Should I leave a passionless marriage? Ladies' take, please

A

andrewC

New Member
Dear all,

It's my first post and I am seeking help. I am a 46 year old chap, married 18 years. I am in a passionless marriage and I am wondering if I there is anything to fix, and if so and it cannot be fixed, should I leave it?

We have no children, both of us were not active in wanting children when we were younger and before we know it we are in our 40s. The sex stopped about 5 years into the marriage, and neither of us rekindled it. We are good companions, and we have no arguments, or quarrels. Money is ok, we make enough and our wants are not demanding. We travel together sometimes, we have mutual friends and we do spend time together watching movies, exercising etc. We have our own hobbies, she is a computer surfer, drama series watcher. We care for each other, so for e.g. I will cook for her when she need a meal, cover her with her blanket etc. We make joint decisions in purchasing stuff for the home and for money matters I left it to her.

I recently reassessed where we are in the marriage, and I realised that we are more housemates than husband/wife? On the internet articles this seems to ring alarm bells. My friends (guys) say that this is "normal"; even citing thir own marriages, but some part of me cannot accept that this is normal. Common perhaps, but surely not normal.

I have experienced passion with my other relationships to know what it was. I was told by friends that passion will eventually fade in any relationship, all the more so in a long one like mine. So do I simply accept it? I find the fact that I am questioning, disturbing.

One aspect of it is that I realised that children are the glue of a marriage or the plaster that cover the cracks in a marriage. That aspect is not present in my marriage and hence perhaps the cracks then become more obvious to me. I am now at a crossroad, and would like the ladies' perspectives.

One part of me wants to leave, another thinks of the investment in time made so far, and of course the potential hurt that any decision to leave will entail. I am really in a bit of dilemma, and would appreciate some perspectives. At present I am having some insomnia over this, although thankfully work is not affected.

I would like to gather and crystalise my thoughts before discussing it with her, which I see as inevitably should I think change is necessary.

Thank you.
 


my parents married for 33years i think... i'm not sure about their bedroom stories and i do not want to know.. but until now they are still very passionate in their marriage.. they still hold each other hands.. my dad still call my mum "mei nu" (pretty lady)... recently we have a birthday party at home, my partner comments that now he understands why i dun do housework because my mum doesnt. she plays with her hp, when my dad and the maid is cleaning the house.. LOL~

i always dun understand why people comment about investment in a r/ship.. for example you put in 200K, you already lose 100K (half of your life gone) and you still see no ROI, you still want to continue your investment? to me, if i dun see any future and i dun feel any unhappiness, i would pack up my things and leave. that's what i called investment for my happiness and future..

bottomline, marriage doesnt generate passion automatically. like what you have said both of you stop trying. i feel this is the problem. if you sincerely hope to have a happy ending, at least put in some effort to get some spark. and of course not only you, your wife also need to generate some spark. but if what you want is the butterflies in the stomach, and little deer bouncing type of feelings, i guess is abit hard la... afterall both of you already upgrade to comfort zone...
 
Perhaps let me try a different tack.

I think the wife is now quite happy (content) with me and the state of affairs. But I have a growing discontent, which I am trying to reconcile. I will see a therapist about this.

What I am seeking is, from the wives out there, what you think if your husband feel this way? Would you think it is unfair of him to do this after so long a marriage and a state of affairs? Or will you rather he go? I appreciate that only wife's opinion will count, but I am trying to get some perspective here.

On the ROI example, I think it is human nature to think of time invested. Simple example being queuing in a long for a taxi, how long does one stay in the queue before leaving it to take the train?

Thanks, again.
 
Contrary to your thoughts, exiting the marriage w/o kids is way easier than if there r kids involved. I'm also in somewhat similar situation as u. Jus tt we've kids n ours is also a long time marriage. As much as I'm tempted to exit, I feel responsible to stay on, for my kids. It's not tt my hubby cheated on me; our flames died post kids. I've bn trying to rekindle the marriage for past year n I use all sorts of methods to get to him - pleas, tears, threats, everything I can think of. But to him, rekindling the intimacy part of our marriage isn't important.

