MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS

Yesterday had shouting session with my MIL of 10 years. Not the 1st time nor will it be the last. Anyway, I only need to see her from Mon to Fri as she will be staying with us to help us in looking after my 2 kids (mainly my son as he is only attending 3 hrs of kindergarten ).

The argument started very sudden. What trigger the argument was a very simple question that I asked my son :"Boy do you want to continue drawing lesson? Mummy is going to pay term fees tomorrow. If you want, you will need to complete the term."

Then my MIL suddenly interrupted our conversation by accusing me of not letting my son to continue drawing lesson. She went on saying we are biased. Dot my daughter more. Pay more attention to my daughter and not spending time with my son... blah blah blah. I told her that my son did indicated to us previously that he does not want to go for the class.. thus we need to check with him before paying the term fee of close to $400. Then she started to critise the school by repeating an isolated case of having 1 teacher to the class of 10 plus students. She was obviously not happy with the 1 off case of 1 teacher to 10 plus kids. I telling her that there are 2 teachers in the class. That incident was because 1 of the teacher happened to be sick on that day ... if the students get too rowdy naturally the teacher will reprimanded them..

She went on saying we deprive my son of everything... Din let him learn this n that.... the list went on and on... I was boiling at that time because she is the one who scolded us for sending my son to swimming lesson. She is also the one who refuses to let my son go to student care... she is the one who stopped this and that. .. I tried to reasoned with her... then she continued non stop...

Then she turn the topic to coaching my kids on school work.. she commented that I coach my daughter (who is in Primary 1 this year) more as compared to my son... she expected me to sit there watching my son to write his 习字 and complete his homework at night cos she din bother to ask him to finish these during the day. I tried to explain that my daughter's load is much heavier. My time spent was revising her on the syllabus rather than to sit there watching her doing her homework. I also highlight to her that i need to spend more time with her as she has lots of mini tests during the year.. and also my son is only 5 years old.. we want him to enjoy now before going to K2 next yr where the load will be heavier.

Then the topic got side tracked to accusations of us I'll treating my son. Her rational is simple... kids shd survive on milk powder... I told her that a 5 years old shd not have 5 portions of milk in their diet... it is too much.. but she insisted that she is correct because she has raised 2 children.. she blamed me for my son's stomach and diarrhea. . Citing that my son won't have diarrhea nor stomach when she is at home.. citing that we don't want to spend money buying milk powder. . Do you how how fast is the consumption of the 1.8kg milk powder? Within a week. That is scary...

Then she starts to get personal. Saying that we don't know how to teach my daughter because my daughter will talk back to her.. as for my son (her only grand son) will follow all her instructions obediently.... then she divert the topic to my sibling. Commenting on my younger brother's occupation. . Saying that it is of low class... blah blah blah.. my brother is working in health sector and he also has a master degree (though is not from local uni).... then she continued to infer that my parents don't know how to teach us. ... blah blah blah...

I snapped upon hearing this... then the conversation diverted to my elder brother. . She said that he is also useless cos he can't stay in singapore to work .. blah blah blah.. excuse me, I really don't know her definition of useless...my brother is a regional director of a 5 star hotel ... is his career classified as useless? My elder brother was posted out of singapore due to his promotion. From local to SEA and now is East Asia director.. he is currently in HK because the East Asia office is in HK... btw he is a local degree holder with sponsored MBA and a few certification. ..

The conversation went on n on... till I got fed up that I treated her invisible. .

I am praying everyday that one day she will choose to leave us alone. Really leave use alone because currently she will also check on us on our activities during weekends or days whereby we don't need her to come over. She will asked my kids what did we do, what we eat and the content of our conversation...

PS: Both her children are not high flyer. Normal working class ..
 

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Icey48, wow. Your MIL seem to have alot of issues and you became at the receiving end of her fury. So much insecurities even regarding your brother. Somehow I feel like she's picking on you. Nothing you will do will be considered right by her.

Take a breather. Hope you feel calmer now after sharing :)
 
wow your mother in law like my own mother sia.. from this can link to that than link and link like mrt train leh very long the link... LOL !!!!!!! I feel u ~ look on a bright side your case is mil my case more jialat is own mum.. lol
 
icey48 said:
Yesterday had shouting session with my MIL of 10 years. Not the 1st time nor will it be the last. Anyway, I only need to see her from Mon to Fri as she will be staying with us to help us in looking after my 2 kids (mainly my son as he is only attending 3 hrs of kindergarten ).

The argument started very sudden. What trigger the argument was a very simple question that I asked my son :"Boy do you want to continue drawing lesson? Mummy is going to pay term fees tomorrow. If you want, you will need to complete the term."

Then my MIL suddenly interrupted our conversation by accusing me of not letting my son to continue drawing lesson. She went on saying we are biased. Dot my daughter more. Pay more attention to my daughter and not spending time with my son... blah blah blah. I told her that my son did indicated to us previously that he does not want to go for the class.. thus we need to check with him before paying the term fee of close to $400. Then she started to critise the school by repeating an isolated case of having 1 teacher to the class of 10 plus students. She was obviously not happy with the 1 off case of 1 teacher to 10 plus kids. I telling her that there are 2 teachers in the class. That incident was because 1 of the teacher happened to be sick on that day ... if the students get too rowdy naturally the teacher will reprimanded them..

She went on saying we deprive my son of everything... Din let him learn this n that.... the list went on and on... I was boiling at that time because she is the one who scolded us for sending my son to swimming lesson. She is also the one who refuses to let my son go to student care... she is the one who stopped this and that. .. I tried to reasoned with her... then she continued non stop...

