Support Group - Stillbirths

tell you girls something..

on thursday night, hubby and I made the decision to terminate pregnancy.. and for the whole of friday, my baby girl did not move at all... deep down in my heart, i think she knows what's going to happen to her the following day, which is when the termination was scheduled.. so sad rite??? coz prior to thursday, i could still feel her kicks very actively, and on friday, it stopped completely.... when i saw my gynae on friday night at his clinic to go through the termination procedure the following day, he asked if we would like to take a last peek at our bb through the ultrasound.. i teared and shook my head... i can't bring myself to see her looking so sad in my tummy..
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reyesmommy,

i know how you feel.. your story brought tears to my eyes.. read it when i was going through the toughest patch of my life struggling with the decision that i had to make.

i guess your case is much more unfortunate as it came without warning and reyes was almost near full-term! i cannot imagine how i would be able to handle that.. at least in my case, i had enough time to prepare myself for the worst..

that day my hubby asked me how our girl would look like when we meet her again in heaven. would she be a little baby? or a little girl running towards us? or she be a grown up?... that was a good question.. do you girls think of that as well?
 
Hi all,

I feel so sorry for all your losts (stillborn). Actually i was crying when reading all your post.

It makes me more to tresure the bb in my womb rite now and my son.

Please take care of yourself...
 
Belly Button,
My heart really goes out to you. I feel so so sad for you - in many ways, i'm more fortunate than you cos i did not have to make that God awful decision to terminate the pregnancy. I'd like to think that all our babies are in heaven and playing with each other and having a good time. A good friend gave me a book after the stillbirth, the title was 'Mommy please don't cry, there are no tears in heaven' - when I read it, i was bawling my guts out but it gave me great comfort to think of my little boy in heaven and being taken care of by God (although I'd much rather he was being taken care of by me).
Yup, i often wonder how it'd be like to see him again in heaven, like would this little boy come running to me and give me a great big hug. If so, I'd tell him I really missed him so much.

Anyway, read these two things in one of the other websites and thought I'd share with you girls.

An angel in the book of life, wrote down my baby's birth. When she closed the book she whispered 'Too beautiful for earth'

And also this (adapted):

My heaven is a simple place.
The streets are not paved with gold.
My heaven is a rocking chair
With Reyes to hold
 
reyesmommy,
thanks for sharing, very beautiful
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you know, we had the option of doing an autopsy on our bb, but we didn't want to, for the fear of discovering that there is really nothing wrong with our bb!!!!..

there is always this fear in our heart of having made the wrong decision.. i guess we'll never find out the truth until we meet our little girl in heaven.
 
gals,
feeling very sad n tears drop out when read the story abt wat urs hv go through.

bellybutton,
i bet nothing word i can say to ease ur painful.
u r very strong n brave enough..dun blamed to God, his know how to do to give u the best one again.. remember u hv posting in other thread abt leak of fluid (yang shui).

share my story to u: me miscarrige in wk9 on end of Feb'05, its might be due to leak of yang shui, caused my bb cant growing again. one day b4 i go check up on wk8, go wif my mum to templer praying n guan yi nian nian told me tat need to be careful myself due to i might having leak of fluid prob. it's truth enough to proof tat my gynae (at JB) told me same thing when do check up next day.

his told me tat my yang shui not enough for bb(already got heartbeat), but at tat moment his never say much, jus asking me go back review 1wk later. but 3days later, me start brownish spotting, quickly go KKH n u/s cant detect my bb heartbeat n the bb size decrease some more as compare wat i do 3days ago. KKH gynae do 2 HCG blood test, -ve result. his imme wan me decide to do d/c next day b4 start heavy bleeding. but me refuse to make decision cos me n hubby cant accept the result at tat point when his told us wat we need to do.. then me jus told him tat let me consider 1day 1st, at same time request a copy of all test report n scan b4 leave.

next day seek for 2nd opinion on TMC, let him scan n same cant detect bb heartbeat. so i show him all report done by KKH. at least my tis gynae quite understand wat we feel, his dun wan to conclude anything as his jus 1st time see me. in order to be fair to both party, his do 1 more blood test for me, 1hr later result come out, its more worst. So i got not choice, hubby n me force decide to let go. done d/c by this gynae then.

up to today, on/off will crying myself(hubby dunno) when think abt it. got not courange n brave enough to make myself ready for next battle.

actually me blamed myself never take care my bb careful. me detected preg 1wk b4 cny. i need go back hubby hometown (ipoh) during cny. by right i shld not long travel fr JB to ipoh, but i got no choice, still need go back. if me decide not going back, everything might will be fine right nw. maybe tis is my fate n no luck to be mother of my bb.

sorry for long post...
 
hi loving..

yes.. i remember you too. your husband was posting very anxiously in other threads seeking more information regarding how to increase yang shui.

