Support Group - Stillbirths

Yes, Mummy Bs I'll see my gynae 4wks & 6wks aft the episode. Like you the scens in the hospital keep flashing thru my mind daily and the sensation of giving brith is still so fresh. My heart still aches and cringe whenever I think of the whole event.It's still like a nightmare. At times I hope I'll wake up from it.
Now can only think on the positive side. Like you say, we discover love and strength from those close to hearts during this tough period. Life is not perfect, just gotta make the best of it.
 


Hi Coral

I did the traditional massage. Didn't think of it at first but did it after consulting some pp. It was about 3 or 4 weeks after the natural delivery then. It was suppose to help put the uterus back in place and help in future conception. Dunno how true but worth trying I guess.

K&K
 
Hi K&K, I just had my first massage today. After she examines my tummy, the lady says I need only 3 sessions follow by a scrub. SO will complete the session this Thurs. She told me the same, to help body recover and aid the next preg so I think no harm trying. Thanks.
 
Hi gals!

Coral, sorry I didnt see your postings. Yes, it is normal. I bleed for about 4-5 weeks. Glad you enjoy your massage.
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mummybs, last sat was my baby jie's 2nd angel's day. The day passed and I was quite calm. I missed him everyday but the sadness has sort of lessened. I have learnt to look at the bright side and learn to treasure the good things like how close me and my hubby became after the loss, how we look forward to the arrival of our baby girl and how we try to be better parents cos we treasure her so much.
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folic
 
K&K,
i did the massage 3 days after i delivered, apparantly it helps in my incontinency. i didn't take care of myself when my second son was around cos was running around Singapore, seeing different doctors and surgeons, checkup, scans..... I was very weak then and the incontinency problems continued till I delivered my 3rd kid. it is very embarassing cos everytime I cough, sneeze or laugh, it leaks, err......
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but surprising, after the message, it seems to have gone away.

folic,
understand your feelings, i visited Brandon's niche yesterday, with all my other children, after all these years....the feelings of sadness.... your baby girl is going to be an angel, God never fails, that's what I believe, you will definitely be blessed abundently
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mummybs, I totally agree with you! Yi Xuan is indeed my angel and has certainly brought me and the family much joy by her presence.
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folic
 
Mummy Bs and folic, you're indeed blessed. It's definitely very sad to lose one's bb but at least many good things came out of it too. The closeness of your family and your other agels with you now.
 
Dear All Mummies,

My most heart felt symphathy to all of you and I do truly feel deeply for you.

I personally had went through 3 abortions. One of the abortion done in week 10. Although mine are 'intentional', forced onto me, but the thought of my babies being forcefully removed from me really broke my heart. During all 3 times, I woke up crying.

Now I'm a mummy of a 5 month old boy. I truly am blessed. But it never stops me from thinking back how old all my babies will be should they be here with me now. Of course, this reminds me to love my son more. And I always wake up in the middle of the night and kiss him or smell him. It gives me a sense of security.

Be strong all mummies who lost all of your kids. Though mine was 'intentional' to many people, it's never intentional to me.
 
Thks Angeline, hope one day I'll be able to hug and smell my own bb too. I believe you must hv your difficulties at those times. No mums would want to abandon their bbs if they can. Hopefully, all bbs who left are in good hands and company.
 
ladies..

Yest while EBM-g heard FM972 DJ-Zheng Liang told the real story..

A MTB at her 7th month was told by KKH Dr HC Han to deliver her baby by C-sec during last year (Was the timing of 7th month) because all test shows sign that her baby is deprive of ... (duno) need to be delievered via C-sec soon in order to survive. The lady supported by hubby refuse to deliver the baby telling Dr Han that it was the Hungry Ghost 7th month timing and not so good to give birth and not so good to have operation. Dr Han even "Ku Kou Po Xin" ask the PILs to persuade the lady to deliver via C-sec very soon as the baby is highly in danger and deprive of survival (I duno what's wrong with the baby).

In the end, because of the couple stubborness and believe in myth, the baby died in the womb... so sad...

The good news is the lady is pregnant this year.
 
dear all,
i cried when i read all ur postings. My heart really goes out to you all. Am currently expecting my first baby and really can't imagine the pain u all had to go thru...already at 18 weeks i feel so much for the baby in my womb. Can imagine just how sad it is to lose a baby...

