Dont worry.. she is of no threat to you

P

peachtee

Member
Hi mummies,
I have seen many of u shared abt hb having affair. Felt sad for those in this situation. However, I need some advice for my issue.

My hb was posted to work in another work location (NTU) for a project several years ago. Back then, we are not married but dating. He met this lady (NOTE: PRC). Her name is Wen xxxx. Dunno when they knew each other and how often they met or lunch or watever. Seems that she likes my hb. In sms or im, she will say "miss you" kind of stuff. Once for his bday, she gave him a belt. Think one of the vday, she bought godiva choco. He was honest w me and tell me. Think 2010 he went back to his parent company. He also once met her up for dinner in PS.( dun ask me why i was ok for him to go).....

I gave birth in 2011 and 2015. His bday was just over. Several days after his bday i asked if that lady wished him. He was honest and told me that she wish him and say that she is moving to buangkok soon (note we stay in punggol). I asked if she say odd stuff (e.g. miss u) to him and he say no. I ask how they contact n if he has her number. He say via watsapp and he does not have her number. N say only contact once a year on his bday.

I felt uneasy...i did check his hp several times n see no trace of it. So i tot he deleted it. Been v uneasy and my 6th sense tell me that there is more. So i went to check his hp again yesterday. Chanced upon one thread. Name of the sender is ah boon (Boon also means Wen) right?
I scroll through...after she wish him happy birthday.. she say "miss u (smiley face icon) hope everything is well". She also say can meet up often for dinner or supper! My hb din reply after tt. I also noticed that b4 his bday there r earlier messages...... which i haven check out yet.

I stood calm and ask him again if he got anything to tell me. He say no..i asked if he got her name..he admitted.

He has promised to me long ago to cut contact with her.. but it seems that they are still in contact. Why does he wan to lie to me? Why does he have to give her another name that is so intimate? Several times I told him my 6th sense got something...n ask him to show me his msg but he refused.

He assured that she is of no threat otherwise he wun have 2 kids w me.. i feel v upset..

Mummies please help...
 


ah boon is not really intimate... if is ah dear, then something is wrong...
obviously the reason he is hiding from you because you are being sensitive and will quarrel with him. to avoid conflicts, men always go for the easiest way - hide from you.. as long as u dun find out, he wun get shit.

the thing is your husband didnt initiate anything with her. even she keep on pestering him, most probably he just reply her those polite message. i think it is easy for him to cut contact with her, but with a person keep on messaging him and your husband does not want to be rude and brush her off, there's no way to stop it. Or you can block the person via watsapp and call. not sure will work on sms though...
 
If your husband wants to have affair with this PRC he would have started long ago n not wait till after married then have one. If he really want to hide something he will just keep his phone with him all the time, come back late, not picking up your calls. He won't even report to you his whereabout or want to talk to you about this woman when you ask him. He can don't even contribute to the family when you ask him for money. Man don't like woman to keep persuading and asking the same questions over and over again. Man will get fed up cos already answer the question but yet woman don't listen and want to keep persuade so man rather keep quiet about it. As for that woman, do you think she really miss your husband? She misses is the money not the person. So don't think so much about it and has trust in your husband. In marriage life is all about trust and understanding.
 
September..i think so..i din ask also. Honestly speaking i really think is a guy.. then again y put such initimate name? Plus put Ah boon, her name will be in top of the contact list..whereas wen xxxx will be behind....I think if he wan be honest w me; he wun b like tis... n since he chose to be honest w me abt this lady, why give me the half truth?
 
Coz he will get hell when he say everything. In the 1st place, if there is nothing to hide, he wont hv save her name as ah boon to pass off as guy. To me Ah Boon is nt an intimate name, but more of fishy as in y try to pass her off as guy.
 
Yar maybe i used e wrong term...fishy is a better word.. n she noe he is attached.. why she wanna do such thing? she used to stay in jurong.. now staying in serangoon n few years later moving to buangkok..n now we r staying in punggol.. getting nearer n nearer! N say can meet for dinner or supper..what is her intention?
 
Her intention is obvious but nt impt. Most impt is wat is ur hb intention when he obviously know she is interested in him right. My view is that he is leading her on....
 
My hb is a v nice person..so he wun be bad towards her.. n my feel is tt he is too nice that she got the wrong idea.. n he know she like him..i duno y he dun wan keep a distance too... aigh
 
Sigh...she bought a 1 bedroom condo in buangkok (jewel).. in e watsapp msg my hb also ask if can use her facilities or not.. she say ok..n put smiley face... why why why? the thing is we stay near prive condo and we have friends staying there lo! We can just go there..
 
