SingaporeMotherhood | Parenting
April 2025
Are You Unintentionally Sabotaging your Child’s Mental Health?
In Singapore, some children as young as seven years old receive counselling to learn social skills and emotional regulation, as a means to better their mental health. Do children even have mental health issues at that age, you ask? Yes, says Andrea Chan, Deputy Director of TOUCH Counselling & Psychological Services. Mental health struggles can happen at any age, and the majority of child clients at TOUCH start having counselling at around nine years old, she adds. The top three mental health struggles that TOUCH has counselled children for are mood dysregulation, anxiety, and anger.
- Mood dysregulation: A 10-year-old girl with suicidal ideation, who self-diagnosed herself with depression after Googling the symptoms online.
- Anxiety: A 12-year-old girl whose parents reported her experiencing panic attacks and insomnia before her school exams.
- Anger: A nine-year-old boy who displayed severe aggression and threw a table at his classmate because of something his classmate said to him.
(See also: WHY YOU NEED TO HAVE MENTAL HEALTH CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR CHILDREN)
Starting Mental Health Conversations with your Child
Your child may not behave like these children. Sometimes though, your parental instincts get an alert and you just know that something is wrong. But when you ask them about it, they say that everything is “fine”. That feeling of helplessness? I’ve felt it too. The urge to keep asking them what’s wrong can be overwhelming. But pushing your child to talk may backfire on you and cause them to retreat even more into their shells.
Andrea, who is also a representative of BTL (Beyond The Label) — a nation-wide movement which focuses on addressing stigma towards and promoting social inclusion of persons with mental health conditions — suggests starting slow, and setting aside dedicated time for deeper conversations.
Ask open-ended questions, practise active listening, giving empathetic responses and making a genuine effort to understand your child’s perspective. Respond with empathy and gentleness. You can say: ‘Thank you for sharing this concern with me. It sounds like a difficult time for you. How would you like mummy/daddy to help you? Would you like to talk to someone about these big feelings together?’
Andrea shares more below.
Signs that a Child is having Mental Health Problems
“Some obvious signs include changes in behaviour. Look out for frequent outbursts of anger or irritability, increased aggression, and withdrawal from activities they used to enjoy. It’s crucial to observe the persistence and intensity of behaviours that are not of the child’s normal self.
Examples of these are changes in appetite or shifts in sleeping patterns, persistent sadness or crying, refusal to attend school or leave the house.
Signs that Your Child is Asking for Help
Pay close attention to indirect cues such as increased clinginess, heightened sensitivity to criticism, or venting their frustration through their actions or words. These behaviours often represent a child’s unspoken need for emotional support and help.
You can directly ask your child if they feel they need help. Having your child answer the question directly instead of skirting around the issue reduces perceived stigma and allows you to show your support for your child. This may encourage them to answer the question honestly.
Observe whether these negative behaviour patterns are disruptive to the child’s daily functioning. A consistent pattern of these signs usually warrants attention and potential professional evaluation.
Your Child says Everything is “Fine”. You know that it’s Not
Children need a safe space to feel comfortable opening up about their feelings. To encourage them to do so, you need to cultivate a safe environment and normalise conversations on mental health at home.
Set aside dedicated time with your child for deeper conversations by asking open-ended questions, practising active listening, giving empathetic responses and making a genuine effort to understand your child’s perspective.
Children should be assured that they are free to share without being reprimanded or judged, and that you will validate their feelings and not dismiss them.
(See also: SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER: NOT SHY, NOT AN INTROVERT, NOT RUDE, JUST OVERWHELMING FEAR IN SOCIAL SETTINGS)
If your Child Refuses to Talk…
Avoid scolding your child or expressing frustration. Instead, reassure your child that you are always available to listen. Give them the space and time to process their thoughts and figure out how they want to communicate their feelings.
How to Discover the Truth Behind the Smiles
It is important to have regular conversations with your children. Asking them about their pits and peaks of the day is an effective way to highlight daily experiences. You can also foster openness by sharing your own highs and lows, creating a safe and vulnerable space, and setting the tone for dialogue.
When you Ignore or Dismiss your Child’s Mental Health Issues
When parents dismiss their child’s mental health issues, they are indirectly perpetuating self-stigmatising behaviour and discouraging their child from seeking help. The child too then grows up with a stigmatised view towards mental health issues and seeking help.
Additionally, when parents dismiss the child’s mental health issues, the child is not able to receive the help they need. This may affect their academics, social well-being and engagement in other activities.
Stigma creates a significant barrier, discouraging individuals from seeking necessary mental health support from appropriate avenues or avoiding treatment to reduce any association with mental illness. both of which can reduce their quality of life.
In our ongoing efforts under the Beyond the Label Movement, which is co-led by TOUCH and NCSS, the key focus areas of our work are to raise awareness of stigma — both societal stigma and self-stigma, and encourage early help-seeking.
How You may be Unintentionally Sabotaging your Child’s Mental Health
Parents unintentionally sabotage their children’s mental health by making judgemental remarks or comments such as ‘They’re so weak that’s why they get depression’, or making exaggerated responses or reactions to others seeking help or expressing their vulnerability, such as ‘OH MY GOODNESS, is so and so ok? Never knew that it was so serious!’, which trivialises their experiences.
Another way we unintentionally sabotage our children’s mental health is when we don’t take care of our own mental health. Children learn by example and will likely mirror your self-care habits.
If your Child is going through Mental Health Struggles
Prioritise connecting with your child and reassuring them that you are there for them, and that they are not alone in their struggles.
Resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or unsolicited advice. Instead, use open-ended questions to encourage them to explore their feelings and continue the conversation.
If you suspect a serious mental health concern, gently suggest seeking professional support. Frame it as a proactive step towards gaining valuable tools and strategies to manage their emotions, rather than a sign of weakness. By doing so, you can create a psychologically safe space where your child can turn to you for support and reduce any stigma that comes with speaking up and seeking help.
(See also: DEPRESSION IN CHILDREN: SPOT THE SIGNS AND SEEK HELP NOW)
What else Parents Should Know
Children need to know that they are loved regardless of their mental health condition. While we do not enable unhealthy behaviours and habits, we must assure our children of our unwavering support and acceptance of who they are.
How Andrea Connects with Her Children
I have a five-year-old and an 11-year-old. We set aside time to connect through conversations and share our thoughts and feelings during dinner or before bedtime.
My husband and I also share our responses to potential situations and seek our children’s opinions on it. This helps us to empower them to develop decision-making skills and establish healthy boundaries early on.
Additionally, we spend a lot of family time doing fun activities like building LEGOs, swimming, taking walks in the park and cycling. This helps our children integrate relaxation as a natural part of their daily lives, which helps enhance their well-being.”
All images: Stock images by Depositphotos
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