SUPPORT GROUP - INFERTILTY

S

soulutions

New Member
Let me introduce myself & my hubby: Im 35 and hes 38, married for 10 yrs this Dec. When we got married, our careers were more important then for 4 yrs before we said we were ready to start a family. Well, as it turns out, it wasnt as easy as we thought it would be and as they say, the rest is history. Ive been diagnosed with endometriosis and low progesterone and my hubby with varicocele, aka low count and low motility. Read on and well continue with our introduction at the end.

Have you been facing infertility alone as an individual or a couple? Finding it difficult to cope when none of your friends can understand or they somehow always seem to say the wrong things? These are the difficulties we have been facing which inspired me to start SOULUTIONS, an on-line support group for couples in the same boat after meeting several couples in person and online.

I dont know if you agree but I think it is just so important to talk about our difficulties and frustrations and to find strength and inspiration from those around us. It really does help. Some of you, as Ive discovered along the way, may find it easier to talk about it online vs being in a physical group.

There are numerous threads and sites where we can rant and rave but after a while, discussions start to go in the same circle so I think its important to take it a step further. The purpose of Soulutions is to provide structured group support to couples/individuals. Infertility does 2 things to marriages: makes it stronger or tears it apart. Lets help each other make our marriages stronger.

Topics for discussion will be posted weekly or bi-monthly (depending on response rates) in order to help us share and cope with the various stages of discovering and coping with infertility. We will also share book titles, websites, upcoming talks, etc, which could value-add to the development of this support group.

The main aim for this support group is that we will all be happy again as a couple, with or without becoming parents.

This thread will be supported by several professionals who have very kindly agreed to guide us psychologically and medically without any biasness.

As this is a support group and not a commercially-driven nor a religiously-driven thread, it is important that the medical professionals do not make any personal recommendations or comments about doctors and hospitals and I hope likewise, that you will refrain from recommending doctors and hospitals.

Enough said, lets begin!

Which stage of acceptance are you at? Did you just discover that you and/or your spouse is (partially/fully) infertile? How are you coping?
 


Hi CY,

I chanced upon your posting at 'A place for TTC' and followed your link here. I think a local support group for couples facing the agonies of infertility is LONG overdue. My husband and I have been on this emotionally and financially draining TTC journey for the past 7 years - tried everything possible under the sun (TCM, acupuncture, Clomid, IUI, ICSI, and finally IVF and FET) you name it, we've done it. Yes, we're that 'desperate' but sad to say, God's ways are not our ways, till today, we are still CHILDLESS today. Several miscarriages aside, our greatest LOSS was in 2004, conceived twin boys thru IVF. We lost 1 twin early at 12 weeks and the other, was delivered stillborn at 20weeks. I told my husband, my heart died along with my son that fateful day in NUH...In a few weeks' time (Oct 10) is our firstborn's 2nd anniversary and we're still struggling with the loss...It just breaks my heart to see your own baby die in your hands.
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We tried again last Dec with FET, was successful but foetus did not develop a heartbeat so we aborted the pregnancy at 9 weeks. So as you can see, my TTC journey is full of heartbreaks and disappointments. And no one really can understand the depths of our pain, unless couples who are undergoing similar trials of infertility. So I do look forward to seeing this support group take off.

Coincidentally, I have an appt with my gynae todya at 9am, we're discussing what to do with my left-over embyros, whether to keep trying or stop here cos I am so afraid to be hurt again. Pray for me for wisdom. Will check in here when I return. Hugs.
 
Hi His Grace,

Take Heart.....

Just as what I have expected and listened over the mths of reading this forum, there are just too many sad stories concerning IVF etc.....well, ultimately, it is God who will decide whether there is a child to be given to all of us here......God will decide if there will be a heartbeat and always, remember children are God's gifts.....they are not the products of artificial methods.....I believe that artificial methods are always intervening with nature and God....thus, such methods are always so haphazard and disastrous.....yes, it is hurting to us as humans but if we decide to do so, we will have to bear all the pains and risks that come along with the procedure......,so I have decided as for me, I will leave the TTC and conception in God's hands.......

I treasure my health and I do not want to burdened myself with the potential risk of IVF.....so, if a child happens to me, I will receive God's blessing if I am given his blessing in his timing......if no child, means that I am fated this way.....

Trying all these artificial methods do not lead to successful conception and take home baby rates.....right? These just make one miserable and depressed.....it is just very demoralising......

Hope that a support group will help and encourage us in one way or other....

I am willing to join if anyone here wants to gather.....

Cheers!
 
Hi CY,
great to see a suport group set up for this purpose. I am writing on behalf of my sis-in-law who had been TTC for the past 5-6yrs of her marriage. When they first got married, my SIL was on contraceptive as they wanted to enjoy a few years of marriage life without kids. Finally after 2 yrs of her so-called 'boring' marriage life, she WAS ready for a child.

Till now WE (our entire family) are still not sure what is the cause of her not able to conceive but through conversations during family gatherings, she mentioned she tried most of the methods already as what His Grace mentioned, except the IVF cos she has a small threshold of pain.

According to her, she had been to numerous gynae, medical specialist etc....but she herself is also not sure what causes the problem.

