Looking for new life

wl08ms

New Member
I never thought this day will come for me to post here.

Recently, i was served with writ of divorce from my wife. We have deep character and interest mismatch begining a few years ago. Communications and involvement between us have deteriorate deeply as time goes. Though there is no 3rd party involve, I offered to restart our relationship by initiating the move. She rejected. She has no intimate feeling for me anymore. There is no turning back between us. We will share the load equally to look after our kids in a seperate way.

I have been through a lot of hard time. This taught me that constant communication is the fundementle of good relationship. This is my advise to all couples here. I am ready to restart to look for my new life.
 

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Hi Stansy,
It all began when I quitted my job before getting a new job. I knew very well i shouldnt have done this. I endured until end of my contract to get bonus and quitted due to immense work pressure that i couldnt cope with. I sent out many resumes, attended Prof course and took up many part time jobs. After 3 months of jobless, I was desperate. I dont have the mood to talk to anyone. My wife was too busy in her work. It's good that she can cope better than me. She never ask how I was doing so far. Our comms were mainly about children or other neccesities rather than couple talk. When i took my professional certification exam, and failed for the 2nd time, my heart just sank to the lowest point in my life. I couldnt find a comfortable person to talk to. I almost gone into depression. I changed totally to a different person: low esteem, unfriendly, expressionless, and oftern lost confident. Things get slightly better when I found my new job shortly after 1 year. But those feelings have already left a very deep cut in my life.

My advise: No matter how well you do or achieved in your work or life, show some care to your spouse at home.
 
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Hi wl08ms

Sorry to hear ur story but the positive side of it tt u took the challenges to upgrade urself for the better. And congratulations back to the workforce.

I guess for any other couples topics are surrounding with kids seldom involve couple talks.

Personally I think it’s very important to share the feeling with your loved ones as part of developing the relationship but unfortunately most of us don’t. Henceforth, some resulted to infidelity; more so for male.

Is there any chance to salvage the marriage? Do both of you still love each other?

By the way, how old are both of you?
 
Hi wl08ms

Sorry to hear ur story but the positive side of it tt u took the challenges to upgrade urself for the better. And congratulations back to the workforce.

I guess for any other couples topics are surrounding with kids seldom involve couple talks.

Personally I think it’s very important to share the feeling with your loved ones as part of developing the relationship but unfortunately most of us don’t. Henceforth, some resulted to infidelity; more so for male.
As a responsible and caring parents, children is always our primary concern when comes to divorce. Fortunately, both of us are still committed to take equal share and load for our children.

It is true that many couples mainly talk about children, in-law, housing, money, etc ... If without caring or couple kind of talks, they are less likely to hold hands through to their silver age.

In my case, I initiated a reset of our relationship, knowing that it's useless to look back to the past issues and problems. Unfortunately, she has "no feeling" for me anymore. I cant believe this.
 
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As a responsible and caring parents, children is always our primary concern when comes to divorce. Fortunately, both of us are still committed to take equal share and load for our children after divorced.

It is quite true that most couples mainly talk about children, in-law, housing, money.... etc ... If without caring or couple kind of talks, they are less likely to hold hands through to their silver age. Hence, constant personal communications is the fundamentle to set the tone for all things to keep your relationship alive.

In my case, I initiated a reconcile to reset our relationship, knowing that it's useless to look back to the past issues and problems that we had. Unfortunately, she has "no feeling" for me anymore. I cant believe this. I have made up my mind to end this marriage.

Did she have someone else?
 
Sorry to hear about that but please take good care of yourself okay?

I just got divorced too.

Thanks. but sorry to hear about your case too. I am not looking back and are used to it now though still waiting for minor changes before I sign the writ letter that she served. I am also getting prepare for my future life.
 
Thanks. but sorry to hear about your case too. I am not looking back and are used to it now though still waiting for minor changes before I sign the writ letter that she served. I am also getting prepare for my future life.
Jia you
 
Thanks Stansy.
No matter how successful we are in our career, we still need to come back home everyday. This is where our children, spouse and our life belong to. If we are often drown at work in office and still got to work frequently while at home, how can we provide the energy, attention, care and the joy to our family? No doubt, we are working hard to bring home some comfort food on the table and to sustain the luxury in life, there are some price to pay. It's a balancing game.
 
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To me.. is not that simple just by having time.
Is also not simple by balancing life.

