ALLAH LEBIH MENGASIHINYA...KEPADA IBU/BAPA MIM FIRDAUS...SEMOGA ALLAH PERTEMUKAN KAMU BERSAMANYA DI SYURGA KELAK...FIRDAUS MENANTI MU...AMIN..
To Muslimin & Muslimat...
Marilah kite bersama memanjatkan Al-Fatihah pada allahyarham Mim Firdaus
Semoga allah cucuri rahmatnya...amin
Here Goes The Story...(i've problem uploading his picture)
First of all, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your condolences wish for baby Mim Firdauz. All the prayers that was given are much appreciated from my family and I. Baby Mim had been safely buried yesterday morning at Pusara Aman. To those of you wondering what happened, I'm putting down the event that happened. Partly it's also a way for me to let out and fully let go. Definitely I will never be able to forget my baby but at least I know both my hubby and myself as well as my family 'redha' of his departure. He is in a better place now and I'm proud of him for being a strong and good boy.
Baby Mim is suffering from SVT. It's a condition where the heartbeat runs faster than normal. According to the doctor, this happens due to probably wiring of the heart or the structure of the heart itself. Unfortunately, it's a rare case and that until now doctors are not able to tell us exactly what's the cause. For me it's as simple as it's God's given. Baby Mim was born healthy and after about 1 and half months, he developed this condition. It's just a reason for him to leave in peace without coroner trying to find out what's the cause of death. Therefore I thank God for letting Mim returned to him in the natural form without any further cuts on his body.
First time we went to KK A & E (which was referred by SGH). Baby Mim's heart rate was 300 plus and went through a lot in just 24 hours. Blood test, IV plus with pain on such a tiny body. Fortunately, he was let go on the account that his heart had stabled to 150 plus with continued medications at home. We were told of this condition and that it's rare especially at his age. I was also told that most cases, the condition stabilised and that it won't come again. Though we were told to come back after 2 weeks. We didn't go for the follow up as we missed the appointment and felt that he was getting along fine.
So just last Saturday he began to feed poorly and refused to be put down even when he was asleep. Maybe it's his way of saying that his time is up soon and wanted to be close to us as much as possible. Of cos, naturally, we can't read those signs. So on Monday morning we went to NUH A & E as he was crying a lot for the past 2 nights. Unfortunately, the condition is back and his heart rate was 200 plus. Overall, my hubby and I were pleased with Dr Terence (the A & E doctor who is also a heart doctor) as he was very patience with my baby. He make sure Baby Mim is calm before he put on IV and such. He also let my hubby beside Baby Mim to calm him. I was outside far away cos I couldn't bear to hear him cry especially after the KK A & E episode. I couldn't do anything not even hold Mim to calm him as the doctor there are more interested to find out what's wrong with him. But I do understand that they are just doing their job.
Baby Mim was asked to be warded by Dr Terence. At 3 am, he was settled in his cot at the children's ward. By 4pm, he had another episode and Dr Terence urged us to put him into ICU so that much better care could be given. Since at ICU, baby Mim had about 7 episodes on Monday and about 5 episodes on Tuesday. With 2 IVs, one on the left hand, the other on right foot with a tube, I couldn't bear to see my baby in pain. I couldn't even carry him cos I'm afraid I might tangle the tubes and wires. Even then he's a strong boy. On Wednesday itself, I went to NUH Cardiac Clinic for my heart check first just to make sure the condition of my heart. This was done on the instructions of the doctor and I'm doing this for the sake of my son. Deep down, I somehow know that I have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best as few hours earlier at 1 am on Wednesday morning, I got to pray 'Thajud' in baby Mim's room. I asked from HIM, to show me what's the best way for my baby.
HE is definitely great. After I came to the hospital on Wednesday afternoon, although he seemed physically weak, he could afford to smile and respond when I read him his book. It was heart wrenching when I saw tears dwelling in his right eye and dropped down his right cheek when he saw me. Everyone that he was close to especially my dad, he just kept staring at our faces. Before I left him for go down to eat, I got to carry and cuddle him for a while. He slept when I left. Passed the EBM (expressed breast milk) and left with my mom. When we went up at 5 pm, we saw the doctor trying to resuscitate him. Only Allah knows how I felt at that point of time when I saw his heart rate at 29 beat only. I couldn't wait for a even a minute so I just dashed out and cried. Luckily I was stopped by Kak Mas (her son was there in bed 10). She told me to calm down and pray for my baby's recovery. Thanks to her if not I'm not sure where I would have gone to. After few minutes, hubby came and both of us went out of the area. We talked of the worst scenarios and we came to a decision.