Identify urself yourself as the wife and text her. Tell her that u happened to read the text in ur hub's hp and you don't feel comfy about it. Tell her to stop contacting ur hub.
 
Wahhh ... i know my hb n i will quarrel big time if i do this..likely he will say tt this is his fren..y must stop him etc kind of words.. get me?
 
peachtee said:
Wahhh ... i know my hb n i will quarrel big time if i do this..likely he will say tt this is his fren..y must stop him etc kind of words.. get me?
Click to expand...

If me he sure get shoot big time!! He know I don't like, still purposely contact her and still want to use her condo facilities. Finding a excuse to go her house??
What if the table is turned and you are the one who did all these instead, how will he feel? Will he like it?

A true platonic female friend will not make you feel upset.

Since u don't like, might as well put a full stop to it.
 
Yar he know i dun like him to be in contact w her..but i think is tt lady who pester him.. sigh..so for now my tactic is to show her how much love between me n my hb... coz i dun want do funny tging to spoilt e relationship...
 
I did a small experiment. Told my hb just now that i read online that there r many mummies whose hb are distracted or chose to be with other women (e.g. prc). Then i say some hb change the name of the 3rd party to a guy name.. e g yong wen..ah yong ah wen ah boon..i ask if he got do such or not..He say no.. *heart break* why want to hide? I say i wun be able to take this kind...he then ask if there are any tactics discussed here to handle e 3rd party..

Mummies any more tactics?
 
Really can't think of other tactics other than being direct and straightforward :cool:

I will suggest u to have a heart to heart talk with your hub and let him know the love u have for him, how much he meant to u and how insecure u feel towards this woman.

If he respect and love you, he will keep a distance.
 
You should let your hb knows how you feel abt his staying in contact with this prc woman. He might not be interested in her at the moment but with the woman taking the initiative no one knows what will happen next.

If your hb cares abt you n treat her as just an ordinary fren, he shd cut off contact with her if it makes you uncomfortable. Unless the woman knows his office contact etc, else he shd consider changing his hp nbr so tat the woman wont be able to txt him anymore or blk her in his contact list includg watsapp, then she wont be able to call,txt or watsapp him.

Trust yr sixth sense. If you dun feel rt now, better take action n be safe than sorry later.
 
I told him how i feel.. n ask him cut contact. He say ok but he cannot stop that lady from contacting him...i noe him.. he wun just change his number becoz of me being uncomfortable..he will think tt this actioN Is childish...get me?

After the experiment i did a check in his hp.. n i double check..he deleted e thread w her but her contact is still in his hp..is he feeling guilty? It really makes me wonder what they did together in e past behind my back....i feel v uneasy..As of now i wun confront him coz my child is resting at home coz she was sick recently..

Anyway..is there anyway to block her in his hp and fb without him knowing?
 
Actually being frank about your feelings is impt. You stated and he did delete so he acknowledges your feelings. That's a good step. Actually fundamentally nice guys always attract the wrong attention but I'm sure it is also this niceness of him which you are attracted to. Try accepting and if you really can't then you need to be honest about your feelings. Tell him yes I'm paranoid, yes this might be unreasonable but I wld really appreciate if you delete her number. But this will keep me at ease.
At least you are nice too, use these experiments so at least still got space to take a step back. I wld have just said so ah boon miss u ah?!!?!! But not every guy can take it. Boils down to what has been working for you in your marriage as means of communications. If face to face is difficult, have you considered writing?
 
Hi,

If yr hb claim that it's the woman who's pestering him and has no intention to stay in touch with her, then it's really up to him to stop contacting her and block her nbr in his contact list, watsapp and facebook. Even if you block it off, he can still unblock it or save her contact under a different name. Technology is so advance now and there are so many platforns to stay in contact which might not even need a contact nbr such as wechat. It's really up to him to stay firm in not contacting her and to provide you with the assurance.

Find a time to have a gd talk with him. Tells him that this whole thing really upset you. That you trust him but not that woman who might have a motive for pestering him(prc are well known for that). There will always be a way if one is serious abt not staying in touch.
 
He say this to me yesterday... " if anything wrong back then, i aso never 对不起you" when he know tt prc, we were dating.... n planning get hdb.. i was v affected w what he say...
 
u should have a heart to heart chat with your hubby about this issue if its bothering you. be honest. however be kind with your words when approaching"ah boon" cos wouldn't want you to look petty, makes you look bad in front of him. you know your hubby well. is he capable of cheating? i think you should trust him at this heart to heart. if possible, create an outing or house warming to meet this 'ah boon' so you get a better feel of this person and not be threatened by her.
 
peachtee said:
I did a small experiment. Told my hb just now that i read online that there r many mummies whose hb are distracted or chose to be with other women (e.g. prc). Then i say some hb change the name of the 3rd party to a guy name.. e g yong wen..ah yong ah wen ah boon..i ask if he got do such or not..He say no.. *heart break* why want to hide? I say i wun be able to take this kind...he then ask if there are any tactics discussed here to handle e 3rd party..