The effort must be from both parties..not just 1
Is not just about spending enough time..
The commitment must be there.
Anytime the commitment or believe is lost..whatever you have on free time or money..would not help.
A person changes thr time as we all know due to society ..due to temptations...etc
 
Thanks Stansy.

No matter how successful we are in our work life, we still need to come back home everyday. This is where our children, spouse and our life belong to. If we are often drown at work in office and still got to work frequently while at home, how can we provide the energy, attention, care and the joy to our family? No doubt, we are working hard to bring home some comfort food on the table and to sustain the luxury in life, there are some price to pay. It's a balancing game.

I know better what to do when I look for my new partner in future.
Jia you! wl08ms, you will be fine. Stays positive...
Feel free to PM me if u need listening ears. Jiayou!!!
 
Sadly, i beg to differ. I would think she didn't stand-by you during the difficult times.

Couples who called it quits during difficult times, have no foundation to begin with.

Thats why i say, a woman's love is tested when her partner have nothing, a man's loyalty is tested when he have everything.
 
After many years of being married i realised that having something common with your partner is very important. My spouse and i are like cat and dog. There is nothing common between us & we are the opposite of nature. We got married without getting to know each other first. However now we are living separately and he is living with my 2 sons. But he doesnt want to divorce . He has been keeping me hanging in the air .Not divorcing. But i still keep my hope that my Husband will realise that it takes two to clap.
 
I think is not just common activities but expectations of each other. As times goes by, certain things changes it can be a new added member to the family or change in jobs etc

Knowing to juggle and maintain would be tough and is not for short term..is a long term commitment.

I always give kudos to those old uncle and auntie that are still married and holding hands as they walked.

I was having this thought..is similar to your work..when u get older.. u need to upgrade in order to survive.. is same as a marriage..you need to make changes to survie too as times goes by....leaving it as it is the way it operates same as per on your 1st day you married after 10yrs.(maybe even 3yrs due to our crazy society)... you would be heading for disaster.. and worse..is a time XOMB.

Just my few cents to share.
 
After many years of being married i realised that having something common with your partner is very important. My spouse and i are like cat and dog. There is nothing common between us & we are the opposite of nature. We got married without getting to know each other first. However now we are living separately and he is living with my 2 sons.
U really hv to decide wt to stay at current state of seperation w yr husband or dirvorce him. If at current state, what impact or benefits to yr life in long term? If u want a divorce, it wil b a contested one since he doesnt want to. This make the process more complicated. In either cases, u shld also consider the impact n future of yr children. U need to hv the courage to talk to him. The longer u drag, the more diffcult it wil b for u in future.
 
I think is not just common activities but expectations of each other. As times goes by, certain things changes it can be a new added member to the family or change in jobs etc

Knowing to juggle and maintain would be tough and is not for short term..is a long term commitment.

I always give kudos to those old uncle and auntie that are still married and holding hands as they walked..
well said n i fully agree w all the points u mentioned.
Saying is always easier than done. We kno it takes 2 hands to clap. Both hands must know they cannot find a perfect spouse in this world to meet their expectations. Both must talk regularly to kno each other better. Both must gv n take to a certain degree. If 1 hand committed something abvious wrong, then this hand must admit n correct it

Man n woman hv different need. They must know this.
 
Men and women never know this..

Thats why published...Men are from Mars.. Women from Venus book.
Maybe the poly or University in future should have some teaching to prevent more "D"
 
As we grow older & progress naturally our expectations change too. It’s a different phase of life.
 
Sorry to hear about the divorces here.

here's my story.... just want to get them out since i have no one to talk to.

I have spent half my life with my husband and we have 2 kids and they are going into their teens soon. I have difficulty visioning myself growing old with my husband and divorce is always on my mind. don't get me wrong, he has been a responsible father and husband although I don't know what defines one. No straying, no gambling and he pays for what he has to for the family. however, it is his character and behavior that i'm tolerating. anyone who know him will definitely view him as a hot tempered, sensitive and petty person. he doesn't have close friends as he cut ties with people once he is upset by them be it himself being oversensitive or someone being not careful enough towards him. to me, those are really small matter but to him, it hurts his pride too badly so the anger is there.

