WTA: ok to ask in laws to help taking care of baby?
- Thread starter lunchbox
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hi kate, it really depends on ur in-laws actually, in terms of their characters n whether do they have any current commitments.
I'm a first time mom, bb was born on 2nd feb. my parents in law are retired n are staying at home. they do not have other commitments n my mother in law is very fond of children n she is the sort who does nt like to go out n jalan jalan. so naturally we will ask her. when I was 5mths preggie, we already made the arrangements. after birth, I stayed at my in-law's place up till nw. when I go to work, my mother in law n my hubby will look after bb, cos hubby on permanent nite shift. hope this helps
I'm a first time mom, bb was born on 2nd feb. my parents in law are retired n are staying at home. they do not have other commitments n my mother in law is very fond of children n she is the sort who does nt like to go out n jalan jalan. so naturally we will ask her. when I was 5mths preggie, we already made the arrangements. after birth, I stayed at my in-law's place up till nw. when I go to work, my mother in law n my hubby will look after bb, cos hubby on permanent nite shift. hope this helps
buttonsjackr
Member
agree with sofia that it all depends on your inlaws. When I had my twins 2 years ago, my mil was ok to help me out in the first month. Thought that it would be fine and even had a maid to help her. After 2 months she told us to look for other alternative. Said that she couldn't cope and all that lame reasons. Mad scramble to look for infant care at the last moment. Luckily found one for them near my place.
Is my mil really unable to cope? No, she just doesn't want to be tied down. My twins are now 2 1/2 and I have a 5 month old. They are in child care and my maid takes care of my baby. They are not close to her but I don't care.
So it really depends on them. Ask them first.
Is my mil really unable to cope? No, she just doesn't want to be tied down. My twins are now 2 1/2 and I have a 5 month old. They are in child care and my maid takes care of my baby. They are not close to her but I don't care.
So it really depends on them. Ask them first.
esther_ksk
New Member
when i was on my confinement, well, actually is my mum with me. my in laws is in Malaysia, Perak. So the only person can help me is my mum. My gal was born in TMC. me and my hubby in out Spore everyday as we are staying in JB. Surprise is my confinement place is at my brother's place, cck. based on traditional, something not right rite? LOL...
Sophia, omg I am facing the same problem too! First my MIL say can tk care. then suddenly nw after 2mths, she said she can't n asked me to source for alternative help! worse thing, I'm goin back to work in Monday! *faint* infant care near our place is full. I'm now looking for pte caretakers. me n hubby really pissed that MIL suddenly jumped the gun on us. reason she can't, cos my FIL recently developed heart condition n he needs more attn apparently. well, I can't say much though.
Kate, my suggest u assess ur in laws first but at the same time, mk sure u have plan B in case u also kena like us. very heartpain. I even thought of quitting my job
Kate, my suggest u assess ur in laws first but at the same time, mk sure u have plan B in case u also kena like us. very heartpain. I even thought of quitting my job
I had asked my MIL. She said she is ok with taking care of the baby.
Oh yeah, now that I have read your comments, I am worry that she will back out suddenly.
I would like to ask my MIL to continue to take care of the baby through the night. Is it too much to ask of?
However, she is about 60 yrs old. Not sure her health and physical can take it or not.
Oh yeah, now that I have read your comments, I am worry that she will back out suddenly.
I would like to ask my MIL to continue to take care of the baby through the night. Is it too much to ask of?
However, she is about 60 yrs old. Not sure her health and physical can take it or not.
angelblush
Member
Hi Kate, I don't think it's fair to ask her to take care of your baby at night too 'cause babies don't learn to sleep through the night until at least 2/3 months if you are lucky. As for your MIL, it really depends on her physical health as well, 60 or not. Unless your situation is such that you have no choice but be a weekend parent. Just my honest opinion.
buttonsjackr
Member
Kate:agree with angel bush. You should try to build the bond with baby and take care of her at night. It's tough but rewarding. Make sure you have plan B, sometimes old people say one thing and do another. We are after all just the daughter in law. Cant scold them.
