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Marriage because of pregnancy?

Discussion in 'Motherhood, Pregnancies And Babies' started by confusedfather, Apr 6, 2012.

  1. confusedfather

    confusedfather New Member

    My girlfriend whom we know for less than 1/2 a year was pregnant with a child and she proposed R.O.M. She refused abortion or adoption and the baby is 3 months old. Things wernt smooth and with different personalities and character mismatch. I would be responsible for the well-being of the child but should marriage be taken into place because of a baby? shouldn't a marriage be in place for the right reasons?
     
  2. 1bean

    1bean Member

    Hi confused father. I don't think it's wise to register the marriage if the both of you aren't ready for the commitment to each other and family. However now that the child is on the way, both of you have to be responsible for it's creation. That means journeying together through the pregnancy, delivery and up bringing up the child in a responsible and positive manner.
     
    angel1116 likes this.
  3. chelsa1980

    chelsa1980 Member

    With different personalities and a character mismatch, why would you want to have unprotected sex with her? The thought of getting her pregnant did not cross your mind?

    Sorry to say this, you sound as if you are shrinking responsibilities. Obviously the different personalities and the character mismatch did not cross your mind when you had sex with her.
     
  4. xsun

    xsun Member

    Will u take up the life long commitment to care for the child?
    Financial and emtional commitments?

    The bb is innocent. 3mo is a foetus, alrdy has a heartbeat. Not a ball of cells anymre.
    U chose ur actions. Now u must be responsible for the consqences. Marriage or not. Simple as that.
     
  5. sweetevil

    sweetevil New Member

    Of course a child will change your relationship- they change everyone's relationships. But that's normal. Don't expect everything to be the same. It's geat she's ready to take the next step- what more could you in your position ask for?
     
  6. stupidboy

    stupidboy New Member

    It seem obvious that you are skrinking your responsibility, and with so much differences in personalities and character with her, yet you still have unprotected sex with her. Looks like you are out to have fun more than taking relationship seriously.
     
  7. triple70

    triple70 New Member

    Marriage in such a situation is a bad idea. It is not easy to divorce, especially if there is a kid involved.

    U claim there is personality mismatch. I doubt this happened only after discovery of pregnancy. Clearly, the both of u are not compatible from the start, and any marriage is unlikely to succeed. Perhaps u are better off with another woman, perhaps she is better off with another guy. Why enter marriage when there could be better options.

    6 months with "personality mismatch" and u got her pregnant. Things don't happen by accident, and most cases are simply instances of recklessness by not using protection. Lets be real, not using protection is a delibrate attempt at impregnation. She wants ROM and u are now here asking if that is the right thing to do??? If u love her, u won't even be asking this question. U will face all challenges together with her, regardless, unconditionally.

    The best solution now, is to do wad u wanna do, and let her do wad she wanna do.

    Forget about marriage and any legal relationship. But at least help out in every possible way. This may sound so screwed up.. but the fact of the matter is, u gambled and u lost.
     
  8. holybaby

    holybaby New Member

    ROM is not a good idea since you already stated "personality mismatch". But, if this "personality mismatch" is surfaced out after knowing the pregnancy then you are a coward to accept responsible being a man and a father to be. I think you should think it over again by yourself without influence of anyone because it is your own problem and you must have the courage to face the problem. Your decision is going affect your future life including your next marriage. So you must do the right thing for both parties. This will be your historical chapter in your life, do it wisely if not you may regret forever.
     
  9. confusedfather

    confusedfather New Member

    I have been telling my girlfriend i love her n that I would wan to be with her to delivery and get the child born. It's also my responsibility to take care of the baby financially or emotionally. My suggestion was to work out the current fragile relationship and feelings before moving onto the next phase But she insisted on ROM without building relationships first for the benefit, assurance and legitimacy of the child otherwise to leave her for life. A marriage cos of a child may spell happiness and also may bring abt divorce if marriage is cos of an obligation. What can I do?
     
  10. esther_ksk

    esther_ksk New Member

    ????!!!! Work out current fragile relationship and feelings before moving to nxt phase??!!!! Pls! Baby is on the way. How long u wanted to work out? U oso knw marriage bcoz of bb will caused divorce. N y u got her pregnant?! If u asked all mummies here, of coz dun think abt abortion! Do u knw how many ppl frm tis forum wanted babies so much but cant get? U shld plan urself for future!
     
  11. xsun

    xsun Member

    Confusedfather,
    I can feel for u..its the struggle between ur heart (feelings) and mind(logic).
    Wat abt marriage conselling? Not sure watz ur faith, but most churches provide tat. If u need help on tat can pm me.

    6 mths relationship is indeed not stable fondation to rush into marriage with a child on the way. Well, if u can convinced her ur sincerity..maybe can get enaged 1st.? Then go marriage conselling with the intention to rom.?

