Support Group - Stillbirths

M

miracle_bb

Member
This is my second time trying to create this thread. Previously it was deleted by Chin Leng during the move from Brides to Motherhood and back again.

I had 2 stillbirths both lost at 35 weeks. First one lost on 1 June 2003 (tomorrow is 2 year anniversary), the other more recently on 22 Jan 2005. Past few months had more blood work done. Found out to have protein S deficiency, a kind of Inherited Thrombophilia that causes blood clots in the placenta. Will be administered heparin shots in my next preg (when I have the courage again) to thin the blood and have close fetal monitoring.

Feel free to share your experiences here.
 


Hi,

I feel you are a v brave and strong woman to have gone thru the above. Is it possible for you to deliver your next baby at 34 weeks gestation just to prevent any reoccurance? I have a young son now and I can understand your anguish at being so close to Motherhood.

May God give you the strength and courage to conceive again. Take care.
 
Hi Cosmic Star,
It's Reyesmom here. Met you on the original thread before it went MIA.

How have you been doing? Have been very busy and also have started trying for another one. My Chinese sinseh has given me the greenlight to try 4 months after Reyes' stillbirth in January. Part of me is really eager to get pregnant but another part of me is really terrified.Anyway, will just try and see what happens. Although sometimes i think maybe i'm meant to have only one child (I have a daughter Jillian, age 5). Before her, i had a missed abortion, after her, i had an ectopic then it was Reyes' stillbirth.

Take care of yourself now.
 
Hi Reyesmommy,
Yes I remember your nick. Could you recount again what happen to Reyes? I think we all have to be brave to try for another child. How are you coping now? I'm really much better. At least dun have to rely on sleeping pills to sleep now. Thinking of getting a dog to fill the silent house.

Hi minnie,
Thanks for your encouragement. I'm afraid only those who have gone thru a lost can truly understand the anguish, fear and despondence. To have your hopes and dreams dashed. Until now the nursery room is still empty. Yes, my gynae has planned to deliver me at 34 weeks. The second one was not planned this way, coz no one expected it to happen again at 35 weeks. This time my current gynae is good enough to sent me for blood tests. The first one's diagnosis was cord strangulation.
 
Hi Comicstar,

Yes, though I didnt go thru wat you did, a very close fren went thru it, 3x in fact. All 3 babies lost at 3rd Tri. I really felt for her cos I was also almost due then. I kept wondering how I would react if it happened to me. Sigh... She went for blood tests and detected some blood disorder, was put on medication/injections and is currently awaiting the arrival of her boy. We are all happy for her. Nothing is impossible if you have faith. Dun give up on yourself. Let your gynae guide you thru and God will lead you to your little one.
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Hi Reyesmommy,

I'm in
happy.gif
.... Lost my twins, Keane and Keisha at 23weeks in October 2004. I was devastated! Doctor doesn't know the cause
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Anyway, I'm still trying very hard to get over it. Used to cry myself to sleep every night.... I don't cry as much now.

Doc gave green light to try again 2 months back but have not succeeded........Just like you, I anticipate yet worried.
 
Hi Cosmicstar,
I had a really great pregnancy, everything was going fine and baby growing well. Then suddenly woke up one morning and felt that the baby wasn't moving as much. Went to see the gynae and she couldn't detect any movement - immediately went to TMC and they couldn't see any blood flow and heartbeat also. My gynae tried to induce me but cervix couldn't open so finally had to do a c-section. She told me that placenta was fine, amniotic fluid level ok, no cord strangulation so really, i don't know what happened. His heart just stopped at 36.5weeks. I had the option of doing an autopsy but i just couldn't bear the thought of cutting him up. But i got to cuddle him and managed to get his footprints. My poor hubby had to do the arrangements of the funeral and cremation and picking up Reyes' ashes and bones. I think if i had to do it, I will surely go mad. Reyes is now in the same niche as my Dad (who passed away last Feb). My dad can take care of his little grandson now.

I'm doing much much better - I don't start to cry everytime i think of Reyes now and my heart doesn't hurt so much. I just look forward to seeing my angel baby boy again in heaven (let's hope I am going to heaven : )). Wanna hear something strange, you know what the Chinese say that on the 7th day of a person's death, the soul will come back to visit the family? Well, on the 7th day that Reyes passed away, a little baby moth appeared in my house and just stayed there the whole day. The next day it was gone. I know that being a Catholic and all, i'm not suppose to believe that, but it would be nice if it really was Reyes come back to visit his family.