I am a mother of a 3-yr old boy and can see she loves my boy & children alot whenever we meet during gatherings...
I wish she can join in the support group here, but she is not very computer savvy, so might not be keen. .I really hope to be able to help her in anyway, hence I am gathering info from ladies here who have been TTC the experiences and other knowledge on the possible causes of problems similar to my SIL's..
 
Hi CY
It would be great to have a support group set up. There are so many of use who had been done the fertility journey and remain empty handed.

My husband and I are in our mid thirties and we had been trying since we got married three years ago. Tried many rounds of IUI and had 2 IVFs. Succeded in my second IVF but lost my baby in first trimester. Subsequently I was diagnosed as having diabetes. Something I was not prepared for as I have no family history (my parents got themselves tested after my diagnosis), I am quite slim and have been exercising 5-6 days a week. The doc can't tell if I got diabetes before and caused me to lose my baby or the pregnancy trigger the onset of the diabetes.

At times, I find the world is so cruel. Not only I can't conceive, I now have to live with a chronic disease. Even if I can conceive in the future, my baby has a higher risk of abnomalities.

I feel like giving up at times and just accept that I will be childless. However, there is another part of me which tells me I should not give up. There is still hope. There are many women who had suffered much more than me and they are still keeping their head above the water.

It would be great to be able to have the support group and motivate each of use to keep continuing our journey. One day, we will be a proud mum. I know I will.
 
CY,

I came across the link to this thread in the TTC thread and i really appreciate that you have started this support group.

what i really hope to see here is a group of medical professionals, be it RE, gynaes, pschologists or even nurses who worked in IVF clinics who will be able to answer whatever questions we have along this journey.

often, the RE and gynaes we see are so pressed for time, waiting time could be like a couple of hours only for a 10 min consult. so it would be nice to channel questions online and have it answered professionally as well.

hoepfully this will also demistfy the IVF process and make it less scary to those who have yet to embark on this journey.
 
a short intro, i'm 31 and hubby is 33. been married for 2 years, ttc with medical help for the last 2 years. been diagnosed with severe PCOS before marriage.

on clomid for 3 cycles without any luck, 4th cycle on clomid + IUI, we got preggy but lost it subsequently due to low progesterone levels.

we took a break of 6 months before trying again. on first cycle of clomid + metformin + IUI, we got lucky and got preggy but sadly after 7 weeks, the HCG level started to flucuate. the pte gynae i saw insisted we wait for 2 weeks for a natural misciage to occur, but we decided to seek a second opinion after 1 week.

during the second opinion, we found out that it was a life risking ectopic pregnancy. thk goodness, it has not ruptured yet, but due to the delay in diagnosing, despite best attempts, one of the tubes is damaged beyond repair.

during the surgery, the other doctor also found out that there are adhesions on the left ovary sticking it to the back of the womb.

with the left ovary out of action and the right tube damaged by the ectopic, the only option left is IVF.

while undergoing routine tests at the hospital before tsarting on IVF, the RE found some polyps growing in the womb which have to be removed before embarking on the IVF program.

this led to a hysterscopy and d & c one month after surgery for ectopic and d & C.

the last few months has been traumatic for me as a woman, and for us as a couple.

we are suppose to go sign the IVF papers next week but i wonder if that's the best way forward.

perhaps like what MK said earlier, maybe we shd leave it in God's hands. Maybe we shoudl stop tampering with nature and let things be.

however statistics have shown that after 5 IVF cycles, 90% of couples do conceive, but i guess it's up to indiviual couples to decide if they really want to go ALL THE WAY there.

to all those who have embarked on the IVF jouurney, good luck!
 
Dear all,

Thank you for sharing your journeys. All of us have taken different routes to navigate ourselves to the same destination: Parenthood. And yes, it is a dang tough journey!

Whilst we acknowledge that it is unfair especially when others around us seem to fall pregnant at a drop of a hat, MK, you're right, there is a reason for everything and I suppose, it is the lessons we pick up along the way that are also important and shouldnt be ignored. WHAT SELF REALISATIONS HAVE YOU DISCOVERED ALONG YOUR JOURNEY(S)?

One of the lessons I picked up was that I cant be both a career woman as well as a mom. My job required me to travel a lot and coincidentally, it was often on the days I was ovulating!!!! Besides 'importing' my hubby, there was really not many other ways to succeed in those months which were infuriating. Also, with most of us keeping long work hours, can you imagine being a mom like that? Seeing your child asleep when you leave the house and asleep again when you reach home? It then occurred to me that one cannot move from one state to another just like that. There must then be little changes and adjustments to be made. WHAT ARE THE STEPS MUST MY HUBBY & I TAKE TO PREPARE OURSELVES AND OUR LIVES FOR A CHILD? WHICH PART OF OUR LIFESTYLES MUST WE CHANGE? WHAT SACRIFICES MUST WE MAKE? HAVE WE SPOKEN ABOUT IT? ARE OUR EXPECTATIONS THE SAME?

As were at the 5th year of discovering our fertility scorecard, were now pretty cool joe about it all. on the surface at least! Each visit to the doc feels like listening to the same broken record telling us that were not worse. but were not better either! After which well go into mourning mode before we say, Whats new?! Lets snap out of it! and then try our best to move on with our lives.

