Crumbs about Having the 3rd child

[puffywhitecloud]

Hi , need some enlightenment on “having a 3rd child”.
I know this is up to personal cum family choice. However, this is my problem. I am not into having a third child while my husband is very much looking forward to it. Everytime I turn down his idea, his face will turn black. And me inturn, gets upset about it because I don’t understand why he cannot see where I am coming from.
We already two kids, the elder is about 3.5 while the younger one is about 22months. I am very happy with both of them.

We are a middle income family with both daddy and mummy working. We are receiving delicate help from our parents and housework is being settled by domestic helper. Thus you can say that we are pretty “settled”. However, I have many reservations about welcoming the third one. Why?
1) The fear of starting all over again (from confinement to breastfeeding, to sleepless nights, baby cries, etc.)
2) Unable to focus on my work (again). Everytime after a childbirth, my focus shift (which I know it is ok). However in the competivite working world, who understands? Your performance assessment gets a beating.
3) I worry about not having enough $ for their education.
4) I worry not having enough quality time (be it play or extra coaching or even time to ferry them around for lessons like swimming, music classes)
5) I worry about “neglecting” the 3rd one
6) I don’t want to lose my little yet precious “me-time”
7) I dont want to lose my figure hahaha

Am I worrying about the unnecessary? At least, that’s is what he always described about my thinking. He did out the expense chart for me and showed that we have enough to spend but we cannot go for travelling, or a once in a while expensive indulgences.
He said I was selfish. Our discussion about additional family member never ends sweetly but bitterly. I felt frustrated that he feels that I am selfish. Do I need to sacrifice all to classify myself as a “mother”? I told him that I am born in the era of “samsui” women”.

Is having a third one adds strains to your time? Expenses? Work?

I need enlightment, please

 

[bluesugar]

I might not be the best person to give advises. Currently i only have 1 child (14months plus) and even though time is not on my side (getting old), i'm still not in a hurry to have a 2nd child.
Reason being, i really want to spend more individual time with my son. Bringing him for holidays, indulging him with little things in life.
if there's a 2nd baby on the way, money would be tight and attention will definitely be diverted from my son to the newborn.

Of course, everyone thinks differently. I'm sure there are other mummies who will think otherwise. Ultimately, i feel the big decision still needs to come the mom. We are the one carrying the baby, giving birth and providing slightly more for the child as compared to the father.

Seriously, confinement, breastfeeding and those late night wakes are really 'painful', i really don't think the father will truely understand.

 

[catxxx]

Hi, puffywhitecloud ... ermm , actually most of the time we as mummies are quite gan cheong or worried about our kids , their future . you may have your own concerns , and i believe that if your hubby wants to have #03 then i guess he must have prepared and willing to spend more time and money . Change a view to look at the issue , although now life in singapore is tedious and tough , but when you think of having another bb inside you , and when he/she comes to the world , you will feel that everything is worth it . children are your future investments ... hahaha

 

[puffywhitecloud]

Hi blue sugar,

My hubby isn't those that sit back and relax. He does helps but yes, those initial months are hard. I think I simply don't have the courage to step into THAT zone. Sometimes I really take my hats off mummies who have kids yet can manage so many things themselves.

I'm very happy to have my two little boys. Having them changed me. Being a mother is blissful but it just scares me having another one.

 

[aliamattar]

Hi bak bak mummy,
We have a lot in common. I have 2 little boys also. And was seriously considering whether to have no 3. My kids are mainly looked after by my maid, with occasional help from my parents and lots of chauffeuring by my dad. I'm a fulltime working mum too.
I understand the anxiety. I'm always worried about what happens if my maid doesn't work out, what happens if my dad can't help anymore. I don't have the option of being a stay at home mum, bcos the income is necessary and bcos I don't think I can cope with being a full time stay at home mum haha. The only thing is I badly want a girl

I have friends and relatives with 3. It's not easy, living in expensive Singapore, and being full time working parents. Then you have to think about childcare for your no 3, just when you thought your first 2 are settled. The sleepless nights will have a comeback. And I dunno about others, but my duties as a mummy can never be taken over fully by the daddy.