Sofia: OMG we were in the same situation. I remembered during that time, I was so stressed that I lost 10 kg. Some more still on my maternity leave, so instead of resting I was more stressed.
Becoz of this, my relationship with her is not 'great'. Every Sunday go back eat lunch and just want to get out of there asap. Even my kids are not close to her at all.
Sofia: OMG we were in the same situation. I remembered during that time, I was so stressed that I lost 10 kg. Some more still on my maternity leave, so instead of resting I was more stressed.
Becoz of this, my relationship with her is not 'great'. Every Sunday go back eat lunch and just want to get out of there asap. Even my kids are not close to her at all.
it is because that both my hubby and I need to work in the day; and we need to focus during the day. currently we will need to wake up umpteen times at night to feed baby.
Therefore, i realli hope my MIL can help me in the day and night. But on the other hand, not sure if i m asking too much.
I dont have a budget to hire a nanny too.
Therefore, i realli hope my MIL can help me in the day and night. But on the other hand, not sure if i m asking too much.
I dont have a budget to hire a nanny too.
buttonsjackr
Member
I dun mean to be a busy body but shouldn't you be still on confinement? If so, you can still take care of your baby at night? My 5month old started to seep thru the night when she was 14 weeks. I woke up many times to feed n to breast my milk. But it was ok as I was on maternity, so I nap when she sleeps in the day. How's the situation on your side?
Kate, what I can suggest is for u n hubby to tk turns doing the nite shift. honestly I think it's a bit poor thing for ur MIL to b doin the nite shift too. looking after infant is quite a physically demanding job, she might nt be able to commit. at least u r lucky that u n hubby are both working day time. my hubby is on permanent nite shift n we tk turns takin care of bb. he will look after day time n me nite time till we find a better solution.
hope u find a sound solution befitting to ur needs
hope u find a sound solution befitting to ur needs
Sophia, the problem is I'm staying wit my MIL.. so as hurt n angry as I am, I can't say or do much. besides it's our own baby. if we kick up a fuss, they will say it's still ur child, ur responsibility, so dun blame other ppl! wah faint! so jz hv to tahan till me n hubby found a better solution. haiz.. dilemma.. worse come to worse I hv to quit my job. $$ will b less but I guess when push comes to shove, no choice. stress!!
buttonsjackr
Member
Sofia: I know what you mean. My MIL also said that to my hubby. But still feel damn angry and sore even till now. After all she's not working, sit at home do nothing. Just want to jalan jalan and go overseas whenever she wants. I also didn't expect to have twins so really needed help since they are my first birth. My mom working so she helps me on weekends.
Aiyah, though the situation is now under control, the consequences of this is the strained relationship among us.
Aiyah, though the situation is now under control, the consequences of this is the strained relationship among us.
Kate, wat if ur mil falls sick or drops ur bb due to e lack of rest?
I will think most parents will jus bite e bullet n go thru these tiring yrs...hv u tried taking care of ur bb day n nite on ur own for 1 wk? If u cannot take it, do u think ur mil who is already 60 can take it?
I will think most parents will jus bite e bullet n go thru these tiring yrs...hv u tried taking care of ur bb day n nite on ur own for 1 wk? If u cannot take it, do u think ur mil who is already 60 can take it?
Sophia, oh ur MIL is the jalan jalan sort huh.. I see. if my MIL was like that I def wudnt have approached her. quite sayang to see the relationship strained. but give it time, I believe time heal all wounds. cos u will b seeing her for the rest of ur life till she passes on. so mz find a way to be harmonious?
buttonsjackr
Member
hmmm, until that day comes our relationship will just be very 'fake'.
Hi so far I have not tried doing it during the night. My CL will help to feed the baby when she wake up at night. I will help to take care during the day.
What happen is my husband works at airport as a fireman, on shift. so sometimes he is working in the day, some time at night. and there are all odd hours. And I myself is working during office hours.
By the time he comes home at night, he needs the rest as he needs to wake up early following morning.
