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Mother In Law (MIL) Conflict... NEED ADVICE

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by pinkpig, Aug 24, 2008.

  1. pinkpig

    pinkpig New Member

    I live in my MIL house with hubby, maid, daughter (2 yrs) and son (5 months). MY MIL& FIL live with her eldest son.

    My MIL is a extreme MIL. She loves my daughter (2 yr +) so much that she will cancel her appointments to fit my schedules. Try pushing all her appointments to Sat/Sun or when I am on leave. She prefers me to work late and ask me to even go shopping and come back later. Once when I took half day leave to bring my daughter go out, she will find alot of reason (e.g. sun too hot, timing too late etc)and tell me not to bring my daughter out. She will say: "if u want go out, u can go out yrself to shop" This happens many times already, she will stop me from taking leave to company my daughter and if i take leave to go checkup for my health, she will not allow me to bring her along.

    She snatch to feed my daughter, bathe my daughter... Everytime I come home from work, we will start snatching who to bathe who to feed... I want bathe and feed her, she also will say: "nevermind, u go have dinner, I will feed"
    At night when I going to bring my child home after dinner at her place, she will ask me to leave my daughter with her and ask me go home WITHOUT her. My hubby got no opinion one lor... He everything also keep quiet.

    On weekends, she will come over to my place and buy breakfast for all on pretext to see my daughter. I know becos before she enter the door, she will ask whoever who she sees first: " where is my daughter? What she doing now?" She will first thing look for my daughter when she enters the house.

    My daughter seems so close to her and sometimes want her instead of me. I am so worried that my daughter will one day just say she want to stay at her house instead of going home with me. I live so terribly becos everyday I try to rush home after work to take care of my daughter myself. She will snatch to take care even when I am home. she ask me to eat dinner so that she can feed her. she brings my child down to walk walk at night with her hubby leaving me at home with hubby and maid. Since she take care whole day, why cannot let me care for her at night since I whole day at work cannot see my daughter?

    she ask my daughter to sleep with her at night and dont follow mummy home. She ask me dont take leave and she love my daughter to 101%. When I touches my daughter, she will sure find things to say. When I give my daughter a gummy sweet, she screams to the loudest saying it will choke her, then I realised that she feeds the same sweet to my daughter finishing the whole packet in the fridge. She is so overly protective of her that I am so scared of her presence now... I am otherwise happy to have her as my MIl other than the fact that she is trying to take over my position as a mother. I feel threatened that my daughter will get so close to her that she will prefer living with her instead of with me. Just yesterday, she want to bring her along my daughter to her place after dinner at my house. She will wear shoes for her and ask my daughter everyday the same qns: "Want to sleep with NaiNai tonight at my house?" My daughter say ok and she tell me she will bring her over. I say cannot becos I worried she will cry knowing my daughter surely wont cry lah...

    I avoid weekend outings with them as a result to avoid my child contact with them. During outings, she will snatch to carry and hold my daughter hands.

    At restaurant dinners, lunch together, she will snatch to sit beside the baby high chair. When I shift the baby high chair to another location as I sit another chair, she will stand up and also shift herself to sit with my daughter. So both of us sit one side with my daughter. She will snatch to feed my daughter at the restaurant also. She will also snatch to take the food and put in the kids bowl. Once, we eat at restaurant (my daughter birthday) with my parents side family also there. As usual, she sit beside the baby chair, then when my mother ask me to shift the baby chair becos my mother want sit with me, so I shift baby chair to beside me and mother beside me on the other side, my maid sit on the other side of my baby high chair. Then throughout the dinner, she cannot feed and take dishes for my child and she keep commenting everything we feed my daughter. She will say: a) the chicken cut too big, b) celery too hard cannot give, c)the toufu too hot, d) the fish got bone, e) soup very hot etc etc. Everything she will shout and say loud loud until her other son and daughter also find her strange I think...

    Becos of my MIL behaviour, I have been taking alot of leave, mc etc.. I try to company my daughter so much that i neglected my marriage with hubby. My hubby does not understd me becos he feels its fine that my daughter close with his mum.

    I need some comments. Is she normal? or am i crazy? I asked around, no one face same problem as me. Ppl's MIL usually prefer to have their Daughter in law to share the load with them.

    Note: so far she never show much possesiveness over my 5months old son yet. Only my daughter lor.
     
  2. ches_fel

    ches_fel New Member

    just my 2 cents option, try to put your daughter and son and sit side by side with you whenever there is a need to go out together to have meals. Dont let your MIL has a single chance to feel or say out that you only love your daughter and neglect your son or purposely trying to fight with your MIL on your daughter and not really love your daughter.

    if i will you, whenever she says out anything regards to the food that I give my daughter, I will just say it out like" Darling, NaiNai said that you cannot eat this and that coz this is too hot, hard or whatever comments she gives" in front of all the people and also take the chance to let your daughter knows. Mayhe your daughter will cry and said nothing to eat, then you comment again that it is your NaiNai who forbid mommy to get it you. This really works and sometimes the surrounding relatives will talk back. Haha... to cruel of me..

    Dont think that the kid will not understand, now the new generation kids are different from olden days. So just say out whatever she comments in front of your daughter.
     
  3. pinkpig

    pinkpig New Member

    hi Daniel,
    Thanks for yr previous advice. I really feel at lost with my "good" MIL.

    Is there anyone out there with such misery like me?
     
  4. estella_tan

    estella_tan New Member

    My MIL ever commented that it has been a known fact that MILs and DILs can never be in good terms. I had some very sad encounter during my confinement month. Luckily I was strong else I will not be typing here.
     
  5. estella_tan

    estella_tan New Member

    BTW, maybe it's because she was not a good mother last time that's why she is trying to compensate for things which she has missed out in life before her time is up.
     
  6. flowerygal

    flowerygal New Member

    Hi Wendy,
    No wories, i m in e similar boat w u except tat mine is son. My MIL & family all came to stay ovr at my matrimonial hse & rent out their flat. Since he was born, she always snatched my son & he even slept w her for several mths until i had enu. She 'fought' w me 2 feed him, play w him, bonded w him & esp durin my maternity leave, i hv 2 stay in my rm 2 surf net. Even if i jus carried my boy into my rm, less than few mins she wld cme into my rm & carried him away??? I was extremely upset. Shes a terrible, horrible mil. i posted my story elsewhere too. Haizz.