Then she turn the topic to coaching my kids on school work.. she commented that I coach my daughter (who is in Primary 1 this year) more as compared to my son... she expected me to sit there watching my son to write his 习字 and complete his homework at night cos she din bother to ask him to finish these during the day. I tried to explain that my daughter's load is much heavier. My time spent was revising her on the syllabus rather than to sit there watching her doing her homework. I also highlight to her that i need to spend more time with her as she has lots of mini tests during the year.. and also my son is only 5 years old.. we want him to enjoy now before going to K2 next yr where the load will be heavier.

Then the topic got side tracked to accusations of us I'll treating my son. Her rational is simple... kids shd survive on milk powder... I told her that a 5 years old shd not have 5 portions of milk in their diet... it is too much.. but she insisted that she is correct because she has raised 2 children.. she blamed me for my son's stomach and diarrhea. . Citing that my son won't have diarrhea nor stomach when she is at home.. citing that we don't want to spend money buying milk powder. . Do you how how fast is the consumption of the 1.8kg milk powder? Within a week. That is scary...

Then she starts to get personal. Saying that we don't know how to teach my daughter because my daughter will talk back to her.. as for my son (her only grand son) will follow all her instructions obediently.... then she divert the topic to my sibling. Commenting on my younger brother's occupation. . Saying that it is of low class... blah blah blah.. my brother is working in health sector and he also has a master degree (though is not from local uni).... then she continued to infer that my parents don't know how to teach us. ... blah blah blah...

I snapped upon hearing this... then the conversation diverted to my elder brother. . She said that he is also useless cos he can't stay in singapore to work .. blah blah blah.. excuse me, I really don't know her definition of useless...my brother is a regional director of a 5 star hotel ... is his career classified as useless? My elder brother was posted out of singapore due to his promotion. From local to SEA and now is East Asia director.. he is currently in HK because the East Asia office is in HK... btw he is a local degree holder with sponsored MBA and a few certification. ..

The conversation went on n on... till I got fed up that I treated her invisible. .

I am praying everyday that one day she will choose to leave us alone. Really leave use alone because currently she will also check on us on our activities during weekends or days whereby we don't need her to come over. She will asked my kids what did we do, what we eat and the content of our conversation...

PS: Both her children are not high flyer. Normal working class ..
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Actually... it's like that one... if you want them to help, you have to tolerate their interference. They feel they have the right to say yes and no, right or wrong because you are asking them for a favour and they believe they got more experience than you. Bo bian.

Only solution is to prepare to send kids to childcare or you look after them yourself. Then you can tell them your own kids, you will teach them your own way. Tell them not to interfere.

I'm very lucky my MIL was someone who had the guts to tell her own MIL that she wants to bring up her own kids her way... so she will understand what I am coming from. But because of her character, I actually don't have any issues leaving the kids with her... she prob WILL do a better job than me LOL!
 
@icey48 if you need her help to take care of your children, then really bo bian have to endure her shit... just like if you need a job, also need to endure your boss' shit... if really cannot tolerate, best is ask her not to take care of your children. perhaps find other resources ba....

if argue or quarrel with elderly, no matter what will be our fault. because we do not respect them. so normally i will just cut people off instead of arguing or quarreling with them :p but heng, my parents in law do not really disturb me & my partner also block alot of stuffs from me. i only need to fence off my parents.
 
Hi all.

My daughter is currently in student care.

Well we tried to tell her that we want to send my son to child care. And you know what was her response? She said she will bring my son back to her house (in the west) and only return my son to me when he is old enough. ..

I told her no... then she continue saying we don't know how to take care of children... blah blah blah.. she said she can don't come but I must let my son to stay with her.

Sometimes I really can't help but to have the great dislike towards her... sound cruel..

My husband will just flare at both of us then locked himself in the room..
 
icey48 said:
Hi all.

My daughter is currently in student care.

Well we tried to tell her that we want to send my son to child care. And you know what was her response? She said she will bring my son back to her house (in the west) and only return my son to me when he is old enough. ..

I told her no... then she continue saying we don't know how to take care of children... blah blah blah.. she said she can don't come but I must let my son to stay with her.

Sometimes I really can't help but to have the great dislike towards her... sound cruel..

My husband will just flare at both of us then locked himself in the room..
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Sounds like your husband does not know or want to deal with this. Tell him your action plan and tell him you will handle it since he is unable to say no to his mom. But ask him to agree with your action plan so she cannot sow discord between you and your hubby. If both of you are united, nothing much she can do.

You should put your foot down. Make it clear in no uncertain terms that the kid is yours and she has no right to take the kid to her house, or to demand for anything regarding the kid.

She can either participate in the kid's growing up with due respect accorded to you as the mother, or be prepared that you will cut her off.

Sigh.
 
@icey48 did u ask your mil what's her reasons for not sending your son to CC? Tell her send to to CC can learn more things.
" bring your son back to her house and return back when older', sorry but what kind of stupid answer is she giving... unless your mil is in educational line n can do home teaching to your son then its ok. If not, can just tell her that she is being selfish by keeping your son away from learning opportunities.
 
@icey48 your mil does sounds abit like mine, but she don't accuse me straight in the face. she would say "last time my son (name) drink milk until 10yrs", "last time he suck pacifier until 9yrs", "last time he is a very good boy", "last time he is very easy to look after", "last time when he is naughty, i ask him to kneel infront of the altar", etc.
she thinks she is very smart but the methods all she is using is 1940xx, haha.
she expects my boys take milk powder till how old??? they are already 5 & 8 now, i already give them drink from those milk packets liao. she always want them to drink 3x a day. -_-
also, she expects us to sit beside #1 when he is doing his wk, zzzzz!! if not, she will sit beside him as if she understand what he is doing.
but the only good thing is you don't have to face her every weekends whereas me..........gonna stuck with her for the rest of HER life.
 