Does your husband understand what you have to go thru? The pregnancy and delivery and breastfeeding - all those are things u have to go thru that your husband won't ever have to. That's hardly selfish. And I'm not sure if I'm old fashioned, but when push comes to shove, the mummy will have to give up the job usually, not the daddy. Maybe you can sit down with your hubby and tell him all your concerns, and that it should be a joint decision as opposed to pointing fingers.

That said, I am pregs with no 3 (my choice). This pregnancy has been the most trying and tiring, and I believe its bcos its the 3rd time my body is undergoing this.

Let me know if you wanna discuss over PM. Happy to talk to a fellow mum

 

[wendysu]

Hi puffywhitecloud,

I completely understand your dilema in having a 3rd kid. I am also in your shoes before. Like you, we are average income family, pay for house, car, maid and everything just nice now. If have another kid, we might not be able to sustain our present lifestyle and kids educations and classes, insurances etc.

Now I am determine to end my worries of having a no 3 and we finally agreed for me to go for a tubal ligation. There won't be any accident, there won't be any consideration and discussion about it after that.

Not to worry, i believe many mummies here listen and understand where you are coming from.

 

[puffywhitecloud]

Hi catheryn, aliamattar, wendysu,

so good to know that i m not overly kiasu and kaisee. hahaha.

the reason why I started this thread was hopefully I can find peace with myself and accept my hubby's choice.

I dont want be crying when i m preg with the thrid child. Its very sad for the child to know that his/her mother doesnt want him in the first place... moreover the mother's emotion will be "communicated' in the womb (I believe that

)

for now, after many unhappy rounds of discussion, my hubby knew i am not emptionally and mentally prepared for no. 3. He did not want to discuss about it.

For me, i also din want to bring it up too but perhaps during this time, i can find some "answers"

>>catheryn: You give good alternate views. acutally i have 2 very smooth pregnancy. No vomitting, No tiredness just food craving!

>>aliamattar - congrats! I agree your "It's not easy, living in expensive Singapore, and being full time working parents."

Your worries are so similar to mine. My MIL is already 70 and (very) fit now but I need to prepare if one day she is sick.

>>wendy - Tigual ligation was my choice... i even thot of doing it secretly without my hubby's consent. However, my gynae objected my idea.

 

[eve0513]

Hi puffywhitecloud,

No worry, you are not selfish. i also got 2 gals (age 4+ & 2+) & very happy to settle with 2. I totally no confidence to handle one more at this moment (financially, time, focus, lack of rest). Already wanted to do ligation after 2nd kid born but gynae not agree as we still young. Life is a matter of choice & i think if we are not ready then maybe should not have it.

 

[la_mer]

Sometime i toy w the idea abt a 3rd one... Cuz i dun hv a dauggter.. But hard to support... I m a sahm. Gynae advised agaunst diung surgery cyz we r 31 only..

 

[snowball32]

Hi puffywhitecloud,

I hv 2DDs n my hubby n I are very happy n satisfied. But, my in-laws have been hinting to us to try for #3 hoping to get a boy. My sis-in-law (hb's bro's wife) even go round ranting that I would try for #3 as I hv 2 girls (they have a boy n a girl). I am fortunate to have a supportive hubby whom support my decision to stop at 2. In fact, he was happy to have just 1 but I wanted #2 as a companion to #1.

He even declared to his family that we are happy with 2 girls and has no intention to try for #3.

It is important to communicate with your hubby & get mutual understanding in your decision on #3.

 

[wobblejelly]

Bak bak mummy - you are not alone. Those things you said were exactly what crossed my mind while my hubby thinks i worry too much.
It takes 2 to tango and if one party feels hesitant don't force it.

That said, dont mind if I say this. Maybe your hubby was adamant about having #3 becos he wants a gal since your post states you have 2 little boys?

 

[jessbrian]

Hi puffywhitecloud,

I have 2 boys as well, but i still happy to try for no 3 as i love children, I dun want to regret later in life tat I did not try for a girl.

Like you, we are average income family, pay for house n children's enrichment class. I am a working mum without a maid but I think we all mother will handle stress as it come.