Communication with spouse

L

Linwong

Member
Really feel tired living with someone whom i feel cant really go deep together in thoughts. Why? Is this how i should describe the way i feel now? Just like just now..........when i was making milk for my girl halfway and the boiler had run low on water level and got to refill the water for boiling. I was mumbling to myself when suddenly my spouse remarked that i was whole day at home and didnt take notice of it. I was really not happy and told him what he said was wrong. I told him i had to mop the floor, collect and fold laundry, put clothing to wash and make my girl to bed. Is it he thought i was idiling at home and shaking my feet the whole day long? I know he has to bring home the bacon and the whole family is waiting for him to bring back money but we sahm is not having it easy either. Who likes to come home and see things in disarray? Who likes to step on dirty and sticking flooring and who is the one doing the laundry? Other than the maid, i think there is no suitable ones to fit the bill except we the housewives. Yet all i get is this sort of critical remarks he himself felt he meant no harm but is an insult to me. I feel so worthless and really idiotic.







waiting for him to bring money back home but we sahm is not having it easy at home either. Who likes to come home and see
 


Some husbands r always dissatisfied and always critise, and its not ur fault (u r not worthless, dun think so negatively)
Have u thought of going back to work?
 
I have no intention at the moment but was looking into homebased assignment to earn some pocket money for myself. I also wanted to look after my own girl to build up the bond and she is almost two and i have come a long way since giving birth to her. That day, he finished a packet of bee hoon and left a pair of chopsticks in the sink. I told him to wash it up next time round such a simple thing why mus leave it there like that? I am a cleanliness freak and cant stand things lying around such a sight is an eyesore to me.
 
Erm dun mind me saying. Have checked ur own tone and pitch when talking to him?
R/S is a 2 way communication. There must be a trigger point that started off this whole issue.
 
I merely told him he was wrong to say that after that walked into my room. He always told me i had to think negatively everytime he made a comment and from there sometimes his speaking tone raised and i got more angry after that we jus gave each other the cold shoulder. I cant stand the way he talks and he also cant stand me thinking negatively so i jus leave things as they are as i feel we are like opposite poles of a magnet which will repel when put together.
 
Hi Linwong

I totally understand how u feel abt e house being in a such state. I'm also a SAHM with 3 schooling kids n a 23 mo toddler.. U can imagine e mess of my house daily.
I agree r/s is a 2-way thing. My husb works long hrs when he's on project. However, I appreciate when he tries to help ard after a long day at work with little things like washing up after dinner or feeding dinner to our lil one. I cant expect him to do more than that coz i know I cant compare my work at home to his outside.
I try to take it easy with house chores now. I dun have a maid nor do I employ any p/t help. I also dun bother my eldest girl much coz i rather she use her time with sch work.
Try to find a good time to talk to ur husb abt ur feeling on this situation n also find out abt his. Its better to thrash it out now b4 it gets bigger or worse. I feel we don't marry our partner knowing that he's e perfect one for us. Entering marriage itself is a stage to know each other better when u live in e same space n we need to learn to compromise also. Coz its not just abt urself, it's also abt ur partner n also ur children. It's either u close one eye to his shortcomings or try to change them. Of coz it will take some effort. Meantime, find ur ME time doing things u enjoy even if u cant find time to go out. For me, e bulk of my ME time is having showers n toilet time thou i love baking, seeing n doing handicrafts too . :)
 
lin
I understand how you are feeling.
my husb is also one kind...always think he is right and always said I very sensitive when he make some remarks
that' why now I dun bother to talk to him much when at home. Find him very irritating also at times' dun even want to argue with him.
I will play with my gal and finished my households or whatever necessary ( I dun have a maid) I m a full time working mother
and I will sleep with my gal when she sleep at 8plus at night.
I dun even want to sit in the living room to watch tv while he is always on ipad or using his hp.
maybe I am just too tired .have to tend my gal and tend the house. cause have to wake up early the next day to work.

sometimes guys are just 1 kind.so what you bring the bacon home??
we are not uneducated like our parent's days. Women have to stay at home and wait for guys to work and bring money home
we are just sacrificing ourselves because
we are the best person to take care of our own kids

so dun feel worthless.
we MOTHER are the most 伟大 one.
when you see your kids look for u and not daddy, then you will feel everything is worth it.:)
this is a win war then .cheers
 
I do not agree that it's a win war or a trophy I deserve if my children prefers me over his daddy. No offence Marc. Marriage and parenting our kids are 2 separate issues and we should not bring our dis-satisfaction against our spouse upon our children.