Hi there, im newly married here, and seriously my life changed 180 in that time
I came online to look for support...already been having dips/constant argument in my relationship with hb due to my mil/pil

sigh...i couldn't believe the similarities of some of the experiences here. i think my mil is just nasty, she bitches about my sil (her other son's wife) to everyone who listens and tells my hb that she wants to stay with us down the road. well, she might do the same thing to me * shudder*
now, she stays & takes care of everything for my sil but complains this & that

my hb sides with her, and now he thinks that im no good if i say anything abt her mother. I know its good to have some one reliable to help out one day, but with her character & stories i heard, i dunno what to think of for the near future
 
memy said:
Hi there, im newly married here, and seriously my life changed 180 in that time
I came online to look for support...already been having dips/constant argument in my relationship with hb due to my mil/pil

sigh...i couldn't believe the similarities of some of the experiences here. i think my mil is just nasty, she bitches about my sil (her other son's wife) to everyone who listens and tells my hb that she wants to stay with us down the road. well, she might do the same thing to me * shudder*
now, she stays & takes care of everything for my sil but complains this & that

my hb sides with her, and now he thinks that im no good if i say anything abt her mother. I know its good to have some one reliable to help out one day, but with her character & stories i heard, i dunno what to think of for the near future
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Welcome to the ranting thread. It helps to know that we are not alone in our plight. You are a newly wed so no baby yet.. Try to plan that you don't have to rely on pil to help care for future babies. I initially thought mil can help with my first baby.. Nope. Never again. I took over fully. She still pesters me a few times a day but she is aware that i can raise my baby without her. Second baby coming, we're getting a nanny to assist me.
 
Hi Karoosel, thanks
my HB says that if his mother wants to stay with them (reportedly the other son n wife not treating her well), then he will do as she wish
Hb is a "filial son" which is not a bad thing , but in this situation it is not good for me haha

i used to envy those who had mil to help out and cook.....but now, im not sure if that is a good thing entirely or not
 
@memy its common that mil will bitch about her own dil to others esp when she has 2 dil to compare with.
If your mil complaint might be on the household chores she had to do and your sil never help out.
My mil's trophy and wife used to stay with her. My mil will bitch to others that the trophy's wife doesn't make her own bed when wake up, etc... Mil are all the same, when their son married they expect the son's wife to help out in doing simple household chores, aka become a maid for them.
Doesn't matter whether we stay or don't stay with them, mil will still be bitching us to other people or even their own relatives.
 
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Omg @bbayblue this is what exactly happened!!
But, i try not to judge, before i see with my own own eyes. mil bitch tons lolz and said that sil never did help with washing up dishes after mil cooked (she cooked everyday by the way, lucky sil), never sweep her own room, wash clothes, give only little $$ etc)
well, i did saw that sil never do her dishes , her room was a mess among others, and i know the amount of $$ given so i know that part of what mil said is true. In this case mil seems to be the "worker"
I was thinking what was my bil doing then? why was he getting away scot free o_O

there was a point when mil got us (me and hb) so stressed up with her complaints that we tried to find ways to help her, ie give her suggestion, hb ask her to stay with us instead in near future etc. I even tell her to talk with that family on her issues. But, in the end u know what she said? She said she don't want to say anything & herself willing to do all the chores she complained about ** faint
So, now also i don't bother with her complaints anymore coz no point (there is no resolution taken). Its just too stressful and my hb used to be ok/ agree with me commenting her mom (in an opinion way) but now he gets agigated *sigh

that's the family culture i married into where everybody just keeps quiet (supposedly to keep the peace) :rolleyes:
 
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When dil married into the family, mil will expect the dil to do household chores if not cook for the family. To mil, their son don't do household is ok, but the dil cannot don't do.
Doing household chores start from young. If your sil don't do household chores from young, then when she grows up she also won't do it. So maybe in your sil's family, either she has a maid in her own family or she is the youngest in the family where her own mother does everything for her.
My sil doesn't do any household chores and doesn't know how to cook, so when she stays with my mil she treats herself like a guest. N eventually she moves out n get her own house. From what I know both my bil and his wife are the lazy kind who doesn't like to do household chores. So you can imagine the condition of the place they stay in.
I understand how your mil felt, esp if she is the kind that cannot stand lazy people and dirty house she will feel frustrated why your sil doesn't help out. Only way is complaint to the other son and ask the son to tell the wife.
 
hi @bbabyblue, this story of ur sil/bil rang exactly like mine, except that they also don't fetch the kids to school/tuition too as they will sleep in late instead. FIL was tasked with all the running around at an old age and he willingly does it coz he dotes on his first grandkids so much, sometimes i wonder if there will be any love left for my future kids * fingers crossed

SIL is one of the younger siblings and came from average family. I think she has installed herself as the "new queen" and no, the bil lets the wife do almost anything she wants. He is the bo chap type so talking to him will not do.

I am appalled & did pity my mil and wanted to help by talking with my hb, he said the only way is to take mil to stay with us. I don't mind, just that i don't like the way she bitch about people, instead of talking/discussing directly. That is not the way to resolve any matters. However, mil now did not mention again to move in with us, but instead moved in to my bil's new hse recently to help with the chores and kids as usual.

Anywy, my hb ask me strictly not to interfere anymore, and i also don't have the "power" too, as im still 'outsider". Any problem/issues im sure I will be blamed first. FIL wants them to help out that family as much as they can now (his words) even though they are doing well financially etc.
I rest my case.