our characters are totally opposite. i'm forgiving and he's not, I'm easy going but he's hard to get along. he needs to be the one making decision but he wants opinions. once he takes the opinions to make a decision and should it is not ideal, he will blame that person! I hate all these and he won't accept my views. he thinks i'm a unsupportive wife whom side others. He can never be questioned even for any slightest thing. he'll flare up and get pissed for a few days. i hate arguments so i always kept quiet. i do not want to show a bad side in front of my kids so i always gave in. probably i contributed to his pettiness to others and always think he is right.

living this way everyday, i become thoughtless and emotionless towards him. we don't talk about ourselves. it's all about kids, govt and policies etc. no friends, relatives, nothing. the relationship is so dry and i don't know if there's love. with his character, i know the divorce will be a sour one and it will be harmful to the kids. i keep telling myself to wait till my younger reaches 21 yrs old and i'll be free to do what i want. but i'm unsure if this is the right way to think. :(

doubt conselling helps as he has OCD and he thinks advices are all useless. i'm so lost..
 
Sorry to hear about the divorces here.

here's my story.... just want to get them out since i have no one to talk to.

I have spent half my life with my husband and we have 2 kids and they are going into their teens soon. I have difficulty visioning myself growing old with my husband and divorce is always on my mind. don't get me wrong, he has been a responsible father and husband although I don't know what defines one. No straying, no gambling and he pays for what he has to for the family. however, it is his character and behavior that i'm tolerating. anyone who know him will definitely view him as a hot tempered, sensitive and petty person. he doesn't have close friends as he cut ties with people once he is upset by them be it himself being oversensitive or someone being not careful enough towards him. to me, those are really small matter but to him, it hurts his pride too badly so the anger is there.

our characters are totally opposite. i'm forgiving and he's not, I'm easy going but he's hard to get along. he needs to be the one making decision but he wants opinions. once he takes the opinions to make a decision and should it is not ideal, he will blame that person! I hate all these and he won't accept my views. he thinks i'm a unsupportive wife whom side others. He can never be questioned even for any slightest thing. he'll flare up and get pissed for a few days. i hate arguments so i always kept quiet. i do not want to show a bad side in front of my kids so i always gave in. probably i contributed to his pettiness to others and always think he is right.

living this way everyday, i become thoughtless and emotionless towards him. we don't talk about ourselves. it's all about kids, govt and policies etc. no friends, relatives, nothing. the relationship is so dry and i don't know if there's love. with his character, i know the divorce will be a sour one and it will be harmful to the kids. i keep telling myself to wait till my younger reaches 21 yrs old and i'll be free to do what i want. but i'm unsure if this is the right way to think. :(

doubt conselling helps as he has OCD and he thinks advices are all useless. i'm so lost..

he is a male chauvinist pig. I think you need to tell him your feelings.
 
Sorry to hear about the divorces here.

here's my story.... just want to get them out since i have no one to talk to.

I have spent half my life with my husband and we have 2 kids and they are going into their teens soon. I have difficulty visioning myself growing old with my husband and divorce is always on my mind. don't get me wrong, he has been a responsible father and husband although I don't know what defines one. No straying, no gambling and he pays for what he has to for the family. however, it is his character and behavior that i'm tolerating. anyone who know him will definitely view him as a hot tempered, sensitive and petty person. he doesn't have close friends as he cut ties with people once he is upset by them be it himself being oversensitive or someone being not careful enough towards him. to me, those are really small matter but to him, it hurts his pride too badly so the anger is there.

our characters are totally opposite. i'm forgiving and he's not, I'm easy going but he's hard to get along. he needs to be the one making decision but he wants opinions. once he takes the opinions to make a decision and should it is not ideal, he will blame that person! I hate all these and he won't accept my views. he thinks i'm a unsupportive wife whom side others. He can never be questioned even for any slightest thing. he'll flare up and get pissed for a few days. i hate arguments so i always kept quiet. i do not want to show a bad side in front of my kids so i always gave in. probably i contributed to his pettiness to others and always think he is right.

living this way everyday, i become thoughtless and emotionless towards him. we don't talk about ourselves. it's all about kids, govt and policies etc. no friends, relatives, nothing. the relationship is so dry and i don't know if there's love. with his character, i know the divorce will be a sour one and it will be harmful to the kids. i keep telling myself to wait till my younger reaches 21 yrs old and i'll be free to do what i want. but i'm unsure if this is the right way to think. :(

doubt conselling helps as he has OCD and he thinks advices are all useless. i'm so lost..
Was he the same during your courtship days?
 