As for Lin, when I see your note, I can't help but let out a subtle laugh..because my husband said the exact same thing to me "-ve" reaction at the comments he passed which he claimed he doesn't meant any harm at all.

The truth is, I think the key word is being unappreciated by our man when he pass such "harmless" comments in his context. My husband is an extreme MCP, I have 2 young boys and I live with my in laws. As far as taking care of my kids, I believe I don't have to explain much because we are in the same boat. My in laws whom are great folks but, there are many times where our opinions cannot come to terms such as parenting techniques, expectations of what a daughter in law should be and etc. Things does not help when my husband travels 50% of his time and I was left all by myself handling all these stuff and overseeing the whole renovation of my new home last year. And he made comments on me not being attentive about the contractors for not doing a good job in my new home. When he is not travelling, and he's at home, even the slightest thing such as fetching a damn cup of water for himself, he wants me to do it...lol. It drove me to the same situation a year ago that I don't feel like I am being loved anymore by my man and feeling self worthless.

However, as all these self doubts and irritation that harbored in your thoughts, you will subconsciously snapped at the slightest thing. Which again, does more harm to you, the relationship and to your children. That's -ve energy and it affects everyone around you without you knowing. You need to try to relax and take a step away from those daily chores once in a while. Find some ME time for yourself, such as meeting some friends, catch a movie..even if it's just an hour away from the chores and kids whenever you can find some help, it will help you loosen up. For me, I will find a nice cafe, if time doesn't permit, I will find any coffeeshop and sit there alone sipping my favorite Kopi-O if I get a chance. Sometimes, when I am to tied down, I will wait till the kids are asleep, and watch a comedy over DVD or do my nails..etc. Key is you need to find time to do things you enjoy even if it's just cheap thrill. That really helps.

When your state of mind is loosen up and less uptight, try find a time/chance to speak/spend time with your man. Unfortunately I can't advise you when is the right time because we fell in love and married a different guy:) And I believe you know him better than I do. It may seem hard, but you have to try to find ways to let him know how you felt and also you need to hear him out how he felt too. I am still not in favor of certain things my husband do or say at times, but it has since improved as compare to a year ago. Remember, what seems harmless to say may not be the case for you, and vice versa because we are brought up in 2 different families. But he is also the same man you fell in love and married....that's what I always try to remind myself so I can stay positive when dealing with my extreme MCP husband..lol.

Hope this helps. Cheer up!
 
Very much agree with nailartsg.
We as mums required to do a lot of things and this is our full time job. Often neglecting to "upkeep" ourselves.
It was distressing to endure a whole day taking care of our kids and when hubby is back you still have to hear his frustration.

I don't know if it works for you, for me, I devised a plan with my hubby to have some of my own time and he has to look after the kids or throw to our in laws. its just like working 24hrs, even a robot needs some maintenance. be it catching up with friends, mahjonging away or simply go do some facial and spa (G spa seems pretty good, i went once only though). it helps taking some frustrations off your mind. also, it will help your hubby to understand your " tough job" and feel a little more appreciated.

Most importantly, we have to keep ourselves updated with what's happening to prepare for days to come when kids are old enough to take care of themselves and we can go out and work.
 
I love mahjong too giesela! But it's been a long time since I played. That's a luxury for mummies even to finish 1 round..lol
And Giesela is spot on. Lin, you can try get your husband to help you with the kids and find some time out yourself. Let him taste your medicine..haha. It will help. But on the contrary, I hope he doesn't just chuck the ipad to the children so as to keep them still for a few hours..keke.