Sorry for side-tracking slightly, but its good to finally be able to vent and have someone totally get it :D I think im going :eek: if I dont lolz. I don't talk much with my "extended family" now just mostly keep silent
Thanks @bbabyblue
 
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@memy no worries, feel free to vent in here. My situation will be similar to your bil n sil. Just that I don't like to rely on my pil for help. My kids are their first grandchildren, n my fil is totally obsessed with my dd. Every time want to drive her to sch when I m the one who fetch her via Public transport. Said want to give my dd journey to sch more comfortable, said take public transport very dangerous, etc.. I got so fed up that I told my husband, if the old folks no longer around how? Next time our dd will grow up being pamper saying she wants to have comfortable journey to sch, then he better make sure he can afford the money to let her take taxi everyday.
Now your mil never mentioned about moving in to stay with you is because she still want to see the grandchildren, so even if she don't like the behavior of your sil she also have to bear cos for the seek of seeing n taking care of grandchildren.
Having grandparents to dote is nice, but overly dote will be dangerous cos kids won't be respectful to parents anymore, there won't be any bonding that's for sure. N when the old folks are gone, kids will compare n said last time grandpa/ grandma give me this how come now cannot.
If your bil n sil still want to continue with the bo chap attitude, good luck to them. When their kids become a spoilt brat don't blame anyone for that.
My pil are the educated kind, so when have conversations with their own sons will be about policies, economy, wars, inflation, etc.. they guys will not talk about their own problems. I don't think is practice in my husband's family, where if you have issues you talk directly.
For instance, my pil have been wanting their trophy to give them a grandchild so many years have passed n still waiting esp my mil. She dotes the trophy more than my husband, but never ask him directly why don't have kids.
Just curious, are you in any talking term with your sil? Some pple will want others to tell them things they should do esp when staying with in laws, instead of their own partner to tell them
 
i see, thanks for your insights on the matter.
I m pretty new to this family dynamics & i was also brought up in a family where direct discussion can be held with sibling/ family so i was initially upset with things.
I think the damage has been done already by mil, fIL would also sometimes vent about sil too but things will remain the same. I don't have a good impression of that couple already from what i knew and seen since.
I don't think you are the same with my sil/bil - as they never bother to wake up early to send their kids. Its bo chap attitude which i've seen few times on other things too
We don't meet up so often, probably few mths once during occasions at their hse (pil mostly) & long cny. Now its mostly hi bye/small talk as i don't feel want to initiate further conversations/ no interest/ no common ground
I think my sil is purposely letting pil do all the work, eg i think its in good spirit/kind to help wash up after having a meal cooked for you, even occasionally. I did sometimes help mil. As for the $, mil was just given a few hundred per mth for all the work and cooking. So, based on own conscience should know what to do already without needing to be told, in my opinion. Further, they r older than me. My hb did say out some matter long time ago to his bro, but he just bo chap too

Sometimes, i do wonder why the mil wants to create such a rift between her only 2 sons' family by constant bitching at the back. If she willing to do it, then take it as it comes. Maybe im overly sensitive but i do feel that perhaps mil wants to re-gain a certain amount of "control" in the dynamics or she is really unhappy or she just like to bitch for fun?
@bbabyblue What's your advice /opinion on handling relationships with them? :D
 
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Frankly speaking, when I see family with only 2 boys the r/s of the sibling won't be close when they grow up. Like what my cousin will say his 'neighbour' aka his own bro even thou staying under the same roof. When young, playing, fighting and quarreling is normal among siblings. But man will always be man, they tend to have different thinking when they grow up. If they are the kind that don't like to talk and the age gap between the 2 bro are big, the distance apart will become bigger. There's isn't much the wife can do, as its all depend how the parents brought up their own kids when they are young.
My bil is older than me by 6yrs, the wife is only 1 yr older than me. My bil is overall is ok, will make small talk with me and will play with my kids. Its the wife that cannot make it. Even thou she is older her behaviour and mindset is very childish. If you said you know this and that or have this and that. She will want to challenge you, said she also know this and that, even better than you, etc... she also lack of table manners, when go to restaurant n food is served she will be the first one who grab the food for herself n her husband. Leaving almost nothing for the rest of the pple on the table. N during meals she will be busy talking or texting away on the phone. Damm disgusting with these kind of pple, so I rather eat first at home than attending this kind of lunch/ dinner gathering cos no food to eat n will get hungry.
My mil feedback to my husband that she hopes that my kids be closer to her trophy and want the 2 dil to talk. Told my husband basically in term of religion we already difference, plus the wife cannot cook, don't like children, is frequent job hopper, what else can we talk? N at the end of the day, my kids won't be close to them cos they hardly meet up for meal gathering. If my mil asked my bil n wife to meetup there will be some crap excuses from them. One of the most stupid reason, the wife's cousin no food to eat, need to accompany her cos parents in overseas. :eek:
Told my husband is the effort of the other person as well. If the other person never put in effort no matter how hard u try to bring the family together also no use. I told him at the end of the day, our kids will be closer to my side. As every weekend I will bring them back over to my parent's place and my sibling even though not married likes to play with my kids and help me take care of them. When my siblings go overseas or go shopping if they find something nice they will buy for my kids.
For your current situation, just treat your pil, bil n sil like neighbour. Don't need to say so much to them, cos nothing will help. Its their 家事。But if you have kids of your own, your pil attention will be diverse away ( hopefully) away from your nephews/ niece. But prepare for another episode of drama from mil. ;)
 
@bbabyblue my bil will try to make small talk occasionally, but i think they are selfish sometimes. Eg is they expect us to fetch them (+ kids+ pil) somewhere using * my car" without asking me. FIL ask my hb as if that's his car. At the end, their kids left a mess in my car eventho i repeatedly tell them *faint. and don't talk about having dinners outside, most of the time my bil just looks at his phone, while my hb pays for the full amount. we are just 2 ppl now, and they have 2 kids leh
there's plenty of occassions whereby my hb is the generous one. I sometimes think that its not fair if all the pil do is care for the other family. they have been having pil support from the start, mostly financial , accommodation etc. while we don't have that kind of support
financially- i would say we r on about the same level, but my bil might be better off with all that support

bbayblue - is your pil helping u out or u do it with other helper?
 
