SingaporeMotherhood | Parenting
July 2015
The Joys of Being an Older Parent
Local actress Carole Lin is having her first baby this August. She is 42 years old. The mum-to-be is in good company. She joins fellow Singaporean thespian Fann Wong (who gave birth to her first child at the age of 43 last year) and Hollywood celebs Kim Basinger, Celine Dion, and Mariah Carey in the “40, Fabulous, and Fertile” category. What can she look forward to?
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Much has been said in the media about how ‘difficult’ it is to be an ‘older’ parent, be it physically, mentally or emotionally. But is this really the case? We asked three mothers to share their thoughts with us on having a child at a later stage in life.
Helen Chia-Thomas, 45, a lawyer. She has one daughter, aged 6
The best thing about being an ‘older’ parent?
I am more patient and less selfish, having lived my life in the earlier years.
The worst thing?
I always wonder if I will live long enough to enjoy my daughter’s later years and be a grandmother.
What has being an older parent allowed you to do freely, that you may not have been able to as a younger one?
Love unconditionally with no hang ups. Give her all of me having established my career and am in management level now. Also, able to afford anything I choose to give to her.
What legacy or heirloom will you leave for your daughter?
The jewellery my mum has handed down to me from my grandmother, and our property.
Does being an older parent mean you have to plan more for your child’s future?
Not at all. I can afford any life she wants. There is less planning in terms of finance but I need to provide for care arrangements should I leave this world while she is still young.
Do you ever wish that you became a parent at a younger age?
I would not have done it any differently. I like me now as a mother. I am certain I would not be a better mum if I was younger as I would have been selfish about my time and in chasing my dreams may have not been so hands-on with her. I may also begrudge her having had to give up my life.
Has your kid ever commented that you’re older than her friends’ parents?
Not at all… I look all of 35!
Do you find the physical aspect of parenting overwhelming?
Not at all. Motherhood is what we make it out to be. I always wanted to enjoy every moment with my daughter and so far I have done very well.
It’s been said that older parents tend to be more ‘grateful’ because of the difficulties often involved in becoming parents at an older age. Do you agree?
Most definitely. Although I have been truly blessed in having her and no trouble at all.
In hindsight, do you think you made the right choice to have your child later in life?
Most definitely. I was never one who was hung up about age, like having the need to be married by a certain age and have children by another age. I lived life and it has proven to be perfect.
Wendi Chan, 41, a stay at home mum. She has two children aged two years, and two months
The best thing about being an ‘older’ parent?
More confidence. I was able to watch and learn from family and relatives who have had their own children. I have better time-management and multi-tasking skills. Also, I have better judgement, not going overboard to buy everything, but being able to be practical and buy only the necessary.
The worst thing?
Less energy and stamina at times. Lesser time in the long run to spend with children, as I might not be able to see our children grow up or marry and have their own children. Feeling bad that I’ll be one of the older parents when my children start school and maybe not being able to ‘connect’ with younger parents.
What has being an older parent allowed you to do freely, that you may not have been able to as a younger one?
The ability to afford a better quality of life for our children and to share with them our life experiences.
What legacy or heirloom will you leave for your children?
I have started saving for their education, and have purchased some investment properties.
Does being an older parent mean you have to plan more for your child’s future?
Not necessarily. I think once you become a parent you naturally think of the ‘what ifs’ and start to plan for the future, making sure that your children will be cared for and looked after should the unthinkable happen.
Do you ever wish that you became a parent at a younger age?
Yes, to a certain extent. I might be able to handle the sleepless nights better as I’d have more energy when younger. Also, when the kids are older, I’d be able to relate to them better.
Do you think you have missed out on anything becoming a parent at an ‘older’ age?
No. The only difference would be to be able to ‘enjoy life’ earlier once the children are old enough to take care of themselves.
Do you handle the stresses and the sacrifices better as an older parent?
Yes to the stress. I think all parents make sacrifices, whether big or small, for their children regardless of how old the parents are. I see my parents still making sacrifices for us (myself, my brother and my children – their grandchildren).
Do you find the physical aspect of parenting overwhelming?
Initially it was overwhelming as you don’t know what to expect. I think no matter how much you read up and get advice from friends, you still aren’t prepared for it. But it does get better, especially with a supportive husband and family and friends whom you can rely on for help and advice.
Have you had any difficulties relating to younger parents?
There are some, and I think the younger parents feel the same as well, in relating to older parents. I think at times it’s harder to find topics to talk about and the only topic we have in common is our children.
In hindsight, do you think you made the right choice to have kids later in life?
Yes. I think I wasn’t mentally ready to have children when I was younger. You also have to find the right person to have children with.
Melissa Valle, 40, is a full-time mum and part-time PR consultant. She has one child under one
The best thing about being an ‘older’ parent?