After living for half of your life together...do you think by divorcing would get what you wanted ?
I presume is to find someone and get old with ?
 
Sorry to hear about the divorces here.

here's my story.... just want to get them out since i have no one to talk to.

I have spent half my life with my husband and we have 2 kids and they are going into their teens soon. I have difficulty visioning myself growing old with my husband and divorce is always on my mind. don't get me wrong, he has been a responsible father and husband although I don't know what defines one. No straying, no gambling and he pays for what he has to for the family. however, it is his character and behavior that i'm tolerating. anyone who know him will definitely view him as a hot tempered, sensitive and petty person. he doesn't have close friends as he cut ties with people once he is upset by them be it himself being oversensitive or someone being not careful enough towards him. to me, those are really small matter but to him, it hurts his pride too badly so the anger is there.

our characters are totally opposite. i'm forgiving and he's not, I'm easy going but he's hard to get along. he needs to be the one making decision but he wants opinions. once he takes the opinions to make a decision and should it is not ideal, he will blame that person! I hate all these and he won't accept my views. he thinks i'm a unsupportive wife whom side others. He can never be questioned even for any slightest thing. he'll flare up and get pissed for a few days. i hate arguments so i always kept quiet. i do not want to show a bad side in front of my kids so i always gave in. probably i contributed to his pettiness to others and always think he is right.

living this way everyday, i become thoughtless and emotionless towards him. we don't talk about ourselves. it's all about kids, govt and policies etc. no friends, relatives, nothing. the relationship is so dry and i don't know if there's love. with his character, i know the divorce will be a sour one and it will be harmful to the kids. i keep telling myself to wait till my younger reaches 21 yrs old and i'll be free to do what i want. but i'm unsure if this is the right way to think. :(

doubt conselling helps as he has OCD and he thinks advices are all useless. i'm so lost..

Can understand how you feel. Probably there's a thread out there 'Not Divorcing but pretend to be in marriage'. Perhaps you can seek out this thread, and read out to know more.

Am in a similar situation as you. I think we continue this marriage mainly cause of kids. I don't know how long can I endure/go on. But well.. Can only hold on as much as I can...
 
he is a male chauvinist pig. I think you need to tell him your feelings.
Yes he is. the worry is tell him my feelings will end up starting a fight in which I do not wish to continue. Once he is in a bad mood, everyone in the family will suffer. My main concern is the kids. :(
 
After living for half of your life together...do you think by divorcing would get what you wanted ?
I presume is to find someone and get old with ?
hmm... all I know is I will be happier. But my kids are my priority and this is why I'm hanging on. I'm afraid he may turn aggressive towards all of us if I divorce him. I do not want a sour divorce. Not thinking about finding someone to grow old with. with my character, I think it's not difficult for me to find friends. my losing of friends now is all bcos of him. He never likes anyone, or probably like anyone for long.. so I had to avoid my old friends.
 
Can understand how you feel. Probably there's a thread out there 'Not Divorcing but pretend to be in marriage'. Perhaps you can seek out this thread, and read out to know more.

Am in a similar situation as you. I think we continue this marriage mainly cause of kids. I don't know how long can I endure/go on. But well.. Can only hold on as much as I can...
Hugs to you .
Thanks. I'll go to that thread. Without any friends, I have no one to pour out my sorrows...
Some people think hanging on a marriage for kids is bad but I thought it's the best thing we can do for our kids.
 
Hugs to you .
Thanks. I'll go to that thread. Without any friends, I have no one to pour out my sorrows...
Some people think hanging on a marriage for kids is bad but I thought it's the best thing we can do for our kids.
hugs too..
YOu can pm me if you want to chat :)
 
hmm... all I know is I will be happier. But my kids are my priority and this is why I'm hanging on. I'm afraid he may turn aggressive towards all of us if I divorce him. I do not want a sour divorce. Not thinking about finding someone to grow old with. with my character, I think it's not difficult for me to find friends. my losing of friends now is all bcos of him. He never likes anyone, or probably like anyone for long.. so I had to avoid my old friends.
Be it you stay it divorce him, your kids would still be affected rite? The qtn is which is less evil & beneficial to both your kids & yourself. The answer is pretty obvious here...
How long can u endure this and stays sane in this situation?
 
nowadays divorce is common.
however even after a divorce if the man still wan to be a responsible father he can visit the children anything.
if he doesn't wan to be a good father even staying together he will neglect the children.
in a divorce u are not taking a father away from your children but only removing him as your husband.
 
