natashawan
Member
A vaginismus success story (Please not that this story is not mine, just wanted to share):
I came across this website - and this forum - in May 2007, two months before getting married. My nickname back then was "M.", since then I forgot the password... I already knew very well at that point that there was a problem with my body, as my future husband and I had tried to have sex before, and it simply didn't work...
He (not a virgin himself) figured out first that for some reason my body rejected anything that would come near the vaginal opening, and that the way to approach it would be to try to desensitize me. I remember how in the summertime of 2006 we spent half of one Sunday just trying to insert his finger into my vagina. He had trimmed his fingernails, we had lots of KY jelly on hand, after hours he was able to insert half of his finger. I was growing very worried.
I want to make it clear that I had never been abused as a child or anytime later. I had no idea why my body would shut down like that.
I remember that I never could insert a tampon. When I was a teenager I would put a big mirror on the bathroom floor and I still could not figure out where the tampon was supposed to belong. I didn’t see – or feel - anywhere it could possibly fit.
And here I was, 10 years later, as clueless as I was that day.
I said to my fiancee that I was sure things would work themselves out. Being realistic as he always is, he told me they might, but they also may not. He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me no matter what. And if we could never have sex, so be it.
A year later, in July 2007, he kept his promise. We had a beautiful, joyful wedding. I am a Catholic, my husband is of no religion. When we were standing at the altar that day only my parents knew... And us. I was vowing to my handsome husband, thinking that only God and us know the kindness of his heart, and the enormous love he has for me.
We were spared the disappointment of the wedding night, or the honeymoon. We knew what not to expect.
I was very relieved to come across this website, it was like a big hug in the lonely world of being a married virgin. I was able to give my condition a name:va-gi-nis-mus, va-gi-nis-mus... I read the stories for hours, identified with every single one of them, and cried. A catharsis. I can't express how much it meant to me to understand the mechanisms of what was happening with my body.
Then I ordered the dilator kit from this website. I hated it. The dilators were hard and cold. The books, however, I liked from the start. Following their advice, I looked at my vagina up close. I even got a small torch to get a good view. That worked for me, with time I managed to combat my seemingly irrational fears.
Trying to insert a dilator while looking at my vagina, however, would prove to be a bad idea for me. I kept seeing that blob so often described here, and I couldn't work past it. I saw something, but not really an opening. Because of that I was unable to put anything inside, I was subconsciously afraid it had no business going in there. Be it the smallest dilator, a finger, or a q-tip.
My husband tried to insert the smallest dilator for me, but the result was similar to inserting the finger all that time before.
Speaking of my husband, he never, ever, not even once said anything mean to me with regards to vaginismus. He always reassured me how much he loved me. Sometimes I cried and he would rock me in his arms like a baby. You see, I was the only one that had a problem with our marriage being unconsummated. My husband always said that he won't allow cultural beliefs dictate if his marriage is consummated or not. To him it was as consummated and perfect as could be. I myself to this day think I married an angel.
Time went by. In summer 2008 my mom (as I said earlier , she knew all along, we have a very good relationship) went to a new OB/GYN. She called me later, all shaking, and said they talked and she had told him about my condition. She thought it would be a good idea for me to get checked up, and wanted to prepare the grounds for me. And so I went there with her. The doctor was wonderful, very patient. He attempted to give me a physical exam and knew right away it would not be possible. He inserted one finger, it was very uncomfortable but not unbearable. Then he tried to use transvaginal ultrasound, but that was too much for me to handle. I remember very vividly lying there, pulling up my skirt and biting down on it, trying not to scream... We had to stop. The exam gave me something very valuable, however. The doctor showed me on the screen my vagina! I did have one! He also said it was actually a wide one, too. He encouraged me to work with the dilators. He also told me that whatever happened there was still an option for me to have an artificial insemination: if he was able to insert his finger, he said, there was enough space to insert the syringe.
Finally, he showed me my uterus. I left his office a new woman.
I still didn't take to the hard dilators, however. Another year went by. In fall of 2009 I was 27 years old and married for two years. I started longing - and longing is a good word - for a child. Contrary to any reason, I started taking folic acid.
At the same time I came across information of a doctor doing botox injections to treat vaginismus (I did not decide on it in the end). I watched the video:
youtube.com/watch?v=llLplZWGCzQ
Then I watched a video of a woman who had vaginismus and went through the treatment:
youtube.com/user/BraveWomenSpeak#p/u/4/lTb2OeVGm1A
Let me tell you this: I was watching this lady and tears were streaming down my face. I had read women's stories before, but I was never able to put a face to a story, hear a voice actually telling it. Till that day I was the only vaginismus face and voice I knew. It was a very emotional afternoon for me.