    Watever it is i see ur itention is gd..u love her, u willing to be responsible and u wanna make tis relationship work for the long term. So basically the main ingredients r there, u just gotta take the steps to make it come true.

    Just dun abort the bb..its a precious life and children are a heritage frm God. He values them.
     
  12. 1bean

    1bean Member

    @confusedfather. - kudos to you for coming here and seeking advice. This is not something most guys would do given the same situation. So don't feel disheartened or pressured, but do think things through and be responsible all the way for the child. Do both your families know about the pregnancy and what's their stand? Do both families know that you will support her and the child all the way? You'll have to live up to the promise for the sake of the child.
    In regards to legitimacy, you don't have to ROM to be the father of the child and being a 'father' is more than what a piece of paper says.
    It takes 2 hands to clap so she is just as responsible as you are to be in this situation. With the pregnancy emotions can be a major influence on her thoughts, actions and words. In due time she may realize forcing you to ROM just because of the pregnancy is a bad idea. Sungrape's suggestion to see a marriage counsellor is a good idea. But both of you need to be really honest to each other and yourself when you go for the session. Purpose of the sessions is to give you situations that you'll encounter as a married couple before you jump into the deep end of the pool unprepared. It's better to maintain a healthy relationship as responsible independent
    parents to the child then to be tied and fighting and setting bad examples for the child.
    I think you gf feels insecure of your commitment hence she wants you to ROM. So my question to you, what are you doing to reassure her that you'll be responsible for the child and her other than mere words.
     
  13. confusedfather

    confusedfather New Member

    I do know that coming into this forum and sharing my story would be bombarded by many unfavourable comments and i honestly accept with appreciation. But what's done cannot be undone, instead i need to know how should we solve this.

    Expectations towards each other differs a million and we are talking about here a 5 month relationship. I proposed to her planning to settle down in 2 years and things only got shaky when i was too sensitive at the time i found out that she's been leading a guy whom liked her on and on another occasion weeks later, obliging towards another previous fling with the intention to meet but declined eventually. She realised her mistake and wanted to return the proposal ring but i refused to take it back. It was in between this period which the baby was conceived. I did forgive her then but it was only a month later which we found out she was pregnant. Since then till now, things wernt the way it supposed to be and it got worse when we found out that she was pregnant. Initially i insisted on abortion but slowly came to accept. Her emotions started to flow and being very tempermental. I could truely understand. However, the main problem here is that the foundations isnt right for a marriage from our relationship, moreover a baby and i suggest we build on the relationship to begin with.

    At the current moment I wanted and tried to prove to her to be there but she said the only way to prove it is ROM. She only wants to keep the child and me out of her life if i refuse on ROM. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and not to marry for the sake of giving the child a name and thereafter separation. With such ultimatium, two wrong does not make one right and she doesn't see it from my view point. The decision lies with her; as much as i want to talk to her and be there for her and the child, i could'nt, because she wants me out of her life as i have declined ROM. We are all unprepared for the child and her being 3 months pregnant, moving forward, its hard to imagine the future.

    I'm lost.
     
  14. littlecoco

    littlecoco Member

    Hi confused,
    My relationship with my husband started exactly like yours.. We hardly knew each other.. Started hangin out abit and things happened.. Within less den 3 mths I got pregnant.. I was shocked n we were in a dilemma like u n ur gf are.. Like ur gf I decided to keep my baby.. N we give the relationship a try by moving forward to a marriage.. Yes, for the sake of the child.. Maybe time was too short for u to know each other well enough to determine she's the one for u.. Well I can tell u I was just like u, super confused too so much so that I blamed my husband for causing all these n I refused being close to him while I was pregnant with his baby.. U maybe feeling the clash with ur gf coz she's going thru her hormonal changes big time now plus the confusion plus the disagreements.. Give in alittle more n try understand her.. I'm sure u liked her that's why u were tgt n be intimate with her.. Just one step at a time.. Go along with her understand her changes due to the pregnancy.. It's not just abt u n her now but the little one growing day by day..

    My hub n I are married for 2 years now. Blessed with God's sweetest gift, our 2 yo son n also looking forward to our bb boy no.2 this aug. Stay positive, dude. Everything will be alright. Be a man n take care of her.. She needs u the most now. Good luck~
     
  15. esther_ksk

    esther_ksk New Member

    hm.. i quite agree with little coco. u hv to stay positive. prove to her your sincerity. Well, me and my hubby oso get to know about 6 months den rom. be frank, i ask for it. but im not pregnant during that time. both of our character oso mismatch, but we r tryin our best to accomodate each other. sooner you will know each other very much. 1st place, you and her parents must aware about tis. dun drag too long, as baby is growing. discuss wif each other how to settle down the baby first which is more important. after tat, den u both discuss to settle down u 2. Perhaps ur gr do not feel any security tats y ask for rom. can understand how she feel oso. tok to family. c wat is their opinion. i believe now only parents can help you guys.
     
