Do you give a token to your mum for helping to babysit?

Discussion in 'Year 2009 Mums' started by motherbear, Mar 9, 2009.

  1. motherbear

    motherbear Member

    Hi all mummies / mummies-to-be

    i m a going to be first-time mum-to-be 2 mths down the road & will need some advices from u ladies here..

    1) Do you give yr mum a token for helping you to baby sit yr chiLd? How much? market rate around $500 -$600?

    2) Are there others who dont give at all? but probably give her a lump sum when its near to CNY?

    3) i tot its quite a standard practice to give either yr mum or MIL a token for helping u to baby sit .. but ovr e`wkend..spoke tis tis to my hb casually & his tinking worries me as he felt tat taking care of grandchild should be "out of love" & nt be viewed as "paid to do a job" .. how do i convince him or make him understn tat tis money is nt given jus to pay for "the services" but as a token .. i dun wan to make it sound as though my Mum is very money-minded..
    btw, my mum duno anyting abt this yet .. i m asking my hb how much do we tink we will to give.. just a casual chit-chat & I realise tat his tots differs frm mine so much..

    Please share yr advices here ...
  2. jo_tan

    jo_tan New Member

    I'll be giving my mum $700 to babysit my baby. All my frens do give their parents a token sum every month, ranging from $600 to $800. It's not a job to them, my mum is more than willingly to take care of them even without money. It's that as a token we should give them. After all, they are helping to look after my Child. They can choose not to. Looking after a baby is not an easy job.
  3. motherbear

    motherbear Member

    yes i agree with your tots, Jo .. jus tat i duno how to convince or tell my hb tat its the market practice o/s to do so .. his views r shld take care out of love but nt "paid" to do this "service"
  4. unique0909

    unique0909 Member

    yes, i fully agree that it is not an easy job looking after the bb...

    if ur mum actually gives up her job to look after the bb, the more you need to give her some money as a token...

    explain to your husband, if your mum does not want to look after ur bb he will have to look for other options...1. get a maid 2. leave bb in childcare...all these needs money to0 and worse of all, they do not shower so much attention as the grandma...thus now that the grandma is willing to take care of the bb, y shouldnt he gives her money...ask him to chk ard wif his frens...i m sure most of them will tell him, yes he has to give her $$.
  5. motherbear

    motherbear Member

    i explained nicely to him & share the same tots as u, Unique..

    But he says mayb he is being naive or tink too idealistic..but his tots r .. put it tis way .. grandparents ought to tk care out of love & nt for monetary incentives..

    i will try & tok to him agn cos to avoid saying the wrong tings (u know monetary issues r v sensitive) i told him tat let me find out more info via colleagues/forumn then we discuss agn...
  6. bin

    bin Member

    Hi motherbear,

    Juz wondering if you are already giving a monthly allowance to your mum? If yes, then juz increase more when she is caring for your baby.

    I always think that it is our duty to care for our own children, our parents are only doing us a favour and we should not oblige them in any way. A token is given to them for their savings so that they can have some extras for a holiday or even splurge on themselves after all the hard work! (or to splurge on our kids :p) Don't we like to do that on ourselves too ;) And a few hundred dollars is definitely not adequate for such hard work :p (wait till your hubby understands how much work it is in looking after a baby! [​IMG] )

    Good luck in convincing your hubby!
  7. motherbear

    motherbear Member

    hi Bin

    Thanks for your tots here .. i guess my hb knows tat its the norm to do so jus tat perhaps his tots can only work in a very idealistic world [​IMG]

    anyway, i oso wont feel gd if tis token is not given as our gesture cos afterall i feel its only natural and right to do so .. probably i will lump it into as part of my monthly allowance to my mum .. afterall i know the pains of looking after a child, esp if its a newborn baby..