Be it you stay it divorce him, your kids would still be affected rite? The qtn is which is less evil & beneficial to both your kids & yourself. The answer is pretty obvious here...
How long can u endure this and stays sane in this situation?
I think enduring another few years won't be any problem since my focus are all on my kids. The older one will be in sec sch next yr so i guess i need to watch her even more closely. I guess as long as he doesn't flare or chut more pattern, i should be fine. only worry is when issues from kids, work and him all arise at the same time than more I'll go mad! :(
 
nowadays divorce is common.
however even after a divorce if the man still wan to be a responsible father he can visit the children anything.
if he doesn't wan to be a good father even staying together he will neglect the children.
in a divorce u are not taking a father away from your children but only removing him as your husband.
Agree. my kids have classmates from broken family too. But From what I observed, a lot of these kids have behaviour problems. I am very worried that if leave the marriage, my kids will become like that. I don't want to ruin their lives. that is why I kept telling myself to only walk out when the younger one reach 21. I know he will still care for the kids but with his character, i bet he will do things in a nasty way and ended up sandwiching the kids.

thanks for all the advices and discussion. It's a good platform to let out all the steam. I know I won't be making any move now but hearing all of what you guys are saying give me more visibility. Comparing him to a lot of husband, he is a responsible one. it's just me whom is walking towards giving up my patience and tolerance towards him. good lesson learned, will teach my kids to not choose someone like this. ha ha
 
Agree. my kids have classmates from broken family too. But From what I observed, a lot of these kids have behaviour problems. I am very worried that if leave the marriage, my kids will become like that. I don't want to ruin their lives. that is why I kept telling myself to only walk out when the younger one reach 21. I know he will still care for the kids but with his character, i bet he will do things in a nasty way and ended up sandwiching the kids.

thanks for all the advices and discussion. It's a good platform to let out all the steam. I know I won't be making any move now but hearing all of what you guys are saying give me more visibility. Comparing him to a lot of husband, he is a responsible one. it's just me whom is walking towards giving up my patience and tolerance towards him. good lesson learned, will teach my kids to not choose someone like this. ha ha

I disagree. It doesn’t mean if you are divorced = broken family. It doesn’t mean you are divorced = Kids have behavior problems.

It all depends on how a mother brings up the kid n the values system in place if they are under the mother care n control.
 
I disagree. It doesn’t mean if you are divorced = broken family. It doesn’t mean you are divorced = Kids have behavior problems.

It all depends on how a mother brings up the kid n the values system in place if they are under the mother care n control.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend anyone here.
 
Just to input my thoughts. My soon to be ex have a "complete" family in front of all the relatives and friends but there are something missing in the so call "complete" family. The father is always away from home & hardly sleep at home, where else, the mom is always the one looking forward for the father to be home. There is no love & concern from the father side which he had no way to learn from & now he does not know. He is living in a norm that it's ok for him not to be home ... no responsibility to the kids. He does not really know how to express his concern & care to the kids.

I believe that if a marriage had breakdown & both parents insist to stick together but no effort to try to rebuild the family, it's indirectly affected the kids. Single parents family need to put in even more effort to communicate with the kids & show a lot of attention to them so that they won't feel lost.
 
Dv= broken family= children w behavour disorder.

Properly term it should be regard: self-fulfilling prophecy

2 adults fighting in a marriage. The kids suffer becoz 1 parent fail to bail them out of the situation.

As said 'kids are innocent'. W this, u r responsible to provide them a nuturing environment, regardless of double parenting or single parenting.

Your reaction to your partner, e.g.. loving, emotionless, uncaring... is teaching them that it's normal when in their own marriage. Instead of teaching them to choose the right partner, all parent should teach their kids to b a good partner.

Do not allow stigma to confine you. Seek understanding w the children (old enough to comprehend) when you have thoughts of leaving the marriage. Let them know that not all marriages are like this. Let them understand what options u and them to improve everyone's situation.

Please, u suffer alone enough already. don't drag the kids in the ride w u. They are innocent.
 
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