child custody and arrangement

[leezaizad]

Dear mummies who have went tru divorce

I am going to file for my divorce next week. I have made up my mind that I do not want to continue my life with this man. I and my husband married because I had his child. I guess he was never in love with me even before. We were only friends with benefits not in a relationship before marriage so you can raftly imagine. I went tru my first pregnancy wothout him as he doesnt accept. He didnt belive that i was pregnant with his child. But after i gave birth he magically appeared and returned. I bear no grudges against him and accepted him back willingly. Even after marriage, he have a hard time having sex with me. That made me very insecure, impatient and feel that everything is wrong. I began my difficult mood swings and jealousy all because of the lack of attention given. Nevertheless, I am not here to story about my pitiful marriage life. But what is more important to me now is, my question is,

Can I arrange on my own for how the child custody and arrangement will be taken place? I know that my husband will not fight for custody of my kids as we have been separated for many times already. Longest time is about 3 months. And he didnt even bother to visit me and his kids, but he claims to my parents that he cries to his mother missing his children but just swallow it (only god knows). I know the normal arrangements is whereby my children will be with me tru the weekdays, and weekends will be given to their father. As in overnight at his place. I am strongly against this arrangement. If I disagree, what can I do to ensure this does not happen? My husband brother is divorced too and his children are girls also every weekends and school holidays will sleep over their father's place. I saw how it is. How my husband family talks about the kids mother. Not only that, I see how the kids hear their divorced parents fight everytime they were returned home late, or they have a disagreement about something. Betterstill when their uncles start saying things like "You dont bring your mother's attitude in this house ok!" or "Your mother teach you how to be like this right?" the horror. How their father still works even during sundays and will be taken of the kids grandparents at home.

My sons is only 30months and 13 months old. I want their relationship with their father to be good. Even after all the hurt he have given me. I have told myself not to think irrationally and to forgive him and not to hold grudges. I am now fully thinking and focussing on my son's future. They are still small and 24/7 with me. I own an online business now earning stable income which have been supporting myself and my sons alone. I choose to have this job so I can be with them at home. This is what is important to me. Seeing them grow and bringing them up with my own sweat. Unlike their father who thinks working is more important then anything else in the world.

My arrangement will be weekends visiting. He can come over when he has his Off day from work to fetch his sons in the morning and bring them back to me again at night. And I also will need only their own father to be available as they are still young and I want them to spend time with their father and most importantly be happy when they think about their dad. This is to ensure that its HE HIMSELF is spending time with his children NOT his mother or his brother or anybody else. Because this is about the relationship of my sons with their own dad. For any school function, or prize ceremony, or birthdays, I will gladly contact their father to be a part of it. And when my children grow older, and they can talk already and tell me what they want, if they tell me, they want to sleepover their father's place a night, i will allow them. Not now when they are just toddlers and know nothing yet.

Any mummies can please please advise me on how I can win this arrangement? I am going to visit a legal clinic for advise soon. Still trying to get an appointment as its full everywhere.

I have sleepless nights for the past week and cant think straight. I am googling and sourcing as much as i can to find out if i can get this arrangement done.

As for now, my husband have still not return home to see his kids even though we have not decided on divorce or anything. He just disappear (again) Its been 3months now.

thanks

 

[tifflim]

Hi!
I know of a family that had a divorce. She had 3 children. After compromising with the husband, she went to court and said that she want the custody of her 3 children. But she agrees to allow the father to visit the 3 children whenever the father wants to meet them. But she doesn't allow the kids to overnight with their father. As for my understanding, the court has allowed this. So no harm trying. You can eventually let the judge know your concern. I am pretty sure that, they will get your husband's view too. So try talking to hubby to get him to compromise so that it would not be so hard.

 

[gladjo]

Hi..am going through divorce...yes, you may get legal aid if your income is 1.5k or bow and usually if your child is young, court will award the mum custody and claim him Maintainence for both yourself and ur kid. Otherwise it will be very stress for you. ... God blesd

 

[tifflim]

Yes true enough that you can claim for maitenance especially for your kid/kids allowance.

 

[Debra Shaw]

It's good that even if your husband is not bothered, still you want your kids to have a good relation with their father. This is very important for the kids after divorce because they often become stressful and violent as they don't get the equal concern and affection from their parents. If you need any legal help regarding divorce or custody procedure you can see this.

 

[tifflim]

Divorce is only between both partners. It doesnt concern the children and doesn't make sense when you separate your child from seeing either parent (mother/father). Bonding with both parents, give your children a better platform to grow and mould into a better person in the future. When they lack love, they intend to wander away and start mixing with the wrong company. Then it will be too late to even say its your fault or regret. So just spare some concern for your children.