    .. haiz . .. start to feel the stress being a first time mummy.. apart from learning how to manage a baby .. sometimes to strike a balance bwtn hb, mum or MIL can be v tricky at times [​IMG]
  8. lindah

    lindah Member

    interesting conversation leh.

    i dun give extra money to my parents for taking care of my son. my reasons are the following:

    (a) i am staying with my parents so I oredi help with utilities, maintenance every month (for marketing) and some other bills.
    (b) we have a maid so my maid also take care of the baby. like feeding times.
    (c) my mum still works half day. while she is working, either my dad watch my son while he sleeps or the maid watches him as he plays...

    so for some reason, i dun feel inclined to give more, leh. my hubby feels the same way. do you think i am being too stingy? i ever thot of increasing the amt i give them but the more i thot about it, the more i think it is not such a bright idea because
    (a) once you give hor, it's very difficult to remove. because expectations have been set. so if they take care of baby till they are 6 yrs, u have to pay for 6 yrs. after that, u want to remove, they would realli feel the pinch leh.
    (b) i dun wan to stress our own financial situation. after all, with new baby, need to remember medical bills, milk powder, diapers, all cost money.

    anyway i think $700 is a lot. when you get 2nd baby, then how? $1000? i feel stressed just thinking abt it.
  9. violac

    violac Member

    motherbear, i'm going to be a first-time mum myself in few months' time too. and i do intend to arrange for token sum to be given to my parents (on top of the allowance that i already give to them since i work).

    you should explain to your husband that there is a very practical view to why a token sum should be given:

    1) our mums/MIL have to go market and buy food for our baby (porridge -- fish, vege?). who's gonna pay?

    2) it can be used to pay for necessities such as diapers, milk powder. what about increased utilities cost to them?? (water bills for additional laundry, electricity bills for air-con/heated water etc.?)

    3) taking care of a baby means my mum has less time for the family she's been caring for all these year (i.e. my dad, and my unmarried siblings). i intend to engage part-time housework services to relieve her as well as not to affect her original quality of life.

    it is neither natural nor rightful that grandparents look after babies, because they didn't create the babies. you and your husband did [​IMG]

    try convincing your husband in that manner...
  10. motherbear

    motherbear Member

    hi hope: yr case probably is abit diff as u r staying with yr parents and have a maid to help to ease the load .. probably u can share with yr mum yr bonus as a form of "token" bah .. like i will do so . .. for her to buy things she like & pamper herslf abit [​IMG]

    i tink even if when my kids r grown up till 6 yrs old , its ok if we do not continue tis token .. being parents of ours..tink they will understand lah & wont feel the pinch lah.. they oso know the burden of hving a family of our own now & our expenses will be more nw with newborn babies .. moreover, we r the ones tat will take care of them when they age right? [​IMG] so probably tis worry of yrs is uncalled for .. relax yeah!

    Hi Stickymouse: u r going to engage a domestic helper to help the hsework at home? tats very nice .. for me, my intention of leavin my gal with my mum is bcos my mum is a typical housewife like yr mum..been taking care of family for years so at least she can still "look after" the hse & manage her hseworK whiLe taking care of my baby... if she gonna come my hse & stay the whole day..then she will prob hv one pile of hsework undone..and i dun wan to stress her also... didnt tot of getting one to lessen her load leh ..

    i tink i will be able to sweet-talk my hb to see my point la .. cos i feel its perfectly right and fair that we should gv them a token [​IMG]
  11. violac

    violac Member

    hi motherbear, yeah well... not the foreign domestic maid. but the hourly part-time helper to come in and help my mother with some housework twice as week or something.

    i never thought of that until my own sister related her experience to me. my mum had flown to the US to help her take care of my nephew in the day (all by herself). i guess age being a factor, my mum ends up very tired by 6pm when my sis and BIL gets home. so i think it's only nice that i engage these hourly services for my mum when it's my turn.

    if only my younger sister is more "zi dong" at home to help my mum, perhaps i wouldn't even need to spend this money. but what to do.. she's only a teenager and always been well taken care of, and never knew how to initiate help to my parents... youngsters...

    at least people like us have to be thankful that we have available help. my own MIL put huge disclaimers at the beginning that she would not be helping (and we didn't even ask her!!!!). so i think my husband and myself shd be able to work some token sum out of gratefulness to my mum.

    all the best discussing with your husband!
  12. sam09

    sam09 Member

    Hi Stickymouse, i am 1st time mum also. i am totaly agree with u. My MIL will help to take care of my little cowboy & my hb suggest that to recruit a maid for MIL to reduce their hsework.
    Is not easy to taking care of a baby. alot of work.
  13. closetdoor

    closetdoor Active Member

    Hi,
    You can don't give your mum any allowance, but at the minimum, you must pay for the stuff that baby uses, like food, diapers, water etc.