I think I just feel more ‘ready’. It’s different for everybody. I know many friends who had kids early and are now enjoying life now that the children are in their teens, but I personally feel I am in a better place now to be a mother. I’ve achieved my career goals and I’ve travelled a lot so I’m comfortable now just staying home and dedicating my time wholeheartedly to caring for my son. Being older also helps put things in perspective for me; my priorities are different and I don’t sweat the small stuff as much.
Anyway, it’s not simply that I chose to wait to have a kid so late in life. I only met my husband at 35 and did the long-distance thing for almost three years before I moved to the U.S. to get married, then had our baby a year after that! It wasn’t planned – one has to go with the flow!
The worst thing?
I don’t have as much energy as I used to I suppose and my body aches more!
What has being an older parent allowed you to do freely, that you may not have been able to as a younger one?
Given that we are both 40 and have worked for a bit, my husband and I are definitely in a better place financially to provide for our baby so thankfully we don’t worry too much about expenses. We are more mature and settled too; we are quite happy staying home and spending quality time together as a family instead of always wanting to go out and hang out with friends. It feels like a natural transition for us at this life stage.
What legacy or heirloom will you leave for your child?
Our house and also several bonds. I’m not too fussed about this; I worked for everything I have and I feel my son can too without depending too much on what we leave for him. I think if we provide him with an education (both formal through university and informal i.e. teaching him good values and such at home), that’s the most important thing we can give him, and he can go on and be successful in life. Material possessions aren’t key.
We have some family heirlooms that include furniture, guns (my husband is Texan) and a watch that was passed down from my husband’s dad to him which he hopes to give to our child one day.
Does becoming a parent at an older age means you have to plan more for your child’s future?
I don’t think having a child at 40 is any different than having one at 20. No one knows when anything can happen. We are lucky to be in good health. I would plan for his future regardless of the age I have a kid. We have created a will which ensures he is taken care of if anything should happen to us and that includes who will care for him if he is under 18 years.
Do you ever wish that you became a parent at a younger age?
Nope! I would not trade anything I had before to have had a kid earlier and frankly, I don’t think I would have made a good mother then. No regrets there. I’m perfectly happy with my life now.
Do you think you have missed out on anything by becoming a parent at an ‘older’ age?
My husband and I joke that we will be over 50 when our kid is in elementary school and we’d probably be as old as most of his classmates’ grandparents. But I feel both of us are pretty active and don’t look our age and our son won’t miss out on much because we would care for him exactly the same way we would have if we had him earlier. It might take a toll on us and we might feel more fatigue perhaps, but he wouldn’t know it.
If we were younger, I probably would be more open to having another baby so our son has a sibling. This is the only thing I’d say would have been different. But this is a personal choice; we are not limited by our age and nothing is preventing us from having another kid. Given the risks however, and how difficult my pregnancy was, it’s not something I’ll consider now.
Do you handle the stresses and the sacrifices as a parent better as an older parent?
I never knew how difficult it would be to have a kid – it’s not easy especially now (with him as a baby). Your life literally revolves around him. It’s not only tough on us as individuals, it can take a toll on your marriage. When you are sleep deprived caring for him when he’s sick or teething, it’s easy to be irritable or stressed and take it out on your partner, so it helps when you have a solid relationship and are more mature to deal with such things.
In my younger years I was definitely more stubborn, selfish, hot-tempered and less willing to compromise. With age, I’ve mellowed and that really helps. I also like the fact that I can be a stay-home mum and look after him in his early years without feeling resentful about giving up my job to do this.
Do you find the physical aspect of parenting overwhelming?
As I’m now living in the U.S. and caring for my son alone without the support of my family and friends, it is pretty taxing sometimes because I don’t have that network. If I was back home, it would be easy for me to arrange for play dates or have my folks look after him whenever I needed a break or if I wanted to go on a date night with my husband. At the moment, it’s difficult to find time for myself or for us as a couple as we are not around family and my son is too young for us to feel comfortable leaving him with a stranger. I just cope.
I think this is where being older and more mature helps because you’ve been through so many things in life, you know that when you have rough days, ‘this too shall pass’, and you carry on. I try to remember to appreciate and treasure this precious time with my son, knowing the day will come when he would rather hang out with his friends than his old mum and I’ll have plenty of time to do all the things I want to then.
It’s been said that older parents tend to be more ‘grateful’ because of the difficulties often involved in becoming parents at an older age. Do you agree?
I was grateful for sure when our healthy, happy baby arrived, but I would have felt the same if I had him at a younger age. As an expectant mother you always worry about your child’s welfare. I definitely was more aware of the risks and difficulties that came with having a kid at a more ‘advanced maternal age’ – you can’t avoid reading or hearing all about it – and maybe you could say one would worry more as an older parent. But honestly, if you want a child you would be grateful whether you are young or old(er). It is a true blessing.
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