My dictum is live life to the fullest. I might jus shelf my exit plans till my kids r older n more independent n will not b hurt by my decision.
 
have you told her about your growing discontent? please note that female and male is the same, we can't read minds. *shrug*

back to your ROI "theory", does it makes sense that people wait for 1hr taxi when you can get home within 30mins if you take train? i don't find anything logical about it. but people still willing to wait for 1hr for taxi than to take MRT. everyone patience is difference and the importance of time is difference to anyone too. for me, i'm not willing to waste 30yrs of my remaining life living in unhappiness, just because i "invest" 18yrs of my time in a unhappy relationship... so your logical is i have wasted/ invested 18yrs of life, so mind as well waste another 30yrs of life & pray that miracle will happen?? i hope it makes sense somehow, but at least not to me... then again, i'm not encouraging anyone to leave their relationship when things go south. but if no one is bother to save the r/ship, dun even bother to make effort to rekindle the passion, then dun expect the relationship will be better...

then again, if my husband tell me after 18yrs, there isn't any passion, no butterflies in stomach, no deer bouncing here & there, i would definitely say "ARBUDEN". you think you live in fairytale story? u no prince charming, i'm no snow white. as long as we dun go for each other neck, it already meet my standard of a marriage life...
 
hi Andrew, i think ur concerns about being in a passionless marriage are very valid and i feel you should discuss this with your wife asap and tell her your feelings and discuss how u both can improve your marriage. if my husband said this to me, i would really want to talk it out with him and see what we can do to make our marriage more fulfilling for him. personally i dont feel it is unfair if u are discussing it with her at a juncture where there is still room to work things out. i would feel it is unfair if my husband left it till it is too late n gave us no time to work things out. Going to a therapist first may help u assess what is it that is causing that restlessness inside you and help u define what constitutes 'passion' whether in a marriage/in your other aspects in ur life. Having kids actually causes more stress in marriages. it is a known statistic that marital satisfaction dips after having kids. but of course when couples learn to work through their conflicts, marital satisfaction improves.
 
Dear all,

Thanks for the views.

To gooseberry, I am not sure if staying on for the children is the best thing, although I would say that recently a friend told me that she wished that her own mother had divorced earlier and avoided more years of unhappiness than wait for her (my friend) to grow up. I suppose the threshold is where your unhappiness level is at. I wish you well, and I think that the dynamics for your situation is different from mine, with children involved.

I am seeing a therapist to see if the problem lies with me. At the same time, I will not share my concerns yet with the wife because I rather the therapist focus me if I am wrong in any way and not cause any alarm in the meantime. I certainly want to involve her in any solution than to just unilaterally walk out on this.

I appreciate that most marriages are not passionate, but I do not need nor question for most or all them to be passionate; I only need to question mine.

I am surprised that having kids actually causes more stress in the marriage when it seems to be wonderful, grass is greener I guess.

On the time spent in the marriage so far, I think that good experiences together (albeit imperfect) are also a source of bonding and should not be easily discarded. On the other hand, to remain together because of fond memories but with bleak future outlook is also not advisable.

I also appreciate that my options may well involve being alone when I die. Life is unpredictable, I guess, and we try to live one without regrets.

Keep the views coming, thanks.
 
i think the better term to use here is 'marital satisfaction' rather than 'passion in marriage'. u probably need to examine how your wife have fulfilled u in the past such that you both got married and have had good times and in what ways have your marriage changed such that you don't feel as connected to her as in the past.
 
Hi Andrew,

I believe that in order for a relationship to be passionate, or even for it to work, both parties need to put in some sort of effort. From what I've read, you and your wife have slipped into some sort of a routine, because after all, you've been married for so many years.

Do you still love your wife? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Have you attempted to rekindle that flame? Will you feel any differently if she'd put in the effort to rekindle the flame as well?