Just want to encourage you all to take heart and be strong - am sure you all come out of such circumstances emotionally & mentally stronger! Hold on to the hope for a brighter future and may God bless you all with more healthy babies to come
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hi all,
haven't talked for a long time! have been really busy ever since i went back to work.

coral,
how was your first session of massage? was it good? if it is, i should get the contact from you, next time when preggie again can use! i also bled for about 3-4 weeks after op. of course, heavy bleeding only lasted for about 4-5 days, the rest of the days are just intermittent spotting. so dun worry, you are normal!

mummyb,
so sorry to hear about your loss. i cannot imagine the pain you had experienced.. but i'm happy for you that you sought comfort from God! to be honest, it takes spiritual maturity to do so, rather than putting blame on Him.

and calcium,
oh dear, why did your sil do such a thing? i really hope she feels apologetic after the incident!

for me, my heart still aches everytime i think about my baby. and seeing little girls and babies never fail to trigger my heartache.
Dun think the pain will ever go away, but i just have to tell myself to look forward, and I believe in years to come, i'll have beautiful children like many of you!
 
Hi BellyButton,
It's been a long time since anyone come into this thread. My massage so so leh. In fact I paid a premium for it, so I decide to try cheaper ones next tiem if I get preg again. I hv the wrap for 3 days and so itcy\hy and skin sensitive so rashes develop. Told hb if really preg maybe won't do wrap cos cant imagine taking care and breastyfeeding bb with the itchy wrap around me.
My bleeding stopped after 3weeks, and just 1week after that my memses start. IS that normal or too soon?
I know how you feel. I love looking at bbs and little kids, but they remind me so much of my lost. I see little boys I'll think of Kaden. The night before Kaden's one month I dreamt of a little boy running towards me, calling me mummy and complaining to me that the other s kids who played with him pinched him. I looked at his little hands and saw no marks so told him it's ok, they're just playing with him. I woke up crying. It was just a dream, my boy is gone. I pray that he's surrounded by love, peace and happiness now. If there's really reincarnation, hope he'll be my bb again or be born into a family who'll really love and care for him.
 
hi coral,
oh dear! the rashes sounds terrible! btw, did you bathe regularly during your confinement? i can't imagine doing the wrap and not bathing..
think your menses is normal. the cycle usually goes haywire for a while, so better to carry a pad around with you! my 1st menses came only 6 weeks after the bleeding stopped, and 2nd menses came 2 weeks after that! so fast rite?? totally unexpected. i was shopping in orchard road when it happened! luckily i bought new langerie and skirt, so didn't have to rush home..

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feel sad when i read about your dream.. yesterday at the video shop i saw this little girl, at most 1 plus, she looked soooo cute!! makes me wonder how my girl would look like when she's that age...
 
I bath regularly with boiled herbs. Infact when I do teh wrap, I have to bath everyday before the massage lady comes.

Now my menses super heavy...

Ya, I think we'll never stop thinking and wondering about our child in heaven.
 
coral,
yah, the menses that i get nowadays are also very heavy. much heavier than my pre preggie days.

actually, it's good for you that your menses came so fast. after 3 cycles can try for baby again! well, provided you are ready emotionally of course.
 
BellyButton, actually I'm very anxious to try for bb again but I'm telling myself to be relaxed about this. I shall listen to doc and not get preg for 4mths, thereafter I'll let nature takes its course.
 
hi coral,
i know how you feel. i feel exactly the same way too.
accordingly to my gynae, it should be safe to try once you have 3 cycles of menses. 4 months is just an estimate, but rightfully should gauge by the no of cycles.
 
Hi all..

Reading this thread just made my heart ache more..

Just wanted to let go of my emotions.. I just had my abortion done yesterday.. itz an unforgettable and unerasable painful memory tht will hunt me for life.

My boy was diagnosed with a rare heart pblm and as advised by the cardio-paedi, there is 'zero' chance of self-recovery. Surgery can only modify but can't correct the condition. His life-span is also shortened and the possibility of leading a normal life is out. As singapore is still in a very premature state of heart treatment, his condition may not be able to get treated here and chances of recovery is slim.. so many suggested to terminate my pregnancy.

