! Am I a bad mummy? I think I am...

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by honey_bunny, Sep 16, 2010.

  1. honey_bunny

    honey_bunny Member

    Do any of u mummies ever lose patience with ur bb?

    I did and I did it several times. I slap his thigh, I pinch his thigh, I scold, I shake.

    I just did all these last night.. because i spend almost 2hrs coaxing him to sleep yet he cant sleep. I got no helper .. my hubby is outstationed regularly so usually i take care of my bb after my work. At 1st i din feel this way, i pet him, i hugged him (yet he kept kicking), i sang lullaby but all these din make him sleepy. I gave him pacificer which I tot could coax him but he looked at me with his bright eyes. I tried to give him milk but he rejected (cos he just have one bottle an hour ago). Then I decided to put him down on the floor and carry on with my stuff but he end up crying. I din want him to cry cos he will wake his grandma up so i end up sticking by him for so long until i lose my patience. I told myself i should not be angry. I told myself to control myself but i fail to do it. when i scold him i noticed that he looked at me even harder.. he seem to be trying to understand what i am doing.

    There was another time when i was driving (alone with him), he cried throughout the journey. I got so frustrated and i scold him again cos i was explaining that i am driving i cant carry him. I know he dun understand but... sigh after such episode i feel guilty. But such guilt will not stop me from doing it again if i feel frsutrated. Can anyone advise me what should i do to "wake myself" up to stop such actions?
     
  2. september

    september Active Member

    How old is ur kid? Yes, we do lose our patient but pls do not do things tat hurt him/her until in the end u end up regretting. Nv shake a baby lor. If due to ur shaking, he/she die or become abnormal, u will hate urself for life de.

    for me, I admit tat i am less patient esp nw when I am pregnant wif no. 2. and there are times where I lose my temper and beat my boy esp when I am left to handle him alone while hb was busy wif the YOG. then in the end at nite before I sleep, I regret for losing my patient and cried my heart out.
     
  3. sadsinglemummy

    sadsinglemummy New Member

    Hi Ahwee,
    I would like to share a story with you.
    A father is using a hammer to hammer the truck as he is mending his truck. His son saw it and followed his father action. The small boy used the hammer and hammer on the truck and the truck was out of shape. Due to anger, his father used the hammer to hammer his son's hand due to his mischief. When his father realised it, he sent his son to the hospital immeidately. When the boy has settled down in the hospital, he apologised to his dad for his mischief. His dad apologised to his son and asked for forgiveness.
    I have been keeping this story in my heart whenever i am angry with my kids because when there is fire in our head, we can't stop things from happening, but we can tell ourselves, don't ever do something that is harmful to the kids, or else we will regret for the rest of our life.
    Hope the above story is able to help you to control your temper.
    Jia You!
     
  4. honey_bunny

    honey_bunny Member

    Oh my Carol,

    after i read ur story i cried. i cried becos i know what i did is really wrong.

    i must be determine to control myself and set a good example. I know they learnt from us. I know that if we spread love, they will know love. but if we spread anger they will be angry people.
     
  5. violac

    violac Member

    ahwee... how old is your child? sounds very young.

    you must remember that babies function by their needs. if they are not sleepy, they will not fall asleep no matter what. so

    1) don't get angry. because it's not the baby's fault he's not sleepy

    2) find out if it's his daytime routine that's not causing him to be sleepy by night. he could have slept too much in the day, thus needing less sleep at night.

    really... i had problems like you before so i undersatnd. but i always tell myself, i will be easier on myself and the baby if i just let things happen. if he doesn't want to sleep, then play in the living room while i do my own stuff until he's ready to sleep. no point forcing and making everybody upset.

    when my boy cries in the car, i'll give him my iphone with a video playing. or buy a portable dvd player to strap in the car... make use of available tools/items/toys to help you. it's no use shouting at the kid while you're driving.

    don't cry... don't feel bad. we have all shouted at our kids before. but we must learn the child's pattern and find a special way to deal with it. once you get the hang of it, you'll do fine [​IMG]
     
  6. violac

    violac Member

    oh.. and please... never never NEVER EVER!! shake your baby
     
  7. mummyfel

    mummyfel Member

    Dear Ahwee,

    You are never alone. Many of us here face the same problem.

    I believe your child is very young, still a baby?

    I am a fulltime working mum too. Everyday after work I rush home to look after my kids, not 1 but 2.

    At times, I do feel irritated but I know I cannot lose my patience on them.
    I have a boy and a girl. My boy is 28mths and the girl is only 9mths old.
    I felt very guilty of neglecting either one of them as I can only spend my time on one each time. Thus, I will try my best to make up for the other one.

    Dont give up, keep your cool and remind yourself that this baby needs your care and attention.

    They dont know how to express themselves, so they cry.

    Maybe they feel discomfort, hunger, have soiled diapers or having colic.
     
