooth smooth... if you pay for something, you can gain the shares.. if you didn't pay for something, then i dont understand why want to fight for it... especially the hub will pay for the alimony and child maintenance...
 
smiggleprincess said:
I'm in the same situation as u...
I wanna divorce And no $ for lawyer...

Me and gladjo meeting up to discuss. Let us know if you like to join. We can support each other
Click to expand...
HI Ladies i am nw facing same mattrers as u al and worst part of my age 50 tis year of having divorce
 
Hi mummies... i wanted to get a separation n i get my lawyer to do it, but my husband making things difficult for me he want documents to be deliver to his door step then he consider.. what should i do?
 
1) if he doesn't want to come and sign the birth cert when baby is born, then how to do the birth cert?
you can omit his name totally

2) ica said baby cannot follow my surname, have to follow papa's last name according to law. Means we have to do deed poll for the kids after that? Not willing to put his last name as he never spent a single cent or effort bringing up the kids and yet they have to take his name.
it is quite weird that ica say cannot follow your surname. from what i understand, the baby of single mum will follow the mum surname.
http://statutes.agc.gov.sg/aol/search/display/view.w3p;page=0;query=DocId:d148dedc-a872-45e4-87af-1aa9ed362c76 Status:inforce Depth:0;rec=0 (go to point 10 & 11)

3) if he not in Singapore for the divorce, how to serve him notice? Checked with legal personnel and they said have to either travel to his country serve notice personally or advertise on their local newspapers, either way it will cost me a bomb! Any other alternative for this?
i duno which country, but advertise on newspaper is not that expensive...unless the requirement need to have big size and for a long period of time like 1 month,

4) if he claimed that he is jobless and refused to give maintanence, is there any way I can fight for it? His country doesn't issue pay slip, no employment letter, and give salary by cash only.
if he is jobless, he really cannot give maintanence coz he no money. obviously he come here to sponge on you, so hard that you will get any money back. but at least you get pass this now.

5) even if he consents to give maintanence, what if he goes back to his home country and dun pay? Enforcement by family court requires to serve him notice personally but if he is not in Singapore, will the court issue arrest warrant on him and once he stepped in Singapore again, they will make him pay? How can I go with this?
err..logically i dun find it makes sense... but you can ask lawyer about it.. i dun think court would keep a record of all men who doesnt may maintenance fee with custom...
. then again you need not worry, because i think hard chance you will get maintenance...
 
Hugs hugs , moonbebe
I understand what u going through. Stand strong for the kids. U will get pass this phase soon. Since now u are pregnant, ur hormones changing u feel vulnerable. Get family and frens support is very important. Remember u are not alone. I was in the same scenario as u. Be strong
 
moonbebe said:
@pixie ng Thanks for the advice. I had previously thought of omitting his name from birth cert but was advised against it after seeking legal advice.
Reason given to me that if i omit his name, the child will be deemed illegitimate and there might be legal repercussion when we divorced - cannot claim maintenance / responsibility on the baby from him. Not eligible for baby bonus also, which might not be a big amount, but will be very useful since i am the only one supporting the kids now. Ica claimed there is this Registration of birth Act where baby is required to follow father's last name. so just cracking my head now to make him sign the birth cert. Might have to negotiate with him and exchange some benefits :( Furthermore, even thou it seems bleak that he will pay any maintenance, i will fight for it for my children who are also his responsibility as well. i just don't want him to walk away freely and have any chance to remarry here again and start a new life without any liabilities.
Click to expand...

you think he won't go back to his country or any other countries to sponge on other women? you think by forcing him to sign his name on the birth cert, it is a bargain chip for him to take care of the children? it is easy for him to start a new life because he is irresponsible. he does not care about his kids at all. the only person he cares about is himself... i guess you can try your best to make him pay. but if i were you, i would rather spend the effort on building a better future for my children without him. maybe bluff him that if he sign his name on the birth cert, you will give him 1k from the baby bonus but end up don't give him any single cents. i won't pin hope that he will care about the children

if it is singaporean, we can still use women charter. but if foreigners, i think is quite a stretch
 
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