    I understand ur plight. At least ur inlaws din stay w u. If possible, try to prevent her fr gettin close to her liao. Try all ways.
     
  7. pinkpig

    pinkpig New Member

    hi flowerygal,
    I finally found someone to share my misery. Worst now is after I give birth to my son (5months old now), she has moved in with me together with my FIL. She will snatch full time with me and tell my daughter to follow her home on Sat and Sun when she returns to her own place. She brainWash my daughter the whole day when I am working, tell her to go home with NaiNai and sleep with nainai. My daughter nowadays tell me that she want to sleep with nainai, dont want sleep with mummy. I am so hurt. I really hope to resign and stay a full time mum to my daughter and son. But I need money. hai...
    so far, I have never agree to my daughter going over to sleep with her. Cos I know if there is once, sure will have second time third time .... Even when my daughter say "I want I want" I will say cannot go over, sleep with mummy at night. But its really difficult for me to reject everytime and my MIL and FIL will find it very strange why I cant allow my daughter to sleep with them for just one night.
    Any advise on this??
    You know how hard I try to distract my daughter when my MIL is going to leave the door. She will surely Ask: "want to go nainai house to sleep? Want to go with nainai?" then she will say bye bye for so long and so many times until like stuck on the floor and cannot leave house. My daughter seems to be brainwashed by her and likes the idea of going to her place? Help!!

    Cant she understd that if she wants to be with my daughter, then the mother would even want to be with her daughter more than her especially day time she already whole day spend time with her. Let me have the time with my daughter at night. CAN I???

    Not long ago, I finally manage to find a method to ensure I can feed my daughter when I am at home. She usually tell the whole world that when I am home, she will find alot of diffculty feeding my daughter as she will not want to eat. She will say: "dont know why today so difficult to feed" ONLY when I am home. But when I not at home, she finds it so easy to feed my daughter. After much planning, I finally got an idea: "since u so difficult to feed, I will feed her from now on whenever I am at home" haha, she got no choice and no matter how she want to feed, I always use her sentence to knock her down!!
    Just yesterday, she thought of another idea to battle me. She say I will feed and then she will go down walk walk with my daughter when I can slowly eat my dinner (note: she havent eat lor). She say she will eat later. So now I very angry cos she just refuse to let me have my daughter when I am back home. argh!!!
     
  8. happyxin

    happyxin New Member

    Hi wendy,
    do be careful...
    think you ought to put your feet down and maeks certain isuues clear and known not to everyone, hubby and IL.

    There is a lot of truth that IL can poison and turn your children against you, if you don't do anything about it.

    My BIL's kids are very real testimony.
    MIL took the kids over to take care and get them to stay overnight with her. initially, she will put on a nice front and tell BIL and wife no need to worry about the kids and go pak-tor. then, for my sil, when push turns to shove, she tried to get with the kids more. cos my sil is very soft, cannot win my mil.
    Know what mil will do? when the sil or even bil, call to talk to the kids on the phone, she will shout across and say "tell them you are need to do xx or do that, cannot talk to them", and when the parents, especially when my sil comes over to spend time with kids, she will purposely bring them out and she will bad mouth the parents in front of the kids A LOT and ALWAYS discourage and even PREVENT the kids from being with the parents..
    see the kids very poor thing..split loyalty... but cos the fact the mil had been taking care of them since infant, they dare not defy her even when they feel they want to be with their parents.

    MIl wanted to use the same tactic on me and my kids, when my gal was 1 year old, she kept asking me to go work and put the kid with her. i simply and flatly refuse. I made it very know that i wil pu tht kid at a childcare centre then with her. i was very very very firm and showed her i am no push-over. am still.


    Do not beat about the bush or use the soft tactics anymore. you gotta act and get your IL to get their acts together!

    Maybe your situation not as bad as my IL, but only you know the degree of damage. Just watch it and act before it is too late...
     
  9. sus_sus

    sus_sus New Member

    Wendy

    I feel you should let your hubby know what your daughter said ... that 'she want to sleep with nainai'. Then tell your hubby this is disturbing that your daughter has ALREADY taken preference to MIL over you and hubby. Let your hubby 'see' for himself so he wont think you are the one acting up against MIL over such a trivial issue (guys think such issues are trivial ones) and dont listen seriously.

    I dont know how rationale your hubby is but he should know that ... you, daughter, son and himself are the immediate family unit. PILs are extended family esp to your kids. So its only right that immediate family stay together and are close. Extended family need to have a little distance, being so overwhelming like your MIL is unhealthy. Your daughter will be misled and next time turn to your MIL more and worse no longer take your bidding. And your MIL will just get more and more possessive which is not healthy too.

    Have your hubby talk to your MIL. Meanwhile you can try educating your daughter. Explain that she, you (mummy), daddy and didi are a family, family must stay together. Nainai has her own family so she (your daughter) cannot stay with nainai. When your daughter grows older, she will see truth in your teaching cos most of her friends also dont stay with their nainais.

    Hope this helps. I can feel your sadness. Take care!
     
  10. flowerygal

    flowerygal New Member

    Wendy,
    Gosh, nw tat ur PIL stayin w u, u will be suffering much more. Hw cme they shifted fr ur BIL's plc to urs? U alredi hv enu probs 2 cope, nw they cme ovr, there be no end.

    I can see tat ur MIL reali loves ur daughter and treats her like her own child. Hw abt ur new baby?

    Perhaps, e onli consolation is to divert ur attn to your new baby....otherwise u be mre miserable. I understand tat ur DD is ur 1st born and u may hv more feelings towards her.

    I dun understand y we hv such inlaws. Snatching our children fr us n give us little time to bond w em. Smetimes u gota fight for ur rights or u lose ur happiness.