My hubby and I will try for a baby till his birthday in Oct. If nothing happens, we getting a dog also!
 
Hi Keane and Keisha's Mommy,
Your kids have such beautiful names.
I used to wake up and cry in the night and also in the day. But ended up hiding in the toilet to cry cos my daughter and hubby caught me too many time crying. Sometimes, i think we shld all get together and do this Crying party. My hubby went drinking to ease his pain. When i asked him how was the drinking session, he says 'Drinking sure doesn't help'. I felt so sad for him. Men are not like us women, we can cry it out, what can our husbands do besides drinking and drowning their sorrows. How did your husbands cope?
 
Hi Reyesmommy,
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm sorry if it brought back sad memories. Perhaps you would want to do a Thrombophilia screening? Usually babies who die of unexplained intrauterine fetal death are related to blood clotting disorders. Already I know of 2 gals who had stillbirths in their 3rd trimester, had the screening done and found to have similar protein S deficiency. This would be helpful to the management of future pregnancies.

It does not matter what religion we are, we just want so much to feel our babies' presence that we hope to see and believe things (e.g. moth) signify them. BTW I'm also Catholic and I also saw a moth fly into our home during my confinement period. It gave me some peace during the time of grief. I went to talk to a nun, Sr Hazel from Cenacles. She told me that my babies are still with me, just that I have to see them at a different level. No longer in a physical sense in my womb, but now they are in my heart. Still remember how the disciples reacted while walking the road to Emmaus after Jesus's death? Jesus was there beside them, but they simply could not see Him. They thought Jesus had died and could not reconcile that this guy was in fact the resurrected Christ! But Jesus removed the blindings in their eyes and they could finally recognise Him. Their hearts burn when they remember how happy they were during the time He was with them on earth. So similarly we ask God to remove the blindings in our eyes, so that we can see our babies at a spiritual level and not feel so sad anymore. Currently I have a blog where I will write letters to my sons, it helped me through the grieving process.

Hi KeaneKeisha,
Such beautiful names for twins. I hope you are coping fine and do come in here to talk to us. We are here to listen and support one another.
 
Hi Cosmicstar,

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your little boy as it is his Angel Day today.I pray that God grant you and your husband the strength and comfort and most of all, that you will hve the courage to try again.

I'm ok now and can talk abt Reyes. I've had a successful pregnancy before so I'm not sure if
Thrombophilia is a cause but i will get my gynae to check on this.

Hi KeaneKeisha's mommy,

Yes, hope you are coping fine. Just take it one day at a time. I was in a very dark and painful place for a long time and I'm thankful I'm out of it now. Although to be honest, when i see little babies now esp those whose age would be the same as Reyes now, I just feel so sad. There are still some days when I just want to curl up in one corner and cry because it just hurts so bad. But somehow we just have to find the strength to carry on.

The other day, one colleague of mine came up to me and said 'You were pregnant right? Did you have a boy or girl?' and I had to tell her I had a stillbirth - after that, there is THAT awkardness and silence. Or sometimes i will meet colleagues who jsut knew i was pregnant but not about the stillbirth and i'm thinking in my heart 'Don't ask about the baby, don't ask me about the baby' - I don't know if any of you ever experience this. Or when ppl know about the stillbirth, they always say 'Never mind, can try for another one' or 'it's God's will, ask God for the serenity to accept it' and I just have to grin and bear it when inside i'll think 'I don't want another one, I want this one and how the hell do you know it's God's will? He must be a very cruel God then'. That's why till now, I'm still having a very shakey relationship with God, I still believe in him but am struggling so hard with my faith.

Sorry, for rambling but i just needed to get it out of my system.
 
Hi gals,

I chanced upon this resurrected thread jus half an hour ago.. started reading and jus wanted to say that it brings back memories of my own and that I can identify with the stages of grief that you gals have gone through.

I lost my baby at 23 weeks, when my waterbag break prematurely (technically, it is classified as a miscarriage, not stillbirth). This happened almost 2 years ago but my heart still aches for the son whom I have lost. His name is Jie. I have a daughter born 3 mths ago and while I used to think that a subsequent baby will lessen the pain, I think it is not quite true for my case. I will look at my daughter and think of the son that I have lost, wondering what it would be like if she has a big brother to play with.

Like Reyesmummy, I still feel sad looking at 2 year olds right now... cos that's how old Jie would be if he's around. However, what I want to say is that the pain will lessen as the days go by but the memory of the baby we have lost will always remain deep in our heart.