As for going back to the work force when my boys are older, I've been through enough political corporate restructures, seeing my co-colleagues being let go for no apparent reason and all those corporate shit..the thought of going back to workforce kinda puts me off. Which is why I turned my hobby into my job now and I am enjoying every part of it. But having said that, I do not rule out the possibility of going back to work if my kids are older. Baby steps at a time. My priority is still my family. I repeat, family..not just children, but everyone that plays a part in my family:)
 
I had a hard time now locking myself inside the room my heart so pain now. I was cooking and cutting vegetable, chicken meat cos i intend to brew si shen soup to increase appetite for him and my daughter. I used the term him cos i am really angry with him. After he comes home from work daily, he will take a short nap and today is no exception. And so we thought our girl will have no problems playing on her own since she is almost two. Being a housewife is really tough. Before you cook, you have to cut and prepare food before hand. After u cook, u need to clean the stove, wash dishes and clean the floor. This is what u have to do if u choose to cook and enjoy homecooked meals at home. I think even maids deserve kind treatment from their employers, not to mention us as huang lian po at home.
 
When i was preparing the food, my girl suddenly fell off from her tricycle i think she tried to get on the bike but then she fell off balance from it. I heard a thrope sound after that he got up and pick her up. I was then doing the food stuff and she was somewhere at the end of the living room and i was quite near to it we were jus separated by a locked barrier. My girl cried and shocked by the whole episode and then after pacifying her he made a remark by telling me in chinese (hand and feet faster)........
 
I was pissed off by the whole thing.......here i was preparing the food and it is ok he had a rest but why when the child had a fall he still had to make such an insensitive remark. He said i was slow in preparing food ya i did admit cos i have ocd and tend to take a long time to wash things and all that but what i meant is i tried to cook a meal and given my condition couldnt he at least try to understand me? At least when the child fell he could at least have said something soothing and pleasant right?
 
aww..sry to hear that Lin. Have u had a chance to talk to him in private? Find some help for your child so the 2 of u can go out for a while to relax and maybe he will be more open to hear your feelings out?
 
Hi nailartsg,

It is no use i feel tired to talk to him like jus now we exchanged heated messages via smses. Earlier on when we quarrelled, we said some nasty words and throw vulgarities at one another he even said no one ask me to cook.......things like that i also told him not he the one facing pressures in life i am not having it better either......i jus knew he went on and on then i shouted the two commonly used vulgarities at him and said go die.........i know i shouldnt have said that but he is really too much......
 
We haven had twosome time ever since my girl was born. I jus feel something is lacking we jus dun feel comfortable with each other anymore. I am thinking of filing a divorce......i have a splitting headache now........it takes two hands to clap.........he cant stand me thinking negatively and i can stand him for being insensitive to my emotional needs so i really see no pointin carrying on. I might be better off without him in my life..........i am so tired and emotionally drained.........
 
Lin, I read your posts and understand your frustrations. However divorce will not solve problems. SMS argument should be avoided mostly as they do not convey our true feelings. I know as I just had one with hb and felt bad about it. I think you must have discussed with hb about staying home to look after your daughter. If this is going to be a long term arrangement, u have to learn to organise your time and try and make the best out of it. I'm a ftwm and could never do what sahm do.. It's no easy feat taking care of children and doing chores not to mention cooking. Often, we can only get work done when the child is sleeping or have someone to supervise. Do think abt how you can better arrange chores around your child and supervise playtime as falls can be dangerous.
Often with children, we forget we also need to continuing working on our marriage and neglect our spouse. Physical touch, praise, gifts, time are some of the things we can show our love for our spouse and keep working at them. Try it on your spouse and he might just react differently and be pleasantly surprised. Hugs and kisses should be a daily affair. I wish you well and hope things get better for you. Also, have some quiet and relaxation time whenever you can. If you can get a relative or friend to babysit your child, go out and have some couple time. There is no perfect spouse and marriage but you can make the difference in your marriage.
 
Oh and next time your husband says something negative, dont take it personally. He may have a bad day or mood isn't so good.. Don't take it personally and you'll be fine!
 