    If your hubby still don't understand your point for a token payment, then come up with $100 or $200 out of your own pocket for your own mum.

    There is no market rate for how much to pay your mum. Its up to you. If your salary is like $5k, "paying" your mum $600 a mth as babysitting fees is not too much to ask right?

    There is only a market rate for infant care (min $650 and up) and nanny day care (~$600). This comes up to quite a lot. I think own mums will understand if you can't cough up $600 for her. Maybe treat her to time off when u take leave or treat her to shopping and you take the bill.
  14. makubex

    makubex New Member

    Motherbear,

    my hubby used to give $300 allowance to his mum and we go there for dinner abt 2-3 times a week. after give birth, we dont go there for dinner anymore and my MIL take care baby for me. now we're giving her $500. we're paying for all the necessities of baby. i still told my hubby we should give 600 if we can afford it in future.

    how much to give depends on your ability, but i think we should give because they could have a more carefree life if they are not helping us. like what other mmy say, they can choose not to help us. if ur hubby think it should be done "out of love", ask his mum to take care la, then don pay his mum anything lo. ask him try to put himself for other ppl's shoe.
  15. closetdoor

    closetdoor Active Member

    Hi Pauline, I like your last statement. LOL
  16. twinkleeva

    twinkleeva Member

    Hi,

    I agree with the "out of love" thingy but we also have to face the reality. Human can't survive on "LOVE" only. I felt that its better to give a token monthly(base on yr ability and yr mummy's needs). Caused its always more painful to give a lump sum(How much?) at the end of the year.
  17. linda_thea

    linda_thea New Member

    Hi,
    I like the "humans cant survive on love alone". Very true. Caregivers give up a lot to care for our children. And freedom is something money can never compensate. Caring for a child costs money. Even if you pay for baby's necessities, the caregiver incur cost like little tibits, some clothes, food, toys. One might say you will provide for everything, but the truth is, the grandma/pa will also pay here and there for something.

    Of course one might say if pay more than what we pay a childcare centre, might as well place there. But dun forget, the care giving is one-to-one, dinner is provided, when child is sick, the caregiver still take the child in, their clothes get washed, parents wont have to be too rigid on 7pm pick up. More often than not, parents also get a decent meal upon picking the child. Paying the same rate u pay a childcare, or more is reasonable.

    That being said, will also depend on financial ability of the parents. we also have to bear in mind the financial ability of our caregivers. If we ask them to give up a job that pays them more than what we can give, then perhaps it is only right that we asked if they can sustain. If not, then we also cannot blame them for not caring for our kids.
  18. gg_lee

    gg_lee Active Member

    Hi
    I am sure we value our parents more than a paid caretaker. Adn have greater peace of mind too! So I think it is only natural to give them money for taking care of our bb. A lot of things are very costly these days.

    I have heard many elderly parents these days very scared of taking care of their children's kids because end up their children think should do for free or cheap cheap. And yet we know we probably are a lot more frank and harsh with own parents compared to caretakers. So its really a tough job for our parents.
  19. gelyn

    gelyn Member

    Hi, I do agree that we should give a token sum of money. Giving the foods they have to prepare and time to look after your child...a lost of freedom is something,that nothing can compensate.

    GG: I agree with you. Some children do take their parents for granted as in give them little allowance and still expect them to take care of their baby.
  20. zhuzhu07

    zhuzhu07 Active Member

    Yo mummies,
    Sorry to butt in here.
    I have a 21 month old baby girl and my mum helps to take care of her. I pay her $500 a month and it does not include the allowance I give my dad.
    I think we should be giving them an allowance for taking care of our children cos:

    (1) It's not easy to take care of babies and it's extremely tiring. I wud think they have better things to do but to tire themselves out over their grandkids so it's a sacrifice.

    (2) If you are gg to pay someone else to take care of your kid u might as well pay your own mum who u trust 100% and and no worries when u go back to work. I think for #2 point, this is very important. Trust and safety

    (3) Take care of grandkids out of love?? I think we shld not shortchange our parents just becos they are our PARENTS... Even if you just pay $200 a month over weekdays only, it wud come up to only $10 per day which is something like $1/hr!!! Er.. even maids get paid more.