Reyesmummy, such questions will lessen over time. Initially, I find it tough to answer such questions as well but I remember that if I respond to them with a smile (sort of to let them know that I am ok), then the awkwardness will be less. I know it is tough to smile now, but do try it!
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folic
 
Keane&Kisha,

Good luck! I hope you succeed soon! The subsequent pregnancy after a loss is always one filled with worries and aniticipation. I hope I can share my preg experience with you soon!

folic
 
Hi Reyesmommy

My case was different, my babies were fine...but I had contractions at about 5am...initially i thot i have tummyache, went to the toilet, but the pain was still there. I went back to bed but the contractions got worst and i had slight bleeding, then i woke my hubby up and check myself into KKH A&E.

The Doc tried to stop the contraction with medicine but i developed bad side effects after 3+ days...water in my lungs, very high heart rate and breathing difficulty....landed myself in the ICU. They had to stop the medicine and the contractions was so intense that I delivered both of them about 1 hour after.

They were alive at birth...Keisha was doing better than Keane. But the neonatal specialist adviced that if i were to deliver before 24 weeks, chances of them surviving is extremely low and even if they survive, they may suffer from blindness, brain damaged etc. etc. They were against resuscitating them. Had to watch them go...this was the hardest!!
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When I was at the hospital, whenever I hear a baby cry, my tears would just flow..... I had to request to have early discharge!

Well, for people asking, same here. I get colleagues and friends asking about the babies "how's the babies doing", "who's helping to take care?"... and those who knows... "nevermind, you are still young, try again"...sigh... worst still, i have 2 other colleagues who were also pregnant about the same time...them bringing their babies to the office...the sharing of photographs and the baby's development was unbearable...can't blame them...the excitement of being new mummies

There was so much pain at work that i wanted to quit! My boss was not exactly understanding
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I'm coping better now.

K&K
 
Reyesmommy,

My hubby is fine now...or it seems. He tries to hide his feelings..knowing that I'll cry with the slightest trigger esp from him. I know he is very sad too..he was so looking forward to them even though he was away on his overseas for his posting during the first few months of my pregnancy, he went shopping for baby stuff for them.

Poor hubby, had to bury Keane and Keisha, it was very hard for him, he couldn't hold back his tears...I was still in the hospital then...

K&K
 
hi reyesmommy and kk,
I feel that my heart is crying out for both of you and also myself. Now I know why they call it Silent Grief. I can totally relate to what you all said, abt ppl who ask how's the bb, etc. I think my worse experience was when I was talking to my US counterpart, he ask me how's the bb coz he knew I just came back from maternity leave. How do you expect me to answer him as the office is so quiet! So I just told him ok and then say tok to him later. I think he felt the awkwardness, and when I emailed him apologising the abruptness of the call and wat happen, etc. He was very nice, told him that he can fully understand as his wife had an m/c a year ago.

Hi kk,
I still remember my hubby took 3 days compassionate leave (not paternity leave) to settle the funeral arrangements. We have a niche for James in a church nearby. He even have to source which funeral palour provide the cheapest service. Do you know some casket coys only burn the ashes and do not provide the urn? Stupid right? How do you expect us to know where to buy an urn? As if going shopping like dat. We found out that Trinity Casket is the most ex, luckily we found a reasonably priced casket coy. During that time he was at home and settling all this business, my hubby was very sad and despondent. I became so worried for him, I was glad he went back to work after that. He even went for buffet lunch, and became more cheerful!
 
K&K, reading your story is like something I would have written some time back. LIke you, I went into early labour (difference is that yours start with contraction/bleeding while mine start with waterbag bursting). I was also put on drips to stop the labour but the contractions jus keep coming and there's almost no water left in the womb. My heart rate was also going higher and higher and it was too dangerous for me to continue with the drip after one day. My doc had originally wanted me to push the baby out but I was too distressed so in the end, she did a D&C for me. It is my biggest regret that I did not have the courage to see my baby Jie and to hold him for the first and last time. We did not have any religious ceremony for the baby.. the hospital took care of the disposal...

