A trying mummy of 2

M

mrs_yang

Member
Dear all , im so sad so lost and i have no one to turn to or rather i do not know how to share it with ppl i know . im married for 8+ years and have 2 precious gal but i never enjoy a real nomal married life and i endure till today hoping he will change , i found out2 days ago that he cheats. i have sense it but when i really see the proof i canot but broke down. he said he dun love me which i know. he ask me think abt div which this is not last i want bcos of my kids and age parents , i feel ashame to bring them hurt and angry why for years of waiting he become worse and i need to suffer pain all by myself
 


I think it's meant for both parties.. Cant fix something one-sided.. His end also has something to fix, not just yours, right?
 
Don't have to feel ashame when facing your parents and children you are not the one at fault. The person who should be a shame should be your husband cos he cheated. Don't blame yourself when marriage has come to an end.
Stay strong and positive, don't shed your tears over someone who is unfaithful. It isn't worth it.
 
thanks bbabyblue , i know that i should shed my tears that not worth , somehow just hurts and i really hope my tears can just stop.... i have been putting on my mask all along so that cant see the real me .. i was hopeful.. but this is what i get now ...
 
Yes it may hurt for now, but time will heal up for you. Be strong for your kids and parents, they need you. I'm sure they will understand and give you the moral support. Marriage may have end but it's also chapter of new beginning for you. I'm sure you will live better and happier without an unfaithful man beside you.
 
Only you can say if there is still something worth salvaging. It's also not good for your kids and elders to see you miserable.
 
Your children will not be happy living in such a household even if you stay married. There's always another chance for you to find happiness rather than living in misery. Many men these days don't know how to appreciate good wives. Someone else will.
 
Your children will not be happy living in such a household even if you stay married. There's always another chance for you to find happiness rather than living in misery. Many men these days don't know how to appreciate good wives. Someone else will.
 
Actually many people also advised me.. telling me that i won't be happy with unfaithful man beside me etc.. but now that i'm divorced, I'm not any happier either.. it's tough.... and most of the times, people say can find better man, but how to? with 1 kid or even 2 ... how many men will be okay with it.. i really wonder. Sigh. and how to even find these men?
 
I come from a broken home. My dad left us when i was 9yrs old. It was tough for my mom but she has always been very determined. We pulled through. Fastforward to present, im still very close with my mom. She's my pillar and strength. She's also happy with her partner of 17 yrs whom I consider my stepdad :)

There is hope. You just need to decide which direction you want to go.
 
No. She could if she wanted to coz my parents' marriage was annulled. They are happy to stay as partners. I live far away from them and im glad they can look out for each other and keep company. They are both 60+ now but still hold hands when at the mall. Hehe.. Even sweeter than my hubby and i :)

..best pair of babysitters i can find too! My baby is happiest with them..
 
Mid-40s. He is 4yrs older than her also married previously and likewise, financially stable. They are both not after anything else but love and companionship. I introduce him as my dad, he doesn't (or cant) object :)

It takes more than blood relations to say you are family, that we have proven.

First you need to heal and learn to love yourself again :)
 
Men these days are quite open to single mums or divorce mums with kids. I've a few friends divorced but remarried. They are much happier. You mentioned the kids are important to you so in any case you don't need a man to make you happy.
 
Strongmummy82, r u same situation as me? I also feel I deserve better but Im afraid. We woman alway losing side, after spending precious youth, this is what we get and he enjoying outside and yet come home snatch my kids away
 
And I share wif no one.. how to even bring up to my family... so afraid.. feel useless to choose wrong man and now knowing will begin hurting my parents
 
Once bitten, twice shy. Happiness is self attain and if you always look outside for people to give you happiness, would most likely end up feeling hurt again and again. Just live within your own means and give your best to your two girls. Giving love is better than waiting to be love. As a mummy, you can do it. Stay strong and positive. There are always someone out there worse than ourselves.
 
mrs yang, i'm already divorced.. but like what i shared above, I don't feel any happier as well.. like I didn't try hard enough or something. I have 1 kid and I do feel more at ease with him not in the house, yet we still do spend some time tog with our kid.. maybe abit weird situation.. but it is like this..
for me, i shared everything from beginning to end with my parents. they know my pain, my hurt and they support me for leaving his uncommitted man who can't stay faithful. so by right, i should have no issues moving on right? but i still think of alot of what ifs... juz a tough time...
 
Strongmummy82, I feel u, I feel peaceful when he is not hm too.. but ever seen I find out affair I feel so unfair.. why the other woman deserve his love.. he love our kids.. but he dun love me.. should I just div or close eyes hoping one day he will come back.. div procedure is really longand tiring rright? Especially when there is kids.. I dun wan them to go through all these...
 
I'm sure my parents will support me.. but I can't bear to make them worry or make them unhappy becks of this and I dunno how to face the world.. everyone tot I have happy family.. maybe I hide too well..
 
I share with my parents when I discovered my ex was unfaithful... every single event , every single feeling.. i share.. i pour out.. cry etc etc.. if you live unhappily and just be moody etc, don't you think they will worry even more.. okay if you think u can act or hide your whole life.. but u torture yourself..
 
mrs yang, ya it's a tiring procedure .. i oso feel alot of injustice, i oso feel indignant.. alot of emotions arise. my kid is less than 4 yrs so he may not know what's going on yet.. but I feel being honest is important. why not face the issue straight on? I don't know about you.. but behaving and acting like nothing is wrong is torturous to me. either work out the rship or divorce. don't keep it dangling. we feel divorce may affect the kids, so you stay on... but at the end of the day, the kids will grow up and have own lives.. and you will be left with your husband, a stranger staying in same house. do you want that? is your hubby a very hands-on dad now? if not, whats the difference??? if stay in the house, where father and mother don't talk or be living, what kind of example are you setting for the kids? that it's normal for mummy daddy don't talk? ultimately, it's up to you.
 
you mention in your 1st post that you married for 8 years but never ever had a normal married life? what do you exactly mean? well, both of you have produced 2 lovely girls isn't it? in your opinion, what is normal married life?
 