    U mentioned tat ur hus always has no opinion. My hus is acting the same too. So whenever i relate to him durin the initial period, i cld sense tat he cldnt reali understand coz he din witness. Until i complained so much almost evryday, he finally cant take it and he took some action to deal w his mum. After tat, he finally woke up and he was able to understand hw much i suffered. Afterall, since many yrs ago, he had experienced and knew hw violent she was in e past bt after tat she changed abit.

    Hope ur hus will try to do smething to bring your family closer and prevent his mum fr overdoing it. Only he can help u.
     
  11. mandy_lee

    mandy_lee New Member

    I cannot believe this post. It is incredibly insane.

    Cos my MIL is very different from yours.

    She is the type who does not want to take care of kids. She is afraid to be tied down by kids and will give tiredness as an excuse.

    She would always go to my sister in law house to see her grand daughter for few hours but there are many times when my SIL asked her to help take care of her daughter and my MIL would give several excuses to avoid helping her.

    MY MIL also ever hinted to me that she would not help me take care of my child, worst I have a very strong feeling that she would not be happy if she knows I am expecting cos we are staying together and she would be afraid that I will leave the baby to her. So she is not very happy when I talked about conception.

    So how come your MIL so different from mine?

    I wonder is it a blessing that my MIL so bochap?

    Cos I am planning for baby soon and I really worry that she wont help me.
     
  12. 17francis

    17francis New Member

    Haiz haizzz...you got to hear my story...

    MY MIL is too possessed with my hubby.
    My hubby is also too possessed with her....

    I don't stay with MIL & FIL. I am working also. My hubby always went to his mommy's house..EVERYDAY!!!!

    During weekday..before work - drop by to his mommy house for breakfast. After work - drop by to his mommy house for dinner.

    During weekend...phone starts to ring around 8am..MIL calls her son to drop by for breakfast! At 11am..hubby pick me up for lunch at his mommy home. At 2pm..we go home taking a nap..then at 5pm we are back again for dinner....

    One time, I go home from work early to cook for him. When I called him, he replied "Bring the food to mommy's home lah..we eat together.."

    Welll.....i just keep quiet for 3 years of our marriage..until my first son is born.

    MIL also did something to make my son at her home always..sometimes she said something that made me and hubby end up quarrel. But..i just keep respecting her..tried not to have big fight...after all, she's deserved to be respected.

    Then..the f****ing MIL sparked a fire on the almost erupted volcanoe mountain.

    She was involved in Hubby and I domestic problems!!! She called my mother and said " You are not raising your daughter well all this time"

    AHHHHH " I got blusted...and so angry.." I demand a divorce! I told my hubby..i can't separate you from your biological mother...but i can't hold on to this childish marriage.

    I don't want anything...except my 6mth old baby.

    I won't let your mommy controlling my life as well as my baby.

    My hubby refused to get divorce..slowly but sure..he realized his mistake...

    I just think..as long as my hubby is trying his best and he loves me...so damn his mother! I never respect her the same as I used to be..just pretending to be nice for the sake of hubby.

    Until now, MIL is still a jerk! But hubby tries to balance her.

    But still...she's my agony.
     
  13. flowerygal

    flowerygal New Member

    Hi ersye,
    Wow, ur hus reali a mommy's boy and like to go bac to her plc. She muz be a great mum???!!

    U can tolerate for so long....i sincerely hope your hus can try to be independent and not 'glue' to his mum after marriage. Might be abit hard since its a habit?
     
  14. annedrew

    annedrew Member

    My MIL oso always says in front of me that my kids will oni be naughty when i m ard.... They always say that I have got to teach them the proper behaviour... I do admit that its the mother's responsibility.. however, most of the time, when I say 'NO" to my kids, my FIL will allow them! How am I to teach them when my in laws dun cooperate?
     
  15. happyblue

    happyblue New Member

    Hi Wendy,

    I suggest you place your girl at childcare centre since she is already 2 yrs old. First she can learn more things; second she can socialize with children her age. Third, you can break the long hours she spends with your mil so that she won't be so attached to her. There are centres that provide a few hours of play group. Or you can ask your maid to take care of your daughter more when you are at work instead of your mil taking care of her.

    I have a 5 month old son and my mil is staying with us. We also fight for my baby's attention. When newborn, it was worse as she wanted to carry him constantly like more than 5 times a day. I would let her carry a short while then I would say I want to carry him. She can't say no as I am the mother. So much carrying until my son got into the habit of must carry before sleep. Now she can't carry for long as my son is about 7kg and she is quite old (early 70s) and petite. She complains she gets pain/ache from carrying.

    I agree with happyxin that we have to be firm. I foresee i may have the same problem as you later on. Currently i let my maid take care of my son with my mil at home. But i take care of him after work and at night. I also make it a point to take care of him on weekends. We had some conflicts during my maternity leave as she was fighting for the maid with me. She said the maid must help her to cook abd cannot just help me look after my son. She wanted my maid to tell me that she can't help me to feed the baby as she had to help in the cooking every noon and evening. I looked after my son day and night during my maternity leave and i didn't take nap so sometimes i needed some help with the baby especially when i breastfeed, i had to get my maid to bottle feed my son.

    I ever told my husband before that if she ever fights with me for my maid again or try to be a goody person to the maid and keep things from me, i will not want a maid and i will get a nanny to look after my son instead. Then she will only get to see him in the evening. She has also caused conflicts between my husband and I and she is very attached to him and he to her as well. So i won't want my son to be so attached to her as well.
     
  16. pinkpig

    pinkpig New Member

    so glad to have some other mummies caring for me. I feel very detach from my marriage nowadays. My hubby dislikes my parents and we often cant see eye to eye becos of my parents presence on weekends. He comments every little things my mums says and does. Nothing they do is right. I feel really terrible in this marriage. I feel like leaving this marriage.
     