I also watched a video (to which I cannot find a link) with the doctor talking to this lady after the procedure. What struck me was that he said the women he operated on would wake up after the procedure with the dilator inserted, and that they would be able to then actually take it out and insert it back - and all that way BEFORE the botox kicked in.
I figured: if only I can trick my brain into thinking that I had the botox injection, I have to be able to do the same. I found on his website information about different dilators, the ones he uses, and decided to give them a try:
pureromance.com/PublicStore/catalog/productinfo.aspx?id=290&cid=1&AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1#
These are the ones. I sincerely hope this vaginismus community won't mind me recommending dilators other than their own. I tried the ones I got off this website and they didn't work for me. I believe that in the end it shouldn't matter which route we take, as long as we can overcome.
As soon as I got this set of dilators I started being very hopeful. There were 6 dilators, not 4, which meant I could graduate more slowly. The smallest dilator was way smaller than the smallest one in the first dilator kit I bought. It looked less inhibiting. The other important aspect was that these dilators were actually flexible, which helped me mentally a lot: I was not as afraid I would hurt myself. They warmed faster and felt more comfortable in my hand.
On November 1st 2009, in the evening, I asked my husband to insert the smallest dilator. Gently, he did. It hurt. I asked him to leave it there nonetheless. He was next to me, holding my hand. My vagina was burning, my legs were shaking, I asked him to bring me cushions from the living room to prop the legs on them.
And then it happened - while my husband was collecting all our cushions in the apartment, the pain went away! Just like that, all of a sudden I didn't feel anything! That was the best feeling. I knew I was onto something. I inserted the dilator all the way in, put on my underwear and walked around the apartment. I couldn't believe I had something inside me, and it didn't hurt. I was also scared that if I pulled it out I wouldn't be able to put it back in. I was so scared that I would lose this achievement that when I had to pee, I got in the shower and peed in there, dilator still inside, and showered.
When I was showering, the dilator did come out. I was able to put it back in, but with lots of pain, and I took it out. I felt defeated.
Next day, however, I lay on the bed and inserted the smallest dilator all by myself. I didn't look. I felt around. It hurt again, but I decided to give the burning sensation a chance to wear off. Like that first time. And it did.
After 4 days I was on dilator number 3. I learned the way to work with my body. I would put the tip of the smallest dilator in - and wait. After the initial pain subsided, I would insert the dilator all the way in. And then I would wait with it inside, making sure I had my favorite movie or a book within reach - something else to focus on. Usually after an hour I would stop feeling the dilator inside, and I would feel my vagina moistening, accomodating. Lying on the couch with my legs bent, I would then twist the dilator clockwise, and then counterclockwise. Next, I would take it out a little, and put it back in, gradually more and more, and finally I would take the whole dilator out and insert it back in. Then I would twist it all the way to the left, and then all the way to the right, to desensitize the vaginal opening and prepare it for insertion of a bigger dilator.
And that's how I would move on to bigger ones. When I reached the 3rd one I would put my underwear and clothes on and walk around with it - believe it or not, I would actually slowly walk to the store with it in! It wasn't exactly comfortable, but it wasn't painful for sure, the dilators were flexible and would adjust to my body. My goal was to make my vagina as indifferent to the sensation as possible. I would have the dilators in continuously for several hours, with toilet breaks only - thankfully, no need to pee in the shower anymore, as at that point I had no problem reinserting the dilators.
After some time I decided it was time for number 4 (out of the 6, just to remind you I was using a different kit). It was substantially bigger. After working with the previous dilators, I inserted it slowly with one leg on the toilet seat, like I would a tampon. It was burning. I learned to use vaginismus as my ally though - when I recognized the pain I knew I was inserting the dilator the right way. It was all familiar.
I moved to the couch, and lay there, intent on waiting as long as I had to. It took longer, but the pain did go away. Walking with this one in was quite out of the question. I would just put it in in the evening, when my husband and I would be watching TV, and just sit with it.
By the end of November I inserted number 5 - the last one for me, as I decided I would not need to work with number 6. It was the toughest. It was nighttime, my husband was sleeping, and I decided that after the whole day working with the dilators the time had come for this last one. I inserted the tip of it with one leg on the toilet seat, like before. The pain was excruciating. I fell onto the bathroom floor, stubborn, intent I would not take it out. I waited a while and started inserting it further, all the time on the floor. I managed to insert the whole dilator, ignoring the pain. All bent up, lying on the floor, I waited with it inside what was probably half an hour. Still in pain, I took it out. Pain was gone immediately, vaginismus had tricked me again.