This is a stark contrast to the time of our first discovery. We recall feeling pure devastation a 100% of it right slammed in our faces! My hubbys fertility scorecard was established first. We didnt know how to handle it both as a couple and as individuals. It was so difficult with a myriad of emotions: pain, paralyzing fear, shock, disappointment, embarrassment, anger. I wanted to comfort him but at the same time be away from him and I discovered later that he felt the same, too. Those of you who have experienced this, too, HOW DID YOU HANDLE THE REVELATION? I suppose, youd agree that constant communication of your feelings and listening to your spouses feelings are what gets you through rough days, huh?

I recall going through different stages of grieving the state of our sub-fertility (prefer this word to infertility as it sounds more hopeful & its also cos BOTH of us have problems, not just one of us. Haha!) as an individual & as a couple:
- SHOCK & DISBELIEF (How can?! Are you sure, doc?),
- ANGER (angry at God & circumstances around us why me, why us? Why didnt we start trying earlier? Why didnt I read all the writings on the wall when my period went wonky to see a doc sooner? Why did my hubby take so much antibiotics when he was younger that it could have affected his sperm count? Maybe Im too plumb, should I shed some kilos? I think Ive been a good Christian so why am I given this cross to carry? why, why, why?!),
- NEED FOR SECRECY (didnt want to tell anyone, even our parents, cos it was very embarrassing esp when everyone around us were falling pregnant faster than you can say baby! and wonder what would they think; theyd laugh, theyd say my hubbys not man enough and that probably Im not good enough to be a mom.)
- and then DEPRESSION intermittently for a long time.monthly, each time I see a pregnant woman or when I hear someone I know has fallen pregnant, when we get test results.(Hey all, depression can be controllable and uncontrollable. If you feel that youre spiraling downwards, please speak to someone; your spouse, friend, doctor, share it one this thread. Just dont try to handle it alone if you think youre already pushed to the max. When you feel that youre all alone in this, you really are not.)

HERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS FOR YOU AS A COUPLE TO CHEW ON:
- ARE WE AT THE SAME STAGE OF ACCEPTANCE AS A COUPLE?
- WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
- HOW IS OUR LEVEL OF COMMUNICATION?

Can you share on how you have been coping both as an individual & as a couple? What helps you feel better? Friends? A hobby? Books (which one)?
 
His Grace,
How did your discussion go today? You have both gone through a lot. Pray for your babies each time you think of them and esp when you hurt cos each prayer will bring them closer to God and to you. Your prayers would comfort them and that's you as their mommy & daddy can do - cradle your loved ones in prayer. Also, seriously give yourselves some time from all of it - it'll do you a lot of good.

MK,
It's great having you in this support group. I see your strength and we need it in here.

S@L,
It'll be great if you continue providing your SIL with the support she needs.

Babyhopeful,
Sorry to hear about your diabetes. Did doc say it's here to stay? I know of some women who gets diabetes during their pregnancy and it tapers off after. I hope yours will. Take the time to get your health back on track and diabetes under control before you continue trying for a baby, girl.

Babymaking,
You, too, have gone through a lot. I hope this thread would be a good support for you in time to come.
 
Soulutions.

I suppose you and your husband are christians rite?
I have heard many testimonies and indeed our ways are not God's way, our timing are not God's timing, and indeed I heard many many miracle of testimonies of how christians couples are so bless with many bundle of joy in their late 30s and 40s..

There is this couple ttc for 8 yrs..many ppl prayed for them, pastors, reverend, prophets but no avail thru these 8 years, but just when God coming, we just contain it cos they have 4 beautiful children one by one coming ONE ANOTHER NATURALLY! Heard that her 4th child born when she was in her early 40s..

My cousin ttc for 12 yrs and now in their mid 30s finally conceived! THe wife is nw 5 months pregnant

Another couple had 2 miscarriages, but nw in their late 30s..bless with 2 beautiful boy & gal.

So you must remember ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD.
We chrstians everthnig happen for a reason, His plans are to prosperous us and not to harm us, Read the book of JOB, isint he even worse?

I had a stillborn and I am still waiting God promises and blessings
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Psams 61:1-4 , Jeremiah 29:11,keeps me going
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So dear friend, hang on there ok?
I am sure when God release his great blessings, you will not be able to contain it.
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Dear CY and all,

it's barely been a week and the response on this thread is tremendous. It further reinforces the need for such a heart-to-heart support group for local ladies right here in Singapore. As for CY's question on how we cope, we've done the following:

1, We joined a support group started by our church for couples longing for children. But the pastor in-charge declared at the start that it is only an ad-hoc meeting for the purpose of exploring God's word with regards to infertility and will not continue indefinitely. So after 6 sessions of bible studies, the group has disbanded. Since then, 2 couples have succesfully conceived, leaving the others feeling miserable and left behind again.
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2. My husband and I have supportive families who do not PRESSURE us to produce off-springs. I guess that helps. I feel most of the pressure comes from myself - I desire greatly to have a child of my own, to love and to behold, to be my pride and joy.

3. My hubby is my PILLAR of support, of which I could never thank God enough for. He reassures me EVERYDAY that he'd rather have me than a child if it means me going through those painful injections and treatments and eventually endangering my life (like in my case 2 years ago, my placenta could not be dislodged after I delivered our stillborn and I was rushed into the OT for a 3-hours emergency op. I lost so much blood that I was warded for a week). My husband affirms me that he just wants to spend his lifetime loving me, with or without children. But on my part, I want to give him a child out of the abundance of the love we have...