  17. pine_apple

    pine_apple Member

    hi wendy,

    i have the exact same prob as you. this is what i shared with another mother. we all had prob with our mil.

    i was very depressed in my 1st few months cos i felt i gave birth to my baby yet someone was acting as though she was the mother, but many of my friends with older children shared that at the end of the day, children will still love their own mother unless we do not care for them.

    this is the only initial stage, when ur baby is older and more active, ur in-laws will not be able to catch up with ur son's activities eg running after ur son. and when he is even older, you can send him to childcare where he will see less of ur in-laws.

    get ur hubby to understand how you feel and get him to talk to your in-laws. whatever dil says they wun listen, so no pt telling them urself. let them know after work, it's daddy and mummy's time with baby. i convinced my hubby by making him involved with baby activities such as feeding, bathing, playing, patting baby to sleep etc, now my baby very attached to my hubby and my hubby loves her so much that everyday he would rush home to see her and even said he dun mind another girl.

    hey one more suggestion, daddy, mummy and baby go out together every weekend. 3 of u can have ur own family time.

    things will get better, cheer up!
     
  18. hugme

    hugme New Member

    Yap. MIL can be a pain in the ass at times.
    To the extend they can be so busybody and interfering till a couple's marriage is on the rock. I ,too, have this encounter.

    Firstly, they can't bear to see their son married off. Now, they want to see their grand child every week. Everything must adhere to their request. If you don't , they consider the DIL as unfilia and disrespectful.
    The poor hubby will be the one keeping silence and make no comments. This result in the wife become unhappy and felt that the hubby is not standing on the wife's side. And the wife being emotional , will at times feel that whether she is being cruel and pity her hubby for putting him in difficult position. In the end, wife become depress and only seek for divorce as an answer to end all misery.

    At times, wife will give in to in laws in order not to make hubby difficult, but suffer in silence and endure every remarks the in laws say or do. There is patience to every individual's limit. Soon, DIL burst out. In the end, everybody unhappy and still, the problem is not solve.

    So, is it due to generation gap or just that woman and woman can hardly get along.

    Haiz... what a world that is full of women.....
    Even till today, i am also trying to ease everything out no matter how hard to endure.
    So, in the end, i choose to keep my mouth shut whenever my in laws are around. Silence is the best solution. Ignorance is a bliss.
     
  19. shan33

    shan33 New Member

    i agree that MIL can be a real pain sometimes.
    i was also very upset & depressed during the 1st few months when my MIL stayed over with us to take care of baby, cos she was constantly fighting to be the one to bathe/feed/carry/soothe baby. just about everything she wants to do. as a new mother, i felt totally clueless about how to take care of a baby because i never had the chance to interact with my baby! i really felt that she did not (& still does not) respect me as the baby's mother. =(

    on baby's full month birthday, there's a custom of cutting baby's hair & fingernails & keeping them in a high place at home. i was so tired from getting up several times at night to feed baby, & what happened? my MIL & my hubby ended up being the ones to cut baby's hair & nails. when i woke up my hubby told me it's all done. i was so angry i gave him black face. i think he realised that it was wrong of him to collaborate with MIL & he told me i could still cut baby's hair. but what's the point right? i insisted on bathing my baby that day, & can you believe it, that was the 1st time i bathed my baby, cos for the whole 1 month my MIL always snatched baby to bathe without giving anyone a chance.

    worse still, my MIL is a really selfish person. she actually told my hubby that baby is HER grandchild, & not my parents' grandchild. how can she say such a thing?! i was so mad i actually screamed at my hubby over it but he chose to keep quiet. up till now, when baby is 7months old already, this still has the power to hurt me. because of my MIL, i can only bring baby over to visit my parents once a week, & my parents also dont really want to visit us as my MIL is around & my mom can sense that she is not welcome by MIL. anyone else has this problem? i feel that my hubby also takes his mother's side & this makes me feel even more hurt.

    next week i am starting work & baby will be going to MIL's place during the day. i really feel threatened by my MIL, that baby will only want her nainai next time & not want her mummy. now even on weekends, we see MIL all the time. we don't even have our own space, though hubby doesn't seem to mind. i've realised that he's also pretty much a mummy's boy.

    i really hope that things will be as what pine_apple says, that it will all get better. how come it's always the wife who has to end up being unhappy? i feel that i have to endure if not everyone will be unhappy but i'm already going to burst. =(
     
  20. pinkpig

    pinkpig New Member

    Until now, my MIL is still snatching with me for my daughter. Recently, she show abit more interest for my son but that is only when my daughter is out with me. I decided to resign to tackle her. No other ways. No choice lor, got to live with my savings although I bluff her that I will work from home with lesser pay.

    To add on to my story, my MIL is really a fanatic fan of my daughter. She still snatches to feed my daughter and we play tug of war with the bowl of porridge sometimes. Once I confirm snatch the bowl, she will then go kitchen and keep bring the minced chicken, etc etc to me to show daughter that she is the one serving the food although she cant feed my daughter. Before I reach home, she will quickly make my daughter fall asleep. She even tell my FIL to tell me not to be so close to my daughter. Crazy!
     
  21. happyxin

    happyxin New Member

    Hey wendy,
    i sympathise with your situation and kudos you for your brave move of quitting your job to care for you children.

    Sad to say, such cases of yours are true and real. My MIL is so with my BIL's children and she has poisoned them to the extend that they want the children to side her and hate my BIL and wife!

    some will say that our children will always be our children and one day they will get close to us. but NO, if the situation is not taken care of, one day, you will hear the children say they are not comfortable being with their parents and they feel distant or like strangers towards them...

    You really did the right thing and I am sure you will see the reward of bonding with your children.

    Jia you! =)
     
  22. pinkpig

    pinkpig New Member

    haiz.. to think that there are such MIL around nowadays.

    Now that I am taking half days everyday to clear off my leave before I go on full time mother...

    I still worry that she will poison my children everyday. Take today for e.g., when I come home at 1.30pm, My daughter and MIL already in the room (locked door). My maid told me they went in 1.15pm, I cant open the door then I knock until she open.. and ah ha... my daughter not asleep yet lor.. such psychtic MIL i have.. just refuse to let me be with my daughter that extra minute. Even my maid also can tell now that both my MIL and I are having silent war daily over my daughter. Just few days back, becos my daughter wakes up late at 10am and drinks milk late as a result. My MIL insists still on feeding porridge at 12pm (I come back at 1pm) knowing my daughter cant eat so early lor... in the end, heard from my maid that my daughter didnt take much lunch and reconfirm when I pretend to ask if my daughter ate alot of food just now.. Even My maid says, "she scared u feed if feed later"

    You know hor, I everyday take cab rush home becos I want to rush home in time to see my daughter before she gets forced into her afternoon nap. Actually I know my dauhter cant sleep so early one la, imagine wake up 9.30am still can sleep by 1pm meh? I doubt so.. she just purposely wants to let her sleep before I come back. TOO MANY things to complain already! AhhAHH

    Cant wait for my new house to come earlier.. then I can move out asap.
    Poor me.. everyday's going to suffering. My weight already 39kg now due to stress.
     