KKH was really very insensitive in dealing with your loss.. they should have explained in greater detail or something. we too had some unhappy experience with them..

at one point, i also blamed myself, coz i went to Taiwan for a business trip in my 14th week, just before i was diagnosed with low fluid. before the trip, everything was fine.

but i guess we just have to learn from this and take better care of ourselves when we next become pregnant again. i've learnt not to take the 10 months of pregnancy for granted. that's the most i can do.. to rest as much as i can... and everything else is beyond our control.. we just have to continue praying that our bb will be a healthy one!

i understand how you feel, indeed picking up the pieces and moving on is very difficult. but i guess we shouldn't hurry, should take our time to heal.
 
bellybetton,
ur brave n strong r very good example for me to follow n learn. ya, some time the thing is beyond our control. b4 me encounter this m/c, i never though abt tat i will fall into this stage. as u say, maybe i also take 9mth preg as granted.

when my JB gynae diagnosed tat i might in low fluid, i still dunno wat is tat as his never explain more to me, but his actually ever hint me tat wat will happnend. nw i jus know tat actually bb depend the fluid for survive n growing when read ur case.

u doing confiment? actually u can request maternity leave instead MC, so tat u can take more rest n well recover. pls take care urself n dun think too much..
 
Dear ladies,

Came across this article "Farewell My Child" in July's SimplyHer magazine. Juz wana let you know that there's a support group in S'pore. Following is extracted from the article:

Child Bereavement Support (Singapore), a charity formed recently by a group of bereaved parents in Singapore. Modelled on its UK sister organisation, CBS extends friendship and support to bereaved parents who have lost a child of any age under any circumstance. It also works jointly with KK Women's and Children's Hospital to train medical and healthcare workers to deal with beereavement compassionately. To find out more abt CBS' activities, visit its website at http://www.childbereavementsupport.org.sg

Take good care of yourself please.
 
Hi Be Strong,
Thanks for providing the Child Bereavement thingee. I am actually in touch with one of the gals who started the group. They asked me to join their meetings which happens every Thursday. But I decided not to. I think I rather voice out my anger, fear, etc, in an internet forum, rather than go for a face-to-face group therapy thingee. I'll probably cry buckets of tears while sharing my story and wallow deeper in self-pity. Thanks for coming in here to console us anyway.

Last nite, I couldn't help myself and look at James's photo again. I think I have gone past the crying, accepted the fact and move on. I hope all of you are healing more and more each day.

Hi Reyesmommy,
I have read that before 'Too beautiful for earth'. I think its from the Silent Grief website right? Hope you are feeling better today.

Hi Bellybutton,
How are you today? So wat food did you eat for your confinement?
 
There is this song by Barry Manilow called "Weekend in New England" that I want to share with you all,

Last night, I said goodbye
Now--it seems year
I'm back in the city
Where nothing is clear
But thoughts of me --holding you
Bringing us near

And tell me
When will our eyes meet
When can I touch you
When will this strong yearning end
And when Will I hold you again

Time in New England
Took me away
To long rocky beaches
--and you, by the bay
We started a story
Whose end must now wait

And, tell me
When will our eyes meet
When can I touch you
When will this strong yearning end
And when Will I hold you again

I feel the change comin'
--I feel the wind blow
I feel brave and daring!
I feel my blood flow
With you
I can bring out
All the love, that I have
--With you there's a heaven
So earth ain't so bad

And tell me
When will our eyes meet
When can I touch you
When will this strong yearning end
And when Will I hold you again
 
hi java..

sigh.. reading what you wrote brought tears into my eyes again..

yesterday night.. i realised that hubby has been buying new gadgets like phone and all, just to distract himself from the grief that he's feeling.. poor thing.. women like us can come here and pour out our sorrows, for men, they can only grief silently coz they need to appear strong.

how did your hubbies deal with the grief? I wish i can do something to help him. he doesn't really want to talk about it coz it makes him sad.

here's my daily menu, nothing exciting
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breakfast - eggs, milo, sausages
lunch - rice, steamed fish and pork with lots of ginger, alcohol, sesame oil
dinner - rice, vegetables, steamed fish and chicken with ginge, alcohol, sesame oil.. sometimes got black chicken soup.

also try to eat more fruits coz gynae advised so, say it'd help with healing of womb.
 
hey, ask you something..how often did you all bathe and wash your hair??.. i've been bathing on every alternate day with the herbal thingee.. but MIL insists that i can only wash my hair after 12 days. today is only like the 6 days and my scalp is already itching like mad!!!
 
