Win Sole Custody as a male

[glidentoo]

I just completed my first part of divorce with my ex-wife. She wanted to divorce me using stupid "unreasonable behaviour". I was sad and confused then and wanted to just drop everything if not for my children. Finally, I got a PI to check out on her and realise that she was co-cohabiting with a man and his family, portraying herself as the victim. She insisted that she had not committed adultery and insisted to her family that I was the one at fault. She had always been home late citing going to "business" with Amway.

I was angry and sad, why did she do this to me. I was determined to get both my children back. We fought for a few months and finally to CFRC. On the first day of the CFRC, I realised she was heavily pregnant. At least 5 - 6 months. Which means the day she filed for divorce, she was already pregnant. Yet, on that day, she insisted that she wasn't pregnant. Everyone was astonished and shake our heads. She thought that the whole world is blind? Anyway, on that fateful day, she announced that the son I love dearly is not my son, but the son of her lover. Everyone heard that, the judge, my lawyer and her lawyer. Her lawyer is as equally shocked as the rest of the people. I forced her to ask her lover to go for a DNA with my son, she refused, claiming that he is the father and therefore he does not need to go for DNA. If I don't believe, I should go for DNA test with my son. I think hard and asked my lawyer for advice. My lawyer suggested for a court order to force them to go for DNA test. Which is then she said "I said my son is not your son, I never said it is his son." Which literal tells us she have three children from 3 different father, all in one marriage. Yet, from day 1, she claim victim and had been shamelessly lying on every affidavit she had sworn.

I fought with her over and over again. Finally, with the help of my lawyer, I managed to get sole custody of my daughter, but lost my son because we are not blood related. Is it a boon or a bane, nobody knows. Now she shamelessly hide all her asset and wants half of whatever I own. However, my lawyer wants to make sure that never happens.

Mummies here only cite how bad are males are, had you stop to think if there are female who do these and more viciously? Should I, after the whole divorce proceeding is over, sue her for perjury? It is already obvious that from page 1 of her affidavits, she has been lying. Even under mountains of evidences, she is still lying, just to discredit me and to make herself look like a victim. She even had the cheek to put down that she is a good mother and a good wife when she fails her duties as a mother and as a wife fully.

Please upload your views here or if you want to mail me privately, feel free to PM me or email me at [email protected]

 

[WonderNwonder]

Hi Gliden,
Sad to hear your story.
I am indeed very very surprise that she can be so bad and push the blame to you.
Anyway, i believe you have get what you want. Just let go, and continue your life.

 

[wendy_reborn]

hi glidentoo, i think it not the gender of the spouse but the upbringing and the character which is more important. U have my blessing, since she is so ruthless, teach her a lesson. U should not let her off so easily.

u have my support, Jia You

 

[glidentoo]

She is indeed ruthless, but the fact is I am on very good terms with her family members. Even during the period where she claimed is my fault, her family members cast doubt on her words. My ex-Mom in Law even told her I am a good husband. Everyday right after work, I will come home on time just to look after the children. I paid for everything for the family, what else can she ask for? However, she just said that I am so intolerable she cannot be married to me any more. Her second brother heard that and was very angry. He asked her point blank, what did I do that makes me intolerable? She was dumb folded and started to come out with lies like because I am useless, she has to work with Amway to supplement the income. I asked her, when did she ever paid anything to supplement the income? Again, she was dumb folded. She knows very well she literally never paid a single cent for the family. Even the car and petrol she used to ferry her "amway friends" and goods are mine. Her job is to spoil my car and ask me to refill the petrol or repair the car. I had even help her to send goods everywhere while I bring my daughter along with me when she disappeared into thin air somewhere.

 

[WonderNwonder]

Gilden,
I believe it is already an end to this relationship, since you have gone through divorce. Please don't think or bother about the past. Get on with your life happily with your gal.
The more you talk about the past, the more sad and unhappy you are. Why lead to such feeling for nothing? She has already left your life, so let it be.

 

[joshning]

sad to hear this.. but its time to move on with your daughter and teach her well.. Not to be like her mother..

 

[glidentoo]

For the sake of my daughter, I will survive well. However, I have to make sure she do not shrink from her responsibility as a mother and she do not get a single extra cent from me. In fact, I want to make sure she account for every single cent and to spilt her asset. That is to teach her an expensive lesson.

In her mind, she wants to be rewarded for committing adultery. In fact, her first words when she mentioned divorce was "I want a divorce, go and file it. I only want the children and the flat. You can have your freedom." I told her "Well, why not you take your freedom while I take the children and the flat. You are the one that wants a divorce, not me."

