Chinese New Year Family Problem

[Pixmac]

Just wanna find an avenue to pour my heart out.

Problem with in-laws for Chinese New Year (CNY).

My husband and I are Malaysians but staying in Singapore.

Every CNY, we have been celebrating it in his hometown Johor. For the past 10+ years since I married into his family, I have never once celebrated CNY with my family. But 2 years ago because one of my family was very sick till almost died, I decided I should make it a point to go back and celebrate with my family too. So we will drive off on 2nd day of CNY to my hometown up in the north Kedah. Spend 2 days there and drive back to Johor. Rest 1 day and go back Singapore.

But this year because my son has exam on the week after CNY, I cannot allow him to miss school during that week. Hence, I am making him skip school 2 days before CNY to give us the traveling time. Due to this, we need to go up to my hometown first, then come back on 1st day of CNY to Johor and spend the rest of CNY with his family.

Initially, my in laws agreed no problem. But now the so called kaypoh uncles and aunties at my in-laws side cause trouble. They say reunion dinner at the guy's side very important so we cannot have at the girl's side. Come on... what century are they living in?! Can't we even have reunion dinner on 1st day of CNY. They can say my in laws are very old so must spend CNY with them. Does that mean my parents are getting younger??? Furthermore, their own daughter in laws staying in HK and Indonesia never come back to celebrate CNY with them. Only their sons will fly back themselves. And yet they can say other people's family. Why don't they take care of their own family first.

I just quarreled with my husband over this. I said if they dare say in front of my face, I will definitely tell them I should follow their daughter in laws and just go straight to my own family and not even come back to "bai nian" with the parents in law.

It's as if his parents are important and my parents are not. What is this?!

Furthermore, my husband does not even go visit my parents during holidays when I bring my kids back. He only goes back during CNY. Do not give me face. I am so angry that I want to scream! I dare not tell my parents coz for sure they will tell me if I am facing this kind of problem, then they rather I don't come back. Don't quarrel. They will see us during other time because they are very understanding.

Even during school holidays, we will go back to my husband's side every quarter ie. March, June, Sep, and Dec. But my family is only June and December. Yet my father in law can say "You must bring the kids and spend longer at my place." I told my husband off for keeping quiet. Why can't you explain that we already spend so much time at your side. Can't you allow the kids to spend 2 weeks at my side. Is it really that much to ask???

I always keep my mouth shut as I don't want trouble. But this time I really very angry. So I told my husband if that's the case, then we will have reunion dinner with your family but first thing at 4am 1st day of CNY, we will be setting off to travel 8 hours on the road. So no "bai nian". Then on 3rd day of CNY we will go back Johor and get jammed on the highway (because Saturday more people travelling home), followed by Singapore on 4th day Sunday. At first, if I had followed my initial plan, we can go back to Singapore on Saturday and let my son rest 1 day before he start school. But now cannot. So the kids will be tired out from the short timing for travelling and jams. In the end, the kids suffer because of these kaypohs and non-understanding people.

Anyone in the same situation like me can share how you all arrange for CNY? My 2 friends who are facing this problem does it this way - each CNY they will spend at one side of the family. So it's alternate CNY at each side because they say the travelling is too much. But my husband does not agree. Said CNY must spend at his side. I cannot tahan anymore so I force him to go back to my side even if it's 2 days.

This is really stubborn and old fashion mindset people. At this time and age, they still think husband's family is more superior than the wife's side. I am trying to be fair to both sides (and already I give more days to my husband's side) but yet they are still asking for more. Why did I marry into such a family?

 

[mlchoo]

Thats why ppl say when u get married, its not only the 2 of u.
Hope everything works out and everyone happy. As for the busybodies, dont bother abt them. Sometimes I think they find some joy to see other ppl quarrel.

 

[bbtessa]

Eat the dinner separately. You eat with your family and he eat with his family. I will choose family ties over tradition. Which side will appreciate your presence more? What's the point of following tradition to please people who do not care about you?