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@memy next time tell your husband to split the bill with his bro in front of everyone then there's no way he can reject it or act blur.
If the kids make the car messy, then just before letting your bil use the car make it messy. Tell him, its the act of his own children and tell him you think there might be some cockroaches, etc.(bluff him).. inside the car as well. If he don't mind, can use the car and before returning it to you send the car for internal and external car wash as well. :p
I have helper to help out, but my mil once awhile drop by place to oversee things.
Is your bil your pil's son? If so, the old folks will usually give in to almost everything even though they don't like the sight of it, be it whether your bil gives little $ to them or the wife is lazy never do household chores.
 
Hi @bbabyblue yup my bil is my pil's son. Thks for ur suggestions but they dun work actually ;) . I've told my hb not to always be the paying one but he brushed me off and say he treat it like he treat his parents for meals instead of like his bro. well, hb's the elder one, n i think he feels its his responsibility loh
As for the mess in the car, their parents act like nothing. Pity me haha i hope i don't have to do it again for ungrateful ppl

ya, agree with u, they give in to everything but complains pitifully at the back to us Lol. it's so hypocrite loh & stressful. I'd rather not know then. no eye see, no ears, no talk :rolleyes:

hows ur situation at your home then? everything ok most of the time now?
 
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@memy ,sorry I meant by is your bil your mil favourite son? If favorite son, treatment given be difference from your husband.
Anyway, have PM you ;)
 
Hi all, reading all the posts, am really lucky that my mil and fil both are really nice people, we don't stay together, but during my confinement, both of them came over to my house early in the morning without fail just to cook and look after me. After my maternity, my mil taking care of my baby. Every morning I will bring my baby over to her place. We are just like friends.. always chat on anything. Too bad they are not staying with me. But stay with their elder son. Always felt that 家有一老，如有一宝。
 
How I love school holidays... My MIL will not be coming to stay with us. Instead, we will send the kids over. I would say lesser friction during this period. But lesser doesn't mean no friction..

I don't know what is she thinking recently.. Just because the neighborhood made a comment that my daughter is small for her age, she starts her micromanagement again... I don't think my daughter is small size. She is ard 50 - 75 percentile. She eats proper meals and don't snack. Maybe this is the reason why she is not肉肉。 And the size of the kids are largely due to genes. If her son is not tall, will her grandchildren be very tall?? She starts to query what I do to make my daughter to be so small size... She is hinting that I I've I'll treat my daughter.. Crazy..

Think she rather believe what other says than to trust us. 1 moment wanted us to send the kids to swimming lessons because so and so can swim so well.. But the next moment she started to question us why do we send the kids to swimming because her Indian neighbor says swimming is useless.

She change her mind now and then. Always blame us for not sending kids to this enrichment and that enrichment.. Does she need to be so Kiasu? My kids have been attending 4 different classes (outside school) every week. Still not enough?

@bbabyblue my MIL is not educated. She can't even supervise a K1 kids to complete 习字。 I won't expect her to teach my kids. All she knows is to push them to enrichment classes.

I can foresee that my marriage will break down because of her. My husband also can't stand her... When my husband starts to reason with her, she will start her soap opera again... she will start 想当年 how I save to bring you up... Blah blah blah... Now you become like this.... So rude.. Blah blah blah... Shd have kill you when you were born... Blah blah blah...

:confused::confused::confused:
 
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@icey48 my mil is also the same, keep saying my dd is very thin. Said must give her more food, must let her eat more of this n that. She forgot that my dd adopt my genes, not hers.
Mine mil isn't any better. She is highly educated but yet push my dd to strive for the best in everything. N everyday asking me n hb to find new CC, said current one is lousy. Said is not SPARK accredited, cannot meet MOE standard, etc... its seem like she is the mother to my dd n not me.
 
I can't stand my mil and Fil, period.
Both are best at giving comments on what you should do and how things should be, however, both are best at standing at goal line and criticise.
No action expected from them, for their Favourite quote, ' both of you can settle on your own'
yet, expected Hubby to eyeball his younger siblings, who by the way are all legal adults. Hubby has the best temperament ever and gives in to every whims and whines.
Tried to be as patient as possible toward them.
Expect hubby to ask after younger siblings when they go for overseas trips etc and give red packets and send them to airport, we are talking about legal adults, not some 10 yo.
Only my patient hubby can stand them and give in to them. I know I should be nice and accommodating, however the terrible treatment and the ridiculous double standards just makes all effort to be nice a waste of time.
 