I too have no reasons for why it happened. However, my gynae for my 2nd preg says that it is due to gestational diabetes, which can lead to premature labour. So, I was put on strict monitoring for gestational diabetes in the 2nd preg. Did you know whether u had Gestational Diabetes? Sometimes, I think it is difficult to go into another preg without knowing the reason why we lost the initial baby. I basically stopped myself from thinking too much during my pregnancy and placed a lot of trust on my gynae. The support from my hubby is also very important during that 9 mths. I am sure you and your hubby will work together in the next preg even much better than during the first preg.. the bond built after the loss is undescribable.

folic
 
K&K.. yeah.. jus like me..no infection, cervix still closed when i got to the hosp, even diabetes is jus a mebbe.. so...

folic
 
Hi All,
Haizzz..all so sad. Wonder why things like that happen while last time, women just give birth like laying eggs. Now we have this problem and that problem. My chinese sinseh has been giving me all these absolutely FOUL chinese medicine to drink to 'tiao' my womb. It's so disgusting I just want to vomit sometimes, i just hope all medicine will come to some good.

Oh..just want to say also that onoe of the worse part of the whole experience was my 'dearly beloved' mother-in-law who came to my house to visit me after the stillbirth and proceeded to go hysterical about what happened. She just went on and on nonstop and her voice just got louder and louder until I yelled at her that she's not the only one who's sad, i'm also devastated. And of course, before she left she had to have her last word of 'See lah, i wanted to make the Chinese medicine to protect your baby but you don't want to drink, see what happen lah, told you drink you don't want, see lah, see lah'- AARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
 
Dear all,

I lost my Jie Yun two months after she was born (Java and folic knew the story). Although it's not a stillbirth, but grief of losing our babies is the same. I too have colleagues and friends who didn't know about my lost and asked me whenever they met me, or sent emails asking how's the baby, do I have photos to share, etc.

It's really hard to reply; and always the same response when they heard my answer: "you are still young, can try for another one", worse even, many of the older folks say " bo pian lah, she don't want to be our child...", I knew that's the way they tried to comfort me, but they didn't know it actually hurts me more and I wouldn't rather they didn't say anything. Why my Jie Yun didn't want to be my daughter? am I not a good enough mother to be? had I done something wrong so I deserve this??? I really pissed off when I heard people say that but I can only smile because their intention is good.

In fact, when I heard people said " she don't want to be our child..", I started blaming my MIL, I think (yes, I do, till now) she is the one to be "blamed".

She is a disciple of the Taiwanese Tao (Yi Guan4 Dao4) and she spends a lot of time serving the Fuo2 Tang2 (their so called temple) and the activities. Before our marriage, she had told my hubby & his siblings that she is not going to look after any grandchild because if she do so, she would have no time for her religion. When we found out Jie Yun had heart problem at the 20+ week scan and when we told her, her first question was " is it a girl or a boy?".

Later when we went back to Malaysia, she kept telling us that around the time when we conceived, she had a dream- that she made donation to the temple so she was allowed to choose a Budda statute, she found one Guan Yin statute which she loved so much hence she picked it up, only then she realized that there was a hole under the statute, her immediate reaction was thrown away the Guan Yin statute and wanted to pick up another Guan Gong statute. Then she said " Guan Yin is a female and Guan Gong is a male", I was so upset on what she was trying to imply so I just ignored her.

Knowing that she couldnt convinced me to abort Jie Yun, she then said wouldnt you worry that people will gossip if you have a baby like that? you both have to think carefully, this kind of problem got to spend a lot of money, you have to go in & out the hospital, I cannot help to take care of the baby... Every time we went home, she kept repeating all these (except the dream). I really felt like slapping her every time, I wanted to tell her that I wont ask for a single cent from her to shut her up. For me, she doesnt care about the baby but the money. Purposely then, I warned my hubby not to give her any money anymore because we had to keep the money for our Jie Yun (in fact, it was me who told my hubby to give her money initially).

After Jie Yun left, she called me up, told me to go to the temple & make contribution to the temple, she said I think Jie Yun has made a san4[good] yuan2 [relationship?] with us, she didnt spend a lot of our money then she said ai ya, you didnt know, I felt so fan2 [perturbed?] when I think about taking care of children like that

I actually feel that she was so relieved that she no longer had to have a problematic grandchild like Jie Yun, because no one can gossip about her anymore. I knew this because she once told my hubby that people would say you are such a devoted disciple so why you have a grandchild like that?, she even asked me do I believe in retribution, etc.

I really hate her of saying all these things, I feel that if Jie Yun really left because she didnt want to be our child, then its because Jie Yun didnt want to be her grandchild. It was her curse that resulted in all these she dont want to take care of grandchildren so now she got no grandchildren to take care of, she felt Jie Yun such a annoy to her so Jie Yun left and she longer has to worry that people will gossip about her.