  8. sadsinglemummy

    sadsinglemummy New Member

    Hi ahwee,
    This is a story to wake up every mummies because everyone sure has temper, just that sometimes we really can't control our anger. I also beat my kids with cane...but at times, when we are outside, i have no cane, he tends to be very naughty and in order to make him listen to my instructions, i have to pull his ears...but that is not a good idea.
    We are here to help each other to go through thick and thin.
    Don't worry! Once you are angry, take a deep breath and think slowly breath out...i believe it helps...and don't focus on the baby for the time being. Just give yourself a few minutes and attend to him, i believe by then, you are ready again to shower him love again.
    Jia you.
     
  9. sherry07

    sherry07 New Member

    I can understand the frustration. Im going thru the same issue right now with my 1 year old daughter. It does not contain to only sleeping issues...

    I lost my temper just 2 days ago.. cos my daughter is throwing a huge temper..She wants to go to my helper.. She is more attached to her.. I put her on the floor and told her to get lost as she walks to find my helper crying.. I screamed at her, saying nasty things like im not her mother.. don't drink my milk (EBM).. and ordered my helper to throw all the EBM in the fridge.. Its hysterical.. The pulling the struggling.. She was wailing n screaming and pushing me again as i carry her.. It really hurts me VERY much.. i wonder every single min, y she doesnt want me.. i am her mother.. The way she pushes me again and avoided me was killing me... But the thoughts of how i treated her was even more guilty.. im not a good mommy.. that's prob y she doesnt prefer me.. To make things even worse, she refuses to latch on.. Im not ready to wean her off.. i still want to breast feed her.. Y is she refusing me?? Am i so replaceable?Detestable?
     
  10. honey_bunny

    honey_bunny Member

    hi sherry,

    u r going thru an emotional roller coaster. A couple of my colleagues experienced similiar thingy abt their bb being clingy with their helper.

    Sometimes bb recognise the care-giver for comfort but it doesnt mean that she doesnt know u r her mommy. Dont ever say in front of ur bb that "i m a bad mummy."

    Try to bond with her more.. spend quality time together. for eg bath with her. nap with her. as she grows she will change her preferrence for food. if she doesnt want to suck, tell urself its ok. She's growing up :D. Spend ur time now by feeding her n having a meal wif her.

    kids grow up with changin behaivour. as their parents, give her ur quality time, care and love.

    Actually i have such fears when i gave birth to my son. My Mil volunteer to do the confinement so she have the bb to sleep with her. she do not allow me to bath him. honestly, i was jealous, I am afraid that with the bb sleeping with her, the bb wun recognise me as the mother. I begin to have alot of negative tots but eventually i walked out of it. My bb is so so very clingy until i need some breathing space at times.
     
  11. sherry07

    sherry07 New Member

    ahwee,
    Thanks for "listening".. Indeed im going thru a whole lot of emo roller coaster.. down-wards mostly.. Too many changes come at the same time..

    But im taking it one at a time now. Im at "maid weaning" stage now, spending alot more time with my gal.. bathing her, feeding her and tucking her to bed.. and i can see some changes these 2 days.. Well, she still doesnt want to latch thou... but im starting to b less negative abt that...

    Just to share with u.. my gal was also having the same episode before she sleeps.. she will climb out of bed and walk to bang on the door to get out.. etc.. cry like nobody's biz.. etc etc.. using abt 2 hrs to make her sleep..

    Now, im "training" her sleeping habit.. Im using the ignoring technique.. Before that, u have to let your mil know that u r training ur boy.. will need afew days.. and the crying might take up to 30mins.. Im sure they will understand.
    Then in the room... he cry he scream.. IGNORE.. kids test their limits.. (i was told too) They know that they'll win when we give in to their cries.. So ignore.. let him cry.. Pretend sleep and keep cool... When he stop for a moment, then talk to him and ask if he's ready to sleep... If he continues crying, let him... don't talk to him, don't scold him.. After awhile, he'll stop and come to u.. that's when u put him on the bed to sleep...

    That's what i've been doing.. my gal cried for almost 30min the first nite of ignoring.. 2nd nite abt 15min and softer cries.. these 2 days, quite ok leh..not much crying le.. less playing too... she can even sleep on her own in the noon le...

    We must 1st stay cool... Then things can happen.. Oh ya.. before u start the ignoring therapy, bring his hanky (to wipe mucus n tears) and his water (he'll b thirsty after all the wailing).. hope it works for u
     
  12. charliz

    charliz New Member

    Hi Mummies / ahwee,

    I hope you gals hang in there. Being a mother is not easy. Especially if your hb can't help you much due to whatever reasons they may be...

    You should not think that you're a bad mother. Sometimes it's just that you don't have the patience... And certainly some babies can be quite a handful.

    I'm a first time father. I remember when my boy was just a few months old, he woke up like every one hour at night crying. I put him on his bed, he cried. I carry and pet pet him, also cried. I was at my wits end and desperately deprived of sleep. And I smacked him on his butt. For that, he cried harder and louder. The moment I heard that, I knew I was wrong and my heart really aches. Even though it was not really a hard smack. From that moment on, I have never scolded or smacked my boy since...

    I guess it's patience and efforts to bring up kids. A lot of it...