4. We have also read books on infertility to encourage and educate ourselves. Let me share a few worthy titles here with all of you:
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a. Moments for Couples who Long for Children (by Ginger Garrett) - very good for meditations.

b. Water from the Rock (by Donna Gibbs) - Promises on how to find God in the midst of our childlessness

c. Hannah's Hope (by Jennifer Saake) - Seeking God's heart in the midst of infertility

d. Safe in the arms of God (by John MacArthur) Truth from Heaven about the death of a child (given by a close friend upon our baby's death)

For more details on these books, just google them on www.amazon.com. We ordered them through Kinokuniya which will indent the books for you at no extra charge. Have a blessed week everyone.

Cheers,
His Grace
 
it's wonderful to those who are christians to share your faith and how your faith has helped you to cope with your sub fertility journey.

However as a non christian, i feel that it's a bit awkward as this is supposed to be a non religious thread.

i hope the above post does not offend anyone. but as a former christian i do find it annoying when good events are attributed to 'trust and faith' and when bad things happen, it's attributed to 'us not submitting to god's will, not our time, have faith and it will happen' etc.

perhaps we should just concentrate on how to cope emotionally secularly and avoid all mention of God.
 
Hi all,
I totally agree with baby-making's comments. Initially i came into this thread after reading what CY posted that this is a non-religious thread and was interested to find out more to help my SIL if possible.

However out of the many postings here, it seems 80% of the posts mentioned GOd and how Christians feel that such things are 'controlled' by GOD.

It does get a bit annoying for non-Chirstians and hopefully this thread can be neutral and people who posts are purely just sharing their innermost thoughts and experience but not trying to instill any form of religion in this thread. Or perhaps for really religous couples, you may wish to start another Support Group for your religion.
 
Good Day everyone,

Thanks for all the wonderful sharing.....

Though at times, I feel that TTC and having babies should leave it to the hands of our God, whenever each mth the TTC fails, I kept on losing my faith.....anyone here have ways to keep one's faith strong despite all the countless failures......

At times, not attempting AI nor seeing gynaes, that is, simply not doing any thing, seems to cause me to feel guilty as if I am not doing anything to help myself and hubby......as you know that time is passing very fast each year.....

Life is very contradicting.....going to see gynaes and attempting AI methods, emotionally draining and physically as well......so, I am very tired.......but not going to see them...I fear that I will regret....

Well, at this pt in time, I am very tired......somtimes, I think that I am immuned to listening or seeing people getting pregnant........how does it feel to be pregnant?

I wonder if I really will be able to experience this gift of life........

At times, I just feel that life is meaningless....trying to find meaning in other aspects of life, beside simply just starting a family.......

Cheers!
 
MK
Just want to encourage you - I have a friend who was married for 7 years, no kids not matter what they tried and they accepted they wld be childless. Then abt 4 yrs ago, she got pregnant (naturally) gave birth to bb boy. One yr later, they only happend to baby-make one time and she was preggie again.. another boy! And recently she had a beautiful daughter-- so from being childless 7 yrs ago, they are now proud and bz parents of 3 active kids. So don't give up!
 
Hi Ladies

Just happen to stumble by this thread.. Lets be open to the postings here... As one of my friend say, for christians - some where along our life, God changed his plan for us and for Buddhist - its fate...

For me, I believe in fate. Que sera sera whatever will be will be... What we have in our life is destined.

I am destined not to have bb.. As least you ladies have the chance to TTC... so ladies, don't give up just because of a little failure.. Be positive and have inner peace, den you will be able to come on terms with yourself and relax..TTCs is a very stressful process especially if you failed once before... the urgency for success is even greater... Try to take it easy... Let nature takes its own course... I am sure all of you will succeed soon... Don't be upset by friends imforming you that they are pregnant or inviting you to their baby's shower... Share their joy with them and in return, one day they will also share your bb's shower joy with you.

I do not have the opportunity to have bb anymore but I am always very happy whenever any of my friends tell me that they are pregnant.... This is life, take it positively and you will have a happy future ahead...
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wonder why no one has mentioned adoption as an alternative. my husb n i fall into the same cat as u guys. n we are close to adopting a filipino boy. whn things are more finalised, i'll post his pic...a fine, charming lad...

why do we insist on our own flesh n blood, whn there are so many abandoned children in the world...abandoned in toilets, shopping malls, on the streets etc...is loving not blessing those who are less fortunate?
 
Hi Adoption

Yes, my hubby and I are also thinking of adoption as another alternative....if natural TTC fails us.....

However, one must be truely prepared if one wants to go for adoption.......have a caring and open heart....must treat these children as if they are one's flesh and blood......

Thanks Grace for your encouragement.....as long as we try our best, I think that having a child is truely God's blessing.........in his will and timing....

Such things cannot be rushed.....

Cheers!
 
Dear Babymaking & S@L

I apologise if this thread as it has been skewed towards Christianity instead of remaining secular. It was not my intention when I started this support group. I'm sure, however, you'd both agree, that where matters very close to our hearts are concerned, most of us become spiritual; whichever our religion. It's part of our coping mechanism.