By 6 pm, they told me his condition was critical and that they need to put other IV near his groin area. Before we could meet the doctor and ask more, they were already doing the procedure. My hubby and I began to think, what more is to come. True enough, after half hour, Dr Cindy came out and told us that Mim is on life support machine and need to go for surgery. A pacemaker (not sure if it's the correct spelling), is to be put under Mim's heart to be kept beating normal. Unfortunately, it still won't do anything to his dilated (swollen) heart. If surgery is done, baby Mim might need it for 2 or 3 yrs or even whole life. Side effects of infections is also there which might lead to future surgeries. The surgeon came later to explain fully that definitely no guarantee that surgery is gonna be a success. I told him, "I don't want him to live just because I want him to. I want him to live because it's meant to be from God. It might come to others that we are giving up but we decide that if he is meant to live, he can do without the surgery. It's not an easy decision but at this point it's all in God's hands." My hubby continues, "Right now, we need you to clear the area and let the family see him maybe for the last time."
They did and when I went in to see him, it was so heartbreaking but I tell myself I gotta to be strong. Checked his vital, he was cold and no vitals to be found. A doctor came in and told me, " Right now, your son is on 3 types of medication to maintain the heart rate. Unfortunately, it won't be able to last that long. So as and when you're comfortable, you can tell us to switch all off." My dad came in and prayed the necessary things. Half an hour later, we decide to switch the medicine off leaving only the life support machine. My hubby and I knew what we must do but held on due to my mum and his dad's account. Deep down inside, they hope Mim will make it. Hub and I talked again after the maghrib prayer and this time we are sure. I went to his dad and explained that I don't want Mim to suffer any longer. If he meant to live, he is meant to live. Explained the same thing to my family after that. At about 9, after my Ishak's prayer, we called doctor Terence. He told us, even if Mim lives, he might suffer a slight brain damage due to 1hr of not pumping of the heart (during the resuscitation). If he is on the machine, he will eventually go and without it, he would go faster as in naturally. We knew this was coming so I told him, we want him to cut of the machine and let us spend time with Mim.
They took out the oxygen tube and took all the vital sensors off, wrapped him up and hand Mim to me as I sat on the chair. After that, the rest of the family got to carry him. Lastly, still seated, they handed Mim to me as my hubby sat beside me. My hubby rubbed his head and said some prayers to him. We both kissed him. Then I told him, "Mim Firdauz, kalau Firdauz harus pergi, pergilah nak, ibu dan ayah redha. Kalau Firdauz dibenarkan dengan ibu dan ayah, ya Allah, kembalikanlah dengan sempurna." (If you have to go, mummy and daddy are willing to let go but if you can come back, God, please let him come back without any disabilities.) I continued singing his favourite song (made up by me), "Tidurlah, tidurlah, tidur anakku. Janganlah, janganlah, kau bimbang dan ragu. Ibu ada disini menemanimu." After two breaths and Mim left in peace in my arms with hubby's one arm around my shoulder and the other on his head.
Still holding him, someone called the doctor to check. Doctor took him, put him on the bed and certified him dead at 2304. After that, I wanted to change him to his clothes that was meant to be worn after he was supposedly discharged. When I was about to change the diaper, I saw big bruise at the upper leg near his groin. I couldn't stand it so asked the nurse to put on the diaper. After that I put on his dark blue onesie, cap, mitten. After stamping his feet, I slowly wiped them and put on the booties and wrapped him up. Wanted to carry him instead I kissed him and left him on the bed waiting for the casket to arrive. Then hubby and I went out to take a stroll. "Are we gonna be alright?" Hubby asked. I said yes, i think so. We sat outside the ward at one of the bench and just cuddled in each other's arms.
After the body was brought back in hubby's arm, we slept and waited till the morning when it's time for the ceremony. When I woke up, I thought I was having a bad dream. Reality striked when I saw my baby's covered body as I came out of my room. I broke down as I bathed afraid that if I'm not strong in front of my family then the rest especially my parents won't be. After the assigned person bathed my son and wrapped him(according to muslim way), he put Mim again with his face not covered. He was smiling, looked so peaceful and in my heart, he looks so beautiful with eyeliner under his eyes. His eyes are completely closed this time and I kissed him first. I tried to control but broke down. After everybody finished kissing him, I requested to be the last one to kiss him so I kissed him again much longer follow up by my hubby last. As he was wrapped up before the prayers, I couldn't control my tears. After the prayers, hubby carried Mim (covered) into the car. He passed to me and Mim once again in my arms for the last time till we reached the burial place. Once reached, my hubby took him into his arms and proceeded with the burial. After the burial is settled, hubby and I bade goodbye for the very last time to Mim, knowing he's in a better place with Allah.
Goodbye Mim Firdauz. We will always love you forever......