    In case, you're curious, what was the mummy doing when my boy was crying that much, I asked her to go back to bed. Because, she's a SAHM and I promised her that I will look after our boy on weekends so that she can have a break. [​IMG]
     
  13. ruthlim123

    ruthlim123 New Member

    I suppose when we ourself are tired, our patience reduced.

    I also went through such times. I admit i too also shaked my girl and shouted at her when i dont know why she cry for such a long time.And really felt guilty.

    Afer reading some books, I realised that when we are stressed, our body burns vitamin B faster. And vitamin B gives us more energy and strength for endurance.

    Hence i do take some vitamin B now and then to gain energy and strengh.

    And i realised that i was able to endure more when i am not so tired.

    Hope this helps.
     
  14. die

    die Member

    Xin,

    U are great. Salutes to this great daddy! ;)
    Ur wife is really lucky..
     
  15. dabee

    dabee Member

    hi all mommies out there...

    i totally agree that lots of patience is required tons of it!! thanks for this thread, more encouraging... at least i know i m not alone whom lost control of myself when come to my two boys.

    ruth. thanks for ur vit B tip i will try tt. hopeful will help me to hv more energy level n more tolerance.....

    xin u are a great hb. keep it up.
     
  16. hopefully

    hopefully New Member

    hey I went thru this too, there is this time where I was alone at home caring for my 2 month old baby, who one day has been crying non stop, I am tired, hungry and feeling so frustrated too. I have all kinds of things I wanted to do to stop him from crying flashing in my thoughts, eg slapping him, throwing him onto the bed... But I just put him down and walk out of the room and came back try coaxing him again which he calm down after a while. Yes, let the baby cry (they wont die from crying), but give yourself some cool down seconds before trying to coax them again.
     
  17. pastry

    pastry New Member

    Hi Sherry, Sorry,dont take me otherwise but if the ur girl is attached to maid,in a way,u r so lucky to have a such a good maid.She must have taken very good care of ur girl.For me,I am always so insecured letting my maid handle my child......as she just does not seem to have any attachment for children
     
  18. merz

    merz Member

    Dear Mummies,

    I also lost my anger (In fact I'm super hot temper) with my baby when she refuse to drink milk. But recently I was catching up with this forum about this loving couple having a SMA type I baby, I realised how lucky am I to have a perfect kicking baby who can used her hand to push milk bottle and close her mouth to refuse it. [​IMG]

    Now, I don't lose my anger on her anymore, I think by reading someone misfortunate, I realized my own fortunate. It is really worth reading, just google and type "www.sophiascure.com" and you will find information on them or go "www.our-sma-angles.com", but this SMA website has many baby who already turn angels and thier story really make you cry like anything....

    In fact I feel so sorry for these SMA type I children so much that I donate and raised awarness to my friend for their cause in facebook. (Take note I'm the type who facebook often" --->where got time??")

    I'm also thinking if mothers here can help, please pass around this link or do donation to them. They are quite near in finding a cure/treatment to these SMA children, and all these research and findings are actually privately funded. All money they raised are all from SMA families, friends, charity, and awareness program. So, if more people can help, I think it will speed up the process to put a stop on these cruel disease. Thank you.


    So, if can do a bit, please help. Thank you [​IMG]
     
  19. eastgal

    eastgal Member

    AhWee,

    Next time you are close to losing your cool, please think of it this way: This child is god's gift to you. Please cherish him/her as he is special.
    I am a fulltime working mother to a 10 month plus baby. My daily routine : Morning leave for work with hubby...rush home after work by 8pm, eat dinner, bathe, then to relief my mum of baby. play with him till about 10pm, change him and rock him to sleep. nite feeds, changing of nappy and putting him back to sleep all done by me cos baby prefers me to daddy.
    I know how you feel.. I have been frustrated before when my baby was having fever 3 weeks ago and refused to sleep..he only wants me and not his dad to carry..so I had to rock him from 2am to 6:30am in my arms till he felt better and sleepy. But I tell myself, I should be glad I have this miracle to hold and love so i should be more patient.
    its never easy to be a mother, we as mother/wife and working woman give more than anybody when the baby comes along the way but the love you can give your baby is something that cannot be measured.
    There is no point screaming/pitching or hiting them cos they wont understand why you are doing so...
     
  20. panababylon

    panababylon New Member

    My baby also love to make me boil each time. Sometimes I do spanked her, but always for a reason to make her quiet down. Never vent your frustuation on a baby.
     