After few nites of wetting my pillows.. I finally decided to end at my 24th week of pregnancy.

U can imagine hw painful and heart killing for me to make this decision. As my 2nd pregnancy is very close to my first one.. just 4 mths apart.. its not easy for me to work, taking care of my small ger and getting pregnant again all the same time. I dun hv enuf rest and sleep.. my work is also very pressurising and stressing..

on top of all these.. as my hb has cheated on me in my last pregnancy.. i can't help but been paranoid at times.. suspecting him.. wondering if he will do it again.. is he still wif tht woman.. just can't trust him anymore.. all these driving me crazy at times.. but I keep telling myself.. to be strong for my babies..

Now..I can't help but to blame myself.. if I loosen up myself at work.. care less of my small one.. spend lesser time with my small one.. hv more rest.. sleep more.. eat more... my boy will be still alive.. and I dun hv kill my boy.. but I kill my boy..

The pain tht I've been thru.. who knws.. who can understand.. I've endure so far.. everyday, i can feel my boy inside me.. the feeling gets stronger when I hv to make this decision.. he seems to be telling me.. mum, pls dun gv up.. mum, dun kill me.. mum, dun abandon me.. u knw.. the feeling is worse than stabbing me with a knife thousand times.

As the day finally arrive.. I took the medicine with tears dripping in my heart.. I dare not shed a single tear as I dun wan my loved ones to worry abt me.. the same nite.. I had very very bad contraction pain.. was warded into the hospital and within hours, I'm ready for the labor.

It was a very painful contraction as I can't take epidural.. since ptless to take if not keepin the bb.. when my boy is out.. I really can't take it.. I can feel tht the whole world just collapse on me.. I just killed my son.. when he is born, I seems to hear a soft cry and thtz it.. he is gone.. I can't bear to look at him.. my mind is completely blank.. I can only feel tht my heart is bleeding of pain and guilt.

my hb told me.. he bears a strong resemblance of my hb.. and he left peacefully.. my heart sink all the way dwn.. i really hated myself.. i really hated myself..

i m a muderer.. i just killed my son

everyone is tellling me to be brave.. stand up.. dun tink abt it anymore.. hv my ger to take care.. dun dwell into it anymore.. hv a long way to go.. etc etc etc... but how.. how to move on and pretend nothing has happened before.. how..

but for the loved ones who really care for me.. i hv to gv them the assurance tht i'm fine.. i'm ok.. i can only cry secretly.. the pain tht i'm gg thru now.. who knws..
 
devastatedmum, reading your mail just bring my 1month of nightmare back again. I cant control my tears too. Like you my bb was diagnose with problems that will cos him lifetime suffering. But I had more time than cos we discovered it when he was 21wks, but in a way my nightmare drags longer. That 1mth was a constant struggle and hospital hoping. But despite all our efforts he still left us. I can feel how you feel now cos I went thru almost the same. Although I refused to end my preg, my water bag broke at the eve of Kaden's 24wks. SO I had a natural delivery like you, without any painkiller, so the pain from contraction left a deep impression in me too. Worse still, I delivered when alone. I can tell you the pain, the self blaming will be very intense now. Cos our hormones are now returing to pre-preg time and on top of that we suffered a tramautising experience. So you may be extra harsh on yourself, you may find it diff to live on, you may not want to do anything but just cry your heartout for your lost boy. But you just have to be strong and believe that he's now in good hands like all our bbs. He's no longer suffering for he's heart condition. He's liberated.
Now, you still hv those around to care for. You little gal definitely need all the care she can get from mummy. Let her be your strength and I'm sure your hb cares more for you after seeing you go trhu s much for your bbs and family. Please be strong. You'll expereince depression and lost of hope, but don give up. Whenever you're down, come in here to talk to us. We feel the bleeding in your heart too. We've walked the same painful path. The pain is still so raw in me, I still weep daily. Not a single day without tears for me. Although it's been 2mths...buit we just have to learn to be strong. there are many before us who made it, so please take care of yourself too. Remember the gal you hv and shower your love on her.
Your boy is fine, now my boy has a new friend, They'll play together and be happy and enjoy peace in heaven. We all have an angle in our family. Take care!
 