Ever since birth of my second gal our rs worsen as the way of bringing up kids is v different and he always angry the way I handle kids but I can say im doing like normal mummy does, he is the weird one, treat them roughly in my view. And always misunderstood me. We then stopped talking, I hope he will change as normal husband will coax the wife right. He didn't I got angry and stop talking and so is he.. the last years we stay in separate room and stop talking . He come home and touch kids, I ask him washhand first which is normal he got angry and throw temper.too many small things happened till I can't recall.. every conversation lead to argument.. he got angry when he see messy house but all kids play toy right.. he says im over.. he insists baby cry when he carrying I should let him handle.. as a mum cant even carry back.. he got affended and scold me for interfering.. look back I dunno how I endure.. I praying he will wake uup one day and change but this day never come till I found out his mistress. I cannot accept why this is happening to me
 
He dunno how to be a husband, father and even son. I spending all my money on my kids yet he use money for mistress.. if I ever div.. means he got to spend time with kids without me which I dun feel comfortable.
 
Ya i know what you mean.. so whenever he spends time with my kid, I will go along lor! See if any of his girlfriend can tahan. then if he stop spending time with my kid, then good.. i can move on. I think my thinking abit crazy. but no way I will let him spend time with my kid alone, and what if he brings any other gf to spend time with my kid? no way no way. since we are on ok terms, I will continue to do this way.. anyway I'm not into finding new partner, I don't trust myself to find a good guy anymore. do you have any religion? pray ba.. pray that God can guide you to do the right thing. Do the best you can for this marriage, go counselling, talk with mutual friend, discuss with your hubby, have heart to heart talk. Do everything you can until you exhaust all methods, then you won't feel bad if anything happens. At least you know you did your very best.
 
Yes maintenance. To be fair to him, he still provides for us financially.

So mrs yang. . Can u live in a loveless rship? If u r ok, then juz stay on. If not, do something abt it.
 
I cant and I hoping he will change as I'm also learning to change... but seems nowe I make the decision since there is already another woman
 
strongmummy82, i know of a family in the same situation: my inlaws. They are not divorced but they also can't stand each other. My mil is miserable and my fil lived out of sg for more than 10yrs.

To summarize their relationship, id say it's very awkward and toxic. Mil always rants about fil and vice versa.

I don't think they "gained" anything from staying married for the sake of staying married. No peace, no closure. The animosity between them just increased over the years.
 
Hi Mrs yang.. I feel you...I'm in a some what similar situation as u too. ...I have 3 kids...and my husband too told me he don't love me..we arranged for couselling..he went once with me and missed his 2nd appointment..he too treated the kids roughly and we also did have disagreement on up bringing of his..
 
I'm trying to salvage but I'm feeling very miserable each time when I got rejected by him or he treated me coldly...ya I really don't understand why man can be so heartless when they can just said they don't love you so quickly
 
And the fact that u gave birth for their kids and care for household and they instead of being appreciative, they turn away and look for other younger woman.
 
What goes around comes around, mummies.. Focus on healing yourself and securing your children emotionally and financially. Cheaters will get what they deserve.
 
I really hope so, karoosel. Sometimes wonder who is going to fix these men and unwittingly i try to play God and wanna punish which always backfiresm
 
Why care about retribution n what happen to those idiots unfaithful heartless man when u can choose to let it go n move on n be a happy girl n prove u are strong, independent, capable, beautiful n very desirable still ??

I sacrificed a lot n endure 15yr bloody yrs till that day he say he hv no more feelings for me.

6mths of crying, lost my job, almost went into deep depression, then I woke. Cut n rebound n colour my hair, went shopping n learn dancing n new things n found life is better n more meaningful now.

So, let it go, let them crave their own sin. What goes up will come down... Matter of time. So let it go,dun pity party.
 
i wish i could be stronger too. @strongmummy82 u are strong indeed to take the step into divorce, but what you say is true too - would one be happier after divorce? I do not think I will be happier if i have to look after and pay for the kids myself, bear with embarrassment, worry about housing, car, kids education, downgrade my life, while the bad hubby gets to enjoy freedom, time with kids as and when, extra cash since no need to spend so much on family anymore, etc. I think it is also not a happy life in that sense and I will really feel unjust. Unless, I can look over all that and think that a divorced situation will be better than having to live with a man that cheated (or cheats). I dunno, I'm confused still too.

I was so 100% into him and my family, and he had to cheat. And though I have someone interested in me (even though i have 3 kids), i still don't dare take the leap. Maybe i've really got no guts, I wish I did. But i think it's just unfair to the kids, and unfair to myself, for toiling so hard with him in the beginning to build our future and assets, and then leave him to enjoy everything on his own. Wouldn't I be dumb too? Sigh, many thoughts on this.
 


You can be happy...or sad or grouchy n be an old hag ...its your choice ... You've made a bad choice n now before another bad choice, ur every decision involved 3 lovely innocent kids. Let those stupid man be...hatred n contempt breeds jealously n blood shed ...dun go there. Do what is right , surround yourself with positive ppl, ppl who can pull u up n straighten u not ppl who nag n brag. Pick up some common factor n bond with ur kids, enjoy them, pick up a healthy hobby, lifestyle ..see u r so busy already right ..stay away from shady night life n those guys who promise heaven n earth .. Pm me if u need a fren gal ... Enjoy ur kids...
 
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