I read that you cook for your wife and you cover her with a blanket. Do you do these out of habit or love?

You also mentioned that you're reassessing your relationship with your wife. Why now? Have you experienced something with someone that perhaps reminded you of what you once shared with your wife?

You also mentioned that you're seeing a therapist because you feel that the fault might lie with you. I don't know what you're going through, and I'm not going to ask because you didn't mention, and thus it could be way too personal. Could what you're going through be affecting every single aspect of your life, including your relationship with your wife?

The thing about children. I've had friends who lament, and I've also read on forums, about how one's life would change once one has children. And most often, the change is portrayed negatively; no time for this, can't do that, stuck at home, the list goes on. I just had my baby, and my life has definitely changed. But my husband and I welcome the changes! We still do stuff like before. We go out to the malls like before, but we now spend more time in the nursery changing diapers and nursing. We still do the things we used to do, but with our little one with us. Perspectives. But I digress. You mentioned that you're both too old to have children. Perhaps adoption could be an option?

I believe that communication is the key to a happy marriage. Like one of the previous posters mentioned, your wife cannot read your mind. Why not try expressing your feelings to her? Unless of course you've made up your mind to 'cut your losses'.

Perhaps your wife is happy with your companionship and is glad to live happily ever after with you, because maybe that is what her 'happily ever after' means to her. You cook for her and you cover her with a blanket! I'm sure she's aware of your actions and appreciates it even if she doesn't say it.

But you've got plans to leave her. I do not understand why and I feel that you've not been entirely open (I can understand). If there are no third parties involved, please communicate your feelings with your wife, and perhaps the both of you can work together to rekindle the flame once more.

Good luck, Andrew!
 
Dear all,

The starting point for my reassessment could be a midlife crisis; at 46 years old I am questioning what do I want until the end of my days. Thrown into this equation is that I am now acknowledging that this feeling of the marriage being passionless is unfortunately not new to me, and that I have been living with it for quite a while now.

I have yet to communicate with my wife over this because I want to seek professional advice first, hence I am going for counselling/therapy first to see if I can get around what is in my head without alarming her with my questions. While I appeared inclined to leave, the fact is that I want to do, if at all, for the correct reasons, and hence I am undergoing therapy and soul-searching. I am also giving myself time to reflect and think through, and not rush into a decision.

What makes the decision difficult as of now is that I am not unhappy with my wife per se (since she hadn't changed) but with my perception of the marriage. I am not unhappy with the marriage but the thing is that neither am I happy. While I understand that many couples exist as such, I feel that life is too short (Pixie Ng's point) to have a passionless marriage. Some will say that it is hunting for the Snark, but perhaps I am an idealist or a die-hard romantic. The therapist felt that I have been suppressing my such feelings during the marriage.

I agree with timmerin's point to draw strength from the past experiences, and to assessment why now there is a dearth of connection. I think the answer is that the connection is always at this unfortunate level, just that I have chosen to accept it as "normal".

In answer to eniamrehc's question whether my acts are attributable to care or love, I think it is both, but that to me is not passionate love. Something I need to sort out with the therapist I guess.

Thanks for the perspectives.
 
Hi Andrew,

Can understand your situation, maybe you can ask yourself, what drew you to your wife back then. To see the reasons back then and how the feeling/times have changed. This may spark a renewed drive in you to rekindle this relationship?

Good luck man..
 
I have thought of bringing a child or even a pet, although some part of me thinks that it is good in the sense of a joint project, I wonder if it will then merely be a distraction or plastering over unresolved issues on my part. Hence I feel that that I should settle my issues first, and if that can be done life goes on. Otherwise I have to seek full marriage counselling.

I still see my wife's strengths and admire them. The sad thing is, I think that the passion was not very high in the first place; we were both sensible and practical people. And now as I age, I view marriage as a union that need passion, which is now lacking because it was not an important aspect from the word go. In that sense, the fault lies with me because it seems that my needs have changed. While I accept that marriage may become hum-dum, I fear that I resent such a state of existence, and the resentment accumulates and destroys me/us.