hi desvastedmum,
just want to tell you that you are not alone. Here in this thread, we all went through similar dark paths and we all understand and stand by each other. I too had to make the dreadful decision to end the life of my baby at 24th week because she was severely growth restricted with possible kidney failure. even though it has been almost 3 months, it seemed like only yesterday when i hear your story. likewise, i appear strong on the outside, so all my relatives and friends think i have recovered, but deep down, only me and my hubby know that we will never ever forget the painful loss.

yesterday was an example. i went to visit my sil who just delivered. all my relatives insisted i should carry the baby so i can get pregnant again! didn't it ever cross their mind that i might not be over with it? but i dun blame them, i know it's out of good will and they all think i've recovered. carrying the baby really brought back floods of bad memories. I cried and cried on my way home when there was only myself and hubby in the car...

but yes, no point dwelling in self pity honestly. i keep telling myself to look forward. hope we can all encourage each other and do the same!
 
hi..

no way i'm feeling better.. in fact, worse as time passes. can't stop thinking abt my boy.. just can't stop thinking

on the outside.. i seems strong and has got over with it.. but deep inside, i hv not. i really need to vent out all my emotions hidden within me.. but how.. how to vent out.. i really feel like a bloated balloon.. waiting for a needle to release all the stale air inside

i can't cry anymore.. i'm very very sad and painful.. but dunno why, just can't seems to cry anymore..
 
Then just come in and talk abt it or talk to someone close or write down your feelings. I drew a picture in memory of my son. I wrote alot abt my feelings towards him. I experienced time when I feel so lost and helpless not knowing how to release the feelings bottled up in me. I feel like exploding, I feel like dying. I feel that nothing can make me feel ok again. I smile to pple, but I cry inside. I want to be unconcious, I want not to wake up. It's just not a good time. But seeing the efforts of those around to make me feel better and get well, I know I can't be selfish to just think abt my own lost and unhappiness. If I ever fall, my hb will lose not only our son but his wife too. My parents and PIL are old, they'll be very sad to lose a daughter or DIL. I can't let them suffer more. Everyone is being brave for me, how can I give up? I look forward. I build my health so that Kaden can be my son again.

Devastatedmum, I'm sure your son want to see you get well and strong he wants to see how good a mummy he has, show him how you can love you bb, take good care of your daughter and your son will come back to you one day, even if he doesnt, he'll be comforted to know that he was ever the son pf a great caring mum. Don give up. Tell yourself you can do it. Or space out when the thoughts are too unbearable. DOn be too hard on yourself.
 
hi devastatedmum,

I delayed posting here cos I am at a loss for words. Having gone through a loss at 23 weeks, I can empathise with the pain and despair that you are going through but not the angst that you are facing due to the circumstance of your loss.

I think it is important that you do not blame yourself for what has happened. It's probably easier said than done but I hope you do not go down the spiral of guilt and depression. I don't think you should be blamed in any case. I am sure you made the decision knowing full well what is best for your son in this situation. I know that at this point, you probably think that things will never be better and that you will never be better again. But I strongly believe that time does heal wounds. Each of us here have gone through a similar phase of loss and despair. Look at Bellybutton and Coral. Their losses are so new, and yet, they are not better than when it first happen and even offer words of encouragement. I can tell you that the sadness and ache will always be there but it will lessen with each day. It had been 2 years and almost 3 weeks since my loss and not a single day pass without me thinking of him. But it is different sort of longing, a different kind of sadness.

Do come in and chat with us. It will help you vent your emotions. Like wat coral says, don' be too hard on yourself. Take good care of yourself during this period. **BIG HUGS**

folic
 
Yes devastatedmum, although I dunno you, I 'm concern about you. And I can tell you, many others in this thread do too. We may not know exactly how you feel now, but we have similar experience and I know it's not a good feeling. You need lots of support and encouragement. We're most willing to be here for you. Do come in to seek solace whenever you need to. I got lots of support from ladies here and the miscarriage thread. It's here that I can pour out my heart without letting my family worry abt me. It's here that I know pple understand my pain and fear. Please take care for many pple especially your family and gal need you.
 
hi devastatedmum,
i can feel ur pains...Right now,i feel u shld give urself a break & think of ur priorities.what's more important is to give urself a good rest.