My husband thinks that he maybe too tired due to his odd shift schedule and hoping mil can help to take care as well.
we both thought that my mil is a housewife, so no committment, able to stay at home taking care of baby day and night. But on the other hand...not sure is it a too much to ask for,
What happen is my husband works at airport as a fireman, on shift. so sometimes he is working in the day, some time at night. and there are all odd hours. And I myself is working during office hours.
By the time he comes home at night, he needs the rest as he needs to wake up early following morning.
My husband thinks that he maybe too tired due to his odd shift schedule and hoping mil can help to take care as well.
we both thought that my mil is a housewife, so no committment, able to stay at home taking care of baby day and night. But on the other hand...not sure is it a too much to ask for,
Kate, though my hb works regular hours, I m still e one wakin up for my sons these 2 yrs....
Will there b anyone helpin ur mil in e daytime so she can rest? Or is she expected to clean e hse n cook at e same time?
Though I hv a maid, n my mil only need to focus on my 2 kids, she can't wait to "escape" to her own place every Friday nite. Oh, FYI, she loves my kids...i can see she is v tired everyday. And FYI, she is sleepin w my elder one who has slept thru since 4mths plus. I wake up to my baby if he cries at night.
Do spare a tot for ur mil. Her son will think it's alright for her mum, which my hb too..imagine ur kids doing this to u in e future
Will there b anyone helpin ur mil in e daytime so she can rest? Or is she expected to clean e hse n cook at e same time?
Though I hv a maid, n my mil only need to focus on my 2 kids, she can't wait to "escape" to her own place every Friday nite. Oh, FYI, she loves my kids...i can see she is v tired everyday. And FYI, she is sleepin w my elder one who has slept thru since 4mths plus. I wake up to my baby if he cries at night.
Do spare a tot for ur mil. Her son will think it's alright for her mum, which my hb too..imagine ur kids doing this to u in e future
You know my MIL auto offered to help and told me dun worry she is there... Healthy, got energy, got time, no problem .... but I think it's a grand scheme to encourage/bluff me to have kids.... My hubby is the eldest son and eldest grandson... I feel like a cattle. Later end up give me back...
my MIL has been taking care of my SIL's sons. then recently she said i can let my mum take care of my bb. i guess she's very tired from taking care of SIL's sons and age is catching up, although they don't stay with us anymore as the youngest one has gone to childcare/nursery. the problem is i'm staying with my in laws while my parents are living a 1.5hr-train-and-bus-ride away... so naturally while i would love to let my parents take care, i don't want to be a weekend mum (my SIL's kids used to stay with us over weekdays) as I prefer to bond with my child. so my husband and i in a fix now. i am requesting to take long-term unpaid leave to take care of my baby after maternity leave, until baby is ready for childcare.
i had the same prob too and becoz of this, i was under alot of stress over the 4 mths b4 i went back to work - wepted and scolded behind MIL's back. but i muz really thanks her tat i slimmed down!
my mil gave all sorts of excuses not to help look after my bb even when the last resort was to, she juz needed to help me "temp" till i found a nanny. we have been toking to her on and off to bbsit since i was pregnant till i gave birth. and everytime her reply were so negative and so full of excuses. after all sorts of excuses she came up wif never worked out coz we always have ways to convince her, she finally told us to look for nanny, but the last draw that made me very mad was when she asked me to quit my job wen we said nanny is like a stranger!!!!!
basically, whenever my hub toks to her about bbsitting, she would use her health and leg pain as excuses. right b4 marriage, my then-bf oredi told me his mother wld not want to look after kids. honestly speaking, her health issue is not critical till it would affect her if she help look after our bb. if only she would be honest and tell us she doesnt like to look after her grandchild and only wants her freedom to shop till drop, we would not force her. but instead she finds excuses. trying not to be a bad person but in fact, it oredi makes herself looks bad.
we noe she doesnt want to lose her freedom. she would go to the extent of doing it thro action to show us that she cannot help us, such as during times when we ask her to help bbsit while me and hub go out, things such as these happened - whole house not locked properly, gas cooker used but not turned off, water flask not cupped properly after use, hit her own leg showing us they were in pain, even told me she got tenses up easily, scared she would faint looking after bb. such has never happened or being told to me b4! she wanted to make herself looked like it was dangerous to have her looked after bb.