Will keep you people posted on my therapist visit. Thank you.
 
personally i think if the relationship is not stable, it is best not to bring in 3rd party (pet or an adopted child). because the third party will have "invisible" stress of bringing both of you together. then in worst scenario, if it doesnt work, then what will happen to the pet or an adopted child?

then again, mid life crisis is very common among men. i guess at some age you realize you have XX yrs left in this world, and you still have stuffs you have not achieve yet then start panicking. (at least that is what i feel about it). i hope therapy will works.
 
Pixie, you are right on how I feel about XX years remaining and now the concern is that I will spend those years not being fulfilled or unhappy.

At the same time, when I talk to friends about ending the marriage, I broke down and felt a mountain of guilt towards my wife who did not do anything wrong or adverse to me. That is eating me up, even now. At night I lie besides her and keep thinking of how I will hurt her, someone that I should be protecting and caring for. This is unfair to her, for she had done nothing. Sorry for the rambling, but I had been feeling this for some time.
 
Hi andrew,

Both your wife and you are in the comfort zone after yrs of being marriage. But unknown to yr wife, you are actually very unhappy with the current situation even though there has been few quarrels and you regard her as a good companion. To her, she might think that you are ok with the way things are since you didnt mention otherwise. Since you mentioned lack of passion, was the marriage a passionate one at the beginning? If not, it cld possibly be tat both of you are not really the passionate kind so how do you expect more passion after yrs of marriage and as one gets older?

As for the sex, it takes both parties to rekindle. If one party has the need while the other one is too tired, then it's up to both of you to discuss abt yr needs and find a solution and not just leave it as it's as tat will mean that both of you are ok with the situation. Will that help to re-inject some passion into the marriage? Since yr view on marriage has changed and not cos you dislike yr wife, then why dun you take the initiative to be more passionate towards her? Who knows, maybe tat's what she finds lackg too.

Will leaving this marriage really make you a happier person？
 
Hi Andrew, from what I gathered, there's a lot of analysis and scenarios plotting in your mind on what could potentially happen in the event you choose A (status quo and stay in marriage) or B (decide to move on). But I'm not sure if a relationship could be measured or analysed, or rather led by your heart. It seems (to me) like you had already decided to move on but just hope your wife would be able to manage on her own after this.

Personally, I would prefer my hubby to be upfront about anything going through his mind be it big or small. At least, he would not be caught in a situation where the matter had blew out of proportion and I was the last to know or I did not hear it from him personally. I feel being the first to be informed and discussed with is a form of communication / respect for each other. I do not really get the idea of speaking to a therapist as compared to your wife.

On a side note, what's the objective of meeting a therapist? To gather more assurance or confirmation that what you did / thought of is correct? Being the one in the relationship, you should know best what you want out of this relationship.
 
The irony is that I hope that a therapist can somehow turn me around. I know that my mind is messed up now, and I know that I need time to unravel this. There were may times when I wanted to speak with my wife, but I was concerned that I do not have the answers and things once said, cannot be unsaid. Hence I thought that I'll see a therapist first, and see what can be done about me without alarming my wife.

The marriage was not a passionate one in the first place; candidly the choice of my wife was based on my head and not heart. I am not unhappy in the marriage, but I am not happy either. Friends have asked me to take into account the fact that most couples are unhappy and yet stick together, albeit usually because of the children.

After so long being passionless, candidly I cannot see myself e.g. having sex with her. This was echoed by many of my male friends as well as a female one who is also in a sexless marriage.

I really hope that a therapist can help me; although at the end of the day I know that everything rest on me.
 
andrewC said:
The irony is that I hope that a therapist can somehow turn me around. I know that my mind is messed up now, and I know that I need time to unravel this. There were may times when I wanted to speak with my wife, but I was concerned that I do not have the answers and things once said, cannot be unsaid. Hence I thought that I'll see a therapist first, and see what can be done about me without alarming my wife.