 

[jolenee]

Hi.. I am currently in the process of divorce(from legal aid) . Am I able to request sole custody? I told the officer that I request for sole custody but they keep telling me the same answer that the judge is most likely to give joint custody than sole. Mean that I can't even request sole custody on the first place but to listen to them to change to joint? I feel that the legal aid is not helping me at all but to ask me to change to what i dont agree.my husband didn't provide any maintenance since my daughter was born(currently 3yo) . My daughter do not know him at all. He agree to let me have sole custody but he Want to see her once a month and will not give any maintenance. I feel that this is no different from joint custody as he get to see her once a month but do not need to support her. I really need some advice pls.

 

[glidentoo]

Hi Jolenee, having sole custody does not mean he does not get to see his daughter. In my sole custody, she gets to have overnight with my daughter for 2 days. She also requested not to support her, but it does not work that way. I am still applying to court for her to pay her fair share of maintenance.

Sole custody means you get to make all major decisions for your daughter. Joint custody means you will need to seek his consensus for any major decisions, including travelling overseas (even if he don't consent, you can still go ahead with court's approval. The court will not disagree with reasonable demands, such as choosing a school near you, choose a public hospital over a private one, let the kid chooses her own religion or a short trip overseas)The court normally gives joint custody and care and control to one parent. My case is an extreme. Three children of three different fathers in one marriage has proven that she did not take the children's welfare into consideration and at the same time also prove that she had not took care of the children before (How on Earth will she have time to take care of the children when she is always out making babies with other men?). Now my worries is on my non biological son. He is a good kid that sticks to me like superglue. Now, I think he would had forgotten about me.

The main consideration here is do you mind your husband chip in his views while making major decisions like religion, health care and education? Is he even INTERESTED in his child's progress? Are you bringing your child overseas often? If you do not bring the child overseas often and it does not matter whether he chip in his views in major decisions, then Joint custody with care and control will suit you. The only chip he has to force you is the word "Sole custody", which normally bare no difference unless it is absolutely critical to you. Once you agree with no maintenance, he will get a consent order and you would not be able to get any maintenance from him.

If I were you and if I am a woman, I will take joint custody with full care and control and still force him to pay full maintenance with full alimony.

 

[thelittleonesinmylife]

Glidentoo, pat on your back! Not all men are bad, and similarly, not all women are victim.
I hope you are learning to move on and start a new life with your girl.
She needs you to be strong and be the best daddy ever, so that she will learn the right things and now grow up in her mother's shadow.

 

[jolenee]

So sole and joint custody, he also get to see the daughter?he don't wish to give any maintenance at all, he claim that he no job no money unable to give maintenance. U mean he can bring her back to stay? can I request that he can't bring her back overnight? He do not have his own house or fix place to stay. I am so worried . My daughter don't even know him at all so mean If she cry n not willing to go with him and still have to go with him?

 

[thelittleonesinmylife]

So sole and joint custody, he also get to see the daughter?he don't wish to give any maintenance at all, he claim that he no job no money unable to give maintenance. U mean he can bring her back to stay? can I request that he can't bring her back overnight? He do not have his own house or fix place to stay. I am so worried . My daughter don't even know him at all so mean If she cry n not willing to go with him and still have to go with him?

Actually, if he doesn't asks for visitation or overnight stays, there's no need to let him have it.
If he asks for it, you must be able to substantiate why you do not agree with it. Especially if he has not helped with physically caring for her, you can bring it up as reason that he cannot cope being alone with her.

 

[jolenee]

Of course I won't wan him to visit or bring her back.. but the officer from legal aid don't seem to be helping me. I wondering is it private lawyer is better than legal aid as I only talk to the officer only. I feel so insecure and lost.. don't know what to do.. very worried

 

[thelittleonesinmylife]

Of course I won't wan him to visit or bring her back.. but the officer from legal aid don't seem to be helping me. I wondering is it private lawyer is better than legal aid as I only talk to the officer only. I feel so insecure and lost.. don't know what to do.. very worried

Definitely lawyer will look after your interest if you are a paying client.
Someone I know (guy) went to legal aid and almost lost everything because the lawyer wasn't bothered to do anything for him. He changed lawyer and though didn't get as much as he wanted, he managed to get more than what the previous legal aid lawyer could get him.

 

[glidentoo]

Hi Jolene, let me reiterate, sole custody does not mean the other parent is totally cut off from the child. The court does not work this way. In fact, if you insisted on cutting the other parent off from the child, the court will look at you under an unfavourable light. To the court, it is simple, it is not you or your husband, it is the interest of the child they are more interested in. You want your husband not to see your child, the legal officer will not take it as it's your husband's fault, but you are being unreasonable.