Moving forward, pls, everyone who's reading this thread, feel free to express yourselves and share with us in your own spirituality & religions whilst being sensitive to others of different religions. This space is to allow all of us who are in similar situations, to share and lean on each other as we continue on our journeys - that is the purpose of a support group. In this space, there is no right nor wrong in the way we feel and express ourselves because all our feelings are similar, regardless of race, language or religion.

Beary, thanks for endorsing this & sharing with us, I hope to see you here esp when we move on with other topics to share on.

His Grace, thanks for sharing your list of books & its great to see that your hubby & family have been so support thats half the battle won, isnt it?

A book a friend recommended, which is very funny, is Infertility Sucks! Keeping it all together when sperm and egg stubbornly remain apart by Beverly Barna. For book review, see: http://www.amazon.com/Infertility-Keeping-together-stubbornly-remain/dp/1401069266/sr=8-1/qid=1158570917/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-5978261-2412831?ie=UTF8&s=books

Adoption, thanks for highlighting this. Yes, it is indeed another alternative to form a family. In fact, my hubby & I are actually proud parents of a wonderfully beautiful 12.5 mth old girl whom we adopted since she was 2 days old. Adoption is a huge alternative to consider. Those of you who wish to consider this option, we will discuss this very soon, however, we are still focusing our thread on how to cope with infertility.

I hope to continue seeing everyone in here.

Have a great week ahead.

CY
 
Hi

From my point of view, when time to move on, we just hae to move on and forget about the past. Dwelling on to the past is very bad for our health and relationship.

My journey from TTC till now has been a disastrous one.. No success story to share but been through 3 surgeries...now confirmed cannot conceive but I tell myself, life must goes on...so all the sad pasts are forgotten... Now the only thing that I look forward to is to spend time with my family members... I even embarked on the option surrogacy but I think its still not acceptable in our society so I gave up the idea...Adoption is still a big question mark to me...
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hi beary,
I've read your post from another thread & i would like to salute you. For your courage, for the way you've handled you ups & downs, and for the way you've been able to share your advices, despite being in a trapped situation...i've failed 2 fresh IVF & 1 FET, and have been going through emotional roller coasters...always wondering why everything seemed right, yet it's still a -ve...and keep dwelling on the failures.
Guess you're right, it's time that i pull myself out of this self-pity and buck up.
Thanks Beary...
 
Hi Ad

You are welcome... Glad that my advise can help... Well, to be honest, I should thank my gynae for being there for me and for counselling and giving me great support throughout those trying times.. Its through his encouragement, support and advises that I am able to pull through and see things positively and move on...
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Hi CY and adoption,

My hubby and I have attended adoption briefings by FeiYue Family Svs Ctr and have considered the option. I do not think that we cannot love our adopted children like our own but the hurdle is how we can get our family members and relatives to do likewise...

If it is convenient, I'll like to ask you both more abt the adoption process and issues involved cos there are really lots of intricate details (e.g. duration, costs, legality etc) which a briefing can't answer. Do you mind PM-ing me? Much appreciated.
 
Hi His Grace,

Sorry for the late reply. Have been sick like a dog the last couple of days!

BTW, you are not PM-able.

Firstly, Id like to say that although Im an adoptive mum, Im not advocating that adoption is the way to go for everyone.

Adoption IS a huge hurdle for the 2 of you as well as your immediate families (grandparents, siblings). Even if it is for you, it is still an uncommon method of forming a family and it then becomes the perorgative of adoptive families to enlighten others about it. Around us, there are many who genuinely interested to know more about it and others who are just enuinely kaypoh. This is something you'd both have to be prepared for. The question,"How much did you pay, ah?", which disgusts us, will always pop up unfortunately.

From our experience, I think doing a press release to immediate family and close friends once youve made a decision is very important; telling them that youve decided to adopt a particular child who will be coming approximately when. As the reason why he/she has been put up for adoption is your childs story, it is very important that you respect that and say you dont know much cos when you release details of the birth mother and father, youd be surprised at how long some people can remember and they might regurgitate it to your child later on or tell others and this will never end.

As for the process, well, it depends on where the babys coming from. Fei Yue and Touch are 2 authorised adoption agencies dealing with babies/children from China and there are other half-way homes you may comtact too, such as Andrew & Grace Home (dont know if you caught them on tele recently). And of course, there are other private arrangements, for eg, through friends. If, however, you are open to adopting and want to pave your way towards it, contact MCYS who would then explain the process in detail to you and arrange for an interview with you as a couple followed by a home visit to see the environment in which the child will be brought up in.

If you are adopting a baby who will be delivered in Singapore, then youll be bearing the hospitalization costs of both birth mother and baby (epidural and even c-section if it is required). Legal fees is another element. If you want, you may give the birth mother a little ang pow to help her with her recovery but this is optional.

Found a thread in here which also gave some info on adoption which you may want to take a look at: http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/messages/36738/271858.html?1146415898

All said, my hubby and I are really really happy that we made a decision to adopt. I was more reluctant as I was the one undergoing all the treatments (depression causing clomid, 4 jabs and a blood test monthly) and had recently gone through a laparoscopy. But when we sat back to talk about it further, we said to ourselves that adopting doesnt mean that we stopped trying and at the end, we could have more than 1 child which would be great!