Ur gal still nids u. whenever i feel down,i just constantly remind myself tat I've to be strong bcoz my boy nids me.If there's anything happens to me,who's going to take care of him?Both my mum & MIL cant take care of him as long as I could.In fact,whatever thing tat I am doing now,is for his sake.

sometx, i know,u will think:why is this happened to me? why is so unfair? The key is u've to accept & let go.I know it is difficult.sometz,i feel that the more u tok abt it, the more u'll think abt it, the more u'll be bothered abt it.

Be strong!
 
hi all,

thxs for all the encouragements & concerns..

for my gal, I knw I hv to be brave and strong.. its really tough, painful but I knw, I just hv to go thru this. but I guess, sometimes, its easier said than done. It'll take me a long time to really get over this and stop dwelling.

meanwhile, I just hv to fake in front of all ppl to ensure them.. but deep inside me.. I'm still bleeding.. not sure how long it'll take for me to heal completely.. in fact, maybe sub-consciously, I do not wana heal.. coz I still blame myself for losing my boy..

indeed,.. many times.. I asked myself.. why has all these happened to me.. I alwaz tot, how fortunate I am.. hv a loving hb.. but he betrayed me and had an affair when I was carrying my first bb.. when I finally decided to forgive him, and start afresh as we had a gal.. recently, found out he is still in contact wif her.. then come with the loss of my boy.. all these mishaps juz kept coming one after next.. it'z just driving me crazy..

i really dunno how long i can hang on.. i really dunno when i will finally explode.. and if tht day really comes, i dread it'll b the end of me.. how i wish like wht coral said... just be unconcious and never wake up.. maybe tht'll be the end of my miseries..
 
devastatedmum, be strong. In life there's many many ups and downs for everyone. You're now at your low, be strong and you'll pass this hurdle. It's not the end of the world. You hv your life to lead. Don think negative thoughts. If they come, jus blank out. If there's anything good and positive, focus on them.
Don give up. Please.
 
devastedmum,

I am lost for words too, but do assure that we understand how you feel and will always be here for you if you need to talk.

When i lost my 2nd boy, it was like the whole world was crumbling down, I want to go with him but for my elder boy, I know I have to be strong and move on. I understand your stance for putting up a strong front before your love ones and relatives and I know the struggles you have deep within there... and the bleeding....

he is your son and you have all the right in the world to mourn and grief all you want and cry and shout out your frustration as much as you wish.

But please do remember, we all fell down and hurt ourselves one time or another, we cry out with pain, then check the wounds, clean it, bandage it, and continue walking... there will be scar.....this is life.... take care and God bless
 
Hi devastedmum and rest of the mummies here,

Although I have not been in ur situation, reading this thread brings tears to my eyes. Devastedmum, I strongly urge you to just let go your emotions and not try and hide it from anyone. You don't have to pretend that everything is fine when it is not. If people around u are not understanding, screw them... You need to let out everything so that your heart can slowly start healing. It will never be completely healed but it will help with the emotions. You are currently emotionally, mentally and physically tired. If you don't let it all out, you will go into depression and that will be even worst. You take your own time to heal and not try and do things to please people around you. They will never understand what you have been thru' so they should not tell you how you shld behave or act. In order to embark on your recovery emotionally, you need to let it all out....

Will keep you and all the mummies here in my prayers.
 
how i wish i can let out my emotions and cry my heart out.. but i juz can't.. i dunno how to explain.. but i juz can't.

i fear by bottling up everything.. i may not be able to take it and eventually will explode.. i wan to let it out.. i really wan to.. and after tht, let it pass and pick myself up.. but i dunno how to.

i dare not let my loved ones knw tht i'm still very upset and unable to face the reality! i dare not let them knw tht i'm still crying secretly.. i dare not let them knw tht i'm still mourning over the loss of my boy.. i only knv i hv to let them feel tht i'm ok.. i'm strong.. i've got over it.. to ease their worries.

but by doing all these, i'm juz simply cheating myself and making myself even more miserable.

wht the hell i'm doing.. i really dunno.. these few days, i really feel like gg away.. hide myself and shut myself frm all my loved ones.. but i can't.. i can't bear to leave my gal.

there are no nites i can sleep w/o thinking of my boy.. today, i was clearing all his clothing which i got for him frm HK.. suddenly, my head became extremely heavy and i feel suffocated.. breatheless..