  23. happyxin

    happyxin New Member

    Oh my goodness!
    your mil is also sick in the mind!
    So like my mil!

    I really dun understand why there are such grandparents around who want to force the children away from their parents!

    Do you have understanding from your husband regarding this issue?
    You really gotta stand very very firm on this situation. but seems like your mil also quite scared of you? she only dare to do those sneeky acts behind your back and dare not voice anything in front of you...

    When is your new house coming? I really sympathise with you and hope all this nonsense stop asap.
     
  24. pinkpig

    pinkpig New Member

    Hi HappyXin,
    I am so glad someone is here to share my misery. My hubby knows nothing of all this war although he sense that I dont like his mother. I feel like I am the onebattling this war and I am really v tired.
    My new house should be ready by latest Jul/Aug 09. Soon!!. But tonight, my FIL told me that he and my MIL will be shifting over to stay with us. I explicitly say that I dont need their help as I have resigned but he say still can go over to help cook as he say maid cook not good enough. My hubby as usualy kept quiet other than saying they can come stay over if they like. Not knowing that I am definitly against this suggestion. I am ok if they sometimes come over and had to stay over ddue to late hours etc. But not permanent staying.

    Just have this feeling that my hubby loves his parents more than me. Feelings of divorce crossing my mind now.

    I spoke to my mother, she suggests that I do what I reall wish. She nevers criticise my MIL but infact always says I got a good MIL who cooks, contributes to our wellbeing. But sadly, she is too overbearing and over possessive, so I cant tahan her defintiely. My mum suggest I got to be straight to my in laws even if it deems spoiling the relationship. She says that I had to be firm on them not coming into my new home unless I can tolerate their presence. She didnt wan me to go crazy tackling their overy movements and decision. I feel stress again. haiz cant sleep
     
  25. happyxin

    happyxin New Member

    Hey wendy,

    your mohter is correct.
    you got to be firm, even if a good, proper conversation turn out into a quarrel. you gotta make things clear with your MIL & FIL.

    It may make you look like a bad person for now, but in the long run, with lesser tension, everyone will be happier.
    your mil really need to know her place and stop being so possesive.

    Have a talk with your hubby too. and fast. cos at least if he doesnt agree with your view point or if you can see that he is not going to stand by you to support you, meaning to curb the mil's over-reaction by voicing out eplicitely about your collective wishes and stand point, but not scolding her thou, mind you,, and protect you, then you will know what you need to do, and should do.

    For eg: on the day of us shifting, i insisted that we go open the door by ourselves, i do not want others who are not going to stay in the house to go open the door with us. Why do i say that, cos prior to moving, my mil already make a lot of noise, scold lah, emotional blackmail lah, that kind of nonsense.
    cos she didnt want us to move and also could let go.
    I was extremely insistance.. cos that is my house,i know if i let my mil come over and do the house-moving ceremony, i will have to step aside and let her do her stuff as she is still my elder. so rather later more problems, i stamp my feet on the ground and drew the line.

    I also told my hubby, if mil keep hounding us, even if i after that i shifted house, i will bring my gal out day to night so as to avoid seeing her. that's how much she has suffocated me and the extend i will do to get away from her possesiveness.

    you gotta stop playing the mind games with your husband and start to tell him straight how you feel. if he doesnt help to resolve anything and just ask you to give in, give in, then wats the point? you are not married there for them to be abused mentally and emotionally since he and PIL do not give thoughts about your well being.

    Tell your FIL, if you need them to come over to stay with you to cook for you, might as well dun move out? crazy.
    the cooking is only an excuse, trust me.
    really want to cook for you guys, sure. you will bring the kids over to their place for dinner, enough.

    if you dun clarify everything now, matters are still going to carry on.
    qing shen rong yi shong shen nan.

    for a mummy who proactively doing things for her kids, to the extend of quitting, you are already a very tough woman. am sure you can cross through this hurdle.
    jia you. [​IMG]
     
  26. tulips_sweer

    tulips_sweer New Member

    It may be all out of jealousy and insecurities.

    You wanted so much to bond with your little girl but your MIL actions is depriving you of doing that. As these accumulates, naturally it will sow a seed in your mind that she is snatching your girl from you. Vice versa, you tried your best to show her otherwise spitefully. The battle started when you began to judge every of your MIL intentions to be negatively perceive.

    WHY? Have you thought of why your ML and you are behaving this way? It is not only affecting you, but the development of your kids. Love is what is lacking. Yes, now it is difficult and you find no reason to love or respect your MIL. But it is not impossible! Yes, you may disapprove what I have said but it all drown down to the lack of love.

    If you can try to appreciate your MIL for taking good care of your girl while you are at work, things may turn out differently. I am not jumping on whoever side. Perhaps you can take the initiative to show your MIL that you really appreciate her love for her grandchild and occasionally buy some food or things that she likes for her. She will gradually know the difference and change in you. And see the light that why is she being difficult on you. Otherwise if no party is willing to give in, nothing is going to work. And to share with your husband is not easy too. He may thought that you are unreasonable and in the end, it may provokes a lot of misunderstandings and unhappiness and lead to a destructive marriage.

    Again, I am not saying you are wrong. You have all the rights to be a good mother to your kids, but we have to learn that not all things will come as we expect it to be. We have to learn to accept and let go of the unpleasanties. If you behold and dwell further, you are making your miserable only Is it worth it? Focus on the love you lack of and work on it the best you could. Do not continue to hate whatever your MIL has done to separate your girl and you. I am sure your MIL will feel the difference and be shameful of her childish behaviours.

    All the best to you.
     