Bellybutton, I washed my hair after 7 days.. cos I super really cannot tahan.. do you have dry shampoo at home? Use it.. it will help a little.

folic
 
Hi Java & all ladies,

Juz like my nickname, I wish you will stay strong emotionally & physically. I'm sure you ladies will definitely be up & cheerful one day! I've faith in you ladies!!
 
hi bellybutton,
ai yoh that's the last thing I want to do, make you cry. If buying new gadgets can help your hubby cope with the grief, then let him. My hubby coped with the grief by working harder at work. He doesn't talk much about the loss, but if I wish to visit James's niche in church, he will accompany me. Yesterday I showed him my fren's newborn baby photo. Her baby boy is very big, 3.62kg measuring 50cm! I told him James also very tall (abt 49cm), but on the skinny side. My hubby became rather defensive (which I was pleased), he said no lah not skinny, ok size.
Your confinement menu looks good. I love home cooked food esp confinement food. Take care and rest well, dun cry already hor.
 
hi java..
yeah.. it's hard to get men to open their heart and pour out their sorrows. that's why they say deep down in the heart, men take a longer time to heal coz they either keep things to themselves or do something else to distract themselves hence postposting the grieveing process..

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your james is very tall! 49cm! are you two very tall folks? me very short.. which i dun mind if i have a girl and she's petite like me.. but if boy, better take after my hubby who is taller..
 
hi folic,

actually my MIL wanted to let me wash my hair today! but yesterday, her sisters came and scolded her.. say i must wait til at least 12 days.. so she asked me to listen coz she scared i kena wind then she hard to explain to my mother...

i must really take my hat off zoe tay though. heard she never wash her hair for one month! so gross!!!! i cannot imagine...
 
Hi,
Bellybutton,Just to share with u. I washed my hair on the 5th day.
Actually from what my antenatal instructor said,it's ok to wah hair,but be sensible,dry the hair after wahing,which i find that it's quite logical. This tradition is passed down when chinese women r in China,where weather is cold. But i not in s'pore...
My eyes welled when i heard ur story...Be strong... I had a fr who had stillbirth during my confinement also.She will sometimes said i'll not understand what she has gone thru.But deep in my heart,i know that i understand as i can imagine the pain if i happen to lost my children.
 
Hi Ladies,
Donno what's wrong with me, I thot i was ok liao but last few days, when i see little babies i feel so sad. And my arms feel so empty - donno if you guys ever feel that way. Then last night I just cried a little for Reyes - I really miss him so much. Wish i had a pix of him, my cousin asked if I wanted her to take a pix and I said no. Now regret - at least if got pix of him, can take it out and look at his pix. Now can only look at his footprints.

Java,
Thanks for the song. The words are so meaningful. Sometimes i also think of that Josh Groban song 'To Where You Are' - cos the lyrics really touched my heart.
I agree with you, cannot imagine going to the Child Beareavement Group and crying my guts out & screaming about how angry I am. So embarrassing.

Belly Button,
After i came back from hospitalI washed my hair already but kena really bad headache the next day. So thereafter, I followed my mum's advice and wash my hair and bathe with the smelly herbal water only and I was fine. Maybe you shld try it. I cannot imagine going for so many days without washing hair, even the dry shampoo doesn't really help.

Now I'm just trying to lose my pregnancy weight, am taking up belly dancing (damn difficult to joget man!) and pyogilates, doing some running and jumping rope which i discover is the most chiat lat of all exercises cos 5 mins of jumping and i want to peng san. But got to lose weight lah, my stupid hubby say I'm like a baby whale.