I agree that making the decision to adopt is a huge huge mental hurdle but once youve crossed that hurdle, like me, you may feel a huge load lifted off your shoulders. From the time leading up to our daughters birth, we have been really happy with the decision and the pains of barren arms had been lifted. Certainly, adoption doesnt have its own set of complications & worries. The anxiety of birth parents changing their minds before the petition is signed, the disclosure to the child of his/her birth, managing kaypohs.

Of course, I am reminded of my infertility when I bleed prematurely monthly (cos of low progesterone) but I tell myself that at least I have a child now.. which is the reason why I decided to start this support group. Im STILL suffering from infertility. It was primary infertility and now it has become secondary infertility. For those of you who know others who had given birth before and are unable to conceive the second time, do invite them to this thread too.

Found this book co-written by an infertility patient & her gynae very uplifting: When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden by Sandra Gahn & William Cutrer (see http://www.amazon.com/Empty-Arms-Become-Heavy-Burden/dp/0805461272/sr=8-1/qid=1158900511/ref=sr_1_1/104-8323380-4545567?ie=UTF8&s=books). Again, this is a Christian skewed book but only just mildly which makes it a good reading for all. Another interesting read is Conquering Infertility by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D (see http://www.amazon.com/Conquering-Infertility-Enhancing-Fertility-Coping/dp/0142002011/sr=1-1/qid=1158901603/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-8323380-4545567?ie=UTF8&s=books)

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON ADOPTION? Will it or will it not work for you?

Till next time, take care, have a great weekend ahead and stay healthy amidst this flu season!

CY
 
Hi, I'm one of those who had difficulty conceiving second time. It's pretty hard for me to handle coz I conceived my boy easily the first time. He turns 7 next year and my husband and I have been trying without success for almost 4 years.

We wanted a 4 year gap so started TTC when he was 3 years old. During the first year, we thought nothing of it coz it seems normal not to conceive after only few months of trying.

On the 2nd year, I reluctantly consulted my gynae and was given clomid but due to my hubby's busy work schedule and my lazy nature, we probably missed many ovulations. Frankly, this was the year that I learn about timing and symptoms of ovulation...after having a child so it's abit unbelivable ya...

Also, my hubby was half-hearted in this "quest" coz he's ok with one child so he can be rather "uncooperative" at times citing tiredness etc. On the other hand, I wanted so much to give my boy a sibling coz when you see him playing on his own and talking to himself it can get abit heartbreaking.

3rd year my gynae suggested SA for my hubby but he refused so it was another difficult time. In addition, people start to ask those painful questions like "so when you getting a 2nd kid". Then friends and SIL start to pop out no. 2 and no. 3 kids and while I am happy for them, such news made me feel depressed coz it reminds me of my own fertility issue.

Now we are in 4th year, still on clomid but changed gynae and hubby finally agreed to go SA. Result came out normal so next step is for me to check my tubes. I'll be 34 next year so is getting rather anxious coz age is a concern for me.

Many people tell me not to get upset coz "at least we already have one". But they don't understand that it's because of our boy that we embark on this "quest". Some also suggested adoption but for now, that's a path we won't be considering although we are supportive of this idea.

Thanks for starting this thread where I get to share some "heartache". Will be introducing this place to my other "thread-mates" from "Diff to conceive for 2nd bb".

Wish everyone a great weekend
happy.gif
 
Hi Wen,

Thanks for sharing. Secondary infertility is as painful as primary infertility. Someone close to me experienced this and she told me that her son was neglected some days when she was depressed and down each time a treatment failed. She's in her 50s now with 1 child and although her 'active' heartache's thing in the past, she does recall the pain she went through. Her son, on the other hand, thoroughly enjoyed and is still enjoying being the only focus in his parents' lives! So there goes, at least 1 person's happy!

If you have been trying for sometime and not gotten yourself and your hubby checked and not fully taken advantage of 'good' days, you should get those done right away. Who knows, it could simply be that you have not made use of your ovulation days? : ) Here's a site with checklist of things you could tick against: http://www.fertilitycarecentre.co.uk/?id=29.

In the meantime, focus now on your medical examinations and then see what are your chances and options available to you.

Could you share on how you have been coping when you felt down? Any books to recommend?

Take care, meantime,
CY
 
Hi CY,
Reali feel so happy for you and your hubby to adopt such a wonderful baby.

Yes, adoption is a huge decision to make. I've overcome it and was so near to adopt a local baby boy. It was a joy, anxiety etc preparing for his arrival. With friends, relatives and colleagues support, we feel its a blessing. But in the end, the baby was not put up for adoption.

Since we TTC for almost 9 years, it had been hard to us when relatives started to ask. Its so sensitive to me. As a woman, its not that I don't want to conceive but I can't due to my severe endometrosis. Had 1 operation and 2 lapascopy done. I was so heart broken when I was diagnose the illness year after year. Then I tried TCM, accupuncture, spent so much but thinking its still worthwhile. But still -ve.

I am lucky to have a supportive husband. He accepted the fact to be childless. And love me even more. He knew my misery and stressed we had to face. We do love children alot and have so much love to pour onto them. We treated our nieces and nephews like precious kids, provided them anything they want.

Yes, we long for our own child, even he/she is an adopted.
 
Hello lotr

Welcome to this thread & thanks for your sharing.