  21. xsun

    xsun Member

    we all noe that bbs/kids pick up on our emotions and stress levels. they can feel it if we are tense or calm and they react to our vibes.

    all parents at one time or another will lose it with our kids. its normal..

    i also have my moments with my son when he was younger. his character is very easy going,so itz hard to discipline him. the angrier i am, the mre 'bo chap' he becms. after a while i realised tat im the only one getting pissed and growing white hair. he probably enjoys seeing his mum rant and rave like mad woman.[​IMG] so now i learnt to be super calm, learn selective hearing, learn to act blur, act busy. we muz take care of ourselves b4 we can take care of our kids.

    i rem wat my confinement nanny told me..she say 'tian sheng, tian yang'. i recall seeing families with 3,4,5 kids intow. i rem some mummies with twins (evthgx2), some bbs with serious health problems. we read in the media every other day abt some strong mummies struggle with this and that.

    cmpared to them im very lucky. my boy has his angel moments too. children if they not mischievious, then thay are not children liao.
    by the time thay reach pre-teens, they wun even want mummy anymre. my son alrdy telling me NOT to call him 'baby' when i send him to sch.

    so to all mummies, great job well done!

    tatz why they say, mummies are the best!

    ahwee,
    maybe u can leave ur bb with bbsitter, couple of hrs, then go out for some 'me time'?

    sherry,
    i used to be sad when my boy 'dun wan' me. or he call me by my maid's name by mistake. till i think thru and tell myself tat the maid is my ally, instead of treating her like an enemy. work together WITH her, not against her to create the best environment to bring up ur child.
     
  22. mothers_dream

    mothers_dream New Member

    Most have said it all.

    It is only human that we, as parents may feel overwhelmed and tired and angry and frustrated. It is also normal that sometimes we feel out of control and hit out at our kids and regret later.

    Here is a little something I like to share.

    http://domesticgoddess-ourworldmyworld.blogspot.com/2010/07/parenting-thoughts-to-whack-or-not.html

    I didn't write it. It is from a mummy blogger whom I have learnt a lot from in the past year. She is a SAHM too with two small kids. Her blog is full of heartfelt and inspiring stories.

    When i was going through periods of "low" or frustration, I try to walk away from any potential situations that will upset me further. hope it helps someone!
     
  23. 11042008

    11042008 New Member

    hihi mummies~
    i think that all parents will go gaga over baby's crazy moments~

    but have you ever wonder are we going thru "DEPRESSIONS" or "POST-NATAL BLUES"??
    as i never see any mummies mentioning it here~

    from what i hear from ahwee and sherry's stories~
    it sounds like depression for me~

    i been there too~i never got out of it as i stay with my PIL &amp; BIL...>_<"....
    i vent my anger on my boy (when he is younger) when my MIL scold me for letting him cry as i dont wanan carry him (i dont like to carry my boy too much i just rock and sing him to sleep)..or i will vent my anger on my boy (toddoler) when my MIL side him when he is noti (means he get more beating then usual)~

    i know i am abit crazy but ofcz i never beat him till blood comes out that kind but will beat him/scold him more jia lad abit la~

    till now i am having my #2 going to due next mth i still have a phobia of giving birth to my gal as i scare the same things will happen again as i have a bad confiment exp. with my MIL...and i am a full time mum so sometimes will have weird thinking of how to "lock up" my #2 and #1 together so i no need to face my MIL at all~

    but i wont think too much when i am with my friends chit chatting and times pass fast and i feel relax and chilled~~and now my boy goes to school already and i have 9am to 4pm to myself~

    i think all mothers should have a break from their bb for maybe 3-4hr~go to spa or pedi or shopping~if you dont wanna leave your kids with your PIL (like me i hate them to the core i dont know why and i hate myself for having that feeling) you can go out with your mum or leave your bb at your mum's place or go out with friends together with your kids~just chilled and relax at a corner and chit chat and just throw your heart out~

    trust me just that few hrs for a few days in your week will makes you feel much better~~
    [​IMG]
     
  24. mimist1

    mimist1 New Member

    Hi Baby,

    What about looking for a part time job? This gives yourself some "ME" time when you're working, and it really helps..
     
  25. irenne

    irenne New Member

    I do not mean to berate anyone here but somehow it is emotional (psychological) issues within oneself (parent) unreconciled. The baby is being a baby (age is not the issue).
    Till that is unreconciled, in this instance, it could be the baby crying or whatever. It makes no difference.
    Also, it presupposes that the parent is self-fufilled and content and most of all even if not -he/she knows that predicament of emotional (psycholigical) turmoil within oneself.
    That knowing transforms the quality of relating to what the baby is and it is freeing.
     
  26. jantan15

    jantan15 New Member

    I am a SAHM, going to go beserk... My 17mth boy, takes up to 1hour to finish his 240ml of milk 3 times a day, refuse to hold bottle, he will splash all of it on the floor, (i had to hold for him) he started refusing to suck since 5 months old. I tried sippy cup on him before, worst... as it was spilled proof!
    I tried spoon feed and straw cup on him lately, initially it work, but he had bloated stomach, end up need to feed him gripe water or colimix. Few days later, he is back to 'normal' self, refuse to suck or let go the moment the milk reach his mouth.
    End up i buy evenflo milk bottle, it is abit soft, so i squeeze squeeze as he drink, takes 10-20mins to finish. But i can't possibly be doing all the time, it will become a bad habit.
    He is more willing to use straw to drink fresh milk, same problem... bloated stomach.
    Of course, alot of times i lose my cool and smack him. He understands what i am talking, and he knows how to suck. Gave him 'splat', he can suck non stop!
    Thinking of stop buying milk powder when he finish the last tin in the store room. I always buy in bulks.
    I tried harsh method lately, he is scare of cane, i made him to hold the bottle himself, he will hold and as usual bite on the teat and hardly suck... He will cry split seconds, look at me thought i will help him...etc I totally ignore him, will use cane to make him suck, do my own things...etc He can lie there, lie side way, rest arm on floor to hold bottle for up to 1hour30mins and still have about 60ml milk in bottle.
    Si bei buay tahan... I really don't know what to do. Let him watch tv, hold on to his favourite items...etc Nothing works. He eat very fast thou, he eat all kinds of food/fruits. He will drink plain water faster thru spoon feed, use water bottle... might as well don't drink.
    Anyone can help me please!
     