Panasonic,
I think all mothers will understand to some degree what it will be like to lose a child - when i was in the hospital, my colleague who was 8mths pregnant came and visit me and was crying and crying when she saw me. And also another friend came and visit me and you could see she was in total shock, she was just standing there speechless. I felt so bad for them - like for some reason I was to be blame for putting them in this state. But i would never ever wish the lost of a child on anybody, not even my most hated enemy.
 
hi reyesmommy,
i'm also like you.. my mood goes up and down.. i can be fine and cheerful one day, but the next day, i can suddenly feel very depressed. the other day i happened to see one of the sms that i sent to my hubby. it said "baby is kicking me again..".. i started to sob uncontrollably.. i missed my girl kicking me so much!!!...
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i din see her when she came out.. hubby told me not to and i listened to him. he said he wants our girl to remain as a cute little baby in my mind. i know he meant well, but i dunno if i will feel better if i had taken a peek at her..

i also trying to lose weight. i'm heavier than pre-pregnancy weight by 3kg. can't wait to exercise after my confinement. they say pilate very effective for losing weight. had a cousin who managed to shed her stubborn pregnancy fats after taking it up.
 
Hi Belly Button,
I guess I thot after 6 months, i shldn't be so weepy and all. I meant to ask you, do you have a name for your little girl?
Yah, you must do a proper confinement and get your womb back into tip top condition. Then worry about losing weight later
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I've started trying again - can't afford to wait cos i'm already 37
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reyesmommy,
yes.. my angel is called Ariel. it's a hebrew name, means lioness of God.

oh well..i guess occasional weeping especially when we think of our little ones is perfectly normal... today i also teared, when i heard the song "close your eyes now, try to sleep..".. i used to sing that everyday to little ariel...

going back to gynae this friday for a check-up. hopefully the results of blood test is out and he's able to shed some light on why all these happened. i really hope to know if it's genetic, or is it a sporadic occurance so i can have the confidence to try again. at the back of my head, there's always this fear that the same thing will happen again.

so happy to know that you're trying again!... yup.. i know. it's the never give up spirit! let me know if there's good news ok??
 
Hi ladies, My heart aches for each one of you as I read of your stories. Couldn't help crying as i read of your experiences.

I came into this thread as i've a friend who gave birth to a 600g baby at week 24 just 2 months ago. Doctors were advising her during her contractions to let the baby go as such pre-mature babies are prone to many complications later on in life. They did not let go, and the baby survived the birth. She had been in NICU for the last 2 months. This Friday she'll be going for eye surgery to prevent her from losing her sight. This is just another of the many hurdles that she had crossed (blood tests, transfusions, operations...etc etc) It's very painful and I really admire her parents' strength and faith in God.

I've come to realise that life is not fair, and there'll be so many things which we may never understand.... I pray and hope that in these times, we will have someone & something to hold on to - the knowledge of a all knowing and loving God that loves us and our unborn babies beyond our imagination. He alones knows all our fears and sorrows and holds dear every tear that we've shed.

"For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Hebrews 4:15-16

"And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."

Revelation 21:4

Hope the words of the living God will comfort you as you believe that one day you will see your babies again.
 
Hi Gals, was on medical leave whole of last week! bad bug in the office!

Bellybutton,-- lots of hugs
Initially, I too blamed God...I questioned why after all the praying things like that still happen!...I even went to the extreme of telling my hubby that I'll not visit another temple (my hubby is buddhist) ever again! I got over that...I'm praying again and I also go to the temple with my hubby.

I'm not sure if you gals get that. I have been have flashes of what happened, the whole incident just kept repeating in my mind....even as I was about to fall asleep. My babies faces were so blurry...I just couldn't remember their faces. I blamed myself for not trying keep awake to take a longer look at them. (I was so weak after the ICU episode then). Couldn't control my tears!

It's good to think that our babies have each other in heaven. I was always worried about whether they can take care of themselves in the other world...they were so small...sob...sob....

For now, I just hope to move on... and try to get pregnant again....an up hill task for me. Tried for 2 cycles under doctor's supervision. Doctor said no point trying if I'm so stressed at work and so pressured to conceive, I should take a break from trying....no point wasting my money. So, I'm taking a break for 2 cycles and try again after.

K&K
 
K&K-
hope you are feeling better. i do get flashbacks too, not of my little baby, but of the labour and the pain. that was my only recollection of the day.

actually, i'm quite sad i dun have any memory of how my little girl look like. i din take a look at her.. i din even know if she was born alive or dead. All i know from the nurse is that she was still in the waterbag when she came out. and they just put her into a basin while waiting for my gynae to come by and take a look at her.

initially i thought the nurses will clean the bb up and bring her to me for me to hold, but guess i'm wrong. this was my first time, we really didn't know what to expect.

i could only ask my hubby how our girl looked like, but even so, he said he can't see the features at all coz she was wrapped in the waterbag.

sometimes i wish i have flashback like yours. at least there are some memories for me to hold on to. all i can remember was the 12 hour of severe pain...
 