    (4) Since your parents will help take care, I would think you wud pick up your baby and bring home daily which means you cud be taking your dinner at your parents' place.. so you gotta think it wud include the dinner costs too..

    IMHO, how many years do our parents have more?? If they can shower our kids with love and it is only right that we give them allowance.. and even more for taking care of our kids, why not???
  21. mummyjj

    mummyjj New Member

    Hi,
    I give my mother-in-law $700/mth to take care of my Gel since she was young, now turning to 4 years old, and she is attending half day nursery classes. My #2 will be coming in this July, also thinking to let my in law take care, at least i will have a peace of mind.

    In this case, don know whether I shd increase the monthly allowance? Any advice?
  22. twinkleeva

    twinkleeva Member

    mummyjj my view to yr issue is:

    1. U have been giving yr in-law $$$ and i assume tot u r sending yr #1 to nusery classess,u did not reduce her allowance.
    2. I felt that u don't have to increase $$ but shd discuss with her openly that yr expenses are increasing and get her consensus. However u shd spend some effort in getting tonics or bring them out for makan every now and then to show them yr appreciation of their hard work.
    Taking care of grandchildren is an enjoyment yet not easy too.

    Cheers,
  23. linda_thea

    linda_thea New Member

    Hi mummyjj
    It is always a matter of what we want to give and can give. I think if finances allow, increase the allowance a little. After a new baby also means more things involved. But no need to be $700 per child kind of thing. Look at around $100 first if possible.
  24. jos83

    jos83 Member

    Hello mummies, just wondering if any of u have MIL helping u to do confinement? I understand that if Mother/MIL help us do confinement, we have to give a red packet after that. wat is the standard amt?
  25. gg_lee

    gg_lee Active Member

    Joann, market rate for a confinement lady now is $2,000, excluding expenses for food.

    So if you ask me, I think if MIL/mum is doing full time confinement for you, maybe at least around $1,000 for the red packet? Of course if you have a very understanding or rich MIL/mum, then maybe can adjust a bit lor.
  26. harriet

    harriet New Member

    what if mom's confinement roles were mainly restricted to washing, carrying baby cos i breastfeed & there's someone else who does the confinement cooking?
    I was quite torn over this red packet thing becuase I really think it's was so customary but what's the meaning? I don't really like to give because everyone gives. cos I give my parents allowance every month, CNY money, and pay for all the marketing for groceries.
  27. art50523

    art50523 New Member

    Hi
    I jus delivered. I\1) give monthly allowance of S$800 to my mum
    2) Pay for monthly hse installement cpf
    3) Pay for PUB and phone bill

    All can total to 1000plus.....

    We had paid my mum $2K but she had taken 1500 for the 1 mth confinement cos she also realise she din do a gd job , we had a lot of conflicts. My husband who is gd natured and tempered person also flared up at her over the first month.
    Recently i asked my mum to go as she had said "i made use of her until later i will send her to old folks" i am very hurt about what she said so i sent her off cos i never tot that by looking after my bb she is thinking i made use of her. Very sad. Also she said that she took the $1500 that my hubby gave is to give me face! Initally she told me she dun wan the confinement money but afetr a few days she said if its my money she dun wan but if its my hubby's money she wan!My hubby is totally behind me. At times, my mother would remember or remind us we owe her money etc etc.......which pisses me off. Have i not done enoygh for the family? I am the only daughter but i am paying for everything i am not complaining but she is taking me for granted. Anyway, now we have to find alternative care for my bb when i return to work 2 mths later.
  28. stylobb

    stylobb New Member

    Hi motherbear
    Did you ask your hb if he is going to pay for stuff like milk powder, diapers, food money, bb stuff like milk bottles, wet wipes since you will leave bb with mother? If yes, work out an amount he should be contributing monthly... then you can top up a token sum. Tell him it cannot be free since need to buy bb-related stuff.

    When bb grows, then need to cook porridge and feed nutritious stuff.
    Cannot expect your mother to foot the bill, right. Will add more stress to her...