  27. joysmother

    joysmother New Member

    Jan Tan,
    U reminded me how we too struggled to feed my boy last time.He was breastfed,and like ur baby he refused to take bottle means he never suck,we tried almost all brand of bottles and teats,it was so difficult for me to go out that time even for two hours as my boy only would take breastfeed,and that too for very short time and too frequently.I, my husband, my MIL all tried,tried but he didnt take bottle at all.Then my MIL started feeding him with a cup,in lying position,she used to force feed him,but he would cry a lot.Every feeding time was a real pain and he could barely finish 150 ml.Those days were really stressful.Now my boy is 2.5 years old and we still feed him with a big spoon.Though he can drink by cup,we generally just feed him with a big spoon to save time and fuss.
    Understand that its passing phase,if ur baby too breastfed,trust me he wont take bottle,no matter how hard u try.U got to wait for him to grow a bit and give him normal cup.Can also compensate with adding milk in his food.All the best dear
     
  28. jantan15

    jantan15 New Member

    Joysmother
    My boy stop latching since 3 months old... My mum say think he don't like smell/taste of milk like her and mil. I'm really unsure, I tried giving him different brands of milk powder, worst... He won't drink and cry non stop.
    He seems to prefer fresh milk, but so far he drank was 200ml a day, never tired giving him more, scare his tummy cannot cope.
    Hope this torturing phrase be over soon!
     
  29. xsun

    xsun Member

    jan,
    mabe ur boy is allergic to cow milk?? tatz y he is so bloated and when his tummy not well, hw will he be willing to drink again?

    maybe u can try goat milk or those lactose free milk. but muz tell u smell of lactosefree milk is terrible. my son refuses it or will gag when he smells it. (actually, me too, cos im lactose intolerant as well but really cant stand the smell).

    i suppose if he is taking his solids well then dun have to wori much abt his milk intake. juz make sure he takes mre calcium rich solids like tofu and cheese/yoghurt. worse case take supplements. or can try milo.

    take it easy tho easier said then done, but no use sweating over thgs u cant control.
     
  30. jantan15

    jantan15 New Member

    Hi sungrapes,
    My boy is allergic bottles that needs to be suck! I got to spoon feed his plain water daily, or same pattern... Let go whenever plain water reach his mouth.
    I bought Avent zippy cup, mag mag and tommip(duno hz to spell) all same thing. He lazy to suck.
    Bloated stomach is due to air intake. He inherited my lousy stomach too. Also inherit my bad habit, chew straw! Keke
     
  31. xsun

    xsun Member

    hw abt Dr Brown bottles? it has got special airvent system. my boy been using it since bb cos he suffers frm reflux last time. tried millions of brand and finally settle on this brand cos it seem easiest to suck.

    when he got older, i asked him to chg to avent cos cheaper and less fussy to wash. he tried avent but din like it.

    but Dr Brown is very ex and there's alot of parts. u can chk kiddy palace.
     
  32. jantan15

    jantan15 New Member

    Hi Sungrapes,
    Ok, I will hunt for Dr Brown's bottle and try. Seen it somewhere before during baby's fair.
    Keep my finger cross!
    My boy can suck from munckin bottle already, just replace a new set of straw for him this morning. It is spill proof, need some effort to suck.
    Be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary tomorrow! Whole world counting down with us too. Heehee...
    Happy New Year to all of you!
     
  33. pastry

    pastry New Member

    yes,use Dr Brown brand,its very good,u can find it at KK pharmacy too.
     
  34. innocentwar

    innocentwar Member

    Jan, since your boy hate milk so much, why force him to drink? He is already 18 mth old, it's alright to stop milk. Since he is eating well, just put in more effort in his food to make sure he get all the nutrition needed.

    FYI, my friend stop breastfeeding both her sons at 18mth, and thereafter no powdered milk to replace breastmilk and both are growing well...

    As for water drinking, you may consider cup training...
     