I agreed with jaschar.to take care of children and doing chores at the same time is not easy task. Really need to plan in such a way when the kid is sleeping then we are able to complete some.

Lin,i am the same as you.I will also take longer time to do thing and sometimes my husb will also make some not very nice remarks.say I am very slow...so troublesome cook and cook.go tabao can liao etc...
I will just close my ear and ignore!.let him go and nag till he happy then will stop!
Divorce is not the best way to solve problem and moreover you are not working. There is no income .
You think of long term and not just on impulse .
Even you file a divorce, the custody of child will maybe give to your hubby if he is earning more than yourselves.
So you are on the LUGI side.

So next time just ignore his remarks...
cheers
 
Hi Lin, I totally agree with jaschar. Sometimes we get to uptight with daily chores and children but forget to upkeep ourselves or just let loose for awhile. To be honest, I am ok with Tao Bao! And honestly, men would mind if you do that. And if doing that occassionally can let u just dump those chores outta your mind so you feel more relax, y not? One thing I learnt throughout my 7 years of motherhood, you have thousand and one things around the house if you really wanna do it, but if that gets to a point of making you break or you feel frustrated, is it worth it? Shld those time be spend more wisely when needed such as having dinner out of the house with your hb and kids. That helps to build bonding. My family practically eat out at least 2-3 times a week. The kids enjoy the short trips to a neighbourhood mall with me and my hb. Hope you will found a way around it and I wish you good.
 
Lin, not sure if it's relevant but I had a supervisor who always give negative comments to the pt I dont feel like working and kept having thoughts of resigning. Eventually I resigned becoz of her mouth. I was young i didnt voice out my feelings. I lost a job with good prospects and I realised actually amongst all the things I do, there are things I am good at and others appreciate me. I shouldnt have taken all her comments personally and call it quits.

Like u, u may be slower in cooking but u can always practise and find cooking methods that suit u.. Maybe get a friend or relative to share some easier recipes.. Dont call it quits becoz u cant change people's thinkings.. Some are more optimistic, some are just more pessimistic.. Do what u set out to do.. Bond with her girl and continue to hone your skills in household chores. I admire u for taking the step to stay home coz as much as I want to, i dont think I can cope.. U go girl!!
 
Hi jascjar,

Thanks for being so supportive. Today, i did some fullfulling things and it gave me deep satisfaction and i realised the power of true determination. If we really set out to do something with great conviction, there sure will be a way out.Let me slowly run through the story from yesterday till now.........until now, we still gave each other the cold shoulder and guess what tomorrow guests and relatives will be coming to celebrate my girls birthday so i guess the atmosphere isnt going to look nice but still we have to go ahead with whatever needs to be done. Yesterday, after i locked myself inside room and had dinner and bathed together with my girl, i received a text from him. He said he felt heartpain that he tried to earn money for the family and instead i called him go die.......i admit out of my anger i did say those things but he also hurled vulgarities too and so i did not reply the text. Then after when i put my girl to bed, i sent him a text and said i cant be bothered with him anymore and that i am tired of everything. Then afterthat, he replied saying wat kind of a wife he has got ha ha........afterwhich i said ya he poor thing to have married someone like me and he can go find other one and that i need to rest cos i am working my guts out at home. Later, ah ha the interesting part is what he replies back.......(to be continued)..........
 
After the text i told him i tired of everything, he replied (oic u be a wife is like that......let see how ok)........then i said a bad wife he had poor him go find other ok and i had enough of all shit and i need to rest even though i dun bring money back home i am also working my guts out at home ok.......then he replied (ya working your guts out at home rite cook also need my help hot water also me to do it......most of the time tired tired tired....or u can go work and i stay at home k.....den when u back home i also ask u do something c u how.....i also dun wan say much.......dun reply liao jus go think of yourself......then this and that all angry remarks u shoot me i shoot u kind of scenario.........then the next day i decided to do all stuff myself........in the afternoon i took my girl to the market and bring along the top up key to top up the electricity (ours is using key to insert the amount into the meter), then bring her to
 