of coz its her choice and its not rite that we "force" her into something she's unwilling to do....but well...when yr family is in trouble and u choose not to help, how wld u feel? its like leaving us in the lurch...so now, our relationship is "strained". she knows i am not happy coz i only go to her house once a mth. i call her when i see her but dun initial toks anymore. the funny part, is after we found own nanny, her leg no longer painful. could carry bb to run after the older kids, haha.
i managed to find a nanny 2 weeks b4 i went back to work. not very ideal coz needed to walk 10 min to her house till my knee cap started to feel the pain oredi. but at least i noe bb is in good hands and i dun have to lose my job. we cut her allowance and use it to pay the nanny fee.
sorry for the long story coz till today, i still felt very sore over this which actually happened many mths ago. never really had a chance to pour everything out to pp in similar situation. i hope u all will be able to resolve the bbsitting issues.
my mil gave all sorts of excuses not to help look after my bb even when the last resort was to, she juz needed to help me "temp" till i found a nanny. we have been toking to her on and off to bbsit since i was pregnant till i gave birth. and everytime her reply were so negative and so full of excuses. after all sorts of excuses she came up wif never worked out coz we always have ways to convince her, she finally told us to look for nanny, but the last draw that made me very mad was when she asked me to quit my job wen we said nanny is like a stranger!!!!!
basically, whenever my hub toks to her about bbsitting, she would use her health and leg pain as excuses. right b4 marriage, my then-bf oredi told me his mother wld not want to look after kids. honestly speaking, her health issue is not critical till it would affect her if she help look after our bb. if only she would be honest and tell us she doesnt like to look after her grandchild and only wants her freedom to shop till drop, we would not force her. but instead she finds excuses. trying not to be a bad person but in fact, it oredi makes herself looks bad.
we noe she doesnt want to lose her freedom. she would go to the extent of doing it thro action to show us that she cannot help us, such as during times when we ask her to help bbsit while me and hub go out, things such as these happened - whole house not locked properly, gas cooker used but not turned off, water flask not cupped properly after use, hit her own leg showing us they were in pain, even told me she got tenses up easily, scared she would faint looking after bb. such has never happened or being told to me b4! she wanted to make herself looked like it was dangerous to have her looked after bb.
of coz its her choice and its not rite that we "force" her into something she's unwilling to do....but well...when yr family is in trouble and u choose not to help, how wld u feel? its like leaving us in the lurch...so now, our relationship is "strained". she knows i am not happy coz i only go to her house once a mth. i call her when i see her but dun initial toks anymore. the funny part, is after we found own nanny, her leg no longer painful. could carry bb to run after the older kids, haha.
i managed to find a nanny 2 weeks b4 i went back to work. not very ideal coz needed to walk 10 min to her house till my knee cap started to feel the pain oredi. but at least i noe bb is in good hands and i dun have to lose my job. we cut her allowance and use it to pay the nanny fee.
sorry for the long story coz till today, i still felt very sore over this which actually happened many mths ago. never really had a chance to pour everything out to pp in similar situation. i hope u all will be able to resolve the bbsitting issues.
Looks like I am not the only one who feels this way. Initially, I had reflected on it and thought that I could be emotionally unstable after birth which is why I was terribly furious each time my mil cooks up some excuse not to take care of the baby. She has hinted on many occasions on the Nanny available in CCK (I stayed in woodlands, hello) and the infant care behind my block...
My mil is the type who does not like to be tied down. She does not work but enjoys going out all day.
My mil agreed when I was preggy to take care of the baby after birth, in fact, she asked me to have 2 children. But when confinement begins (mil did confinement for me) and my maternity leave ends, mil gave lots of excuses not to take care of the baby. She even told my hubby to only have 1 child since I 'cannot cope'. Can you imagine how furious I was that she actually broke me and my hubby's dream to have 2 children to complete a family. So much for government encouraging births among Singaporeans but I have this kind of mil who speaks like that...