  35. jantan15

    jantan15 New Member

    Bought Medela milk bottle... Boy finish his milk within 10mins by holding bottle himself. He no longer run away when see milk bottle. [​IMG]
     
  36. qq77

    qq77 Member

    dear all mummies out there,

    just happen to read this thread.
    i am a full time working mummy with a 3.5 yo gal and hb works 24 hours shift and taking part time degree.

    my gal started childcare when she is 20 mths.
    almost every day i gotta rush to fetch her to school in the morning then rush to work, then everning gotta rush from work to fetch her and i cook for her everyday. i also do all my household chores everyday.
    this is very tiring, especially most of the time my hb is not in to give me a helping hand.

    i have very good patience. but there are times when i got so angry with my gal when she is mischievious or notti.
    she cry and scream for nothing at time and at small little things.

    i usually talk nicely to her and explain to her 1st.only when that dun works, i scold her, i explain and talk sense to her. parents, its impt that when you talking or scolding your kids, direct eye contact is impt so that they know you mean business. knee down to eye level of your kids.
    sometime my gal can cry and cry non stop for 5 to 10 mins and throw things ard. at this point of time, most parents will continue to scold or even beat the kids.
    what i do is, i will walk away to do my stuff and let her cry. i will take a deep breath. then go back to her and ask her if she is ready to stop crying.
    this way, we dun hurt the kids and also we dun feel guilty that we beat or scolded our kids badly at the end of the day.

    just to share my experience.
     
  37. onsansg

    onsansg Member

    hi, am glad to bump into this forum. all along, i thot i'm a lousy mother who can't handle a baby well. it turns out most of the babies share similar characteristics as mentioned that made us boiled too. i cried a lot after i have scolded my gal or my frustrations over my gal will cause the whole family quarrel over her or me, because i'm so tired out by her energy that refused to sleep. she sometimes dozed off at 2am which is more than 12hours without sleep.
     
  38. xsun

    xsun Member

    i think sometimes we need to be more 'bo chap' and not rush to attend to their every cries or wails.

    maybe with 1 kid we can gv them attention, but with 2 or mre if we do that, we will go crazy.
     
  39. shopperfan

    shopperfan New Member

    Tks for this thread- got to take it easy.. But I cannot stand baby wailing so I try to pacify asap..
     
  40. jennytansc

    jennytansc Active Member

    I can understand the frustation of our children kicking a fuss and our blood realli boils to the maximum.

    My 2 gals are also the same.. esp the younger one. she is realli an attention seeker. her cries is realli very loud and once start realli diff to stop kind.

    When she let me gets maid, i also pinch her thighs hard and let her remember it for her this few yrs that she shld never try my patience. I do not care whether it is pain anot cos it shld be very pain when i slap or pinch (when one is very mad). she went to my mom's helper and cried loudly telling everyone her mommy beat her. I still feel that I havent punished her enuf. I realli wish to slap her mouth until she keep quiet one.

    My elder one i trained until she wont dare drop a tear when i told her dun ever cry infront of me. She will stop think abt it and tolerate for awhile and ask from me a tissue paper. she will then wipe her tears discreetly. I of cos felt heart pain but they realli did something wrong for parents to punish them. Esp this gal spitted at me thinking that it is fun. without 2nd thots, I gave her a slap at her mouth with the back of my hands. soon after the mouth turns red. wow i also got a shock but i continue to ignore her for her to learn this lesson.

    My dad knew abt this from my sis and my dad agreed with my act that kids shld be taught immed one. hahaha..

    Nowsday all kids are noti and love to cry for attention or the things they want..

    If they are fine or after i cool down i will explain to them why i hit them and they will nod their heads to say they understand and wont dare to do it again.

    motherhood is not an easy task esp my hb doesnt know hw to take care of them at all. so it makes me even pissed and my mood swings whenever my hb scolded me for not knowing hw to look after my gals. I think i am getting depression soon.
     
    SloshySoupy likes this.
  41. star_wish

    star_wish New Member

    Motherhood is indeed not easy... maybe it is the pressure at this transistion period... Think of your baby lovely smile should make your day [​IMG]
     
  42. witch

    witch Active Member

    I guess we are all guilty of losing our patience and taking it out on the kids every now and then.

    I have been a lousy mummy too. I tend to scream at my girl when she is naughty, like playing with the water in the dog's water bowl or touch the things in the rubbish bin when I told her many times not to do that and why. She is turning 17 months soon.

    I'm quite sure my girl followed me and my hubby's example of screaming or shouting at each other. I try to control myself but it's easier said than done.

    My hubby is also driving me up the wall. He rather play his games than spend time playing with our daughter. He is aware that he is probably in the 6th place in our daughter's heart - my girl even prefers my sister and brother than my hubby. Yet he doesn't care and is not doing anything to improve the relationship.

    When my baby cries non stop, he would tell me to do something to shut her up while he continues with his games. When I need to do something in the kitchen like cooking for the baby and I ask my hubby to help look after her for a while, he will say ok yet continue with his game and let my girl come into the kitchen to do all the naughty things. I can't focus and will scraem at my girl when she repeatedly do all the things that are dirty or harmful.

    My hubby expects me to know what to do to calm the crying baby just because I'm the mother. I asked him for help but he said he doesn't know and leave things to me.

    Today we had a fight in front of the baby and I felt so bad. And hubby mentioned divorce as well. This is not the first time and to be honest, I am fine with that too.

    I just hope I can have the strength, courage and patience to be a good mummy to my girl and my poor dog. And thank god I found this thread for me to rant my frustration. I'm not a perfect wife and mum but I'm doing my darnest best to do the right things.
     