I am so angry that I dont want to go back to her place after Jie Yun left, and I dont want to address her anymore. Sometimes If not because of she is my hubbys mother, I even wanted to curse her, she is such a evil for me that she deserve no good. I think I wont let my child to acknowledge her, since she doesnt want any grandchild to disturb her serving to the religion, then why should the grandchildren acknowledge her? She dont deserve this privilege!!

Sorry for such a long but non-relevant posting, I just need to vent out all my anger
 
Hi TSH,
I feel alot of pain and anger from your post. I'm sad that you did not get much emotional support from your MIL. If me, I will feel as spiteful, not to let any future grandchildren acknowlege her, blah blah. I think its wise to stay away from her for awhile. You need to cool down too. Your MIL is also upset and may say things that upset you. I think the Chinese belief of retribution is very cruel and also their superstitions. It is totally not helpful at all for someone recovering an ordeal like this. For some time I also was pissed off with my MIL, coz she told my mum to cook a local pig stomach and let me eat during my confinement, want to "change" my stomach! Imagine how angry my mum felt, its like "blaming" her for giving birth to an unhealthy me.

You must never blame yourself for letting Jie Yun be born into this world and see her suffering. I'm a very pro-life person, I too will never abort my babies if they have any defects. You have given Jie Yun a chance to fight for her life. She has given a good fight and is now enjoying abundance of peace and joy in heaven.

Feel free to come in here to vent your anger. We are here to listen.

hi reyesmommy,
I think we all have these squabbles with our MILs, coz we feel they do not understand us as they are not our own parents. I'm quite tired of these superstitions and what ppl say esp after such things happen (for me twice orehdi), that's why when I think of attempting a 3rd preg, I have be prepared for these things if I fail again.
 
My MIL didn't even visit...no questions... as if nothing happened.. no pregnancy, no lost

I was upset, told my hubby but he said she is sick, not convenient blah blah blah
 
Hi Keane&keisha's mommy,
I feel so sad when i heard your story. So heartbreaking to watch your babies die, i can imagine the pain.Then your MIL just pretend like nothing happen but old ppl like to pretend sometimes. I hope you did a proper confinement to 'bu' your womb for your next pregnancy. Just wondering, how did KK bring you babies to you? I read in the Straits Times forum of this couple who also had a stillbirth and KK brought the baby to them in some cardboard box. When i read it, i felt so angry for them.

Hi TSH,
I also had the 'what to do, he don't want to be your son' thing said to me and I was thinking, why? what's wrong with me? why Reyes don't want to be my son.Your MIL is a nightmare. I thot mine was bad enough.Don't you just feel like stapling their lips together sometimes when they say stupid things and knock some sense into their heads?
 
As the "moderator" of this thread. I suggest that any new writers of this thread, please introduce yourself, state your intention and be sensitive with what you say. This thread is a support group for those who have experienced stillbirths or young children.

Chin Leng, if possible pls remove HydrogenRainbow's posting.
 
just chanced upon this thread. introduce myself? well sure. i am single student. fine. i see ppl bashing me, cursing "what does a student know abt my loss"
true,it is sad to lose a child. but on the other hand i didnt see anything wrong with my previous post because i was not saying something like "Oh good, I am so happy because of...." but if it did hurt,well fine, then i am utterly sorry. honestly speaking, i can't bring myself to use so cliched statements like " time will heal all wounds" . Or worse still, join in the bashing. With regards to K&K's case, what I thought was that sometimes it really might be better if your elders did not say anything."Evil MIL" might have been afraid to make K&K feel even worse by probing, asking more qtns, thereby making her remember her loss. Thus, I made that statement. And from my viewpt, there is nth wrong for e.g. my results suck. I dont need my mom to be nagging all day to remind me how I failed my finals, saying " Wa lao, your results so lousy.." and whatnot. Just giving the person peace when needed certainly would come much appreciated.
Anyway I have said my piece. My posting can be deleted. It's ok.You have your stand, and similarly I have mine. But I wish that the loss will not make u all cynical,spiteful people. Life has its own fair share of ups and downs. It certainly isnt a bed of roses. All the best in all that you do, and may u all pick up the pieces soon. Since the hostility, I dont think I am ever coming back.
 
Hi Cosmicstar,

To clarify, the original thread was not deleted by me and or any official moderator of the board. The thread was lost as we had a server crash and we were not able to restore it from the backup.

Please also note that many other threads were regretfully lost due to the server crashed and it was something we wouldn't like to see happened either.