Then bring her to buy party stuff for her birthday.......after that tapao a pkt of chicken rice back home.......after she finished her meal, i put her to bed and started the decor for her birthday......(i put up the banner and also created a love shaped string of colorful striplets to go along with the banner)........will upload the photos later.......by that time i finished with the decor, my girl had almost got up from bed and i had to prepare to go into shower with her...........before going to the market, i had also taken out the cushion covers to put them to wash as i didnt want people to sit on dirty cushions ha ha......i had also finished with collecting my girls laundry and folding them, collecting outside laundry and put everything in place (omg how long winded i am)
 
After bathing, i made milk for my girl and i gave myself a rest today cos i wanted to go buy ribbons to tie the balloons so did not become a cooking lady....i took a feeder bus with my girl to clementi interchange and bought a cup of strawberry sundae and sat down at the bench near the waiting area booth and enjoyed a cup of wonderful $1.50 strawberry cum vanilla ice cream.......and later took her to popular bookstore to get the ribbons.......and from there the running and chasing goes on......went to kiddy palace and she was touching toys and running around and i was like a mad woman chasing after her.......after here and there eventually bought her a care bear with a birthday cake and candle logo as a present for her. Then, went to tapao mcd home fillet meal and bought a hello kitty stufftoy for her as well........later went to top up bus card and took bus home......was sweating like nobody business.......got back home went straight into my room and my girl was in the living room......
 
Later, she came in and we shared some french fries and a drink but fillet fish she didnt take then i took photos of her newly bought stuff toys and she posed a nice picture for my phone cam bingo.......now she is sleeping soundly and that is my day......really fullfilling and meaningful..........i finally realised we human have an innate potential in us, there is something we sure can do......like the decor i actually wanted him to do it......but then looking back at the text, i decided to do everything rather than depending on him. Before i went out, i refilled the hot water and after i came home, i threw away the rubbish myself......i will still continue to do that everyday and make it my routine duties.......i wan to stand
 
Later, she came in and we shared some french fries and a drink but fillet fish she didnt take then i took photos of her newly bought stuff toys and she posed a nice picture for my phone cam bingo.......now she is sleeping soundly and that is my day......really fullfilling and meaningful..........i finally realised we human have an innate potential in us, there is something we sure can do......like the decor i actually wanted him to do it......but then looking back at the text, i decided to do everything rather than depending on him. Before i went out, i refilled the hot water and after i came home, i threw away the rubbish myself......i will still continue to do that everyday and make it my routine duties.......i wan to stand
 
I wan to stand up as a woman and mum of dignity.....and let the fact be known that i am actually capable of doing things on my own based on perserverance and determination. Not only me i am sure everyone who puts their heart sure will gonna make it. I believe i was determined to get the decor done, that is why i succeded. I had wanted him to put up the banner initially, but i thought rather than be dependant on him, why not jus do everything myself? I guess i am stubborn, thats why die die also mus finish on my own. Thanks god i really did it. Before i left the house, i had refilled the hot water and after i came home, i also cleared the trash away.
 
In anyway, it really made my day as i had done meaningful stuff with my girl and felt a deep sense of worth in myself. Come to think of it, my girl is almost two and i have come a long way. From a tiny little fetus developed in my womb till the time she was delivered, confinement, the first birthday and coming second birthday, a sense of deep accomplishment overwhelms me. The journey is long, and encompasses both bitterness and happiness. But everything is worth it so long as she is safe, happy and healthy. There will be many more years of great challenges to come, until she no longer needs my care, and that will be the time i need to ponder on how to continue living purposefully in life...with or without my spouse........life still goes on........no matter how u like it or not........i am glad to come to this forum and pour out my woes to others who care to listen and share......
 
I think some men jus smelly Jian mouth .. Nothing also they wan to make one short valueless comment and make you pekcek after a whole day of hardwork. I don't think they mean you are useless or what I think they just itchy mouth . Talk is cheap talk is free . They dunno how dl we feel when we do so many things and the only thing they can say is one whole day you never see the boiler no water ah. But honestly I don't think they even think of why they say that . I think is jus cheap mouth.
 