  43. witch

    witch Active Member

    i also wanna add that my in-laws and parents keep telling us to have a 2nd child so that my girl will not be so lonely. But we can barely cope with one. And given our family situation, we are far from suitable to have a 2nd child.I don't wanna askfor trouble.
     
  44. ruthlim123

    ruthlim123 New Member

    Hi Bebe, i understand what you are going thru, my 2nd girl also shouts and cries loudly in the public and i am really ashamed of it. I could not cope with two children.

    Up to a point, i also regretted having two children.

    I tried my very best to think of solution and to find out the core problem of such behaviours. I found a book called The good behaviour book in MPH. I read and a sentence caught my eye. It goes something like this "The more we want our child to listen to/do what we say, the more bonding we need with the child."

    I guess this is where the problem lies. I do not spent enough time with my children. They need my time. Or quality time to be exact.

    I also have the money problem. I cannot afford to lose my job. My job is very demanding.

    Now i am trying to plan out a daily time to spent with my kids. I have not succeed yet. But you any working mummies have any suggestions, do tell us.

    Thanks
     
  45. loever

    loever New Member

    hi ashley, your situation was the same as mine yrs ago...my hubby and i juz learnt the hard way lor! fought and fought until we learnt from ,mistakes and improved with time. now he knows how to come n help when i screamed at the kids!
    sigh.....i really pity our kids!! wahaha!!

    but everyday is a learning day, we juz learn together with our kids lor!
     
  46. onsansg

    onsansg Member

    hi,
    like to know how's the behaviour of your kids for those whose parents have been under-stressed and shouting? furthermore, they have been witnessing such yelling since young age? do they have some form of disciplinary or behavioural problem?
    my gal is behaving a bit like this as she witnesses us adults's shouts and quarrel since 4mth old (because we were inexperienced and couldn't handle her many varieties of sleeping and feeding pattern plus stress of adults' sorts, etc)..

    can share your experience here and how to discipline the kids now that they are reaching T3.
     
  47. mommyforallseason

    mommyforallseason New Member

    Ahwee,

    Ever heard of anger management?
    I think you better to see a doctor about your problem because your kid is the 1 suffering not you.

    It's normal for a kid to be naughty but for mommy who is hurting his kid in not healthy and normal.

    Better see a doctor to talk about your problem.
     
  48. honey_bunny

    honey_bunny Member

    Hi all mummies,

    I did not know that after my first post, this thread has gone so far. At the point of time when I started the 1st post, my bb was just 9 months old. Now he is 19months old and my nos 2 is on the way. I no longer vent my frustration on him. I read a lot of parenting books to instill positive discipline and I talk a lot to other mothers and realised that everyone has their fair share of the frustration,

    Just to share - My lessons learnt so far are
    1) The tough “stage” is what everyone goes thru. Just hang on tight because I passed the stage and am going thru the next stage.
    2) Every one has their own parenting style. There isn’t right or wrong in each style but rather “suitability”.. suitable for both the parents and bb. Don’t read “too much” on parenting tips/ advises but read “wisely”.
    3) Try to engage your partner as much as possible. Anyway, he has 50% share of the bb 
     
  49. wendy2011

    wendy2011 New Member

    Hi, thanks for sharing. My gal is 2 mths old. When ppl ask abt abt when will I have the next one, i froze. I am fine with having no 2. No phobia but the attention will be divided. Recently, my hubby and I had a talk. He said we shd think twice abt having a no 2 becos of the undivided love given. I dont know. My mil definitely will nt be happy as she very muvh want a grandson
     
  50. tempo4me

    tempo4me Member

    Hi mummies,

    Just hang in there. Whatever you do, never vent your frustration on your baby. They don't know you're frustrated, they will think you don't love them only.

    From my little girl, I learn to be more patient, to tolerate her crying more cos sometimes, it's just her throwing her tantrum. I also learn that the worse time to punish your child is when you're angry cos sometimes you may do something you'll learn to regret.

    For Wendy, I can see your point. When I got married, I wanted 3 children and my hubby agreed to it and we worked towards it. After the first one, I hesitate a bit cos my little angel is very cute and I feel guilty about dividing my attention. But after coming to terms that, it will be even more unfair to her when me and my hubby grow old and passed away and she's without a single family member with her.

    For me, it is never about attention given cos there will be a time that they themselves don't want our attention. What matters to me, is that if I am able to provide them financially.

    To all mummies who have fights with daddies after baby, I think fighting is normal. In fact, not fighting is abnormal. But what can we do? We can only resolve everything when both parties have calmed down. Talk it out. Everything can be solved and resolved as long as you talk it out. I know some daddies don't like to talk, but just tell them what you're feeling honestly, don't beat about the bush, guys responds better when you just tell them "I am tired, can you take over instead?"

    My hubby and I learned many things just becos my little girl came to our lives. Even things that involve conflicts due to the discipline of our child.
     
  51. bbmilo

    bbmilo New Member

    just remember these difficult times will pass.
    my girl was very difficult when she was a baby but in a moment she is already 3 years old now.
    Just had a baby boy and he is equally difficult like her sister.
    Those sleep-deprived, anxiety-laden days are back but we just have to grit our teeth and go along this journey.
    i always tell myself the sweet will come after the bitterness.
     