The next day I did the same, this time next to the bed to have a better spot to wait for the pain to go away. When I inserted the dilator, the pain was just as bad as the day before, but I was very intent on not letting vaginismus win this time. I knew that once I pulled it out, the pain would go away, so there's nothing that's really harming my body. I waited. And waited. And eventually it did go away.
I kept working with the dilators and my body needed smaller and smaller amounts of time to adjust to the dilator inside. The smaller ones didn't require any wait time at that point.
In the end of November my husband and I had intercourse for the first time. Using the same logic, I knew the pain, the burning sensation would be gone after a few minutes. So we waited. And just like that, the pain did go away. My husband was inside of me and I did not feel any pain. I can't describe my joy and relief.
All the pieces in my life fell into place.
In the end of January we decided to try for a baby - and I got pregnant the first month. We are now expecting a baby boy.
When I got pregnant we chose an OB/GYN and described our situation to her. She was very understanding, did a quick pap smear, it was uncomfortable but surprisingly for me it honestly didn't hurt. She let me insert the transvaginal myself, and that proved to be even easier, just like inserting one of the smaller dilators. With the difference that now I could see the reward of all that - on the screen there was our baby.
I also went to the OB/GYN that I had visited with my mom once. He did a transvaginal and told me that if he hand't met me before he would never have guessed I had vaginismus.
Finally, I also saw a yet another OB/GYN and he did a full physical exam on me - and that did not hurt either.
So here is my story... Sometimes I look in the mirror at my growing belly, fold and unfold my son's little clothes, and I still can't believe it all really happened. I remember hearing about people having sex and feeling like a failure. I remember shopping for clothes for my friends' new babies, and feeling the biggest pain in my heart. I remember once buying a few baby clothes myself, showing them only to my husband, and hiding them in the closet. I remember the Mother Days in church, when I had to run out as soon as there came the time after the mass for the blessings. I remember all that, and more.
And here I am writing this for all of you out there, feeling my son's little kicks, and knowing that everything is possible. To those of you that are still struggling I wish lots of strength and endurance. If I could be of any help to you, please do not hesitate to write me. There are no bad or embarassing questions.
There's nothing you feel that I didn't feel.
With big, big hugs - M.
I came across this website - and this forum - in May 2007, two months before getting married. My nickname back then was "M.", since then I forgot the password... I already knew very well at that point that there was a problem with my body, as my future husband and I had tried to have sex before, and it simply didn't work...
He (not a virgin himself) figured out first that for some reason my body rejected anything that would come near the vaginal opening, and that the way to approach it would be to try to desensitize me. I remember how in the summertime of 2006 we spent half of one Sunday just trying to insert his finger into my vagina. He had trimmed his fingernails, we had lots of KY jelly on hand, after hours he was able to insert half of his finger. I was growing very worried.
I want to make it clear that I had never been abused as a child or anytime later. I had no idea why my body would shut down like that.
I remember that I never could insert a tampon. When I was a teenager I would put a big mirror on the bathroom floor and I still could not figure out where the tampon was supposed to belong. I didn’t see – or feel - anywhere it could possibly fit.
And here I was, 10 years later, as clueless as I was that day.
I said to my fiancee that I was sure things would work themselves out. Being realistic as he always is, he told me they might, but they also may not. He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me no matter what. And if we could never have sex, so be it.
A year later, in July 2007, he kept his promise. We had a beautiful, joyful wedding. I am a Catholic, my husband is of no religion. When we were standing at the altar that day only my parents knew... And us. I was vowing to my handsome husband, thinking that only God and us know the kindness of his heart, and the enormous love he has for me.
We were spared the disappointment of the wedding night, or the honeymoon. We knew what not to expect.
I was very relieved to come across this website, it was like a big hug in the lonely world of being a married virgin. I was able to give my condition a name:va-gi-nis-mus, va-gi-nis-mus... I read the stories for hours, identified with every single one of them, and cried. A catharsis. I can't express how much it meant to me to understand the mechanisms of what was happening with my body.
Then I ordered the dilator kit from this website. I hated it. The dilators were hard and cold. The books, however, I liked from the start. Following their advice, I looked at my vagina up close. I even got a small torch to get a good view. That worked for me, with time I managed to combat my seemingly irrational fears.
Trying to insert a dilator while looking at my vagina, however, would prove to be a bad idea for me. I kept seeing that blob so often described here, and I couldn't work past it. I saw something, but not really an opening. Because of that I was unable to put anything inside, I was subconsciously afraid it had no business going in there. Be it the smallest dilator, a finger, or a q-tip.