The marriage was not a passionate one in the first place; candidly the choice of my wife was based on my head and not heart. I am not unhappy in the marriage, but I am not happy either. Friends have asked me to take into account the fact that most couples are unhappy and yet stick together, albeit usually because of the children.

After so long being passionless, candidly I cannot see myself e.g. having sex with her. This was echoed by many of my male friends as well as a female one who is also in a sexless marriage.

I really hope that a therapist can help me; although at the end of the day I know that everything rest on me.
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Why do you want someone to convince you when you can't even convince yourself? So in the event the therapist managed to turn you around, u stay on in this marriage, then come 6 months time, you start feeling like this again. Its a 'vicious' cycle. You had taken a very long time as you knew that it was not the type of marriage you wanted from the start. So why waste MORE time?

I don't know how 'many' times you had wanted to speak to your wife or what caused you to stop but u should know best how to bring the message across. If you're concerned that your thoughts go haywire or you get too 'overwhelmed', why not write her a letter? At least you can properly sort out what you want to convey and do as many reiteration as you wish. Then you can just concentrate on managing her emotions.

Personally, I feel you shouldn't weigh so much hope on the therapist but yourself.
 
everyone of us has a fundamental need that needs to be met. for some ppl, it could be their overwhelming need to give their children a complete family n financial security. and this need triumps over all else such that they can tolerate infidelity, lack of intimacy etc. and then for some ppl, it could be sex.

you probably repressed/neglected ur own need to be the loved in the manner that is important to u. and now at mid life, u feel life is too short to continue to live like this.

rekindling love is like trying to revive a dying plant. u have to troubleshoot why it is dying (lack of sun light or too much sunlight, wrong type of soil etc) of cos its much more difficult than planting a new seedling where u can prepare before hand n do ur research all over again what are the optimal conditions n does it fit the conditions in your home. u even have time to decide whether u want to plant the new seed.

i like mawby's idea of penning ur thoughts dwn smwhere. it helps u collect all that u need to say to ur wife n weed out potential communication mistakes (use of 'blaming words etc)

after your wife is aware of the 'problems' and u both have decided to revive your marriage, then do take small baby steps everyday n keep expectations on the relative lower side.

if intimacy (physical or emotional) is one of the areas important then maybe u can start small like simply holding hands, gg out on dates again, give each other a hug every day, share about each other's day at work etc.

there are 5 love languages (u can google to find out more if u dont know) understand ur wife's love language n get her to be aware of yours. then work on each other's love language.

actually no kids is pretty advantageous as well because u dont have to deal with toddler tantrums or an angsty adolescent. :) u just need to focus on urself n ur wife.

All the best to u n wifey.
 
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housemates!

seems like u r in a peaceful relationship. i would love to have your relationship.

no sex life...r u looking for the want in her? if she does not want...how about looking at yourself? r u turning her mood off?

what kind of passion are u looking for? those kind like have not seen my first love in years and then i saw her the other day my heart skipped a beat?

that kind of love might have a lot of hardship (which is no joke) in between before they finally can be together.

how about try go backpacking by yourself for a month at least. u will have a firm decision by then.
 
We tended to take our peaceful life and loved ones for granted. People have been pursuing thrills" and sparks in their entire life but never realise 幸福就在身边。

不要等到失去了才来后悔。

Once you lose her, u will never find someone like her again who is willing to stick through thick and thin with you all these years and will probably be the only one who will be with you in the twilight's years.
 
hi AndrewC

My husband had filed the divorce against me at end June.

He had moved out in Jan this year after saying he has no more feelings for me, until now he maintains that there is no 3rd party. We have a child.

Can I tell you to be honest about your feelings to your wife and working on resolving your negative feelings together in the marriage?

In my case, I thought my husband had mid life crisis. he felt unloved and neglected but it is not that I do not love him at all.

I come from a conservative family, and I just don't know how to show those feelings!!!! Public display of affections are just not me.

