sereneserene
Member
How to pen down my feelings? I must admit that you gals are brave… and can bear with all these for so long… I dun know if I can be like you all… I have only been trying for a baby for a few months (when I said trying, meaning detecting my “peak” period and try to have sex during that time), and the thought of me getting pregnant is overwhelming me! Every month I will imagine myself pregnant, and when my menses came, I was disappointed. In July, my menses was late… I was excited, as my menses never been late all my life! I waited patiently, as I’m afraid that pregnancy test will not be accurate when I tested too early. About ten days late, I tested negative. I refused to believe this, and can’t wait any longer, I tested on the 12th day again. Same results. I’m puzzled, and starts to worry, but still hopeful. Thus, I went to see a gynae right away. She did a vaginal scan, no baby sadly… and luckily, no cysts or abnormality. She suggested me doing a pap smear and blood test to check for ovulation. So I supposed I was over-stressed by having children that I miss my period. Soon after the gynae visit, my menses came. When my blood test is out, and she called me to tell me that I did not ovulate… I was shocked! How can that be, when my menses was super accurate every month, never miss any month, and it was always on the 31-33 days cycle all these years?? I dwell on it for many weeks, and till now, though I have more or less accepted this, I was feeling very very very depressed. It does not help at all when my bro’s wife, his younger sis, colleagues’ wife, friends are all pregnant. It’s like every week have people telling me who and who is pregnant. Everytime I know about their condition, I of course act normal and congratulate them… but my heart is bleeding… I was so affected, and that night my tears sure to fall. I was in deep depression, and feel totally useless. I read a lot on forum and internets, though PCOS is a common problem and some women still manage to get pregnant with medication, I was afraid that I will not be. I’m 30 years old already… I dun know how many years I still have… I am very worried, as I wanted children. On addition, I am short and obese. My husband is obese too. I’m worried that we cannot have children, and I feel pressurized as he is the only son, though not only child. He will be doing a semen analysis tom, and this sat we will be seeing my gynae, to discuss on our options. Air of uncertainty surrounds me… and make me depress… how do you cope with your own feelings? I have tried to focus on other things, like starting my exercise and diet routine… to be healthier and to take away my focus on this ovulation thing. Everytime I saw his mother, or when his mother is very nice to me, I felt so guilty… I have planned to tell her the truth, so that I can concentrate on getting well, and she will not have expectation then she will not be upset. But I dun know how to start this topic. She is considered a very nice mother-in-law, as she never pressurized me, and she actually dotes on me… all the more added to my guilt… My husband dotes on me a lot too… and maybe it is due to this, I felt so useless as a wife… I dun cook, dun do housework, dun doll up myself, and now can’t get pregnant. He is so unlucky to have me as a wife… Now, I can only try to be a brave gal, and wait for my gynae to explain my condition, and let us decides on our option.