 

[gladjo]

Hmm... Well..everyone say divorce is btw husband n wife...nothing to do with kids...I thought so too n agreed but ...not until my gals ran away from Hm n when i found them n asked them ( they were 14 & 15 then) ..they both the told me that they feel it was due to them..that they weren't good enough n we divorce. That answer rock me to the core. No matter how, the kids know n they feel the hurt we feel but they can't understand fully so they blame themselves.
So.. It's really hard ..cos no matter what the kids can feel it, they can see for themselves. Best is keep open dialogue, talk n talk n talk cos a lot of times u think they understand, but actually they dun as their maturity isn't there yet.

Unless the kids are very young. Still they feel something isn't right with mummy n daddy so best to keep open dialogue, explain n explain n explain n explain... Keep explaining

God bless

 

[tifflim]

Hi Gladjo,
In my opinion, I feel that marriage and divorce involves only husband and wife. Children comes after marriage and still remains after divorce. Because both you and your partner brought your children into this world.
But sometimes, children tends to be very smart and intelligent nowadays, they will investigate who is in the right and who is in the wrong that the marriage is in a disaster. Usually children will support the one that's in the right but some children they only support the one that they are closer to. Depends on every children. As you mentioned, your daughters ran away when they were aged 14 & 15 and when you questioned them they gave you shocking answer that they weren't good enough thats why you both got divorce. Sometimes, when husband and wife have arguements over money and commitment. Children tend to hear and feel that because of them commitment and money plays and important role or many possible answers that make them feel very guilty or even they blame themselves for being in this world.
This will eventually, made some children to take their lives or even running away and some may just stay for the sake of the shelter but follow the bad accompany and ended up being in the wrong place without even realizing.
Thats why I always would advice that problems between both partners, must be between four walls that even your children must not be aware of it so that it wont hurt them and cause damage in their life.

I may be right or wrong in my opinion that I share you with you. But this is how I feel.

 

[pixie ng]

Hmm... Well..everyone say divorce is btw husband n wife...nothing to do with kids...I thought so too n agreed but ...not until my gals ran away from Hm n when i found them n asked them ( they were 14 & 15 then) ..they both the told me that they feel it was due to them..that they weren't good enough n we divorce. That answer rock me to the core. No matter how, the kids know n they feel the hurt we feel but they can't understand fully so they blame themselves.
So.. It's really hard ..cos no matter what the kids can feel it, they can see for themselves. Best is keep open dialogue, talk n talk n talk cos a lot of times u think they understand, but actually they dun as their maturity isn't there yet.

Unless the kids are very young. Still they feel something isn't right with mummy n daddy so best to keep open dialogue, explain n explain n explain n explain... Keep explaining

God bless

so far i never hear anyone say that divorce is btw husband and wife only... it is definitely involves the entire family... even the family is broken, as in parents never divorce but always quarrel and unhappy with each other, the children will also be affected.

 

[gladjo]

Pixie..I agree..to those who hold the idea that it's just btw t
Husband n wife, it's a psychological lie n they haven't live our lives.

Try having a close door argument that his bloody woman wearing no panty or bra n just a big tshirt at your door step looking for him n after the arugement cm out with no feelings n emotions raging! Or try having cm across their naked pictures n that doesn't bother you n can go about the family activity with him with no anger climbing! Or better still, it was your kid who discovered the naked picture n u hv quite close door argument !

So I should be having no emotional breakdown nor raise in voice but speak quietly so that the kids will not be able to hear? While he raise his voice at me? Nope...will never happen cos am 100% made of flesh n blood with feelings and emotions.

And my kids must learn never let a stupid man like dad oppressed them that adultery is an ok thing. Because that's precisely what my mum in law believes n see her son, my husband follow exactly! My mum inlaw told me be b4, the man will fool around outside but will definitely cm Hm to sleep. Ya...she ought to try brain wash me harder cos it ain't working.

 

[pixie ng]

If i were you, high chance i will file for divorce especially what he done is affecting the children.

My cousin saw my ex holding another gal's hand or something. I didn't hear from him but he told my sis and my sis told me. But we were living seperating then so i also not really upset..once my HDB MOP reach 5yrs i immediately file for divorce

 

[tifflim]

Yes, children are innocent. We as a mother brought this innocent kids into this world.
Its our responsibility to give them the best, and best is not materialistic but with love and peace.
I totally agree with pixie ng that if I would been in your situation I would have filed for a divorce.