Hi ladies, I m new to this forum. Just hoping to find a place to rant my unhappiness about my MIL. Looking at some of your stories, most of you have MILs who are still strong and healthy unlike mine. My mil is a negative person. When she was still able to walk and talk, she never failed to be negative with everything. It can be ranging from my DS to my Hb. Luckily we didnt stay together. I tried not to go to her place for dinner. Only my hb and DS. She loved to worry about things which might not happened. Over worried.. always enjoy gossiping with her market friends .. comparing notes why must other people's son travel as part of their job has higher salary, why must hb company didnt give him a better benefits etc. Everytime also asked me the same thing as if I could answer . All these happened until one year ago she was down with a rare illness which eventually leading her to loss of speech and bedridden. We got a maid for her beginning of this year. It is really an extra expenses for both me and my hb because we dont earn much. But we try to come up with the extra expenses so that someone can look after her, who asks my hb is the only child. Instead of u understanding how tough is your dear son and DIL working hard to pay off all the expenses. And you, yourself cannot help them out anymore with their 8yo son. You should stay positive as there is a maid there for u. My 8yo son only goes to her house around 3pm after school, the maid just need to fetch and cook for him till my hus fetches him at 7pm. Just a few hours at her place. Last Monday, when i went over, I couldnt believe my MIL used her 3-legged walking cane to swing at my son just because he was trying to make her laugh with his mischevious acts. Luckily it missed and the cane dropped on the floor.She feel terrible when she laughs because she cannot control as her muscles has degenerated. I left her place feeling upset and disappointed with her behaviour. I asked my DS was that the first time he was being treated like that. He said No. It has been a few times.
That night, I decided to put him in a student care when the new school term starts, i dont want my DS to live in such environment thinking when someone is angry, they can throw anything on their hands to another party. Worst still, my hb thinks his mum was right to do that just because she was sick and depressed.
I manage to find a vacancy in a student care which I have to pay $360 monthly. Another extra expenses again. It is so depressing I have to pay a share of the maid for my MIL and now the student care. I do that just to share to my hb burden.
I m not sure how to increase my income as my co is not doing well and what if i get laid off. There are a lot of worries from my side too. On the dark side, I secretly hope my MIL condition gets worst and pass on so I dont need the maid anymore. Anyway maid woes is another problem for me. I bet most of u all are still luckier than me.
 
I suggest for MiserableDIL to continue with sending your child to your MIL hse, and its true when you are sick and not well you get fustrated easily so may tend to get violent with your kid when he tries to mess round. If your kid is quite old and strong, can seek the maid help to keep them seperate, to avoid any disputes or accidents. Unfortunately this is the case with a single child, esle you can seek govt help to put your MIL in special nursing home. Need a doctor to certify her condition before an appropriate day care or nursing care is allocated to you at subsidised rate.
FYI, my grandparent has mild dementia and its taxing on my parents to look after him, so since my parents are retirees with no income, they managed to get good subsidies to enrol my grandparent in day care. estimated to be $400+ a month. But he comes back every night to sleep and have dinner. weekends stay in.
 
Wish to vent my misery on my MIL too
Currently staying with my MIL.. she is super petty and jealous. Whenever my HB help me with housework, she will show me black face.
My mother is taking care of my baby when I am working and bring back after knock off. During weekends, when we are bring BB out, return home, kena black face from her again.
When me and HB around, only teach my BB to call papa... never mention about mama. When MIL carry BB, pass over to my HB, she will say, Papa carry you. When pass over to me, she will keep quiet and just pass my BB over. What is wrong with her mind? BB to close or recognise me as a mom, any problem with that??
Anything about taking care BB, how much milk, what time to feed, what solids to feed, what clothes to wear.. EVERY single thing also want to poke her nose in to make decision.
when BB tired, we put her to bed... she will comment, why so early? When its milk time, we prepare milk.. she will comment, why give now? BB no cry, why give milk? after feeding solids, we give BB some milk after a couple of hours, we normally give the same amount, let BB take how much she want.. MIL will comment, why make full feed? little bit will do.. ask me to give BB only less than half of her normal feed.
When its us at home, she will just put my BB in walker or cot, she will just do her own stuffs. But when BIL and SIL is home for meals or gathering, she will put up a show and carry my BB and play, giggle and laugh, as though she is very close and sayang my BB. *sick*

I do not wish to make things difficult in the family as my HB is getting upset about me complaining about his mom all the time.
 
Hi. I'm currently feeling extremely heartache. Mil has been teaching my 15mth old to call her mama despite me trying to tell her that mama is me. It's very heart breaking when my Son calls her mama the same way he calls me. That I'm now hiding in my room crying.
I think she went overboard because she never taught her on children to call grannies mama but ah Ma.
This means a lot to me. I tried so hard for a baby, to so painstakingly carry and give birth to one. Only to have him being taught calling someone else mama.

I'm awfully disgusted by it. And the fact that she comes over every day irks me to the core.
 
jooo said:
Hi. I'm currently feeling extremely heartache. Mil has been teaching my 15mth old to call her mama despite me trying to tell her that mama is me. It's very heart breaking when my Son calls her mama the same way he calls me. That I'm now hiding in my room crying.
I think she went overboard because she never taught her on children to call grannies mama but ah Ma.
This means a lot to me. I tried so hard for a baby, to so painstakingly carry and give birth to one. Only to have him being taught calling someone else mama.

I'm awfully disgusted by it. And the fact that she comes over every day irks me to the core.
Click to expand...

Jooo.. I can understand how you feel. Don't cry * pat on the shoulder *
I think they have the old fashion selfish thinking of wanting the grandchildren to be close to them rather than the mother. Scared that their grandchildren stick to mom side instead of them ( the father side )
Or simply, they don't wish their grandchildren to be close to the person they don't like ( which is us, the DILs )
Your son is your son, this fact will never change. Brace yourself up and tell your son , in front of your MIL.. in a "teaching" and smiling manner: I am your mama, that is your ah ma... must call correcrly, ok ?
 
jooo said:
Hi. I'm currently feeling extremely heartache. Mil has been teaching my 15mth old to call her mama despite me trying to tell her that mama is me. It's very heart breaking when my Son calls her mama the same way he calls me. That I'm now hiding in my room crying.
I think she went overboard because she never taught her on children to call grannies mama but ah Ma.
This means a lot to me. I tried so hard for a baby, to so painstakingly carry and give birth to one. Only to have him being taught calling someone else mama.