wht shld i do?..
 
devastatedmum,I went thru all that and am still going thru them now. Since the day I know I'll lose my boy till now is abt 3mths, I cry everyday. Only more on certain days, some days less. Like you, I hide somewhere to cry. It's to not affect our love ones. They'll be worried and feel helpless. My hb had wanted to bring me see a doc or counsellor. But I think I'm fine. I'm just griefing over my loss. It's especially diffeicult when keep the clothes or toy meant for our little one. But we jus got to be strong and endure. Tell yourself, because of this suffering you're going thru now, your boy don hv to be born to suffer further. We're still luckier than Mums who give birth to bbs who are sick then hv to see them suffer. Worse still, sometimes after a few operations the bbs still gotta go. So arent we and our bbs luckier in a way? Their suffering has been lessen. We being the mum shall shoulder the pain for them. Think on the bright side. Our bbs suffer no more. Don keep thinking of the loss, think of the gain. Our bbs gain peace and happiness. They're not born with illness that will cause them pain and suffering.
Cry for your loss, but comfort yourself for not needing to watch your boy in pain.There's always good and bad. Think of the positive if you can. Try.
 
Hi Devastedmum,

I truly agree with Coral. Like I said earlier in my posting that I have not been in the situation you mummies are in but have witness 2 of my frens going through this.

One of my fren gave birth at prematurely at 24 weeks. The baby had alot of problems and was in the ICU the whole time. At birth, the baby was only the size of our palm. However, under the good care of the hospital, she was slowly growing but had a lot of complications. Because he lungs were not developed, she was put in the incubator and given oxygen. As oxygen is a strong gas especially to babies, it affected the baby's eyes and she was confirmed blind. Sometimes when there were not enuf veins on her hand and legs for them to put the drip, they had to use the veins on her head. It was a heartrenching sight. Baby was doing well and my frens were looking forward to bringing her back home for her 1st birthday but that did not happen. 10 mths after she was born, the baby died due to lung failure. Someone who had a cold brought the flu virus into the ICU that she was in and the poor baby's system could not fight off the virus. When she died, she had grown from the size of a palm to the size of a 2 mth old baby. My fren was devastated and sad. However, I really admire her cos'she is able to pull herself together and now she and hubby are trying again for another baby. She did share with me that on some days it's good and some days are bad. But basically she had very good support from HB, family, boss, frens and colleagues.

Another one of my fren had a still born a few days she was due for her C-section. No one knows what happen but it did. You can imagine how shocked and sad she was. However, she opened up alot and talk about her feeling and cry when she wanted. It's part of the griefing and healing process. She is also now trying for another baby but at the same time she is also very scared. It's natural for her to feel this way.

So the point that I am trying to make is that take your time to grief for your child. Cry, scream, shout etc... do what you need to relief the emotional stress. don't feel bad cos' what you are feeling is part of your grief for your child. As the days past, it will get better. Take small steps. There is this saying that goes like this... Things that do not kill you will only make you stronger

Will keep you in my prayers....

Sorry for the long post
 
Mummy of 1, thanks for sharing the story. I'm glad that your friends are stong and courageous. I will want to be like them. Hope I'll have the courage to try again. Devastatedmum, it's not an easy path, but let's be brave and move on. I'm still coming to work with swollen eyes every now and then. My boss had a talk with m, but I told her I need time to heal. we're not machines, we can't switch our emotions as and when we like.
I hope you'll stand up soon. I think life will never be the same again, but we can only try to make it better with however little strength we have left.
I wish to have bbs, but now phobia to try. But I miss carrying my own bb in my arms. Now it only happen in my dream. My son called me Mummy in my dream on tue night, as I'm typing my tears roll. Wish he'sstill around. But I know I don't want him to suffer those complications. I'm glad he went comfortably. he's my bb, whateverI do it's to protect him. I may not be able to give him life, I'm glad I did not give him life with compromised quality.
Please remember that your boy is fine and happy now. We shall grief that we can't spend time with them anymore, but rejoice in the fact that they suffer no more. Maybe one day they'll be back to be our bbs when they find a healthy body.
 
thxs coral and mummy of 1.. thxs..

