SingaporeMotherhood | Parenting
August 2024
“Should I Stay or Leave?” – Debating Divorce after 18 Years of Marriage & 5 Kids
He sent flowers to another lady and when questioned, said it was because he wanted to cheer her up. He was even messaging her on a daily basis! I was furious and wanted a divorce because I saw these as acts of unfaithfulness. I turned a deaf ear to his protests of ‘innocence’.
He insisted that there was nothing physical, and that nothing would ever materialise because ‘she’s in Indonesia’. He even called me selfish for insisting on a divorce, saying, “Think about the impact on the kids!”
“That’s precisely why I’m leaving you,” was my point. “The children deserve to see their parents happily in love, not arguing and tearing each other down. That’s toxic and not the marriage model I want in their lives.”
Seeing what he thought was an opening, he said, “Then stop condemning me and start loving me!”
(See also: Repairing Relationships with 5 Apology Languages)
(Not) Getting Our Points Across
“After what you’ve done?” I retorted.
“There’s nothing! I now see it was stupid to send her flowers but I never intended to hurt you,” he offered.
“I don’t care about your intention,” I continued. “Actions are done. If I slept with another man, how would you feel?”
“Now you’re being ridiculous! Getting physical with someone is completely different from a friendship.”
“If I greeted a man with ‘Good morning’ daily, would you be okay with that?” I questioned.
“Yes, because I don’t just send it to her; I send it to other guys and family as well. There’s nothing at all. You’re the one who matters to me! The person I love is YOU!” he said emphatically.
I reiterated defiantly, “Your cheap words mean nothing because your actions betrayed my trust!”
“I’ve stopped messaging her because you don’t like it. It’s no big deal. Stop being ridiculous,” he repeated. “That’s why I don’t tell you things — you can’t handle them.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “You’re the unfaithful one and you dare to justify it? You’re crazy and you don’t deserve me!”
We reached an impasse in our loud arguments that I’m sure not only the kids but even our neighbours were witness to. But I didn’t care.
Beneath My Rage was Deep Pain…
His actions hurt me because I had made a conscious choice to remain faithful through 18 years of marriage. This meant that I was always careful in my words and actions to avoid leading any guys on.
If I had allowed myself to be ‘friendly’ and encouraged the many advances from various interested parties, it would probably be easier for me to accept his ‘just friends’ explanation.
Instead, I maintained clear boundaries with male colleagues, friends, and acquaintances, even though my emotional needs were hardly met by my husband. I knew how easy it was for emotional intimacy to innocuously blossom. Hence, I resented that he was freely developing friendships while I remained an emotional ‘nun’.
It was clear to me we had different values and standards, and that I could no longer trust him.
The cold war lasted for three months. During this time, I consulted lawyers. I prepared my children. Adamant that there was no longer a future together, I planned my exit.
(See also: This made-in-Singapore book is helping Children of Divorce, one page at a time)
To Stay or Not to Stay?
Of course I was concerned about my ‘public image’, the emotional impact on my children, and the increased financial responsibilities after a divorce. Yet, pain from the betrayal meant the uncertainties of leaving were increasingly more attractive than staying together.
I consulted with different people and reached the following conclusions:
1. There is no one like you
Each of us are individuated beings. No one has your personality, thoughts, feelings, desires, values, or goals. You are truly one in eight billion.
A friend in a similar situation might prefer to maintain the shell of a marriage because financial stability is paramount for her. Another wife may be two-timing her partner and see no reason for divorce. Yet another could insist on a divorce because she was never happy from the start.
Instead of following friends’ advice or seeking society’s approval, turn inward to listen. What makes you happy? The more connected we are to our inner compass of joy, the more we live in alignment with our individual truths.
(See also: Saboteurs or Sages – Whose voices are you listening to?)
2. Their ‘right’ could be your ‘wrong’
I listened with an open mind to religious arguments, friends’ rationales, and other divorcees’ experiences. At the same time, I knew those were their truths, because we each have different filters.
For example, my mum’s advice was to stay together because marriage is for life. This reflects her traditional values which align with her belief system. And while that was her ‘right’, it was my ‘wrong’.
After all, we aren’t our parents’ clones. My mum’s choice to express love by staying faithful in an unhappy marriage does not satisfy my beliefs. My ‘right’ is breaking away from the status quo.
What’s true for you? In my case, I wrestled with the concepts of love, forgiveness, and fidelity.
- Did love mean I would accept all his actions?
- Forgiveness meant I wished him well, but did not mean we had to continue our life story together. It meant a new chapter for me.
- Is fidelity a physical act, emotional connection, or a mental intention?
3. Choice is a gift we can exercise
As I sat with my emotional turmoil and unanswered questions, it dawned on me that I was not taking responsibility for my life.
How could another person give me happiness or fulfilment? My life is for me to actively create, not passively wait to be fulfilled. That was when I realised that I was jealous of how free he felt to express himself.
For 18 years, I held back in fear of sending guys the wrong signal. I would be curt, almost hostile, to the opposite sex, all because my husband was jealous when we were dating. To not make him feel insecure after marriage, I gave up that free-spirited part of me. And that was what I was really mad about.
This realisation and awareness reclaimed a part of me I had unknowingly discarded. I decided to share my thoughts with him and was amazed at how open-minded he had become.
Choice comes from a space of embracing the consequences and joys of your decisions. The choices you make may sometimes even defy logic. And the best choices come from the awareness of societal demands, being in touch with our own individuality, and making decisions that light us up.
(See also: Theory of Mind – How It Helps Improve Your Child’s Friendships and Quality of Life)
For Better or Worse
I decided to stay with him because that is an expansion of who I am. My awareness, my capacity for love, and my personal evolution.
Which choice will put you on a path of personal growth? Not for the other person, but for your own expansion?
 | Author of “The Naked Parent”, founder of Mum Space, and mother to five amazing children, Junia is a respected thought-leader in the parenting space. Recognised for empowering parents and kids with her 21st-century parenting model for over a decade, she now brings her ‘Modern Asian Mother’ expertise and experience to this exclusive SingaporeMotherhood column. |
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