For those of you TTC & considering adoption but think you're not quite there yet... here are some thoughts:

My hubby & I were just talking and we started seeing so many similarities between TTC & TTA (Trying to Adopt). Just as one craves & hopes for a baby in her womb, waiting for a baby to be put up for adoption & seeing the entire process through has the same amount of anxieties! Yes, I'm saying that it doesn't mean that once you've made up your minds to adopt that you'll definitely have a baby available! Just as LOTR just mentioned, the adoption fell through when the birth mom/parents decide to keep her/their baby. It is almost like a still birth, isn't it? So close yet so far. Being able to be linked to a potential baby you can adopt is similar to finding out that you're expecting, too, right? A baby girl was delivered prematurely & put up for adoption to a couple close to us but after 2 days, she died due to complications linked to premature births - won't it feel like having your own premature baby, too? The waiting time for our adoptive children to be born is as anxious as having biological children on the way....and during the labour and delivery of our adoptive children, we, adoptive parents also go through a lot of anxiety & concern over not only the health of our babies but also that of the birth mom..... double! : )

Well, with the list above, those of you who are considering adoption as a possible route for you to start a family, perhaps, the 'battle wounds' won't be there for you physically, trust me, they are there in your hearts! : ) Are you geared up for it? It's just the same level of anxiety, just in different places.

Just some food for thought!

CY
 
lotr,

one more thing to add: don't give up TTA just as you've not given up on TTC. it's all worth it! and yes, my hubby & i feel as if we had 'conceived' the first time we tried! if it's meant to be, they say, and so right! just keep at it and you'll see!

: ) CY
 
CY,
Totally agree. When were get to know the birth of the adopted baby, we were like being there to receive him. Like you said, its not physically but mentally we go thru the same process and the same amount of anxieties. We will never give up TTC or TTA. Keep alook out for us if any adoption arises. I am sure it will be a wait worth waiting for.
 
Hi LOTR

Sure, will keep a look out for you. Have you gone through the interview process & home visit with MCYS? If not, I'd suggest you do that so that this is out of the way should a baby become available. If you need the #, let me know.

Take care,
CY
 
hi Wen,
I shared the same experience as you. I conceived my boy on the first try and to us, we thought conceiving is so easy. When he was 9 months old, we started to try for the second one, but until today he is already 2.5 years old and still not successful. I have tried to see a gyn and he said that i am fine and ask my hubby to go for SA but my hubby so far has not done so. I am already 35 years this year. Really, getting a bit depressed by this TTC thingy. Sometimes, felt that it is fated and no point to ask for more.
 
Hi all,

Yes, life is unpredictable at times...
I was on contraceptives for about 2 years after marriage, then I stopped for a year to TTC. Nothing happened, so we went to the gynae to get things checked out...Gynae said hubby's sperm count on the low side.... Just one week later, I conceived, so hubby really questioned the results of the test.
Then, when the kid was one, we took precautions and try to avoid the ovulation period, but I conceived again...
Not that I have any advice for all, but I think, some things are out of our hands...=)
 
L L,

I really hope my hubby and myself will be similar to your case.......my hubby diagnosed to have low sperm quality though count was okay...

Mind if you share......how abt your hubby's sperm quality though the count was a low side....

Really envy your case......I guess that if God really wants to give us the gift of life....he will only God knows what's best for us.......such baby dreams are fated, I guess.....

Was rather encouraged by your case......I think just have to relax and not think abt the conception issue too much....I feel that the more effort put in, the more things will not come our way............as proven by many who had done so much work on conception.......some are paid off by their efforts while others still failed despite so much effort and money spent....

Which gynae did you see?

Cheers!
 
Hi MK,
A bit sensitive to name my gynae but the practice is at TMC...

BTW, let me share a story, not of myself but one of my patients (I used to work in a hospital)...

One day, an elderly couple (wife was late 40s, husband around there or early 50s- my guess) came to see me with a newborn baby...
I said, whoa, so nice of grandparents to bring their grandchild for check-up...

They looked sheepish and a little embarressed and then corrected me by saying, this was THEIR CHILD, not their grand-child.
I quickly apologized and said I should not have been so presumtious...

They then explained that for many years after marriage, they were childless, and decided to adopt two kids, where were by then young adults..
Then out of the blue, the wife conceived, and now, they are proud parents of their own kid....
I was so touched by their story...

So it goes to show, some things are really OUT OF OUR HANDS...enjoy the time you have with your other loved ones, and do things you like...do not get too OBSESSED with fertility issues...

Hope the story adds another dimension to this discussion thread...=)
 
Hi L L,

Thanks.....

At times, I tend to be obsessed with fertility issues.....but I think that it is no use....as it is doing more harm than good to our bodies......

Hope that you will continue to share more heartwarming stories with us here in this forum......

I do hope that I am going in the right direction, as in not doing IVF now......just leaving things up to my fate as I am destined to be.......

Cheers!
 
Hi MK,
By all means go for IVF, but it takes more than IVF to conceive a child...that is what I am trying to convey...
Yes, I like reading heartwarming stories on this website too...so all readers out there...do share...
 
Hi,

just wanna share another story.

my friend is already in her mid thirties when she got married. she tried so hard to have a child but it just wont happen. after ttc for 4 years, she conceived but suffered a miscarriage. she then decided not to try anymore cos she's already 40. however just as idea of not having any child of her own sinks in, she got preggie! now, she is a proud mother of a boy and she is already 43!

hope this story can spur us on!
 