 

[Tiffanytei]

@Pixmac
I had d same experience as u b4....but mine is not abt d travel distant...it's abt d old mindset..
My hometown in Sban n in law in Mcca, just 1 hr drive....1st few yrs when v got married, my in-law said cannot go back girl's side reunion dinner and cannot go back on 1st day CNY, can only go back on 2nd day CNY...that time I still young, gong2 just follow n suffer in silence....
then my younger bro-in-law married and his wife did go back her own parents house for reunion dinner, I was so angry and quarreled with my hubby over this, as I think this is unfair, y she can n I cannot...
d following yr, I bo chap, after reunion lunch at my in-law, I travel back with kids to my parents place for reunion dinner...

but this yr, I m oso in dilemma...
I actually on whole day vegetarian for 1st day CNY, during my 1st few yrs into d family, they actually changed their menu to vegetarian on 1st day CNY, but last few yrs, my bro-in-law purposely invited those uncles aunties over to their home and serve them meat, end up, me, hubby n my 2 kids take separate table eat our vegetarian meal, n then they sit together with d guests at main table eat meat...so to me is like no respect...
I told my in-law last mth, if this yr still continue like past yrs, I will go back my parents house on 1st day CNY to eat my vegetarian meal at least I dun feel like isolated.....if she doesn't like I oso bo care.....hope there will b no quarrel le...bo song will still hv de...expected lo..

 

[Pixmac]

Last night I spoke to my mother in law because she happen to come down for a visit. My husband told his mother that those busybodies are troublemakers (he added some colourful words too). I was smiling in my heart. I told my mother in law that those are kaypohs. And since that aunty so clever to teach, then why she cannot tell her own daughter in law to come back for cny. My mother in law said they do. But I corrected her that when they come visit on 1st day cny, I have never seen her daughter in law. My hubby also said yes never. Then she said oh she comes back later. So I said, she can so clever teach other people how important reunion dinner is to the family but cannot teach her own family. My mother in law kept quiet. All the time I smilingly say to her... never quarrel one but she knows I unhappy. she will go home to explain to my father in law. She said either we will have reunion dinner earlier on Sunday or 1st day of cny (but she still say not the same as 31st. I dont care. You cant have the best of everything at the expense of my family). Some more she forgot we only go up to my hometown on 2nd day of CNY every year. So I told her, I every year without fail spend with you 2 on reunion and 1st day but this year really cannot. Then she got it. My hubby's siblings are all overseas so every year only us with the old couple. But I also have my family that I need to spend with. My parents only have my sister who is single staying with them. So I know they all very happy when I bring their grandkids back.

You are right. I have been too gong-gong. No more.

Frankly my hubby also agreed its all the doing of the troublemakers. Coz few weeks ago when my hubby told my in laws they were ok. Only this week come with these kaypohs make their heart "luan".

I said I dont want to come down from my room when these kaypohs come to my in laws house. My hubby said ok, dont see them. I am angry that they cause disharmony to our family.

My hubby said no need to tell my parents coz it will only make them disturbed. He said treat this as a non-issue. I told him you manage your parents and I will manage mine.

 

[Pixmac]

Tiffanytei. I too think we have been too "kwai". We have to stand up for ourselves. If not, next time lagi worse.

 

[Tiffanytei]

@Pixmac
Yeah I m too 'kwai' n always 1 2 pleased other ppl, n suffer in silence ...but now I no longer tolerate, most impt is my own feeling, I dun bother how other ppl think or say...coz I dun 'owe' them...

last time my hubby will quarrel with me whenever v discussed abt his family treatment to me...but after he was jobless for 2 yrs, n I m d sole breadwinner in d family, n his family members dun care abt us, he started to see d true color of his family members n now he always follow what I 1 2 do...bo chap what his family said le...
all priority will be me n our kids...

but sometimes, I oso give face to him la...like 1st day CNY, I tried not to go out, stay at my in law place, layan all d guests lo...but this yr, I will see how...if they still consume meat on 1st day CNY, I will go back my parents home...I bo chap le. as I oledi make clear my stand earlier le...

 

[frog]

Oh... a parent once did this. The girl's inlaws called up the other side inlaws and before they could protest, they thanked and praised the inlaws profusely... saying how grateful they are that the inlaws are not some stuck up people like others. how much they appreciate their precious daughter celebrating, how great it would be that finally all their children will be under the same roof for Chinese new year, thank you for agreeing to this, thank you thank you... a lot of goodies prepared for the inlaws, next year will be their turn, thank you thank you thank you....

the other side had no chance to protest. because that would be uncool and unkind!

 

[chingzx]

@frog good thinking! hahaha I approve of this haha

 

[h0pefulyuki]

家家有本难念的经。

This is our 10th year of marriage and since I got married, I started to dislike CNY more and more because it's really when I see how different people can be.

We are both Singaporeans, and our families both stay in the West side. The difference is, my in laws are English educated, Catholics and stay in a house. My parents are Taoists, chinese educated (and not very highly educated), stay in HDB flat. Upbringing played a really huge part.