Many a times, I have to run back from work to "rescue" her because mil told me my baby was crying inconsoleabily or wasn't drinking. I even have to utilise many of my Annual leaves so that she can go out on many days during the weekdays. Worse, there was a time when my sil ask her to take care of her children instead while she goes for her 10 days holidays and she asks me to take leave to take care of my baby while I hesitated for so long till now yet to have booked for my year end 3day/2 nights short getaway.
Until recently, she actually complained to my sil about me and how I 'ill-treat' my maid. I was shocked that she actually believed the words of a less than 3 month maid with us, evening without verifying with me. I felt been pronounced dead before I was been asked to clarify. My maid, of cos, was another of my problem. She has taken advantage of the situation and bad-mouthed me every possible occasion. I've had her sent back since.
Worse, sil added her own opinions and complains to my hubby that mil is very tired taking care of the baby and all the nonsense about me which is why I got to know of this. Things are getting strained amongst us.
At the end of the episode, I gathered that relationship with our own mums are better. Mils are not our mums and sil on the other hand is trying to protect her mum (although I feel that she has gone overboard with adding her own biased opinions). I've explored options on engaging a nanny or putting the baby up at the infant care but I wasn't able to overcome myself that another person can take care of my child better than myself. Meanwhile, I am enduring with all these, except that I will get a new maid, until the day mil expresses explicitly that she doesn't want to take care of the baby, I will apply for no pay leave.
I am not sure if this is a result of the Singapore society and how we operates. The issue of childcare has been raised to the govt many times but what is the solution to this? I do not blame my mil for not wanting to take care of my baby. However, I am unable to find a better way to take care of the baby unless I take NPL or resign. Meanwhile, I love my job too much to leave.
My mil is the type who does not like to be tied down. She does not work but enjoys going out all day.
My mil agreed when I was preggy to take care of the baby after birth, in fact, she asked me to have 2 children. But when confinement begins (mil did confinement for me) and my maternity leave ends, mil gave lots of excuses not to take care of the baby. She even told my hubby to only have 1 child since I 'cannot cope'. Can you imagine how furious I was that she actually broke me and my hubby's dream to have 2 children to complete a family. So much for government encouraging births among Singaporeans but I have this kind of mil who speaks like that...
Many a times, I have to run back from work to "rescue" her because mil told me my baby was crying inconsoleabily or wasn't drinking. I even have to utilise many of my Annual leaves so that she can go out on many days during the weekdays. Worse, there was a time when my sil ask her to take care of her children instead while she goes for her 10 days holidays and she asks me to take leave to take care of my baby while I hesitated for so long till now yet to have booked for my year end 3day/2 nights short getaway.
Until recently, she actually complained to my sil about me and how I 'ill-treat' my maid. I was shocked that she actually believed the words of a less than 3 month maid with us, evening without verifying with me. I felt been pronounced dead before I was been asked to clarify. My maid, of cos, was another of my problem. She has taken advantage of the situation and bad-mouthed me every possible occasion. I've had her sent back since.
Worse, sil added her own opinions and complains to my hubby that mil is very tired taking care of the baby and all the nonsense about me which is why I got to know of this. Things are getting strained amongst us.
At the end of the episode, I gathered that relationship with our own mums are better. Mils are not our mums and sil on the other hand is trying to protect her mum (although I feel that she has gone overboard with adding her own biased opinions). I've explored options on engaging a nanny or putting the baby up at the infant care but I wasn't able to overcome myself that another person can take care of my child better than myself. Meanwhile, I am enduring with all these, except that I will get a new maid, until the day mil expresses explicitly that she doesn't want to take care of the baby, I will apply for no pay leave.
I am not sure if this is a result of the Singapore society and how we operates. The issue of childcare has been raised to the govt many times but what is the solution to this? I do not blame my mil for not wanting to take care of my baby. However, I am unable to find a better way to take care of the baby unless I take NPL or resign. Meanwhile, I love my job too much to leave.