Hi,

I am in my mid-30s and we have been ttc for more than 4 yrs. My husband's normal sperm count is only 2% and has not improved despite taking health supplements.

I did an IUI before but was not successful. Thinking of doing it another time but my doc proposed to check the fallopian tubes first. I have some queries which I hope someone can share with me:

Q) For checking of blockage of fallopian tubes, it is usually done by X-ray where a dye is injected into the cervix. I would like to know if anyone did it through Ultrasound before(which I heard is newer method)? Is it very painful?

I am glad to find this support group and I hope everyone here will be strong as we go through this ttc journey.
 
Hi Dream,

U r not alone though.....my hubby sperm normal morphology is also very bad....last SA test shows only 1%......

I am also at a crossroad as I am not sure if I should embark on the ultimate IVF journey....

The journey to conception is a very difficult and tiring process....as there r no clear answers to the problems all couples face........no clear solutions as well.....all by trial and error........

Cheer up, be strong.....we should learn to take whatever life has to offer.....used to worry a lot abt such conception problems.....now, I still worry......but such are just beyond human control and intervention......

Hope you have a successful and fruitful journey to conception.....
 
Dream, I'm scheduled to do HSG X-ray to check my fallopian tubes next Tuesday.

I read from the brochure that the procedure is not painful...only slight cramping...hope that's true ;p Anyway I tell myself I might as well get it done and over with. At least I will know if my tubes are fine. I've not heard about ultrasound method though.

Will update you...
 
Dream and Joan

We are almost in the same boat. HB sperm normal morphology is bad. Had 2 failed IUI. Am not sure if I should start the IVF journey........
 
Hi Dream,Joan n Atlas,

We r all in the same boat. HB count, morphology n motility is bad despite surgery to correct his variocele.

I oso got hormone problem which caused me to not hv any period for past 1.5yrs.

Sigh... oso not sure if shd start IVF journey or not. Planning to get my gynae to refer me to NUH instead of KKH.

Any recommendations?
 
Hi everyone,

Well, there is nothing we could do to help to improve our hubby sperm count and quality.....all we need to do now is to advise our hubbies and ourselves to lead a healthy lifestyle -- exercise, eat healthy and good sleep.....and so on....hopefully the change in lifestyle will help to improve our condition.....

IS IVF a solution? I dun think so as this is not 100% guaranteed......what I must say is that one has to really consider all aspects when we embark on this programme......consider financial, emotional and physical aspects......be prepared to face any health risks if any....as everyone response differently to various medications.....

I am not sure if I should go thru IVF.....as even if go thru IVF, it may still end up with no kids but a host of other problems.....

I dun know.....
 
Hi Joan, Wen, atlas007, Tweetie,

I am actually thinking of IVF cos age is catching up. Prob will try IVF if IUI fail after few times. However, like what Joan mentioned, there are many aspects to consider...my main concern is the medical side effect that it may have on the body...need careful consideration.

Ok..seems no one heard of using Ultra-sound to check any blockage of fallopian tube. Not sure whether to use this method, though my gynae say it is better.

Wen, how is yr HSG using X-ray?..Is it painful? Where did you go for HSG and how much does it cost?

Thks...In the meantime, everybody take care!
 
dream, i have not gone for HSG yet...appointment is next week on 17-Oct at KKH. will update u after that.
 
Hi

I am glad to find this thread. My story is that DH and I are married for 3 years but have not been successful in our TCC journey since we married. Part of the problem lies in the fact that DH and my job requires us to travel frequently (usually three to four days a week) plus I have irregular cycles, which made it impossible to plan our business trips in advance so that they will not fall on the days where I am likely to ovulate. The stress is taking a toll on our relationship. The RE has suggested that I use birth control and progesterin to regulate the cycle in preparation for IUI with injectible drugs. Once the cycle is regulated, we can then try to ensure that we are in Singapore on the crucial dates e.g. date of insemination. I was warned of the side effects, though, including mood swings etc. I wondered if anyone has tried to regulate the cycle and how to cope with the side effects.
 


Wen and Dream,
Hi! I have done my HSG on 3rd Oct.I paid around $130 for the procedure at KKH. Before doing it, same as you, I'm very anxious and worried abt the pain issue. I tried to check out from pple whom have done this b4 in other thread. They said the pain is quite bearable. In fact the whole process only last for 15 mins.But the nurse seem "KUKU", pretty new there, just stand there and don't know what to do.However, Dr (Radiographer) very experienced. Only the part when the dye is inserted in and When I was asked to turn to right side and left side to allow the dye flowing in to both tube that I feel the pain. Wow! Very sharp cramp and pain, but last very short less than 5 seconds. Result was revealed to me immediately, as reflected on the screen. When finished, you were asked to wear a pad and rest near the nurse station. A very kind nurse then poured a cup of hot milo and checked whether I'm okay. Rested for about another 15 mins, they will check if I feel giddy or unwell. Before leaving they made you sign to agreed you are alright and no discomfort, if there is pain have to go back to A & E.I feel alright, no pain, nothing at all. Until went back home, after a nap, I feel lower abd. pain, I took panadol*2 and after that went on holiday the next day. Seems like I have forgotten the pain and happily enjoyed myself in my holiday.
 
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