In a way, we were lucky we didn't have reunion dinner issues. That I forced my husband to go, no matter what. My parents were understanding enough to start early. CNY 1st day, without fail, we would spend the whole day at my in laws' place to help entertain the relatives. Only in the 1st year, as we were still staying with my in laws, we went to my parents' place 1st thing in the morning to 拜年. Thereafter, for a few years, my parents would go away from CNY eve for a holiday, partly I feel, not to give us any issues... And I always felt a bit sad that my parents thought about it for us.

For many years until this year, on the 2nd day it would be at my husband's auntie's place for lunch. Usually not many of the cousins will be there, but we will definitely be. Because the in laws won't be happy if we aren't. I could only go to my grandma's place after that. And my mum's, when they weren't travelling. Again it's because I forced my husband to do that in the more recent years. In the earlier years, we would go to my parents', but he refused to go to my grandma's. So I had to go on my own and lie about him being busy. The best part was his reasons then was he couldn't communicate with my grandma so he didn't want to go. I was mad. So we argued over this for many years. Until I said I don't care if u like it or not, u are coming with me. Or u can just drop me and pick me later. I just find that u are unreasonable and disrespectful. He finally made the effort after like maybe 5 or 6 years.

Best part is every year the auntie would ask, oh, have u gone to your mum's and grandma's yet? Every time I said I haven't, but will go after this, she will say, oh this is correct, when a woman marries, she can only go back on the 2nd day. I always roll my eyes in my heart.

This year, after so many years, my in laws weren't feeling too well so I volunteered to help with cooking for the 1st day. My FIL asked about 2 weeks before CNY, don't you have to go to your mum's in the afternoon? Quite shocked, so I replied:"since when do we go to my mum's on CNY 1st day afternoon? Never." To which he said,"oh is it? I didn't know." Wow I must be invisible then. Or they have never treated me like family for the past 9 years.

I thought the episode was over, then on the 1st day itself, my FIL asked the same thing, followed by my MIL. When I replied my in laws saying that we never went back on the 1st afternoon, my mil said oh I don't know where you all go after my house ma..." Really appalled. We stay from morning till night, usually about 8+, where else can we go after that???

Anyway, I always thought that since his family already takes Christmas celebrations as a big thing, can't they understand that my family only celebrates CNY and cut us some leeway? My husband also doesn't tell his parents to try and mediate. So sometimes I can only fume and feel sad for my parents.

 

[bunnymuimui]

@h0pefulyuki, this is a good sign. Since your FIL and MIL asked, you should start visiting your folks on CNY Day 1. Given that you are helping out at your in-laws from morning to night, they should not take offence at 2 hours away to bai-nian to your own parents. When we don't set our boundaries (ie must bai-nian to own parents), folks take it for granted that we don't value that. So rather than suffer it any longer, just plan that into your next CNY! Of course, it'll take some diplomacy to convince your husband (you can relate your FIL MIL question to your hubby) and have him inform his parents. Good luck!

家家有本难念的经。

This is our 10th year of marriage and since I got married, I started to dislike CNY more and more because it's really when I see how different people can be.

We are both Singaporeans, and our families both stay in the West side. The difference is, my in laws are English educated, Catholics and stay in a house. My parents are Taoists, chinese educated (and not very highly educated), stay in HDB flat. Upbringing played a really huge part.

In a way, we were lucky we didn't have reunion dinner issues. That I forced my husband to go, no matter what. My parents were understanding enough to start early. CNY 1st day, without fail, we would spend the whole day at my in laws' place to help entertain the relatives. Only in the 1st year, as we were still staying with my in laws, we went to my parents' place 1st thing in the morning to 拜年. Thereafter, for a few years, my parents would go away from CNY eve for a holiday, partly I feel, not to give us any issues... And I always felt a bit sad that my parents thought about it for us.

For many years until this year, on the 2nd day it would be at my husband's auntie's place for lunch. Usually not many of the cousins will be there, but we will definitely be. Because the in laws won't be happy if we aren't. I could only go to my grandma's place after that. And my mum's, when they weren't travelling. Again it's because I forced my husband to do that in the more recent years. In the earlier years, we would go to my parents', but he refused to go to my grandma's. So I had to go on my own and lie about him being busy. The best part was his reasons then was he couldn't communicate with my grandma so he didn't want to go. I was mad. So we argued over this for many years. Until I said I don't care if u like it or not, u are coming with me. Or u can just drop me and pick me later. I just find that u are unreasonable and disrespectful. He finally made the effort after like maybe 5 or 6 years.

Best part is every year the auntie would ask, oh, have u gone to your mum's and grandma's yet? Every time I said I haven't, but will go after this, she will say, oh this is correct, when a woman marries, she can only go back on the 2nd day. I always roll my eyes in my heart.