    Hi brenda
    I think since you hv given her $1.5k, then just leave it. Lifelong relnships can be complicated esp with close ones, and money can sour these relnships further....
  29. motherbear

    motherbear Member

    hi hi styloBB & all other forumers [​IMG]

    we will provide with BB necessities (diapers, milk powder, BB daily items .. ) not expecting my parents to pay or buy them as we will replensh them when they run out of stocks..

    anyway, i hvnt discuss tis with my hb yet since the last time we spoke when BB was not born yet .. its time i hv to bring out tis topic agn .. hope his perception will change now since he himself hv taken care of BB for the past 2 mths and know its aint easy task .. wish me good luck [​IMG]
  30. closetdoor

    closetdoor Active Member

    Hi Brenda,
    oh no. just leave matters at that bah. sometimes own mum find its a chore looking aft grandkids. or something along that line that they need time to go shopping and meet friends. times had changed thus we can't blame them yah...

    just grit your teeth for first few years to find infant care/childcare/nanny etc.

    things will all work out in the end. no worries!
  31. jxluni

    jxluni New Member

    My father in law and mother in law stay with us and taking care of our baby. we provide everything for them including trips. And on top of that we give $2000-4000 each year as year end bonus, is it enough?
  32. cicilia

    cicilia New Member

    its not a time to scrimp when u have a bb, if u have someone else to take care be it IFC, maid, MILS or parents, it will cost money. Of course out of all the above MIL and Parents will be the best option as they are the grandparents.
    Appreciate all the effort like you would appreciate others, imagine yourself one day in their position.
    Of course there's parents who take their kid for granted like in my case. And as you can see in this forum, in alot of other families.
    I am SAHM with 2 kids with no family at all close by. I am still being taken for granted by my mom.
    If your parents are great and willing to take care of bb, please give them something.
    Taking care of bb to toddler is not easy job, man will take motherhood for granted.
    Get ur husband to take care of bb by themselves sometime to make them realise.
    Only then you and the caregiver will be appreciated.
  33. jappooh

    jappooh Active Member

    Lia,

    agree that taking care of kids are not easy.

    My PIL stay with us and we pay for everything in the hse. My PIL actually rented out their hse and keep their own rental. On top of that my hubby do give his mum the mthly allowance + $$ to take care of my kids. My elder one is in cc now.

    Ye end when we get bonus. My MIL get her "bonus" as well.
  34. jiequn

    jiequn Member

    Hi Motherbear,
    I think your hubby is a bit selfish and not considerate. Taking care of a baby is not an easy thing ,she has to scarify her freedom and personal time no to say about the tiring part. I have no doubt that your mum certainly will do that out of love but shouldn't him also need to show some appreciations by giving some allowances.

    Ask your hubby to put himself in your mum's shoe, if he is going to take care of his grandchild in the future with $0 allowance, will he do that?
  35. mschan

    mschan New Member

    Hi all,
    I agree that we should at least give a token or an allowance to our mother or MIL for taking care of our babies. When I had only my two daughters, I asked my mother to baby sit and I gave her $600 every month so as to enable her to buy what she wants. She also buys toys and clothes for my kids so I don't mind giving her money. It's just really ok to give to those who takes care of our children because it's not an easy job.
  36. annetay

    annetay New Member

    Mschan,
    I agree with you as its better to give our mother or MIL than maid. We feel more safer when we are at work as know that the bb is in gd hand.
  37. mahalia

    mahalia New Member

    we also give my mother allowance every month since she's basically doing everything in our house from taking care of my 9 month old daughter to cleaning the house, and cooking for us. i'm super lucky my mom is here to take care of me, my hubby and daughter. :) glad hubby is happy with her too. :) my mom is still kinda young (turning 50 next yr) that's why she wants to do everything for us. :)
  38. strawberrys79

    strawberrys79 Member

    i think if you have your own parents/in-laws looking after your kid, you should give an allowance.

    Sometimes it really depend on the parent looking after your kid. Like my mother in law, if she care for my son, she will do it "out of love" cos of their family culture and her mentally is "this is what being family is abt".

    If my mom, she will prefer to have an allowance that is comfortable to my pocket. It's really different. It is our duty as children to give a token to show our appreciation to our own parents when they took care of our children.

    btw..neither my mom nor my in-laws look after my son. One is in poor health and the other is helping in family business.
    hahaha
  39. karoru

    karoru Member

    Hi mummies. I do agreed with giving a token too. My fil is standing by just to fetch my boy fr cc when we needs to work late plus packet din for us on certain days. We gave him additional $200 on top of the monthly allowance that we give him. It is a way to show appreciation too.

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