Ya i also agree........jus dun know why they cant jus say some pleasant things i think maybe some r outspoken like my husband when wan say anything jus say out though they dun mean harm but sometimes some words when rephrased in another way jus doesnt sound pleasant. Like for my girl's birthday, my husband can say my stepson really dotes on my daughter......there is no harm but i mean quite bo liao right is it other people dun dote on my girl? I also dote on my girl, the grandparents, uncle and aunt also dote on her right? In my opinion, i think it is hard to control cos he jus says what he wans and if i am going to keep thinking about what he says, i will be the one to go bonkers first. At times, i hope i can jus go deaf so as not being able to hear what he says ha ha.......
 
Lol ya lor .. Sometimes my husband cheap mouth make one stupid comment . I jus tsk him then he will say what? What did I do？ then I jus say u don't talk can or not ? Lol .. They jus talk freely .. Sometimes u hope they are hello Daniel. No mouth ..
 
Hi Linwong, glad you sound more cheerful now! Remember don't take your hb's comments personally and keep persevering! It's never easy to have a happy marriage but it's not impossible if you keep working at it.. Have a great weekend!
 
Hi Lin, I am really impressed at what a super mum you are in organizing your gal's birthday party! I usually find the easy way out, a family gathering among just the immediate family and eat out or dine at my place with my mediocre cooking..But I am glad you found joy in what you are doing and like what jaschar mentioned, don't take your husband's comments too personally and critically. Stay happy and find the joy in your life.
 
Ya don care just focus on the good things like class 95. Lol when they jus verbal diarrhea talk nonsense then u get angry very bo hua cos they never spend any effort to speak yet u spend so much energy to get angry .
 
Really cant understand some men. Simple stuff also cant help u do. Jus came back from shopping with him and my girl. I jus took a seat sofa not yet warmed and he called me aloud from the bathroom. He asked about the thing that was crushed like a ball inside the sink. I told him he could jus help to throw and what is the fuss about. He said he didnt know what was inside........i was thinking in my heart.......how can i be such an idiot to throw sanitary pad into the sink.......if so scared of dirty jus use plastic bag to cover his hand right......is it the











hand really made of gold cant touch dirty stuff......and thing wasnt even dirty in the first place.....is jus a facial scrub packaging that was given to my girl to play during bath......and with contact with water.......the box naturally gets wet and so i crushed into a ball and left it in the sink.......i jus forgot to throw it away and that seems like a big problem to him.........i was unhappy and walked into my room and he asked if i was unhappy and so abcdef
 
And so he shoots off and raised his voice i really so tired to say anything.......u know how tired a housewife really is........and got to put up with his nonsense.......
 
Very sian hor like small kid .. Maybe next time u jus pretend busy or never hear if he say why u never respond u say oh sorry never hear then u won't be so angry ? Maybe by then he alrdy figures out the thing and thrown it away Liao if he got initiative la ..
 
maybe ur hb just naively wanted to check if its something u need instead of throwing away. My hb always say i am too sensitive n get hurt easily.. Sometimes i really jump to conclusion too n end up being sad n hurt.. If only women can see the bigger pic like men.. But thats how our brains are wired... Try to relax and not small things affect u im sure u will be happier. Your hb doesnt sound like a bad person. At least he still observe how u feel rather than ignore. Jiayou! Tomorrow will be a better day. Let go off the past
 
Mummies, this strained communication and thoughts happen because we have been as sahm for too long..we feel we give big sacrifice to our child by letting go of our income and social contact with others..subconciously or sometimes purposely we will talk to our spouse in harsh words because we want them to know of our loneliness, stress and tiredness too..sahm has almost equavalent stress as in working world..just that working,we get income and security..stay at home, we feel insecured such as loss of income, what happen to us and kids if something happen to our breadwinner, etc etc..thoughts run wild..

So, my advice is try to go back to workforce once you see that your child is ready and while you are still young and has good job market value..

I can tell the difference between the emotions, tone of communication between myself,with spouse and with family members..having back to workforce..
 
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