  27. jbaby

    jbaby New Member

    HI Wendy.I totally agree with Happy XIn, if you allow them to come over to cook dinner etc, they will take up excuse, too late don want to go home..blah blah. or alternatively, treat her like a maid, carry yr kids in the room, lock it and leave yr hubby and yr pil outside..
     
  28. mtyh

    mtyh Member

    闵子骞单衣顺母

    闵子骞是春秋时代山东鲁国人,名损,字子骞。

    闵子骞不但事亲至孝,对待弟弟也很友善,不吵架。他是孔门的大弟子,和复圣颜子互相媲美,以德行著名。什么叫德行呢?德行就是不自私、不自利,无论做什么事都愿意帮助人、利益人,这样才能栽培自己的德行。要是不帮助人,永远都不会有德行。德行是一点一点栽培来的,遇到有什么利益人的事就去做,丝毫没有选择的;不是选择一件事情去帮助人,这就是有德行了。

    可惜他的母亲和他没有什么缘,他年幼时就丧母了;大概因为他是个贤人,他母亲福气不够,见不了这么一个好儿子,所以很早就走了。要是他的母亲活着,他也不会受罪了──不会吃不饱、穿不暖,这就是要磨练磨练他。他的父亲不甘寂寞,又讨了一个后老婆。这个后老婆很妒忌这个大儿子,因为她若不对她大儿子这么不好,也就显不出她这两个小儿子是自己亲生的了,所以她就有所偏私,令他吃也吃不饱,穿也穿不暖。可是,子骞逆来顺受,处之泰然,一点也不介意,很安详的,并无怨天尤人的思想和行为,他不会想:「唉!我妈妈真不好!先死了,令我落到后母手里。这个爸爸也这么欢喜女人,叫我来受罪!」要是一般人呢,这怨天尤人的思想就会油然而生。

    他父亲是一个行商的人,常常在外边来回经商,偶尔忙里偷闲才回家一趟。他父亲要是回来了,后母就虚情假意表演一番,表示对三个儿子平等待遇,对闵子骞也好像她自己亲生的一样。有一年冬天下大雪,天气非常寒冷,子骞冻的忍不住打战颤,因为他身上穿的是芦花,不保暖。他父亲看那两个小儿子都是趾高气昂的,不怕冷,这个大的儿子反而这么怕冷,所以很不高兴,以为他是装模作样,叫他可怜他,於是他心想:「好啊!你想要我可怜你,我先打一打你再说!」拿起鞭子就往他身上抽打。鞭子一抽,大概那衣服也是旧的布洗干净做的,不是用新布做的,所以一打就坏了;这一坏,露出里面的芦花。他父亲一看,再看看第二、第三个儿子所穿的是什么,他用小刀把他们的衣服割破了,一看里头是棉花,这才知道错怪子骞了。因为芦花是不保暖的,棉花才能保暖,所以他才冷得那样。他知道自己受欺骗了,错怪自己的儿子,於是骂这后母,说她不公平:「你的心肠像蛇、蠍那么毒!我们闵家不能容纳你这样的女人!你赶快走!」

    闵子骞听父亲这样赶后母走,他懂得大体,就在父亲面前跪下,哀求息怒,劝谏说:「父亲不要发脾气!有事情慢慢讲,不要这么不讲理,不要撵妈妈走!为什么?母亲在的时候,单我一个人寒冷一点不要紧。母亲要是走了,再来一个后母,我们兄弟三个人就都落到后母手里,到时候都要受罪了!都要穿芦花的衣服了!那时你说可怜不可怜?」他的父亲和母亲听他这么一说,就都感动了,说:「喔!你这么明白!真难为你这孩子,我们错待你了!」於是就抱头痛哭。这个抱头不一定抱着闵子骞的头,或者他父亲和母亲就互相抱头痛哭,或者他父母抱着闵子骞痛哭。自此以后,他的后母也就改过自新,成为贤妻良母了。 从此也把子骞当成和自己的亲生孩子一样疼爱。
     
  29. belinda_sng

    belinda_sng New Member

    Hi Wendy,

    Try this method:

    I feel you should sit down and have a good talk with your MIL. Let her know how much you appreciate her effort because taking care of kids are not easy. Tell her you like to do your best for your kids as you have reach a new chapter of your life which is motherhood and hope she will be by your side guiding. Put her to your side. Old people love to claim credit. She will feel proud and yaya but in a way, she will be more willing to "allow" you to spend time with your gal. Then if like some things you know, pretend like don't know and ask her. In this manner, she will feel she's indispensable and she will not "lose" her grandchildren. I think her behavior boils down to insecurity.

    Hope this suggestion helps!

    Good Luck!
     
  30. wsj

    wsj New Member

    i can empathy your feelings.
    I do have similar problems, just that my mil is processive not just one, but all three of my children, age range from 0 to 5 years old. my no. 2 loves to hang around with her parents and always show hatred whenever my mil wants to be nice to her, so, in the end, when melt out punishment no matter whose fault the middle child gets it big time...

    my situation went extreme when my mil chased me out of my own house verbally that night out of no reason, and i was pregnant with my no. 3. So, that was the last straw, i only make out the most at all opportunies.

    Extremely Depressed, i'm still am. I stayed in my workplace 7 days a week (because my home is no longer a place for me to stay), and only 'home' for them for less than 6 hours. so, if children want to bond with me, they kept themselves awake while i'm at home, and they did it that way.
     
  31. spongebox08

    spongebox08 New Member

    wow...all the horrible & pervert MILs !!!!!!!!

    My MIl wasnt good to anywhere as well...but she "dare not" go to that extreme. Cos i dont give in to her...

    when i had my first boy she & FIL were also very gan cheong spider. As if they more experience bb had to follow their way. pple like us new mummies dun noe anything so they try to keep bb with them. Especially its their first grandson, given them to be very very super traditional, this is the boy who will carry on the family line. Especially MIL, only boys good, gals no good. Please lor, i tell hubby, gals not their granddaughter? if not then never mind, my child can follow my surname. Mind her, she is also born out of a female's womb. And being a woman herself she actually despised gals !!!!!