Hi Reyesmommy,
Yesterday my hubby's ex-colleague gave me a book "Empty Arms". Usually I hate reading such books, coz I got tired to reading them after my first stillbirth. Anyway I just browse through, but end up reading rather detailedly, coz the author was narrating about her hospital experience with her stillborn which ended at the 5th month of preg. Usually the last chapter always talks about how to reconcile such unfortunate events with God. Wait let me get home to get the details out. Continue part 2 of my story later...
 
ok, the book says "We live in a fallen world and sometimes the pain and suffering of that fallen world touches our lives. It doesn't seem fair, but nothing will be totally fair and perfect until we get to heaven. Miscarriage or stillbirth isn't a sign of sin in your life or a message from God to "shape up your act". It is simply a form of suffering common to the human experience of living in this world."

This verse brought me alot of peace, and I hope it does so for you.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

regards,
Jordan&JamesMommy
 
Hi Java,
Thanks but i really feel so disillusion with God. After the stillbirth, I still tried to find comfort in God. I try to talk to him but I just can't seem to feel the same way. Now, I don't even go to church or pray and I don't even know whether I believe in God anymore, I feel so betrayed and bitter. I prayed and prayed to God to take care of me when I was pregnant with Reyes but the stillbirth still happened. It's like what's the whole point? I know life is not meant to be easy and there are trials along the way but the comfort i used to find in God is not longer there. I donno why - in fact, i find that it's such a burden to be Catholic.
The strange thing is, 2 months ago, I had 2 dreams about, of all things, the Laughing Buddha. I dreamt that someone told me that I must bring the Laughing Buddha home and I said 'I'm not buddhist, I can't bring him home' and this person says to me ' even if you can't bring it home, you must get your husband to bring the Buddha home. It's very good for you'. I'm not a buddhist so I don't really know what this dream signifies but part of me wonders, maybe I shld explore Buddhism - it might bring me more peace and not this overwelming bitterness and anger.
And you know, part of me secretly wonders, maybe I'm not meant to have 2 kids. Maybe I'm just meant to have my daughter and that's it. Was the stillbirth a consequence of my going against fate or God's will or whatever you call it. Rationally, i think this thought is totally silly but i really wonder. Othewise, why can't I have a successful pregnancy after my daughter cos I had the ectopic then the stillbirth after her. I should be happy and satisfied with my daughter already.
I donno - maybe someday I will manage to find my way back to him.
 
Dear Reyesmommy,

Like you, I also have my secret wonder - am I not meant to have any kids? I don't know whether Catholic believe in fortune telling (ba zi), I actually got one fortune teller told me that I am fated to be "build a house but no one live in", which means I have no "succesor" and I will be alone. This is a secret that I don't even tell my hubby, because I don't want my MIL has yet another excuse to put the blame on me.. I tried not to believe on what the fortune teller had said, but I can't stop wondering whether it's really true after all the things happened - miscarriage first then lost my baby later.

I wasn't attached to any regilion before and now I got no reason to believe in anyone, too. But I know in my heart I am searching for something - It doesn't feel right if I say there is no God in this world; it also doesn't make sense if there is God and who make us suffer -- I don;t know should I or should I not believe in God or have faith in anything - I am lost, desperately wanted to find a way out...

I also find Budda statue or drawing give me a moment of peace, that's why i spent about 500 dollar SG in a small Budda drawing in my recent trip to China. However, I keep it in the drawer after I came back, because when I look at it a little bit longer, I started to feel angry and wanted to question why all these happen to me and I am afraid that I will put the blame on the Budda..

Sometimes I feel that I am depressed, but we shouldn't let it take over us, right? I am sure you feel lucky that you have your daughther as your strength to carry on, then treasure her, let her occupy your time and your mind, at least for the time being, so that you won't have silly idea or get into serious depression.

Wish all of us become stronger and stronger..
 