This year, after so many years, my in laws weren't feeling too well so I volunteered to help with cooking for the 1st day. My FIL asked about 2 weeks before CNY, don't you have to go to your mum's in the afternoon? Quite shocked, so I replied:"since when do we go to my mum's on CNY 1st day afternoon? Never." To which he said,"oh is it? I didn't know." Wow I must be invisible then. Or they have never treated me like family for the past 9 years.

I thought the episode was over, then on the 1st day itself, my FIL asked the same thing, followed by my MIL. When I replied my in laws saying that we never went back on the 1st afternoon, my mil said oh I don't know where you all go after my house ma..." Really appalled. We stay from morning till night, usually about 8+, where else can we go after that???

Anyway, I always thought that since his family already takes Christmas celebrations as a big thing, can't they understand that my family only celebrates CNY and cut us some leeway? My husband also doesn't tell his parents to try and mediate. So sometimes I can only fume and feel sad for my parents.

 

[tensilestrain]

h0pefulyuki, 8+ still early. This year after reunion dinner at 10pm, my dear hb asked if want to go over to my mum's place. Haha, who would be expecting guest at 10pm on CNY eve?

I am glad to know that i am not alone in this issue. Since i married, i have not enjoyed CNY. Knowing reunion dinner must be at in-law house, i had lunch with my parents during my first two years of marriage. Hb refused to go and kicked up a fuss during reunion dinner about house not ready for CNY which he had not help out in any way to get ready. It was his punishment for me not following the traditions.

For many years, we visited his relatives and mother in the day on CNY1, only go to my mum's place in the evening for dinner. CNY2, we still go to mil's house in the day because her eldest daughter will only visit her on that day. Still leaving the night to my family. I have not been visiting my aunts or cousins for years because i was told that i am married and should not spend so much time with my relatives. I grew up with my cousins so we were quite close.

Every year, i woke up early in the morning to get ready for CNY visiting, hoping to leave the house early so i can reach my mum's place early. Every year, i was disappointed. Dear hb only woke up from beauty sleep at 10+ in the morning. Anyway, no matter how early we leave the house, hb will still make it in such a way that we only reached my mum's place in the evening.
This year, i still get ready early but i brought the kids to my mum's place after hb wakes up at 10.15am. On CNY1, waking at 10am, still not going to get ready to go visiting, he place the clothes in washing machine and said must wait for the wash. I was angry but told him nicely that i would bring the kids to my mum's place first as she would not be at home in the afternoon. So for the rest of this CNY, he was moody and refused to go other places to bai nian and only spent less than 2 hours at his mum's place on CNY2.

I have enough of their nonsense. They always think they can manipulate me to do what they want.

 

[sane]

How old is ur hb? He sounds like a spoilt child.
What does he mean by women not allowed to be close to her family/relatives?
Is it because so that she won't have places to go and have to endure his nonsense or he hails from ancient China? Aren't all family after marriage? Your family is also his family.
Even my friend's China hb don't think like that. He stays with his wife's family and treat them like his family, filial and respectful.
Whatever u think is reasonable, just stand firm and stick to your principles.
The more u give in to unreasonable demands, the more he think is his right and take you for granted.
Soon it will become his rights and norm.

 

[bbtessa]

This year I did not have cny dinner with in laws. My husband also did not have cny lunch with my mum and dad. It's fair. We spend time with people that we like and did not follow tradition.

 

[h0pefulyuki]

Ya, it just never occur to them that we also have our own family, those are our parents, without them, there wouldn't be us. Sometimes, cannot comprehend. I am expected to help out on CNY because I am the only dil, and the whole clan goes over to their place. Not a problem, but at least appreciate my efforts ma... But no, they think I am invisible or maybe they think it is 应该的. If I don't go over early enough to help out, they will snidely say aiya so tired, all done already, nobody helped in the morning. To everyone who visit. How to go to my mum's?

I remember 1 year they asked me to ask my parents to go over on 1st day, to visit them. I told them my parents have to visit my grandma and they are not free, and they insisted that I call. It was really odd.

Good thing is over the years my hubby has gotten a little closer to my family so it is not that bad already. But yeah, it was tough. So tough initially that I felt like walking out of the marriage. And I told him that I cannot stand it that he was being so disrespectful; what if I did the same to his parents?

 

[tensilestrain]

Sane, thanks for assuring me that i am right to be firm and stick to my principles. After so many years, especially after we have our children, his attitude is much better according to my sister. In my view, he is just afraid that i won't allow his sons to be with his family just like how he prevented me to be with my family. In fact, when my elder boy was an infant, he and his family did not want to let me go near my son whenever they were around, giving excuses like i need to rest or they are just helping.