I work in a foreign bank, hours are long. Even weekends I have to work sometimes. After work, I come home, have a quick dinner and I coach my girl in her studies. Usually I shower at 1130pm coz that's when everything is done. That's why he felt neglected, I didn't make any time for him. I should be giving him the best time of my day, but instead I just gave him the remainder of my day. I regretted it now but for him it is too late.

To me, marriages are for a lifetime. There might be dry seasons, but do remember the good times. dispel all the negative thoughts, and don't even consider divorce as an option. Think of the happy moments, then go and create some more. I just wish he shared his feelings to me earlier on so that we could have another chance.

Maybe give it a year and you won't even remember you started this thread at all!
 
gpgt99 said:
hi AndrewC

My husband had filed the divorce against me at end June.

He had moved out in Jan this year after saying he has no more feelings for me, until now he maintains that there is no 3rd party. We have a child.

Can I tell you to be honest about your feelings to your wife and working on resolving your negative feelings together in the marriage?

In my case, I thought my husband had mid life crisis. he felt unloved and neglected but it is not that I do not love him at all.

I come from a conservative family, and I just don't know how to show those feelings!!!! Public display of affections are just not me.

I work in a foreign bank, hours are long. Even weekends I have to work sometimes. After work, I come home, have a quick dinner and I coach my girl in her studies. Usually I shower at 1130pm coz that's when everything is done. That's why he felt neglected, I didn't make any time for him. I should be giving him the best time of my day, but instead I just gave him the remainder of my day. I regretted it now but for him it is too late.

To me, marriages are for a lifetime. There might be dry seasons, but do remember the good times. dispel all the negative thoughts, and don't even consider divorce as an option. Think of the happy moments, then go and create some more. I just wish he shared his feelings to me earlier on so that we could have another chance.

Maybe give it a year and you won't even remember you started this thread at all!
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Sorry to hear about that but please do not take the blame upon yourself.

A FTWM has to deal with a stressful work environment to share the bill in the the household as well as to look after your kid.
It is not easy.

It takes 2 to clap and a marriage need 2 willing parties to work things out. Walking off just like that is just plain selfish and irresponsible.

Move on and I wish you the best in life.
 
Gpgt99: my hubby is like u. Into his work, into his kids. I tried so hard so make him see we need to hv intimacy n emotional connectedness in our relationship, n I can hardly hv a heart to heart talk w him w/o him raising his voice at me, pointing fingers at me tt I'm the only one at fault, n getting hysterical. Sigh... I jus dunno how to break dn the wall he has erected to guard himself. Honest sincere talk is crucial to ride a couple through difficult times. N for past decade till now, we hv nv bn able to do tt constructively n cordially. As such, like yr hubby, I've decided to move on. To get away from the hurts.
 
Actually I thought one should talk to the spouse about one's feelings and needs first before going to the therapist..
 
Hi, Gpgt99 .. sorry to hear about the proceedings. Did he talk to you before launching the legal proceedings?

I will definitely engage with my wife before taking any step so drastic. I want to engage and solve this if I can. My main concern in not resolving this now is that 3, 5 or 10 years later I still feel the same and by then, it is worse for everyone to separate.

I am not looking for passionate puppy love, but I am looking for happiness, although it is unclear to me how to go about doing that. In that sense those who stated above that I do not know what I want, they are right. Stability and being in a comfortable relationship does not equate to happiness. That is where I hope the therapist will turn my corner and provide some perspectives. My fear is that if I now engage with the wife, I will burden her and yet not have directions or answers. Worse, no?
 
hi andrew, some of us became too acustomed to the stability and comfort over the years of relationship. Although i do not know your exact circumstances other than what you have shared with us. Hope that you can still work something out with your wife. Since she said she is willing to change (whether sincere or not), why not give her the benefit of doubt and work on it together. You do not have to worry about the divorce part because either way, you will still have the option at the end of the day.
 
The divorce part, if that ever comes is the procedural burial and to me a consequence.