We apologise for the failure and we are trying our best to keep the server and forum as stable as possible.

Regards,
Chin Leng.
 
Hi Java & all,

I lost my bb at Wk 21 in March, missed m/c and a mystery too. The heartbeat just stopped, no reasons at all. Detailed scan at Wk 19 was good. Sometimes, I wonder if I can ever recover from the heartache. I am usually at the m/c thread where I found a lot of comfort. Just popped by to let u gals know, your stories broke my heart too but may we all have the strength to try again.

Hydrogen Rainbow, I wanted to PM you but I couldn't. This is a support group. If you are so opinionated, you can air your views elsewhere.
 
Hello gals,

I was reading through the heart breaking path of life. The difficult times that you have been through touched my hearts. I sincerely hope you gals will be able to move on again and found your directions again. I really admire you gals. You are very strong... I might not be as strong as you gals cos I only had a miscarriage.

I have learnt one thing in life and still trying to cope with it. People can say or do anything to hurt me, which are not within my control. What's within my control is my feelings and how I perceive things. It all lies within myself, and how happy I want to be.

My MIL did not mention anything about my miscarriage. I think it's better that she dun say anything too. I can see that she wants a grandchild very much. I am glad that she did not blame me, nor did she pressurise me.
happy.gif
 
Hi all,

I'm terribly sorry for your pain and the difficult times that you've experienced. I understand that the feelings can still feel very raw and painful and that is why great sensitivity must be applied when messages are posted in this thread.

However, I would like to encourage everyone to also read messages with an open heart and mind. I've read the first short message posted by HydrogenRainbow and I strongly believe that her message meant no malice. She was simply sharing her own personal view with no ill intention.

We've created the forum for all mums and mums-to-be to share experiences and support. Let's keep this a coordial and friendly place that opinions can be shared freely.

Regards,
Chin Leng.
 
Hi Reyesmommy

After the delivery, the babies were with me until they went away. So KK didn't bring them in boxes, not sure about the collection from the mortuary bit though...my hubby did the arrangements for burial.

K&K
 
Oh...about HydrogenRainbow's posting....

I wasn't looking for "scathing remarks" if that's how it seems. I thought a little visit or phone call from MIL or FIL to ask us (hubby & myself) to take care or getting the maid to make some "bu3 tang1" or ask if we needed anything or whatever... would do the trick for me. (noticed I used the word "OR") I'm easily satisfied. There is no "Evil MIL" here.

Well, HydrogenRainbow (if you ever visit again), too bad you find your mom naggy...that's just a way for her to show some concern or the only way she knows how. You may want to tell her that you would appreciate that she show concern in other ways.

I respect that each has his/her own views and you are entitled to your opinion too, but like what Droopy said, this is a support group for stillbirths...
 
Hi gals,

How's everyone today?

K&K, I know what you mean about trying to get some form of acknowledgement that something has happened or rather, acknowledging that the babies were born and left. During my second pregnancy, I get agitated when my parents or relatives say that it's my first baby. It's like no one seem to acknowledge that my first baby existed. With strangers or frens who do not know, I will jus say yah, she is my firstborn, as I don't want to explain, but with closer relatives or friends, I would have wanted some form of acknowledgement that my baby jie existed b4. I have learnt that it is difficult to get that kind of acknowledgement and I have given up trying to correct their views. I am just happy to know that inside my heart (and my hubby's), I already have 2 children, a son named Jie in heaven and a daughter Yi Xuan, who is 3 mths old now. I will tell Yi Xuan about the elder brother whom she has never met when she is older.

Sometimes, I find that it is easier to be happy when I have no expectations about others. Anything I get is then a bonus
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folic
 
Hi Folic,

It has always been a pleasure reading your post, I wish one day I can reach your status of "xiu yang", sure i will be a lot happier then.
happy.gif
 