i knw wht i hv to do. i hv to move on coz i still hv my gal to take care of. i still hv a lot of loved ones ard me who really care and are worried of me.

its still very painful and its not easy for me to forget. i'll let my tears roll whenever i want to.. but only secretly. altho it sounds cruel to some ppl, but i knw by making this decision, its for the good of my boy. there no doubt of my love for him.. i love him and want the best for him. if i insisted of keeping him, he'll definitely suffer and hated me even more for bringing miseries and pain to him. i am left wif no choice..

my hb kept consoling me.. telling me we'll hv another boy.. another healthy boy.. but he got no idea how afriad i am now.. i fear i will hv to experience all these again.. but deep inside me, i yearn for another child.. but i juz cldn't ignore the phobia i got..

many said time will heal.. but they're wrong!! time can't heal a scar.. a permanent scar tht reminds u of the unpleasantness.
 
devasteatedmum, I know your phobia. I'm not sure if it's unfair for me to say at least you know you can give birth to a bb. For me, on my first try already lots of problem. From the day I discover I'm preg I gotta get a jab and blood test daily to sustain the preg cos me not producing enough of certain hormones to support the bb, then I started bleeding since 8wks, and goota be confined in bed everyday, I go nowhere, they just being bed pan to me and wipe my body. Eveb after all these efforts, I can't save my boy. I'm now very very scared to try again. The pain from jabs and blood test is ok. The morning sickness is ok. although very frustrationg, I'm willing to endure. What I'm afraid is to be told to end the life of my own child again. I hate to have to make sure decision. It's impossible. It's jst too cruel. You'er right, time heal no scar. When I see those scars on my tummy because of the tests I hv to undergo to save Kaden, I'm filled with fear.
But everyone say we have to move on. I think that's the only way. Cos what else can we do? Dwelling on the past doesn;t help us or our lost child. Let's be brave and try.
I'm saying all these to you and to myself. I just goota keep reminding myself to be brave. Hope you will be brave too.
 
devastatedmum, I'm going on business for the whole of next week, so may not be able to come in to chat with you, so you take care in the meanwhile and think positive.
 
hi coralmarine,

i'm very sorry to hv digged out ur painful memories.. i didn't mean it.. really. Dun give up hope.. u're such a nice lady so god will definitely bless u wif a healthy and adorable bb. Hv u discussed wif ur gynae on ur condition?

as for me..i guessed i juz nid more time to adjust myself and bury all my painful memories. probably by letting out all my sorrow may help.. hahaha.. shall try one of these days.

coralmarine.. thxs for spending time wif me consoling and encouraging me... really thxs.
 
Hi devastatedmum, don worry, u din dig up anything, it's always here.
Saw gynae say we should hv no problem. He say bleeding is vy common what happened was I was attack by some rare virus like those of common flu during this preg.
Hope you'll be strong like many of the ladies here.
 
Counting down to my babies' 1st Angel Day. Have been feeling blue the whole of this and last week.
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Wonder if I'll ever get over it.
 
dear k&k and all ladies on this thread. i don't know the details of each of your stories but as i read this thread, i felt my heart well up with tears. i too lost my first angel baby last nov at 22w5d when her heart simply gave up inside me. the emptiness, the tears, the pain... and having to endure 18 hrs of pain to deliver my baby forever sleeping.

altho it seems impossible, they will eventually fade but you will always remember your angel.

i really hope all of you had the chance to see and hold your baby, and perhaps even have a decent cremation for him/her. many times, everything happens so quickly in such situations that parents are left in shock and make decisions they regret.

if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on, i do encourage you to join a support group that meets at NKF bldg once a month. go to www.childbereavementsupport.org.sg for more info. someone will always be there to listen to you and just cry with you....
 
Dear K&K hugs. Don't know why, recently I get emotional again. Prob the tot of trying for bb again, reminds me more of my lost bb.
I guess it's impossible to get over it. But hopefully with time, we can think of them in peace.

K&K, please don't feel blue, think of them in good hands and happily playing with all other angels in heaven. I know it's hard, but try to think of the good things. I've been dwelling on my lost too. keep forgetting to tell myself that at least he's not suffering anymore. Now, I can only hug his photo and sob. Wish I can carry him in my arms. But we must be strong and be positive. Hugs.
 