  16. joykeychain

    joykeychain Member

    Hi Confused, I hope u understand tat ur gf is going thru a rough path now too be it mentally or emotionally n even physically. n it isnt easy for u too i believe. i m not sure how old r both of u.. but marriage is a lifelong commitment..if u claim u love her,dan u will accept all the things she is doing n wld think of settling down with her.
    honestly my hubby n i oso settle down coz i m preg.. n honestly lucky thing i m kinda plump so its nt so obvious n we able to host a wedding even at my 5th mth of preg. so before hers is big..i think u better give her an answer..
    for wat i know she is unable to abort after she is 11wks old n must wait till after 16wks.. by dan if she were to abort she may haf to suffer emotional unstability n oso in the future will be hard for her to give birth again which i think is unfair for her.. so think thru carefully.
     
  17. confusedfather

    confusedfather New Member

    Thanks ppl..our parents knew about it and i will think through it thoroughly. [​IMG]

    The problem now is that even if i want to be there for her regardless of marriage, i do not know how to overcome myself. She was rendered help by her friend and hacked into my bank details, statements and email correspondences knowing every single information of me and indeed im patrified.

    Then again, I am 26 and she is 21. Would a marriage because of all these last for eternity? or will it because of these resulting in a failure?
     
  18. triple70

    triple70 New Member

    TS.. u wrote..

    "....She realised her mistake and wanted to return the proposal ring but i refused to take it back. It was in between this period which the baby was conceived."

    " ....because she wants me out of her life as i have declined ROM"

    U proposed to her, conceived a baby with her, and then declined ROM. Now, u talk about rational stuff like family expenses. Honestly, do u expect anyone to trust u after what u have done? Has it not occurred to u that your actions are very self centred? If she wants u out of her life, don't u get the message?
     
  19. holybaby

    holybaby New Member

    Hi confusefather, many people have given you valued opionion, as you have asked for it.
    I think in Singapore, no one will agree to your doing "Making girl pregnant and not taking full responsibility." I believe all pregnant women are keen in this forum including your girlfriend. I believe she will be looking at it as she is pregnant now. You are trying to use this forum to voice out to her and make excuses not to have ROM with her. From the information given by you, you said that you love her and make you a confusefather. The end result of your intention is to tell everyone that you are a good man and she is the one who asks you to get out of her life. And you will feel better if she were to leave you as it is her own decision not yourself. If you are sincere enough, try to make an approach with your parent & hers together to work out the best solution. If it doesn't work out then well, then you should respect her decision and leave her alone instead of spending time pouring out more problems for public to view. Let her have more time to prepare for a healthier BB.
    Hope all the best to you. God bless you.
     
  20. 1bean

    1bean Member

    @ confused father. She's 21. I definitely think she's not ready for marriage and for hacking into the accounts and emails sounds like big warning signs and shows she's really insecure. But like many mentioned hormones can be a part of it, but is this something you are prepared for? And trust me, even of you rom and go through the rituals, later on if things don't work out it can get uglier then her just hacking into your accounts, is that something that you are prepared for?
     
  21. desireelinda

    desireelinda New Member

    So Sorry to post here while u guys have discussion. I need a little help. Do get to me for adoption of baby. As I'm trying to adopt one with reasonable amount which dont exceed 9,000.

    Due to not able to give birth anymore(knew the news last month due to 2 times miscarriage in a year), i decided to go for adoption. The news really hurts me lOts coz I'm just 24 and have not even a kid yet. And the news do hurt my mum a lot too . She went a little bit far more than depressed and always thinking that baby is still in me whenever she thinks of it. Consult doctor but was saying medication can't cure only control as she needs to work out herself. So despite I'm very sad and depressed I got to think of not only me but her too.and at this point of time, Husband left me too. So my dad and I came out with a solution, since I can't give birth, why not adopt those who are keen to put for adoption so that my mum can be better and I can have a better motivation of living my life better.  kindly do help out for this.  it will be good for going to give birth de or newborn as they still can't recognise if not its like so cruel for those who alrd know their parents. Kindly give a helping hand. Apps 83006803 thank
     
  22. elohz

    elohz New Member

    If you are confused and not yet ready for marriage, then dont get married. Just make sure you'll be a responsible father.
     
  23. anderaaa

    anderaaa New Member

    yes marriage is a lifetime commitment, you do not just marry out of convenience. Think thru carefully so that you do not hurt your girlfriend deeper too.

    That being said, I've seen guys who made their girlfriends pregnant and decided to take on this responsibility and got married. they may not be financially stable but the guy was willing to work hard to provide for the family. The family is doing well now and I have to say the husband does play an important role [​IMG]
     

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