Mummies any more tactics?
Click to expand...

both of you start to be honest with each other, rather than see whose tactics is more power?
 
peachtee, my opinion is to just drop the matter if you have already been direct and expressed your dislike about ur hubby keeping in contact with her. blocking her no/deleting her contact fr ur hubby hp/fb is quite useless. if a man chooses to remain faithful to u, he will be faithful. its all about choices people make. temptations are literally everywhere.
 
If u ask me, ur hb definitely hv some feel for tat gal. If one hv no interest in another person, even if tat person try all means to contact him, he can dun reply at all and all ties will be cut so dun need to change hp no. But it seems tat he keep in contact wif her purposely de. As a gal lah, if a guy nv reply ur msg after few times will u still keep msging him?
 
I think September hit the nail there. You may need to have a closer view at the exisiting situation before thinking about the next move. This kind of msging is not healthy. Emotional attachment is a sudden thing. But you know it, you have already let your guard down and the person is in your mind already. These are things that must be prevented at all costs. because the moment emotional attachment is there, other things may follow. To prevent at first is always the easier route to take.
 
Ask your husband to bring you along for dinner with the gal loh. If they have nothing to hide, I am sure he shouldn't mind you joining his dinner with his "friend". Changing the name in his phone book does sound very fishy though.
 
We had a big arguement coz of this. He say he change e name for my sake so i wun get ki siao..i still find it odd. If he choose to be honwst with me abt her since day 1, i see no reason y he shd change the name even if i dislike it..

I chanced upon her blog... some of e posts r odd n especially those b4 my wedding day..
saying tt she learnt a lot n it will b part of her memories....
 
I agree the changing name part is indeed fishy. My ex bf did that to me once. He was with this girl call faith n chg her name to fatimah in his hp. I get my fren to call that fatimah but ask for faith n she acknowledged. So i guess the reason yr hub gave is pretty lame.
 
Peachtree, the most important question to ask yourself is what are the consequences and outcome you are looking for? What will you do if he were to admit? Forgive or divorce? To be honest, if you will forgive, then no need to insist on admission to make the relationship worse. Just let the argument served as a warning to him that this is the last time you want to hear anything from her and move on. Unless u are ready to pack and go...
 
if the person's name has to be hidden under an alias, then there is really a problem in the friendship.

tell your husband, an emotional infidelity also means having an affair. can put the evidences in court, cost him his house and alimony.

however, the woman will forever be there, no matter what you say or do. i know u could not disagree with me more.

i know it is not easy.

love yourself more.

go make friends like he does.

some husband can have fun outside but at home at least they show some respect to the wife.

but some guys does not know how to stop.

again, it is not easy but remind yourself, life is not about him only.

life is also not a bed of roses.

good luck.
 
Last edited:
peachtree,

So do u buy his story after the argument? What is ur thots after reading her blog? Impt nw is what ur thots and what u intend to do?
 
This year my hb bday, we are in hospital coz my no. 2 is hospitalised. This period we r so worried and tired... n he can still think of lying to me abt her swt messages...he say dun 1 2 make me think so much..u all think he really mean this?

1)Yesterday, he took a pack of hello kitty biscuits..wan give me eat..he say see cute.. then he say 她喜欢hello kitty..n in her blog she post that she received hello kitty figurines.. i m sure he knows that she likes hello kitty..

2) I aso say..you know you are attached back when working in ntu..why din you keep a distance from her when u see that she is showerinh him with swt messages and gifts? Is it that he do not get this from me?

Para 1 n 2 i wrote in a watsapp to him but no response from him...........

B4 we got married in 2011, i went overseas few times for work...i really wonder if anything hapoen bw them or not....

Sighh
 
Actually change name - I feel may not mean anything... I don't hv anything with this guy fren but as my then bf was easily think too much type, so I also changed that guy name to something else cos my bf gets silly and I have to entertain questions that is just meaningless cos there is nothing between us and spoil my mood. And I was just trying to keep away or have less communication with this guy- that's all.

That's my experience la.. just to share only.
 
some guys find it irritating to communicate such things by whatsapp.

again the woman will always be there.

even if he stop messaging with her, a lot of things might still remind him of her.

i know its not easy...we all need to work everyday. the things...the situation we are exposed to outside. some people dont understand what is self control, what can we do?

unless we can take over their mind
control what they do or say

but the truth is they cannot register in their head

or what other solution u have?
 