I'm awfully disgusted by it. And the fact that she comes over every day irks me to the core.
Click to expand...



Hi

Maybe your mil is teaching bb to say grandma as in ah ma? I always teach my bb to call my mil as ah ma ma. Don't worry your precious bb will know who is his mommy.
 
Yeah. I tried correcting him in front of mil before. Many times in a day. She didn't get it. Or she chose to ignore it. I don't know man. But at this age. 15mths, he can't differentiate the diff tone of mama. I find that she's just confusing him.

What can i do? Suck it up man. Hopefully he understands when he grows up. I really hope.
 
jooo said:
Hi. I'm currently feeling extremely heartache. Mil has been teaching my 15mth old to call her mama despite me trying to tell her that mama is me. It's very heart breaking when my Son calls her mama the same way he calls me. That I'm now hiding in my room crying.
I think she went overboard because she never taught her on children to call grannies mama but ah Ma.
This means a lot to me. I tried so hard for a baby, to so painstakingly carry and give birth to one. Only to have him being taught calling someone else mama.

I'm awfully disgusted by it. And the fact that she comes over every day irks me to the core.
Click to expand...

My kids called my mil 'mama' cos for Cantonese, mama is paternal grandma. At first I am not used to it but after they are able to talk well, they differentiate by calling me mummy instead. Don't worry lah. Your son will know who is his mummy dearest as he grow.
 
jooo said:
Yeah. I tried correcting him in front of mil before. Many times in a day. She didn't get it. Or she chose to ignore it. I don't know man. But at this age. 15mths, he can't differentiate the diff tone of mama. I find that she's just confusing him.

What can i do? Suck it up man. Hopefully he understands when he grows up. I really hope.
Click to expand...
he will... definitely... there is always a difference between grandmother and mother. don't worry
 
jooo said:
Yeah. I tried correcting him in front of mil before. Many times in a day. She didn't get it. Or she chose to ignore it. I don't know man. But at this age. 15mths, he can't differentiate the diff tone of mama. I find that she's just confusing him.

What can i do? Suck it up man. Hopefully he understands when he grows up. I really hope.
Click to expand...

Hi Jooo, yeah, probably "mama" stands for grandma in another dialect aka Cantonese. Probably u can teach ur son to call u mummy instead. Sometimes mil are ignorant and even though i've not stayed with PIL yet, MIL has been hinting to my hb that she wants to 'help' us out instead. According to her, the sil/ bil do not treat her well
 
pinkylove said:
Wish to vent my misery on my MIL too
Currently staying with my MIL.. she is super petty and jealous. Whenever my HB help me with housework, she will show me black face.
My mother is taking care of my baby when I am working and bring back after knock off. During weekends, when we are bring BB out, return home, kena black face from her again.
When me and HB around, only teach my BB to call papa... never mention about mama. When MIL carry BB, pass over to my HB, she will say, Papa carry you. When pass over to me, she will keep quiet and just pass my BB over. What is wrong with her mind? BB to close or recognise me as a mom, any problem with that??
Anything about taking care BB, how much milk, what time to feed, what solids to feed, what clothes to wear.. EVERY single thing also want to poke her nose in to make decision.
when BB tired, we put her to bed... she will comment, why so early? When its milk time, we prepare milk.. she will comment, why give now? BB no cry, why give milk? after feeding solids, we give BB some milk after a couple of hours, we normally give the same amount, let BB take how much she want.. MIL will comment, why make full feed? little bit will do.. ask me to give BB only less than half of her normal feed.
When its us at home, she will just put my BB in walker or cot, she will just do her own stuffs. But when BIL and SIL is home for meals or gathering, she will put up a show and carry my BB and play, giggle and laugh, as though she is very close and sayang my BB. *sick*

I do not wish to make things difficult in the family as my HB is getting upset about me complaining about his mom all the time.
Click to expand...

MIL's usually will target the DIL's first instead of own son if they r unhappy. I have personal experience of mil always complaining abt sil , blaming her for things. But i think bil also played a main part. Both bil/ sil stays with my PIL and very dependant on PIL for most things :rolleyes: Don't worry this is pretty normal, jus ignore her 'black face' and continue be happy/ smiling. Over time, probably she will realise nobody is paying attention to her 'black face'. The more she thinks she can 'affect' u, the more she will do her 'black face' ...
is your son the 1st grandkid? Probably she is over-anxious, but she should know her place
 
jooo said:
Hi. I'm currently feeling extremely heartache. Mil has been teaching my 15mth old to call her mama despite me trying to tell her that mama is me. It's very heart breaking when my Son calls her mama the same way he calls me. That I'm now hiding in my room crying.
I think she went overboard because she never taught her on children to call grannies mama but ah Ma.
This means a lot to me. I tried so hard for a baby, to so painstakingly carry and give birth to one. Only to have him being taught calling someone else mama.

I'm awfully disgusted by it. And the fact that she comes over every day irks me to the core.
Click to expand...
First things first.. *high 5* to you because I know exactly how you feel as my mil insists on being mama/mah mah even though they are not cantonese. She knows perfectly well that I myself call her mama as my mil and I also call my own mum "mama". It feels like a punch in the gut everytime she insists but... There is light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like the best way to avoid conflict is to live separately. Less contact, less headache..
 
Hey, same here. My crazy MIL even called herself mummy to my child a few times and called me grandma once. She must be really kuku to think she is still young and fertile at her old age!!