I would not say the legal aid lawyer being useless, it all depend on luck and the strength of your case. If you are lucky, you get a legal aid lawyer that is very helpful and interested in your case, chances are he will try his best to help you. Likewise, if you get a lawyer who are not interested in your case, chances are he will not be interested, even if you pay him.

If he has no place to stay, the court will normally not give him any overnight access. If he, however, managed to stay with his parents or find a place to stay, he would be able to apply to the court for overnight access.

It is also not his wish that counts for the maintenance part. The court will look at what is his job BEFORE he was divorced, and what is the general living standard of the child. If the child's living standard is $1000, and you earn about 40% of what your husband earned before divorce, than the court will probably ask him to pay $600. Remember, whether you have money or not is not the court's problem, its your problem. It is also the court's view that both parents are supposed to be in charge of the child's well being and hence it would not be fair to give the child to one parent, cut off access to the other parent and force the other parent to pay maintenance.

What did you husband did to warrant a divorce and the punishment of being disallowed to see his daughter? The only thing that would prompt the court to disallow normal access and to order supervised access is when you can prove that your husband had abused or torture the child. If you husband never did that, your case cannot be more complex than mine and hence, even I have to give my ex-wife 2 days with my daughter, what do you think? It is also not my wishes to send my daughter to a place where there are other 6 adults who had absolutely no relation with my daughter. However, I would say the court is right to say the child still needs her mother, even though she committed multiple adulteries, she had three children from three different father, she acts like public gym's bicycle where everyone who hops on gets a free ride.

 

[vivienwsw]

Hi Jolene

My divorce will finalised this month. For my case, we both agreed on the divorce as our marriage break down 3 years back but I still insist on having 2nd child so that my elder boy is not lonely. I have a feeling that I will die young, at least they have each other.

Due to my pay, I was not qualified for LAB service, so I told my husband to apply and charge me with unreasonable behaviour instead. He does not support us as both kids are all on me. The most is providing me with free lodging as we lives with his family. He gave me full custody and he does not have any access to our boys, but I have never stop him from contacting the kids. Cos deep down inside, he knows he is not qualified to request for anything.

In Singapore, maintenance is compulsory, so please exercise your rights. Have you seek AWWA's help? If you have financial difficulties and your pay is not high, do seek counselling's help from FSC, MP, CDC, NVPC, Beyond, HELP, REACH, Lien Foundation and perhaps, Methodist Welfare Services. They will be able to link you up to suitable agencies for assistance.

I was very mad with his selfish, violence and irresponsible attitude but still, he is the father to my kids. I do not want our broken marriage to affect our kids therefore, I have never spoken ill of him infront of my kids. I did told my elder boy (7 yrs old) why we have to move out. I do encourage them to meet up and he now calls my boy every night, as compared to previously, only seeing him once every 6 months?? In the eyes of the court (and your child especially), he still needs both parents. When my boys grow, he will be able to see for himself.

Also, when both of you do meet up, try to take photo as a family. Like my boy, for his composition, teacher will still comment on the part "Do elaborate on your dad and grandparents." I am sure you do not want your child to grow up feeling he is different than other kids. Try to give him a normal life as possible. The problem lies in your marriage, not the kids, so give them what they are entitled.

Try speaking with your FSC social worker on your girl's not wanting to see his dad. See what they says. Talk to your lawyer/ get other lawyer's advice at LAB too. Has he ever lay his hands on you/ your girl? If he does, and police report/ medical report has been taken, this will be your evidence. You may want to consider joining single parents support from HELP. FSC has contact of other support group too.

Gliden - It is not easy to go thru what you have gone thru, but since it's over, do forgive her, forgive yourself and move on. Until the day you can forgive her, you will continue hurting yourself. Don't worry of your son. Your relationship with him is good, and I believe it will remain so even if you do not get to see him. He will never forget the type of father he has.

Hope this helps.

 

[glidentoo]

Hi vivienwsw,

My son is only 1.8 years old now. he would had probably forgotten about me. I will never forgive her for snatching my son away. Her adulteries, I don't care, she can be a public toilet, not my problem. But for my kids, I am going to make life hell for her until the day she releases my kids.

 

[vivienwsw]

Hi Gliden

May you win the custody! FIGHTING!!!!

 

[Lost28]

Hi Gliden, I'm new to here. I'm a guy, I have read about your case. I'm in dilemia and lost as my wife initiated a divorce, reason is unreasonable behaviour from me. I'm having the same problems like you but maybe not as complicated as your case. I have sent you an email yesterday, can you give me the contact of a good lawyer?