My husband tried to insert the smallest dilator for me, but the result was similar to inserting the finger all that time before.
Speaking of my husband, he never, ever, not even once said anything mean to me with regards to vaginismus. He always reassured me how much he loved me. Sometimes I cried and he would rock me in his arms like a baby. You see, I was the only one that had a problem with our marriage being unconsummated. My husband always said that he won't allow cultural beliefs dictate if his marriage is consummated or not. To him it was as consummated and perfect as could be. I myself to this day think I married an angel.
Time went by. In summer 2008 my mom (as I said earlier , she knew all along, we have a very good relationship) went to a new OB/GYN. She called me later, all shaking, and said they talked and she had told him about my condition. She thought it would be a good idea for me to get checked up, and wanted to prepare the grounds for me. And so I went there with her. The doctor was wonderful, very patient. He attempted to give me a physical exam and knew right away it would not be possible. He inserted one finger, it was very uncomfortable but not unbearable. Then he tried to use transvaginal ultrasound, but that was too much for me to handle. I remember very vividly lying there, pulling up my skirt and biting down on it, trying not to scream... We had to stop. The exam gave me something very valuable, however. The doctor showed me on the screen my vagina! I did have one! He also said it was actually a wide one, too. He encouraged me to work with the dilators. He also told me that whatever happened there was still an option for me to have an artificial insemination: if he was able to insert his finger, he said, there was enough space to insert the syringe.
Finally, he showed me my uterus. I left his office a new woman.
I still didn't take to the hard dilators, however. Another year went by. In fall of 2009 I was 27 years old and married for two years. I started longing - and longing is a good word - for a child. Contrary to any reason, I started taking folic acid.
At the same time I came across information of a doctor doing botox injections to treat vaginismus (I did not decide on it in the end). I watched the video:
youtube.com/watch?v=llLplZWGCzQ
Then I watched a video of a woman who had vaginismus and went through the treatment:
youtube.com/user/BraveWomenSpeak#p/u/4/lTb2OeVGm1A
Let me tell you this: I was watching this lady and tears were streaming down my face. I had read women's stories before, but I was never able to put a face to a story, hear a voice actually telling it. Till that day I was the only vaginismus face and voice I knew. It was a very emotional afternoon for me.
I also watched a video (to which I cannot find a link) with the doctor talking to this lady after the procedure. What struck me was that he said the women he operated on would wake up after the procedure with the dilator inserted, and that they would be able to then actually take it out and insert it back - and all that way BEFORE the botox kicked in.
I figured: if only I can trick my brain into thinking that I had the botox injection, I have to be able to do the same. I found on his website information about different dilators, the ones he uses, and decided to give them a try:
pureromance.com/PublicStore/catalog/productinfo.aspx?id=290&cid=1&AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1#
These are the ones. I sincerely hope this vaginismus community won't mind me recommending dilators other than their own. I tried the ones I got off this website and they didn't work for me. I believe that in the end it shouldn't matter which route we take, as long as we can overcome.
As soon as I got this set of dilators I started being very hopeful. There were 6 dilators, not 4, which meant I could graduate more slowly. The smallest dilator was way smaller than the smallest one in the first dilator kit I bought. It looked less inhibiting. The other important aspect was that these dilators were actually flexible, which helped me mentally a lot: I was not as afraid I would hurt myself. They warmed faster and felt more comfortable in my hand.
On November 1st 2009, in the evening, I asked my husband to insert the smallest dilator. Gently, he did. It hurt. I asked him to leave it there nonetheless. He was next to me, holding my hand. My vagina was burning, my legs were shaking, I asked him to bring me cushions from the living room to prop the legs on them.
And then it happened - while my husband was collecting all our cushions in the apartment, the pain went away! Just like that, all of a sudden I didn't feel anything! That was the best feeling. I knew I was onto something. I inserted the dilator all the way in, put on my underwear and walked around the apartment. I couldn't believe I had something inside me, and it didn't hurt. I was also scared that if I pulled it out I wouldn't be able to put it back in. I was so scared that I would lose this achievement that when I had to pee, I got in the shower and peed in there, dilator still inside, and showered.
When I was showering, the dilator did come out. I was able to put it back in, but with lots of pain, and I took it out. I felt defeated.
Next day, however, I lay on the bed and inserted the smallest dilator all by myself. I didn't look. I felt around. It hurt again, but I decided to give the burning sensation a chance to wear off. Like that first time. And it did.
