Dear all,
I lost my Jie Yun two months after she was born (Java and folic knew the story). Although it's not a stillbirth, but grief of losing our babies is the same. I too have colleagues and friends who didn't know about my lost and asked me whenever they met me, or sent emails asking how's the baby, do I have photos to share, etc.
It's really hard to reply; and always the same response when they heard my answer: "you are still young, can try for another one", worse even, many of the older folks say " bo pian lah, she don't want to be our child...", I knew that's the way they tried to comfort me, but they didn't know it actually hurts me more and I wouldn't rather they didn't say anything. Why my Jie Yun didn't want to be my daughter? am I not a good enough mother to be? had I done something wrong so I deserve this??? I really pissed off when I heard people say that but I can only smile because their intention is good.
In fact, when I heard people said " she don't want to be our child..", I started blaming my MIL, I think (yes, I do, till now) she is the one to be "blamed".
She is a disciple of the Taiwanese Tao (Yi Guan4 Dao4) and she spends a lot of time serving the Fuo2 Tang2 (their so called temple) and the activities. Before our marriage, she had told my hubby & his siblings that she is not going to look after any grandchild because if she do so, she would have no time for her religion. When we found out Jie Yun had heart problem at the 20+ week scan and when we told her, her first question was " is it a girl or a boy?".
Later when we went back to Malaysia, she kept telling us that around the time when we conceived, she had a dream- that she made donation to the temple so she was allowed to choose a Budda statute, she found one Guan Yin statute which she loved so much hence she picked it up, only then she realized that there was a hole under the statute, her immediate reaction was thrown away the Guan Yin statute and wanted to pick up another Guan Gong statute. Then she said " Guan Yin is a female and Guan Gong is a male", I was so upset on what she was trying to imply so I just ignored her.
Knowing that she couldnt convinced me to abort Jie Yun, she then said wouldnt you worry that people will gossip if you have a baby like that? you both have to think carefully, this kind of problem got to spend a lot of money, you have to go in & out the hospital, I cannot help to take care of the baby... Every time we went home, she kept repeating all these (except the dream). I really felt like slapping her every time, I wanted to tell her that I wont ask for a single cent from her to shut her up. For me, she doesnt care about the baby but the money. Purposely then, I warned my hubby not to give her any money anymore because we had to keep the money for our Jie Yun (in fact, it was me who told my hubby to give her money initially).
After Jie Yun left, she called me up, told me to go to the temple & make contribution to the temple, she said I think Jie Yun has made a san4[good] yuan2 [relationship?] with us, she didnt spend a lot of our money then she said ai ya, you didnt know, I felt so fan2 [perturbed?] when I think about taking care of children like that
I actually feel that she was so relieved that she no longer had to have a problematic grandchild like Jie Yun, because no one can gossip about her anymore. I knew this because she once told my hubby that people would say you are such a devoted disciple so why you have a grandchild like that?, she even asked me do I believe in retribution, etc.
I really hate her of saying all these things, I feel that if Jie Yun really left because she didnt want to be our child, then its because Jie Yun didnt want to be her grandchild. It was her curse that resulted in all these she dont want to take care of grandchildren so now she got no grandchildren to take care of, she felt Jie Yun such a annoy to her so Jie Yun left and she longer has to worry that people will gossip about her.
I am so angry that I dont want to go back to her place after Jie Yun left, and I dont want to address her anymore. Sometimes If not because of she is my hubbys mother, I even wanted to curse her, she is such a evil for me that she deserve no good. I think I wont let my child to acknowledge her, since she doesnt want any grandchild to disturb her serving to the religion, then why should the grandchildren acknowledge her? She dont deserve this privilege!!
Sorry for such a long but non-relevant posting, I just need to vent out all my anger