Coral & Snort, Thanks for your kind words. I guess my blueness will go off after a while.

Coral, I'm also trying but no success yet. I guess being blue doesn't help at all. sigh....
 
k&K, be strong. We'll always miss them. They're our precious bbs. Always will be. Guess nobody can understand what each of us went through, we'll have to help ourselves stand up again.

Your bbs are good and well now. Be happy for them.
 
k&k, don't feel you have to rush through your grieving. everyone of us is different and it will definitely take a while. i cried everyday for a whole month every time i thot of my baby or listened to a song i dedicated to her or read an email/sms or wrote my journal. sometimes i cried when i ate. i cried in private becos i didn't want to seem needy. and i still well up with tears as i write this. but it's no longer painful for me, just sad. the pain will fade but i think the sadness will always be just there when you think about it. just for a while and it'll go away when you think of the many other positive things you have in life.

take a holiday break with your hubby, it's ok for you to find time for yourself. you're not betraying your angel by doing so. if anything, you're telling your angel that you will carry on with life to celebrate his/her short life.

be blue all you want for now. cry, rant and rave. then you'll find it within yourself to carry on. trust me. it's amazing the inner strength we can summon up in crises like these. i avoided my friends for almost two months becos i couldn't bear to hear "you'll have another one" or "i know..." or "it's god's will". I would have hit them! esp since i had to go thro IVF to conceive my angel. it was all the more painful wondering if i could ever go thro another IVF or ever have a child.

BUT... there is always hope at the end of a rainbow. I conceived naturally after 4 months! so do keep the flame alive in your heart...
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SMILE.

do join a support group. it might help to talk about it.
 
Hi gals!

K&K, BIG HUGS on your upcoming angel's day. After having gone through 2 angel's day, I find that the anticipation of that day is more terrible than passing through the day itself. Do something simple or meaningful to remember your bb with. For me, for the first year, hb and I had a small slice of cake, to rmber our little boy. In the second year, we said a little prayer at the temple.

Snort, hi! Sorry to hear about your loss. I can totally relate to your point about wanting to hit someone who said it's god's will or you'll hv another one.
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Congrats on your current preg! It is always difficult to be preg again after a loss. The fears and the worries. I have jus given birth to my daughter in Mar and she is my constant joy! Do drop by to chat a little if you need any help with qns during the preg
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folic
 
Hi K&K, hope you're fine. I wouldn't say better, cos I think it's diff to get better anytime soon. Tears well up, whenever I read any msg by anyone here. I think the pain from our lost will always be with us.But I believe like snort say, we should continue our lives to celebrate the short lives of our beloved bbs. They'll be happy to see us loving and thinking of them even after they've left us.
 


Folic, thank u for your offer... Congrats to on your baby girl! 6 mos old already...
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i am simply thankful to cross the 22w mark with my current pg. i didn't want to let fear and worries hit me becos i know it's never-ending for the 9 mos! i do get anxious if i haven't felt my baby move for a few hours.
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i'm just looking forward to Dec when i deliver... i'm considering using a technique called Hypnobirthing which basically uses deep relaxation to aid in a natural, drug-free childbirth, which i so heroically hope to have!
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hehe....

Coral and all the ladies here, i found it so sickening to the core when i read in books that after the first tri, miscarriage risk drops to 1% and here i was, that horrendous 1%. i thot then that i was a RARE case but since then, i've realised that there are so many of us out there suffering with little support. I didn't know of this website then becos SINGAPOREMOTHERHOOD just doesn't seem like a place for Losses, right??! the worst is that our babies are just a statistic, with no right to a registration becos technically (URGH) we didn't have a child. My baby now sits on my dresser in an urn... one day, she'll return to the earth.

perhaps it would be good to spread the word about www.childbereavementsupport.org.sg becos i think a visible support group like that works too. in time to come, they'll have their own bulletin board for mothers who have loved and lost.

devastatedmum, look for the rainbow as the sun starts to shine through for you eventually, becos it will happen. for now, i know it seems impossible. take your time yet do know that when you've reached the bottom, there is only one way out...UP! you know, after a while, i stopped writing on the bulletin boards becos i felt that the more i wrote, the more it kept me from healing. maybe it's the same for you?

Coral, my hopes and wishes for you...
 
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