  52. mermaid_hua

    mermaid_hua New Member

    talk more and communicate more they will understand
     
  53. xueling

    xueling New Member

    I am a bad mom,i have no patience for crying kids. Reading these threas help me alot.
     
  54. ai_sakura

    ai_sakura Member

    Xueling: I don't think that being impatient with crying kids makes you a bad mummy.. don't say that!!

    I think all of us mummies get frustrated with our kids once in a while. Or sometimes too often. But as long as we still do our best to love and nurture them, sometimes these lil slip-ups are forgivable, no?

    Ai @ http://sakuraharuka.blogspot.com
     
  55. davian

    davian New Member

    I think i can join the bad mummy club too. Sigh!!!!!!! I am a FTWM. To be honest i never thought i will be a mother one day as i always dun fancy to have any kids.... My slibling also dun have kids so the moment i know i was preg i was like .........huh?????? I go through the pregnancy as per normal.....but i think i was not prepared to me a mother. I was so surprise that it was so tiring... My hubby side had alot of kids therefore everyone in their family know i dun have experience taking care of kid. My hubby will always comment i should not do this or that everytime....To make things worst he dun share much of the task of taking care. He basically only bath him in the morning on the wkend depend whether he can wake up in the morning. I dun have a maid, everyday after work i must rush to have my dinner, go fetch my boy home. Reach home i need to boil water, sterlise the milk bottles. Wkend I had to bath him and cook porridge for him and clean up the kitchen after cooking on top of 2 tasks which I do on wkday. My boy was a fussy eater. To let him have his milk or porridge is like a very difficult task. Feeding him is really vomit blood. You can image he is only 10.5kg now. To bring him out also a difficult task. He refuse to sit on the car seat and end up we got no choice let him sit beside me if not on my lap. But he can’t sit still. Keep on move forward jump inside the car. It is really horrible. He is now coming 21mths. I was so frustrated that i got beat my boy quite hard whenever i can't get him to do the way i want... I will say if i know life is like that i will never chose to give birth to him. He is closer to the father than me that make me boils too. I am the one that take care of him most of the time end up the moment he saw his father he stick to him real tight rather than look for me. The father is the super good guy will not scold him or beat him. Of course la his job is to play with him only….. I wonder what should I do with my boy….sometime I was so dishearted that wonder why I give birth…Parenting should be a joyful event but to me is like a hate more……………….
     
  56. pumpkin

    pumpkin Member

    Mummies, please never, ever "shake" your babies or they may suffer brain injuries... Shaken Baby Syndrome.

    Do not belittle your feelings... post-natal depression is very, very real. Get help if you feel teary and helpless. There are several government agencies around, or you could call SOS.

    Stay strong, mummies [​IMG]
     
  57. anmaria

    anmaria Member

    I feel quite sad when I read some of this post. I am SAHM..and went through the frustration that all of you went through too. My gal is super difficult to sleep..i have to carry, rock, sing for hours so that she can sleep. Even until now..she is 18 months old now. Initially i was so frustrated..but after that..I decided to spent time and bond with her instead of being frustrated that she can not sleep. I just cuddle and play with her until she is tired.

    We are soo soo close. She will come to me and kiss me most of the time. We sing and dance together like silly people at home. So she hardly throw tantrum at all. If we are taking a long mrt ride, I will sing nursery song to her..and she will be very busy dancing happily instead of throwing tantrum.

    even my husband wonder why my gal hardly cry..the only time she cry is when she had a night mare. Day time...super happy.

    When I think of the old time..when i was soo frustrated with her..I do regret that i scolded her, even smack her, etc. She has grown to be a super cutey angel.

    Mummy..just want to share with you...BONDING IS EVERYTHING. When we can bond closely with her..we have much easier time to discipline them. Cos they won't want to make the person they love most unhappy.
     
  58. ai_sakura

    ai_sakura Member

    Annmaria: agree with you.. bonding is so important. actually my girl doesnt sleep well at night too. nowadays she still wakes up 1-2 times but good considering there were some periods she woke up 4-5 times a night. omg!

    I don't think kids purposely try to make us angry, or do naughty things to make us mad. And we should probably try to remember that... helps makes us less frustrated when we know they can't help it, or don't know they are making their mummies feel so bad.

    Davian: try to get hubby or his family to help u. "force" him if you must.. if not, it really is so stressful to you.. and not good for relations in the family.

    Ai @ http://sakuraharuka.blogspot.com
     
  59. anmaria

    anmaria Member

    yeah..and i will have totally sleepless night again when we travel to somewhere else..
    like going to other country, etc. or worst still, when I travel without her daddy. Will still have a hard time to make her sleep. Children have their own way to express their stress feeling..I think.
     
  60. anmaria

    anmaria Member

    mummy Davian, my girl also have difficulty sitting in the carseat. But I persist..and tried different way like giving her toys in the carseat, or even use portable video to play baby can read DVD for her during our journey. or just sing some nursery rhyme during the trip.
    She is now get used to the car seat and will seat there happily.
     

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