Dear Ladies,

After reading your stories my heart gets heavier. I'm not at the cross-roads. Something is very wrong with my boy and all the gynae/doc I see advise trmination. (Im at 22wks) now. I can't bear to do it, but the complicaton is affecting my health now. I'm not sure what to do, if I drag on, hb may experience dual loss. But I love bb so much I can't bear to take away his life thoguh I'm told he'll not be able to make it or has to be in intensive care for whatever short life he'll have.

I admire your courage to carry your bbs. I'm not sure if I can bring myself to do it. If I'll ever be willing to let go of him.

Now, life is very diff as everyday in office people will ask about me and bb as they all know I have a diff pregnancy. (I was on bed rest since Mar due to heavy bleeding and back to office only last week). Now, I'm faced with this need to make a decision. I'm so lost.
 
coral,

i jus saw this posting. I want you to know that you must take good care of yourself and not endanger yourself. I went through a similar struggle, although it is only for a day or so. I knew that there is no chance that my baby will survive without any water in the waterbag. Yet, I cannot let myself give up without a fight. I was put on drip to delay the labour/contractions but that subjected to me having really fast heartbeat and I was in a very unstable emotional state. I was on valium to calm me down, otherwise, I might be a total wreck. During that one day while I was on drip, my baby was so active, he kept kicking me, as if to tell me don give up. But I failed him in that sense.. there is jus nothing that can be done medically.

Don't worry about your colleagues or those around you. If it is a termination that you need to do to save your own life, I think that's what you should do. It is difficult to let go but you have to at some point in time.

Jus remember that your little boy will always have a special place in your heart.BIG HUGS!!

folic
 
Thanks folic.

I guess my boy will know. Mummy n daddy really want him. All this time we did all we can to have him. To us, spending money, sacrificing career and suffering pain are things we can tolerate so long as we can save boy boy. But what we have doen seems not enough. Boy boy still can heal. I'm praying that a miracle will happen by this week. I don't have much time. Hb is getting so worried.
BVut whatever is being said or how I rationalise thigns, it's just so difficult to agree to let him go. I'm really sad and dunno what to do. Although hb say I must tell him everything, I just can't be another emotional burden to him. He's facing klots of pressure himself and he 's trying to hold back his tears for he knows that he has to be here to support me when I fall. But i think that's vy bad for him to suppress his emotions.

Pardon me for rattling on. I've been bottling up alot in me. I don't know how to let go of the grief I have accumulated.
 
Coral,

I am sure your boy will know that his parents loved him very much. I feel a bond with my boy even though I have not held him after he was born.

Both you and your husband have to support each other through this difficult period. The hubby will usually have to be strong but they too are very hurt. I know that my hubby has shed many tears when he was away from me during that one day, but when he was at my bedside, he was my cheerleader. However, after the babay was born and gone, I did have a good heart to heart talk with him and he did let out his emotions then.

Don't worry about rattling. Let me know how else I can help. I would be more than willing to lend a listening ear.

folic
 
Dear Coral,

It's true that some of us did carry on with our pregnancy until the end, however, I believe none of us who did so faced the same problem as you do (endangering yourself). I agree with folic that you have to take care of yourself first, although it's understandable that it's every mother's instinct to protect her baby.

Not sure what else I can help, but surely will pray for a miracle for you & your boy boy.

*HUGS*
 
Hi coral,
I'm sure your son treasures how much you are sacrificing for him and that you are fighting so hard to keep him alive. Preclampsia is very serious. If keeping him alive is putting yourself in danger, then I think you should put your health top priority. Are the results from KKH out yet?

With regards to making a right decision, I like to share with you The Serenity Prayer. Perhaps you would like to pray this everyday.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Dun worry about rattling! Feel free to rant all you want here. We are here to support and listen.
 
Thanks all.

Guess my health is getting bad due to the emotional stress that I'm feeling so decided to take things off my mind and spend more quality time with boy. I was telling the other MTBs I shall bring boy out tmrw after hosp visit to let him taste nice food, go round the island and take some family pics. Then on fri, his godma shall go out with me and him. Guess it's better for him to enjoy some nice scenery than mummy's sobs...
 
Coral,
My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry you have to go through this. It's a situation that no woman should ever have to endure - but I agree with the rest of the girls, you have to think of your own health first, as much as you want to protect your son. I'm sure he knows how much you love him, but sometimes you just have to let go. I myself am trying to learn how to let go of Reyes. I wish you strength and courage during this extremely difficult time and please, let us know how we can help in anyway.

Hugs to you.
 