And when my child first called papa and mama, she said it is calling my hubby and her. She can say what she likes but I know better my child is calling me rather than her.

Take it as they are insecure people who need validation and all.

I only got pissed when my hubby said to let it (mama) be her when my child call out. I argued and asked why should he allow her to rob me of the chance to have my child first word be her? And it is not even her to begin with when my child is obviously calling me and is not close to her. Kuku family!!

He agreed and now no more reference to her. Mama is me. And she can wait long long for my child to call her coz I won't teach her to call her.
 
my MIL is cantonese, but we call all the grandmas popo, not the cantonese "ma-ma". after i had my 1st child, she also referred herself as "ma-ma" to my child... But i always change it to popo~ so my kids now call her popo too. :p

i have to admit, i was quite bad to my MIL when i had my 1st child. because my MIL was very possessive and showed up almost daily from the day i delivered. she will come to my place after work and wont leave until 9 to 10pm. if baby sleeping she will wake her up to play with her. after some time, i started to show her my black face directly... she got the hint and reduced the frequency of her visits to every weekend, but i didnt like it too cos weekends are the only time i have with my child the entire day. i wanted family time but she would stay at my place on weekends till late, or if we go out she will want to tag along and hold my baby all the way.

my MIL slowly sensed that i didnt like her, so she really didn't pop over to my place much, only once a month.... only after the passing of her mother (hus' maternal grandma), i felt bad as she didn't have relatives in SG and 2 brothers who stay very far, and also married with own families. So i gave in and involved her occassionally whenever we go out. well then i realized she's not a bad person to get along with. although now that i've "opened up" more to her.. she did start to come over my place frequently again, but i find it's also a good chance for me to go out 2-3 hrs for a quick movie with my hus, or do my facial, etc. most imptly i know she dotes on my kids, so i will just close an eye regardless of what she says or do... sometimes old folks speak their minds but they might not mean it.

my hus will always think about including MIL whenever we have plans to go anywhere like the beach, or any places of interest. so it works best if i am also accomodating to them.
 
kayliz, you're lucky in the sense that your MIL isn't a bad person. She even acknowledges your black face to know you're unhappy. MY MIL is the one giving us black face whenever she is in a bad mood. She even did that one the 1st meeting with my parents.

And she thinks its our obligation to go over every week and we do. But sometimes, we want to meet our friends and not go over and she'll surely throw temper by midweek.

And yes, she speaks her mind for sure by letting everyone in the room knows she dislikes me and she has no choice because she cannot choose wives for her sons.

I have come to accept she is a tormented soul, by virtue of her own doing. So, yes, that's her hell and she can live like that til the day she dies. And mind you, she has her husband who dotes on her and give in to her whims and temper but nothing is ever enough for her.
 
haiz MIL issues :( really hate it to the core. nothing much can be done because our HB is gonna be stuck in the middle.

im not a mother yet and while i really want to start a family, the 1 thing that is holding me back is that I am still staying with my PIL.

My MIL casually mentioned before that when i have a child, he/she is going to sleep together with her (which i dun understand why) and went i feedback to my HB, he was saying if no choice then 'take turns'. i was like.. u kidding me right? and i told him i am SUPER against whatever stupid ideas or suggestions his mum has. Of course, he told me "okokok then we will just do things the way he want". but then again, the real issue isnt even happening yet. what IF my MIL really insist on my 'future' child sleeping with her? this is ultimate nonsense.

plus my MIL has this 'self entitlement' thingy that just because she's the mum of my HB and my SIL, she has the rights for everything. yes i agree we have to respect our parents but she's really playing the self-entitlement card and tbh, she;s really really really... lazy. i don't think i would want my child to grow up in that environment.

she has already drop like 101 hints to us on how she can't wait to be a grandma but i choose to act like i don't catch what she's trying to say. sigh.
 
I totally get you. I think it's a power struggle issue to them. Nobody is fighting with them for their son but they think they are losing their child once they get married. And want to exert their power by being nasty.

Best to stay apart. My MIL kept asking us to go TCM after we got engaged and 1 mth after our wedding and when she found out that we haven't gone yet, she said sarcastically that we are "damn good".

Hubby and I wanted our 1st year to be child free but thought we should try since we were both 35 then. And tio first time before taking TCM medz. TCM doc said I so weak how to give birth some more. Tsk. At least this shut MIL up as we have a child and I am pregnant with no. 2 now. I am not offended by her regarding this but I really think she is a very rude person. She even send us in the family group chat not to have sex during pregnancy as it'll harm the kid. This is how rude she can get and how interfering she is.
 
Last edited:
MistyCloud said:
I totally get you. I think it's a power struggle issue to them. Nobody is fighting with them for their son but they think they are losing their child once they get married. And want to exert their power by being nasty.

Best to stay apart. My MIL kept asking us to go TCM after we got engaged and 1 mth after our wedding and when she found out that we haven't gone yet, she said sarcastically that we are "damn good".

Hubby and I wanted our 1st year to be child free but thought we should try since we were both 35 then. And tio first time before taking TCM medz. TCM doc said I so weak how to give birth some more. Tsk. At least this shut MIL up as we have a child and I am pregnant with no. 2 now. I am not offended by her regarding this but I really think she is a very rude person.She even send us in the family group chat not to have sex during pregnancy as it'll harm the kid. This is how rude she can get and how interfering she is.
Click to expand...
That last part (ack!) :eek: so awkard :p
 


Ya lo, sometimes see her as entertainment and forget it. But recently, maybe coz preggy and I a bit more irritated with her and fought with hubby a few times coz of it.

Sigh... gotta learn to let go more.
 
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