hi TSH,

I am sure you will feel happier one day. Your loss is still so recent. I thought I posted something after your long post the other day, but apparently, I did not. In any case, do try to stay positive. It's tough but there must be a point to let go. I am not sure if I told you this before, how I came to closure with my loss.. so I will write about it to share with the rest as well.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I did not have the courage to see Jie. When I woke up from the anathesia, my gynae said, hi, everything is ok now. It's a male baby (she did not say boy.. I think not to let me feel even sadder, so she stuck to more clinical terms),do you want to see him? I just closed my eyes and shook my head. I know that I would be staying in a 2 bedder room and was so worried that the next bed would be someone with a newborn. Luckily, I don't think it was and my gynae was kind enough to quickly discharge me, so that I don't have to be around the hospital much longer than necessary. After I got home and had to do the confinement, the thought of how difficult it is to do confinement without a baby is jus too hard to bear. I have nothing that can remind me of Jie.. only the u/s scans.. nothing else. I keep thinking of how he looked like and I kept asking my hubby if Jie is a handsome boy (hubby saw him). Everything and anything will remind me of Jie and I find myself staring at all the babies in the prams/strollers and wondering wat it would be like to have Jie around. I went to US for a business trip after that and I cried when I stepped into the GAP shop, cos I knew that was where my hubby had gone to buy a whole bunch of baby clothes jus before we lost Jie. It was not until 3 months later, at a follow up checkup with my gynae that I found real peace.

What happened was that I was waiting for my gynae, who was seeing another patient in another room. I saw my patient record and started flipping it. Then I saw a picture of my baby Jie. The pathologist took one picture of him.I jus keep looking at the picture and tears started streaming. My heartbeat was so fast that when my gynae took my blood pressure, it was like 160/100 or some ridiculous numbers, that she referred me to see a doc for high blood pressure! I requested for the photo and she said that my hubby has requested them not to give us. I told her I really wanted the photo and she actually made me sign on the back of her copy to say that I request for it and that my hubby should not go scream at her
happy.gif
That picture meant a lot to me. It is my one and only momento of Jie after he was born. I still look at the picture once in a while. I feel so much more at peace after I got the photo and also when I feel I should perhaps start trying for another.

Sorry for the long post. What I am trying to say, in short, is to find your own form of closure. Only with closure, will we be able to move on. It's a long journey.. take a small step at a time. We are always here to share and listen!

folic
 
Hi Folic

I saw my babies after they were delivered....so small...so cute... but we too didn't manage to take a picture of them before they brought them away. We found out later that the assistants of the priest that helped us with the rites took a picture of them before the burial.

I requested for the pictures...when it finally came, my hubby refuse to let me see it!... I did somehow...i was very upset and he gave in. He told me to be prepared coz the babies looks bad with their skin all wrinkled and dried after the mortuary stay.

It wasn't a very well taken picture, part of their face were covered by the towel. I was very sad when i saw the state they were in...they didn't even look the same! I couldn't bear to look at the photo again...my heart aches..

I envy you....at least you still have a proper picture of Jie to keep.
 
Hi all. I cried when I read all your postings. I too have a baby. Her name is Sydney. She passed away in my womb when she's 4.5 months old in Jan 04. I feel all your pain. Even though I have a 5-month baby gal now, I still remember Sydney. How can we forget right? She will always be in my heart.
 
Hi K&K, actually, the picture of Jie is not proper either. He is not clothed... Anyway, it is my precious momento and it did give me my much needed closure.

Hi Silk! I remember you! You used to post in the miscarriage thread right? Congrats to you on your new born baby! I am sure you will always have Sydney in your heart forever!

folic
 
Hi folic and K&K,
Your stories put tears in my eyes... I dunno what to say to you... but I cried...

Luckily my hubby is not around.
 
Hi there, I had read all yr posting! I feel all of you, no wan were know tt kind of feeling just like a needle hit of the heart! Be Strong, God will always by yr side!
 
Hi folic. Yes I'm used to frequent the support group for miscarriage till I'm pregnant again last year. Thanks! Congratulations to you too! I'm also gave birth @ Raffles Hospital but my gynae is YG Tan.
 
hi girls..

read some of your stories and it reminded me of pitiful self again. yes, the wound is still fresh and i'm still wallowing in self-pity..

for me, hubby and I were forced to make the cruel decision to end the life of the little bb girl inside me at 24th week. it was so hard to let go, when my gynae first broke the news to me that my bb was not growing well and there will be severe complications due to oligohydramnios at 20th week, we refused to accept it. he referred us to another gynae who shared the same opinion. we refused to take it either. we sought the 3rd gynae who tried to do something.. perhaps she knew it won't help but it was more to please our conscience since she knew we can't let go until we see for ourselves that the situation is really beyond hope. she infused fluid into me. one week later, the fluid was still there.. hubby and I were full of hope, thinking this was the 11th hour miracle that we have been praying for. another week passed, the water dried up again. at that time, i'm reaching the critical 24th week deadline where i have to decide if i want to keep the bb, coz by law, termination beyond that is not allowed.