    Althou i know they are elderly we had to respect them.. but i still show my face if i not happy with what they doing. A lot of ups & downs when my first boy was born. Everything just went wrong. I still keep my stand & be firm that this is my baby !!!! so i always bring baby go back mother's place & come back late at night.

    They just dunnoe how to show their love & affection in a proper way. It makes mothers like us feel hurt that my child doesnt want us but want grandparents .....

    Luckily, or should say unfortunately by right, she suffer strokes & cant do anything. Thou can still walk with clutches, but she lost most of her strength. So she do not have any energy to fight with me over my kids.

    Sometimes not that we want to be disrespectful, but they keep thinking we are the 三崇四德 DIL. That was all in the past. Now we talk about bonding with our kids, thats y we breastfeed & bond with them.

    thou huby not happy, and since he not standing up for me, i think i should stand up for myself.
     
  32. bbsmile

    bbsmile New Member

    i no sure i should be happy to hv simply bo chap MIL .She only visited us ONCE which was 2 weeks after i delivered.Never even give anything for my newborn.i not eyeing at any expensive stuff or red packet but i dont feel good when i knew she bought gold for her grandson few years back and nothing for my DD.But this MIL is too 'cool' liao.
     
  33. spongebox08

    spongebox08 New Member

    boh chap is better than everything also want to be interfere.....really
     
  34. nurse

    nurse New Member

    i have the worst MIL of all!

    my MIL actually curse my mum to go to hell right in my face!
     
  35. spongebox08

    spongebox08 New Member

    wa...she crazy arh...ask her curse herself la....by doing this she is not a good mother herself..still dare to curse pple..she sure had mental problem is it?
     
  36. nurse

    nurse New Member

    ever since that event, whatever she do i see already also 'bu shun yan'... so glad that after my son is borned we lived separately but deep down i really hope she can just stay in other country with my step father in law and never come back to S'pore... i am a bad DIL... sigh...
     
  37. flowerygal

    flowerygal New Member

    Nurse,
    My crazy MIL called my mum directly & cursed her too. MIL ended up kena retribution after that. Whatever she cursed my mum, all happened onto herself. God is fair!
     
  38. spongebox08

    spongebox08 New Member

    ya..you are right..flowergal...all that she cursed pple will happened upon herself...

    my mil she bully maid, accused maid, tekan the maid... thats y now she still kicking & alive, not becos she is good life, but god makes her alive to suffer the frustration.

    got one time i quarrel with her becos she bully & accused the maid. somemore used all her "baby time milk force" to shout at her. i push her in front of the praying table ask her to look at buddha & swear what she said are all true. Guess what she said? She said no need say buddha knows all thats happening. I told her yes, buddha everyday sit in the living room she knew & she saw how she bully the maid & how she accused the maid...

    MIL head keep looking at the floor dare not look up at buddha !!!!! i ask her y dare not look up at buddha when u claimed u had done nothing wrong?

    she keep quiet.

    so now she is suffering her own retribution but she still dun noe she is & still continue to be so difficult & tortured the maid...

    Nurse, dun say we are bad DIL. Its MIL who are bad. THey angry cos their son are being so called "snatched" by the wife, they lacked of security. So they do all sorts of things to attract the son's attention. Just to 霸占 the son.

    i told her if you scare your son being snatched away, then dun ask your son to get married. MY BIL now at courtship stage, becos of taking care of her, now 33 yrs old then got 1st GF. i told her then ask the son dun get married else later another gal become the victim.

    some pple may think i am a bad DIL. but i disagree. Becos if MIL not so bad & uncooperative & unreasonable, else we wont retaliate. if we dun retaliate they think they won. I retaliate not becos i want to win her so called. i just want to show her we are not those DIL of qing dynasty. keep quiet, submissive. MIL ask you to drink poison you also drink that kind.

    we must stand up for our own rights.
     
  39. nurse

    nurse New Member

    wow... spongebox08

    i hope i have the courage like you... u very brave, can even make her 'confess' in fromt of buddha. if i do that, i think my husb will be very angry with me.

    actually my MIL is very good with her mouth. she always like to go around telling people this and that and make herself like the victim and let people 'ke lian' her.

    how do u feel if your neighbours come up to your face and tell you to treat your MIL better? must be your MIL complaining right... i feel like sewing her mouth!
     
  40. kang_kong

    kang_kong Member

    yah same feeling... we all cannot click with MIL.
    They just want to possess their son, their grandchildren.

    So for me , after years of battle, i have persuaded my hubby to relocate to another country to work in order to save my marriage.

    I know avoidance is not the solution but it definitely will help a little.

    I gave up my career , friends and family to another country so that we can spend more personal time with each other and on one to bother us.

    i hope i am not being cruel as i really love my hubby a lot and feels that my marriage is important.
    Since i cannot change my hubby to be more on my side, but i can now have all of him and my kids with me.
     
  41. smurf28

    smurf28 New Member

    spongebox,
    maybe u right.now i also learnt from her..til now she still dont know my bb name.i also bo chap.if possible i will try not to visit them.
     
  42. whitequeeniie

    whitequeeniie New Member

    Dear all,

    Some problems faced, not sure if I’m thinking too much or not.

    I am not married, but living with my fiancé who has just proposed to me 4 months back. We are in the midst of planning to get married next year.
    In laws were not around in Singapore most of the time, in future, we will still be staying with In laws, not moving out so soon.

    I love to cook, hence I cooked some dessert, hope this can cool down the temperature.
    Cooked while in laws were not around, just last week, they saw me cooking the whole pot of dessert.

    I have to admit I cooked too much. But I did not do it intentionally. But I’m used to cooking a big pot of desert when I am at home.

    MIL then told me not to touch her food in the fridge anymore and asked me not to buy vege and store in the fridge when there are already a lot (Yes, their house have many stuff, but not all I like).

    She was telling me on the night and the next morning. Twice. I nod my head, not saying anything. In the morning, after she’d said, I went into our room and drop tears. Luckily, fiancé is sweet enough to hug and tell me that he knows I did not do it intentionally. He understands how I feel and told me it is not easy to stay with in laws.

    Is it wrong for me to buy wad I like and store in the fridge? As & when I wan to eat, I can cook? Now, SIL is back from a holiday and she got her lots of food for her to cook.