After 4 days I was on dilator number 3. I learned the way to work with my body. I would put the tip of the smallest dilator in - and wait. After the initial pain subsided, I would insert the dilator all the way in. And then I would wait with it inside, making sure I had my favorite movie or a book within reach - something else to focus on. Usually after an hour I would stop feeling the dilator inside, and I would feel my vagina moistening, accomodating. Lying on the couch with my legs bent, I would then twist the dilator clockwise, and then counterclockwise. Next, I would take it out a little, and put it back in, gradually more and more, and finally I would take the whole dilator out and insert it back in. Then I would twist it all the way to the left, and then all the way to the right, to desensitize the vaginal opening and prepare it for insertion of a bigger dilator.
And that's how I would move on to bigger ones. When I reached the 3rd one I would put my underwear and clothes on and walk around with it - believe it or not, I would actually slowly walk to the store with it in! It wasn't exactly comfortable, but it wasn't painful for sure, the dilators were flexible and would adjust to my body. My goal was to make my vagina as indifferent to the sensation as possible. I would have the dilators in continuously for several hours, with toilet breaks only - thankfully, no need to pee in the shower anymore, as at that point I had no problem reinserting the dilators.
After some time I decided it was time for number 4 (out of the 6, just to remind you I was using a different kit). It was substantially bigger. After working with the previous dilators, I inserted it slowly with one leg on the toilet seat, like I would a tampon. It was burning. I learned to use vaginismus as my ally though - when I recognized the pain I knew I was inserting the dilator the right way. It was all familiar.
I moved to the couch, and lay there, intent on waiting as long as I had to. It took longer, but the pain did go away. Walking with this one in was quite out of the question. I would just put it in in the evening, when my husband and I would be watching TV, and just sit with it.
By the end of November I inserted number 5 - the last one for me, as I decided I would not need to work with number 6. It was the toughest. It was nighttime, my husband was sleeping, and I decided that after the whole day working with the dilators the time had come for this last one. I inserted the tip of it with one leg on the toilet seat, like before. The pain was excruciating. I fell onto the bathroom floor, stubborn, intent I would not take it out. I waited a while and started inserting it further, all the time on the floor. I managed to insert the whole dilator, ignoring the pain. All bent up, lying on the floor, I waited with it inside what was probably half an hour. Still in pain, I took it out. Pain was gone immediately, vaginismus had tricked me again.
The next day I did the same, this time next to the bed to have a better spot to wait for the pain to go away. When I inserted the dilator, the pain was just as bad as the day before, but I was very intent on not letting vaginismus win this time. I knew that once I pulled it out, the pain would go away, so there's nothing that's really harming my body. I waited. And waited. And eventually it did go away.
I kept working with the dilators and my body needed smaller and smaller amounts of time to adjust to the dilator inside. The smaller ones didn't require any wait time at that point.
In the end of November my husband and I had intercourse for the first time. Using the same logic, I knew the pain, the burning sensation would be gone after a few minutes. So we waited. And just like that, the pain did go away. My husband was inside of me and I did not feel any pain. I can't describe my joy and relief.
All the pieces in my life fell into place.
In the end of January we decided to try for a baby - and I got pregnant the first month. We are now expecting a baby boy.
When I got pregnant we chose an OB/GYN and described our situation to her. She was very understanding, did a quick pap smear, it was uncomfortable but surprisingly for me it honestly didn't hurt. She let me insert the transvaginal myself, and that proved to be even easier, just like inserting one of the smaller dilators. With the difference that now I could see the reward of all that - on the screen there was our baby.
I also went to the OB/GYN that I had visited with my mom once. He did a transvaginal and told me that if he hand't met me before he would never have guessed I had vaginismus.
Finally, I also saw a yet another OB/GYN and he did a full physical exam on me - and that did not hurt either.
So here is my story... Sometimes I look in the mirror at my growing belly, fold and unfold my son's little clothes, and I still can't believe it all really happened. I remember hearing about people having sex and feeling like a failure. I remember shopping for clothes for my friends' new babies, and feeling the biggest pain in my heart. I remember once buying a few baby clothes myself, showing them only to my husband, and hiding them in the closet. I remember the Mother Days in church, when I had to run out as soon as there came the time after the mass for the blessings. I remember all that, and more.
And here I am writing this for all of you out there, feeling my son's little kicks, and knowing that everything is possible. To those of you that are still struggling I wish lots of strength and endurance. If I could be of any help to you, please do not hesitate to write me. There are no bad or embarassing questions.
There's nothing you feel that I didn't feel.
With big, big hugs - M.