The main and more important issue is now, looking to solve the issue of there being no passion from my vantage.
 
AndrewC, what if you were to divorce and realize that you are not happy as well? You yourself do not have any directions or answer now so why not just engage yourself to a new hobby or interest class instead of going to the divorce route.
 
Why worry about if you will find the passion 1, 2 or 10 years down the road?

why worry incessantly and unnecessary?

each day has its own worries ... just go through one day at a time..

What is passion to you? lust, desire? Then create the mood! are you still wooing her like how it was pre marriage? flowers, gifts, opening doors etc? or you have also fallen into the routine of life?

but if you are looking for passion elsewhere on the side and it excites you, then you are the one with the problem, not her. Then come clean and let her decide instead of you.
 
@andrewC to be honest, if I were your wife, I would feel very sad if you told me one day that you are contemplating a divorce just cos you don't feel the passion in your marriage anymore. You cook for her and cover her with a blanket - she probably thinks all is well and status quo is good. Some people call this a limbo marriage and it happens to most couples after years of marriage - kids or no kids. You said you married her with your head, not heart, so maybe try to recall what it was that attracted you to her back then. She probably has no inkling that you are restless and unhappy. I think the fairest thing you can do for her is to at least tell her what you feel. One of the saddest things is to have your spouse tell you that all is lost when you had no idea what was coming. Good luck!
 
Have u ever try marriage counseling program? I m looking for one myself. yes anyone got good ones to recommend?
 
andrewC said:
I am not looking for passionate puppy love, but I am looking for happiness, although it is unclear to me how to go about doing that. In that sense those who stated above that I do not know what I want, they are right. Stability and being in a comfortable relationship does not equate to happiness. That is where I hope the therapist will turn my corner and provide some perspectives. My fear is that if I now engage with the wife, I will burden her and yet not have directions or answers. Worse, no?
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actually for mid life crisis, you wouldn't know what to do. if you do, it is not mid life crisis. maybe your therapist can go in details for this.

previously one of my MD also went thru mid life crisis. he quit his high paying job and open a restaurant. then after the restaurant didn't go well, close down. then he open another trading company which is very successful. so he kinda solve his mid life crisis and now he feel that his life is fulfill and he lives no regrets.

you really need to ride thru this, there is no other way. keep thinking at home of all the possible solution also doesn't work. i guess is something like depression. you ask a person suffer from depression to think things thru, and next thing you know she/he commit suicide. it just that your mind is not working as per your norms.
 
go back packing on your own.

u will have an answer when you return.

if u have gone away long enough, she might have an answer for u instead.
 
Hi andrew,
I have been thru this passionless stage with my husband before.. Back before we got married even (i even almost strayed once but managed to stop in time) and as well as after having kids. We talked things out (it started out very awkward) and made a promise to date each other at least once a week, which is actually kind of difficult considering we have 2 kids and no one to help us with them. And like u say, the grass on the other side seems greener. To us, we kept thinking if we didn't have kids, we could go on trips together and spend more time each with other. I can also imagine how monotone a couple life can be without kids. And most of the time, couples enter a routine and comfort zone that turns, frankly, a little boring..

Sorry if u misunderstand my point but I'm not comparing, just sharing with u our experience and maybe it might help.

Do u go on holidays with your wife? Go on a proper date at least twice a week (since u have no kids, maybe more)? Perhaps u could try to spend intimate time with her like re-enact honeymoons? Short getaways? Going to movies doesn't really count.. =P

What exactly do u feel lacking? Physical intimacy (pardon my bluntness) sex? Romantic moments? Relax time? Heart to heart talks? All of it?

If u can afford it, try going on a long vacation with your wife? To somewhere with activities where u both can laugh and participate together.. Or romantic beaches where u can immerse yourselves in deep heart to heart talks (those always bond people right?) =) This may create some happy moments out of your regular lives and also it is out of the norm.. There will be something to share between the both of u..

To start off, how about creating your own bucket list and maybe get her to achieve them with u?
 
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