Thanks Reyesmommy. I'm trying to convince myself that it's for the good of Kaden to let him go now before he suffer more pain. But with him being so active and always reminding me of his existence. I just can't bear to let go. But my episodes of blackouts also tell me that I hv to think of the other love ones. My hb, my parents and my parents-in-law. They're all so worried.
 
Coral,

I was in a bad state, in ICU then, and they had to stop the medication to reduce contraction to save me...We have to let our babies go....it was a very painful decision. My hubby was more worried about losing me....your hubby would too!

Be strong. Take care. We'll all be here! Hugs..
 
K&K, thank you. I've lost Kaden on 27 Jul. My water bag broke on the night of 26 Jul. Now, I'm getting better, though like all of you, I miss my son and feel the pain whenever I think of my lost.

One qn, does any of you go for the traditional massage? I called the lady today to cancel my appt for Nov and she told me since I went thru natural birth too and bb was already this big I should also have the massage. I'm confused now.
 
dear coral,

I did not suffer a miscarriage or stillbirth like anyone of you here but I have gone through the pain of losing my 31/2 months old son in my arms.... I understand the pain you are having now, what my advise to you here is to grief and cry all with your heart out, take your time to mourn, it won't help, in fact worst, if you suppress your emotions.
 
coral, i think it is not a bad idea to do the massage. I did not do it when I lost baby jie cos that's obviously not on my mind at that time. However, after going thru the massage after my 2nd preg, I find tat it does help to contract the uterus and also to rid the body of the wind etc. If you are up for it, why not? it can also help to relax.

Mummy Bs, sorry to hear about your loss. Your experience is prob most similar to TSH's. Hope to chat with you more here!

folic
 
Mummy Bs I'm so sorry for you, it must be worse for you for even after carrying Kaden in my arms for a while, it's so devastating to lose him so I keep telling myself to be strong as some mummy goes thru worse situation than me.
Folic, is it normal to bleed for a long time? My bleeding has not stopped and it's about 2.5wks after the delivery...
 
Coral, so sorry and so sad to hear about your loss. But your baby is such a good boy, so you don't have to make the painful decision. Please take your time to grief for him - the pain will never go away but I guarantee that you will start to feel better. I didn't go for the traditional massage cos i had a c-section but i think you shld be able to if yours is a natural birth. Don't forget to do your confinement and 'bu' your womb. I think you will bleed for about 6-7 weeks - like after normal delivery right?
Mummy Bs, gosh, so sorry for your loss. Agree with Coral, must be so much worse for you. I do hope you're doing ok.
 
hi folic,coral,Reyesmommy,bellybutton,
my heart sinks when read thru ur postings.

i didn't suffer fr. stillbirth but miscarriage.

It was an accident.After my hb's sis in law knew i am preggie,she did a lot of bad things.

The incident happened that she purposely put my toiletries at the highest rack.when me or my MIL put it back to lower rack,the next moment,i discovered it went back to highest rack.

One fine day,I lazy to ask my hb or mil help to get the shampoo for me.So I got the stool to take it myself.I slipped off & fell on the floor,i knocked my head against the wall hardly.I was abt 5weeks preggie.

I pulled myself up.Thought nothing happened & i continued to shower.After the dinner,i felt terrible pain & there was heavy discharge.I admitted to glen hospital. My gynea told i've lost my baby.

half a yr later,i preggie again. This time,I was extremely careful & moved out from my IL hme & stay on our own,juz to make sure his sil won't do any funny thingie to me. I gave birth to a cute little baby boy.
 


Hi folic,

Thanks, this happens about 5 years ago, but till today, still remember clearly what happen then, it always seems like yesterday. I am a Christian and I seek comfort from God, although still painful whenever I think of all those hospital scenes (he had an open heart surgery at that time), but He has blessed me with 2 more beautiful babies.

Coral,

dun worry about the bleeding, it will be about 4 to six weeks, you are suppose to see you gynae again around that time right?

You take care, everything happen for a purpose, for me, after Brandon passed away peacefully in my arms, I was in tremondous pain, even at this moment when I am writing this message, can feel the ache in my heart, but like you say, there are many more out there that need you, your husband, parents and many more, be strong and move on, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I am a good example. My best friends become closer, the bond between my husband and myself, my parents, and if not because of Brandon, we will never see the miracle of life and to have more than 2 children. My Brandon is now at a better place, and so is Kaden

Calcium,
Glad to know that you are well now, you take care too.
 
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