    Is my cooking that lousy? Or I don’t know how to estimate? Or am I thinking too much?

    Appreciate your advices please.
     
  43. whitequeeniie

    whitequeeniie New Member

    i feel like giving up this relationship. his parents are not responding to me anymore despite i ask them stuffs and greet them. its really hurtful and upset. i feel so helpless. SO is initiating for a talk with me soon, i feel like giving up.
     
  44. wsj

    wsj New Member

    hi Whitequeeniie
    i don't think that your cooking is that bad, and it is already wonderful to have a wife that cooks nowadays.

    But the problem is, you are staying with them, it is their house, correct?

    when i stayed with my husband's old place long long time ago, i didn't even dare to touch anything, fridge, stove... unless instructed. i only cooked on my own twice, a curry chicken and a jelly. and i used up whatever i buy, no leftovers, no storage in the fridge before the cooking/preparation. Because, their fridge is already too full and my husband's the only son.

    However, 2 years ago, when my mil moved over to live in MY HOUSE, she moved most of her fridge stuff over despite it is written a date in the 1990s on the package, and over the 2 years, she ruled over everything in the house, (and even chased me out of the house, as written on my last posting), whatever me or husband do or buy for the kids, she will attempt replace them ASAP, slowest within 2 days, be it a cartoon plaster, or a macdonalds' toy. my mother couldn't see the children suffering, so she gritted her own teeth and came over every weekday to see if the children are fed and taken properly, in the end, because of my father's stroke condition, we got my dad to live in with us, so my mother have no choice to live in too... only to get chased around and shouted at almost everyday, for every neighbour who sees and knows about this in my block, they only say, it is really depressing to for a 70+ 80+ old people to live with in my household. As i mentioned, i couldn't even visit my household anytime i want... excpet the 4-6 hours of night time when we come home to sleep. was so depressed that i sat at the parapet pregnant with my 3rd child.

    mil is so ruling that, we can't even cook a packet of instant noddles in peace in the kitchen. what do you think... and hello that's MY KITCHEN. in the end, we let it be until now.

    When the shop contract finally expires few months ago, i finally got to "stay" at home all day to take of children. my father passed away before weeks before contract expire, unfortunately, i felt sad, he is so depressed of getting verbally abused almost everyday. mil deceided to leave me and mother alone with MY HOUSE which is filled with 2 years of filth (she and her maids, didn't clean the house) after i left my job as a retailed. Pregnant with my 4th child, i have to clean up the place despite other business duties to do... in which most of finances are trapped by my mil... i changed all diapers and skimmed in milk powder, hoping to get past the debts. I feel like giving up esp hubby is not exactly understanding. but what to do? everyday, i pray and waited for miracles. and hanging on, hoping hard.
     
  45. whitequeeniie

    whitequeeniie New Member

    i feel you jane. He called me and initiated for a break off with me on monday night. My heart is so hurt & dead now.

    You been through alot more.. I am really proud of you that u managed to hang on..
     
  46. wsj

    wsj New Member

    oh no, that's sounds harsh. luckily you do not officially married into his family and have any kids.

    At least you are out of his family, no point hanging on to them as time does not change their ways. I'm one example, just that my guys here does not show their true colours until after my fil passed away, 5 years ago.

    time to put it down start new for you.
     
  47. whitequeeniie

    whitequeeniie New Member

    im trying very hard.
     
  48. mummy_baby2008

    mummy_baby2008 Active Member

    MIL!!!!!!!!
    talking about IL only my whole stomach boiling!!!
    my MIL has 3 kids, my hub is e only "extra" in e family. every weekend MIL will visit n sleep over at SIL hse which is juz few blks away from mine. she always wanted to cm over to visit my kids but always cm empty handed. not even some biscuits for my kids and SIL always telling wat MIL bought for her kids!
    Another thing, when my hub met into financial issue, she will disappear into thin air & reappear weekly at my hse when issue resolved.
    Next, we r facing maid problems. MIL disappear again. for 2 months not a single call from her to ask if we needed help. (wonder when she will appear again & i really hope she will disappear)
    Whole family e same! asked SIL if we can leave our kids in her hse during day time for 2 hours, she said NO, her 4 yrs maid cannot handle 1 more 3 yr old girl. My goodness. i think is just selfishness on her end.
    wat i can say is i have selfish ILs. hub asked me not to answer their calls and cut off ties.
    Tell me how to. I'm glad that my hub still supports me even thou i speak bad bout his family.
    Tell me wat to do to my selfish ILs. if u were me, when ur problem is resolved will u wanna see them at ur hse??? i dunno if i'm petty or wat but i'm still bearing in mind how they leave us in lurch!
     
  49. thinkwise

    thinkwise New Member

    Appreciate your hubby, more important than anything else. When you marry him, you also marry into his family.

    It is easier to set apart from them, it takes character and love for you to accept their trash. If your hubby experience that, his love for you grow even deeper.
     
  50. kikeeko

    kikeeko New Member

    Its good to post your grievances here, especially in laws. I once spoke to a friend on my mother in law issues but I got a feeling she judged me. Needless to say, I kept silent about my feelings about my MIL after that.

    I tell myself it is because my gal friend is not married and dun understand my issues with my mother in law.

    Anyway, great to see others have similar issues ( not that I like to cos MIL can be a freaking pain in the ass ) but at least I know there is a place to vent my frustrations now :)
     
  51. problem_maid

    problem_maid New Member

    hi everyone.. I have a problem at home with my mother-in-law. I'm staying with my in-laws and we have a domestic helper. This is the 5th one who cannot stand her already. She always says she is the one disciplining the maid and none of us at home can comment on it.

    But we can hear the issues and often she raises her voice though it is a small issue. Which helper can tahan? We don't want to keep changing maids as it's such a hassle. MIL says we don't respect her. As a DIL, all the more I cannot comment.

    But it's terrible knowing that even if you change helper, the problem will occur once again.
     
  52. problem_maid

    problem_maid New Member

    MIL ever commented that I do not help in the chores. But when I wash my plate sometimes, she says, "don't help the maid". Then what is it about "i'm not contributing or helping??"
     

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