to complicate things, gynaes diagnosed that our bb's left kidney is not functioning. question is whether the right one, which looks normal, is also malfunctioning. they said they can't tell for sure, since they can only start testing and poking needles into the bb after she is born to ascertain the truth. but since my water dried up, it is likely that the right kidney may only be partially functioning, or that the placenta is not working well, since bb also has intra-uterine growth restriction.

we asked the gynae for the exact implications after bb is borne, she couldn't bring herself to tell us (i think), so she referred us to a pedi surgeon. that was when the hard truth hit us - we were told that there can be many senarios. first of all, the confirmed complications would be that the bb will be a squashed bb since it has no water, that would mean having a squashed face, hard lungs full of respiratory problems, rocker-bottom feet. second, bb has growth-restriction, which means future mental and physical development would be a problem as well. thirdly, if the right kidney is really not working, then it is called the potters' syndrome which is not compatible with life. if kidney is only partially functioning and fails in the child's early years, then needless to say, she would have to undergo lifelong dialysis unless there is a suitable transplant.

the cruel truth hit us hard indeed. it is my first pregnancy and it had to be a girl, what my hubby and i had been praying for. we really wanted very much to keep this bb, but we know we would be very irresponsible to bring this child into this world if we know she has to suffer.

so last saturday, i admitted myself to hospital for the termination. initially i was given a double-room coz single is full.. i begged the nurse to try to put me in the single room. i really cannot imagine myself going though 12-24 hour labour with someone else and possible her visitors beside me and my hubby not by my side.. thank God the nurses were very understanding, they put me on the priority list and i was shifted to a single room a couple of hours later.

at my 11th hour of labour, my tummy ache was so intense, i went to toilet, but i was so scared to push at the toiletbowl coz i'm scared my bb will drop inside..so i quickly came out. finally, at the 12th hour, bb was borne.. with the waterbag intact. my hubby saw the bb, and he begged me not to look coz it was not a pretty sight. i listened to him.. he said he will never be able to forget the image of our little girl curled up in the waterbag..

today is the 3rd day after the whole procedure. i'm resting at home, but everytime i think of my little girl, my heart aches terribly and tears well up in my eyes. the old folks say during your confinement month, you cannot cry as it is no good for the eyes. but how not to?????????

and yes, i'm still struggling with God for what happened. why did He give us our bb girl if His intention is to allow her to be taken away like that? if it is really His will, then He is a cruel God isn't he?..

perhaps time will help but it can never heal.. theh bb girl will always have a special place in my heart.. just like all you out there who had experienced the loss of your little babies..
 
Bellybutton,

I wish I can come over and give u a big hug! Your loss is still very recent and the sadness and pain that you are going through is inevitable.

Allow yourself to heal both physically and emotionally over time. Questions such as why it happened to you will always pop out... it came to my mind all the time. But I do believe that there's a reason for everything and sometimes, just have to accept that the reason might not be known to us. It is difficult initially, but it will get easier.

I know it is tough not to cry but do take care of yourself. The journey ahead is a long one and you need to ensure that you have the energy and to recover well physically. Your little girl will have many friends in heaven, including my boy Jie. I am sure all the babies in thread will become good frens, jus like their mummies will become good frens here on earth!

folic
 
Bellybutton,
I am sorry to hear abt what you are going through. Try to be strong, knowing that your girl has gone to Heaven.
 
Hi bellybutton. I cried when I read your experience. I'm so sorry to hear that. I also questioned God why He took my 1st gal away. She was diagnosed with neural tube defect. Before the 4th mth triple test result was out, her hearbeat stopped. She chose to pass away. My husband & I were glad that we did not have to make a painful decision like yours. You must be devastated. Do send me a private message if you want to talk.
 


Hi Ladies,
Just came back from a short break from Lombok and saw all your posts.
Belly button, i am so sorry and so sad to hear what you have to go through. I cannot imagine the pain you had to go through to have to make that awful decision. I still remember the time when i found out i lost Reyes and the damn awful feeling and sorrow i felt inside when i knew my son had died. It's really the worse worse feeling in the world.
But there are mummies here who've gone on to have another baby and they really give me hope that I might be able to have another. I had a dream the other night of a little baby boy about 6 months old and I was looking at the baby boy and I was crying and thinking that this is how big Reyes would be if he was alive. Then suddenly, the baby boy reached out to me to be breastfed and I realised that this baby is actually mine. My husband thinks i must be so baby obsessed that I'm actually dreaming of things like this : ) Even though it's a dream, deep down i hope it comes true!
 
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