Until today he din respond to me on that.. i see that it might be the truth..if not he will say something to correct it..

Sigh.....sigh...
 
Peachtee, will u be able to trust him again coz the trust hv been shaken due to this incident. And will u be curious to keep wanting to check his hp?
 
Seriously i did a check in his hp.. nothing found.. but i want to know what happened between them in e past. I hate to be fooled n want to find out..
 
In her blog i found that she took a photo of my hb in his master graduation. He was delivering a speech. Besides that i saw a photo of a person ear wearing a star stub in her blog. I suspect is my hb... n while preparing to go out i chanced upon my hb old ear stub..he has a star one and 1 is missing... n i compare w e one in her blog..it looks e same......
 
i checked with my hb...showed him the photo in that blog..he admitted that it was his ear.. but he say he doesnt know that it was taken and posted. he say she might have taken secretly. Do you all think is possible?
 
I guess what's past should just be left behind and concentrate on what is now that is more important..

Sometimes I wonder what is the intention of that woman since she knows he's married and has kids.
 
Even though its past events, I just hate to be cheated.. if i have known tt he is such a person, i wouldnt have married him..
I just feel threatened coz my hb seems to b v protective over her when asked abt her..
do u all think that a photo of e ear can b taken clearly without moving? I have my doubts here.....
 
peachtee said:
Even though its past events, I just hate to be cheated.. if i have known tt he is such a person, i wouldnt have married him..
I just feel threatened coz my hb seems to b v protective over her when asked abt her..
do u all think that a photo of e ear can b taken clearly without moving? I have my doubts here.....
Click to expand...
Yes, you have your doubts but what will you do if he own up? You are already married to him. It is the fact. Stop telling yourself 'if I have known that he is such a person, I wouldn't married him'. You have to move on, girl. You are not accepting his excuse and you can't let it go. You are making life miserable for yourself. So if you think you will be happier, just divorce him if it makes you at peace. Your doubts and actions will push him to the other woman. Why not just calm down and think what you want? You will go crazy thinking of it everyday.
 
Hi peachtree
Sorry to hijack ur thread. .I'm very miserable n perplex now too.. situation is quite similar to u only we are TTC-ING for 4yrs & finally.. going for ivf embryo trf next wk.

All along I tot I've married a good man.. everyone, family n frens all think well of him can vouch for his gd character n all

But last wk I found a msg from his WA to his "work phone" saying "bb I miss u" .. was totally crushed.. my fren help to do a call & found out is an ex colleague who took over his portfolio when he left .. found out that she married last yr & seems like he kept searching her profile on n off for past 3mths

Now whenever his WA is online she will be too & I can't stop thinking what mushy convo is going on..

I do not have the guts to confront him straight with no concrete proof..it's tormenting me for past wk.. cant eat cant slp..

he kept deleting all msgs. . Just today he lie that one of our fren ask us over to her place for lunch n he reject cos he will be cooking at home.. when I sneak a look at the phone, that fren asked ytd but how he put across is like she asked n he is replying her at the same time.. which means he is openly texting that bitch while lying to me

I must get more evidence b4 confrontation but duno how.. any advice? Anyone try before hp tracking software?Google n Found some program - "handphone spy" & "maxxspy". Anyone use before? Isit reliable?

I'm living n sharing a bed with a cheater n liar whom I love n trust the most :(
 
Recrntly he has been comparing me with other women...i do not know why.. say it is good that there is competition... what does he want to say here?

I also ask him yesterday if he regretted knowing me.. he just say " i forgotten already" what kind of answer os that? Sigh
 
when men give this type of answer, really hopeless case i feel. maybe sometime later in the future, he will think back and regret. for now, move on.
 


peachtee said:
Recrntly he has been comparing me with other women...i do not know why.. say it is good that there is competition... what does he want to say here?

I also ask him yesterday if he regretted knowing me.. he just say " i forgotten already" what kind of answer os that? Sigh
Click to expand...

Hi Peachtree,
Have you been feeling low and mopping around in front of him? Can you remember your former self before you started becoming suspicious of your hub?

From your nick, I am guessing a chirpy, cheery and lovely young lady who smiles a lot. Are you still so happy? I will advise you not to let that PRC affect you so much any more. Reject all those negativity and look for your life back. Plan happy family outings with your kids...whether your hub joins or not, don't let it matter so much to you. Bring back the desirable and happy woman that he love, if that is possible. Hugz...
 
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